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Wednesday, June 11, 2003 Mel: Sir, this book is covered with fingerprints! / Patron: Sorry, I forgot to wash my hands after they booked me. / Mel: After they...? / Patron: Yeah. My lawyer's so good I was out before the ink was dry! / Mel: Anything ... serious? / Patron: You haven't heard? Give me your name. I'll submit you for the jury pool!
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Thursday, June 12, 2003 Mel: Remember, you're at the information desk all day tomorrow. / Dewey: Colleen's vacations cramp my style. / Tamara: Work cramps your style. / Dewey: Yeah, but I've set my expectations accordingly. / Mel: Yes, low expectations are key. / Tamara: Not me. Every day I wake up and expect my dreams to come true! / [[In the foreground Buddy is studying the blueprints for the new library]]
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Friday, June 13, 2003 Mel: Good morning, Dewey! / Dewey: Hey, Mel. / Dewey: Any luck getting the budget... Mel? Are you okay? / Tamara: Morning everyone! What are you looking at? / Tamara: That's funny. The library looks different. / Mel: The library looks completely different! / Dewey: Cool! We're in an alternate universe!
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Saturday, June 14, 2003 Mel: It's just like the blueprints! / Tamara: It's just like a miracle! / Dewey: It's just like a bad episode of Sliders! / Mel: I can't believe it! / Tamara: I can't understand it! / Dewey: Of course, every episode of Sliders was bad...
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Sunday, June 15, 2003 Mel: Buddy? You remodeled the whole library by yourself? / Buddy: I had help with the dry walling. / Mel: I didn't even know you were a contractor! / Buddy [[hands her a card]]: I'm not, per se. But I have one of these. / Mel [[reading the card]]: "Artistic License" / Tamara: Who are you calling? / Dewey: Mira Sorvino. I figure, dream sequence, I ought to go for it.
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Monday, June 16, 2003 Mel: Colleen, welcome back! / Colleen: Last time I went on vacation you hired a giant talking beaver! / Mel: True... / Colleen: Now you remodel the whole library? / Mel: Funny story there, it was actually done by... / Colleen: I'm never taking vacation again. / Mel: It was just a coincidence! / Dewey: Can I have her days off? I don't care what you do when I'm gone.
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Tuesday, June 17, 2003 Tamara: Buddy, I heard you did this? Remodeled the library? / Buddy: Yeah, I did it for... / Tamara: I don't care why you did it. I'm just grateful. [[kisses him on the head]] / Merv: Is it legal to kiss a rodent?
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Wednesday, June 18, 2003 Tamara: Everyone seems to like the new library! / Mel: Who'd have thought Buddy could make so many people happy? / Patron 1: I swear-- the large print books were right here yesterday! / Patron 2: Let's get you back to the home, Grandma-- it's time to change your medication.
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Thursday, June 19, 2003 [[At the desk]] / Woman 1: Do you have sea stories for nauseated preschoolers? / Man: Mystery novels for children of alcoholics? / Woman 2: Books on boating for home-schooled zoroastrians? / Mel: Maybe we need MORE more specific collections. / Dewey: What, and encourage them?
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Friday, June 20, 2003 [[The books are sorted into catagories such as "Hedgehogs in Peril", "Elvis Impersonations by the Handicapped", and "How to Draw Your Mother Eating Soup"]] / Dewey: You said we needed to be even more specific! / Mel: I was hoping you'd be SLIGHTLY realistic. / Boy [[next to "The Movies of Ted Danson"]]: I didn't know "Three Men and a Little Lady" was on DVD!
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Saturday, June 21, 2003 [[Dewey is reading at the desk. Angry Woman comes along]] / [[Dewey puts down the book]] / Dewey: Can I help you? / Angry Woman: Reading on the job? That's nice work if you can get it. / Dewey: It is. But you have to be a people person, and I'm guessing you're not.
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Sunday, June 22, 2003 [[Buddy and Dewey are typing, Buddy slowly and Dewey quickly]] / Buddy: Wow! How fast do you type? / Dewey: I have no idea. As fast as I think, I guess. / Buddy: Hey, me too!
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Monday, June 23, 2003 Merv: Thanks for taking me out for ice cream, Dewey! / Dewey: I'm rewarding a member of my teen advisory board. On the hottest day of the year. / Merv: Wait a second, you're on the clock? / Dewey: Thanks for reminding me. We need to talk about books on the way.
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Tuesday, June 24, 2003 [[Dewey and Merv at the Mallville Ice Cream Shop]] / Merv [[covering his ears with his hands]]: I don't want to hear about that book! It's a girl's diary! / Dewey: But that's why you'd like *Sloppy Firsts*! / Dewey: [[Pointing at ice cream] Uh, one scoop. Chocolate. / Ice Cream Jerk:[[Wearing eye patch]] What'll you have, Matey? / Merv: I'm looking around for the parrot. Or the hidden camera
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Wednesday, June 25, 2003 Dewey: Uh-oh. Follow my lead. / Mel: Dewey? Aren't you on duty? / Dewey: I hope you learned something, Merv. / Merv: From now on you'll never find me without a library book in my hands! / Mel: You don't have one now. / Dewey: He doesn't want to get ice cream on it. / Merv: I'm all about respect for public property!
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Thursday, June 26, 2003 Dewey [[punching doll]]: Check this out! It talks when you pound it! / Sumo doll: I'm going to knock you for a roop! / Dewey: Press his tattoo and he says it in japanese! / Sumo doll: <> / Buddy: Actually he said, "You smell like a rotten peach pit!" / Dewey [[on telephone]]: I have to apologize to Mrs. Nakamoto! / Tamara [[to Buddy]]: You speak Japanese? / Buddy: Picked it up at the monastery.
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Friday, June 27, 2003 Dewey: I've told you before: Don't kill your friends at the library! / Dewey: If you're going to act like that, wait until you go home. / Dewey: Once you're out of the building you can kill everyone for all I care. / Merv: But I need their weapons to defeat the dragon! / Dewey: I don't know why you waste your time on that stupid game.
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Saturday, June 28, 2003 Local author: I'm a local author. I'd like to donate my book to the library. / [[Collen at reference desk]] / Colleen: Uh, is this it? / Local author: Yes. Well, the first half. / Colleen: We can't... / Local author: I'll staple it together after it finishes printing. / Merv: Printer's out of paper again.
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Sunday, June 29, 2003 Tamara: Mrs. D? My grade-school librarian? / Mrs. D: I was weeding our collection and found this. / [[She hands Tamara "Jacob Two-Two Meets the Hooded Fang"]] / Mrs. D: It was one of your favorites so I wanted you to have it. / [[She is leaving]] / Tamara: I loved it! But how did you find me? / Mrs. D: Don't underestimate school librarians, dear. Bye!
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Monday, June 30, 2003 [[Pregnant patron approaches help desk, Dewey at computer]] / Patron: Where is the storytime? / Dewey: In the meeting room. / Patron: For what ages is it appropriate? / Dewey: It says "all ages," but I'm not sure you qualify. / Patron: I assure you I have an age!! / [[Patron walks off angrily, Dewey and Mel at computers at help desk]] / Dewey: Hormones / Mel: I'll pretend you didn't say that.
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Tuesday, July 01, 2003 Patron: I want to eat healthier. How can I identify foods grown with no pesticides? / Dewey: Look for bugs. Insects = no pesticides. / Patron: That's my only choice? / Dewey: Take your pick: maggots or cancer. / [[Patron is in background, Tamara looks indignantly at Dewey while he shelves books.]] / Tamara: Or he could just look for food with an "organic" label!
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Wednesday, July 02, 2003 Patron: Where are the good books? / Dewey: That's a matter of taste. / Patron: I just don't want to waste my time. / Dewey: As opposed to mine. / Patron: What did you say? / Dewey: I'm opposed to land mines. / Tamara: You're walking a fine line. / Dewey: Nah. I can spot a hearing aid a mile away.
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Bang [[A woman sitting at a computer, Dewey standing behind her]] / Patron: I don't understand! What do you want me to do? / Dewey: Go ahead and bang your head into the monitor. It will work as well as anything. / [[Tamara on the left, Dewey on the right standing at the circulation desk]] / Tamara: You just love it when they're hard of hearing, don't you? / Dewey: She's not hard of hearing. / <>
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Friday, July 04, 2003 [[Dewey in stacks with a patron, book in hand.]] / Dewey: This is one of my favorite books! / Patron: Hmmm... / Dewey: Plus you'd look really smart carrying it around! / [[Mel talking to Dewey at the desk, patron leaving with book]] / Mel: Wow, book circulation is way up this month!
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Saturday, July 05, 2003 [[Dewey is on the phone with a patron.]] / Patron on phone: Hi, do you have the blue book? / Dewey: Sure, used auto prices, right? / Patron on phone: No, the blue book! It's BLUE! / [[Dewey looking at all of the stacks of books in the library.]] / Dewey: Okay, you're looking for a blue book. Can you be more specific? / [[Dewey talking to Mel.]] / Dewey: . . . and it turns out the pages are WHITE! / Mel: You still shouldn't have told her we're closed until 2006.
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Sunday, July 06, 2003 Little boy in carseat: Mama I don't feel so good. / Mother [[driving]]: I can't stop right now. Find a sack or something. / Little boy [[holding up bag]]: But all I have is your book bag! / [[Dewey is standing next to a box labeled RETURN BOOKS HERE, peering dubiously into the same bag.]]
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Monday, July 07, 2003 [[Mother shows baby to Dewey in great distress]] / Mother: Diaper! / Dewey: Diaper? / Mother: Diaper! / Dewey: Yeah, it should be pretty absorbent. / [[Dewey has cut two leg holes in a book and stuck the baby in the book]]
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Tuesday, July 08, 2003 Library tip #18: Librarianship is a science / Mel: You can't throw out _Thumbelina_! / Dewey: Then I get to keep the _Highlander_ novelizations!
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Wednesday, July 09, 2003 [[Mel is bending down, pointing to a motion detector's light beam.]] / Mel: This is our new people counter! It beeps once for every patron! We'll track our busiest times and adjust the desk schedule accordingly! / [[People counter beeps continuously as a steady stream of patrons enters the library]] / [[Dewey speaks to Mel as the counter continues to beep.]] / Dewey: Only one patron right now? I'm going on break.
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People Counter <> / Mel: Excuse me, Ma'am? / Mel: You're standing in front of our people counter. Could I get you to take a few steps foward? / Old woman with walker: Do I look like I'm baking a cake here? / Mel: Sorry, I didn't... / Old woman with walker: I bet you criticize salmon swimming upstream to spawn! "I've seen faster fish in a bouillabaisse!"
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