Fetus-X - latest additions

Jokes!

Jokes!

My juvenile JOKES! about Satanica�s mom totally bombed
Now the chase is on and readers respond:
45.7% Thinck I should run like hell.
6.7% Say I should learn how to spell.
5.5% Tell me to apologize or rip out my eyes.
7.2% Have some summertime tips for toning my thighs.
14.4% Feel it�s important to make jokes
About the folks that make us choke.
8.3% Must be derided for they are undecided.
12.2% Think taking time to paint pictures is silly
When that Devil Girl! Is coming! To kill me!

War!

War!

I gotta stop the stupid Chupacabra WAR!
We don�t need your hardcore gore galore anymore.
1) I�ll return to my Fortress of Bad Attitude
And fill it with carnivorous Jell-O cubes.
2) Then I�ll send out diplomat pterodactyls
To teach the world to jack off to porno fractals.
3) Then me and my terr-artist cell will make you trip
With this painting of a motherfuckin� pirate ship!
4) And if that doesn�t make the universe a better place
We could always just shoot each other in the face.

Nightmare!

Nightmare!

My name is Eric Millikin and now I�m gonna get killed again
When this nightmare flood of blood cuts off my oxygen.
Maybe if I can finish this painting before I start fainting
Then when I�m dead some dudes might still find me entertaining.
Meanwhile I�ll try to persist in perceiving this from an optimist�s stance:
At least you people can�t really tell that I�ve pissed blood in my pants.
Now I�m getting nervous; I definitely don�t deserve this
Just when things can�t get badder they hit their worstest.

Nightmares!

Nightmares!

I�ve got a sickening secret that I can�t keep
About why so many people die in their sleep.
Sometimes your mind will melt in a massive fire
When faced with nightmares by Narcissa the Vampire.
Other times she�ll just snap your heart in two
Forcing you to face the dreams you can�t make true.
She�ll show you it�s the waking world you should fear;
That�s why I only sleep once every other year.
See, I know about dreams frontward and back
Even though I�m a total mother fucking insomniac.
Oh, piss, painting this picture has made me tired!
If I die in my sleep, blame that Princess of Vampires.

Your stupid race

Your stupid race

Look, I gotta say it to your face:
I really hate your stupid race.
To help you, I�ve made a list
Of all the races that make me pissed:
The nuclear arms race is at number five
(I�d hate it more but I�m still alive).
Next on my list of targets for an awesome race war,
I�ve got the three-legged sack race at number four.
The U.S. Presidential race is at number three
Because it�s full of lies and criminal stupidity.
And the human race is at two, not number one,
Because the race I hate most is in the movie �Cannonball Run.�
Now let me know if there�s any I�ve missed
And I�ll add your stupid race to my �Most Hated� list.

Sip of Blood!

Sip of Blood!

There�s a vampire in this dream
And I�m not sure what she means
When she says, �One sip of blood
Is just the start of the flood.�

Is that just a half-assed
Sort of weather forecast?
Should I go to the park
And build myself an ark?
Did that vampire curse me?
Because I sure am thirsty.

Maybe she means you can die real quick
Starting from just the tiniest prick.
�Starting from just the tiniest prick,�
Is a good start to a joke about your dick.

Maybe she was just trying to chat?
Sure, I�ll drink blood to that.

Zombie God!

Zombie God!

There�s a psychic fetus feeding on my brain
Stealing all my secret girlfriends� names.
Don�t you think that�s a sorta odd
Thing to do in the name of a zombie god?
Zombie god? Zombie god?
In the name of a still born zombie god?

Crap, I had a joke about your boob job,
But my memory has been robbed.
I can�t remember if I blew my wad
While being chased by a Mossad firing squad
From Cape Cod to Riyadh
While waving a four-foot dilrod
In the name of your zombie god?
Zombie god? Zombie god?
In the name of your lobotomy zombie god?

Interview With A Poltergeist

Interview With A Poltergeist

I contacted Alicia with my Ouija Board;
Thankfully my questions didn�t get ignored.

Q: What kind of tea do ghosts drink?
A: Boo Tea.

Q: Where do ghosts get honey?
A: Boo Bees.

Q: What germ warfare agent do ghosts store in their hats?
A: The Boo Bonnet Plague.

Q: How does a ghost get half of a glue gun?
A: Break in Two Electric Boo Glue.

Meet Eric & Fetus-X!

Meet Eric & Fetus-X!

Meet Eric & Fetus-X!

My friend Fetus wants to eat all your brains;
I�m Eric and I�ll just have a fuckin� burrito.
It only makes sense to eat brains in self-defense,
Like that one time Chewbacca ate Greedo�s.

Now Fetus worships a giant brain from space
While I follow a more agnostic credo.
No more holy wars or stoning whores �
I�ll skip church to paint poltergeists in my prom tuxedo.

And while I�ve fallen in love with a vampire chick,
Nothing seems to stroke that little fetal libido.
He swims by, naked and alone in formaldehyde;
Myself, I�d at least wear a fluorescent thong Speedo.

VAMP

VAMP

VAMP

So last month I went to sleep for once,
But luckily I brought my sketchbook along.
While I was there I had a nightmare where
A vampire sang me Bananarama songs.

Blood-sucking bats wearing cowboy hats
Kept trying to bite my zombie arm off,
So I tried to run away back to the burrito buffet
But my lungs came out when I coughed.

Soon millions more died, rotting from the inside,
Under the veil of that vampire curse;
But there�s no need to scream at such a bad dream
When the waking world is still worse.