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| Joe Camel must be pissed. | The zookeeper had decided that he was fed up with this nasty habit. / The animals revolted. / Using a nicotine patch isn't easy when you're covered in fur. http://citrussoldier.com/comic-1.html |
| Who spells "humus" like that? | Tommy was tired of being asked by fliratious cstomers if he was THE 'Bean Boy.' / Of course he was. / Idiots. http://citrussoldier.com/comic-2.html |
| I am the mightiest warrior of the lands. | Robert sincerely regrets not chipping in the extra ten dollars for the larger shield. http://citrussoldier.com/comic-3.html |
| Take 30 doses and never call me again. | Jeanette is experiencing unexpected side-effects from the medication. http://citrussoldier.com/comic-4.html |
| Any minute now. Here we go. | Tad decided that today would be the day that he would save the world. / Just after he finishes his beer. http://citrussoldier.com/comic-5.html |
| It's rudimentary physics. Look it up. | Suddenly, a giant vacuum opened up in the middle of the playground. http://citrussoldier.com/comic-6.html |
| If you like makin' love at midnight in the dunes of the cape... | Trent has made a new friend! http://citrussoldier.com/comic-7.html |
| Coming up next on Animal Planet: | The bicycles waited silently, hidden in their natural surroundings, as they prepared to attack their approaching, unsuspecting prey. / Tonight, they would feast. http://citrussoldier.com/comic-8.html |
| Definitely more plausible than the water-soluble aliens from "Signs." | Jeff made a valiant effort to ward off the invading windshield aliens. http://citrussoldier.com/comic-9.html |
| Oh no! The fish have broken through the protective intestinal casing! | "This giant sausage will make for a great boat anchor," said Peter. http://citrussoldier.com/comic-10.html |
| Luckily, she also left the garage door open. | Did I turn the oven off? / Shit. http://citrussoldier.com/comic-11.html |
| Buzzin' like a bee. | Martin found a stash of some primo bud. http://citrussoldier.com/comic-12.html |
| That's probably not even a spider. | As he began to write the ransom note, Francis began to wonder whether he could even eat 100 million flies. http://citrussoldier.com/comic-13.html |
| "Who is the Potter, pray, and who the Pot?" | Stan is a die-hard fan of the regional pottery championship. http://citrussoldier.com/comic-14.html |
| It's a serious game. | Okay guys, keep your eye on the ball--no! Not you! Turn around, that's not the point. STEVE! Get your hands back on the pole! Okay--yes. Stick your leg out. DAMMIT STEVE KEEP YOUR HANDS ON THE GODDAMN POLE!! http://citrussoldier.com/comic-15.html |
| It's really the next logical step. | New from Google:
/ Google AdSense Earth / AdSense Earth automatically crawls the content of your planet and delivers non-intrusive text-based advertisements relevant to your audience and your geographic landscape. http://citrussoldier.com/comic-16.html |
| I'm coming up so you'd better get this party started. | iPod takes its message to the streets. http://citrussoldier.com/comic-17.html |
| Marlon Brando never looked so good. | Terry sighed as he hung up his gloves for the last time. / "I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody. I coulda been...fabulous." http://citrussoldier.com/comic-18.html |
| What do you mean nobody's buying them? | Today, inventor Dean Kamen revealed his newest invention which he says will revolutionize human transportation:
/ The Bathway PT http://citrussoldier.com/comic-19.html |
| A discourse on the nature of humanity and fluffiness. | In these clouds, I see the fragility of life--the thin, precious whisps of existence being haplessly torn apart by the cold and bitter winds of injudicious oppression. / I see a mother weeping for the loss of her child for a capricious objective effectuated by overzealous and imprudent ministers, who never fully comprehended the futility of their endeavors. / I see madness and despair obscuring the bright rays of enlightenment. / In these clouds, I see the true frailty of human existence. / I also see a bunny rabbit! http://citrussoldier.com/comic-20.html |
| Fill the dog bowl with jet fuel. | The new prototype didn't turn out as well as the researchers had hoped. / Getting a commercial jetliner to breed with a small dog proved to be harder than expected. http://citrussoldier.com/comic-21.html |
| Baby got back. | "Do these stripes make my butt look big?" / Ten minutes later, a man was found dead in the tiger exhibit. http://citrussoldier.com/comic-22.html |
| Sleeping with the fishes. | Jason gazed despondently into the lake. / He knew their love could never be. / "Farewell, my lovely trout princess." http://citrussoldier.com/comic-23.html |
| Someone should work out the truth table for this one. | As Rob sat and contemplated the logic of this statement, he realized it was only possible for them to get into heaven if they both died and had their fate decided simultaneously. / "Oh well," he thought. "I wonder what I should do with her body. http://citrussoldier.com/comic-24.html |
| Energy Star qualified clothes dryer. | Standing outside on a clear spring morning, I felt a cool breeze waft against my skin. / "Someone has stolen all of my clothing," I noticed. http://citrussoldier.com/comic-25.html |
| Everyone loves fairy tale endings. | "And so, the prince and the princess lived happily ever after until thier sex life got bad, and that whore of a princess started sleeping around with the prince's best friend from college, leaving the prince a drunken mess who hired a hitman to take them both out and make it look like an accident. / And that is why you can't see Mommy anymore. The end." http://citrussoldier.com/comic-26.html |
| Something is wrong with the lighting in this picture. | One of the more typical evening activities in the Johnson household. http://citrussoldier.com/comic-27.html |
| Soccer should always be played on asphalt while drunk. | Robert had a nagging suspicion that this was not the soccer field. http://citrussoldier.com/comic-28.html |
| Ancient electronic mythology. | In the mid-20th century, televisions were not used for viewing programs as they are today, but were rather utilized in conjunction with the refrigerator under the belief that the combination would please the utility-gods and thus ensure a prosperous harvest. http://citrussoldier.com/comic-29.html |
| Tales of the Trail. | When I was a young boy, I put a fly in my sister's oatmeal as a joke. She contracted cholera and died a few days later. Not too long after, my older brother got a snake bite while we were hunting for buffalo, of which we were only able to carry 200 pounds back to our wagon. In an attempt to save the five dollars for a ferry ride, we attempted to caulk our wagon and float it over the Green River crossing. Our wagon tipped over in the treacherous waters, killing one of our oxen and causing us to lose most of our food and supplies. At the Snake River crossing, we traded our last three sets of spare clothing to some Indians to help us cross the river. Not being able to afford the Barlow Toll Road, we made a final attempt to raft down the Columbia River to reach our destination. We crashed into a rock in the heavy rapids, completely destroying our wagon, and drowning everyone onboard save for me and my father. We arrived at the Willamette Valley cold, naked, and at the edge of death. / But Oregon was so worth it. http://citrussoldier.com/comic-30.html |