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Gay Weddin's Jeffrey: Man, Oklahoma hates it when gays get hitched! / Jeffrey [[Thought Bubble]]: They say it's got to be between a man and a woman... but they don't tell you what a man and woman are... / [[Jeffrey is standing with a cat at a window labeled "Weddin's"]] / Jeffrey: I'd like to get married please....
Sin Tax Jeffrey: The world "Politics" comes from the Latin "Poly" meaning "Many" and "Tics" which means "Ticks!" Many Ticks! / Jeffrey: The word "democracy" is interesting. It begins with "demo" which is short for "demon" and "cracy" which is just "crazy" misspelled. Democracy means being crazy because of...
Murdering Lessons Jeffrey: All these dang detective shows tell you how to commit the perfect crime if you pay attention! / [[A male and female cop kneel in front of a woman in a pool of blood still wearing one high heeled shoe.]] / Male cop: Do we know who did this? / Female cop: Yes! But it's a good thing the perp...
So Evil Jeffrey: Baby, check out that gnarly yuppie dude over there. / Jeffrey: He's so evil... / Jeffrey: That when you fold him up... / Jeffrey: He turns into a gun.
What Vapid Activity Are You Jeffrey: Oh, now this is just HORSE CRAP. / [[Jeffrey is holding his monitor at gunpoint.]] / Jeffrey: I've put up with a lot of your crap, internet, but this time you've gone TOO FAR. / Jeffrey: If I was a member of Wu-Tang Clan, I would be METHOD MAN, not OLD DIRTY BASTARD. / [[On computer screen's...
 
Lobster Hot Dogs Jeffrey: Would it kill them to make lobster sized buns? Would it? / Jeffrey: This morning I finally watched that movie "Supersize Me." It was great! I thought that dude had a very kickass moustache. / Jeffrey: It really makes a man realize that there are like a billion things that can go wrong...
TopatoCo Jeffrey: Today I started a company called TopatoCo.* / Note: *true. / Jeffrey: The most important thing about a company is the logo! / [[Beneath are several test logos for TopatoCo.]] / Jeffrey: I've made a huge mistake.
Copper vs Chocolate Jeff: The reason the internet breaks down so much is because of bad alien technology! / Jeff: Scientists finished building the internet in 1958 using plans they got from aliens. The plans said to use chocolate wire instead of copper wire. / Scientist: Turns out the aliens were just messin' with us. / Waitress:...
Here Comes Weedmaster P Jeffrey: Hey, here comes Weedmaster P! / Weedmaster P: WHAT IT IS BITCHES / Baby: Ha Ha, word! / Jeffrey: How's the weed, Weedmaster P? / Weedmaster P: THE WEED IS TREMENDOUSLY MAGNIFICENT / Jeffrey: Weedmaster P's entire personality is about smoking an illegal plant. / Baby: Was he high?
The C-Word [[A crowd is gathered at a cocktail party, each of them speaking a different word.]] / Partygoer 1: Fallujah / Partygoer 2: Marines / Partygoer 3: Morals / Partygoer 4: Blue State / Partygoer 5: Insurgents / Partygoer 6: OBL / Partygoer 7: WMDs / Partygoer 8: Britney / Jeffrey: Does anyone here not speak CNN-ese?...
 
Don't Drink the Brown Water Narrator: OKLA. CITY WATER TREATMENT FACILITY / Female Scientist: Sir, Jeffrey Rowland in sector 7G is not complying! / Supervisor: Maximize his dosage! / Jeffrey: Lately, I've become a lot more careful about what I put in my body. Especially water. All the water I drink now is boiled and filtered....
Sensible Consumer Advisor Man Baby: Jeffrey, look at these ugly-ass, 50-year old shoes on eBay that someone told me I need to own!! / Jeffrey: Heretic! / Baby: What the fu- / Jeffrey: I am the SENSIBLE CONSUMER ADVISOR MAN! / Baby: I can see the outline of your pee-pee through... / Baby: ...is that my bodysuit? / Jeffrey: Unlike...
Perpetual Motion Jeffrey: Baby, come look! I invented a perpetual motion machine! / Baby: Finally! / Jeffrey: Put on this bullet-proof vest first! Once the oil industry finds out about this, it's gonna be rainin' lead! / Baby: Oh... kay. / Jeffrey: Tighten it up around the bottom, there... / Jeffrey [[Thought Bubble]]:...
Tiberius William Seward Burroughs Rowland Jeff: Writing a book is like, super hard. You have to explain the simplest things to people in a way that a tiny, confused baby would understand... baby... / Jeff: Write this down, Tiberius. "Irony is like a baby that is born in a coffin." / Jeff: Sometimes you just want to give up and put your monkey...
It Is a Good Day to Steal Jeffrey: Today is the biggest shopping day of the year in America. / Jeffrey: It's also a day when many wealthy suburban homes are left unoccupied for hours and hours. / Jeffrey: Now, this comic does not support burgling or other forms of thievery. / Baby: Jeffrey, why are you ransacking your...
 
Botox For the Soul Jeff: Holy Moses, I am gettin' old!! / Narrator [Jeff]: So I went to a "Tsunami Bomb" show and pushed a bunch of teenagers around in the mosh pit! / Narrator [Jeff]: But when all the teens lie still in a heap of face jewwlry and hair products, I didn't feel younger. / Narrator [Jeff]: I rode around...
Lasers Solve Everything Jeffrey: I am having laser dandruff surgery performed. I only wish lasers could solve all of my problems. / Jeffrey: Baby, the only way to bust through this blockade is to set our lasers to full power. / Baby: But I have something stuck in my teeth! / [[Jeffrey on one knee, pointing his laser...
Mrs. Madeleine Rainbow Rowland Jeff's Friend: ...and then her sister caught on fire- / Jeff: My friends get mad at me because I'm not very good at paying attention. / Jeff: They also think I'm insane because I constantly address an audience visible only to me. / [[Jeff stands in an alley, holding a snake]] / Jeff: Nobody understands...
The Stoned Samurai Jeffrey: Hey, there's Weedmaster P! / Baby: What is he doing? / Weedmaster P: SON OF A BITCH / Jeffrey: Weedmaster P, you can't pick up a car! / Weedmaster P: A SAMURAI'S STRENGTH COMES FROM WITHIN / Weedmaster P: DICK / Jeffrey: Weedmaster P has smoked so much weed that he thinks he's a samurai who...
Cars That Go Boom Baby: Jeffrey, that guy just left that big red truck sitting there! / Jeffrey: Oh my GOD. / [[Jeffrey leaps toward a large truck with "DANGER EXPLOSIVES" stenciled on it.]] / Baby: Jeffrey, NO! / [[The light of an explosion lights Baby's face as she poses like the Home Alone kid.]] / Baby: NOOOOO!...
 
Primp Your Ride Jeff: There's a good reason "Wildest Police Videos" in my favorite TV program. / [[Such items as rope, a fire extinguisher, poison, a video camera]] / Narrator [Jeff]: It teaches you everything you need to know. I carry all kinds of stuff in my car now, including rope and a parachute. / [[Car flying...
Fat Rude Guys Get All The Honeys Jeff's Boss: What do you got for me Jeffrey, what do you got? / Jeff: [[holding up paper]] TV pilot called "Rude, Ignorant Man and His Attractive Italian Wife!" / Jeff's Boss: Oh this is gonna knock 'em dead Jeffrey. / Narrator: TWO MONTHS LATER... / Rude, Ignorant Man: Man I hate those homosexuals. / Attractive...
Cymbal Is M Jeffrey: Sometimes you want to piss off everybody by being vague and indirect. That's why you use symbolism! / [[Jeffrey is wearing a baseball cap with "RIAA" printed backwards, with a noose in one hand and a pig under the opposite arm.]] / Jeffrey: For example, here I am using symbolic imagery to...
Hottttttttttttttt Jeffrey: We're delighted to have you over for supper, Weedmaster P. / Baby: Indeed! How is your fa-- / Weedmaster P: GOD DAMMIT. / Jeffrey: What's the matter with you, Weedmaster P? / Weedmaster P: It's HOT. / Jeffrey: Weedmaster P lives in a trancendental place where the only things that matter...
Jerk-Proof Jeffrey: There is no such thing as "Stainless" steel or "non-stick" cookware. Not if you get it hot enough. / Jeffrey: Same goes for "flame-retardant," "non-toxic," "idiot-proof," and "Dolphin safe." If it is a thing, it is potentially lethal. / Jeffrey: The fabric of reality is stitched together...
 
Can Ye Hear Me Nay Jeffrey: Yo! Jeffrey Rowland here for the all new T-Mobile LIFE MASTER. / Jeffrey: This thing has it all! Phone, internet, games, TV, encyclopedia, clock, breathalyzer, 100 gigs of storage and a self-destruct device! / Jeffrey: Without one, your life is but a void; the void this device will fill...
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Middle of Nowhere Jeffrey: Hey, let's go pick up a hitchhiker and drop him off in the middle of nowhere! / Baby: Jeffrey, can we? / Narrator: Some time later... / Jeffrey: That wasn't nearly as fun as I expected it to be. / Jeffrey: Maybe doing terrible things to helpless people is wrong... / {{Mouseover Text: let's...
Mashed Potato Melancholy Baby: Jeffrey, what's all that noise?! / Jeffrey: I am sucking all of the peanut butter out of these Reese's cups and replacing it with mashed potatoes! / [[Jeffrey stands at a booth with a sign stating "Reece's Cups, 50 cents"]] / Jeffrey: Oh my God, this is going to be ridiculously hysterical. / Jeffrey:...
A Pox on Hollywood Video TV Reporter: We're here outside HOLLYWOOD VIDEO where Jeffrey Rowland's rental privileges have been suspended. / TV Reporter: HOLLYWOOD VIDEO claims Rowland did not return a copy of "Simpsons Hit and Run," a charge Rowland Vehemently denies. / [[Black-and-white shot of Jeff holding a bird by the neck]] / Voiceover:...
Chewbacca Fantasies Jeffrey: Oh, hello Chewbacca. Can I get you something to eat? A sandwich perhaps? / Jeffrey: What kind of sandwich do you want? ... / Jeffrey: One big old slab of meat sandwich coming up! / Jeffrey: I hope you don't mind if I watch you eat, Chewbacca. / Jeffrey: It's like watching God make love...
 

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