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| Achewood - December 21, 2004 | [[Cornelius is in bed, transcribing pornography]]
/ Cornelius: The mechanic, who was curiously outfitted with only a hammer, took a cursory glance at the vehicle before focusing on the woman's--
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12212004 |
| Téodor's Naked Packaging | [[Téodor is running back to his room. He is naked. Onstad spots him.]]
/ Onstad: Téodor! / [[Téodor continues to run to his room]]
/ Onstad: TÉODOR! / [[Téodor turns and faces Onstad]]
/ Onstad: Come out to the studio and help me pack! / [[Téodor becomes annoyed]]
/ Téodor: It's five o'clock in the morning! / Onstad: So what? You're up! Let's pack. We have a ton of orders to get out today. / [[Téodor turns his head toward his bedroom.]]
/ Téodor: Jesus Christ...alright, let me get some track pants on or something... / Onstad: NO! Let's GO! You can pack like that.
/ [[Téodor is obviously surprised by Onstad's refusal]] / [[Téodor gets angry about the situation]]
/ Téodor: I'm buck naked, if you hadn't noticed! / Onstad: Like I give a damn! You're a bear. No one cares if a bear is naked. / Téodor: It's...unhygienic! You could get closed down! / Onstad: I'll make you some clothes out of garbage. Come on, let's go already! / Téodor: It'll take you longer to make me clothes that it would for me to get dressed! / Onstad: You have no idea. Let's go. Don't make me pick you up. / [[SOON. In Onstad's studio, Téodor wears a paper cup attached to a rubber band as a hat. There are boxes in the background.]]
/ Onstad: Wear that cup where you're supposed to. You're hung like a cranberry, and it bugs me.
/ Téodor: This is my little way of telling you that it's six degrees in here. / {alt. text: I'm annpyed with small-hung guys. Why do they try to bring everyone down?} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12212005 |
| Téodor's Naked Packaging | [[Téodor is running back to his room. He is naked. Onstad spots him.]]
/ Onstad: Téodor! / [[Téodor continues to run to his room]]
/ Onstad: TÉODOR! / [[Téodor turns and faces Onstad]]
/ Onstad: Come out to the studio and help me pack! / [[Téodor becomes annoyed]]
/ Téodor: It's five o'clock in the morning! / Onstad: So what? You're up! Let's pack. We have a ton of orders to get out today. / [[Téodor turns his head toward his bedroom.]]
/ Téodor: Jesus Christ...alright, let me get some track pants on or something... / Onstad: NO! Let's GO! You can pack like that.
/ [[Téodor is obviously surprised by Onstad's refusal]] / [[Téodor gets angry about the situation]]
/ Téodor: I'm buck naked, if you hadn't noticed! / Onstad: Like I give a damn! You're a bear. No one cares if a bear is naked. / Téodor: It's...unhygienic! You could get closed down! / Onstad: I'll make you some clothes out of garbage. Come on, let's go already! / Téodor: It'll take you longer to make me clothes that it would for me to get dressed! / Onstad: You have no idea. Let's go. Don't make me pick you up. / [[SOON. In Onstad's studio, Téodor wears a paper cup attached to a rubber band as a hat. There are boxes in the background.]]
/ Onstad: Wear that cup where you're supposed to. You're hung like a cranberry, and it bugs me.
/ Téodor: This is my little way of telling you that it's six degrees in here. / {alt. text: I'm annoyed with small-hung guys. Why do they try to bring everyone down?} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12212005 |
| Achewood - December 21, 2006 | [[The door of Prime Time Records.]]
/ Ray: uyuygugiiuy / [[Ray and Lyle are sitting at their respective sides of the desk in Ray's office.]]
/ Ray: Then the recording age came, and nobody wanted to buy a record of a notary reading a laundry list of unusual woes. / Lyle: So Rustmouth got back his rightful seat at the top of the blues pile? / [[A flashback picture of Rustmouth, holding a guitar.]]
/ Ray: Yeah, but from then on he knew he wasn't the bluest cat around. He kept performing, but in his heart he knew he didn't have it the hardest. / [[Prime Time Records office.]]
/ Ray: Rustmouth died peacefully, aged 106, wealthy and well-respected, surrounded by family and friends. The police even named a street after him. Silent Bird died young. Hungry and half-crazed with lice, he put himself under a train one night. They buried him in two caskets. / Lyle: Wow. Bird out-bluesed him every step of the way.
/ Ray: Who's more legit? The cursed man, or the man who's cursed by the cursed man? Two souls chasin' each other down the same drain, dude. Anyhow, let's talk royalty structures. / {{Image Title: Due to his bad luck, Rustmouth died wealthy and well-regarded.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12212006 |
| Achewood - December 21, 2006 | [[The door of Prime Time Records.]]
/ Ray: Eventually, though, Bird's luck ran out. Aloisius and the interpreter realized they didn't need him, and started their own gig. / [[Ray and Lyle are sitting at their respective sides of the desk in Ray's office.]]
/ Ray: Then the recording age came, and nobody wanted to buy a record of a notary reading a laundry list of unusual woes. / Lyle: So Rustmouth got back his rightful seat at the top of the blues pile? / [[A flashback picture of Rustmouth, holding a guitar.]]
/ Ray: Yeah, but from then on he knew he wasn't the bluest cat around. He kept performing, but in his heart he knew he didn't have it the hardest. / [[Prime Time Records office.]]
/ Ray: Rustmouth died peacefully, aged 106, wealthy and well-respected, surrounded by family and friends. The police even named a street after him. Silent Bird died young. Hungry and half-crazed with lice, he put himself under a train one night. They buried him in two caskets. / Lyle: Wow. Bird out-bluesed him every step of the way.
/ Ray: Who's more legit? The cursed man, or the man who's cursed by the cursed man? Two souls chasin' each other down the same drain, dude. Anyhow, let's talk royalty structures. / {{Image Title: Due to his bad luck, Rustmouth died wealthy and well-regarded.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12212006 |
| Achewood - December 21, 2006 | [[The door of Prime Time Records.]]
/ Ray: Eventually, though, Bird's luck ran out. Aloisius and the interpreter realized they didn't need him, and started their own gig. / [[Ray and Lyle are sitting at their respective sides of the desk in Ray's office.]]
/ Ray: Then the recording age came, and nobody wanted to buy a record of a notary reading a laundry list of unusual woes. / Lyle: So Rustmouth got back his rightful seat at the top of the blues pile? / [[A flashback picture of Rustmouth, holding a guitar.]]
/ Ray: Yeah, but from then on he knew he wasn't the bluest cat around. He kept performing, but in his heart he knew he didn't have it the hardest. / [[Prime Time Records office.]]
/ Ray: Rustmouth died peacefully, aged 106, wealthy and well-respected, surrounded by family and friends. The police even named a street after him. Silent Bird died young. Hungry and half-crazed with lice, he put himself under a train one night. They buried him in two caskets. / Lyle: Wow. Bird out-bluesed him every step of the way.
/ Ray: Who's more legit? The cursed man, or the man who's cursed by the cursed man? Two souls chasin' each other down the same drain, dude. Anyhow, let's talk royalty structures. / {{Image Title: Due to his bad luck, Rustmouth died wealthy and well-regarded.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12212006 |
| Achewood - December 21, 2006 | [[The door of Prime Time Records.]]
/ Ray: Eventually, though, Bird's luck ran out. Aloisius and the interpreter realized they didn't need him, and started their own gig. / [[Ray and Lyle are sitting at their respective sides of the desk in Ray's office.]]
/ Ray: Then the recording age came, and nobody wanted to buy a record of a notary reading a laundry list of unusual woes. / Lyle: So Rustmouth got back his rightful seat at the top of the blues pile? / [[A flashback picture of Rustmouth, holding a guitar.]]
/ Ray: Yeah, but from then on he knew he wasn't the bluest cat around. He kept performing, but in his heart he knew he didn't have it the hardest. / [[Prime Time Records office.]]
/ Ray: Rustmouth died peacefully, aged 106, wealthy and well-respected, surrounded by family and friends. The police even named a street after him. Silent Bird died young. Hungry and half-crazed with lice, he put himself under a train one night. They buried him in two caskets. / Lyle: Wow. Bird out-bluesed him every step of the way.
/ Ray: Who's more legit? The cursed man, or the man who's cursed by the cursed man? Two souls chasin' each other down the same drain, dude. Anyhow, let's talk royalty structures. / {{Image Title: Due to his bad luck, Rustmouth died wealthy and well-regarded.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12212006 |
| Achewood - December 21, 2006 | [[The door of Prime Time Records. "Ray Smuckles: President" ]]
/ Ray: Eventually, though, Bird's luck ran out. Aloisius and the interpreter realized they didn't need him, and started their own gig. / [[Ray and Lyle are sitting at their respective sides of the desk in Ray's office.]]
/ Ray: Then the recording age came, and nobody wanted to buy a record of a notary reading a laundry list of unusual woes. / Lyle: So Rustmouth got back his rightful seat at the top of the blues pile? / [[A flashback picture of Rustmouth, holding a guitar.]]
/ Ray: Yeah, but from then on he knew he wasn't the bluest cat around. He kept performing, but in his heart he knew he didn't have it the hardest. / [[Prime Time Records office.]]
/ Ray: Rustmouth died peacefully, aged 106, wealthy and well-respected, surrounded by family and friends. The police even named a street after him. Silent Bird died young. Hungry and half-crazed with lice, he put himself under a train one night. They buried him in two caskets. / Lyle: Wow. Bird out-bluesed him every step of the way.
/ Ray: Who's more legit? The cursed man, or the man who's cursed by the cursed man? Two souls chasin' each other down the same drain, dude. Anyhow, let's talk royalty structures. / {{Image Title: Due to his bad luck, Rustmouth died wealthy and well-regarded.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12212006 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12212007">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12212007 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood § December 21, 2009 | Prosciuttolax® (Helpanferin DX) / [[Ray is kneeling, looking at a tulip.]]
/ Ray: I wasn't born with the gene that says, "Stop eatin' prosciutto." / [[Roast Beef is standing, watching Ray, wearing a polo shirt.]]
/ Roast Beef: I was. / [[He holds out a steering wheel.]]
/ Roast Beef: Cars are easy for me. I can drive them. / [[Ray reaches out to the tulip.]]
/ Ray: I can't drive cars. Or at least, I wouldn't let myself. Not until I discovered Prosciuttolax. Now I drive cars every day, usually about six times. / {{Title text: For the new year, I'm exercising the long-atrophied brevity muscle.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12212009 |
| Achewood - December 22, 2003 | {{Todd Todd Todd Todd Todd T. Squirrel}} / [[Roast Beef sits at a diner table in Hell holding the menu.]]
/ Beef: Oh damn my gravy. No way / [[At another table, looking through the menu, is Todd]]
/ Beef: Todd?! / Beef: Todd is that you? Todd Todd Todd Todd Todd T. Squirrel? / Todd: Oh hey Beef! Whatcha d-d-doin' down in Hades?
/ Beef: I was gonna ask you the same thing dude / Todd: Eh, I got peeled out on by some teenagers.
/ Beef: Your body got peeled out on by a car? / Todd: You shoulda' seen it! My guts were sprayin' out like Silly String!
/ Beef: Dogg that is horrible to hear / Todd: Aww, shit happens. I'll be back on the surface in n-n-no time.
/ Beef: How's that? / Todd: Heh! Sounds like you don't know about the secret hidden page in this menu yet! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12222003 |
| Achewood - December 22, 2003 | Roast Beef: Oh damn my gravy
/ Roast Beef: No way / Roast Beef: Todd ?! / Roast Beef: Todd is that you ?
/ Roast Beef: Todd Todd Todd Todd Todd T. Squirrel ? / Todd: Oh hey Beef! Whatcha d-d-doin' down in Hades?
/ Roast Beef: I was gonna ask you the same thing dude / Todd: Eh, I got peeled out on by some teenagers.
/ Roast Beef: Your body got peeled out on by a car ? / Todd: You shoulda' seen it! My guts were sprayin' out like Silly String!
/ Roast Beef: Dogg that is horrible to hear / Todd: Aww, shit happens. I'll be back on the surface in n-n-no time.
/ Roast Beef: How's that? / Todd: Heh! Sounds like you don't know about the secret hidden page in this menu yet! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12222003 |
| Achewood - December 22, 2004 | Mr. Bear: What has gotten into you two? Why the false manes?
/ Ray: We were hell of sad we had no manes, dogg! Our ancestors did!
/ Roast Beef: Are you getting an idea for your next children's book from this Cornelius
/ Mr. Bear: Well, a parable of cats who want to be tigers again has enormous...are you mocking me, Roast Beef?
/ Roast Beef: If I wanted to mock you I would be spinning off sonnets about wrestling Judi Dench out of her three pound underwear / OH I AM YOUR MOM AND I JUST TOOK YOU TO SCHOOL IN THE CAR OF PAIN / SAY IT http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12222004 |
| Judi Dench's Three Pound Underwear | Mr. Bear: What has gotten into you two? Why the false manes?
/ Ray: We were hell of sad we had no manes, dogg! Our ancestors did!
/ Roast Beef: Are you getting an idea for your next children's book from this Cornelius
/ Mr. Bear: Well, a parable of cats who want to be tigers again has enormous...are you mocking me, Roast Beef?
/ Roast Beef: If I wanted to mock you I would be spinning off sonnets about wrestling Judi Dench out of her three pound underwear / OH I AM YOUR MOM AND I JUST TOOK YOU TO SCHOOL IN THE CAR OF PAIN / SAY IT http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12222004 |
| Achewood - December 22, 2006 | [[Nice Pete is holding a microphone]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12222006 |
| Achewood - December 22, 2006 | [[Nice Pete is holding a microphone]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12222006 |
| Achewood - December 22, 2006 | [[Nice Pete is holding a microphone]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12222006 |
| Achewood - December 22, 2006 | [[Nice Pete is facing front, holding a microphone near his mouth as though he is rehearsing.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12222006 |
| Achewood - December 22, 2006 | [[Nice Pete is holding a microphone]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12222006 |
| Achewood § December 22, 2008 | [[White on black "1984" sets the date]] / [[Young Ray and Beef with appropriate aviator glasses and 80s hair]]
/ Ray: Dude! Waldenbooks keeps their extra Playboys in a little cabinet right by the entrance! You just slide open the door and walk out with one rolled up in your hand! / Beef: Oh wow uh that is juvie for sure man that is stealin' in the main
/ Ray: If you get caught with no receipt, and you ain't in the shop, there's nothing they can do!
/ Ray (excitedly): Proof ex facto! / [[At the mall, standing in front of a cabinet in Waldenbooks. Beef's rifling through the cabinet while Ray is on lookout]]
/ Ray: Hurry dude! The guy's gonna look over here! / Beef (struggling): Oh Jesus Ray they all still in shrink wrap bundles man plus there's no light in here I mean why couldn't you do this part / [[Ray drops his cover-book from the 25-cent stack and Beef looks up]]
/ Ray: Crap, dude! He's comin'! Run! Just grab one and RUN! / [[Ray high-tails it out of the store, leaving Beef still struggling with the cabinet]] / [[The manager arrives with a clipboard]]
/ Manager: HEY! What do you think you're doing? I'm gonna call security! / [[Beef stands up shakily, clutching a magazine from the cabinet to his chest]] / Manager: Give me that.
/ Manager (sternly): Now. / [[Beef looks down at his ill-gotten gain]] / [[Beef picked...]]
/ Playgirl: This month, Ben
/ Playgirl: Ten things to do
/ Playgirl: Hot aruba nights! / Manager: Let's just see what we have here!
/ [[Beef sobs quietly]] / [[As the manager looks at the cover, his face softens]] / [[His eyes crinkle up, as if remembering ... something from his past]] / Manager: Look. I know where you're at. Just don't do this, not like this. You'll get a record, and you don't want that.
/ Manager: If you want to explore, and I'm not saying anything, just rememer that you're not alone, and that there is safety. / Beef: Okay sir uh yes sir
/ Manager: You're wonderful, and you're alive, and you deserve every little bit of happiness that the universe has to offer anyone, no matter who or what you like. Never forget that.
/ Manager: Now, I'm sorry, but I have to ask you to leave the store. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12222008 |
| Achewood § December 22, 2009 | {{Title: OUT-OF-CHARACTER KOMIX!}}
/ Todd: Dickens was well-keen on the device of the aptronym, such a crude tool still having literary value in that unsubtle t-t-time. / Todd: W-Witness Miss Havisham, a hyperbolic, once-betrayed malevolent spinster whose unilateral purpose is to further the agenda that "to have [love] [or anything at all] is a-a-a sham." / Angel: VERILY YOU SQUANDER NOT A WISP OF BREATH NOR SOIL THE BOSOM OF REASON DEAR TODD / {{Alt-text: For the new year, I'm exercising the long-atrophied brevity muscle.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12222009 |
| Achewood - December 23, 2002 | [[Single panel, white text on black.]]
/ [[in the upper left hand corner]]
/ JOE STRUMMER
/ 1952-2002
/ [[Text dead center]]
/ Hands full of milk money and bike locks, in garages full of dad's tools and scraps, I home-made my first skateboard to thirdhand dubs of Ghetto Defendant and Death Is A Star
/ [[Teodor swings a guitar at the bottom right corner]] / {{Alt text: funk atom tan}}
/ {{Archive title: JOE STRUMMER HAS DIED}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12232002 |
| Achewood - December 23, 2003 | [[Exterior scene of Friendly's restaurant, with $5.99 Burger Basket banner on front]]
/ Roast Beef: Shucks Todd. I ain't seeing no hidden page in this menu. / [[Interior scene, profile of Todd in booth.]]
/ Todd: Just relax y-y-your eyes. Let 'em go outta focus. / [[Roast Beef looking at menu.]] / [[Roast Beef looking sleepy while looking at menu.]] / [[Roast Beef with eyes gone all squiggly while looking at menu.]] / [[Close-up of menu page with pictures of food items starting to float around.]] / [[Close-up of menu page with pictures of food items all jumbled up.]] / [[Close-up of text of hidden menu page revealed:]]
/ Welcome to Friendly's!
/ As you know, our Earth-side restaurants are "Hellmouths," or portals to Hell. But here in Hell, they go the other way! All you have to do is enter any Friendly's restroom stall, look directly into the center of the bowl and answer the following riddle:
/ "Have you ever stuck your finger up you own b..." / {{Title or meta-text: Not quite the Sphinx but it will have to do.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12232003 |
| Achewood - December 23, 2004 | {{alt text: Chickenhead Mary, Be Not Proud}}
/ [[at Mr. Bear's window]]
/ Mr. Bear: Ah, I see how it is. You two are out hell-raising. Well, consider this my port's kibosh. I'm rather busy.
/ Ray: Come on, Cornelius! Get Primal and let's go pick up some ass at The Smoke! How long's it been since you rattled that old saber? / Betcha can't! Betcha can't! / [[Outside The Smoke]]
/ LATER THAT NIGHT. / [[Inside The Smoke, at the bar]]
/ Ray: Damn, Cornelius! You get shot down by any more women and we're gonna have to make a drinkin' game outta this!
/ Mr. Bear: < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12232004 |
| Pat's eco-telligent best-stitutes | [[Ray and Pat]]
/ [[Pat has a grocery bag]]
/ Pat: Ray! I heard you were on a restricted diet! Good for you. I've brought over some of my favorite eco-telligent best-stitutes for you to try. / [[Pat starts to get something out of the bag]]
/ Ray: Huh? Man, I ain't want any -
/ Pat: Annie's Almond Animal marzipan Kod Kubes... Pinhole of Glory Macro-biotic Microbagels... / [[Pat pulls something else out of the bag]]
/ Pat: ...Bitter Barry's "Ape Grapes," gum, "Mr. Kruschev Don't Push That Button Mushroom" dried criminis... / [[Pat pulls some more stuff out of the bag]]
/ Pat: ...Vital Chemistry orange-flavored "Colon Loofah", Dredger Dan's Spirulina-kopita... / [[Pat pulls out some tape-like stuff]]
/ Pat: Ooh, and this just hit the market: Noam "Chompsky" radicchio tape! Forget what you know about craveless nori! / [[Pat and Ray]]
/ Ray: I don't know, man. You sure this food ain't got armpit hair and a '91 Jetta? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12232005 |
| Pat's eco-telligent best-stitutes | [[Ray and Pat]]
/ [[Pat has a grocery bag]]
/ Pat: Ray! I heard you were on a restricted diet! Good for you. I've brought over some of my favorite eco-telligent best-stitutes for you to try. / [[Pat starts to get something out of the bag]]
/ Ray: Huh? Man, I ain't want any -
/ Pat: Annie's Almond Animal marzipan Kod Kubes... Pinhole of Glory Macro-biotic Microbagels... / [[Pat pulls something else out of the bag]]
/ Pat: ...Bitter Barry's "Ape Grapes," gum, "Mr. Kruschev Don't Push That Button Mushroom" dried criminis... / [[Pat pulls some more stuff out of the bag]]
/ Pat: ...Vital Chemistry orange-flavored "Colon Loofah", Dredger Dan's Spirulina-kopita... / [[Pat pulls out some tape-like stuff]]
/ Pat: Ooh, and this just hit the market: Noam "Chompsky" radicchio tape! Forget what you know about craveless nori! / [[Pat and Ray]]
/ Ray: I don't know, man. You sure this food ain't got armpit hair and a '91 Jetta? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12232005 |
| Pat's eco-telligent best-stitutes | [[Ray and Pat]]
/ [[Pat has a grocery bag]]
/ Pat: Ray! I heard you were on a restricted diet! Good for you. I've brought over some of my favorite eco-telligent best-stitutes for you to try. / [[Pat starts to get something out of the bag]]
/ Ray: Huh? Man, I ain't want any -
/ Pat: Annie's Almond Animal marzipan Kod Kubes... Pinhole of Glory Macro-biotic Microbagels... / [[Pat pulls something else out of the bag]]
/ Pat: ...Bitter Barry's "Ape Grapes," gum, "Mr. Kruschev Don't Push That Button Mushroom" dried criminis... / [[Pat pulls some more stuff out of the bag]]
/ Pat: ...Vital Chemistry orange-flavored "Colon Loofah", Dredger Dan's Spirulina-kopita... / [[Pat pulls out some tape-like stuff]]
/ Pat: Ooh, and this just hit the market: Noam "Chompsky" radicchio tape! Forget what you know about craveless nori! / [[Pat and Ray]]
/ Ray: I don't know, man. You sure this food ain't got armpit hair and a '91 Jetta? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12232005 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12232009">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12232009 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| The Afterlife | Todd: So what's the afterlife like, Blister? / Blister: IT IS PRETTY AWESOME TODD / Blister: THERE ARE NO RULES AND YOU JUST GET TO GO CRAZY / Todd: Wow! Sweet reward, here I come! / Blister: YOU CANNOT KILL YOURSELF THOUGH / Blister: YOU HAVE TO DIE FOR REAL / Todd: What a drag! I gotta wait? / << http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12242001 |
| The Afterlife | Todd: So what's the afterlife like, Blister?
/ Blister: IT IS PRETTY AWESOME TODD / Blister: THERE ARE NO RULES AND YOU JUST GET TO GO CRAZY / Todd: Wow! Sweet reward, here I come!
/ Blister: YOU CANNOT KILL YOURSELF THOUGH
/ Blister: YOU HAVE TO DIE FOR REAL / Todd: What a drag! I gotta wait?
/ << http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12242001 |
| The Afterlife | Todd: So what's the afterlife like, Blister?
/ Blister: IT IS PRETTY AWESOME TODD / Blister: THERE ARE NO RULES AND YOU JUST GET TO GO CRAZY / Todd: Wow! Sweet reward, here I come!
/ Blister: YOU CANNOT KILL YOURSELF THOUGH
/ Blister: YOU HAVE TO DIE FOR REAL / Todd: What a drag! I gotta wait?
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12242001 |
| The Afterlife | Todd: So what's the afterlife like, Blister?
/ Blister: IT IS PRETTY AWESOME TODD / Blister: THERE ARE NO RULES AND YOU JUST GET TO GO CRAZY / Todd: Wow! Sweet reward, here I come!
/ Blister: YOU CANNOT KILL YOURSELF THOUGH
/ Blister: YOU HAVE TO DIE FOR REAL / Todd: What a drag! I gotta wait?
/ Blister: HOLD ON A SECOND
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12242001 |
| Christmas Eve with Ray | [[Ray is sitting in a bathroom stall behind the closed door. Ray's feet can be seen under the stall door, his thong round his ankles.]]
/ Ray: Holy dang! It's Christmas Eve! I completely forgot! / [[Inside the stall. Intoxicated and holding a glass, Ray looks at a vending machine.]]
/ Ray: I should get Roast Beef a present! Lessee here... / [[Behind the closed door again.]]
/ Ray: We got us some finger ticklers, a jimmy hat, a coin you flip that says sex-related stuff on both sides... / [[The closed door. Ray is silent]] / [[Inside the stall]]
/ Ray (thinks): Man I known that dude all my life
/ Ray (thinks): I can't get him no rubber for Christmas / [[The closed door. Ray's legs are leaning over more than before.]] / [[Inside the stall. Ray is asleep with his face smooshed in the stall wall.]]
/ Ray: zzzzzz / {{Alt text: GOD BLESS THE WORLD}}
/ {{Archive title: Christmas Eve with Ray}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12242002 |
| Christmas Eve with Ray | [[Ray is sitting in a bathroom stall behind the closed door. Ray's feet can be seen under the stall door, his thong round his ankles.]]
/ Ray: Holy dang! It's Christmas Eve! I completely forgot! / [[Inside the stall. Intoxicated and holding a glass, Ray looks at a vending machine.]]
/ Ray: I should get Roast Beef a present! Lessee here... / [[Behind the closed door again.]]
/ Ray: We got us some finger ticklers, a jimmy hat, a coin you flip that says sex-related stuff on both sides... / [[The closed door. Ray is silent]] / [[Inside the stall]]
/ Ray (thinks): Man I known that dude all my life
/ Ray (thinks): I can't get him no rubber for Christmas / [[The closed door. Ray's legs are leaning over more than before.]] / [[Inside the stall. Ray is asleep with his face smooshed in the stall wall.]]
/ Ray: zzzzzz / {{Alt text: GOD BLESS THE WORLD}}
/ {{Archive title: Christmas Eve with Ray}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12242002 |
| Achewood - December 24, 2003 | [[Roast Beef, reading the Friendly's menu]]
/ Roast Beef: Man that ain't no riddle
/ Roast Beef: Just an extremely rude personal question / Todd: What? What are you talkin' about? / [[Roast Beef looking puzzled]] / Roast Beef: Todd when you see the riddle is it kind of a nasty type thing about private circumstances / Todd: Not unless you think "if you're running a race, and you pass the guy in second place, what place are you in" is n-n-nasty! / Caption: MEANWHILE.
/ [[Ray sitting on the toilet]]
/ Ray: Holy dang! It's Christmas Eve! I completely forgot! / [[Ray falling asleep]]
/ Ray: I gotta think of... for Roast Beef... I gotta... just for once... / Ray: ZZZZZZ / {{title text: The riddle is different for everyone.}}
/ {{archive title: Christmas Eve with Ray redux}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12242003 |
| Achewood - December 24, 2004 | [[The single panel depicts page 1 of 18 of a (guitar?) tab, and a ``scholar's note'' for the music, over a background image of a flowering vine growing outside a window.]]
/ Tab heading: Sheet music for ``Sullivan's Bear and Dried Bird' ca. 1901''
/ Playing notes: Standard Tuning, p=pull off, h=hammer on, Intro: Andante, Legato.
/ Verse 1 [begins]: I strayed on down an alley-way, the name I did not know -- the window dressing caught my ...
/ Verse 2 [begins]: The soldiers numbered twenty-four, the mallard plainly saw. The bear, he had no time for ...
/ Verse 3 [begins]: ``They're mocking me and dancing, when I'm not around. That much I am sure of, as sure as ...''
/ Scholar's note.: The subject of this song is a child who stands for hours every day in front of a mysterious shop (``Sullivan's'') which never openss. Through the bars on the windows he can see dusty shelves and glass cabinets filled with a variety of dimly lit curios. Among them he enumerates sets of asian jars, baby animals in ether, intricately detailed models of wooden sailing ships, obscure cookware, stringed instruments, tin soldiers, sagging leatherbound volumes, and great containers of multicolred candies. However, the objects which hold the most fascination for him are a life-size stuffed bear and mallar.
/ The child stares at them incessantly, sure that if his attention is directed toward them long enough they will come to show signs of life. Season after season, year after year, in full summer sun and driving snow, the boy steals away from his chores to come look in the window. He stands motionless, intent, looking into the dim glow of the locked shop on the ever-deserted alleyway, peering unceasingly into the eyes of the bear and bird. Never moving, never changing, they perpetually stare into the distance. Eventually the child goes insane.
/ ``Sullivan's Bear and Dried Bird'' stands alone in its vivid depiction of the effects a prolonged exposure to achewater can have on the central nervous system. While the identity of the author remains a subject of some contention, lines like ``staring past the orange brocade/the brain in lively marinade'' and ``still water fooled the lonely duck/the beak sucked in the devil's muck'' hint that the slave liquor had made its way into a more literate circle of society and may well have been penned by an aristocratic addict.
/ -- Joel Steinmetz
/ Boston, MA 1975
/ {{Tooltip: Merry Christmas, a page from the aborted Volume I project}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12242004 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12242007">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12242007 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood § December 24, 2008 | [[white title on black background]]Christmas Eve - 1981
/ [[exterior of the "Big-Save Laundromat," sign on door says "closing midnight"]]
/ [[young Roast Beef sits on a hard chair holding his knees, thinking to himself]]
/ Roast Beef: Mom was faster by thirty seconds this time
/ Roast Beef: Dryer One is only half a minute behind Dryer Two
/ [[young Roast Beef looks up]]
/ [[There is a flyer on the wall
/ "Do What You Love
/ Make Money
/ MARY KAY.
/ Kathy Yashimoto
/ Local Representative
/ 820-3951"
/ There are phone number tags along the bottom, two and a half of them are torn off.]]
/ Roast Beef: I wonder if she's getting me a Happy Meal
/ Roast Beef: That would be so awesome
/ [[He is interrupted]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12242008 |
| Achewood - December 25, 2001 | [[The corner of a building, against a night sky. The gutter is leaking. An outline of Téodor is drawn in the lower-left corner.]] / {{Alt-text: snif}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12252001 |
| Achewood - December 25, 2003 - Philippe on Christmas | {{Guest strip by John Allison of Scarygoround}}
/ [[Philippe amid fir trees and snow.]]
/ Philippe (narrating): Christmas is an exciting time for me, Philippe. I like to imagine the presents that Santa Claus will bring me. / [[Philippe in front of a fireplace. A stocking marked "P" is hanging from the mantel.]]
/ Philippe (narrating): I put out a vodka Martini for him, and some nachos! I like to think he will like these things. / [[Philippe asleep in bed.]]< http://achewood.com/?date=12252003 |
| Achewood - December 25, 2003 | Guest Strip by John Allison of Scarygoround. / Philippe on Christmas
/ Philippe: Christmas is an exciting time for me, Philippe. I like to imagine the presents that Santa Claus will bring me. / Philippe: I put out a vodka Martini for him, and some nachos! I like to think he will like these things. / Philippe: I am not sure why Santa Claus is so kind.
/ Philippe: Perhaps he is trying to atone for crimes he did earlier in life.
/ Philippe: Like snapping off a Q-tip in a school friend's ear. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12252003 |
| Sex Funeral | Lyle: Welcome to Reality! Welcome to the Hard Life! Welcome to the Blues!
/ Squirrel (todd?): Yeah!
/ squirrel 2 (todd?): Yeah! / Lyle: Welcome to... SEX FUNERAL!
/ Squirrel (todd?): Right on!
/ squirrel 2 (todd?): Yeah! Right on! / Lyle: But you didn't come here just because you wanted to play the Blues, did you?
/ Squirrel (todd?): No!
/ squirrel 2 (todd?): No way, Chicago! / Lyle: You came here to write the next chapter in Blues history! The... Illegal chapter!
/ Squirrel (todd?): Straight up!
/ squirrel 2 (todd?): oh yeah! /
/ Lyle: Are you ready to break the rules? Are you ready to play the Blues that the government doesn't want heard?
/ Squirrel (todd?): So ready!
/ squirrel 2 (todd?): Let's Do This! /
/ The cartoonist is too tired to finish this strip because his inlaws' sofa-bed afforded him no sleep on christmas. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12262001 |
| Sex Funeral | Lyle: Welcome to Reality! Welcome to the Hard Life! Welcome to the Blues!
/ Squirrel 1: Yeah!
/ Squirrel 2: Yeah!
/ [[Lyle pumps fist; squirrels raise arms in the air]] / Lyle: Welcome to... SEX FUNERAL!
/ Squirrel 1: Right on!
/ Squirrel 2: Yeah! Right on! / Lyle: But you didn't come here just because you wanted to play the Blues, did you?
/ Squirrel 1: No!
/ Squirrel 2: No way, Chicago! / Lyle: You came here to write the next chapter in Blues history! The... Illegal chapter!
/ Squirrel 1: Straight up!
/ Squirrel 2: Oh YEAH! / Lyle: Are you ready to break the rules? Are you ready to play the Blues that the government doesn't want heard?
/ Squirrel 1: SO READY!
/ Squirrel 2: LET's DO THIS! / Caption overlaying half-finished panel: The cartoonist is too tired to finish this strip because his inlaws' sofa-bed afforded him no sleep on Christmas. / {{Squirrels are black; either might be Todd.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12262001 |
| Sex Funeral | [[Title: Band Tryouts]] / Lyle: Welcome to Reality! Welcome to the Hard Life! Welcome to the Blues!
/ Squirrel (todd?): Yeah!
/ squirrel 2 (todd?): Yeah! / Lyle: Welcome to... SEX FUNERAL!
/ Squirrel (todd?): Right on!
/ squirrel 2 (todd?): Yeah! Right ON! / Lyle: But you didn't come here just because you wanted to play the Blues, did you?
/ Squirrel (todd?): No!
/ squirrel 2 (todd?): No way, Chicago! / Lyle: You came here to write the next chapter in Blues history! The... illegal chapter!
/ Squirrel (todd?): Straight up!
/ squirrel 2 (todd?): Oh YEAH! /
/ Lyle: Are you ready to break the rules? Are you ready to play the Blues that the government doesn't want heard?
/ Squirrel (todd?): SO READY!
/ squirrel 2 (todd?): LET'S DO THIS! / [[Half drawn Lyle with a text box over the panel]]
/ THE CARTOONIST IS TOO TIRED TO FINISH THIS STRIP BECAUSE HIS INLAWS' SOFA-BED AFFORDED HIM NO SLEEP ON CHRISTMAS http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12262001 |
| Achewood - December 26, 2003 | {{guest strip by Andrice Arp of hi-horse titled 'Some Haiku for Achewood'}} / Roast Beef: Inexorably | sadness descends, unfailing. | meets its mark always / {{drawing of Teodor cooking but distracted by a middle finger, presumably Lyle's}}
/ Teodor: Districated by Lyle | balsamic reduction burned | dinner is ruined / {{Little Nephew cries | he is mature for his age | but kids are still kids}}
/ Roast Beef: aww Ray man you kind | of went too far He is like | only a preteen
/ Ray: Dang, Beef, He was all | up in my shit! What was I | supposed to do, dogg? / {{A cat, peaceful, sleeps | one and a half Vicodin | a fifth of Jim Beam}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12262003 |
| Achewood - December 26, 2005 | [[A collage of photos take at the "Achewood Production Facilities, 2005". Top Left: Screenprinting setup. Top Right: Stacks of T-shirts and screen prints. Bottom Right: More screen prints, boxes and some adorable little model houses on a window sill. Bottom Left: A stack of screen prints in paper fanned out as if coming off of a newspaper press.]] / Caption: Dear Reader: Enjoy this photos taken in and around the Achewood production facilities, 2005. We will see you soon. Happy holidays! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12262005 |
| Achewood - December 26, 2006 | < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12262006 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12262007">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12262007 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - December 27, 2001 | [[Philippe and Teodor are alone in a room. Teodor stands behing Philippe, covering his eyes. There is a small pile of bottles in the corner.]]
/ Teodor: Merry Crishmash, Philippe!
/ Philippe: Oooh! Merry Christmas, Teodor! / [[Lyle enters right, staggering with bottle in hand.]]
/ Teodor: Here comes Lyle with your present!
/ Philippe: Oh boy oh boy! / [[Lyle punches Philippe in the stomach as Teodor uncovers his eyes.]]
/ Phillippe: OOOFFF / [[Lyle and Teodor rejoice in their drunken shenanigans.]]
/ Teodor:Ha ha!
/ Lyle: Ha! Ha!
/ Phillippe: < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12272001 |
| Belated Christmas strip | [[Philippe and Téodor are alone in a room. Téodor stands behind Philippe, covering his eyes. There is a small pile of bottles to the rear. Teodor emits drunk-bubbles.]]
/ Téodor: Merry Crishmash, Philippe!
/ Philippe: Oooh! Merry Christmas, Téodor! / [[Lyle enters right, staggering with bottle in hand.]]
/ Téodor: Here comes Lyle with your present!
/ Philippe: Oh boy oh boy! / [[Lyle punches Philippe in the stomach as Teodor uncovers his eyes.]]
/ Phillippe: OOOFFF / [[Lyle and Téodor rejoice in their drunken shenanigans.]]
/ Téodor :Ha ha!
/ Lyle: Ha! Ha!
/ Phillippe: oh boy
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12272001 |
| Achewood - December 27, 2004 | [[Ray is sleeping in bed]]
/ Charlie Brown: Good grief! Get up, Ray! It's almost three in the afternoon! / Ray: Huh? Oh, man! Charlie Brown! I...I through you were dead! / Charlie Brown: What an awful thing to say to me! I'm like nine years old!
/ Ray: God, I'm sorry man. I never know how things like this are supposed to go. / Charlie Brown: Here, put these shoes on and have legs like mine.
/ Ray: O--okay / [[Ray and Charlie Brown walk down the hall]]
/ Ray: Uh, Listen, Chuck. About that "dead" thing...you know Schulz is gone, right?
/ Charlie Brown: Today I'm finally gonna kick that football! / Ray: Technically, man, you shouldn't even be here. You died when he did.
/ Charlie Brown: Nonsense! I haven't even kissed the little red-haired girl yet! / Ray: You're never gonna get to, dude! He took you down with him like an Egyptian emperor!
/ Charlie Brown: Cut it out, Ray! That's not true! SHUT...UP! / [[Later - Ray and Beef in the kitchen]]
/ Beef: Dang Ray you lookin' shaken as they come what is the haps
/ Ray: Man, you'd think it'd be easier to give some bad news to Charlie Brown. / {{Alt Text-It's pretty hard to tell a nine-year old child that they are dead. It is pretty sad.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12272004 |
| Charlie Brown, you died | [[Ray is sleeping in bed]]
/ Charlie Brown: Good grief! Get up, Ray! It's almost three in the afternoon! / Ray: Huh? Oh, man! Charlie Brown! I...I through you were dead! / Charlie Brown: What an awful thing to say to me! I'm like nine years old!
/ Ray: God, I'm sorry man. I never know how things like this are supposed to go. / Charlie Brown: Here, put these shoes on and have legs like mine.
/ Ray: O--okay / [[Ray and Charlie Brown walk down the hall]]
/ Ray: Uh, Listen, Chuck. About that "dead" thing...you know Schulz is gone, right?
/ Charlie Brown: Today I'm finally gonna kick that football! / Ray: Technically, man, you shouldn't even be here. You died when he did.
/ Charlie Brown: Nonsense! I haven't even kissed the little red-haired girl yet! / Ray: You're never gonna get to, dude! He took you down with him like an Egyptian emperor!
/ Charlie Brown: Cut it out, Ray! That's not true! SHUT...UP! / [[Later - Ray and Beef in the kitchen]]
/ Beef: Dang Ray you lookin' shaken as they come what is the haps
/ Ray: Man, you'd think it'd be easier to give some bad news to Charlie Brown. / {{Alt Text-It's pretty hard to tell a nine-year old child that they are dead. It is pretty sad.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12272004 |
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