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Achewood Winter Break 2005, Day 3 [[Caption: "Dear Reader: Enjoy these odds and ends from around the Achewood production facilities, 2005. We will see you soon. Happy holidays!" This comic features a background photo of foliage with a row of old brown bottles and a small dachshund. In the foreground are several crudely drawn panels of a strip. Ray is walking through some kind of forest, based on what appears to be a tree.]] / Ray: a doo-da doo-da doo-da doo! / <> / [[Ray is only barely drawn, and his head is entirely filled in with white.]] / [[Only the features of Ray's face can be seen, without the outline of his head. He looks dismayed.]] / Ray: Heh! Oh my God! Dog shit! / [[The next two panels are partially covered up by a well-drawn orange Volvo coupe.]] / Ray (not seen): Man, how long has it even been? / I gotta call the guys. / Ray (not seen): Hey Beef, man, You won't believe I just stepped / [[The next panel has words in white over the photo background and are not readable.]] / [[Ray points down.]] / [[We see Ray's foot, encased in a sandal, in the middle of a pile of dog doo.]] / [[Ray points at his eyes.]] / [[Ray holds up a sign that says "JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!"]] / {{alt-text: Chris Onstad is America's premier combiner of things found on his hard drive]] / {link: http://www.achewood.com/index.php?date=08042005}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12282005
a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12282007">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12282007 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
Achewood - December 29, 2003 {{Guest Strip by Jesse Reklaw of Slow Wave}} / [[View from inside a freshly-dug grave, from left to right we see Teodor, Todd, Philippe, Lie Bot, Roast Beef, Pat, Cornelius and Lyle all dressed in funeral attire and looking over the edge into the grave with sombre looks on their faces. Philippe has a tear under his right eye]] / {{Caption}} Ray: I dreamt I had died. Everyone looked all tired and sad like they had just got up for a big fishing trip. / [[Ray is lying in the grave with a checked, short-sleeved shirt on and his hands lying on his chest]] / {{Caption}} Ray: It was time to get buried but I hadn't been dressed for it. / Ray: (Thinking) dang, i don't want nobody pullin' my legs through no pants. / [[Ray stands up in his coffin and starts to climb out of the grave, we see Teodor, Todd, Philippe and Lie Bot looking shocked, Philippe has his hands to his mouth and Lie Bot has his arms outstreched in disbelief. In the background we can see many graves]] / {{Caption}} Ray: So I got up to go dress myself / Ray: Hold up a minute. / Philippe: Shriek! / [[Ray is standing in front of the others, he has now removed the shirt and put on a long, flowing, fur-edged robe and a wide brimmed hat with a feather tucked into the band.]] / {{Caption}} Ray: At first I chose a white shirt and tie but then I realized these were going to be the clothes I wore for the rest of time. / Ray: all right, let's do this. / {{Postscript: from a dream by Ray Smuckles}} / {{Alt text: http://www.slowwave.com}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12292003
Achewood - December 29, 2004 [[Electric razor sits on the counter]] / Philippe: Oh, wow! Just like all the tough guys have! / <> / [[Philippe has shaved everything above his eyes]] / Philippe: Look, Teodor! Pretty cool, huh? Just like Bruce Willis! / Teodor: EEEEEAAUGH! / Philippe: Teodor! Let me help you get up! / Teodor: EEEEEAAUGH! <> / Philippe: Gosh! / Teodor: EEEEEAAUGH! <> / Narration: SOON. / <> / [[Philippe has shaved glasses into his face]] / Philippe: There! Everybody likes Harry Potter! / {{Meanwhile, Teodor scuffles out the back door and across the yard}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12292004
Achewood - December 30, 2002 [[Roast Beef and his brother Showbiz are drinking in a strip club.]] / Roast Beef: So uh what you been up to Showbiz / Roast Beef: We ain't seen you in quite a number of years I guess / Showbiz: Just hella keepin' busy man! / Showbiz: You know what I'm sayin'! / Roast Beef: Is that right / Showbiz: I'm comin' up large on a coupla' deals right now - / Showbiz: Doin' some PR for Ford, stuff like that... / [[Roast Beef has an empty thought bubble.]] / [[Roast Beef imagines Showbiz standing on a sidewalk with headphones holding a sign that says, "BOB CALCAVECCHIO, Ford-Plymouth-Nissan, 0.9% APR, 1 block ahead"]] / [[Roast Beef imagines the same thing from the previoius panel, only the sign is tipped to the right instead of to the left.]] / {{hover text: When we were kids Showbiz sold me}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12302002
Achewood - December 30, 2002 [[Roast Beef and his brother Showbiz are drinking in a strip club.]] / Roast Beef: So uh what you been up to Showbiz / Roast Beef: We ain't seen you in quite a number of years I guess / Showbiz: Just hella keepin' busy man! / Showbiz: You know what I'm sayin'! / Roast Beef: Is that right / Showbiz: I'm comin' up large on a coupla' deals right now - / Showbiz: Doin' some PR for Ford, stuff like that... / [[Roast Beef has an empty thought bubble.]] / [[Roast Beef imagines Showbiz standing on a sidewalk with headphones holding a sign that says, "BOB CALCAVECCHIO, Ford-Plymouth-Nissan, 0.9% APR, 1 block ahead"]] / [[Roast Beef imagines the same thing from the previoius panel, only the sign is tipped to the right instead of to the left.]] / {{hover text: When we were kids Showbiz sold me}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12302002
 
Achewood - December 30, 2003 {{Guest Strip by Jeff Rowland of wigu.com}} / [[Philippe is reading in a chair. Lyle begins to harass him.]] / Lyle: What are you readin' about Phillipe? Some sissy book? A book about sissy stuff? / Sissy. / [[Philippe proudly displays his book, entitled "Go Go Gorillas"]] / Philippe: I'm learning about gorillas, Lyle! Gorillas are nice animals that are like people! / [[Lyle recoils in horror, dropping his whiskey bottle.]] / [[Flashback to "Years ago", a young Lyle and a gorilla walk through the park and play a board game.]] / [[Continued flashback: gorilla sneers at Lyle and winds up to punch him.]] / [[Continued flashback: Lyle is knocked out on the ground while gorilla walks away with his wallet. A tear now rolls down Lyle's face.]] / [[Phillipe stands in Lyle's doorway as Lyle is seen weeping on his mattress with a bottle of liquor.]] / Philippe: Lyle, I am sorry! I had no idea you hated the Gorillas so bad! / Lyle: Let's not talk about this ever again. Don't tell nobody, all right? / [[Philippe is seen speaking with Ray.]] / Philippe: ...and then he said "don't tell nobody," so don't tell nobody, okay Ray? / Ray: Teodor, call the costume shop and see if they- / Teodor: It's already ringing.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12302003
New Year's Eve with Mr. Bear [[Mr. Bear is reading in bed, hears a car horn and Todd drives up in his van]] / Mr. Bear: Well cuss my bones, look who it is! Happy New Year Todd! / Todd: Heya Mr. Bear, how come you ain't at the party? / Mr. Bear: Oh, I prefer to usher the new year in with a good book and my memories. / Todd: That's bogus! You gotta get your slant on! / MB: Todd, are there any nights when you don't get your slant on? / T: Well, sometimes I don't get outta night school til like ten. / MB: You go to night school? That's wonderful! What do you study? / T: I dunno. They got some pretty tight broads though. / <> / MB: You don't even know what class you're in? / T: That's my pager - I got hips to serve!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12312001
Madison [[Showbiz and Roast Beef at the strip club.]] / Showbiz: Hey man, my bank ain't got an ATM on this street! Can you loan me somethin' to tip this girl? / Roast Beef: Sure here you go Showbiz / [[Beef opens his wallet.]] / [[Showbiz waves a bill at the stripper.]] / Showbiz: Hey baby, you lookin' fine tonight! What's your name! / Madison: Madison / Showbiz: Hey Madison! I want you to meet my brother Roast Beef! / Roast Beef: Oh gosh man we ain't got no reason to meet / Madison: Do you want a private dance Roast Beef / Showbiz: Go on, man! She likes you! / [[Beef imagines himself embacing Madison outside a hotel room. He feels her back and is startled.]] / Roast Beef: So uh Madison do you want a family some day / Roast Beef (thinks): oh my god she has got scoliosis / {{ALT TEXT: the sadness is that there is something wrong with everybody}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12312002
Madison [[Showbiz and Roast Beef at the strip club.]] / Showbiz: Hey man, my bank ain't got an ATM on this street! Can you loan me somethin' to tip this girl? / Roast Beef: Sure here you go Showbiz / [[Beef opens his wallet.]] / [[Showbiz waves a bill at the stripper.]] / Showbiz: Hey baby, you lookin' fine tonight! What's your name! / Madison: Madison / Showbiz: Hey Madison! I want you to meet my brother Roast Beef! / Roast Beef: Oh gosh man we ain't got no reason to meet / Madison: Do you want a private dance Roast Beef / Showbiz: Go on, man! She likes you! / [[Beef imagines himself embacing Madison outside a hotel room. He feels her back and is startled.]] / Roast Beef: So uh Madison do you want a family some day / Roast Beef (thinks): oh my god she has got scoliosis / {{ALT TEXT: the sadness is that there is something wrong with everybody}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12312002
Madison [[Showbiz and Roast Beef at the strip club.]] / Showbiz: Hey man, my bank ain't got an ATM on this street! Can you loan me somethin' to tip this girl? / Roast Beef: Sure here you go Showbiz / [[Beef opens his wallet.]] / [[Showbiz waves a bill at the stripper.]] / Showbiz: Hey baby, you lookin' fine tonight! What's your name! / Madison: Madison / Showbiz: Hey Madison! I want you to meet my brother Roast Beef! / Roast Beef: Oh gosh man we ain't got no reason to meet / Madison: Do you want a private dance Roast Beef / Showbiz: Go on, man! She likes you! / [[Beef imagines himself embacing Madison outside a hotel room. He feels her back and is startled.]] / Roast Beef: So uh Madison do you want a family some day / Roast Beef (thinks): oh my god she has got scoliosis / {{ALT TEXT: the sadness is that there is something wrong with everybody}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12312002
Madison [[Showbiz and Roast Beef at the strip club.]] / Showbiz: Hey man, my bank ain't got an ATM on this street! Can you loan me somethin' to tip this girl? / Roast Beef: Sure here you go Showbiz / [[Beef opens his wallet.]] / [[Showbiz waves a bill at the stripper.]] / Showbiz: Hey baby, you lookin' fine tonight! What's your name! / Madison: Madison / Showbiz: Hey Madison! I want you to meet my brother Roast Beef! / Roast Beef: Oh gosh man we ain't got no reason to meet / Madison: Do you want a private dance Roast Beef / Showbiz: Go on, man! She likes you! / [[Beef imagines himself embacing Madison outside a hotel room. He feels her back and is startled.]] / Roast Beef: So uh Madison do you want a family some day / Roast Beef (thinks): oh my god she has got scoliosis / {{ALT TEXT: the sadness is that there is something wrong with everybody}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12312002
Madison [[Showbiz and Roast Beef at the strip club.]] / Showbiz: Hey man, my bank ain't got an ATM on this street! Can you loan me somethin' to tip this girl? / Roast Beef: Sure here you go Showbiz / [[Beef opens his wallet.]] / [[Showbiz waves a bill at the stripper.]] / Showbiz: Hey baby, you lookin' fine tonight! What's your name! / Madison: Madison / Showbiz: Hey Madison! I want you to meet my brother Roast Beef! / Roast Beef: Oh gosh man we ain't got no reason to meet / Madison: Do you want a private dance Roast Beef / Showbiz: Go on, man! She likes you! / [[Beef imagines himself embacing Madison outside a hotel room. He feels her back and is startled.]] / Roast Beef: So uh Madison do you want a family some day / Roast Beef (thinks): oh my god she has got scoliosis / {{ALT TEXT: the sadness is that there is something wrong with everybody}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12312002
Achewood - December 31, 2003 Guest Strip by K. Thor Jensen. / Ten Years Later / [[Dialogue is coming from behind a Circle K]] / Little Nephew: Fuckin' Pass it! / [[A much older Little Nephew and Philippe are shown drinking from a flask]] / Little Nephew: God, you fuckin' fat hog, let me get a hit. / Philippe: Chill Nef! I'm done. / Sex Funeral / Little Nephew: Faggot, you killed it! / [[He thows the flask at Philippe]] / Philippe: Fuck! / Philippe: Let's just go to the Circle K and grab a new one. Five finger style. / Little Nephew: You mean steal one? / Philippe: Yeah! / [[Philippe and Little Nephew walk into the Circle K]] / <> / [[Philippe whistles a tune]] / [[Little Nephew walks up to the counter]] / Little Nephew: So, uh, my good sir... Could I ask from you a description of your jerkies? / Store Clerk: Hey! You there! / [[Philippe is shown in a mirror attempting to stuff a new bottle down his pants]] / Philippe: Shit! Run! / [[Little Nephew uppercut punches the store clerk]] / Little Nephew: Fuck you! / <> / [[The clerk falls back into the icee machine. His glasses are askew and icee spills out onto his head. He appears dead or unconcious. / Little Nephew: Oh God! / Philippe: Run! / [[Little Nephew and Philippe walk (or run) down the street. / [[They see a sign and a broken barbed wire fence]] / Danger, Abandonded Quarry, No Tresspassing / [[Little Nephew and Philippe are shown at the bottom of a slope]] / Little Nephew/Philippe: Huuh Huuh Huuh / Philippe: You killed him, Little Nephew. You killed that guy, You could go to the Electric Chair! / Little Nephew: You're just as guilty, Philippe! You're an accessory! You'll go to jail too! / Philippe: I- I could turn state's evidence. There's video! If I tell the cops now, I... / [[Little Nephew picks up a large rock behind Philippe]] / Philippe: GASP! What are you doing with that rock? Are you going to murder me, murderer? / Little Nephew: I- I don't want to Philippe! But if you rat me out, I wilL! / [[Philippe also picks up a rock]] / Philippe: Two can play at that game. / [[Little Nephew and Philippe both hold their rocks over their heads]] / [[Zoomed out shot of the quarry]] / <> / [[The Onstad house at night]] / Philippe: Noooo! / [[Teodor comes in to check on Philippe who is in bed]] / Teodor: Philippe? I heard a noise. / Philippe: Teodor: Little Nephew and me were bad and old and we stole and cussed and I hit him witha big rock! / And you Had a big party! / And I stood on the drum machine manual! / And Roast Beef went to the moon! / And... And... / Teodor: Oh, Philippe! You just had a crazy dream! / Philippe: A dream? / Teodor: Yes! All of that stuff was just in your head! Your subconscioius shooting off random thoughts that you saw as reality! / As a matter of fact, anything that happens to your from this day might just be a dream as well! / [[Teodor is exiting the room]] / Teodor: Well, Goodnight. / [[Phillippe sits awake in the dark. A guitar and a Billy Idol poster can be seen in the background.]]
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12312003
Trashspotting [[Molly is in bed; Roast Beef has arisen early and put on a sweater.]] / Molly: Beef? It's six AM...what are you doing up? / Beef: It's recycling day / [[Beef is outside and has met with Spongebath, in an electric chair, and Emeril, carrying a bucket of turkey drumsticks.]] / Emeril: Good morning Roast Beef your turkey drumstick is still hot / Beef: Oh hell and damn yes give me that thing / [[The trio walks and rolls.]] / Beef: Dang did you guys read the DepSan website this morning about all the-- / Emeril: It is said that they are to add Hillbread and Oxford Avenues to this route yes / [[The trio stops to look at a box of refuse.]] / Emeril: 8257 Drake has gone from Sunny-Valu black olives to Draeger's Gourmet nicoise / Beef: The daughter is home from a quarter in Paris / Also observe the Gauloises butts in the gutter / Emeril: Lipstick on the butts does corroborate the gender assessment / Excellent / [[Roast Beef bows humbly while the other two cats clap politely.]] / {{alt-text: Happy New Year}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12312004
 
a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12312009">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12312009 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]

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