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Achewood - November 11, 2002 Philippe: Phew! I really thought that flower was pregnant! / Philippe: I mean, it sorta makes sense... all the pollen and stuff, and that birds and bees story... / Ultra Peanut: Hee hee! / Philippe: Surely you can see how a guy could get confused! / Ultra Peanut: You funny FeeReep! You a real Super-size homo jackass! / Philippe: You think I'm funny? / Ultra Peanut: You marry a frower and try to have a baby! You a retard! / Philippe: Ha ha! Yeah, I guess I am a little retarded! / Philippe: <> "What's a guy to do!" / Philippe: <> I guess that I'm retarded But what's a guy to do- / Philippe: <> I like to marry things I find I'm glad that I found you!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11112002
Achewood - November 11, 2002 Philippe: Phew! I really thought that flower was pregnant! / Philippe: I mean, it sorta makes sense... all the pollen and stuff, and that birds and bees story... / Ultra Peanut: Hee hee! / Philippe: Surely you can see how a guy could get confused! / Ultra Peanut: You funny FeeReep! You a real Super-size homo jackass! / Philippe: You think I'm funny? / Ultra Peanut: You marry a frower and try to have a baby! You a retard! / Philippe: Ha ha! Yeah, I guess I am a little retarded! / Philippe: <> "What's a guy to do!" / Philippe: <> I guess that I'm retarded But what's a guy to do- / Philippe: <> I like to marry things I find I'm glad that I found you! / {{alt text: so what if prince charles was bad at cricket when he was 6}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11112002
Achewood - November 11, 2002 Philippe: Phew! I really thought that flower was pregnant! / Philippe: I mean, it sorta makes sense... all the pollen and stuff, and that birds and bees story... / Ultra Peanut: Hee hee! / Philippe: Surely you can see how a guy could get confused! / Ultra Peanut: You funny FeeReep! You a real Super-size homo jackass! / Philippe: You think I'm funny? / Ultra Peanut: You marry a frower and try to have a baby! You a retard! / Philippe: Ha ha! Yeah, I guess I am a little retarded! / Philippe: <> "What's a guy to do!" / Philippe: <> I guess that I'm retarded / But what's a guy to do- / Philippe: <> I like to marry things I find / I'm glad that I found you!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11112002
Achewood - November 11, 2002 [[Philippe and Ultra Peanut alone together]] / Philippe: Phew! / Philippe: I really thought that flower was pregnant! / Philippe: I mean, it sorta makes sense... all the pollen and stuff, and that birds and bees story... / Ultra Peanut: Hee hee! / Philippe: Surely you can see how a guy could get confused! / Ultra Peanut: You funny FeeReep! You a real Super-size homo jackass! / Philippe: You think I'm funny? / Ultra Peanut: You marry a frower and try to have a baby! You a retard! / Philippe: Ha ha! Yeah, I guess I am a little retarded! / Philippe: (sings) "What's a guy to do!" / Philippe: (sings) I guess that I'm retarded But what's a guy to do- / Philippe: (sings) I like to marry things I find I'm glad that I found you! / <> / {{alt text: so what if prince charles was bad at cricket when he was six}} / {{archive title: With Ultra Peanut}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11112002
Achewood - November 11, 2003 Road sign: NOW ENTERING THREADVILLE / POP 2053 ELEV 104 / Nice Pete: Oh we all gonna answer when the big bell rings / Nice Pete: We all got to answer that bell / Nice Pete: That big bell gonna come ringin' / Nice Pete: And send all the children to Hell
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11112003
Nice Pete's Lullaby Road sign: NOW ENTERING THREADVILLE / POP 2053 ELEV 104 / Nice Pete: Oh we all gonna answer when the big bell rings / Nice Pete: We all got to answer that bell / Nice Pete: That big bell gonna come ringin' / Nice Pete: And send all the children to Hell / {{Alt text: A family standard in the Nice Pete home}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11112003
Achewood - November 11, 2004 [[Teodor at computer]] / <> / Congratulations, Teodor! Philippe!@aol.com has sent you SmileCashTM! You have 5.00 SmileBucksTM. Use SmileBucksTM to subscribe to our ShopAwareTM mailing lists! / Please fill out the following to claim your SmileBucksTM: / I am interested in (check all that apply): / Home Loans / Soft-tab Cialis / Windows XP / Genuine* Rolex** watches / <> / Click here to receive your honorary degree in Personal Time Management from the University of Phoenix. / Teodor, your computer is infected with spyware. Click here. / See Sandra Bullock's deleted nude scenes here / <> / Teodor: Philippe! Did you use your emergency credit card to sign up for this SmileCash thing? / Teodor: Well, did you? / [[Teodor glares at Philippe]] / [[Teodor glares at Philippe]] / {{The Internet is like a Sengalese man standing on a Manhattan street corner with a CaseLogic full of Seikos}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11112004
a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11112008">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11112008 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
The Humans Show [[Cardboard TV]] / Philippe: Ha ha! What show is this? / Mr. Bear: Today we're acting like humans! Lie Bot? / Lie Bot: Hey, look at me! I'm a human! Man, this Jeff Beck album really cooks! / Philippe: Ha ha! / Philippe: Hi Lyle! / Lyle: I'm a human! I invented a voice mail system where "7" means "delete"! / {{seven, cell phone, telephone, tie, television, pretend}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11122001
The Humans Show [[Cardboard TV]] / Philippe: Ha ha! What show is this? / Mr. Bear: Today we're acting like humans! Lie Bot? / Lie Bot: Hey, look at me! I'm a human! Man, this Jeff Beck album really cooks! / Philippe: Ha ha! / Philippe: Hi Lyle! / Lyle: I'm a human! I invented a voice mail system where "7" means "delete"! / {{seven, cell phone, telephone, tie, television, pretend}} / {{alt-text: Early adopters will recall this as a bonus comic from 11.12.01}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11122001
Achewood - November 12, 2001 [[Cornelius is inside a cardboard TV set, with Philippe watching]] / Philippe: Ha ha! What show is this? / Cornelius: Today we're acting like humans! Lie Bot? / [[Lie Bot takes Cornelius's place, wearing a tie]] / Lie Bot: Hey, look at me! I'm a human! Man, this Jeff Beck album really cooks! / Philippe: Ha ha! / [[Lyle takes Lie Bot's place, wearing a business suit and holding a cell phone]] / Philippe: Hi Lyle! / Lyle: I'm a human! I invented a voice mail system where "7" means "delete"!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11122001
 
Todd's Gift of Hi-Five Todd: Special delivery for Ray Smuckles! / Ray: What's all this, Todd? / Todd: That's fifty grams of blow is what it is, grandpa! / Ray: Man, you dumbass squirrels ain't nothin' but trouble! I don't want any of this! / Ray: I start doing coke, next thing you know it's a bandana and a needle full of Hi-Five! / Ray: Two weeks later I wake up in a tub full of ice, barely able to bid for my own kidneys on eBay!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11122002
Todd's Gift of Hi-Five [[Ray at the piano]] / <> / [[Todd's van screeches to a halt on top of the piano. Ray watches in surprise.]] / <> / [[Todd pushes a bag out of the back of the van.]] / Todd: Special delivery for Ray Smuckles! / Ray: What's all this, Todd? / Todd: That's fifty grams of blow is what it is, grandpa! / Ray: Man, you dumbass squirrels ain't nothin' but trouble! / Ray: I don't want any of this! / Ray: I start doing coke, next thing you know it's a bandana and a needle full of Hi-Five! / [[Ray and Todd stare at each other, arms crossed.]] / Ray: Two weeks later I wake up in a tub full of ice, barely able to bid for my own kidneys on eBay! / {{Alt text: High-Five = HIV}} / {{Archive title: Todd's Gift of Hi-Five}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11122002
Achewood - November 12, 2003 click / zzzzz
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11122003
Achewood - November 12, 2003 [[ A shack at night in the rain, boards on the windows ]] / click / [[ the windows glow with light ]] / [[Nice Pete and Philippe enter ]] / [[ An old man nods at his cash register ]] / zzzzz
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11122003
Achewood - November 12, 2003 [[Super-Secret Ice Cream Shop in the dark and rain.]] / [[The lights come on in the boarded-up windows.]] / <> / [[Phillipe looking surprised, Nice Pete standing behind him.]] / [[Old fat cat with suspenders and buttoned-up shirt is asleep behind the register of an old-fashioned ice cream stand.]] / <>
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11122003
Achewood - November 12, 2004 Pat: Thank you for coming over, Roast Beef. I made us some bulgur salad as a reward for when we get done reviewing my tax return. / Beef: Say hi Weldon / <> / Pat: You can tie that thing to the porch. / Beef: Man don't call Weldon "that thing" he is my little guy and he's housebroken besides / Pat: Well, filthy creatures ain't allowed in the house. Come along. / Beef: You dis my dog you fluff my hog / Pat: WHAT?! What did you just say to me? / [[Beef grabbing Pat's shoulder]] / Beef: I said that if you speak against Weldon then you are about to enter a world where the only activity that exists is tasting my hog / {{Look, it's simple. If you dis my dog, then you fluff my hog.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11122004
Achewood - November 12, 2007 [[A computer screen shows an eBay page. At the top reads "You are signed in as OrganizedMan" Below reads, "item #90824357032: CHEESE MADE FROM THE BREAST MILK OF RAY SMUCKLES' MOM. We have two lots of cheese made from the breast milk of ray smuckles' mom. milk was collected in early 70s from a pumping and found left in a san francisco motel fridge cheese looks like white lumps in cloudy liquid and"]] / [[Ray is sitting in front of a computer and looks shocked]] / [[On the phone]] / Ray: PICK UP PICK UP PICK UP EBAY. TODAY IS THE DAY YOU PICK UP. PICK UP PICK UP PICK UP. EBAY PICK UP. / [[Still on the phone, the right half of the panel shows a photo of a tall building with the caption "ebay headquarters"]] / Ray: Hi. Awesome. Great. Thanks for picking up. Meg Whitman please. CEO of your company. Flat regular lady business hair, probably a Maserati. Just find her. / Narration: One panel later / Ray: Meg? Baby. PLEASE don't sell my mama's milk, PLEASE don't sell my mama's cheese. PLEASE, baby girl. <> / [[Holding phone lower/hung up]] / Ray (thinking): Crap I panicked. I called too soon, too uncollected. Now I blew it and I got to buy my mama's cheese. / {{alt-text: You can't have your mama's cheese out there."}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11122007
Achewood - November 12, 2007 [[A computer screen shows an eBay page. At the top reads "You are signed in as OrganizedMan" Below reads, "item #90824357032: CHEESE MADE FROM THE BREAST MILK OF RAY SMUCKLES' MOM. We have two lots of cheese made from the breast milk of ray smuckles' mom. milk was collected in early 70s from a pumping and found left in a san francisco motel fridge cheese looks like white lumps in cloudy liquid and"]] / [[Ray is sitting in front of a computer and looks shocked]] / [[On the phone]] / Ray: PICK UP PICK UP PICK UP EBAY. TODAY IS THE DAY YOU PICK UP. PICK UP PICK UP PICK UP. EBAY PICK UP. / [[Still on the phone, the right half of the panel shows a photo of a tall building with the caption "ebay headquarters"]] / Ray: Hi. Awesome. Great. Thanks for picking up. Meg Whitman please. CEO of your company. Flat regular lady business hair, probably a Maserati. Just find her. / Narration: One panel later / Ray: Meg? Baby. PLEASE don't sell my mama's milk, PLEASE don't sell my mama's cheese. PLEASE, baby girl. <> / [[Holding phone lower/hung up]] / Ray (thinking): Crap I panicked. I called too soon, too uncollected. Now I blew it and I got to buy my mama's cheese. / {{alt-text: You can't have your mama's cheese out there."}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11122007
He is strange in his sleep [[Mr. Bear sleeping]] / Téodor: Watch this. He says crazy things if you mess with him. / <> / [[Téodor pokes Mr. Bear]] / <> / Mr. Bear: Whuh? What's in that syringe? Liquid sourdough bread? Get that away from me zzzz / {{mattress, poker, stick, pointer, pointed, dream, asleep, babble}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11132001
Achewood - November 13, 2001 [[Cornelius is sleeping. Téodor and Philippe are standing next to the bed]] / Cornelius: <> / Téodor: Watch this. He says crazy things if you mess with him. / [[Téodor pokes Cornelius]] / Cornelius: <> / Cornelius: Whuh? What's in that syringe? Liquid sourdough bread? Get that away from me zzzz
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11132001
 
Achewood - November 13, 2003 [[ The old man snores at his cash register ]] / << Zzzzzz >> / [[ The old man slaps at his chest ]] / << smack smack >> / [[ He opens his eyes and looks down blearily]] / << snif >> / [[ Philippe stands shivering in his bumblebee suit ]] / [[ The glasses sit on the shelf, promises of Gelato long in the past ]] / [[ The old man at the cash register, now fully awake, surveys Philippe ]]
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11132003
Achewood - November 13, 2003 [[ The old man snores at his cash register ]] / << Zzzzzz >> / [[ The old man wakes up, smacking his lips. ]] / << smack smack >> / [[ He opens his eyes and looks down blearily]] / << snif >> / [[ Philippe stands shivering in his bumblebee suit ]] / [[ The glasses sit on the shelf, promises of Gelato long in the past. A spider's web hangs from the shelf, and the wallpaper is peeling. ]] / [[ The old man at the cash register, now fully awake, glares at Philippe ]] / {{ ... }}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11132003
When geniuses and trucking collide. [[Half the panel is a picture of the book "A Hilarious Comedy" by Nice Pete, the other half shows part of Chapter 1. Halfway through the first page, there is an illustration of two men with moustaches]] / A Hilarious Comedy: The truck driver felt bad about what he was doing, but at the same time was glad no-one was bothering him, for what he was doing was a crime. / "Hello" said the truck driver, whose name was Alan, as he unloaded the burlap package from the sleeper cab of his '91 Peterbilt "Sorry," he seemed to say. / Alan drove a route called the Piccolo Pete for ConFlavin, America's largest distributor of chicken meat. He was a good man, and union, but he was not the most careful of fellows, and sad to say but he was not the sharpest knife in the drawer. He often ran afoul of the powers that be and his paperwork was, heh, well, shucks. It was often the subject of jokes at truck stops along the Piccolo Pete, where Alan was routinely seen pulled over and puzzling on a ledger while the bear stood there with his arms folded, barely able to contain his laughter. It was good times, and full of fun, but one sensed that all the constant guffaws built up in Alan. Not a lot, and not too quick, but some. / Chapter 2: / Jericho Smalls stood sat alone in a window booth at the Dixie May truck stop in Conetta, Alabama. A genius, he played chess against himself on a chessboard that sat atop a Lazy Susan. Several Empty / {{title text- This tale may sour on your geniuses}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11132006
When geniuses and trucking collide. [[Half the panel is a picture of the book "A Hilarious Comedy" by Peter H. Cropes (aka Nice Pete), the other half shows part of Chapter 1. Halfway through the first page, there is an illustration of two men with moustaches]] / A Hilarious Comedy: The truck driver felt bad about what he was doing, but at the same time was glad no-one was bothering him, for what he was doing was a crime. / "Hello" said the truck driver, whose name was Alan, as he unloaded the burlap package from the sleeper cab of his '91 Peterbilt "Sorry," he seemed to say. / Alan drove a route called the Piccolo Pete for ConFlavin, America's largest distributor of chicken meat. He was a good man, and union, but he was not the most careful of fellows, and sad to say but he was not the sharpest knife in the drawer. He often ran afoul of the powers that be and his paperwork was, heh, well, shucks. It was often the subject of jokes at truck stops along the Piccolo Pete, where Alan was routinely seen pulled over and puzzling on a ledger while the bear stood there with his arms folded, barely able to contain his laughter. It was good times, and full of fun, but one sensed that all the constant guffaws built up in Alan. Not a lot, and not too quick, but some. / Chapter 2: / Jericho Smalls stood sat alone in a window booth at the Dixie May truck stop in Conetta, Alabama. A genius, he played chess against himself on a chessboard that sat atop a Lazy Susan. Several Empty / {{title text- This tale may sour on your geniuses}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11132006
Achewood - November 13, 2007 - 'He Meets Him' [[Ray is sitting inside a 10 gallon cooler with one fist raised, "2008" is painted on the front of the cooler. The cooler also contains some soda bottles to his left.]] / [[Cornelius is holding a letter]] / Cornelius: Ray? Curious letter for you. What...what am I interrupting? / Ray: Oh, just workin' on ideas for my New Years card. Got my childhood cooler here. / Cornelius: Very good. I note that the address is actually typed on a 1903 Hellerbach, meaning this isn't some sort of misleading mortgage advertisement. / Ray [[reaching for letter]]: Oh, you'd be surprised. They can do anything these days. / [[Close-up view of letter reads: Hello Ray, My name is Dornheim. My father, Ramses Luther Smuckles, suggested to me that we may be half-brothers. I'm coming through your area tomorrow and would like to have lunch or a beer. I'll stop by at noon. -- Dornheim. Ps. nice work w/ the GOF.]] / Narrator: The next day. / [[Dornheim is at Ray's front door. They are shaking hands.]] / Dornheim: Hi, Ray. Dornheim. Got time for lunch or a beer? I saw a few places within five miles. We can take my Honda. / Narrator: So. / [[A diner seen from some distance, it is nighttime]] / Dornheim: No, the service ceiling of the F/A-18 Hornet is only 50,000 feet, so a rogue Blue Angel wouldn't pose any threat to an orbiting Space Shuttle. / Ray: But what about its missiles?! / Dornheim: Good question, but the F/A doesn't carry hardpoints that can function in zero gravity. / {{alt-text: Ray takes this opportunity to do some research for his screenplay where a rogue Blue Angel attacks the Space Shuttle. Nicolas Cage ensues.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11132007
Achewood - November 13, 2007 - 'He Meets Him' [[Ray is sitting inside a 10 gallon cooler with one fist raised, "2008" is painted on the front of the cooler. The cooler also contains some soda bottles to his left.]] / [[Cornelius is holding a letter]] / Cornelius: Ray? Curious letter for you. What...what am I interrupting? / Ray: Oh, just workin' on ideas for my New Years card. Got my childhood cooler here. / Cornelius: Very good. I note that the address is actually typed on a 1903 Hellerbach, meaning this isn't some sort of misleading mortgage advertisement. / Ray [[reaching for letter]]: Oh, you'd be surprised. They can do anything these days. / [[Close-up view of letter reads: Hello Ray, My name is Dornheim. My father, Ramses Luther Smuckles, suggested to me that we may be half-brothers. I'm coming through your area tomorrow and would like to have lunch or a beer. I'll stop by at noon. -- Dornheim. Ps. nice work w/ the GOF.]] / Narrator: The next day. / [[Dornheim is at Ray's front door. They are shaking hands.]] / Dornheim: Hi, Ray. Dornheim. Got time for lunch or a beer? I saw a few places within five miles. We can take my Honda. / Narrator: So. / [[A diner seen from some distance, it is nighttime]] / Dornheim: No, the service ceiling of the F/A-18 Hornet is only 50,000 feet, so a rogue Blue Angel wouldn't pose any threat to an orbiting Space Shuttle. / Ray: But what about its missiles?! / Dornheim: Good question, but the F/A doesn't carry hardpoints that can function in zero gravity. / {{alt-text: Ray takes this opportunity to do some research for his screenplay where a rogue Blue Angel attacks the Space Shuttle. Nicolas Cage ensues.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11132007
Todd the Squirrel [[At windowsill]] / Téodor: So, Todd, how is this year's acorn crop? / Todd: It's frikkin' AWESOME! / Todd: I found like twelve acorns, and also I found an-an-an old dead body! / Téodor: Really? / Todd: It-it-it was my cousin Frankie! Cousin Frankie! / Téodor: Oh! A dead squirrel body. I thought you meant like a real dead body. / Todd: Whaddaya mean, "real" dead body? He was my frikkin' cousin! Are you some kinda jerk or what? / Téodor: Hey, whoah. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way. How did your cousin die? / Todd: He was 'sploded by a car. / {{exploded, freakin', freaking, whoa, franky, acorns, window, ledge, stutter}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11142001
Achewood - November 14, 2001 [[At windowsill]] / Téodor: So, Todd, how is this year's acorn crop? / Todd: It's frikkin' AWESOME! / Todd: I found like twelve acorns, and also I found an-an-an old dead body! / Téodor: Really? / Todd: It-it-it was my cousin Frankie! Cousin Frankie! / Téodor: Oh! A dead squirrel body. I thought you meant like a real dead body. / Todd: Whaddaya mean, "real" dead body? He was my frikkin' cousin! Are you some kinda jerk or what? / Téodor: Hey, whoah. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way. How did your cousin die? / Todd: He was 'sploded by a car.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11142001
Achewood - November 14, 2002 [[Ray enters from left wearing robe with musical notes on it, open in front. Roast Beef seated, wearing short-sleeved, button-front shirt with thin, black tie.]] / Ray: Hey hey hey, Roast Beef! How's my music video script comin'? / Roast Beef: Uh pretty slow. I ain't too good at this Ray. / [[Ray grabs sheet of paper, Roast Beef tries to hold it back.]] / Ray: Aww baloney! Here, let me see that! / Roast Beef: Oh gosh man I ain't barely even started. / [[Ray in forward-leaning stance with head waggle, Roast Beef with eyes screwed shut in embarrassment.]] / Ray: Now let's just see what we got heah'! / [[Ray holding sheet paper at arm's length, eyebrows raised.]] / [[Close-up of sheet of paper held by Ray, Roast Beef visible beyond paper on right side with expectant or hopeful look on his face.]] / Text on paper: Things Ray Could do in his video / 1. Explore a farm (carrots, etc) / 2. Take a retarded child camping / 3. Sort of a tribute thing to Helen Keller (AT END: PLACE A ROSE ON HER GRAVE) / {{Title or meta-text: roast beef has only ever watched PBS}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11142002
 
Achewood - November 14, 2003 [[It is night. Rain falls on a small cabin]] / [[Philippe, clad in a bee costume, opens the door and runs outside]] / [[Nice Pete stands in the doorway]] / [[Philippe is behind the wheel of Nice Pete's van]] / <>
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11142003
Achewood - November 14, 2003 [[It is night. Rain falls on a small cabin]] / [[Philippe, clad in a bee costume, opens the door and runs outside]] / [[Nice Pete stands in the doorway]] / [[Philippe is behind the wheel of Nice Pete's van]] / <> / {{Philippe, Nice Pete, bee}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11142003
Achewood - November 14, 2003 [[The Super-Secret Ice Cream Shop, a small cabin with lights on in the boarded-up windows, stands in the dark and rain.]] / [[Philippe, clad in a bee costume, slams the door open and runs outside.]] / <> / [[Nice Pete stands in the doorway.]] / [[Philippe is behind the wheel of Nice Pete's van, looking scared as he tries to start the engine.]] / <> / {{...!}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11142003
Achewood - November 14, 2005 Showbiz: Man, I got the skitters somethin' awful! What was that cheese called again? / Roast Beef: You might be the only guy on earth ever spread brie on a hot dog bun / Showbiz: I thought that shit was just old mayo! / Roast Beef: That don't exactly explain why you tried to eat it / Showbiz: I'm bored! Let's go pick us up some poontang! / Roast Beef: You shouldn't hit on chicks if you have the runs man think about the outcome / Showbiz: I do it all the time! Hella works! / Showbiz: Hey, I'm gonna make a million bucks! You know how? / Showbiz: There's no place to learn how to rob a bank! We could run a secret school! No questions asked! / Showbiz: Ad in the back of Soldier of Fortune, man! / Showbiz: Stand behind the couch, pretend you're a teller! / Showbiz: Come on! / SOON. / Showbiz: Fuck you! Give me the money, idiot! I'm from Switzerland! / Roast Beef: Showbiz why are you mentioning Switzerland / Showbiz: Sounds scary! / Showbiz: Freaks 'em out! / Roast Beef: Switzerland is a place where old men eat chocolate / Showbiz: Alright, so I'm from Cozumel then! Give me the money, idiot! / Roast Beef: Are those the only two foreign places you can think of? / Showbiz: POW!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11142005
Jack and Diane Party [[Roast Beef and Molly are dressed like Rednecks. Roast Beef is on the phone]] / Roast Beef: Dogg check it out Molly and me are having a Jack and Diane party / [[There are two white gloves in a black panel]] / [[The two white gloves came together in a clap]] / <> / [[Another view of Roast Beef and Molly]] / Roast Beef: Naw man we all set you ain't got to bring nothin' but yourself / [[Two white gloves in a black panel]] / [[The white gloves clap at the top of the screen]] / <> / [[The white gloves clap at the bottom of the screen]] / <> / [[Molly and Roast Beef are seen again,next to Teodor, who is standing in a black box wearing a black suit and white gloves. These are the clapping hands from earlier]] / Roast Beef: Cool man see you in a few / {{title text- Is Jack and Diane the prequel to the Deerhunter?}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11142006
Jack and Diane Party [[Roast Beef wears a black mullet wig, a gas station workshirt with the sleeves torn off and wristbands. Molly has dyed her hair blonde and wears a tank top through which her nipples are visible. Molly has a drink and Roast Beef is on the phone]] / Roast Beef: Dogg check it out Molly and me are having a Jack and Diane party / [[There are two white gloves in a black panel]] / [[The two white gloves came together in a clap]] / <> / [[Another view of Roast Beef and Molly]] / Roast Beef: Naw man we all set you ain't got to bring nothin' but yourself / [[Two white gloves in a black panel]] / [[The white gloves clap at the top of the screen]] / <> / [[The white gloves clap at the bottom of the screen]] / <> / [[Molly and Roast Beef are seen again,next to Teodor, who is standing in a black box wearing a black suit and white gloves. His are the clapping hands from earlier]] / Roast Beef: Cool man see you in a few / {{title text- Is Jack and Diane the prequel to the Deerhunter?}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11142006
Guy Talk DORNHEIM: You can't be serious. You drive a Cadillac Escalade? / RAY: Made in America, bomb-shiggedy! / DORNHEIM: Actually, your Escalade was assembled at the GM plant in Mexico, from God knows what. / DORNHEIM: GM isn't going to do anything to disabuse you of your "all-American" assumptions, of course. / DORNHEIM: The best thing that can be said about the Escalade is that it has the fuel economy of an oil fire and handles like a Best Western. / RAY: Daaang, Dornheim! Cars, planes, politics, newspapers... you know goddamn everything! / RAY: Tell me this, though. / RAY: All cars are, like, internal combustion, right? / DORNHEIM: The most successful ones, yes. / RAY: What would an EXTERNAL combustion engine be like? / [[DORNHEIM thinking]] / [[a car]] / <> / [[the engine of the car explodes]] / [[its occupant flees, afire, from the flaming wreck]] / {{alt text: Dornheim and Ray will not start a company which manufactures external combustion engines.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11142007
International relations primer Philippe: Lie bot, do other people really want to kill Americans? / Lie Bot: Oh hell yes! / Philippe: How come? / Lie Bot: Because we're so superior! We've got big vocabularies and we get fresh with the fine women! / Philippe: I don't have a big vocabulary. / Lie Bot: But you still get fresh with the fine women, right? / Philippie: I think so / {{superiority, Liebot}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11152001
Achewood - November 15, 2001 Philippe: Lie Bot, do other people really want to kill Americans? / Lie Bot: Oh hell yes! / Philippe: How come? / Lie Bot: Because we're so superior! We've got big vocabularies and we get fresh with the fine women! / Philippe: I don't have a big vocabulary. / Lie Bot: But you still get fresh with the fine women, right? / Philippie: I think so
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11152001
 
Achewood - November 15, 2002 [[Ray is wearing a kimono and holding Roast Beef's list of music video ideas.]] / Ray: Beef, you got the wrong idea about music videos! / Ray: Now why don't you just try again! I know you can do better! / Roast Beef: Shucks man I don't know about this / Ray: Just make it fun to watch! That's all people want! Just make it a party! / [[Ray whirls away. Roast Beef looks perplexed and upset.]] / [[LATER THAT NIGHT]] / [[Roast Beef is furiously typing at his computer, looking exhausted and determined.]] / <> / [[We see a printed sheet of paper outlining Roast Beef's new music video idea.]] / Paper: SCENE ONE / Paper: Ray goes to his favorite childhood chinese restaurant / Paper: But it is out of business / Paper: He's all like "Enough o' this!" / Paper: He sets up his piano inside and starts to play / Paper: All these people show up and are all dancing (to the music) / Paper: Suddenly the restaurant is in business again / Paper: CON'T / Paper: The chinese chef is dancing around with everyone and holding a ladle, all goin' nuts / Paper: Ray sees a beautiful lady / Paper: They get into a limo; the limo peels out (lots of smoke) / Paper: A child picks up a faded chinese menu, looks up / Paper: The restaurant is out of business again / Paper: It was all a dream...OR WAS IT? / Paper: END / {{alt text: beef's magnum opus crossover piece}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11152002
Achewood - November 15, 2002 [[Ray is wearing a robe decorated with tied quarter notes.]] / Ray: Beef, you got the wrong idea about music videos. / [[Ray talks to Roast Beef.]] / Ray: Now why don't you just try again! I know you can do better! / Roast Beef: Shucks man I don't know about this / [[Ray, circling his arms to rally Roast Beef.]] / Ray: Just make it fun to watch! That's all people want! Just make it a party! / [[Roast Beef is thinking, with a worried expression.]] / {{Panel title: "LATER THAT NIGHT"}} / [[The room is dark, and Roast Beef is busy at his computer. The sounds of <> and <> fill the air.]] / [[The new script is shown. Page one reads: / SCENE ONE / Ray goes to his favorite childhood chinese restaurant / But it is out of business / He's all like, "Enough o' THIS!" / He sets up his piano inside and starts to play / All these people show up and are all dancing (to the music) / Suddenly the restaurant is in business again]] / [[Page two reads: / CON'T / The chinese chef is dancing around with everyone and holding a ladle, all goin' nuts / Ray sees a beautiful lady / They get into a limo; the limo peels out (lots of smoke) / A child picks up a faded chinese menu, looks up / The restaurant is out of business again / It was all a dream... OR WAS IT? / END]]
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11152002
Achewood - November 15, 2002 [[Ray is wearing a robe with music symbols and holding Roast Beef's list of music video ideas.]] / Ray: Beef, you got the wrong idea about music videos! / Ray: Now why don't you just try again! I know you can do better! / Roast Beef: Shucks man I don't know about this / Ray: Just make it fun to watch! That's all people want! Just make it a party! / [[Ray whirls away. Roast Beef looks perplexed and upset.]] / [[LATER THAT NIGHT]] / [[Roast Beef is sitting in a dark room, furiously typing at his computer, looking exhausted and determined. Panel caption: LATER THAT NIGHT]] / <> / [[We see a printed sheet of paper outlining Roast Beef's new music video idea.]] / Paper: SCENE ONE / Paper: Ray goes to his favorite childhood chinese restaurant / Paper: But it is out of business / Paper: He's all like "Enough o' this!" / Paper: He sets up his piano inside and starts to play / Paper: All these people show up and are all dancing (to the music) / Paper: Suddenly the restaurant is in business again / Paper: CON'T / Paper: The chinese chef is dancing around with everyone and holding a ladle, all goin' nuts / Paper: Ray sees a beautiful lady / Paper: They get into a limo; the limo peels out (lots of smoke) / Paper: A child picks up a faded chinese menu, looks up / Paper: The restaurant is out of business again / Paper: It was all a dream...OR WAS IT? / Paper: END / {{alt text: beef's magnum opus crossover piece}} / {{Archive title: Beef's Video Rewrite}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11152002
Achewood - November 15, 2004 [[Pat on the phone]] / Pat: Ray! This is Pat! Listen to me! / [[Ray on the phone in front of the toilet]] / Ray: JUFF A FECOND 'UDE / <> / [[Pat on the phone]] / <> / Pat: Do I really need to hold during your entire damn morning routine?! / Ray (on phone): P'too! Whew! I feel like a million bucks! Whatchu want, Pat? / Pat: Roast Beef just threatened to sexually assault me! I need your gun! / Ray (on phone): Are you crazy? You know it's a felony for me to loan a gun to a fugitive. / Pat: Oh, so you're gonna play THAT card, huh! / [[Ray on phone]] / You want me to break the law in order to help you shoot my best friend. Help me out here, Pat. At least say somethin' about a Hickory Farms Executive Sampler. / {{Click Here for a summer sausage sensation}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11152004
Rockford Fosgate II [[Roast Beef is working at the computer. He turns his head, surprised, when Ray suddenly enters with an envelope.]] / Ray: Hey, Beef! Letter came for Showbiz! What's goin' on? / [[Roast Beef reaches for the letter.]] / Roast Beef: Oh uh he is travelling for a while and must have had his mail forwarded here sorry about that / Ray: Neat! Where'd he go? / Roast Beef: He uh he is partying down in Cozumel / The chicks there are uh they are just insane this time of year / Ray: Huh, that's weird! I've always heard that the chicks in Cozumel are pretty conservative this time of year! / [[Ray looks thoughtful.]] / Ray: Well, that's Showbiz for you. Guy could party with a Dutch oven if he wanted to. / Life is hilarious! / Ray: Anyhow, here's the letter. / [[Ray continues to hold the letter, but points to it.]] / [[Caption: "SOON." Roast Beef is holding the envelope, and is looking dismayed.]] / [[We see the envelope close up; it is addressed to: / Michael "Showbiz" / 811 Via Vera / Achewood Heights, / 94526 / (Much of the address is cut off by the frame.) / The return label reads "Rockford Fosgate Automotive Audio Systems Department of Collections", and there is a sticker on the envelope reading "THIRD NOTICE".]] / {{alt-text: Please click here to understand the awesome danger of Rockford Fosgate}} / {{link: http://www.rockfordfosgate.com/home/index.asp}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11152005
Roast Beef's Odor <> / <> / [[Roast Beef emerges from the bathroom, arms outspread, Molly waits outside]] / Molly: Sheesh! FINALLY you're done in there! I've had to powder my nose for like twenty minutes! / Roast Beef: Oh uh maybe you ain't want to go in there I mean uh it ain't too cool in there right now / Roast Beef: It ain't the coolest place in town. / [[Molly is annoyed and attempts to push through, Roast Beef blocks her way]] / Molly: Of course it's not the coolest place in town. It's our bathroom. Let me by. / [[Roast Beef's eyebrows raise and eyes widen as he slips into reverie as the frame narrows leaving only his head and torso visible]] / Roast Beef: Jesus woman why are you not getting it. / [[Beef's eyebrows quiver with concern]] / Roast Beef: She can't know that my body can create odors like this. / Molly: Beef? / [[Roast Beef casts his eyes downward]] / Roast Beef: She'll never let me roll in the hay again / Roast Beef: She'll just think of me as a set of bowels with a laptop / Molly: Roast Beef! / [[Zoom back out, Beef continues to block the door as Molly turns on her heel and leaves]] / Roast Beef: I mean if Romeo had a stench like that they only would have needed like the first three pages of that play. / Molly: Fine. You're doing one of your things. I'll go over to Ray's. / {{alt text: What's with the people who always seem to need to sprint in there when you're done? }}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11152006
Roast Beef's Odor <> / <> / [[Roast Beef emerges from the bathroom, arms outspread, Molly waits outside]] / Molly: Sheesh! FINALLY you're done in there! I've had to powder my nose for like twenty minutes! / Roast Beef: Oh uh maybe you ain't want to go in there I mean uh it ain't too cool in there right now / Roast Beef: It ain't the coolest place in town / [[Molly is annoyed and attempts to push through; a panicked Roast Beef blocks her way]] / Molly: Of course it's not the coolest place in town. It's our bathroom. Let me by. / [[Roast Beef's eyebrows raise and eyes widen as he slips into reverie. The frame narrows leaving only his head and torso visible]] / Roast Beef: [thinking] Jesus woman why are you not getting it / [[Beef's eyebrows quiver with concern]] / Roast Beef: [thinking] She can't know that my body can create odors like this / Molly: Beef? / [[Roast Beef casts his eyes downward, as his stress lapses into despair]] / Roast Beef: [thinking] She'll never let me roll in the hay again / Roast Beef: [thinking] She'll just think of me as a set of bowels with a laptop / Molly: Roast Beef! / [[Zoom back out, a thoroughly depressed Beef continues to block the door, oblivious as Molly turns on her heel and leaves]] / Roast Beef: [thinking] I mean if Romeo had a stench like that they only would have needed like the first three pages of that play / Molly: Fine. You're doing one of your things. I'll go over to Ray's. / {{alt text: What's with the people who always seem to need to sprint in there when you're done? }}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11152006
a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11152008">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11152008 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
 
Téodor has met a girl! [[On couch]] / Lyle: I heard you met some broad on the Internet! / Téodor: Yeah. / Lyle: ...so? / Téodor: So, what? / Lyle: So, do you like her? / <> / Téodor: I think about her in my private moments. / {{sofa, beer, skull shirt, dating, girlfriend, girl, woman}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11162001
Téodor has met a girl! [[Téodor and Lyle are sitting next to one another on the couch]] / Lyle: I heard you met some broad on the Internet! / Téodor: Yeah. / Lyle: ...so? / Téodor: So, what? / Lyle: So, do you like her? / [[Téodor stares off into the distance and sighs]] / Téodor: I think about her in my private moments. / {{sofa, beer, skull shirt, dating, girlfriend, girl, woman}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11162001
Téodor has met a girl! [[On couch]] / Lyle: I heard you met some broad on the Internet! / Téodor: [[looks away.]] Yeah. / Lyle: ...so? / Téodor: So, what? / Lyle: So, do you like her? / Teodor: <> / Téodor: [[touches heart]] I think about her in my private moments. / {{sofa, beer, skull shirt, dating, girlfriend, girl, woman}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11162001
Achewood - November 16, 2001 [[Téodor and Lyle are sitting on the couch]] / Lyle: I heard you met some broad on the Internet! / Téodor: Yeah. / Lyle: ...so? / Téodor: So, what? / Lyle: So, do you like her? / Téodor: <> / Téodor: I think about her in my private moments.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11162001
Scan of first character study page [[A scan of an early page of drawings by Onstad, including various pictures of Teodor (referred to as Theodore at one point), Cornelius, Lyle, Philippe (drawn in older form, wearing various pairs of pants), and some kind of nonexistent bear character named E-BEAR; he may be an antecedent of Ray, as he appears to be wearing a medallion of some kind. There is cursive text on the right, but it is largely intelligible. Our best guess: / "The premise is that the animals are left in their owner's house all day every day. But they are not cleaned up for Gyrated consumption cute and natural storylines." / There is also some kind of drawing of a neatly bisected breast in the top right corner, with completely untranslatable scribblings inside it; the last word of it appears to be "Philippe".]] / {{alt-text: Scan of first character study page}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11162004
Showbiz and the Notice of Collections II [[Roast Beef is holding an envelope and looks pissed.]] / Roast Beef: Uh Showbiz is there something you want to tell me / [[Showbiz points his finger at Roast Beef like a gun.]] / Showbiz: Yeah! It'd be super hot to do a chick in a dressing room! / <> / Roast Beef: I mean about this collections letter from Rockford Fosgate car audio / [[Showbiz points his finger at Roast Beef's feet and looks surprised.]] / [[Closeup of the envelope, which reads "Rockford Fo [cut off] Automotive Audio Systems Department of Collections".]] / Roast Beef: It came for you in the mail. / [[Showbiz looks around paranoidally.]] / Showbiz: They found me?! How the hell'd they find me? Shit, man! Kill the lights! / Roast Beef: I thought you said you had squared away all this debt with them / Showbiz: I...I did, man! But...but I just couldn't stop! I just kept goin' back, man! Moth to the flame, man! / Showbiz: I'd have it all paid off, but then they'd release a new 50-watt blue anodized tweeter, and...it was like I didn't have any choice, man! / That shit just clawed at my brain! / Roast Beef: It's okay Showbiz okay now we can help you out you just to go let us / You just got to let us okay / Showbiz: You can't help me, stupid! Rockford Fosgate won't let you! Don't you understand?! / Showbiz: They're about to release a 3600-watt subwoofer with a chain-link grate! / Roast Beef: Maybe if you sell your car plus this speaker gear you can cover all your debts in spite of depreciation / [[Showbiz grabs Roast Beef's chest.]] / Showbiz: Car?! Car? You don't get it, do you Beef! / {{alt-text: The poor brother cat has no car.]]
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11162005
Achewood - November 17, 2003 [[A small shoe kicks at the keys to a van]]<> / Phillipe: C'mon stupid old car! Start! START! / [[Exterior view of the van. It is night and raining.]]<> / Phillipe: Yes! / [[The van lurches backwards. A figure emerges from a boarded up shack with arms waving running towards the van.]]<> / [[View through the windsheld of the van. Philippe in a bumble bee costume steering with his mouth]] / [[Philippe abruptly steers the van in the opposite direction with great effort.]]<> / [[Exterior view. Wide shot. Philippe has turned the van around and he is driving away from the shack. The lone figure stands panting on the road. The door to the shack has closed.]]<>
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11172003
Achewood - November 17, 2004 [[Roast Beef holding a pan of lamb]] / Beef: Okay Weldon now comes the part where we brown the lamb for the moussaka! Ain't that fun boy! Ain't that fun huh! / Gramma K: Roast Beef! Get that dog out of here before it starts biting! / Beef: Weldon doesn't bite Gramma K / Gramma K: Don't you talk back! Now get that thing out of here! / Beef: Weldon isn't going anywhere and that is the final word / Gramma K: Why, the nerve of you! Come over here and get your slap! / [[Beef is pissed]] / Beef: Old woman listen to me. / [[Beef slams door]] / Beef: You have forbidden me from pleasure since the day I was born Now I pay for this house and I pay for your wine / <> / Beef: So as of this day I am the LAW and I am the LASH do you hear me! / Beef: DO YOU HEAR ME! / <> / {{Home-therapied}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11172004
 

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