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| Showbiz and the Notice of Collections II | [[Roast Beef is holding an envelope and looks pissed.]]
/ Roast Beef: Uh Showbiz is there something you want to tell me / [[Showbiz points his finger at Roast Beef like a gun.]]
/ Showbiz: Yeah! It'd be super hot to do a chick in a dressing room!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11162005 |
| Achewood - November 17, 2003 | [[A small shoe kicks at the keys to a van]]< http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11172003 |
| Achewood - November 17, 2004 | [[Roast Beef holding a pan of lamb]]
/ Beef: Okay Weldon now comes the part where we brown the lamb for the moussaka! Ain't that fun boy! Ain't that fun huh! / Gramma K: Roast Beef! Get that dog out of here before it starts biting!
/ Beef: Weldon doesn't bite Gramma K / Gramma K: Don't you talk back! Now get that thing out of here!
/ Beef: Weldon isn't going anywhere and that is the final word
/ Gramma K: Why, the nerve of you! Come over here and get your slap! / [[Beef is pissed]] / Beef: Old woman listen to me. / [[Beef slams door]]
/ Beef: You have forbidden me from pleasure since the day I was born Now I pay for this house and I pay for your wine
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11172004 |
| Holiday Gift Preview 2005 | [[Text at left:]]
/ Dear Readers,
/ Help us help you! In order to plan our Holiday Gift Assortment, we need your valuable feedback. Please look over the following pre-production items, and tell us which appeal to you the most. Use the handy "item scoring system" below:
/ 1: Would definitely buy
/ 2: Would consider buying
/ 3: Would maybe not consider buying
/ 4: Would probably not buy
/ 5: You should make a shirt with the strip from 1/21/03 on it! My friends and I would totally buy that if we got jobs! -Eric M., Glasgow
/ Dear Eric,
/ Thank you for your letter. Unfortunately, we do not print comic strips onto clothing, because little things like periods and colons tend to come off in the wash and adhere to problematic areas on one's "Eats, Shoots & Leaves" promotional apparel.
/ Sincerely,
/ CHRIS
/ [[The final S in Onstad's name is actually written as a treble clef.]] / [[Caption: "Holiday Gift Catalog '05"]] / [[Caption: "'PaceSetter' Stirrup Leggings (unisex)". Ray is shown wearing the leggings in question.]]
/ Ray: Dang! I feel like a million bucks! / [[Caption: "Insure an Uninsured Motorist
/ Give the gift of Insurance." A mulleted cat wearing a wife-beater and wrap-around sport sunglasses is pictured.]]
/ Mullet cat: Whaaat / [[Caption: "A Woman With Prescription Aviator-Frame Glasses
/ The kind you see in the Jack in the Box drive-through at 7:15am on her commute to her sysadmin job at a bank."
/ Scary looking female critter, bearing striking resemblance to the androgynous Pat character on Saturday Night Live, behind a steering wheel.]]
/ Pat-lookalike: DOG IS MY CO-PILOT / [[Caption: "'Action=Standard' Stirrup Leggings (unisex)"
/ Ray is shown wearing these leggings as well.]]
/ Ray: With ballet so expensive these days, I can't afford NOT to wear them! / {{alt-text: Women with prescription aviators can also be seen on C.O.P.S.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11172005 |
| Emeril vs. Jesus | Philippe: Mr. Bear, who is better- Emeril or Jesus? / Mr. Bear: Good heavens. Call me what you will, but on dry turn I'd go with Jesus by a nose. Why do you ask?
/ Philippe: Because Jesus could turn loaves into fishes and feed a thousand people, but Emeril feeds that many people every day at his restaurant! / Mr. Bear: Ah, but they have to pay, and the quiet humiliation of going with tap rather than sparkling. / Mr. Bear: Of course, many sources document that Jesus's fish was underseasoned and heavily padded with mung bean sprouts, so you've got to consider which customer truly wound up topped off and mulling the port. / Philippe: I'm more confused than before! / Mr. Bear: Dangerous questions take us down dangerous paths, Philippe. / {{title text- Truth seldom falls cleanly from the bone we call Jesus.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11172006 |
| Emeril vs. Jesus | [[A smiling Philippe looks enquiringly up at Mr. Bear, who is holding a glass of cognac in one hand]]
/ Philippe: Mr. Bear, who's better - Emeril or Jesus? / [[We see that Mr. Bear has a cigarillo in his other hand.]]
/ Mr. Bear: Good heavens. Call me what you will, but on dry turf I'd go with Jesus by a nose. Why do you ask?
/ Philippe: Because Jesus could turn loaves into fishes and feed a thousand people, but Emeril feeds that many people every day at his restaurant! / Mr. Bear: Ah, but they have to pay, and suffer the quiet humiliation of going with tap rather than sparkling. / Mr. Bear: Of course, many sources document that Jesus's fish was underseasoned and heavily padded with mung bean sprouts, so you've got to consider which customer truly wound up topped off and mulling the port. / [[Philippe looks dismayedly up at Mr. Bear]]
/ Philippe: I'm more confused than before! / [[Philippe looks dejectedly down at the floor as Mr. Bear turns to leave]]
/ Mr. Bear: Dangerous questions take us down dangerous paths, Philippe. / {{Title text: Truth seldom falls cleanly from the bone we call Jesus}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11172006 |
| Achewood § November 17, 2008 | [[Ray on phone]]
/ Ray: Yo Beef! Let's do up a little "couples' dinner party" for Connie and that new chick! Make sure she ain't just playing him for a sugar daddy with a bum ticker, you know? / [[Beef on phone]]
/ Beef: Alright dogg uh I look forward to Chardonnay wine from the appropriate refrigerator and an appeasement of chutneys / [[Back to Ray. He has turned around]]
/ Ray: Tite, man. My place, tonight, you and Molly and Connie and that chick and me. / [[Back to Beef, he also has turned around.]]
/ Beef: Oh ok decent uh how should I dress up I mean I ain't go to a lot of supper parties / [[Back to Ray. Long shot of him from the front]]
/ Ray: Well, she's a stripper so you ain't exactly got to look like one of those dudes from the Dutch Masters box. / [[Same shot, but of Beef]]
/ Beef: Oh man if you go into this thinking of her just as a stripper it could like ramify into the evening in ways you don't mean / [[Mid shot of Ray, starting to rage]]
/ Ray: It ain't like I'm gonna put a black-light over her seat and announce that the digestif is a Jager shooter from between her tits! / [[Same shot of Beef, starting to rage]]
/ Beef: No but like you might assume that she's never heard of having cheese in a salad before and go over the top in acting all worldly and declaiming that cheese in salads "actually dates to the earliest monotheists" / [[Shot of Ray:]]
/ Ray: The Hindenburg of walkin' into a room sees ME screwin' this up?! Stay home, dude. I'll brief you later.
/ Beef: Ten bucks says if you see her talkin' to Cornelius too much you absently start flickin' dollar bills out on the tablecloth in front of you http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11172008 |
| Achewood - November 18, 2002 | [[Ray is holding a microphone in a recording studio. He is dressed in a robe with a pair of eighth notes. There is a piano nearby]] / Ray: Everybody Dance...
/ Everybody Dance...
/ Everybody Dance...
/ Like There's Ass In Your Pants! / Ray: Ass In Your Pants,
/ ASS In Your Pants! / Ray: EVERYBODY DANCE
/ LIKE THERE'S ASS IN YOUR PANTS!
/ Ass IN Your Pants... / [[Ray is in the process of backflipping over the piano]]
/ Ray: NOW! / [[Ray plays a riff of music which is shown over his head]] / Moments Later:
/ [[Teodor is stationed at an old fashioned tape-recorder]]
/ Ray: Whew! did we nail that one?! Did we? Don't sweet-talk me, now!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11182002 |
| Achewood - November 18, 2002 | [[Ray is holding a microphone. He is dressed in a robe with musical note symbols.]]
/ Ray: Everybody Dance...
/ Everybody Dance...
/ Everybody Dance...
/ Like There's Ass In Your Pants! / Ray: Ass In Your Pants,
/ ASS In Your Pants! / Ray: EVERYBODY DANCE
/ LIKE THERE'S ASS IN YOUR PANTS!
/ Ass IN Your Pants... / [[Ray backflips over a piano]]
/ Ray: NOW! / [[Ray plays the piano energetically]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11182002 |
| Achewood - November 18, 2003 | [[Scene is Lyle and Mr. Bear driving in the rain, searching for Philippe.]]
/ Lyle: Alright, Laphroaig's empty! What's switch number four do?
/ Mr. Bear: Don't touch that. / Lyle: Lemme guess... it's a recessed gun that pops up and shoots a big doily onto parkin' spaces!
/ Mr. Bear: Why must you insist that everything I do involves a doily, Lyle? / Lyle: Hey, I'm gettin' a call! It's Ray! / Lyle: 'sup, Ray? You find Philippe yet? Threadville quarry? Yeah, we just passed it! Ok, see you in two! / MEANWHILE:
/ [[Scene is Roast Beef, driving in the rain. A panicked expression is on his face as he plays a game of Tetris in his head; the current piece is shaped like the Greek letter omega.]] / {{Alt-text: The Ardbeg and the Omega}}
/ {{Tags: Lyle, Mr. Bear, Roast Beef, Philippe kidnapped, omega Tetris}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11182003 |
| Achewood - November 18, 2004 | [[Roast Beef bangs on the wall]]
/ Roast Beef: You god damn hag!
/ It's YOUR fault I can't have a meal without thinking it'll give me cancer!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11182004 |
| Friday Facts for November | [[Philippe's newspaper.]]
/ The Philippe Times.
/ Back Page: Riddle Me This!
/ Vol 7 No. 19
/ Friday Facts!
/ by Philippe, editor-in-chief!
/ [[A rather sleep-deprived-looking Philippe is shown.]]
/ DID YOU KNOW...
/ In China, they say the following riddle: "What has four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs in the evening?" The answer will surprise you! The answer, according to friend L.B.: a stool that is being modified by the Army to weigh less.
/ THIS JUST IN: Hey, I'm going to start a riddle company! For fifty cents, I will create a riddle about your favorite thing or friend! My company will be called RiddleMax.
/ My first RiddleMax client, Teodor, says that his favorite thing is his guitar. Here is his complimentary riddle (for being first):
/ What's long, stiff, and lives in a furry black cave when not in use? Say, I'm good at this! (sorry to have an ego.)
/ FACT: There are three kinds of pen: felt-tip, ball-point, and fountain pen. In the past they would write letters using a bird feather, or just go to the person's house and talk about what was eating at them.
/ R_I_D_D_L_E
/ Ever wonder why they call it a medicine ball? It's because in the time of the Greeks, medicine was thought to be heavier than water, thus you would get a better workout when tossing a ball filled with it.
/ [[Two shirtless men are pictured, facing one another, and squatting. One of them is bearded. The other is holding a medicine ball.]]
/ A: "Why would anyone want to play with this?"
/ B: "That is exactly my opinion, William."
/ __E_N_D__O_F__R_I_D_D_L_E__
/ The WORST way to cook a hot dog? Point a keychain laser at it. I wasted almost an hour!
/ How early is too early to tell a kid that he's Catholic? Should you wait until he can wear a tie?
/ "You're Catholic, kid." Sounds like something Humphrey Bogart would say if he was a priest, as he was sprinkling holy water on your forehead!
/ Sometimes Teodor goes down to Starbucks and gets a "doppio nonfat no-whip mocha valencia" (he typed that in just now!). He says it's his "signature drink." If I had a signature drink, it would probably be water.
/ How come nobody ever runs for President? I did, and it was fun! I guess they're afraid they'd win, and have to figure out what to do about all the stabbings. I admit I have no idea.
/ A lot of people spend a lot of time making cookbooks, but good country potatoes and eggs will pretty much top you off every time. (Nice Pete is over, and he is saying that in the other room.)
/ In my picture this week, I had just been sneezing. Don't worry. --P. / {{alt-text: It actually sounds more like something WC Fields would say to a kid as he poured rye whiskey over its head.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11182005 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/?date=11182010">http://achewood.com/?date=11182010 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - November 19, 2001 | Téodor, Mr. Bear, and Lyle are playing Scrabble. Lyle puts down "BIKES" horizontally. / Téodor adds a vertical "GHOST" connecting to the S in Lyle's contribution. / Mr. Bear plays a horizontal "ILLEGAL" on Téodor's "GHOST." http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11192001 |
| Achewood - November 19, 2001 | "Scrabble"
/ [[Téodor, Cornelius, and Lyle are playing Scrabble. Lyle puts down "BIKES" horizontally.]] / [[Téodor adds a vertical "GHOST" connecting to the S in Lyle's contribution.]] / [[Cornelius plays a horizontal "ILLEGAL" connecting with the G on Téodor's "GHOST."]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11192001 |
| Achewood - November 19, 2002 | [[Ray looks at a montage of newspaper clippings with a surprised look on his face. The background is hell of musical notation.]] / [[The following are quotes from newspapers, magazines.]] / Unknown Reviewer: "ASS IN YOUR PANTS" THIS YEAR'S MOST IMPORTANT SONG / Michael Chabon: "'Ragtime' is a musical form woven from the starched Negro collar of early bordello servitude, an apprenticeship in American sin which charmed volumes of this country's well-heeled and well-to-do. Ray Smuckles is, perhaps, the most shining example of a modern American artist in his creative prime. 'Ragtime' is his megaphone and hip-hop is that hand that holds it." / TIME: "In a land ravaged by terror, in a time of social uncertainty and political alienation, artist Ray Smuckles has crafted an anthemic crossover masterpiece where ragtime piano meets up with a hip-hop bullet that goes 'straight into your pants.'" / Douglas Coupland: "In a nation of broadband apathy, the pierced avenues of your local Tower Records are something like a roll call for reform... reporting to [Ray Smuckles'] Ragtime Detnetion Center is like pacing steadily toward the altar of... the only modern cultural validation whcich can even be said to exist." / {{oh my goodness}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11192002 |
| Skyrocketing up the charts | [[Ray looks at a montage of newspaper clippings with a surprised look on his face. The background is musical notation.]] / [[The following are quotes from newspapers, magazines.]] / Unknown Reviewer: "ASS IN YOUR PANTS" THIS YEAR'S MOST IMPORTANT SONG / Michael Chabon: "'Ragtime' is a musical form woven from the starched Negro collar of early bordello servitude, an apprenticeship in American sin which charmed volumes of this country's well-heeled and well-to-do. Ray Smuckles is, perhaps, the most shining example of a modern American artist in his creative prime. 'Ragtime' is his megaphone and hip-hop is that hand that holds it." / TIME: "In a land ravaged by terror, in a time of social uncertainty and political alienation, artist Ray Smuckles has crafted an anthemic crossover masterpiece where ragtime piano meets up with a hip-hop bullet that goes 'straight into your pants.'" / Douglas Coupland: "In a nation of broadband apathy, the pierced avenues of your local Tower Records are something like a roll call for reform... reporting to [Ray Smuckles'] Ragtime Detention Center is like pacing steadily toward the altar of... the only modern cultural validation which can even be said to exist." / {{oh my goodness}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11192002 |
| Achewood - November 19, 2004 | [[Ray and Roast Beef sitting at a table, Ray is reading from a magazine, Beef tucks in to a sandwich]]
/ Ray: I tell you, one thing I cannot abide is guys with a tattoo on their ass cheek. I gotta draw the line. Back me up, Beef. / Roast Beef: Oh man Ray this egg sandwich is grelicious Without Molly around I didn't realize to eat for seven days. / Ray: I can't believe you moved out on Grandma K, dude. Who's gonna take care of her? / Roast Beef: Same person that took care of me Samuel H. Invisible / Ray: Oh man, don't start in with Samuel H. Invisible. / Roast Beef: I've got Samuel H. Invis-i-ble instead of a mom and dad He's nev-er taken me to the zoo and I've Nev-er seen a doctor ...He's Samuel! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11192004 |
| Ramses is a Master of Many Crafts | [[Exterior view of bar at nighttime]]
/ Ray: So, did you get to spend much time with dad growing up? / [[Interior; Ray and Dornheim drinking beers at a table]]
/ Dornheim: Ramses? No. Only met him once, in a liquor store in Watts.
/ I was getting supplies for my famous whiskey sours. / Ray: How'd...how did you know you were related?
/ Dornheim: He saw my name on the badge I was wearing from an aviation conference. / Dornheim: "Not a lot of boys claimin' Smuckles," he said. He asked me my mom's name. I told him Irene. / Dornheim: He said, "You got a brother just won the Great Outdoor Fight. Look him up or don't." / Dornheim: Then he left. The way he left was incredible. He was an artist. A true master of leavery.
/ Ray: It is an art, isn't it! / Dornheim: The way he left said, "I care about you in a way that will never matter."
/ His silence was articulate. / Ray: You catch anything else? Any details about him? What about his car?
/ Dornheim: The only thing I saw as he left the parking lot was this... / [[Close-up of a car's rear bumper. A bumper-sticker reads "I KICK MEN'S ASSES AND I VOTE"]]
/ {{alt text - Clearly, Ramses will only vote for the candidate who supports the ass kicking initiative.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11192007 |
| Achewood § November 19, 2009 | [[ The Dude and Catastrophe sign swings in a storm, making a 'Squee' noise.]] / Cornelius Bear: Mr. Kazenzakis. A pleasure to see you this fine, blustery evening. You sit rather low in the water, I daresay. / Roast Beef: Man Molly is talkin' about havin' a baby again / Cornelius: And in what direction does that weather aim your vane? / Roast Beef: Well honestly I mean I always expected that I might have a tyke at some point when I grew up and got old but I guess I didn't notice that I did that already. / Cornelius: It is not fashionable to dissuade newlyweds from creating offspring, but, in my estimation, children are like the Kennedy Assassination: There you are, John F. Kennedy, and then in an instant your hair's a mess and you have no idea how to gauge the temperature of milk. / Roast Beef: Yeah you ain't a guy of kids I got to take that with a grain of salt / Cornelius: Indeed, indeed. I am perhaps selfish in considering children are an unfortunate feature of the species, but the plain truth is that I'd rather sink a cleaver into my own shin than play "hide and seek" with an undersocialized narcissist who doesn't understand what hiding is. Say, why don't you borrow Philippe for a few weeks? That would be a marvelous dry run! / 6 AM THE FOLLOWING DAY. / Knock! Knock! Knock! / Philippe: Hello! I need a hug! Wake up! Do you have Dora? I can't visit animals because there is a lice alert! I need to poop! I have a joke about a canary: He was hanging upside-down! Ha ha! Does God have a car? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11192009 |
| Achewood - November 20, 2001 | Lie Bott: Hey Todd, what's shakin'?
/ Todd: Lie B-B-Bot, you'd better shut up because I don't w-w-wanna deal with you right now. / Lie Bot: What's the matter?
/ Todd: My uncle fell in a pond and drowned! He drowned! I just got back from the funeral! / Lie Bot: Well, have I got some good news for you! I heard on the radio that your uncle woke up after the funeral because of the prayers that you said! / Todd: Really? / Lie Bot: Yes! He started dancing right in his coffin... and get this! He said he wanted to buy you an airplane! / Todd: No way! That's exactly what I prayed would happen! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11202001 |
| Achewood - November 20, 2001 | Lie Bott: Hey Todd, what's shakin'?
/ Todd: Lie B-B-Bot, you'd better shut up because I don't w-w-wanna deal with you right now. / Lie Bot: What's the matter?
/ Todd: My uncle fell in a pond and drowned! He drowned! I just got back from the funeral! / Lie Bot: Well, have I got some good news for you! I heard on the radio that your uncle woke up after the funeral because of the prayers that you said!
/ [[Todd looks shocked]] / Todd: Really? / Lie Bot: Yes! He started dancing right in his coffin... and get this! He said he wanted to buy you an airplane! / Todd: No way! That's exactly what I prayed would happen! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11202001 |
| Achewood - November 20, 2002 | Ray, thinking:
/ Well I'll be
/ Someone finally shot that Morrissey character / Pat: Wow, Ray-- you got an AIBO?
/ Ray: Oh, you mean Rutherford? / Pat: I heard you could teach these little guys stuff! / Ray: RUTHERFORD!
/ Pat... is... fine! / Rutherford: ARF! PANT PANT / Pat: R-R-Rutherford! STOP this terrible BEHAVIOR!
/ STOP IT!
/ SE: WHACK!
/ Rutherford: OWRP! / Ray: Aw, don't worry Pat! He don't ejaculate! / Pat: NOW HOW WOULD I KNOW THAT?!
/ HOW WOULD I KNOW THAT THAT ROBOT DON'T EJACULATE?! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11202002 |
| Achewood - November 20, 2002 | [[Ray is sitting and reading a newspaper.]]
/ Ray: (thinks) Well I'll be
/ Ray: (thinks) Someone finally shot that Morrissey character / Pat: Wow, Ray-- you got an AIBO?
/ Ray: Oh, you mean Rutherford? / [[Close-up of Rutherford the AIBO]]
/ Pat: I heard you could teach these little guys stuff! / Ray: RUTHERFORD!
/ Ray: Pat... is... fine! / [[Rutherford is humping Pat's leg]]
/ Rutherford: ARF! PANT PANT / Pat: R-R-Rutherford! STOP this terrible BEHAVIOR!
/ Pat: STOP IT!
/ [[Pat strikes Rutherford]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11202002 |
| Beef's Anti-Depression Lamp | [[Molly looks behind herself with one raised eyebrow]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11202006 |
| Beef's Anti-Depression Lamp | [[Molly looks behind herself with one raised eyebrow]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11202006 |
| Beef's Anti-Depression Lamp | [[Molly looks behind herself with one raised eyebrow.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11202006 |
| Beef's Anti-Depression Lamp | [[Molly looks behind herself with one raised eyebrow]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11202006 |
| Achewood § November 20, 2008 | Ray: Connie! A beautiful lady! Why is this happening to me? Did I overpay my taxes?! / Cornelius: Good to see you, Raymond. This is Polly, and this is fine brown liquor.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11202008 |
| Achewood - November 21, 2001 | [[Téodor is in his Chef's attire. Lie Bot is making a gesture that typically indicates trying to reason with someone]]
/ Lie Bot: Look, I didn't say that. All I said is that you probably like to nail other guy bears.
/ [[Téodor has a bit of a scowl on]]
/ Téodor: Just because I like to cook? / [[A tiny van screams past both character's legs, laying down rubber]]
/ Lie Bot: Whoah!
/ Téodor: Hey!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11212001 |
| Todd's new van | [[Téodor is in his Chef's attire. Lie Bot is making a gesture that typically indicates trying to reason with someone]]
/ Lie Bot: Look, I didn't say that. All I said is that you probably like to nail other guy bears.
/ [[Téodor has a bit of a scowl on]]
/ Téodor: Just because I like to cook? / [[A tiny van screams past both character's legs, laying down rubber]]
/ Lie Bot: Whoah!
/ Téodor: Hey!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11212001 |
| Achewood - November 21, 2001 | [[Téodor is in his Chef's attire, talking to Lie Bot]]
/ Lie Bot: Look, I didn't say that. All I said is that you probably like to nail other guy bears.
/ Téodor: Just because I like to cook? / [[A tiny van screams past both character's legs, laying down rubber]]
/ Lie Bot: Whoah!
/ Téodor: Hey!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11212001 |
| Achewood - November 21, 2002 | Pat: Where did you get this ridiculous dog, Ray?
/ Ray: Sony sent him to me! / Ray: Apparently they send you one every time your record goes platinum!
/ Awwww! Now ain't he sweet!
/ Rutherford: ARF! / SE: THUNK THUNK THUNK / Caption: SOON
/ Ray: PAT! Come back here! We gotta think up... let's see now... 33 new names! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11212002 |
| Achewood - November 21, 2002 | Pat: Where did you get this ridiculous dog, Ray?
/ Ray: Sony sent him to me! / Ray: Apparently they send you one every time your record goes platinum!
/ Awwww! Now ain't he sweet!
/ Rutherford: ARF! / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11212002 |
| Achewood - November 21, 2002 | Pat: Where did you get this ridiculous dog, Ray?
/ Ray: Sony sent him to me! / Ray: Apparently they send you one every time your record goes platinum!
/ Ray: Awwww! Now ain't he sweet!
/ [[Rutherford bounds excitedly]]
/ Rutherford: ARF! / << THUNK THUNK THUNK>>
/ [[Ray turns round at the thunking noise.]]
/ Rutherford: ! / [[Ray is surrounded by AIBOs. Caption: SOON]]
/ Ray: PAT! Come back here! We gotta think up... let's see now... 33 new names!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11212002 |
| Achewood - November 21, 2003 | [[Philippe drives a van in the rain. It is nighttime. He is dressed in a bee costume and is manipulating the steering wheel with his mouth.]] / [[In the dark, through the driving rain, the silhouette of a stag becomes visible.]] / [[Suddenly, Philippe is upon the stag. He (Philippe) is surprised.]] / [[The van strikes the stag.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11212003 |
| Achewood - November 21, 2005 | [[Roast Beef lying on his stomach reading]]
/ Roast Beef: Fine yeah I'll drop you off at the movies just tell me when it's a quarter of six / [[Showbiz points]]
/ Showbiz: Sweet! No problem! / [[Showbiz looks]] / [[Showbiz turns]] / [[Showbiz looks stunned]] / [[An analog clock reads six minutes past five]] / [[Showbiz stares at the clock]] / [[The clock changes with the hands curling and letters and numbers appearing randomly]] / [[Showbiz looks down dejectedly]] / [[Showbiz raises his hand]] / [[Showbiz snaps his fingers]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11212005 |
| Ray's Chinese Delicacy. | [[Ray is at his computer]] / [[Ray aggressively clicks the mouse button]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11212006 |
| Ray's Chinese Delicacy. | [[Ray is at his computer]] / [[Ray aggressively clicks the mouse button]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11212006 |
| Achewood - November 21, 2007 | [[Philippe is holding a book]]
/ Philippe: I'm almost done reading all of the Hardy Boys books! Is there a last one? / [[Lyle, looking excited]]
/ Lyle (thinking): Jeez, I don't think there's a wrap-up story! I could make a killing! / [[Close-up of the computer screen]]
/ THE CASE OF THE LAST MYSTERY
/ THE LAST HARDY BOYS BOOK
/ CHAPTER 1
/ Frank, out of his mind on "jazz cigarettes" and ether, hit the prone form one last time before hurling the lead pipe into the quarry. / [[Lyle is typing at the computer, a bottle of Jack Daniels at his side]]
/ Text: Joe crunched by the fence and did a "number two". This was how his body proved that it was scared.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11212007 |
| Achewood - November 22, 2001 | Todd, can you hear us?
/ TODD THE SQUIRREL IS NOT HERE...RIGHT...NOW
/ Look, we saw you drive down the stairs. Are you okay?
/ NO...YES
/ What's the matter? Are you bleeding?
/ I...I can't feel my tail...I...
/ ...to be continued http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11222001 |
| A terrible Thanksgiving | [[Téodor kneels besides Todd's fallen van; Lie Bot looks on]]
/ Téodor: Todd, can you hear us? / Todd: TODD THE SQUIRREL IS NOT HERE...RIGHT...NOW / Téodor: Look, we saw you drive down the stairs. Are you okay? / Todd: NO...YES / Téodor: What's the matter? Are you bleeding?
/ Todd: I...I can't feel my tail...I... / [[Blood pools under Todd's van]]
/ Caption: ...to be continued http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11222001 |
| Achewood - November 22, 2001 | [[Lie Bot and Teodor are next to Todd's crashed van]]
/ Teodor: Todd, can you hear us? / Todd from inside of van:TODD THE SQUIRREL IS NOT HERE...RIGHT...NOW / Teodor:Look, we saw you drive down the stairs. Are you okay? / Todd from inside of van: NO...YES / Teodor: What's the matter? Are you bleeding?
/ Todd from inside of van: I...I can't feel my tail...I... / [[Blood starts pouring out from underneath the van]]
/ [[Caption: ...to be continued]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11222001 |
| Achewood - November 22, 2002 | [[Ray opens enevelope and pulls out invitation.]]
/ Invitation: You are invited to a celebration for Sony recording artist RAY
/ Invitation: please RSVP by November 23
/ Invitation: hosted by Teodor / [[Ray is on the phone with Teodor.]]
/ Ray: Teodor! You throwin' me a party? I'm touched!
/ Teodor: You sold 34 million albums, Ray! This is unbelievable! / Ray: There will be room for all my babies, right?
/ Teodor: Oh my god! You've already got a stable? / Ray: My AIBOs! I don't go nowhere without my little honeys!
/ AIBO: ARF! / Teodor: Well, sure...how many -
/ Ray: I have 34 AIBOs. / Teodor: What?
/ Ray: There's Sweetie, and Pumpernickel, and Magic, and Sam, and Melon, and Olive, and Ruby, and Tammy, and Mr. Sours, and Bite-Bite, and Joe, and Okey-Doke, and Fingers, and Sweet Spot, and Slow-lane, and Weldon, and Doctor Kisses-
/ AIBOS in background: ARF! ARF! ARF! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11222002 |
| Achewood - November 22, 2002 | [[Ray opens enevelope and pulls out invitation.]]
/ Invitation: You are invited to a celebration for Sony recording artist RAY
/ Invitation: please RSVP by November 23
/ Invitation: hosted by Teodor / [[Ray, wearing a bathrobe or jacket and holding a drink, is on the phone with Teodor. An AIBO is visible nearby.]]
/ Ray: Teodor! You throwin' me a party? I'm touched!
/ Teodor: (off-panel) You sold 34 million albums, Ray! This is unbelievable! / [[Teodor on the phone]]
/ Ray: (off-panel) There will be room for all my babies, right?
/ Teodor: Oh my god! You've already got a stable? / [[Two AIBOs bound around Ray]]
/ Ray: My AIBOs! I don't go nowhere without my little honeys!
/ AIBO: ARF! / Teodor: Well, sure...how many -
/ Ray: I have 34 AIBOs. / [[Ray is shown surrounded by AIBOs]]
/ Teodor: What?
/ Ray: There's Sweetie, and Pumpernickel, and Magic, and Sam, and Melon, and Olive, and Ruby, and Tammy, and Mr. Sours, and Bite-Bite, and Joe, and Okey-Doke, and Fingers, and Sweet Spot, and Slow-lane, and Weldon, and Doctor Kisses-
/ AIBOS in background: ARF! ARF! ARF! / {{Alt text: like a sleepy golden storm}}
/ {{Archive title: Party For Ray}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11222002 |
| Achewood - November 22, 2004 | [[Cornelius Bear stands in the garden, smoking and holding a glass]]
/ Mr Bear: Ahh, the postprandial hand-rolled and finger of grappa.
/ Just the thing to toast the old cage / [[Pat entering though the fence]] / Pat: Cornelius!
/ Mr Bear: Why good evening, Patrick! How nice to see you! / [[Pat shoves Mr Bear aside]]
/ Pat: Lyle needs me to send him one of his guns. Where does he keep them?
/ Mr Bear: How curious! They're in the garden shed, beneath a-
/ Pat: I ain't no boob, I'll figure it out. / [[SOON. Pat returns and grabs the glass from Mr. Bear's hand]]
/ Pat: Allright, I gotta go. Let me get a taste of that... that pinot grigio?
/ Mr Bear: No, it's- / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11222004 |
| Achewood - November 22, 2005 | PANEL 1
/ Roast Beef answers the door to find Molly wearing a backpack, halter top, and pants. She is carrying a plastic grocery bag. / MOLLY: Hey babe! I stopped and got us some mu shu. / ROAST BEEF: Oh excellent / PANEL 2
/ Roast Beef is holding the bag and Molly has her hands in her pants pocket. / MOLLY: What's that smell? Did you ride the bus today? / BEEF: Oh uh Showbiz is here he is cooling it on the couch for a while / PANEL 3
/ Molly brushes her hair back with both hands while Roast Beef turns toward stage left. / MOLLY: Your brother? Okay, wow. I wish you'd have told me. I'd have changed after work. / BEEF: Hey Showbiz Molly's here and she brought us some Chinese / PANEL 4
/ Showbiz grabs his crotch with both hands so tightly you can see the outline of his junk. The sound effects say SHAKE SHAKE. / PANEL 5
/ While still holding his junk with his right hand, Showbiz makes the "hang loose" sign with his left. / PANEL 6
/ From behind Roast Beef and Molly: / BEEF: Dude I told you to save me a piece of that gum and you ate the whole pack! / PANEL 7
/ Showbiz points at Roast Beef and Molly. / SHOWBIZ: HNNYAH! / PANEL 8
/ Roast Beef is obviously perturbed. Molly is dumbfounded. / ALT TEXT: {This is the customary greeting of the N'dxchu tribesmen of Brazil.} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11222005 |
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