( searching 2637 episodes of Achewood!)

• Achewood - July 8, 2005

  [[Nice Pete and Pat are at Support Group]] Arthur: So welcome to Support Group, everyone! Arthur: Has anyone had any Bad Problems since last time? Pat: Nope. Not me. Next! Nice Pete: Pat tell him [[Pat turns to Nice Pete angrily]] Pat: Hush now, Pete! Nice Pete: Tell him what happened Pat: Not now! Arthur: Pat? Do you have a Bad Problem you would like to share with everyone? Nice Pete: Pat has a Bad Problem [[Pat points at Nice Pete]] Pat: I do not! Lay off me, all of you! Hey, did you know that Nice Pete is <i>Crazy?!</i> [[Nice Pete looks hurt]] [[Nice Pete crosses his arms and looks off bitterly]] Arthur: Pat, if you won't tell us your Bad Problems then it is unfair to get to hear our Bad Problems! Pat: This is unbelievable! Nice Pete: Pat cried but did not Accept that he cried [[Pat stands and points at Nice Pete, shaking with anger]] Pat: How DARE you! How DARE DARE DARE you! [[Pat storms out as Arthur shouts after him]] Arthur: Pat, you know what Mr. Gary says about crying! Arthur: Crying is Nature's GAAAAS STAAATION! <<SLAM>> {alttext: Nice Pete is miffed that Pat outed him so gracelessly}}
  
  

  http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07082005

• Achewood - August 25, 2004

  [[ It's nighttime and we see the outside of Beef's Grandma's trailer. There is a folded up chair leaning against the wall. ]] Someone in the trailer: Do you think you'll ever want to move out of this trailer, Beef? [[ Roast Beef and Molly are lying on a mattress ( the mattress is just sitting on the floor, no box spring, no nothing). Molly is looking at Beef, waiting for his response. A lamp sits on a box next to the mattress. ]] Beef: Oh no uh definitely not / Sharin' a bathroom with Gramma is the Stuff [[ Molly looks optimistic ]] Molly: Seriously! We could afford it. Beef: Hold on now you have basically indicated that you want us to have our own place [[ Beef and Molly are looking at eachother ]] Molly: It wouldn't be so bad, would it? We could decorate it ourselves, I could cook you dinner, pour you a glass of wine... Beef: Man she makes it sound all sing-song but I'm sure there would be all kinds of instances [[ Beef stares at the ceiling ]] Beef: Roast Beef please don't build a model boat on the dinner table I just set a nice bowl of peaches perfectly in the middle of it [[ Beef is still staring at the ceiling ]] Beef: I think it is time we talked about how you like Soundgarden even though I have told you that it is not a good band / Oh hell no you are not having red meat again today and do not DARE open a beer / You can not have a car {{ Don't you DARE buy a wooden model ship kit you KNOW better }}
  
  

  http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08252004

• Dressing Like Twain

  Mark Twain: He seemed quite taken by my clothing which to my surprise flattered me a great deal. Ray: Daamn, I am diggin' these old-school duds! Mark Twain: He wondered aloud where he might get a similar outfit, and added that he would be willing to spend "heck of Benjamins." Ray: Seriously, man! Mark Twain: We went through the children's wardrobes, as they are off wintering with their mother in more agreeable climes. Mark Twain: Soon he was outfitted in a similar manner to me, and I dare say the little fellow did look quite dapper. Ray: They oughta take a picture of me and put it on money! {{alt text: Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society. -Mark Twain}}
  
  

  http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08222003

• Achewood - May 28, 2004

  Uncle Culpepper: Good morning, young 'suh! My name is Marion Adonis Culpepper, and I believe we are of relation. Little Nephew: What's up, Yankee Doodle. Uncle Culpepper: Forsooth! How dare you besmirch me with that GRIEVOUS appellation! [[Uncle Culpepper shrugs off his coat]] <<SHRUF!>> Uncle Culpepper: Draw your weapon at once! Uncle Culpepper: I demand my Satisfaction. <<CLICK>> Little Nephew: N-No! No! Don't shoot! P-Please! Little Nephew: I...I didn't mean it! Uncle Culpepper: Dear boy! I would not fire upon a child of my own kin! Uncle Culpepper: Your pusillanimous instincts do gravely imply, however, that you have not received schooling in the gentlemanly arts! SOON. Little Nephew: Sir, your journey from this mortal coil shall be hastened by the hand of Dixie! Uncle Culpepper: Most exemplary!
  
  

  http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05282004

• Achewood - June 3, 2004

  [[Roast Beef is in a room with the shades pulled, on the phone]] Roast Beef: Hey Emeril dogg did Ray just swing by there all in a huff Emeril: He were much aggry-vated and we did send him to Hospital yes Roast Beef: Dang was he really that freaked out by Tina jamming his uncle?! Emeril: He did grab hine heart and make terrible oaths upon it Roast Beef: I got to get to the hospital and see if he's okay! Roast Beef: Man, he might really be off his halves! MEANWHILE. [[At the emergency room]] Ray: That chickenhead swallowed a Domino's Crazy Stix down the wrong pipe? That's all this is?! Uncle Culpepper: Nephew! How dare you impugn Miss Tina's honor while even now she lies in repose! Uncle Culpepper: Draw your weapon at once! I demand my Satisfaction! [[Roast Beef runs through the emergency room door]] [[Roast Beef is shot]] <<POW!>>
  
  

  http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06032004

• Achewood - June 3, 2004

  [[Roast Beef is in a room with the shades pulled, on the phone]] Roast Beef: Hey Emeril dogg did Ray just swing by there all in a huff Emeril: He were much aggry-vated and we did send him to Hospital yes Roast Beef: Dang was he really that freaked out by Tina jamming his uncle?! Emeril: He did grab hine heart and make terrible oaths upon it Roast Beef: I got to get to the hospital and see if he's okay! Roast Beef: Man, he might really be off his halves! MEANWHILE. [[At the emergency room]] Ray: That chickenhead swallowed a Domino's Crazy Stix down the wrong pipe? That's all this is?! Uncle Culpepper: Nephew! How dare you impugn Miss Tina's honor while even now she lies in repose! Uncle Culpepper: Draw your weapon at once! I demand my Satisfaction! [[Roast Beef runs through the emergency room door]] [[Roast Beef is shot throught the chest, with comical X's for eyes and all]] <<POW!>>
  
  

  http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06032004

• Achewood - June 3, 2004

  [[Roast Beef is in a room with the shades pulled, on the phone]] Roast Beef: Hey Emeril dogg did Ray just swing by there all in a huff Emeril: He were much aggry-vated and we did send him to Hospital yes Roast Beef: Dang was he really that freaked out by Tina jamming his uncle?! Emeril: He did grab hine heart and make terrible oaths upon it [[Roast Beef thinking]] Roast Beef: I got to get to the hospital and see if he's okay! Roast Beef: Man, he might really be off his halves! MEANWHILE. [[At the emergency room]] Ray: That chickenhead swallowed a Domino's Crazy Stix down the wrong pipe? That's all this is?! Uncle Culpepper: Nephew! How dare you impugn Miss Tina's honor while even now she lies in repose! Uncle Culpepper: Draw your weapon at once! I demand my Satisfaction! [[Roast Beef runs through the emergency room door]] [[Roast Beef is shot]] <<POW!>> {{ Emeril is a Melungeon. }}
  
  

  http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06032004

• Achewood - August 22, 2007

  Phillippe: In there! <<SNIF>> <<SSSSSSSSSSSSNIF>> Ray: Hey! What the hell you doin' in there! Todd? <<SNIF>> Ray: Todd! How dare you have a terrible cocaine addiction at Philippe's birthday party! <<SNIFFF>> Todd: In the m-m-minds of the m-m-main mattering men the slow-down before the speed-up will add to the art of this artifice! <<SNIF>> Ray: Dammit! Don't say cocaine ideas near this kid! It's his BIRTHDAY, fool! Ray: HEY! Ray: Don't you do cocaine at ME, you son of a bitch! <<SNIFFF>> <<SNIFFF>> <<SNIFFFFFZZ!!>> Ray [[chasing Todd]]: Philippe is FIVE today! That is SPECIAL! <<SNIFF>> <<SNAFF>> <<SNOOF>> Ray: You stop snorting all that cocaine IMMEDIATELY! Ray: I'm sorry Philippe. I couldn't catch him. Let's just go back and open your present. Phillippe: Okay. Boy, I sure wish Todd didn't do all those cocaines. Ray: SURPRIIISE! Todd actually WASN'T doing cocaine! Happy Birthday! Phillippe: Hooray! Thank you! Todd: Hope you like it!
  
  

  http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08222007

• Achewood - August 25, 2004

  [[ It's nighttime and we see the outside of Beef's Grandma's trailer. There is a folded up chair leaning against the wall. ]] Someone in the trailer: Do you think you'll ever want to move out of this trailer, Beef? [[ Roast Beef and Molly are lying on a mattress ( the mattress is just sitting on the floor, no box spring, no nothing). Molly is looking at Beef, waiting for his response. A lamp sits on a box next to the mattress. ]] Beef: Oh no uh definitely not / Sharin' a bathroom with Gramma is the Stuff [[ Molly looks optimistic ]] Molly: Seriously! We could afford it. Beef: Hold on now you have basically indicated that you want us to have our own place [[ Beef and Molly are looking at eachother ]] Molly: It wouldn't be so bad, would it? We could decorate it ourselves, I could cook you dinner, pour you a glass of wine... Beef: Man she makes it sound all sing-song but I'm sure there would be all kinds of instances [[ Beef stares at the ceiling ]] Beef: Roast Beef please don't build a model boat on the dinner table I just set a nice bowl of peaches perfectly in the middle of it [[ Beef is still staring at the ceiling ]] Beef: I think it is time we talked about how you like Soundgarden even though I have told you that it is not a good band / Oh hell no you are not having red meat again today and do not DARE open a beer / You can not have a car
  
  

  http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08252004

• Dressing Like Twain

  [[We see Mark Twain from the neck down. Ray is feeling Mark Twain's pants]] Mark Twain: He seemed quite taken by my clothing, which to my surprise flattered me a great deal. Ray: Daamn, I am diggin' these old-school duds! [[Close up of Ray with his arms crossed]] Mark Twain: He wondered aloud where he might get a similar outfit, and added that he would be willing to spend "heck of Benjamins." Ray: Seriously, man! [[A silhouette of Mark Twain's house. Smoke is coming out the chimneys. All of the rooms are lit up and there is a full moon in the sky. We see Philippe's silhoustte in one of the windows]] Mark Twain: We went through the children's wardrobes, as they are off wintering with their mother in more agreeable climes. [[Ray, standing inside the house, is wearing a suit similar to Mark Twain's suit. He is holding a cane with his left hand. His right hand is in his jacket pocket]] Mark Twain: Soon he was outfitted in a similar manner to me, and I dare say the little fellow did look quite dapper. Ray: They oughta take a picture of me and put it on money! {{alt text: Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society. -Mark Twain}}
  
  

  http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08222003

• Achewood - August 25, 2004

  [[ It's nighttime and we see the outside of Beef's Grandma's trailer. There is a folded up chair leaning against the wall. ]] Molly: Do you think you'll ever want to move out of this trailer, Beef? [[ Roast Beef and Molly are lying on a mattress ( the mattress is just sitting on the floor, no box spring, no nothing). Molly is looking at Beef, waiting for his response. A lamp sits on a box next to the mattress. ]] Beef: Oh no uh definitely not Sharin' a bathroom with Gramma is the Stuff [[ Molly looks optimistic ]] Molly: Seriously! We could afford it. Beef: Hold on now you have basically indicated that you want us to have our own place [[ Beef and Molly are looking at each other ]] Molly: It wouldn't be so bad, would it? We could decorate it ourselves, I could cook you dinner, pour you a glass of wine... Beef: Man she makes it sound all sing-song but I'm sure there would be all kinds of instances [[ Beef stares at the ceiling ]] Beef {{thinking}}: Roast Beef please don't build a model boat on the dinner table I just set a nice bowl of peaches perfectly in the middle of it [[ Beef is still staring at the ceiling ]] Beef {{thinking}}: I think it is time we talked about how you like Soundgarden even though I have told you that it is not a good band Oh hell no you are not having red meat again today and do not DARE open a beer You can not have a car
  
  

  http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08252004

• Pinewood Derby

  [[Flashback to Roast Beef and Ray as youths. Both are in Cub Scout Uniforms. Beef has what appears to be a Jheri Curl. Ray is holding a small car.]] Beef: Oh man check out your Pinewood Derby car Ray That is so amazing Ray: Mom took my kit to a company that has a computer-guided cutting tool! It's EXACTLY like the Ferrari from Weird Science! Beef: Oh man it is perfect in every way So amazing Ray: Where's yours, Beef? [[Further flashback showing Roast Beef attempting to carve his car with a spoon.]] <<Sound of spoon scraping wood.>> Beef: Oh god this isn't working at all [[External shot showing Roast Beef's silhouette through window.]] <<Sound of Roast Beef sniffling.>> Beef: Oh god this is ruined this is RUINED Gramma (not seen): Roast Beef! Don't you dare make noise! Your granny needs sleep! [[Roast Beef looks terrified.]] [[Roast Beef dumps his car into a galvanized trash can.]] <<Roast Beef sobs.>> {{alt-text: at the end of the cartoon the cat feels that he has to throw his possession into the garbage}} {{link: http://www.pinewoodpro.com/}}
  
  

  http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05192004

• Achewood - July 14, 2006

  [[(IT'S A...)]] [[FUCK YOU FRIDAY!]] [[Leo Fontanette is looking angry.]] [[Leo is driving his car.]] Leo: How DARE that fucking kid talk to me that way! Does he know how much VOLUME I do?! DOES HE KNOW HOW MUCH VOLUME I DO? NO! NO! HE DOESN'T! 'CAUSE HE'S AN IDIOT! <i>AGH! PIECE OF SHIT MORON!</i> Leo: God DAMMIT! WHO LEFT MY MOTHERFUCKING BEACH BOYS CD ON THE PASSENGER SEAT! THIS SHIT WAS DIGITALLY REMASTERED! I PAID TWENTY-SIX BUCKS FOR THIS FUCKING ALBUM AND NOW IT LOOKS LIKE A MOTHEFUCKING ABALONE! [[Leo comes across a corn field.]] Leo: All RIGHT! A fucking CORN FIELD! I'M GONNA DRIVE ALL OVER THAT FUCKING CORN, BABY! THIS CORN IS YOU, RAY SMUCKLES! [[Leo begins driving through the corn field.]] Leo: FUCK YOU RAY SMUCKLES AND YOUR FAGGOT FRIENDS WHO...WHO YOU RIDE ON YOUR BIG...FAGGOT...BOAT...WITH...AAGH! WHERE'S...WHERE'S MY MOTHERFUCKING DIOVAN... [[Leo's car stops in the middle of the cornfield.]] Leo: OnStar? I'm...I'm havin' a heart attack...I...I swear the fuckin' man upstairs is punchin' my dance card...no...no you listen to me sweetheart...you know how...many of these...fuckers I sell...Oh sweet Christ please God not today {{alt text: On Friday, Leo Fontanette died in a corn field.}}
  
  

  http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07142006

• Achewood - May 30, 2006

  [[Ray, Teodor, and Roast Beef discuss the cantilevered penis weight underwear phenomenon in the pool house.]] Ray: Gentlemen, we must share our discovery with the world. It is in the spirit of the highest good. Roast Beef: But I fear the world is not ready to accept the necessary apparel Teodor: And remember, the world is designed to function around suffering. If we took away suffering, the world's economies would collapse. Total system failure; chaos. Most jobs would simply be abandoned. [[Teodor gestures to the underwear.]] Teodor: What we have here is a dangerous, terrible secret. Roast Beef: We have discovered the means to the end of life as we know it Ray: We must make the ultimate saacrifice, then: our own enlightenment. We must destroy this technology. Ray: Better that three men lead ordinary lives than the world come to an end. Teodor: Wait. We mustn't destroy them - we must hide them in an unfindable place. Roast Beef: Inside the housing of a large table saw Ray: No. You're saying that because you want to be discovered. You still have ego. You want recognition. [[Teodor looks angry]] Teodor: Don't tell me my motives! How dare you! You've been incidental here, Ray! [[Teodor runs away from the pool house, still wearing the underwear and looking angry.]] Ray: Teodor! Nooo! {{Trouble in the Pool House of Good and Evil}}
  
  

  http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05302006

• Achewood - March 7, 2005

  [[Pat preparing to play the banjo]] <<ahem... ahem.>> [[Pat preparing to play]] <<ahemahemahem.>> [[Teodor watching Pat from behind a door; Pat preparing to play]] Teodor (thinking): Crap, Pat showed up. I think I'll hang back. <<ahem.>> Ray (on Teodor's cell phone): Sorry, Doc, but this is serious! Help me! Teodor (thinking): Whoops, I hit the two-way. Ray (on phone): What can you give me for the Conniptions? Teodor (thinking): Conniptions? Teodor (thinking): Maybe Ray wasn't joking with all that yelling! What if he's having a stroke? [[Pat playing banjo; Roast Beef looks disgusted]] <<pluck pluck pluck PLUCK pluck pluck pluck pluck>> Ray (on phone): THE TRIBULATION IS AT HAND! THE PLOW THAT RENDS THE EARTH SHALL UNLEASH THE RIVERS OF BILE! Doc Andretti (on phone): Mmhm. Okay, Ray. Try some Pepto and call me in an hour. <<pluck pluck>> Ray (on phone): AAAIIIGHT! [[Lyle holding a videotape]] Lyle: Guess who just got a bootleg of the Paul Prudhomme sex tape! Hint: Me. It was me. Living room, now. Pat: Lyle! You absolute IDIOT! How DARE you interrupt my performance! Ray (on phone): Whoah, I blacked out again! Doc? Doc, you there? [[Light bulb above Teodor's head]] Teodor: Pat! Play just one single note! Pat: This one, prick? <<pluck>> Ray (on phone): Ow! There it goes again! Diabetes! Can anyone hear me? Doc? Doc? {{Oh bless you if you get the Conniptions, bless those who get the Conniptions.}}
  
  

  http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03072005