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Sunday, March 16, 2008 The Unshelved Book Club presents "Spud" by John Van De Ruit / Dewey: It's the end of apartheid. His father is preparing for the end of civilization as he's known it. But John "Spud" Milton has other worries. He's starting his first year at a prestigious boys-only private school. The Crazy Eight play cricket, slave for older boys, and take part in forbidden midnight skinny-dipping missions. Rain man has an unhealthy fixation on a cat, disappears for days at a time, and pulls his hair out continually. Mad Dog hunts rock pigeons at night. Fatty eats everything. And Rambo, the king of the dorm, may be having an affair with the drama teacher. The prefect under the stairs is raising a menagerie of animals and insects. The English teacher swears continuously while discussing great books over lunch. Lucky for us (but not always for him), Spud keeps a diary. / Dewey: [[to young male patron]] It's not for the faint of heart. / Patron: I can handle it. / Dewey: I'm not talking about you. / Patron's mother: [[skimming through the book]] Oh my.
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Monday, March 17, 2008 Patron [[returning a video to Dewey]]: There are no captions on this video. / Dewey: Yes there are. / Patron: How do you know? / Dewey [[pointing to the box]]: It says so right here. / Patron: I can't read that. / Dewey: Let's hope they're clearer on the screen.
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Tuesday, March 18, 2008 Woman customer: I could have found that information. / Colleen: I'm sure you would have. Eventually. / Customer: I'm just as fast as you. / Colleen: At some things, perhaps. / Customer: You're no better than me! / Colleen: I hope that's true. Because you'll be looking for your own answers from now on.
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Wednesday, March 19, 2008 Tamara: I hope that answered your question! / Male Patron: I knew the answer. / Tamara: Then I hope it made you feel good about yourself! / Male Patron: I always do. / Male Patron: I just wanted an excuse to talk to you. / Tamara: And that makes me feel good about myself! As long as you don't say anything else to me!
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Thursday, March 20, 2008 [[Man at Dewey's desk. He is wearing a tie, holding a small piece of paper, and gesturing to his left]] / Man: I want to advertise my tax business on the bulletin board. / Dewey: You can't do that. But you *can* volunteer to give tax help in the library. Maybe you can even write it off! / Man [[looking happy]]: Really? It's a deduction? / Dewey [[with arms folded]]: If you don't know, I take back the offer.
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Friday, March 21, 2008 [[Mel and Dewey watch two children dancing at one of those dance-video-game things.]] / Mel: I told you we can't have people dance off their fines! / Dewey: But you also told me I need to apportion resources fairly. / Mel: Which resources? Bestsellers? Computer time? / Dewey: Tax consultant. / [[Mel leaves and Dewey calls after her.]] / Dewey: If it's any consolation, this is the only tie-breaker. / Who knew we had TWO *Magnum, P.I.* trivia experts?
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Saturday, March 22, 2008 [[In the library]] / Colleen: You're reading a book. And smiling. / Dewey: I think I can deduct a work-related expense. / Dewey: Without caffeine I can't get out of bed / I have to get out of bed to come to work / So I'm writing off my coffee / Dewey: Now that I think about it, I can't come to work without pants either! / Colleen: [[holding her daughter]] How's my little write-off? / Colleen's daughter: Depreciating. Can I have a snack?
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Sunday, March 23, 2008 The Unshelved Book Club presents "The Electric Church" by Jeff Somers / [[Man in dirty clothes sitting next to an open manhole cover. He appears to be holding a handgun. There's a rope coming out of the manhole. Ruins of buildings all around, and a transparent person with an non-transparent face standing and looking at him.]] / Dewey: At 26, Avery Cates isn't just the oldest gunner in the gin joint, he's the oldest person there, period. / The gin is terrible, and the world is no better. / The poor scavenge the ruins, trying to survive, squeezed for bribes by the corrupt Crushers. / Plastic-faced, cybernetic monks from the Electric Church offer a way to salvation: / An eternity of prayer in a robotic body. / Rumor is they don't take "No" for an answer. / Cates is different than the other Gunners. / He operates with honor, plays by the rules. / But on his last job he killed an undercover officer of the System Security Force / They have his description, and Colonoel Moje has made it his mission to eliminate Cates. / Then a high ranking official offers Cates an impossible job with an unimaginably huge payoff: / [[In the library]] / Dewey: kill the founder and prophet of the Electric Church before it takes over the world. / Grandma(?): Eternal life? That sounds pretty good to me. / Dewey: They're forced to become cyborgs! / Grandma: Just take away my arthritis and I'm in.
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Monday, March 24, 2008 Dewey: Sir, I'm afraid what you're looking at is making people uncomfortable. / Scruffy Internet user: Tell 'em to quit looking over my shoulder. / Dewey: Please use this privacy screen, and turn your monitor screen to the wall. / Scruffy: It's not my problem, so I'm not doing anything. / Scruffy: Who is this weak-kneed complainer, anyway? / Dewey: Normally I couldn't tell you, but those knees belong to me.
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Tuesday, March 25, 2008 Mel: You're not allowed to complain about what he's looking at. / Mel: You're expected to foster a public space where intellectual freedom can flourish! / [[Dewey walking away from Mel]] / Mel: You're a professional. It's like a quarterback complaining about a tackle. / Dewey: I'm going to hide behind the line of scrimmage.
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Wednesday, March 26, 2008 Dewey: I'm told I can't force you to comply. / Scruffy Man: Great! Because I'm not doing anything wrong. / Dewey: I didn't say you were wrong. It just turns my stomach. / Scruffy: Great! Now turn your stomach away from me. / Dewey: Fortunately you can't make me leave either. / Scruffy: Great.
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Thursday, March 27, 2008 [[Patron 1 with 5 o'clock shadow is working at a computer. Dewey is standing behind him.]] / Patron 1: I thought you didn't like what I was looking at? / Dewey: I don't. / Patron 1: And you're not allowed to complain. / Dewey: No. But they are. / [[Dewey is standing behind Patron 1, holding a sign reading "Dirty old dude - complaints welcome," surrounded by a crowd of patrons.]] / Patron 2: Is that anatomy or produce? / Patron 3: I think it's both.
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Friday, March 28, 2008 [[A woman, two boys, and Dewey are looking over a man's shoulder at his computer screen]] / Young boy: What is that, Mommy? / Glasses boy: Could you move your head to the right? / Man: Fine. I'll turn the screen towards the wall. / [[Dewey is shooing the others away]] / Young boy: Now I can't see! / Glasses boy: What was that URL? / Dewey: Time to move along, folks. Show's over. / Dewey: I want to congratulate you on doing the right thing. / Man: I want to congratulate you on inciting peer pressure.
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Saturday, March 29, 2008 Old man: Don't take that attitude with me! / Dewey: Which one? I have quite a few. / Old man: It was your tone. / Dewey: You asked me to recommend a book. I offered several choices. / Old man: But you were so smug and knowing! / Dewey: I'll send out someone more ignorant to help you.
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Sunday, March 30, 2008 The Unshelved Book Club: GOOD CALORIES, BAD CALORIES, by Gary Taubes / Ned: Everything you know about nutrition is wrong. The government has been lying to you. The American Medical Association and the American Heart Association have been spouting baseless fictions. Science reporter Gary Taubes spent five years poring through a century of nutritional research, public policy, media coverage, and scientific debate. The conclusions are inescapable: Saturated Fat is good for you - you can't eat too much. Diabetes, obesity, heart disease, and hypertension are all caused by carbohydrates. Cholesterol doesn't hurt you, and fiber doesn't help. / Dewey: I'll wait. / Ned: For what? / Dewey: Donuts. / Dewey: When fat was bad, donuts were bad. Now fats are good, but carbs are bad. So donuts are still bad. I'll just wait it out. Eventually donuts will be revealed as the miracle food they are. / Ned: I don't think it works that- / Dewey: Donuts. / Ned: See, this book is about the hard evidence- / Dewey: Donuts. / Ned: It can't- / Dewey: DONUTS. / Colleen: Always the man of science. / Dewey: Here's your powdered jelly.
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Monday, March 31, 2008 [[A boy is talking to Dewey at the reference desk.]] / Boy: Can you help me with my physics homework? / Dewey: Kid, I majored in English Lit. / Boy: What does that mean? / Dewey: It means this library has *rug stains* more qualified to help you. / [[Tamara approaches, holding a bucket and dripping mop.]] / Tamara: Not any more!! / Boy: There goes my G.P.A.
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Tuesday, April 01, 2008 Dewey: We should get one of those live homework help services. / Mel: But they cost money! / Dewey: Do you want to get kids off the street, improve their grades, and make the library relevant? / Mel: Yes! / Dewey: Then we should get one of those live homework help services. / Mel: But they cost money!
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Wednesday, April 02, 2008 [[Mel and Colleen stand in front of a computer screen]] / Mel: ...and it connects you to a real tutor! / Colleen: Thanks for taking another step towards replacing us with machines. / [[Close up of Mel and Colleen facing each other]] / Mel: We can't possibly help with homework all the time. / Colleen: Yes, let's buy devil boxes instead of hiring more librarians. / [[Mel speaks to Colleen's back as she walks away, patron Fred approaches desk]] / Mel: It frees us to do what we're trained for! / Fred: You're out of toilet paper.
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Thursday, April 03, 2008 [[Dewey and boy standing in front of book shelves]] / Boy: You don't have the expertise to advise me. / Dewey: I agree. / Boy: You offer no value whatsoever. / Dewey: Maybe our online tutoring service can help you. / [[Boy sitting in front of computer as Dewey walks away]] / Boy: How does it work? / Dewey: Well clearly I wouldn't be of any use.
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Friday, April 04, 2008 Dewey: Try this. It uses chat to answer your questions. / Patron: I don't like chat. / Patron: It's a waste of time. People talk about things that aren't relevant. They go on and on and on about nothing, right? They keep on......they just repeat......I'm not like......get to the point......ly. / Patron: I just want to get down to business. / Dewey: I'm sure they'll appreciate that.
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Saturday, April 05, 2008 Woman: I have a complaint about this so-called "Homework Help" / Dewey: This is always the most exciting part of launching a new service. / Woman: You're EXCLUDING those who don't have access to computers! / Dewey: We have computers here. Free for all. / Woman: Some people don't LIKE computers. / Dewey: But I happen to know you're not one of them. / Woman: I insist you cater to every hypothetical scenario I can dream up!
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Sunday, April 06, 2008 Dewey: Thanks for covering for me tonight. / Tamara: My pleasure. What do you have planned? / Dewey: Reservations at the best hotel in town. / Tamara: Nice! / Dewey: Candlelit dinner, fine red wine. / Tamara: Good for you! / Dewey: I'm clearing my whole schedule so I can really be present. / Tamara: Well I'm impressed. I knew you were a romantic at heart! / Dewey: Yup, when my favorite author comes out with a new book, it's a special occasion! / Tamara: But... what about CATHY? / Dewey: Her favorite authors are all dead. / Dewey: Ooops, almost forgot to pack my reading pillow!
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Monday, April 07, 2008 Dewey: I'm sorry. / Computer Victim [[looking down at laptop computer]]: Don't worry, it's not your fault. / Dewey: Actually it is. / Computer Victim [[still looking down]]: Okay. / Computer Victim [[looking up; Dewey has disappeared]]: What?
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Tuesday, April 08, 2008 [[Mel is sitting at her desk, talking to Dewey.]] / Mel: You just walked away? / Dewey: There was nothing else I could do. / Mel: The patron was extremely upset. / Dewey: I don't blame him. His computer was broken. / Mel: Because you broke it! / Dewey: But that doesn't mean I know how to fix it!
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Wednesday, April 09, 2008 Dewey: I admit it. I made a mistake when I was helping you with your laptop. / Computer Victim: That's completely unacceptable! / Dewey: What would you like me to do? / Computer Victim: I demand compensation! / Dewey: I've got thirteen cents and a Tootsie Roll Pop. / Computer Victim: Ooooh, what flavor?
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Thursday, April 10, 2008 Mel: Our legal department is on the way over. / Dewey: Too late. I already settled. / Mel: You can't to that! There could be damages! Repercussions! / Dewey [[holding up form]]: The patron signed this release. / Mel: I'm not talking about him! / Lawyer [[to Dewey]]: You must be the walking liability.
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Friday, April 11, 2008 Lawyer: You are not authorized to negotiate settlements. / Dewey: He's a regular. It was no big deal. / Lawyer: You are not remotely qualified to ascertain that. / Dewey: Tell the truth: do you get paid by the syllable? / Lawyer: . . . affirmative. / Dewey: See, I can respect that.
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Saturday, April 12, 2008 Computer Victim: Thanks for finally fixing this. / Dewey: My pleasure. / Computer Victim: I hope you didn't get in trouble on my account. / Dewey: Nah. / Computer Victim: Really? No lawyer problems? / Dewey: Nothing to speak of. / Lawyer: STOP IGNORING ME!
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Sunday, April 13, 2008 The Unshelved Book Club present "Magic Pickle and the Planet of the Grapes" by Scott Morse / [[A macho pickle with arms and a star on its "forehead" flies toward the reader]] / Dewey: The Magic Pickle secretly fights crime from his HQ under Jo Jo's bed / (her house is built on top of the lab that created him) / He uses his crime computer and super powers to fight the wicked fruits and veggies of The Brotherhood of Evil Produce. / He's detected some sinister citrus at the Farmer's Market. / One of Jo Jo's classmates has brought a strange machine to school, along with a wagonload of fruit. / (she was soured by the free lemonade). / [[Dewey is showing the book to Tamara, who is holding up her hands in refusal]] / Dewey: It's the start of The Raizin's plan to create a planet of the grapes! / Tamara: I won't read a comic / Dewey [[interrupting]]: Chapter book. / Tamara: about bad fruit! There's no such thing! / Dewey: You've never seen the crisper in my fridge.
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Monday, April 14, 2008 [[Angry Lady is talking to Dewey at the reference desk.]] / Angry Lady: Are you just going to sit there while I yell at you? / Dewey: Yup. / Angry Lady: Why? / Dewey: You're like a boiler. I'm allowing you to let off steam so you don't explode. / Angry Lady: But I want a reaction! / Dewey: I always wanted a pony. Not really. But I thought you'd appreciate some empathy.
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