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Lie Bot, what is the saddest thing Philippe: Lie Bot, what is the saddest thing? / Lie Bot: Philippe, Philippe, Philippe. / Lie Bot: The saddest thing is a retarded man who is crying and promising a broken egg that it will still be a chicken some day. / Lie Bot: And that they'll play together in a field when it gets better. / Philippe: Nooo!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11052001
Lie Bot, what is the saddest thing Philippe: Lie Bot, what is the saddest thing? / Lie Bot: Philippe, Philippe, Philippe. / Lie Bot: The saddest thing is a retarded man who is crying and promising a broken egg that it will still be a chicken some day. / Lie Bot: And that they'll play together in a field when it gets better. / [[Philippe puts is hands to his mouth in shock]] / Philippe: Nooo!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11052001
Lie Bot, what is the saddest thing Philippe: Lie Bot, what is the saddest thing? / Lie Bot: Philippe, Philippe, Philippe. / [[Philippe's expression becomes concerned]] / Lie Bot: The saddest thing is a retarded man who is crying and promising a broken egg that it will still be a chicken some day. / Lie Bot: And that they'll play together in a field when it gets better. / [[Philippe covers his mouth with his hands]] / Philippe: Nooo!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11052001
Achewood - November 5, 2001 Philippe: Lie Bot, what is the saddest thing? / Lie Bot: Philippe, Philippe, Philippe. / Lie Bot: The saddest thing is a retarded man who is crying and promising a broken egg that it will still be a chicken some day. / Lie Bot: And that they'll play together in a field when it gets better. / [[Philippe covers his mouth in shock]] / Philippe: Nooo!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11052001
Piano prodigy [Teodor hears Ray playing the piano like a virtuoso from a distance] / Teodor: Good LORD, Ray! When did you learn to play like that? / Ray: Teodor! Just the man I been wantin' to see! / Ray: Listen, T, do you think we can use that computer of yours to whip me up a CD? / Teodor: Sure! / [Soon] / [Ray puts into an envelope bound for Sony Records a CD entitled "a Sojourn into Destiny" and labeled "Ray Smuckles - Virtuoso"] / Ray: Good-bye Achewood, Hellllll-o Hollywood! / Ray: Good
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11052002
Piano prodigy [[Outside Ray's house. Ray can be seen through a window, playing the piano with a determined expression. Teodor is peering over the fence, looking astonished.]] / <> / [[Inside. Teodor approaches Ray.]] / Teodor: Good LORD, Ray! When did you learn to play like that? / Ray: Teodor! Just the man I been wantin' to see! / <> / Ray: Listen, T, do you think we can use that computer of yours to whip me up a CD? / Teodor: Sure! / [[Ray puts into an envelope bound for Sony Records a CD entitled "a Sojourn into Destiny" and labeled "Ray Smuckles - Virtuoso". The cover has a picture of Ray wearing a cloak and with long hair, reaching for an apple standing on a pedestal.]] / Ray: Good-bye Achewood, Hellllll-o Hollywood! / Envelope return address: Ray Smuckles 811 Via Vera Achewood, CA 84526 / {{Alt text: the most important cat in music today}} / {{Archive title: Piano Prodigy}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11052002
Achewood - November 5, 2003 [[Pat and Arthur are driving a car down a dark road, and it is raining.]] / Arthur: Thanks for driving me home from Support Group, Paaaaat! I usually walk but there's SO much rain! / Pat: Don't mention it, Arthur. / Arthur: I thought you made a real breakthrough tonight when you said that anger is like a sandy beach, and that we have to learn not to go there! / Pat: Thank you. / Arthur: You're WELCOME Pat! Oh Pat, I am SO jealous of your progress! / <> / Pat: Aw nuts, hold on. It's my cell phone. / [[Pat reaches down for his cell phone]] / Pat: Dammit, Ray! You KNOW I only keep this cell phone for emergencies! What's the matter with you? Why did you call me? You KNOW I got a terrible rate plan from Cingular! This is probably costin' me like five bucks! Do you have an apple for a brain? Do you not LISTEN to a word I say?! / [[Arthur is kind of cringing]] / Arthur: Pat! PAT! Don't go to the beach! Stay OFF the beach! / Pat: Yeah, I said it! Apple for a brain, motherfucker! That's right!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11052003
a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/?date=11052004">http://achewood.com/?date=11052004 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
Achewood - November 5, 2007 [[ Ray and Teodor are standing around a futuristic toilet with a helmet and computer screen]] / Teodor: Hey, you got one of those new Japanese toilets! What's it do? / Ray: Well, other than the usual deal, It's got a computer that improves you. Like, if you press this green button with the question mark on it, you get the Word of the Day. / Japanese Toilet: ORALINGUS. NOUN. MEANS, KISSING ON THE MOUTH. / Teodor: That makes kissing sound twisted! There's no need for the word. / Ray: You're probably right. Here, I'll try to get a reasonable word. / Japanese Toilet: ORALINGUS. NOUN. MEANS, KISSING ON THE MOUTH. / [[The Next Day]] / Japanese Toilet: BURRITOLINGUS. NOUN. MEANS, EATING A BURRITO WITH THE MOUTH. / Ray: I am ... SO sorry ... / {{alt text: Toilet Toilet Revolution.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11052007
 
Ordering a pizza [[Téodor on phone; phone book; Lyle watches]] / Téodor: Yes, I'd like to order a pizza with sausages and peppers on it. / Téodor: The address is 62 Achewood Court. Yeah, it'll be cash. The money will be on the kitchen windowsill. / Téodor: Yeah, the windowsill. Just slide the pizza through but don't look inside. / [[Téodor hangs up]] / Téodor: They won't do it either. / Lyle: Dammit!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11062001
Achewood - November 6, 2001 [[Téodor on the phone with a phone book in front of him; Lyle watches]] / Téodor: Yes, I'd like to order a pizza with sausages and peppers on it. / Téodor: The address is 62 Achewood Court. Yeah, it'll be cash. The money will be on the kitchen windowsill. / Téodor: Yeah, the windowsill. Just slide the pizza through but don't look inside. / [[Téodor hangs up]] / Téodor: They won't do it either. / Lyle: Dammit!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11062001
Achewood - November 6, 2002 Ray! Letter for you! / SONY - 11.06.2002 / Dear Mr. Smuckles, True American musical legends are discovered only once in a great while. Elvis Presley, Charlie "Bird" Parker, Ella Fitzgerald... The list is short, but deliciously sweet. / Ray: This is my call-up! / Ray: I always knew this day would come. / When our talent department reviewed the demo you so kindly sent in, they... well Mr. Smuckles, I guess there's really only one way to say it: welcome to the halls of American musical history. / Welcome to the Sony label. / Enclosed you will find a contract outline for your perusal. Please call me at your earliest convenience. / Best Regards,
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11062002
Achewood - November 6, 2002 [[Ray at the piano]] / Voice: Ray! Letter for you! / <> / [[Close-up of the first sheet of the letter held by Ray]] / Letter: SONY - 11.06.2002 / Letter: Dear Mr. Smuckles, True American musical legends are discovered only once in a great while. Elvis Presley, Charlie "Bird" Parker, Ella Fitzgerald... The list is short, but deliciously sweet. / Ray: (thinks) This is my call-up! / Ray: (thinks) I always knew this day would come! / [[Close-up of the end of the letter]] / Letter: When our talent department reviewed the demo you so kindly sent in, they... well Mr. Smuckles, I guess there's really only one way to say it: welcome to the halls of American musical history. / Letter: Welcome to the Sony label. / Letter: Enclosed you will find a contract outline for your perusal. Please call me at your earliest convenience. / Letter: Best Regards, / {{Alt text: a cat in a thong is getting a record offer}} / {{Archive title: The Demo And The Damage Done}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11062002
Achewood - November 6, 2003 [[Philippe and Nice Pete are sitting in a car together, Philippe looks uncomfortable and is looking at Nice Pete]] / [[Nice Pete looks over at Philippe, Philippe's mouth kind of opens in shock]] / [[They both look away from each other]] / [[Close-up of Philippe looking straight ahead]] / [[Close-up of Nice Pete looking straight ahead]] / [[Close-up of Philippe looking towards Nice Pete, kind of distressed]] / [[Close-up of Nice Pete looking over at Philippe]] / [[Both of them look away]] / [[Exterior shot of the van driving down a road. It is raining]] / {{alt text: I know you and you know me and I see you and you see me}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11062003
Achewood - November 6, 2006 [[Ray is watching television, seated, with Teodor beside him, similarly occupied exceptin' for that Teodor is standing]] / Ray: Sheesh, ain't there anything them Chinese DON'T consider a delicacy? Look at this guy on public TV eatin' raw snake cheeks. / [[Looking down:]] / Teodor: They always say the weirdest stuff "makes you strong." / Ray: Well, if that's true, how come most Chinese guys are just average strength? I mean, look at black dudes. Hella strong, yet mainly eat normal stuff like burgers or cake. No way you'd catch a brother squattin' by a river, nibblin' on a snake face. / Teodor: You would if the economy of the brother's village was based on riding a bicycle with no tires past a broken crate. / [[Ray looks downcast, considering the apparently highly depressing broken crate economic model]] / [[Ray shuts off the television via remote]] / <> / Ray: ...Yeah, you're right. I guess I shouldn't be down on the Chinese for just tryin' to survive. Makes me seem small.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11062006
Orange creamsicle alcohol drink [[On table: jug of orange soda, bottle of vanilla vodka, glass. Téodor wears chef's hat. Teodor pours from bottle.]] / Caption: AN EDUCATIONAL INSTALLMENT / Téodor: So let's add: 1 part vanilla vodka, 3 parts orange soda / Téodor: Stir together and drop some ice cubes in. / <> / [[Mr. Bear drinks]] / Téodor: There, doesn't that taste like an orange creamsicle? / Mr. Bear: My heavens! How did you accomplish this nostalgic flavor? / {{nostalgia, taste}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11072001
Achewood - November 7, 2001 AN EDUCATIONAL INSTALLMENT / [[On table: jug of orange soda, bottle of vanilla vodka, glass. Téodor wears chef's hat. Teodor pours from bottle.]] / Téodor: So let's add: 1 part vanilla vodka, 3 parts orange soda / Téodor: Stir together and drop some ice cubes in. / <> / [[Cornelius drinks]] / Téodor: There, doesn't that taste like an orange creamsicle? / Cornelius: My heavens! How did you accomplish this nostalgic flavor?
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11072001
 
Achewood - November 7, 2002 Ray: So what do you think, Beef? Is it a pretty good contract? / Roast Beef: Sheesh Ray / Roast Beef: First of all your royalty got to be a percentage not a flat fee / Roast Beef: And you got to include provisions for future buyout privileges / Roast Beef: Plust it don't even say nothin' about sales performance bonuses / Ray: But check it out, Beef! Red limo! / Roast Beef: Oh hell now / Roast Beef: You just readin' the part that's in bold / {{alt text: The cat in the thong is blinded by greed}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11072002
Achewood - November 7, 2002 [[Roast Beef is reading Ray's recording contract]] / Ray: So what do you think, Beef? Is it a pretty good contract? / Roast Beef: Sheesh Ray / Roast Beef: First of all your royalty got to be a percentage not a flat fee / Roast Beef: And you got to include provisions for future buyout privileges / Roast Beef: Plust it don't even say nothin' about sales performance bonuses / Ray: But check it out, Beef! Red limo! / Roast Beef: Oh hell now / Roast Beef: You just readin' the part that's in bold / {{alt text: The cat in the thong is blinded by greed}} / {{archive title: Record Contract}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11072002
The Super-Secret Ice Cream Shop [[On a dark, featurless landscape, we see a white panel van in front of a tiny shack. Inside sits Nice Pete and Philippe.]] / Nice Pete: So here we are Philippe, the Super-Secret Ice Cream Shop. / [[Nice Pete gets out and opens the door for Philippe.]]<> / [[Philippe hops out of the van.]] / [[Philippe lands with a <>]] / Philippe: oof / [[Zoom to rain drops hitting the black ground]]<><>
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11072003
Achewood - November 7, 2005 Dear Readers: / Our sound equipment was malfunctioning during the following sequence of events, / ...so we apologize in advance that all dialogue has been presented as subtitles. We hope it does not detract from your enjoyment of the following important developments. / -The Mgmt. / RAY (standing): You want to explain just what in the HELL you doin' out here, young man!? / RAY: Whoah! What in the HELL?! / RAY: What in the HELL, Téodor?! / TÉODOR: Hey, have you guys heard of Parkour? / TÉODOR: It's a new sport-philosophy where the urban landscape is treated as an obstacle course! / RAY: Wow. Hold on. Wait. / RAY: You're GROUNDED, dammit! / Ray: UNPH!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11072005
Erotic Wine Tasting [[Ray sniffs a glass of wine]] / <> / [[Ray takes a sip]] / <> / [[Wider shot reveals Roast Beef quizzically watching Ray over a nearby half-wall]] / Ray: Most interesting. Plump, soft white flesh of vanilla and melon yields as a firm hand of chocolate and clove gently pulls the tropical decolletage from her shoulders...it's a forbidden combination, culminating in an explosion of heat and musk. / Roast Beef: Ray what in the hell was that all about / Ray: Erotic wine tasting, dude. I'm in a club. Here, try this one...describe it, but lay on teh sekksy with a trowel. / [[Roast Beef reaches down for the glass]] / Roast Beef: Oh man not my thing but okay / [[Roast Beef holds the glass and scowls. Ray looks chagrined]] / Roast Beef: Bruno was the baddest pit bull in the yard. He wasn't clipped, so he looked like a brown watermelon with nuts. Did the chick dogs want him? Yeah, they wanted him. But he had some wine to taste. Expensive-ass wine from the Asian steppes. / [[Ray looks irritated]] / Roast Beef: Bruno paused. He turned a little and looked at his nuts in the mirror. / Roast Beef: "Now that's what I'M talkin' 'bout," he said. / {{alt text: Roast Beef does some sass on his oldest friend.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11072006
Erotic Wine Tasting [[Ray sniffs a glass of wine]] / <> / [[Ray takes a sip]] / <> / [[Wider shot reveals Roast Beef quizzically watching Ray over a nearby half-wall]] / Ray: Most interesting. Plump, soft white flesh of vanilla and melon yields as a firm hand of chocolate and clove gently pulls the tropical décolletages from her shoulders...it's a forbidden combination, culminating in an explosion of heat and musk. / Roast Beef: Ray what in the hell was that all about / Ray: Erotic wine tasting, dude. I'm in a club. Here, try this one...describe it, but lay on teh sekksy with a trowel. / [[Roast Beef reaches down for the glass]] / Roast Beef: Oh man not my thing but okay / [[Roast Beef holds the glass and scowls. Ray looks chagrined]] / Roast Beef: Bruno was the baddest pit bull in the yard. He wasn't clipped, so he looked like a brown watermelon with nuts. Did the chick dogs want him? Yeah, they wanted him. But he had some wine to taste. Expensive-ass wine from the Asian steppes. / [[Ray looks irritated]] / Roast Beef: Bruno paused. He turned a little and looked at his nuts in the mirror. / Roast Beef: "Now that's what I'M talkin' 'bout," he said. / {{alt text: Roast Beef does some sass on his oldest friend.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11072006
Erotic Wine Tasting [[Ray sniffs a glass of wine]] / <> / [[Ray takes a sip]] / <> / [[Wider shot reveals Roast Beef quizzically watching Ray over a nearby half-wall]] / Ray: Most interesting. Plump, soft white flesh of vanilla and melon yields as a firm hand of chocolate and clove gently pulls the tropical decolletage from her shoulders...it's a forbidden combination, culminating in an explosion of heat and musk. / Roast Beef: Ray what in the hell was that all about / Ray: Erotic wine tasting, dude. I'm in a club. Here, try this one...describe it, but lay on teh sekksy with a trowel. / [[Roast Beef reaches down for the glass]] / Roast Beef: Oh man not my thing but okay / [[Roast Beef holds the glass and scowls. Ray looks chagrined]] / Roast Beef: Bruno was the baddest pit bull in the yard. He wasn't clipped, so he looked like a brown watermelon with nuts. Did the chick dogs want him? Yeah, they wanted him. But he had some wine to taste. Expensive-ass wine from the Asian steppes. / [[Ray looks irritated]] / Roast Beef: Bruno paused. He turned a little and looked at his nuts in the mirror. / Roast Beef: "Now that's what I'M talkin' 'bout," he said. / {{alt text: Roast Beef does some sass on his oldest friend.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11072006
Erotic Wine Tasting [[Ray sniffs a glass of wine]] / <> / [[Ray takes a sip]] / <> / [[Wider shot reveals Roast Beef quizzically watching Ray over a nearby half-wall]] / Ray: Most interesting. Plump, soft white flesh of vanilla and melon yields as a firm hand of chocolate and clove gently pulls the tropical decolletage from her shoulders...it's a forbidden combination, culminating in an explosion of heat and musk. / Roast Beef: Ray what in the hell was that all about / Ray: Erotic wine tasting, dude. I'm in a club. Here, try this one...describe it, but lay on teh sekksy with a trowel. / [[Roast Beef reaches down for the glass]] / Roast Beef: Oh man not my thing but okay / [[Roast Beef holds the glass and scowls. Ray looks chagrined]] / Roast Beef: Bruno was the baddest pit bull in the yard. He wasn't clipped, so he looked like a brown watermelon with nuts. Did the chick dogs want him? Yeah, they wanted him. But he had some wine to taste. Expensive-ass wine from the Asian steppes. / [[Ray looks irritated]] / Roast Beef: Bruno paused. He turned a little and looked at his nuts in the mirror. / Roast Beef: "Now that's what I'M talkin' 'bout," he said. / {{alt text: teh use of gamer typo speak iz so kewl.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11072006
Achewood - November 7, 2007 [[Philippe approaches Ray, who is working at the drawing board]] / Philippe: Ray, what does it mean that Pat is gay? / [[Ray turns to Philippe]] / Ray: Well, uh...you know how you feel when you see a lady? / Philippe: Yeah! Scared but important! / [[Ray turns back to the drawing board]] / Ray:Right, right. Well, when Pat sees a lady, he kinows he's not ever going to marry her. / [[Philippe throws his arms up in elation]] / Philippe: Wow! Like people who can see ghosts, or the future! There should be a movie about Pat's ability! / Soon. / [[Philippe hard at work at the drawing board]] / Philippe: This is turning out great! / <> / [[Philippe's drawing reads:]] / ABILITY MAN DVD / [[...followed by a drawing of Pat and the tagline:]] / They said he was gay. He said he would prove it. / {{Philippe taught himself overlap bubble lettering from a binder he found near a school.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11072007
 
a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11072009">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11072009 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
Poker [[Poker table; Téodor wears dealer's visor; Philippe wears backwards baseball cap; chips, cards]] / Téodor: Alright, I've got a pair of Kings. / Mr. Bear: Three 5's! / Téodor: Oooh! Damn. / Mr. Bear: Philippe, what do you have? / Philippe: What does this make? / Mr. Bear: Let's see. You've got a two...and a receipt for a box of tampons? This might be the worst poker hand ever. / Philippe: I fold / {{cap, game, poker, tampons}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11082001
Poker [[Poker table; Téodor wears dealer's visor; Philippe wears backwards baseball cap; chips, cards]] / Téodor: Alright, I've got a pair of Kings. / Mr. Bear: Three 5's! / Téodor: Oooh! Damn. / Mr. Bear: Philippe, what do you have? / Philippe: What does this make? / Mr. Bear: Let's see. You've got a two...and a receipt for a box of tampons? This might be the worst poker hand ever. / Philippe: I fold / {{cap, game, poker, tampons}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11082001
Poker [[Poker table; Téodor wears dealer's visor; Philippe wears backwards baseball cap; chips, cards]] / Téodor: Alright, I've got a pair of Kings. / Mr. Bear: Three 5's! / Téodor: Oooh! Damn. / Mr. Bear: Philippe, what do you have? / Philippe: What does this make? / Mr. Bear: Let's see. You've got a two...and a receipt for a box of tampons? This might be the worst poker hand ever. / Philippe: I fold / {{cap, game, poker, tampons}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11082001
Achewood - November 8, 2002 [[Ray sitting at piano, Roast Beef smoking]] / Roast Beef: Well uh well shucks Ray / How do you explain that you so good at the piano all of a sudden / I know you never played a lick of music before / Ray: I guess it's like that old joke, "I don't know if I can play the piano, 'cause I've never tried!" / I had just never tried! / Roast Beef: Man think of all the other things you might be good at / Ray: You know, Roast Beef, you might actually be this good at something yourself! / Roast Beef: Oh now you just kiddin' me / Please stop it / Ray: Why, I bet you're this good at computer programmin'! Better, even! / Roast Beef: Aw no man / My code is a dog's code / Roast Beef: It could never make a lady weep / It could never make a homeless man turn his life around and achieve more then any man has ever achieved before / Not like piano music
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11082002
Achewood - November 8, 2002 [[Ray sitting at piano, Roast Beef smoking]] / Roast Beef: Well uh well shucks Ray / How do you explain that you so good at the piano all of a sudden / I know you never played a lick of music before / Ray: I guess it's like that old joke, "I don't know if I can play the piano, 'cause I've never tried!" / I had just never tried! / Roast Beef: Man think of all the other things you might be good at / Ray: You know, Roast Beef, you might actually be this good at something yourself! / Roast Beef: Oh now you just kiddin' me / Please stop it / Ray: Why, I bet you're this good at computer programmin'! Better, even! / Roast Beef: Aw no man / My code is a dog's code / Roast Beef: It could never make a lady weep / It could never make a homeless man turn his life around and achieve more then any man has ever achieved before / Not like piano music / {{alt text: i wish will and grace wasn't on every night i hate seeing it}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11082002
Achewood - November 8, 2002 [[Ray sitting at piano, Roast Beef smoking]] / Roast Beef: Well uh well shucks Ray / Roast Beef: How do you explain that you so good at the piano all of a sudden / Roast Beef: I know you never played a lick of music before / <> / Ray: I guess it's like that old joke, "I don't know if I can play the piano, 'cause I've never tried!" / Ray: (emphasis) I had just never tried! / Roast Beef: Man think of all the other things you might be good at / Ray: You know, Roast Beef, you might actually be this good at something yourself! / [[Roast Beef turns away with a pained expression]] / Roast Beef: Oh now you just kiddin' me Please stop it / Ray: Why, I bet you're this good at computer programmin'! Better, even! / Roast Beef: Aw no man / Roast Beef: My code is a dog's code / Roast Beef: It could never make a lady weep / It could never make a homeless man turn his life around and achieve more then any man has ever achieved before / Roast Beef: Not like piano music / {{Alt text: i wish will and grace wasn't on every night i hate seeing it}} / {{Archive title: In Ray's Shadow}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11082002
Achewood - November 8, 2004 [[Roast Beef meeting Ray at the door]] / Ray: Beef! What it is! / Beef: Man why'd you bring that AIBO over here / Ray: You need companionship, dude! You been one sad mister since Molly left. / Beef: You leave that thing here and it's on eBay faster than you can say Seller Pays Shipping / [[Ray holding up a bag with a 'W' on it]] / Ray: Oh no, Weldon is stayin' with you. I got all his favorite toys and stuff right here, plus instructions. I gotta run. Bye. I gotta go. Call me. / [[Beef looks down]] / [[AIBO dog barks]] / <> / Beef (thinking): Huh is that a USB port Maybe he can be of use after all / LATER. / [[Beef in bed with AIBO by his side]] / AIBO: My father's family name being Pirrip, and my Christian name Philip, my infant tongue could make of both names nothing longer or more explicit than Pip. So, I called myself Pip, and came to be called Pip. / {{A small hound perches in the crook of the knee}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11082004
Achewood - November 8, 2005 [[Teodor and Ray are out jogging]] / Teodor: You grounded him without even knowing what he was doing out there? / Ray: No teenage boy has ever done anything wise near a lake. / Ray: It's my safest course of action. / Teodor: How long's he grounded for? / Ray: Oh, couple hours. I'll make him some Spaghetti's Dad tonight. It's our little ritual - let's him know he's off the hook. / Teodor: Huh! What's in Spaghetti's Dad? / Ray: A steak. / Teodor: A steak on top of spaghetti? / Ray: There's no spaghetti. / Teodor: In your taxonomy, steak is the logical ancestor of spaghetti? / Ray: Teodor, when you talk that way, I feel like I'm sitting on the nozzle of a big metal tank that says YALE. / [[Roast Beef standing near Ray, who is dragging a large metal tank that says YALE.]] / Beef: Ray please man don't do this / Ray: i got to do this ... / [[Ray lowers himself onto the nozzle of the tank]] / Ray: Teodor ... would want it ... this waaaay. / {{Title: Ray sees Teodor as intellectual.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11082005
 
Guinness Book [[Ray is talking to Teodor, he has the phone in one hand and a martini in the other. He is wearing a dark jacket]] / Ray: Okay, if you could be in the Guinness Book of World Records for one thing, what would it be? / Teodor: Looking at the same tit longer than anyone / Ray: I'll set that up if you're serious. / Teodor (on phone, out of frame): Go for it. / [[AFTER EIGHT HOURS.]] / [[Teodor is strapped to a board, he cannot move his head or arms]] / [[An exposed breast is being held in a small opening in the wall, a hand is holding the breast in place, motionless]] / [[IN SIX DAYS' TIME.]] / [[Teodor is still strapped to the same board, he is now shaking and sweating]] / [[An exposed breast is being held in a small opening in the wall, a hand is holding the breast in place, motionless]] / [[Teodor is still strapped to the board]] / Teodor: NOOOO! / [[Ray is shown looking through a small window with a serious expression on his face]]
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11082007
Antiques Road Show [[Sofa, beer, remote control, skull shirt]] / Philippe: Is Antiques Road Show on? / Lyle: Quiet! Law and Order's starting. / <> / Philippe: Oh no! They found a dead person! / Lyle: They always find a dead person. Be quiet. / Philippe: They never find a dead person on Antiques Road Show. / Lyle: Hush! / Philippe: On Antiques Road show they look at a picture or a vase and then they tell the person that is worth so much money that they will always be happy forever. / Philippe: They never find a dead person with a wrench in his head. / Lyle: Well maybe they should! / {{Roadshow, Antique, channel, murder, death, died, killed, kill}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11092001
Achewood - November 9, 2001 [[Philippe and Lyle are sitting on the couch]] / Philippe: Is Antiques Road Show on? / Lyle: Quiet! Law and Order's starting. / [[Philippe and Lyle watch in silence]] / Philippe: Oh no! They found a dead person! / Lyle: They always find a dead person. Be quiet. / Philippe: They never find a dead person on Antiques Road Show. / Lyle: Hush! / Philippe: On Antiques Road show they look at a picture or a vase and then they tell the person that is worth so much money that they will always be happy forever. / Philippe: They never find a dead person with a wrench in his head. / Lyle: Well maybe they should!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11092001
Achewood - November 9, 2004 [[Beef, wearing a shirt that says "I <3 MY AIBO", holding a leash]] / Beef: Come on Weldon let's go for a walk okay boy! / <> / [[Weldon sniffs at a fire hydrant]] / Beef: Ha ha okay check your pee-mail / <> / Beef: Now run around and have just the happiest old time / <> / {{Roast Beef is going around and he is pretty happy and the dog is well taken care of.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11092004
Return of Showbiz [[Roast Beef answers the door and his brother Showbiz is standing there. Showbiz has a horrible moustache and a pony tail.]] / Roast Beef: Dang man I didn't know you were in the area Showbiz ! / Showbiz: Hey Beef! 'Sup, chief? / Roast Beef: I see you have a mustache now / [[Showbiz fingers his moustache.]] / Showbiz: It's the only way, man! Chicks cream over this thing! / [[Showbiz picks up a large duffel bag.]] / Roast Beef: You also have quite the sun tan / Showbiz: Picked it up in Acapulco! Some awesome chicks down there, dude! Think about it! We'll party! / [[Roast Beef reaches out to help Showbiz with his bag.]] / Roast Beef: Here let me help you with your bag / Showbiz: Don't -- / [[Showbiz drops the bag, and a variety of paraphernalia falls out.]] / [[Roast Beef picks up a cardboard apparatus from the bag.]] / Roast Beef: Man you got a lot of mustard and Hunt's ketchup packets / And why you got this cardboard divider from a case of wine / Showbiz: That's...uh...that's my prototype! I sell these to dudes all over! / Roast Beef: Prototype? / [[Showbiz takes the "prototype."]] / Showbiz: It's a 4-sided sign! See, you fold it flat to reveal your message! / [[Showbiz folds the divider flat; it reads: / HOMELESS / GOD BLESS]] / <> / [[Showbiz begins to unfold the divider.]] / Showbiz: Fold it the other direction for bilingual! / [[Showbiz folds it the other direction; it now reads / NO CASA / YO [heart] JESUS CRISTO]] / <> / Roast Beef: What's on the other two sides / Showbiz: It's a little technique I like to call "The Entertainer." Watch. / [[Showbiz flips the divider; it now reads: / WHY DO COW-GIRLS WALK BOW-LEGGED?]] / <> / [[Showbiz unfolds the divider.]] / [[Showbiz folds the divider again, it now reads: / LEARN THE SHOCKING TRUTH: ONLY $8]] / <> / {{alt-text: That is the mother of all unmotivated duffel drops}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11092005
Todd forgot to hibernate Teodor: How's fattening up for winter going, Todd? / Todd: Aw, f-f-fuck! I knew I was forgettin' somethin'! Frikkin' Funniest Home Videos. Now I'm gonna die! / Teodore: Do you need me to cook you a bunch of casseroles or something? / Todd: Naw, way too late. It's over. Promise me one thing, T. / Teodor: Yeah? / Todd: When I'm gone, put a little helmet on me. Put a little helmet on me an' set me up an' hit me with a baseball bat. Be a pal an' do it until I clear the fence. You'd do that for a guy, right? / Teodor: Sure, Todd. You want me to film it? / Todd: Funniest Home Videos, box 2110, Hollywood, CA. VHS preferred. / [[IN ONLY A FEW DAYS' TIME.]] / <
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11092006
 
Threadville [[Ray is driving his Escalade in heavy rain, talking on his cellphone.]] / Ray: Come on, Pat! Focus! / Did Pete have a secret hideout or anything?! / [[Pat and Arthur are riding in Pat's car; Pat is on the phone with Ray.]] / Pat: He...he had a private place, yeah! / He'd go there when he was feelin' down or blue! / Arthur: good! / Ray (through phone): Well, where was it? / Pat: He'd never say...but one time when he came home he was carryin' a Bell Market bag! / Arthur: what? / [[Ray in his car.]] / Ray: Hey! The only Bell around here is over in Threadville! / Pat (through phone): Yeah, and his van always had this dried white mud around the wheel wells! / Ray: Threadville...white mud...the old limestone quarry! / [[Caption: "MEANWHILE." Beef is driving his Galaxie and nervously envisioning a horrific Tetris grid in which the falling block is a nightmarish, unplaceable shape.]] / {{alt-text: Over in Theadville they got a Bell Market}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11102003
Achewood - November 10, 2004 [[Ray on phone]] / Ray: Hi. Specialty MeatCo? Yeah, it's Mr. Red. Password 0509971 / Ray: Yeah, hi. I need you to set me up for Thanksgiving. / Ray: Well, my tastes are pretty traditional, but a plain old turkey just ain't that... interesting, you know? Alternative lifestyle turkeys, huh? Talk to me. / Ray: Nah, I ain't wanna eat anything that was a coprophiliac. We been through this. What other kind of turkeys you got? / Ray: Swinger? Nah. Transgender? No. A turkey that believed in voodoo? Better not. You got anything else? / [[Ray drinks]] / <> / Ray: A gay turtle with a Prince Albert. / Ray: I was thinkin' more along the lines of a prime rib. You got maybe a bi-curious 7-bone? / {{Imagine that nasty little coprophiliac turkey, with all his sneer}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11102004
Achewood - November 10, 2005 Showbiz: So how you doin', Beef? You still into Internet? / Roast Beef: Still pretty into that yeah / Showbiz: Oh! DUDE--does the world have a website?! / Roast Beef: Uh Google I guess. / Showbiz: No, man! A Web page! "The World's Website"! Let's make! / Showbiz: Think how many ads we can sell! No one thinks about Europe, man! / <> / Roast Beef: Uh okay I'll make one later and you can give me your feedback. / Showbiz: Fuck yeah, man. Excellent. I'll check that out. / Showbiz: Let's go to a nude beach, man! I'm serious! / [[Roast Beef looks at Showbiz]] / Showbiz: ZZZZZZZZ / Showbiz: Hey, you know what would be a funny idea you could do on the Internet? / Showbiz: A web page that translates other web pages into [i]British[/i]! / Showbiz: It could add the word "mate" to the end of every sentence! / <> / Roast Beef: Man that was like the second thing Tim Berners-Lee did. / Showbiz: I been pretty busy man. Hard to keep caught up with everything. / Showbiz: It'll all just be TiVo pretty soon, you know. / Showbiz: ...Camel-fuckers! / [[Roast Beef looks agitated]] / Showbiz: If I had a Hummer, I'd call it the Slut Wagon! Heh heh! / [[Roast Beef looks agitated]] / Showbiz: Whose Frenchie fart water?! You keep this around for your bitch? / [[Roast Beef clenches his teeth]]
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11102005
Junk Plucker Ray: Daaamn. Look at this ad here, Beef. The strongest guy in the area says he'll come to your house and pick you up by your junk. One-handed. / Roast Beef: What's the idea / Ray: Doors of perception, life-affirming, challenging boundaries, that kind of stuff. / Also, if you have it done in front of your co-workers and friends, it "fosters respect in a primal way that can't be defined." / Ray: If you think about it, it just makes a ton of sense. / Roast Beef: Sounds like you think you gonna do it / Caption: SOON. / [[Phillipe, Téodor, Lyle, Dr. Andretti, and Roast Beef stand watching.]] / [[A huge, muscled, bearded cat is lifting up Ray by his junk]] / {{title text- Achewood is not responsible for any snappages}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11102006
Junk Plucker Ray: Daaamn. Look at this ad here, Beef. The strongest guy in the area says he'll come to your house and pick you up by your junk. One-handed. / Roast Beef: What's the idea / Ray: Doors of perception, life-affirming, challenging boundaries, that kind of stuff. / Also, if you have it done in front of your co-workers and friends, it "fosters respect in a primal way that can't be defined." / Ray: If you think about it, it just makes a ton of sense. / Roast Beef: Sounds like you think you gonna do it / Caption: SOON. / [[Phillipe, Téodor, Lyle, Dr. Andretti, and Roast Beef stand watching.]] / [[A huge, muscled, bearded cat is lifting up Ray by his junk]] / {{title text- Achewood is not responsible for any snappages}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11102006
Junk Plucker Ray: Daaamn. Look at this ad here, Beef. The strongest guy in the area says he'll come to your house and pick you up by your junk. One-handed. / Roast Beef: What's the idea / Ray: Doors of perception, life-affirming, challenging boundaries, that kind of stuff. / Also, if you have it done in front of your co-workers and friends, it "fosters respect in a primal way that can't be defined." / Ray: If you think about it, it just makes a ton of sense. / Roast Beef: Sounds like you think you gonna do it / Caption: SOON. / [[Phillipe, Téodor, Lyle, Dr. Andretti, and Roast Beef stand watching.]] / [[A huge, muscled, bearded cat is lifting up Ray by his junk]] / {{title text- Achewood is not responsible for any snappages}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11102006
Achewood - November 11, 2002 Philippe: Phew! I really thought that flower was pregnant! / Philippe: I mean, it sorta makes sense... all the pollen and stuff, and that birds and bees story... / Ultra Peanut: Hee hee! / Philippe: Surely you can see how a guy could get confused! / Ultra Peanut: You funny FeeReep! You a real Super-size homo jackass! / Philippe: You think I'm funny? / Ultra Peanut: You marry a frower and try to have a baby! You a retard! / Philippe: Ha ha! Yeah, I guess I am a little retarded! / Philippe: <> "What's a guy to do!" / Philippe: <> I guess that I'm retarded But what's a guy to do- / Philippe: <> I like to marry things I find I'm glad that I found you!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11112002
Achewood - November 11, 2002 Philippe: Phew! I really thought that flower was pregnant! / Philippe: I mean, it sorta makes sense... all the pollen and stuff, and that birds and bees story... / Ultra Peanut: Hee hee! / Philippe: Surely you can see how a guy could get confused! / Ultra Peanut: You funny FeeReep! You a real Super-size homo jackass! / Philippe: You think I'm funny? / Ultra Peanut: You marry a frower and try to have a baby! You a retard! / Philippe: Ha ha! Yeah, I guess I am a little retarded! / Philippe: <> "What's a guy to do!" / Philippe: <> I guess that I'm retarded But what's a guy to do- / Philippe: <> I like to marry things I find I'm glad that I found you! / {{alt text: so what if prince charles was bad at cricket when he was 6}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11112002
Achewood - November 11, 2002 Philippe: Phew! I really thought that flower was pregnant! / Philippe: I mean, it sorta makes sense... all the pollen and stuff, and that birds and bees story... / Ultra Peanut: Hee hee! / Philippe: Surely you can see how a guy could get confused! / Ultra Peanut: You funny FeeReep! You a real Super-size homo jackass! / Philippe: You think I'm funny? / Ultra Peanut: You marry a frower and try to have a baby! You a retard! / Philippe: Ha ha! Yeah, I guess I am a little retarded! / Philippe: <> "What's a guy to do!" / Philippe: <> I guess that I'm retarded / But what's a guy to do- / Philippe: <> I like to marry things I find / I'm glad that I found you!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11112002
Achewood - November 11, 2002 [[Philippe and Ultra Peanut alone together]] / Philippe: Phew! / Philippe: I really thought that flower was pregnant! / Philippe: I mean, it sorta makes sense... all the pollen and stuff, and that birds and bees story... / Ultra Peanut: Hee hee! / Philippe: Surely you can see how a guy could get confused! / Ultra Peanut: You funny FeeReep! You a real Super-size homo jackass! / Philippe: You think I'm funny? / Ultra Peanut: You marry a frower and try to have a baby! You a retard! / Philippe: Ha ha! Yeah, I guess I am a little retarded! / Philippe: (sings) "What's a guy to do!" / Philippe: (sings) I guess that I'm retarded But what's a guy to do- / Philippe: (sings) I like to marry things I find I'm glad that I found you! / <> / {{alt text: so what if prince charles was bad at cricket when he was six}} / {{archive title: With Ultra Peanut}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11112002
 

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