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Saturday, June 05, 2004 Colleen: Let me get this straight. First you deleted the file. / Colleen: Then you saved a new file under the old name. Then you deleted that file. / Colleen: Then you reformatted the disk, filled it with new information, and erased it again. / Colleen: I'm sorry, that's every trick I know to get a file back. / Computer Victim: Well thanks for trying.
Sunday, June 06, 2004 Merv [[reading from a newspaper]]: "Movie beauty Mira Sorvino has become engaged to her actor beau Chris Backus. The couple - who have been dating for the past nine months - will marry on Italy's Isle of Capri before heading off on a two week honeymoon cruise." / Dewey: I'm not worried. What she and I have transcends matrimony. / Merv: Not to mention reality. / Dewey: I wouldn't talk, "Merovon, Master of the Broadsword".
Monday, June 07, 2004 [[Tamara and Dewey in the staff room]] / Tamara: [[Extending invitation]] Look, Dewey! We're both invited! / Dewey: [[Reads]] "Someone else's problem party" / Dewey: "Mallville's teachers celebrate three student-free months." / [[At the party, teachers socialize over drinks.]] / Teacher 1: Think the librarians will come? / Teacher 2: Why not? They're the guests of honor! / Teacher 1: Should I warn them about Billy's collapsible slingshot? / Teacher 2: Let them find out the hard way.
Tuesday, June 08, 2004 [[Tamara and Dewey are leaving the library together.]] / Tamara: I think it sounds like fun! / Dewey: It's a party where teachers pass problem kids on to us for the summer. / Tamara: It's just joshing. / Dewey[[starting to walk away]]: It's a trap. / Tamara: There's free food and an open bar. / Dewey[[turning around to join her]]: On the other hand, I'm all about building bridges.
Wednesday, June 09, 2004 [[Dewey, Tamara, and five teachers are talking and having drinks at an "End of School" party. A banner reads "SOMEONE ELSE'S PROBLEM!"]] / Nerdy Teacher: Hitch-hiking through Europe. You? / Female Teacher: Teaching English in the Bahamas. / Nerdy Teacher: Don't they all speak English there? / Female Teacher: Can I pick 'em or what? / Dewey: I keep expecting Kathy to jump out of a cake. / Jacketed Teacher: Kathy? She's in Hawaii by now. / Mustachioed Teacher: Drink up. You're going to need it tomorrow! / [[Merv and a friend are in the library armed with toilet paper and paintball guns]] / Merv: Our teachers told us, and I quote, "Get it out of your system this summer." / Merv's friend: Can you help me? My paintball gun keeps jamming.
 
Thursday, June 10, 2004 [[Mel and Dewey approach the staff room door to enter library]] / Mel: Those teachers were just kidding around. / Dewey: They explicitly told their students to give us trouble this summer. / [[Cut to library completely trashed. Tables knocked over, toilet papered, splashes of unknown liquid throughout the room and on books.]]
Friday, June 11, 2004 Mel: ...and that's why I gathered you all here. / Colleen: School teachers declaring war on us? Why? / Dewey: Something about "You turn on one of us, you turn on all of us." Whatever that means. / Tamara: Motion to feed Dewey to the wolves. / Colleen: Seconded / Dewey: What?
Saturday, June 12, 2004 Merv: So Kathy's fellow teachers got back at you for dumping her? / Dewey: I didn't dump her ... / Merv: Couldn't care less. How will you retaliate? / [[Dewey grins evilly.]] / [[At the school office]] / Merv: Is this where I request a specific teacher for next year?
Sunday, June 13, 2004 [[A patron approaches Dewey in the stacks]] / Patron: Can you teach me how to use a computer to write a resume? / Dewey: Sure. How much computer experience do you have? / Patron: None whatsoever. / Dewey: Then we'll start at the beginning. / [[They sit at a computer terminal]] / Dewey: When were you hoping to have it finished? / Patron: What time is it now?
Monday, June 14, 2004 [[Child runs to Tamara]] / Girl: Tamara! / Mother: I told you she would be fine! / [[Child hugs Tamara]] / Girl: I heard they were killing librarians! / Tamara: I think that was "Liberians", honey. / Girl: Are you a Liberian? / Tamara: No, but it's still sad. Let's go find a book about Africa.
 
Tuesday, June 15, 2004 [[A male patron, holding a card, is talking on his cell phone in front of the reference desk where Dewey is watching him.] / Patron: My credit card number? Let me read it to you. / [[Patron tucks card in wallet. Dewey is still watching.]] / Patron: My PIN and social security number? Sure, hold on. / [[Patron now seated at a computer with Dewey looking over his shoulder.]] / Patron: How secure is the Internet? / Dewey: For you? A big step up.
Wednesday, June 16, 2004 Buddy: ... and this is where I did storytimes until that one parent filed a lawsuit. / Dewey: Hey Buddy, who's your new friend? / Buddy: She's Dollartown's replacement summer reading mascot. / Summer Reading Cow: I'm mad about reading! / Dewey: Of course you are.
Thursday, June 17, 2004 [[Mel and Buddy the Beaver Mascot are looking at the Summer Reading Cow]] / Mel: The Summer Reading Cow seems nice. / Buddy: She is. I'm showing her the mascot ropes. / Mel: You make a cute couple. / Buddy: We're just friends. / Mel: But you have so much in common! / Buddy: I don't want to bite off more than I can chew. / Cow: Let me ruminate on that.
Friday, June 18, 2004 Colleen: Love your costume! / Cow: I made it myself. / [[A patron watches them. They look back at him.]] / Colleen: You can't find that kind of quality in stores. / Cow: Tell me about it.
Saturday, June 19, 2004 [[Mel stands beaming in front of Tamara's summer reading display, where a loving parent dinosaur holds a diapered baby dinosaur behind a display case labelled "books about dinosaurs". Tamara looks on in pride.]] / Banner: Name the baby dinosaur! / [[Mel stands glowering in front of Dewey's summer reading display, where a man has an alien bursting out of his stomach, complete with blood and gore. Dewey looks at Mel's unhappy expression in bewilderment.]] / Banner: Name the alien larvae! / Dewey: What?
 
Sunday, June 20, 2004 [[A female patron approaches Dewey at the information desk]] / Female Patron: I'm looking for information on my grandfather. / Dewey: I'll point you at some great genealogical resources. / Female Patron: That's it? Push me off on some website? I'm on my own? What happened to personal service? / Dewey: Okay, fine. What's his name? / Female Patron: You're the librarian, you tell me.
Monday, June 21, 2004 [[old lady with cane is shuffling through the door]] / [[she is now in front of Mel at the desk]] / Lady: This looks like a good place to wait around to die. / [[Dewey running in]] / Dewey: Grandma? / Grandma: I knew that would flush you out.
Tuesday, June 22, 2004 [[Dewey and his grandmother are walking in front of the Mallville Diner]] / Dewey: What brings you to Mallville? / Grandma: Can't I visit my favorite grandson? / [[They enter the diner]] / Dewey: Lose it all in Reno again? / Grandma: I listened to Wesley Snipes and bet on black. / [[They sit and look at menus]] / Dewey: You took financial advice from "Passenger 57"? / Grandma: I didn't have my copy of "Knight Moves".
Wednesday, June 23, 2004 [[Dewey and his grandmother are eating at the Mallville Diner.]] / Dewey: How's ... / [[Grandma is holding an egg in her right hand with her open purse sitting to her left side on the table]] / [[Grandma dumps the contents of her plate into her purse]] / Grandma: Keep talking. Look natural. / Dewey: I was going to ask about the food. But I guess you must like it. / Grandma: [[picking up the napkin dispenser and examining the purse]] Think they'd miss the napkin dispenser?
Thursday, June 24, 2004 [[Dewey and his Grandma walking up to the library]] / Dewey: I take it you need a place to stay? / Grandma: Just until I build up a stake. / Dewey: Most old ladies live off Social Security. / Grandma: Dewey, please. I may be a gambler but I'm not stupid. / Dewey:[[holding the door open]]No, No. I'ts *my* generation that's screwed. / Grandma:[[Looking around]] Does anyone here play dice?
 
Friday, June 25, 2004 [[Dewey and his grandmother stand facing the Mallville Retirement Home and Convenience Store]] / Grandma: Thanks, but I don't need a snack. / Dewey: This is your new home. / [[They have entered. Dewey is handing Grandma an apron marked MRHCS. A balding man, already wearing his MRHCS apron, approaches]] / Grandma: You can afford a nursing home? / Dewey: Room and board are free if you help out. / Balding man: You must be the new blood. Push the malt liquor.
Saturday, June 26, 2004 [[Dewey is talking to his grandma]] / Grandma: You want to put me in a nursing home? Can't I stay with my favorite grandson? / [[Dewey is remembering himself arriving at the Mallville Prom 1987 with his grandma]] / [[Dewey is walking away]] / Dewey: I told you I would never fall for that again. / Grandma: I knew I should have saved it. Your prom really bit the big one.
Sunday, June 27, 2004 [[Dewey and Mel are in the staff kitchen]] / Dewey: That doesn't seem very efficient. / Tamara: [[rearranging plates]]: I like to rotate the dishes so they all get used evenly. / Dewey: Why? / Tamara: So none of their feelings get hurt! / Dewey: I'm going back to the real world now. / Tamara [[speaking to a mug in her hands]]: Don't worry "World's Greatest Aunt" mug, there's nice hot tea in your future!
Monday, June 28, 2004 [[Tamara is retrieving her copies from the photocopier, next to which a sign reads "We beg of you -- 10 copies each!". She picks up the output and examines it. She frowns.]]
Tuesday, June 29, 2004 [[Buddy is examining a photocopy while Tamara looks on with her arms crossed.]] / Buddy: It looks like someone sat on the photocopier! / Tamara: I know that. Any idea who? / Buddy: Well, it's much smaller than your... I mean, you have a well-developed, which is to say, very feminine... / [[Dewey arrives and joins the conversation. Buddy addresses him.]] / Buddy: Any way out of this? / Dewey: Ritual suicide. / Tamara: Mel, look what I found!
 
Wednesday, June 30, 2004 [[Mel and Tamara stand side by side, looking at a piece of paper.]] / Mel: A butt photocopier? In my library? / Tamara: I'm afraid so. / [[Mel takes a dramatic pose, finger pointed to the sky. Tamara crosses her arms in disapproval. Dewey enters the room.]] / Mel: It's against the rules! / Tamara: It's unsanitary! / [[Mel and Tamara turns her back to walk away. Dewey takes the piece of paper.]] / Mel: I'll go call the police. / Tamara: I'll go get my Windex. / Dewey: Anyone mind if I frame this?
Thursday, July 01, 2004 [[Dewey is scrutinizing a photocopy as Tamara looks on.]] / Dewey: I'm finding this butt photocopy very disturbing. / Tamara: You are? / Dewey: I mean, is it male or female? / Tamara: Why on earth would you care? / Dewey: I can't decide whether or not it's attractive. / Tamara: I find THAT very disturbing.
Friday, July 02, 2004 [[Dewey holds square frame looking around.]] / [[Dewey holds down square frame and looks through it.]] / [[Dewey holds up square frame and looks through it.]] / [[Mel speaking to Dewey .]] / Mel: Drop it, Dewey. We'll never find the butt photocopier. / Dewey [[Holding square frame up to patron's backside.]] Good, because Ned was next on my list.
Saturday, July 03, 2004 [[A younger patron approaches Dewey at the circ desk]] / Patron: There's a puddle outside. / Dewey: Yes, rain filled a slight depression in the ground. / Patron: Standing water is a breeding ground for Malaria. / Dewey: [[Picking up the phone]]: We'll get someone right on it. / [[Buddy and Dewey stand together. Buddy wears a hazmat suit, including the mask (which suspiciously resembles an overturned waste can) and gloves. Dewey is handing Buddy a mop]] / Buddy: You called? / Dewey: Let me know if you find any TseTse flies.
Sunday, July 04, 2004 [[A patron approaches Dewey at the ref desk.]] / Patron: Is it a violation of the migratory bird protection act if the duck was already dead when I put it in my roomate's bed? / [[Dewey and the patron stare at each other]] / Patron: Something wrong? / Dewey: Where shall I start?
 

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