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too damn talky

too damn talky

Striker: Okay, Donald. I can't help but notice that your friends are BATSHIT INSANE. My money is on crazy-juice in the water.
Donald: You're more right than you know.
Striker: I am?

Donald: There is definately something wrong with the water. Pete and Clay drink it, look at them. And most of the dudes all drink it, of course.
Striker: Well, they aren't CRAZY...

*Series of flashback panels to the dumbest dude moments.*

Striker: Okay, well... they aren't ALL crazy. One of them was pretty damn sharp.
Donald: Was he an officer? The officers seem to have their own private water source.
Striker: ...uh...

Striker: Well, then... we need to get out of here before the same thing happens to the rest of us. How do you stay normal?
Donald: I get my water by building little dew-trap wells near the windows. But there wont be enough for the two of us, and certainly not for your samurai friend.

Striker: Are there any escape routes you know of?
Donald: No, none. The only way out would be by blasting a hole in the wall and sneaking out of the compound from there.

Striker: ...Is that possible?
Donald: Well, uh... for one thing, if we went that way you'd be spotted by the guards and killed on sight. Well, the guards that weren't caught in the blast. It would only work if one person went alone.
Striker: But you can do it, right?
Donald: ...yes. Pete has alcohol, and I happen to have some "special" supplies hidden.. we could fashion an explosive out of them if need be.

Striker: So why haven't you done this yet?
Donald: Like I said, we'd be killed on sight if we tried. Too many guards.
Striker: Alright, but what if we *weren't* seen?

Donald: What's that mean?
Striker: I'm a ninja. I can be very stealthy. It would be easy for me to sneak out.
Donald: If I let you escape, they'll punish the rest of us.

Striker: Look, I'm a NINJA. That means I pretty much *radiate* death. If I can get out of this prison, I can silently kill the guards one by one and rescue you guys. All I need is to a way out of this cell.
Donald: Hmm...
Striker: Do we have a deal?

*Close up on Donald*
Donald: ...We strike at dawn.

*panel of silence*

Striker: Hey, wait... if this isn't actually a bar, how does Pete have alcohol?
Donald: Yeah, that's been bugging me too.

*panel of silence*

Striker: So what, it just appeared there?
Donald: I guess so.

Striker: Well that's fucking creepy.
Donald: I've managed to distract myself from surreality of it by keeping myself perpetually wasted.

say what again

say what again

*Donald and Clay approach*
Donald: Oh. Hello, Pete. I see we have... new customers.
Pete: Yep, yep!
Donald: Why don't you go make their drinks, Pete? And one for Clay, as well.

Clay: How about a little fire, Scarecrow?
Pete: Right! Follow me, Clay.
Clay: Yeah, that hit the spot.
Emo Samuri: i will go also, i have a lot the thirst.

Striker: So who are you?
Donld: I'm Donald. I co-own this place with Pete.

Striker: Okay... just so long as we're on the same page here, you *are* aware that this is a dungeon, right?
Donald: Oh thank god! After seeing your friend I was afraid you were gone too.
Striker: Nah, I... I think he's always like that.

Donald: Don't let Pete hear you say anything about it being a dungeon, though. He's normally okay but if you press the issue... he can get violent. It's been going on for about two weeks.
Striker: Who's the other guy?
Donald: He's... a "customer". He's a little bit worse off than Pete. His name is Clay.

Striker: Does *he* know that we're in a dungeon?
Donald: Hard to tell. He only speaks in quotes from Quentin Tarantino movies.

Striker: ...what? Seriously?
Donald: Yeah. Don't worry, though. He seems to accept whatever he's told, so he's pretty much harmless. Crazy, but harmless.

Donald: Though he does have a pet peeve about bad grammar, ironically enough.
Striker: ...I've got a bad feeling about this...

Clay: ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKA, DO YOU SPEAK IT?!
Emo Samurai: why you say? is not what pot calls kettle black?

a grim fandango in the theater

a grim fandango in the theater

Striker: Somehow, I had a feeling we would meet again.
Emo Samurai: is it not that we are connected by red string of fate?
Striker: Ugh. No, it is not. Never say that again. That is one of the creepiest things one dude can say to another dude.

Striker: Uh, not that there's anything wrong with that. Some of my best friends are-
Emo Samurai: striker, i think we are not alone.
Pete (Off-panel): Customers?

Pete: Ah! Welcome to the Calavera, travelers. My name is Pete. Can I get you anything?
Striker: What the what? The Calavera?
Pete: Of course. What would you like to drink?
Striker: No, no. Wait. Stop. Explain. Where are we?

*Pete-Vision of the Calavera*
Caption: PETE-O-VISION
Pete: You're in the Calavera, the most popular nightclub in the city. I'm afraid our band canceled on us, so we're having a bit of an off night... but don't let that get you down.

*Striver-Vision of the Calavera*
Caption: STRIKER-VISION
Striker: What's your nightclub doing in a jail?
Pete: Jail? This is no jail! This is the Calavera!

Striker: You must not be paying attention. Notice, if you will, the iron bars that hold us in here.
Pete: Yes, of course. Those are for pole dancing. The dancers are all out sick tonight, though. Must be a bug going around, eh?
Striker: . . .

Striker: And what of the guards? The guards, dressed to kill, ready to attack us the moment we think of escape?
Pete: Those are our bouncers. I suppose they are a little overpowered, but you can't be too careful these days.
Guard 1: Nice day for it.
Guard 2: Mmyep.

*A panel of silence.*

Striker: Ah, what the hell. I give up. Get me a Manhattan on the rocks.
Emo Samurai: are you have everclear?
Striker: Ugh. Dude, Everclear sucks.

it's philosophical

it's philosophical

Martial arts master: Gensuke, are you ready for your final test?
Gensuke: I am, sensei.

Martial arts master: I will ask you one question. If you can answer it, there will be nothing more I can teach you. If you cannot, you will be banished from here. Either way, you will leave my tutelage forever. Are you sure you are prepared?
Gensuke: I am sure.

Martial arts master: Very well. One train leaves Johnsonville at 2:00, traveling at 60 miles per hour. Another train leaves Ashton at 2:30, traveling at 50 miles per hour. If Ashton and Johnsonville are 150 miles apart, and the trains are traveling towards each other at constant speeds, at what time will they meet?

Gensuke: Uh... about 3:35, sensei.
Martial arts master: You have learned nothing. Go.

Martial arts master: Wait, did you say 3:45 or 3:35?
Gensuke: 3:35.

Martial arts master: Oh, I'm sorry. My mistake. You pass, my son!

the last straw

the last straw

Emo Samurai: intern, i have need of more coffee. this coffee; too cold.
Dragon Ninja: THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!

Emo Samurai: yes, well, i still need more. chop chop.
Dragon Ninja: You! You aren't Captan Lister! Guards, look at him! He isn't even wearing the fake arm anymore!

Dragon Ninja: Guess what? While we're at it, I'm the legendary Dragon Ninja, lord of the ninja clan! Look, I'm actually WEARING my ceremonial armor RIGHT NOW! No disguise! Go on, arrest me! But first, throw this imposter in the dungeon! I don't even care about you dudes anymore so long as he SUFFERS!

*Emo Samurai is in jail with Striker*
Emo Samurai: so as it turns out i have none of social skills whatsoever.
Striker: I hadn't noticed.

http://www.myspace.com/consolidatedheartsfan

http://www.myspace.com/consolidatedheartsfan

Emo Samurai: great news, underling!
Dragon Ninja: Look, I am REALLY not in the mood right now.

Dragon Ninja: I have been watching nothing but Corpse Bride for the past fifteen hours. Corpse Bride, mission reports, and the insides of my own eyelids. I have just received reports that a ninja wearing blue has been captured just outside our territory, which casts a suspicious light on your *own* capture of the same ninja.

Dragon Ninja: I have been trying, with a great deal of difficulty, to overlook the fact that you are quite CLEARLY not Captain Lister, since you seem to be doing this organization more harm than good and I am one of the plotters of it's downfall. Despite this, the stress is weighing quite heavily on my mind. So if you could, PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE.

Emo Samurai: ...intern?
Dragon Ninja: ...
Dragon Ninja: Yes, sir?

Emo Samurai: you're off my top 8.
Dragon Ninja: With all due respect, "sir"? Tom is your #3.
Dragon Ninja: BOO FREAKIN' HOO.

damn him all to hell

damn him all to hell

Dragon Ninja: Uh, sir?
Emo Samurai: yes, scary man?

Dragon: The, uh... the other officers are starting to complain about your new rules.
Emo Samurai: what are the words? my rules are very fair.
Dragon Ninja: Yes, well. Not all of us share your love of Tim Burton, sir.
Dragon Ninja: And your resolution stating that we must watch nothing but Burton films while on break is seriously taxing company morale.

Emo Samurai: imbecile! there are no problem in this world or a next which cannot be solve by tim burton! he is flawless!
Dragon Ninja: Flawless, sir? What about Planet of the Apes?

Emo Samurai: silly man, that was the direct of franklin schaffner.
Dragon Ninja: ...that's the original Planet of the Apes, sir. I was refering to the 2001 remake.
Emo Samurai: there was no remake.

Dragon Ninja: Certainly there was, sir. If I recall, Danny Elfman wrote the score for it.
Emo Samurai: there was no remake! shut your dirty hateful mouth!

the only thing more offensive than a swastika

the only thing more offensive than a swastika

Businesslike Dude: Welcome back, Captain. We've done a bit of restructuring, so...
Businesslike Dude: you have your own intern now.
Emo Samurai: excellent.
Intern: Yes. Yes, I am new here.

Emo Samurai: the intern appears... ninja-like. is this natural?
Businesslike Dude: I don't know what you are talking about, sir.
Intern: Yeah. I'm nothing like a ninja.

Intern: A ninja is a master of disguise, so one could never detect one.
Emo Samurai: but-
Intern: Anything that SEEMS to be a ninja cannot be, by the very definition of the nature of ninja-ness. So I could not be a ninja.

Intern: Besides, if a ninja ever WERE detected, his detection would be irrelevant, as he would KILL whoever found him immediately with a slash to the neck.
Emo Samurai: hmm.

Intern: The cut would both kill the hapless victim and render him incapable of speech, so he would be unable to signal to his comrades. His body would be hidden in a closet and the ninja would go about his business.

*panel of silence*

Emo Samurai: i... i was just saying is all. geez.
Businesslike Dude: Okay! So anyway, you two get to know each other.

i'm gonna be your number one

i'm gonna be your number one

Emo Samurai: i notice that because i'm named "emo" samurai, you guys seem to think that i'm just a pathetic loser who cries all the time. but really i am a multifaceted person!

Striker: Man, since when did you start using words like "multifaceted"?
Emo Samurai: see? i am evolving all the time! maybe tomorrow i will use capital letters! not all music i like is "emo", either.

Striker: He also really likes Blondie, apparently.
Emo Samurai: now see, that is lie.
Striker: No it isn't! I hear you singing "The Tide is High" in the shower!

*cut to a scene of mist coming from the shower*
Emo Samurai (in shower): iiiiiim not the kinda girl! who gives up juuust like thaaaaaaat! oh noooooooooo!

Emo Samurai: you listen to my shower? dude, privacy.
Striker: It's kinda hard not to hear! You sing loud, man!

Striker: That being said, you actually have a surprisingly good singing voice. Almost disturbingly pretty.
Emo Samurai: yes, well. i took choir when i was child.
Emo Samurai: see? just another of the many ways that i am multifaceted!

Striker: You really do cry all the time, though.
Emo Samurai: yes, yes. i have an eye condition.
Emo Samurai: also my life is pure anguish.

inexplicably popular

inexplicably popular

Tony: Alright! The ninja has been dispatched!
Capslock: WHO SUCKS NOW HUH?!
Striker: I'm a professional killer, and that *still* sickened me.

Rick: Hey, wait... there's five of us now. Wasn't there four or us to begin with?
Striker: Uh... yeah. I'm backup. From headquarters. I'd better go... report.
Tony: Good idea!
Capslock: LATER MAN

Tony: So what should we do now, boss?
Emo Samurai: you are saying the words at my person?
Tony: Yes, sir. What are our orders?
Rick: Waaaait... something's off here...

Emo Samurai: nonsense, all of it is on. i am your command officer, just as you think.
Tony: He looks like the boss to me, Rick.
Rick: Well... kinda, but... something about him is different.

Emo Samurai: four dudes there were once, and now four there are again. do you not see the similarities?
Tony: See? He's acting all weird and hard to understand, just like he always does.
Capslock: CMON LETS GO HOME K?

Rick: ...well... yeah, I guess you're right. Sorry, boss.
Tony: Another job well done!
Emo Samurai: w00t! i am popular!