Suburban Tribe - latest additions

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[[Tiffany Dawber, at the eye doctor's office. On the desk is a bag from McDonalds.]]
Tiffany: I have never needed glasses in my life.
Doctor: Well, you're getting older, and you work on a computer all day...
Tiffany: In my life, you quack!

Tiffany: Look, we can test again. That eye chart! That last letter! That's an "F". I meant to say "F"!
Doctor: It's an "O".

Tiffany: Doc, you don't understand. I'm over thirty. I'm still single. And I live alone... with a cat! Think of my social life, sir!

Tiffany: Hey, your lunch smells like McDonalds... but when did they change their logo to an "X"?
Doctor: We have a wide selection of attractive frames.

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[[Throne Room - Charles, Prince of Wales and Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, examine an open package. Prince Charles reads from a sheaf of papers.]]
Charles: Roadkillwear.com?
Camilla: It only just arrived. No return address.
Charles: Apparently, this company takes any manner of dead rodentia you send them and turns it into a custom-made hat.

Charles: A cruel and deplorable prank! Just when I thought England was beginning to accept you. It's enough to make one wish the Tower was operational.
Camilla: Well, I don't know, Charles. I rather like it.
Charles: What? I-- I--

[[Only Camilla's legs are visible, rising from bottom right of the frame. One of her shoes is off.]]
Charles: My God, you look ravishing!
Camilla: Oh, Charles!

[[Caesar sits at the computer.]]
<<TIK TAK TIK>>

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[[A tornado descends from a threatening grey sky, imperiling a small, lone house]]

[[A woman looks over her shoulder, terrified by a swarm of bees which echoes the shape of the tornado.]]

[[The portly creator of a Webcomic about a gaming magazine lies slumped at his desk, his head lying on his computer's keyboard, with a kitchen knife protruding from his back.]]

[[Caesar sits at his computer.]]
<<TIK TAK TIK>>

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Tiffany: You remember Catholic school, Carol?
Tiffany: Like anyone forgets Catholic school.
Tiffany: We've both had our confession. Now here's our penance:
Tiffany: I've met with Bob Yesman.
Tiffany: He's been watching the Girl's Next Door, and he doesn't like what he sees.
Tiffany: I've promised that I can deliver the agency to him after the show, and he doesn't need to involve himself.
Tiffany: My only demand: no outsourcing.
Tiffany: The last episode will be shot next week, followed by a party held at the agency in true Playboy fashion: boobs, butts, and booze.
Tiffany: Roger will sign a contract there, giving him control of the agency.
Tiffany: You and I will opt not to show up in the name of feminism or... something...
Tiffany: ...but we will be there.

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Hef: Well, this must be a surprise for you, Roger. HUGH HEFNER showing up at your home?
RT: Er-- Uhhhm...
Hef: You're familiar with my show, "The Girls Next Door"?
<next panel>
Hef: The show needs something NEW this season, so I've bought your old ad agency, YESMAN & PUCKERUP. If you agree to TERMS, you and the girls will run the agency in front of the camera. Once the show wraps, you can remain on board as C.E.O. under the employment of P.E.I.
RT: Uhh-- Yes! Of COURSE! But Hef, old sport, how do you KNOW about me and my former employer?
Hef: I'm sorry... aren't you the Roger Thornhill who sends me his MEMOIRS in two-page increments four days a week?
<next panel>
Hef (reading): "May 7 - As I drove past the dead deer, I wept for VIRILITY LOST... and could not help but notice how SENSUAL wet fur can be. Pulling over, I approached--"
RT, eagerly: YES! That's me!

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[[ "Ask a Suburban Tribe Cast Member" time once again! This time around we have Alan and Tiff demonstrating what lengths Suburban Tribe will go to keep their readership satisfied. ]]
Alan: Hi Everybody! I'm Alan, and this is TIffany. It's our turn to address one lucky reader's e-mail.
Alan: This one is from wanglord@earthlink.net who says, "I like the comic, but it needs more action."

[[ Alan lifts his hand to illicit a fake cough ]]
Alan: Cough! Say Tiff ... maybe you should lay off he frappucinos. Your ass is looking a little tight in those jeans.
[[ Tiffany gets a shocked look on her face ]]

[[ Tiffany whips around to face Alan holding a semi-automatic pistol ]]
<< BLAM! BLAM! >>
[[ shooting Alan and sending him to the ground in a heap ]]

[[ Tiffany turns to smile at the audience, while Alan, surprisingly, gets back up, his shirt ripped open revealing a bulletproof vest ]]
Tiffany: We aim to please, Wang.
Alan: I want a pay raise.

{{ title text: Wholesome Family Entertainment! (Don't try this at home) }}

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[[ "Ask a Suburban Tribe cast member!" week continues! Now it's Carol's turn ]]
Carol: Hi Everybody! I'm Carol Bradley, and it's my turn to answer a lucky reader's question! Let's see...
[[ Carol pauses to begin reading ]]
Carol: Darthshatner@aol.com asks "Is there any way I can get a nude picture of Carol? She is the hottest redhead this side of Jean Grey."

[[ Carol just rolls her eyes and throws the email away, though as she begins her tirade about comic book dorks her shirt has already been removed, seemingly without her noticing ]]
Carol: Fffftt! Gee, what a shocker. Another comic book futz wants to see Carol's girls. Well, news flash "Darth:" John has a little more class than that.

[[ Carol continues her scolding of "Darth" though now it seems even her frilly bra has gone AWOL, with a big black bar reading "CENSORED" over her "girls" ]]
Carol: Like this is one of those "Looney Tunes" where the giant eraser comes in and wipes my clothes off, right?
Carol: Bunch of perverts! Try finding a real girl

[[ Carol turns and begins to walk away but turns to give one last shot before she does so, a strategically placed sign covering anything unfit for the obviously PG audience ]]
Carol: Listen up, you bunch of sex-starved trekkies! If it's that kind of thrill you're after, head over to "Liberty Meadows!" John wouldn't exploit me for all the tea in France!
[[ Sign states: "For an uncensored version of this strip send $5 via PayPal to johnlee@suburbantribe.net" ]]

{{ title text: John Lee sells out! You read it here first! }}

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[[ We come in at Alan and Dave's apartment where Alan is just heading out the door while Dave and Alan's nephew sit watching TV on the couch. ]]
Alan: Dave! That was Tiff on the phone. She needs me to come into the office for an hour or two. Watch my nephew will ya? And behave yourself, Dave! Keep the shenanigans at a "PG" level. Got me?

[[ Dave rolls his eyes as Alan leaves the apartment, slamming the door behind him ]]
<<SLAM!>>
Dave: Geez! I hate it when he talks to me that way. Like I'm fifteen years old, or an abused housewife, or something. [[beat]] God!

[[ Both Dave and the nephew pause for a moment, looking at each other waiting for the other to speak. ]]

[[ Dave begins to reach for his pocket for some money, finally speaking up ]]
Dave: You want to watch 'Sex and the City'?
Nephew: I wanna ride my Big Wheel across the four lane highway and get a "Big Gulp".
Dave: Oh, that's cool. Pick me up a soft pack of Marlboro Lights, will you?

{{ Roommate Relationships: Symmetric or Symbiotic }}

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[[ On the way to the airport, Alan and Tiffany have a quick discussion about him taking care of Caesar ]]
Tiffany: Thanks for taking me to the airport, Alan.
Alan: Hey, no sweat.
Tiffany: Listen, when you go over to my place to feed Caesar, would you do me a favor?
Alan: Sure.

[[ The camera closes in as the discussion turns more serious ]]
Tiffany: Somehow, Amazon.com sent me a package with 'The Dukes of Hazard' Season 2 DVD Set, A squirrel trap, and a battery-powered propeller beanie.
Alan: What?

[[ Cut to the exterior of the car as they drive down the street still in discussion of the situation ]]
Tiffany: Yeah, I know! Can you return it for me?
Alan: Yeah, man! What kind of dork would order all that stuff?

[[ Cut again to a shot of Caesar, front paws on the coffee table watching an episode of 'The Dukes of Hazard' while wearing a battery-powered beanie, all the while his food dish sitting in front of him with a dead squirrel laid out inside it. ]]
TV: Shepherd to Law Sheep! Shepherd to Law Sheep! Come in Law Sheep!
TV: Oh, D'em Dukes! D'em Dukes!

{{ Who BUYS a Battery-Powered Beanie? Honestly... }}

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[[ The scene begins with Dave sitting at work using the phone to chat with someone who he seems to be wholly familiar with ]]
Dave: Oh yeah, Janice was definitely the hottest muppet on 'The Muppet Show'. Not only did she play guitar in the band, she was a nurse, too! I mean... damn, baby!

[[ Dave continues his conversation but feels someone level their gaze upon him and turns to look ]]
Dave: I mean, for a muppet, she was a total fox! You know how many times I watched "The Great Muppet Caper" just to hear her line about "Walking on the beach naked?" Plus, she was the first muppet to... uh...

[[ Framed shot of the elderly coworker looking at Dave like he's straight out of his mind ]]

[[ Finally Dave decides discretion is the better part of valor and ends the call ]]
Dave: Uhmm, I gotta go. I'll call you back later. <<beat>> Yeah, love you too, Mom.

{{ Nothing like awkward moments at the workplace to make the experience that much sweeter }}