Killer Robots From Space - latest additions

And what'd ya get?

And what'd ya get?

...except I can't stop thinking about how like, this is the first day of the rest of my life, you know?

Am I really going to be coming here basically everyday for the next forty years? And then I guess I just die?

So then I think that there's gotta be a better way, right? Like I _probably_ could win the lottery if I really tried to.

Or like, does crime really not pay, or is that just something they tell kids, like don't get in the swimming pool right after eating?

Oh man, earlier today I heard someone actually say "workin' hard or hardly workin'."
_And then everyone laughed!_

Holy shit!

This a good job though, lots of dudes have it way worse... I mean, what is wrong with me?

Plus, everyone else around here seems pretty happy.

(pause)

Basically it's like being in a zombie movie except everyone else is normal and I'm the zombie.

(pause)

Dang they weren't kidding when they said that you're kind of a whiner, huh?

So bitter

So bitter

Ugh, I don't know what I ate, but my mouth tastes terrible.

That sucks. I mean, that is definitely the worst body part to have tasting bad.

That's a good point! I bet if my arm tasted bad, I probably wouldn't even know it! But my mouth... it's right there!

I'm sayin'!

(pause)

(pause)

(pause)

(pause)

So how is it?
Not that bad! Kinda... kinda good, actually!

Which really just makes this whole situation all the more frustrating, to be honest.

That IS what makes it so funny

That IS what makes it so funny

I can't believe you said that to him.
What? It was a joke!

C'mon, it was so ridiculous that I obviously didn't mean it seriously!

Maybe he just didn't know that "Abort, Retry, Ignore" is an old computer thing, I don't know.

But when he did take me seriously though, I guess I thought it'd be funny to kind of ... you know, keep going with it.

Eventually he'd realize I was joking around, I figured. And then we'd all have a good chuckle.

I guess he didn't quite get there, though. You know, I guess hardly anybody hardly ever gets there, come to think of it ...

Anyways, this time it ended up with me tackling him, repeatedly punching him in the face, and screaming "Get it?! Get it?!"

See, cause I would never seriously punch someone in the face.

That's what makes it so funny.

This one is about toasters

This one is about toasters

So old toasters were side loading, huh? That's weird. I wonder who invented the top loading kind?

Yeah, I don't know.
Why are we talking about this?

Cause it completely revolutionized the indistry! Have you ever seen a new, non-top loading toaster?
_Me neither._

What does it say about our culture that we don't celebrate such an important individual?

(pause)

"Hey everyone, we're not as easily distracted by shiny things as you might first expect"?

I was just gonna go with "Hey everyone, we're not actually a bunch of retards."

You are a man who cuts straight to the point.
Yes I am.

It's got a catchy theme song, ok

It's got a catchy theme song, ok

Hey, me and some other guys are gonna go do that bar trivia thing tonight, wanna go?

Ummm...

(pause)

Dear Diary, today Ivan asked me if I wanted to go to bar trivia night, but I decided not to go.

I just kept thinking "oh my god what if they have a Pokemon catagory at this trivia contest??"

Now, I'm not an expert by any means, but I definitely know more than someone my age should about Pokemon.

It's very entertaining, ok! And c'mon, the Pichu brothers are like ten different types of adorable!

Could I let my team lose though, just so no one would find out about my surprisingly comprehensive Pokemon knowledge?

I didn't want to find out. Of course I had to make up a reason why I couldn't go.

Just in case anyone suspected anything, I made sure to make it sound extra manly and mature.

Yeah, I don't know. He said that one night he drank all the Cosmopolitans and now they won't let him back in here.

Hey! This isn't

Hey! This isn't

So what'd you do this weekend?

Oh, I found this old, classy looking book at a garage sale, so I cut the middle of the pages out, making a secret compartment in there, like in the movies.

I feel it will make an excellent plot device in my autobiography.

That is pretty cool. What are you gonna put in there?

Oh, well, my, uh, collection of gold doubloons that I scavanged last summer with my, uh, librarian girlfriend...

Oh. I don't think that I met here.

Oh, he lives in Canada, so, you know, t-that's probably why.

Oh.

(pause)

Alright, you got me! I'm lying! I don't have any gold doubloons or a librarian girlfriend! Are you happy now?

In fact, I spent that rest of the weekend thinking about how I don't own anything secret or interesting enough to warrent that level of subterfuge!

Now the book just sits there, glaring at me, like, "ha ha, loser!"

And it's right! I can't even read the story now, cause I threw out all the pages.

(pause)

...so what'd you do?

Oh you know... um, just a whole lot of nothin', ha ha.

Honey, are you calling the library again? I'm sure they're doing find without you for one weekend. Come see these crazy gold coins I found!

Vir Malus Es

Vir Malus Es

Hey do either of you know what "mihi ignosce, cum homine de cane debeo congredi" mean?

Yeah, it means "a fool and his money are soon parted."

That'll be twenty dollars, please.

Oh, awesome, thanks.
Here you go.

(pause)

Aw man, you gave it to charity?

Yeah, for the mentally handicapped. I mostly just felt guilty about it and that seemed like the appropriate place.

In which a labored premise is explored

In which a labored premise is explored

Oh hey, how are you doing? That was quite a shot you took there in the last battle...

Yeah, I'm ok. I got this thing where my audio and visual inputs are kind of crossed though...

I can totally see the sound and hear the colors, maaaannnnn... It's pretty crazy.

I'm gonna call it "Groovia Psychodelicosis."

I figure since I invented it, I get to name it, right.

I tried to work "far out" in there somewhere too, but it just wouldn't fit.

...that already has a name though, it's called "synesthesia," and it was _discovered_ in the late 1800s.

Wait, wait, say that word again.

Uh, "synesthesia."

Oh man that word looks like this angry old guy with these wicked sideburns and a top hat, and he's totally giving me the finger!

God I hate thinking up these titles

God I hate thinking up these titles

Alright guys, here is my thing I am on about today.

I have decided that gelatin flouts the laws of God and Nature.

You take dead animals right, and boil them down for days and days and then gelatin is what is left.

What I am saying is, is if animals have souls, that is basically what gelatin is.

And then we go and make like Gummy Bears and Peeps and junk out of them and that is wrong!

Toasting a marshmallow is like sending a cow to hell. Think about it.

I will think about it! Hey, what do you have going for tomorrow?

Tomorrow is all about people who use the word "delish!"

Sounds pretty quirky!
You know it, buddy!

On the art of repartee

On the art of repartee

Man, on the way home last night, some dude in this giant truck was behind, and his headlights were _so bright._

It was like being followed home by Sirius or something!

(pause)

Cause Sirius is a binary star, right? Like each headlight was so bright that it was like a star.

Yeah, I got it.

(pause)

...but start can't follow you home! They're too big for that! So it's like this crazy juxtaposition, see?

(pause)

I mean, they are like, waaay to big! Bigger than the planet, even! Also, they are very bright! You'd probably go blind if one was behind you!

Yes, I know that stars are both very large and quite luminous, thank you.

Well why didn't you laught then?

I just don't like you very much.

(pause)

So it's not that you didn't think it was funny, you just didn't wanna give me that satisfaction, right?

I suppose that's possible.
Sweet.
Oh hey, plus Sirius is the "dog star" so there's a whole dog following me home thing there too! Man I'm a genius over here!