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| Achewood - February 22, 2005 | TEODOR: Hey Ray, do you hve any-- what's with the big outfit? / RAY: Oh! Teodor! I'm, well, I'm playin' a little on-line strip poker. Go downstairs and I'll be along in a bit! / TEODOR: Wow, webcams and everything! / [[Teodor looks quizzical.]] / TEODOR: Hey, all the other players are guys too.
/ RAY: Yeah, I didn't think it was gonna be like this. We're mostly just chattin'. / RAY: The one on top left is Matt. His dad is sick. That's Buck, he's a Black & Decker rep from Dallas. His mom got hit pretty hard with MS. / RAY: The guy with the jester hat on is Tom B. His kid has cerebral palsy. He's pretty sure it's his fault. / TEODOR: Who's the guy in the Victorian diving apparatus?
/ RAY: He won't say anything. Once in a while he puts a gun to his head. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02222005 |
| Guaranteed Honky-Tonk-Style blowjob | [[Ray has his arms crossed]] / [[Cody Travis is walking towards Ray, either humming or whistling]] / Travis: You the peckerwood pretendin' he's the son of Rodney Stubbs?
/ Ray: That depends! Are you the Guaranteed Honky-Tonk Style Blowjob I ordered from Room Service just now? / [[Travis punches Ray in the face]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02222006 |
| Achewood - February 22, 2007 | Teodor: Hey, guys! What's goin' on?
/ Beef: Oh uh we celebratin' that Ray finally graduated from ass man to breast man / Teodor: Seriously? I was startin' to wonder about you, you chowderhead!
/ Ray: Are... are ALL my dudes breast men? / Teodor: Here, let me order you a Breast Man. They make a really good one here.
/ Ray: You... we even got a drink? Ass men don't got no drink! / Teodor: Bartender! Three Breast Men, if you please!
/ Barkeep: Password?
/ Teodor: "entropy9." / Ray: Man, our drink has a PASSWORD? That is JAMES BOND IN A TOWEL! What other perks breast men get?
/ Beef: Discounts on candy
/ Phone call from a fireman
/ Free karate lessons
/ Corvette ignition ringtone
/ Secret menu at Taco Bell / Ray: There ain't no secret menu.
/ Beef: Hee I brought my copy 'cause I knew you wouldn't believe me http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02222007 |
| Achewood - February 22, 2007 | Teodor: Hey, guys! What's goin' on?
/ Beef: Oh uh we celebratin' that Ray finally graduated from ass man to breast man / Teodor: Seriously? I was startin' to wonder about you, you chowderhead!
/ Ray: Are... are ALL my dudes breast men? / Teodor: Here, let me order you a Breast Man. They make a really good one here.
/ Ray: You... we even got a drink? Ass men don't got no drink! / Teodor: Bartender! Three Breast Men, if you please!
/ Barkeep: Password?
/ Teodor: "entropy9." / Ray: Man, our drink has a PASSWORD? That is JAMES BOND IN A TOWEL! What other perks breast men get?
/ Beef: Discounts on candy
/ Phone call from a fireman
/ Free karate lessons
/ Corvette ignition ringtone
/ Secret menu at Taco Bell / Ray: There ain't no secret menu.
/ Beef: Hee I brought my copy 'cause I knew you wouldn't believe me http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02222007 |
| Achewood - February 22, 2007 | Teodor: Hey, guys! What's goin' on?
/ Beef: Oh uh we celebratin' that Ray finally graduated from ass man to breast man / Teodor: Seriously? I was startin' to wonder about you, you chowderhead!
/ Ray: Are... are ALL my dudes breast men? / Teodor: Here, let me order you a Breast Man. They make a really good one here.
/ Ray: You... we even got a drink? Ass men don't got no drink! / Teodor: Bartender! Three Breast Men, if you please!
/ Barkeep: Password?
/ Teodor: "entropy9." / Ray: Man, our drink has a PASSWORD? That is JAMES BOND IN A TOWEL! What other perks breast men get?
/ Beef: Discounts on candy
/ Phone call from a fireman
/ Free karate lessons
/ Corvette ignition ringtone
/ Secret menu at Taco Bell / Ray: There ain't no secret menu.
/ Beef: Hee I brought my copy 'cause I knew you wouldn't believe me http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02222007 |
| Achewood - February 22, 2007 | Teodor: Hey, guys! What's goin' on?
/ Beef: Oh uh we celebratin' that Ray finally graduated from ass man to breast man / Teodor: Seriously? I was startin' to wonder about you, you chowderhead!
/ Ray: Are... are ALL my dudes breast men? / Teodor: Here, let me order you a Breast Man. They make a really good one here.
/ Ray: You... we even got a drink? Ass men don't got no drink! / Teodor: Bartender! Three Breast Men, if you please!
/ Barkeep: Password?
/ Teodor: "entropy9." / Ray: Man, our drink has a PASSWORD? That is JAMES BOND IN A TOWEL! What other perks breast men get?
/ Beef: Discounts on candy
/ Phone call from a fireman
/ Free karate lessons
/ Corvette ignition ringtone
/ Secret menu at Taco Bell / Ray: There ain't no secret menu.
/ Beef: Hee I brought my copy 'cause I knew you wouldn't believe me http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02222007 |
| Achewood - February 22, 2008 | {{Philippe at home}}
/ Philippe: I want to go to Disneylaaand! I think I have to go to Disneylaaaaaaand! / {{Lyle, Teodor, Lie Bot, Ray, Roast Beef in front of "HARPER'S 27 WOMEN Dancers - Liquor - Pool" dialogue spoken generally}}
/ YEAH, man! FUCK this week!
/ I'm so glad it's Friday man I'd piss into a little plastic toy cube if someone asked me to / {{at home}}
/ Philippe: I think I'm at that special aaaaage! / {{inside the bar}}
/ {{background dialogue: }} Man last week there was this chick Rachel here man I'm talkin' about she just got up on stage and she was like THIS is a CHICK take a LOOK
/ {{other background dialogue: }} HA; HA; Saw her; HA; Piss on you; HA
/ {{Roast beef has drawn-on a thick mustache and eyebrows}}
/ Roast Beef: Awww yeah who became Groucho Marx in the bathroom just now
/ Ray: You finally doin' it, man! You finally doin' it! / {{background dialogue: }} Prime of life man I like these college chicks way better than the junkies and grind zombies they got down at Doc's
/ {{other background: }} Seriously; Dude remember that chick Tyrone?; So wrong
/ Ray: He SAID he was gonna do it! / {{floor at home is strewn with cans, empty box of nachos, a marker, a piece of paper reading "FUCK". Philippe speaks from outside the frame}}
/ Philippe: My life is special!
/ Philippe: Children are special! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02222008 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02222010">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02222010 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Ray's Hemorrhoid | [[Roast Beef is eating from a bowl, Ray limps up to the table holding a tube of ointment]]
/ Roast Beef: Why you all limpin' around Ray / Ray: I got a damn hemorrhoid, man! / Roast Beef: I've never had one of those
/ Roast Beef: Is it pretty bad / Ray: It feels like a bee damn stung me on my Gentleness! / Roast Beef: So is that tube like that Preparation H or some such similar ointment or salve / [[Ray hands the tube to Roast Beef]]
/ Ray: Nah, Lyle just dropped off somethin' stronger-
/ Ray: Somethin' he gets from that illegal doctor he drinks with.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02232004 |
| Achewood - February 23, 2005 | [[Teodor and Roast Beef are in the kitchen]]
/ Teodor: So, how are things with you and Molly? / [[Zoom in]] / [[Roast Beef stands alone]] / [[Roast Beef has a knife]] / [[Roast Beef cuts himself in half]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02232005 |
| Achewood - February 23, 2005 | [[Teodor and Roast Beef are in the kitchen]]
/ Teodor: So, how are things with you and Molly? / [[Zoom in]] / [[Roast Beef stands alone]] / [[Roast Beef has a knife]] / [[Roast Beef cuts himself in half]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02232005 |
| Achewood - February 23, 2005 | [[Teodor and Roast Beef are in the kitchen]]
/ Teodor: So, how are things with you and Molly? / [[Zoom in]] / [[Roast Beef stands alone]] / [[Roast Beef has a knife]] / [[Roast Beef cuts himself in half]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02232005 |
| Achewood - February 23, 2007 | [[Teodor walks in carrying a shopping bag]]
/ Teodor: Hey Philippe! I got you a present while I was downtown!
/ Philippe: Oh boy! What is it what is it! / [[Philippe's imagination]]
/ Teodor: I couldn't decide, so I got you the torch AND the grappling hook!
/ Philippe: ...how did you know! / Teodor: We can make our own Coke at HOME now! And it came with a bloopers video of a dog skiing!
/ Philippe: Two birds with one stone! / [[The real world]]
/ Teodor: Let's see... ah! Here it is! / [[Close-up of a box with a pen in it.]]
/ The Amazing Ninety-Nine Cent... (75% OFF)
/ WalletPen!
/ Looks small, is small!
/ MAKE CONVERSATION!
/ TV / [[Philippe is crying]]
/ Teodor: Pretty cool, huh!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02232007 |
| Achewood - February 24, 2003 | [[Ray and Téodor are standing near Téodor's new boat]]
/ Ray: This is it?! / [[Téodor has a bit of a scowl]]
/ Téodor: Don't sound so excited, Ray. / [[Ray's eyebrows are locked in the "idea" position]]
/ Ray: Téodor, man, we gotta hit the drawing board! / [[Ray and Téodor are in front of the computer. Ray is standing and has him arm ourstretched, pointing at the screen]]
/ Ray: Alright, look: so the front bench can be lined and made into a cooler....
/ Téodor: Okay, hold on...
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02242003 |
| Achewood - February 24, 2004 | < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02242004 |
| Achewood - February 24, 2005 | Roast Beef: Holy crap who pressed on my head?! / Roast Beef: Dude did you press on my head about fifty seconds ago / Ray: Naw, man. I been in here in a while / Roast Beef: This page is kind of reflective I can use it to see if the person is coming up again to press me on the head / Roast Beef: Alright just sit and cool it they are sure to be back and press on me / Roast Beef: God I'm not even able to read a seingle line I'm so distracted http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02242005 |
| Achewood - February 24, 2005 | [[Roast Beef is sitting in a chair, reading a magazine]] / [[close up of Roast Beef, whos head is being pressed on by someone wearing a black shirt]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02242005 |
| Achewood - February 24, 2005 | [[Roast Beef is sitting in Ray's living room reading a book. A black-sleeved arm pressed on his head.]] / Roast Beef: Holy crap who pressed on my head?! / Roast Beef: Dude did you press on my head about fifty seconds ago / Ray: Naw, man. I been in here in a while / Roast Beef: This page is kind of reflective I can use it to see if the person is coming up again to press me on the head / Roast Beef: Alright just sit and cool it they are sure to be back and press on me / Roast Beef: God I'm not even able to read a single line I'm so distracted http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02242005 |
| Achewood - February 24, 2006 | [[ Ray sits splay legged on the ground staring at his front paws ]]
/ << beeep beeep beep >> / [[ Closeup, the blood is thick on rays paws ]] / [[ Ray stares ]] / [[ Ray remembers the feeling of rippping off a face ]] / [[ Ray vomits ]]
/ << Hup... phlurgh! splat >> / Roast beef: Same thing happened to Fauntleroy Brown in '84. / [[ Roast beef, in his desert goggles, fixes Ray with a gaze ]] / Roast beef: He was another BOC who came to the fight without qualifyin' or ever having much to do with his fist in general. / Roast Beef:First confrontation on the Acres he stuck his fist right through Fast Eddie Brandt's ribcage and pulled out his heart. / Roast Beef: Fauntleroy lost his lunch but then went into a three day Dutch fugue. Maimed or killed 586 men but was insane the rest of his days. / Ray: I...I don't like this, Beef! I gotta get outta here! What if I fugue? I'm not cool with this, man! I didn't think it'd be like this! Help me out, Beef! Help me, man! Help! HELP! / Roast Beef: You didn't kill that guy Ray. That was Cody Travis and he has his own private mobile medical unit right over that barbed wire. Cosmetic surgeons and everything. / Ray: Way way wait...Cody Travis, that country dode who sells CDs' to Kmart people?
/ Roast Beef:He fights every year. / Roast Beef:Might be unpleasant to watch him eat heavily sauced pastas for a while but he'll be back in the studio in a month. Probably do a Christian thing. / Ray: He's not dead...he's not dead...I...we brawled...he's fine, he ha stuff for his album....
/ Roast Beef:He came over here as a stunt to impress the massive following he gets every year. / Roast Beef: Now that you've kicked the ass of the only other army leader it looks like you're dining alone tommorrow. / Roast Beef:It's turkey and brandy at noon and plenty of time to rest up for day three. Nice work / Roast Beef:Now how about we catch with the rest of the guys at the Tenmen. Get your mind off things. / Roast Beef:I...damn, Beef! I can't beleive you're missing a Tenman show! Let's get us some whiskeys and unwind! / [[ Outside the fence, the Tenmen play. The crowd is with them. ]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02242006 |
| Achewood § February 24, 2009 | Ray: I thought about this financial crisis from all angles, dogg. We gotta legalize and tax pot. That could really be the big save. / Ray: It would literally be amazing if I was kidding. / Roast Beef: We ain't never gonna legalize pot man we way too puritanical as a society / Ray: No, we all just think that the guy next to us is puritanical. In secret, we ALL scopin' lo-fi porn on our iPhones and wishin' we had ever figured out how to make our cars do a wheelie. / Ray: Damn... you know what America really needs? "Admit it" day. Where everybody's honest just for one day. that's all it would take to turn this gig around. / Roast Beef: All some cop pulling you over just to confess that he would like nothing more than to make love to Orlando Bloom. Then he wishes you a nice day and speeds off to a crime. / Ray: Exactly. I'm talkin' housewife in gym clothes at Starbucks goin', "Which of you lanky baristas wants to steal me husband's stupid Corvette and move to Cancun?" / Roast Beef: Man I just pictured a corn field full of baristas raisin' their hands as the camera plane swoops over
/ Ray: Admit it day could do more for this counter than any amount of playin' tricks with money. / Roast Beef: All some guy standing on his front lawn next to his car and wife and kids and screamin' "I can't pay for ANY OF THIS!" Later than night he blows his brains out in a creek so there won't be a mess / Ray: See what you did there? You went negative. Negative don't sell.
/ Roast Beef: Well not everything that everybody has to admit is a wonderful dream / Ray: Okay, maybe you can only admit happy things on Admit It day.
/ Roast Beef: People are gonna use Admit It day any damn way they please man I mean look how many people use Christmas as the second date on their headstone / Ray: Jesus Christ, Beef. I try to invent a happiness holiday and you got dads layin' in creeks blowin' themselves away on Christmas.
/ Roast Beef: What can I say not everybody was meant for the art department at Hallmark. / {{Alt-text: The plural is actually baristi, but it didn't seem like anybody besides Cornelius would know--or let themselves use--that word.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02242009 |
| Achewood - February 25, 2002 | [[Téodor and Lie Bot are in conversation]]
/ Téodor: Lie Bot, would you like to join us for dinner?
/ Lie Bot: Man, you know robots can't eat dinner! What the hell? / Téodor: Just hang out with us! You don't always have to go into the garage while we eat.
/ [[Lie Bot points his finger at Téodor]]
/ Lie Bot: Maybe there's something I like to do in the garage while you eat! You ever think of that? / Téodor: Well sorry! I just thought I'd ask!
/ [[Lie Bot has his hands in feigned agony as Téodor walks away in an annoyed fashion.]]
/ Lie Bot: Well thorry! i jutht thought i'd athk! / Title: LATER
/ [[Lie bot is playing the Banjo]] / {{Thanks to any musician who transcribes that and sends a .wav to me}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02252002 |
| Achewood - February 25, 2003 | [[Pat is sitting in front of his computer, on the phone, looking distressed]]
/ Pat; ROAST BEEF! HELP! Someone hacked into my website! / [[Roast Beef is also sitting in front of his computer, on the phone]]
/ Roast Beef; Yeah uh I saw that
/ You should check out your messageboard though man
/ It's insane / [[Pat is typing]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02252003 |
| Achewood - February 25, 2004 | [[Vlad is standing in a bar holding a beer and talking on a phone.]]
/ Vlad: Andy! Is Vlad! You are still at work? / [[Andy is sitting in a cubicle with a headset on]]
/ Andy: Yeah. / Vlad: We are agreeink to meet at Sneakers sports grill twenty minutes ago! What is deal? / Andy: Oh, I don't know. I'm kind of having a good time here. / Vlad: There still will be barbecue sauce labels to design in the mornink! Come to Sneakers!
/ Andy: You should see this one I'm designing right now. It's la bamba. / [[Vlad is talking to Lie Bot]]
/ [[LATER, AT SNEAKERS.]]
/ Vlad: The dude is so self-centered! Is so shallow! Why he cannot come to simple evenink with friend?!
/ Lie Bot: What I'm hearing here is that you guys aren't really good friends. / Vlad: I... I hate Andy is so content just with his corny red Fender Stratocaster and alphabetical CD shelf! I live next door to Andy six years! We watch over two hundred DVDs at his place! But pierogi at Vlad's? Even one time? Not a chance! / {{alt-text: The Slavic robot has an issue with another robot.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02252004 |
| Achewood - February 26, 2002 | Ray: How was your weekend, Pat? You get any of the sweet stuff? / Pat: My sister and her new husband came over and watched TV. It was real mellow, dig. / Ray: Her new husband? You mean the new husband that I... / Ray: ...Boned?
/ TO BE CONTINUED http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02262002 |
| Achewood - February 26, 2002 | [[Pat, Roast Beef, and Ray standing outside smoking.]]
/ Ray: How was your weekend, Pat? You get any of the sweet stuff? / Pat: My sister and her new husband came over and watched TV. It was real mellow, dig. / Ray: Her new husband? You mean the new husband that I... / [[Close-up (or T-shot) of Ray with left eye-brow raised.]]
/ Ray: ...Boned?
/ TO BE CONTINUED / {{Title or meta-text: ...Boned?}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02262002 |
| Achewood - February 26, 2003 | [[Ray (In a sailor's cap) and Teodor stand on a dock looking at a new and improved boat]]
/ Ray: Whoo! Now THAT is a BOAT, Teodor! / [[Pat approaches and grabs Ray]]
/ Ray! I need to talk to you! ALONE. / Pat: Listen, man. I need to borrow your peice for a little while.
/ Ray: What?! Why you need Tic-Tac, Pat?
/ Pat: I'd rather not say. / Ray: Is everything OK? You look pretty shook up!
/ Pat: THEY CLOSED MY SUBWAY, RAY! THEY TOOK IT ALL AWAY! / Ray: So what?! You gonna blow somebody away? Not with MY gun!
/ Pat: It's My turn! It's MY turn to take somethin' away! / [[Pat pushes Ray]] / [[The boat is driving away. Ray runs after it]]
/ Ray: Pat! Stop! Noooo!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02262003 |
| Achewood - February 26, 2007 | [[Teodor standing reading a book. Ray in a chair]] / Teodor: Dude, you should read this book! This chick in a little apartment in New York cooks all 524 of the recipes in Julia Child's "Mastering the Art of French Cooking" in one year! / Teodor: Even the old-school stuff with brain and aspics!
/ Ray: Huh! You know, that's a neat way to frame a challenge. I'm 'a do somethin' like that... / Ray: (thinking) ...hmmmmm...what can I do in a year... / Say every word in the dictionary...? / [[Ray imagining himself straddling a fake moon, suspended by wires]] / Ray: Abalone! Sassafrass! Mortise! Phones! Stand down, son---I'm on a roll! / [[Ray back in his chair]] / Ray: (thinking) Try a different sex position each day... / [[Ray imagining himself on the phone]] / Ray: Can today's sex position just be that one where I'm alone in the bathroom with the water runnin' again? I struck out down at Clancy's. / Okay, fine. I'll do it with one foot off the ground... / You tyrant. / {{Alt text: Shock-Walk of the Thirteen Year-Old Flamingo}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02262007 |
| Achewood ? February 26, 2009 | [[Molly and Roast Beef are in bed. Beef has a hold of the covers, and is glaring under them.]]
/ Molly: Is...is everything okay, babe?
/ Beef: Jesus Christ what in the hell come on Dracula / M: It's alright, don't stress about it. It happens to every guy at some point. / B: This don't happen to me though dammit COME ON Dracula get outta that coffin / M: Do...is it something about me? / [[Beef looks up from Dracula and addresses Molly directly.]]
/ B: No it ain't nothin' about you I ain't know what in the hell this is
/ B: I always show up with my bro up that is like the ONLY thing I can always do / M: If it's something about me, you really should tell me.
/ B: Dammit Molly why you got to go and make this about you can't you see I got a major concern here / [[Molly clutches at the covers, annoyed.]]
/ M: Hey, don't snap at me!
/ M: For all I know, you're having an affair and feel too guilty to be with me! / B: Oh yeah I'd look real good in that personals ad
/ B: "Worked-up silent dork without sex ability seeks oblivion and demise" / M: Thanks. That makes me feel really great about being married to you. / B: Again it's all about you I mean have you even considered that if a man's body loses its sole definitive function then maybe it might be dyin' / M: Beef, you think you're dying if you didn't notice when the mailman came. Get over it.
/ B: Man if some Inuit dude knew I had this problem he'd put me in a canoe and send me out past the tide / [[Molly and Beef have turned so that they have their backs to each other.]]
/ B: FOOD IS SCARCE ROAST BEEF AND WE CANNOT FEED A MAN IN WHOSE PANTS HANGS THE SPECTER OF DEATH
/ M: You, Dracula, the Inuit and the Specter of Death hash it out. I'll be on the side of the bed that isn't carpooling to Comic-Con. / {{title text: Roast Beef, Dracula, an Inuit and the Specter of Death walk into a bar. Complete this joke for a chance at seven dollars.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02262009 |
| Achewood - February 27, 2002 | Ray: He don't dig on jokes about his family. I guess I forgot that.
/ Teodor: So Pat was pretty mad? / Ray: Yeah. I should call and apologize to him.
/ Teodor: ...yeah / Ray: I hate making calls like this.
/ Teodor: I don't blame you. / Ray: Hey man, it's Ray. I'm sorry I said that I boned your brother-in-law http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02272002 |
| Achewood - February 27, 2003 | Todd: Hey Roast Beef! Can you help me do my t-t-taxes?
/ Roast Beef: Well sure Todd I would be happy to It's good to see you filin' early that is dope / Roast Beef: Alright now first you basically got to declare your income and how you come by that income
/ Todd: I run smack in my van! / Roast Beef: Hm that's definitely gonna raise a red flag Let's just say you're a private contractor
/ Todd: A contractor! Nice! Real respectable like! / Roast Beef: And how much money did you make last year
/ Todd: I dunno! Not much, I bet. / Roast Beef: Well now that particular figure is very important here We can't really move forward without it
/ Todd: What's the best number to say? / Roast Beef: Oh you don't want to go makin' stuff up You gonna get audited if you do
/ Todd: What's gettin' audited? / Roast Beef: That's when a man comes to your house and he just looks at you / Roast Beef: He just looks at you and he knows that you lied http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02272003 |
| Achewood - February 27, 2003 | Todd: Hey Roast Beef! Can you help me do my t-t-taxes?
/ Roast Beef: Well sure Todd I would be happy to It's good to see you filin' early that is dope / Roast Beef: Alright now first you basically got to declare your income and how you come by that income
/ Todd: I run smack in my van! / Roast Beef: Hm that's definitely gonna raise a red flag Let's just say you're a private contractor
/ Todd: A contractor! Nice! Real respectable like! / Roast Beef: And how much money did you make last year
/ Todd: I dunno! Not much, I bet. / Roast Beef: Well now that particular figure is very important here We can't really move forward without it
/ Todd: What's the best number to say? / Roast Beef: Oh you don't want to go makin' stuff up You gonna get audited if you do
/ Todd: What's gettin' audited? / Roast Beef: That's when a man comes to your house and he just looks at you / Roast Beef: He just looks at you and he knows that you lied / {{can you itemize a nightmare vs. a scream}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02272003 |
| Todd's Taxes | [[Todd and Roast Beef in room. Todd is holding tax forms]]
/ [[Todd shakes his tax forms]]
/ Todd: Hey Roast Beef! Can you help me do my t-t-taxes?
/ Roast Beef:Well Sure Todd I would be happy to
/ Roast Beef: It's good to see you filin' early that is dope / [[Roast Beef looks at forms with pencil in hand]]
/ Roast Beef: Alright first you basically got to declare your income and how you come by that income
/ Todd: I run smack in my van! / [[Roast Beef begins writing on form]]
/ Roast Beef: Hm that's definitely gonna raise a red flag Let's just say you're a private contracter
/ Todd: A contracter! Nice! Real respectable like! / Roast Beef: And how much money did you make last year
/ Todd: I dunno! Not much, I bet. / Roast Beef: Well that particular figure is very important here
/ Roast Beef: We can't really move foward without it
/ Todd: What's the best number to say? / [[Roast Beef puts pencil down and holds forearms slightly off table]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh you don't want to go makin' stuff up
/ Roast Beef: You gonna get audited if you do
/ Todd: What's gettin' audited? / [[Beef leans towards Todd, eyes widened in an uncomforting manner]]
/ Roast Beef: That's when a man comes to your house and he just looks at you / [[Beef leans even more, with eyes even wider and scarier. Todd shakily leans back in fright]]
/ Roast Beef: He just looks at you and he knows that you lied / {{alt text: Can you itemize a nightmare vs. a scream}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02272003 |
| Achewood - February 27, 2004 | [[Philippe is in a treehouse talking to Pat]]
/ Pat: What's this I hear about you runnin' for President, Philippe? / Philippe: That's right, Pat! I would like to earn your vote!
/ Pat: Let's just chat about the issues for a spell, then.
/ Philippe: Good! What issue would you like to chat about? / Pat: Where do you stand on gay folks gettin' married? That's a hot topic.
/ Philippe: Gay folks? / Pat: You know, sam sex couples.
/ Philippe: What?
/ Pat: Homosexuals! / Philippe: What are you talking about? What is Homosexuals? That sounds like the name of a famous circus gorilla!
/ Pat: No, Philippe - / Philippe: Ladies and Gentlemen, please put your hands together for Homosexuals the Gorilla!
/ Pat: That's not it at all!
/ Philippe: Hey! He can be my political party mascot! Just like how Democrats have a donkey! / [[Philippe is by himself, drawing]]
/ [[SOON]]
/ Philippe: Oh boy! / Philippe: This is turning out good!
/ [[On the paper is a drawing of a gorilla and written about in child's cursive is "It's... Homosexuals!"]]
/
/ {{alt-text: Homosexuals looks like kind of a ham.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02272004 |
| Achewood - February 27, 2006 | [[Teodor is sitting in front of the computer while Lyle, Philippe, Cornelius, and Vlad are gathered behind Teodor to read the live update from the Great Outdoor Fight.]]
/ Lyle: Quit bein' a horse's ass! Hit refresh already, T!
/ Teodor: It'll update automatically! Shut up, Lyle!
/ Vlad, thinking: Oh, man, is SO cool. / [[Same scene, Lyle getting impatient.]]
/ Lyle: What if it doesn't? You know how computers suck! We could be missin' some primo action!
/ Vlad: Look!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02272006 |
| Achewood - February 27, 2007 | [[Ray is sitting in an armchair, garbed in dressing-gown, reading the paper. Téodor approaches.]]
/ Téodor: So, what's new on the gourmet black market, Ray?
/ Ray: Oh. Dude. You got to check this out. Close the curtains. / [[Ray shows him a book entitled "THE AL-QAEDA COOK BOOK".]] / Ray: And remember, I didn't show this to you, 'cause you didn't see it. I'm nervous just havin' this thing around.
/ Téodor: Wow! / [[A page is shown with the title "MINUTE CHICKEN" and a drawing of a pecking chicken, under which the text: "You are not told told there are to be visitors ('They never tell you any thing!!'), yet here they come up the path. Do not worry - this delicious dish will have them thinking that you were for many hours anticipating their arrival.]] / [[Cut to the page for "'KISS-ME' CAKE", with a picture of a bird on a branch and the text: "'Better to not share this recipe with your neighbour, for he may claim it as his own.' So is the saying of Mr. M. al-M., the contributor of this recipe!]] / [[Cut to the page for "UNBELIEVABLE CHOCOLATE MOUSSE", which features a picture of a chicken regarding an egg. The visible text reads: "Who does not love a rich, creamy chocolate mousse? Yet who also wants to see his own shadow on the following morning! In our recipe, beaten egg whites replace the fattening cream, and cocoa powder takes the place of some (but not all!) of the chocolate. You"]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02272007 |
| Achewood - February 28, 2002 Band tryouts | [[Caption: BAND TRYOUTS]]
/ [[Holding a bass guitar, Lyle watches as Todd plays a saxaphone. Todd is playing badly.]] / [[Lyle continues to watch Todd play the saxaphone. Todd continues to play badly.]] / Lyle: What do you think this is, Todd? The Pet Shop Boys? Put some spine into it!
/ Todd: I'm tryin' to find my groove here! Shut up and listen already! / [[Todd resumes playing his saxaphone. He plays as poorly as before.]] / [[Todd continues playing as Lyle looks on. His playing shows little to no sign of improvement.]] / Lyle: (throwing his arms up, exasperated) I've heard better music blown through panty hose! NEXT!
/ [[Todd stops playing. He hangs his head in defeat and gives Lyle the finger.]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02282002 |
| Achewood - February 28, 2005 | [[Ray looks at a box marked "LEARN THE BANJO"]]
/ Ray: Oh, good! My new banjo got here! / [[Ray plays the banjo]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02282005 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/?date=02282007">http://achewood.com/?date=02282007 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/?date=02282008">http://achewood.com/?date=02282008 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood § February 28, 2010 | Teodor: Jeez, Philippe. You look like death warmed over. Have you not been sleeping? / Philippe: Can you peek at my newest ideas? I...I'm gonna...I'll be right back. / [[Teodor reads the drawings.]]
/ [[Drawing of two shoes. One is crossed out. Inscription reads: it's the... "2-in-1 shoe!" it's a shoe AND also the other shoe! Save exactly 50%!! "do you smell what I am cooking?"]] / [[Drawing of two Big Macs. The top bun of one has opened on a hinge. Inscription reads: "Big Mac" toilet flush situation indicator. open=I have not flushed the toilet yet (place in hall) closed=I have recently flushed the toilet. (place on lid)]] / Teodor: This...this doesn't even... even by Sharper Image standards...doesn't... / I'll write a few of these for him. Poor little guy is firing on one cylinder. / [[Teodor sits in the dark at the computer.]]
/ Teodor: Okay...think. Common household or lifestyle problem "solved" with low amperage or ethno-mentional unitasker... / [[Caption: TWO HOURS LATER.]]
/ Teodor: "Sands of India Ball Peen Snow Globe Cheese Hammer" no... NO... / [[Caption: FOUR.]] / Teodor: Waltz of the Magyars Birthday Omelette Suggestion Pan! / [[Drawing of such a pan, with inscription around the circumference: BACON AND MUSHROOM - SPINACH DELITE - KEVIN'S FAMOUS NO. 3 - SHORT-TOP (HAM AND GRUYERE PESTO) - EGGY MAC]] / [[Caption: MEANWHILE, ACROSS TOWN.]]
/ [[Ray sits in the dark at the computer]]
/ Ray typing: -PRIVATE BRAINSTORM for RAYMALL 2.0-
/ Gherkins Floatin' in water From MIT
/ Ralph Lauren "Streets of Venice" Accordion Dongle
/ Slide Rule Slide Whistle (possible?)
/ Ray: Sorry massive little man, but this is how the game is played...
/ {{I told myself that after I posted this strip, I'd look up what a Magyar is.}}
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02282010 |
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