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| Achewood - October 29, 2003 | [[Nice Pete and Teodor around Teodor's computer]]
/ Nice Pete: Oh hell man enough about me how about you Teodor
/ Nice Pete: Where you from / Teodor: My parents came over from Minsk just before I was born-- / Teodor: Mom worked in a bakery and Dad was an actuary for a big insurance company.
/ Teodor: I guess we were pretty comfortable. / Nice Pete: An actuary huh
/ Nice Pete: So like he created big tables of life expectancies based on lifestyle variables and such / Nice Pete: Like whether a man lived in an urban area or commuted more than five miles a day
/ Teodor: Basically. It could be pretty grim around our house. / [[cut to photo of the Orezscu family, the parents holding little Teodor]]
/ Teodor [[offscreen]]: One time he found a pack of Camels in my room when I wasn't around--
/ Teodor: Later I found him sitting on my bed, crying over old family photos. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10292003 |
| Achewood - October 29, 2004 | [[Outside the Smoke]] / [[Ray and Roast Beef at the bar]]
/ Ray: Kelly! Give this guy Jagers until he can't say Molecule!
/ Roast Beef: Oh dang man is that Molly / Molly: Hey, Beef, can we talk?
/ Roast Beef: Oh uh I um I have this song about to come up on the jukebox / Molly: Look, Beef, I can tell you're not really ready for us to get our own place, and I don't want to force you. I'm gonna get a place of my own for a while, though -- I need it. / Roast Beef: Oh uh baby um uh are you sure if--
/ Molly: My new roommate's here now, you should meet her. She's the hostess at my Applebee's. / Molly: Tina, this is my boyfriend Roast Beef!
/ Tina: Oh no you di'in't! / {{The only thing that could make this better is if Kramer did the Chicken-Dance across the seventh panel}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10292004 |
| Achewood - October 29, 2007 | [[Mr. Bear is sitting in a comfortable chair, reading a book. Philippe approaches]]
/ Philippe: Mr. Bear, what will the rest of my life be like? / Mr. Bear: Well, I suppose you'll enter grade school, where you'll preoccupy yourself with conspicuously eating only the most popular items. / Mr. Bear: Then you'll go to college, where you'll form an experimental band that will do controversial things like play in 15/23rd time and shower together. / Mr. Bear: After college, you'll take a trip to the southern Californian desert where you'll eat plants that your parents despise and realize that you are fantastic.
/ Philippe's Thoughts: ...I always wondered! / Mr. Bear: From there you'll attempt to write the great American novel, and support yourself in ways not of your choosing. Hopefully sooner rather than later you'll crack open a book that is older than Coca-Cola and realize that here under the sun, there is nothing new left to be written. / Mr. Bear: Once you recover, you can just rattle off whatever you like and sell it by the pound. / Philippe: Wow, I get to take a shower with a band? Totally cool! / [[Closeup of a page]]
/ LIST OF BANDS I WANT TO TAKE A SHOWER WITH!
/ by Philippe
/ 1. The Beach Boys.
/ 2. Van Halen - They never have a bad day!
/ 3. Peter Gabriel - he seems very serious and he would probably remember to hang the bath mat over the side of the tub at the end so I would not get yelled at for forgetting.
/ 4. Not Snoop Dogg. I know that he is very tall and it would be fun to play "car wash" walking between his legs, but he smokes drugs so I can't be
/ [[Rest of page out of frame]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10292007 |
| Lie Bot's Shoes | [[Teodor and Lie Bot are chatting in a corner of the room]]
/ Teodor: Cool shoes, Lie Bot.
/ Lie Bot: Whoah -- what the hell, man? Why the hell did you say that? / Teodor: Well, they just looked kind of different.
/ Lie Bot: Michael J. Fox gave them to me! Is that alright with you, Mr. Acid Tongue? / Teodor: You never met Michael J. Fox.
/ Lie Bot: What the hell is this then, NOT the Flux Capacitor? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10302001 |
| Lie Bot's Shoes | [[Teodor and Lie Bot are chatting in a corner of the room]]
/ Teodor: Cool shoes, Lie Bot.
/ Lie Bot: Whoah -- what the hell, man? Why the hell did you say that? / Teodor: Well, they just looked kind of different.
/ Lie Bot: Michael J. Fox gave them to me! Is that alright with you, Mr. Acid Tongue? / Teodor: You never met Michael J. Fox.
/ Lie Bot: What the hell is this then, NOT the Flux Capacitor? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10302001 |
| Lie Bot's Shoes | [[Teodor and Lie Bot are chatting in a corner of the room]]
/ Teodor: Cool shoes, Lie Bot.
/ Lie Bot: Whoah -- what the hell, man? Why the hell did you say that? / Teodor: Well, they just looked kind of different.
/ Lie Bot: Michael J. Fox gave them to me! Is that alright with you, Mr. Acid Tongue? / Teodor: You never met Michael J. Fox.
/ Lie Bot: What the hell is this then, NOT the Flux Capacitor? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10302001 |
| Lie Bot's Shoes | [[Teodor and Lie Bot are chatting in a corner of the room]]
/ Teodor: Cool shoes, Lie Bot.
/ Lie Bot: Whoah -- what the hell, man? Why the hell did you say that? / Teodor: Well, they just looked kind of different.
/ Lie Bot: Michael J. Fox gave them to me! Is that alright with you, Mr. Acid Tongue? / Teodor: You never met Michael J. Fox.
/ Lie Bot: What the hell is this then, NOT the Flux Capacitor? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10302001 |
| Achewood - October 30, 2003 | [[Nice Pete and Teodor around Teodor's computer]]
/ Nice Pete: I guess there were a lot of reasons I finally chose to leave West Virginia / [[Young Nice Pete with flower over a coffin; text is in thought bubbles from here on]]
/ Nice Pete: Ugh
/ Nice Pete: Even in death Mom-mom's eye will not stop Weepin' / Nice Pete [[frowning, with gun, walking toward the visible tail of a dog]]: How come I'M the one always got to shoot the dog when Daddy gets laid off / Nice Pete [[in bedroom, looking into his pants, concerned]]: Oh no I grew Pubics
/ Nice Pete: Daddy is gonna kill me for sure / {{alt-text: That's something we can all relate to - our dads wanting to kill us for growing pubic hair}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10302003 |
| Philippe invents the Dogcken | Philippe: Mr. Bear, what would happen if a chicken mated with a dog?
/ Cornelius: Excuse me? / Philippe: If a chicken mated with a dog! You know! What would happen? / Cornelius: Well, I suppose the dog would be shunned by her peers, and the chicken's friends would consider him quite the fellow.
/ Philippe: No, I mean what would the baby look like? / Cornelius: Oh! I see. Probably an incipient soup of malformed organs and translucent bones. Different animals' genes don't tend to create viable offspring, with the exception of the mule.
/ Philippe: Oh. So not like this drawing? / [[The Chick-a-dog (crossed out) Dogcken: a new animal by Philippe!]] / Cornelius: I'm afraid not, Philippe.
/ Philippe: Shucks. It would be the perfect pet! The un-bitey-ness of a chicken's head, and the "I don't want to cook that"-ness of a dog's body! Everyone would be safe! / {{Alt text: The idea being that chickens tend to get eaten about two weeks out from payday}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10302006 |
| Philippe invents the Dogcken | Philippe: Mr. Bear, what would happen if a chicken mated with a dog?
/ Cornelius: Excuse me? / Philippe: If a chicken mated with a dog! You know! What would happen? / Cornelius: Well, I suppose the dog would be shunned by her peers, and the chicken's friends would consider him quite the fellow.
/ Philippe: No, I mean what would the baby look like? / Cornelius: Oh! I see. Probably an incipient soup of malformed organs and translucent bones. Different animals' genes don't tend to create viable offspring, with the exception of the mule.
/ Philippe: Oh. So not like this drawing? / [[The Chick-a-dog (crossed out) Dogcken: a new animal by Philippe!]] / Cornelius: I'm afraid not, Philippe.
/ Philippe: Shucks. It would be the perfect pet! The un-bitey-ness of a chicken's head, and the "I don't want to cook that"-ness of a dog's body! Everyone would be safe! / {{Alt text: The idea being that chickens tend to get eaten about two weeks out from payday}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10302006 |
| Shampoo | [[Beef is on the phone with Molly outside of a store.]]
/ Beef: Sure I'll pick up some shampoo what kind do -- / Beef: Dang the signal cut out Better get something though cause she said she wanted to take a shower before work / [[Beef is in the Women's Hair Care section.]]
/ Beef: Strawberry and Brazil Nut? / [[Foreground: Hyacinth and Aegean Rain shampoo]]
/ Beef: Man what kind of nonsense is this I mean do you put it on your head or do you put it on some damn ice cream ?! / [[Beef glares at a bottle of Polenta and Fresh Confetti shampoo]] / [[Beef is growing visibly angry at Virgin Hare in Summer Grass shampoo]] / [[Beef has totally lost it over Stolen Moment with a Brookingham Squire shampoo and Wedding at Brookingham Castle conditioner.]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10302007 |
| Achewood § October 30, 2009 | [[An old-style PET computer is shown, thinking.]] / Computer: I... have no complaints. / [[All panels are represented by pieces of dot matrix computer paper.]] / "Todd, i hungry. Any Hot Pocket remain?"
/ C:\> just tha chicken n-n-broccoli one.
/ "Ooh I hate chicken broccoli one. Taste of nasty vegetable."
/ C:\> let's use it ta catch a cow or somethin'!
/ "Ha ha oh good idea! We cook cow on hot stone of river! 'All, Sam Gribley!'" / C:\> whoah, man! Are you c-c-cryin'?!
/ "YOU NOT KNOCK! PUNISHMENT!"
/ Ultraviolet Thunder shoves the picture of Lita Ford under his pillow.
/ C:\> are... are ya sad 'cause ya ain't never gonna bag 'er?
/ "THESE NOT TEAR OF SAD NESS! THESE TEAR OF JOY AT REMEMBER LAST SUMMER WE LAY TOGETHER!"
/ C:\> whatever, pal. whatever y-y-you say.
/ Lita Ford became a woman with the Dear Leader on June 28th of last year, in a summer cabin on Lake Nagnim. It is said that she experienced Total Joy no less than seven times.
/ C:\> whatever, guys.
/ It is true.
/ C:\> great. good story. / C:\> go back inside fortress
/ "TODD! YOU STEP ON SACRED COAT OF LEADER! IS TWO TIME!"
/ C:\> then pick yer frikkin' clothes up, shlobbo! I ain't yer frikkin' maid!
/ "GO PUNISHMENT SIDE OF TREE!"
/ C:\> I'd have ta step on yer jacket again to get out, Einstein.
/ Ultraviolent Thunder pulls the jacket aside with his stocking toe, then points out the door.
/ C:\> north / "Todd where playboy magazine. I serious this time."
/ C:\> I ain't gonna lie to ya, pal. I been usin' it for shitwipes.
/ "YOUUUUUUUUU!"
/ Ultraviolet Thunder attacks you with his shoe.
/ C:\> just the frikkin' subscription cards, man! chill the hell out!
/ "SOMETIME THOSE HAVE TITTY ON THEM TOO! YOU ARE... IDIOT!" / Ultraviolet Thunder sleeps calmly. It is what powers him. Watch his perfect sleep.
/ C:\> so, like, can I ask ya somethin'?
/ What?
/ C:\> yer always stickin' up for this guy. ain't it piss ya off?
/ I... have no complaints.
/ C:\> come on, dude. that thing with him gettin' tha sniffles yesterday 'cause he wouldn't wear mittens?
/ That... OK. I admit... I admit it happens more... more than I can respect.
/ C:\> W-W-What's yer name?
/ I am Lee Sungjae. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10302009 |
| Halloween | [[Mr. Bear, Téodor and Phillippe are looking out the window]]
/ Mr. Bear: Look at all the costumes!
/ Téodor: A ghost, an army man.. hey! That one looks like an otter!
/ Phillippe: ! / Kids: [singing] Trick or treat!
/ [[Phillippe leaves the window]] / Kid: HOLY CHRIST IS THAT AN ALIVE STUFFED ANIMAL
/ Téodor: [angry] Get back here! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10312001 |
| Achewood - October 31, 2001 | [[Cornelius, Téodor and Phillippe are looking out the window]]
/ Cornelius: Look at all the costumes!
/ Téodor: A ghost, an army man.. hey! That one looks like an otter!
/ Phillippe: ! / Kids: [singing] Trick or treat!
/ [[Phillippe leaves the window]] / Kid: HOLY CHRIST IS THAT AN ALIVE STUFFED ANIMAL
/ Téodor: [angrily] Get back here! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10312001 |
| Achewood - October 31, 2002 | [[Téodor is using a cordless phone.]]
/ Telephone: (Chinese)
/ Téodor: Excuse me? / Telephone: Herro! FeeReep Prrease!
/ Téodor: Philippe! Phone! / [Philippe, rushing.]]
/ Philippe: Oh boy! / [[Philippe is using a cordless phone.]]
/ Philippe: Hello, this is Philippe! I am delighted to talk to you!
/ Telephone: FeeReep! I rrrearn Engrish! / [[The caller is pictured. She is using a cordless phone.]]
/ Philippe, over telephone: Is... is that you?
/ Caller: Is Urrtra Peanut! / [[Philippe, on phone.]]
/ Philippe: Ultra Peanut! So that was your name! You know, I felt kind of rude that I never --
/ Ultra Peanut: Yes! OK! I come to visit tomorrow OK bye bye FeeReep! < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10312002 |
| ULTRA PEANUT | [[Téodor is using a cordless phone.]]
/ Telephone: (Chinese)
/ Téodor: Excuse me? / Telephone: Herro! FeeReep Prrease!
/ Téodor: Philippe! Phone! / [Philippe, rushing.]]
/ Philippe: Oh boy! / [[Philippe is using a cordless phone.]]
/ Philippe: Hello, this is Philippe! I am delighted to talk to you!
/ Telephone: FeeReep! I rrrearn Engrish! / [[The caller is pictured. She is using a cordless phone.]]
/ Philippe, over telephone: Is... is that you?
/ Caller: Is Urrtra Peanut! / [[Philippe, on phone.]]
/ Philippe: Ultra Peanut! So that was your name! You know, I felt kind of rude that I never --
/ Ultra Peanut: Yes! OK! I come to visit tomorrow OK bye bye FeeReep! < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10312002 |
| Achewood - October 31, 2002 | [[Téodor is using a cordless phone.]]
/ Telephone: (Chinese)
/ {{你好 = nihao = hello}}
/ Téodor: Excuse me? / Telephone: Herro! FeeReep Prrease!
/ Téodor: Philippe! Phone! / [Philippe, rushing.]]
/ Philippe: Oh boy! / [[Philippe is using a cordless phone.]]
/ Philippe: Hello, this is Philippe! I am delighted to talk to you!
/ Telephone: FeeReep! I rrrearn Engrish! / [[The caller is pictured. She is using a cordless phone.]]
/ Philippe, over telephone: Is... is that you?
/ Caller: Is Urrtra Peanut! / [[Philippe, on phone.]]
/ Philippe: Ultra Peanut! So that was your name! You know, I felt kind of rude that I never --
/ Ultra Peanut: Yes! OK! I come to visit tomorrow OK bye bye FeeReep! < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10312002 |
| ULTRA PEANUT | [[T¨¦odor is using a cordless phone.]]
/ Telephone: Ä㔊
/ T¨¦odor: Excuse me? / Telephone: Herro! FeeReep Prrease!
/ T¨¦odor: Philippe! Phone! / [Philippe, rushing.]]
/ Philippe: Oh boy! / [[Philippe is using a cordless phone.]]
/ Philippe: Hello, this is Philippe! I am delighted to talk to you!
/ Telephone: FeeReep! I rrrearn Engrish! / [[The caller is pictured. She is using a cordless phone.]]
/ Philippe, over telephone: Is... is that you?
/ Caller: Is Urrtra Peanut! / [[Philippe, on phone.]]
/ Philippe: Ultra Peanut! So that was your name! You know, I felt kind of rude that I never --
/ Ultra Peanut: Yes! OK! I come to visit tomorrow OK bye bye FeeReep! < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10312002 |
| Achewood - October 31, 2003 | [[Philippe is dressed in a buble-bee costume. He is running]]
/ Philippe: Roast Beef! Look! I'm a bumble-bee! / [[The back of Roast Beef's head. He is holding a candy bar. We can see Philippe over his shoulder]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh awesome that is so radical Philippe
/ Roast Beef: Here is a whole-size Snickers bar / [[Roast Beef's hand hold the Snickers bar. Philippe jumps with mouth open to accept the bar from Roast Beef]] / [[Philippe is chewing, rather intently]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10312003 |
| Achewood - October 31, 2006 | [[street, bar sign says "smoke"]]
/ [[urinals, ray speaking but not in frame]]
/ Ray: I'm serious this time, Beef! I ain't gonna be able to pee unless you look right in my eyes!
/ Roast Beef: Oh hee man stop it you always pullin' this shenanigan
/ Ray: Not this time, man! If you don't look into my eyes, the urine's gonna rise up into my heart and over-heat it and kill me!
/ Roast Beef: Okay fine but only for like a second so you got to be ready
/ Ray: Thanks, man. Okay... GO!
/ [[drip]]
/ Roast Beef: Hee hee man how you always do that just all DRIP!
/ Ray: I saw a smile! Somebody smiled!
/ {{alt text = Ray has tight drinking tricks}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10312006 |
| Achewood - November 1, 2001 | [[Teodor is reading "Stank" magazine and discovers the clitoris]] / Teodor: Hey Lie Bot, can you tell me what the "clitoris" is?
/ Lie Bot: Sure thing, man. / Lie Bot: It's actually the same set of tissue as the penis, but it starts to form differently in the first trimester.
/ Teodor: huh! / Teodor: What does it do?
/ Lie Bot: You know how frozen turkeys have those pop-out thermometers?
/ Teodor: Yikes! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11012001 |
| Achewood - November 1, 2001 | [[Téodor is reading "Stank" magazine]]
/ Téodor: Hey Lie Bot, can you tell me what the "clitoris" is?
/ Lie Bot: Sure thing, man. / Lie Bot: It's actually the same set of tissue as the penis, but it starts to form differently in the first trimester.
/ Téodor: huh! / Téodor: What does it do?
/ Lie Bot: You know how frozen turkeys have those pop-out thermometers?
/ Téodor: Yikes! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11012001 |
| Achewood - November 1, 2002: what the HELL ultra peanut | Philippe: Mr Bear, I think I have a stomach ache.
/ Cornelius: Did you eat too many sweets last night, Philippe? / Philippe: What? Why?
/ Cornelius: Last night was Halloween, Philippe! Don't tell me that you forgot!
/ Philippe: I guess I did... / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11012002 |
| Achewood - November 1, 2004 | Ray: I look just like Bogart! Pretty cool, huh!
/ Teodor: You don't look like Bogart. You look like you ride a Honda Goldwing and collect swords. / Ray: What in hell are you talkin' about?! didn't you see this hat? / Teodor: Yeah, what model is that? The "Debonair SysAdmin"? Where's your fanny pack and black Reeboks? / Ray: This ain't a hat of computer people! dan Rather cold sports this sick piece on a chilly day! / Teodor: You better take that off before some guy with seborrheic dermatitis and a pizza-goiter adds you to his Livejournal community! / Ray: Alright, you win. Seborrheic dermatitis, huh?
/ Teodor: It's like diaper rash, expcept your parents won't help. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11012004 |
| Achewood - November 1, 2004 | [[Ray stage left, Teodor stage right, medium shot; Ray is wearing a fedora cocked at a jaunty angle.]]
/ Ray: I look just like Bogart! Pretty cool, huh!
/ Teodor: You don't look like Bogart. You look like you ride a Honda Goldwing and collect swords. / [[Ray, medium close-up; agitated and pointing at his hat]]
/ Ray: What in hell are you talkin' about?! Didn't you see this hat? / [[Ray and Teodor, medium; Teodor leans in with a look of mock appraisal]]
/ Teodor: Yeah, what model is that? The "Debonair SysAdmin"? Where's your fanny pack and black Reeboks? / [[Ray and Teodor, medium; Teodor continues to squint as Ray responds]]
/ Ray: This ain't a hat of computer people! Dan Rather cold sports this sick piece on a chilly day! / [[Ray and Teodor, medium; Teodor leans in for the final insult]]
/ Teodor: You better take that off before some guy with seborrheic dermatitis and a pizza-goiter adds you to his Livejournal community! / [[Ray and Teodor, exiting stage right, medium long shot; Ray has removed his hat and is looking at it as he and Teodor walk off]]
/ Ray: Alright, you win. Seborrheic dermatitis, huh?
/ Teodor: It's like diaper rash, except your parents won't help. / {{Alt tag: "There is no diaper bigger than The Internet"}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11012004 |
| Ray's Halloween Costume | [[An enormous cat, vaguely resembling Ray but large, stands silently.]] / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11012005 |
| Achewood - November 1, 2006 | Preview of Cornelius Bear interview in Issue #3 of MWY http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11012006 |
| Achewood - November 1, 2006 | {{ Click here to see a larger version of this upcoming MWY zine No. 3 excerpt! }} / Interview: Cornelius Bear
/ --interview by Ed E. Haskell / Many guys know Cornelius as a dude from around the *place*, an old guy who ain't got no family and rooms with the crew out of simple pragmacticality. You would be all like, "Old dude ain't got a scene, hella sad" but you'd be wrong. Cornelius has been here and there in his months and the dude knows to get into a place where he has what he needs. Turns out he likes livin' with the spazz-spectrum they got goin' on at the Onstad house. Dude likes his space, but also likes keepin' it fresh with the Todds and babies and Métrodors and little otter guys. He is an unusual sort who keeps a lobe open for life, and since around here life is an ambulance eternally carting some dumb idea between two passing-out brains, he gets it like he likes it. He is patient, he is smart, and he is classy. He knows which finger to stick out during tea, and it ain't the one you think. I give you . . . Cornelius Bear. / Interview conducted by phone on October 19, 2006 / [[Three panels: one of Cornelius in an apron making the V-for-victory sign next to Vlad in a wifebeater captioned "Cornelius at the Badass Games," one of Cornelius drinking a steaming beverage captioned "Cornelius having a cup of hot water," and a stark white one captioned "What death looks like".]] / ME: Cornelius what are you doing. Probably every moment is precious at your age. I'm sorry to take up some of them. / CORNELIUS BEAR: I'm having a toaster waffle, actually. I've been enjoying these as an evening treat lately. / ME: Are you serious. After all the chips have been counted, you like a frozen toaster waffle. Even though you have probably had *côte de boeuf à la incendiènne* done tableside at a place in Normandy in the 60s. / CB: One wants different things from food at my age. I've pleasantly found that my palate prefers simplicity, the older I get. / ME: Oh man don't say it. / CB: Indeed. Some mornings, I don't even take coffee. A mug of hot water an a cold towel across the forehead serve as my liaison to the day. / ME: Man now there is a thing. You ain't even need food. Your system is so fine and old that you just need temperatures. / [[ A pull quote: / ME: Which do you think is the healthiest Chinese dish? / CB: [soup] ]] / CB: Well, I don't know if I"d put it quite like that. I am eating this waffle, after all. For lunch I had some penne with spicy sausage that was quite nice. / ME: This is a question. After you eat a pretty hot bowl of soup, do you sweat so much that you have to change clothes? / CB: No. Soup affects me very little, if at all. It rarely involves a change in wardrobe. / ME: Dang then that must be my problem. I always get that Won Ton Soup In Deluxe Fashion from Favorite Wok, you know, for three people, 'cause that's the smallest size they offer. I eat the whole thing up then, 'cause ain't nothin' worse than a day-old won ton. But then I'm like two hundred degrees on the inside, and the yoke of my duds is sweated across like a jogger. / CB: That could perhaps cause some organ damage. If you cook, you will see how readily organ meats respond to heat. I have to imagine it's much the same inside of one's self. / ME: Man so I am cooking my own guts with food that can't be right. That is like backwards divided by two. / CB: Well, it's not likely to be a problem. I just want to indicate that one can off-set one's internal temperatures through volume eating. / ME: Oh man you completely got me in a chunder and that is not even a word from America, it is a word from Australia. / CB: Chunder . . . do you mean that you need to vomit? I believe the origin of the word is nautical, and was employed by the sea-sick who wished to warn those on lower decks to "watch out down under!" At any rate, I don't mean to make you so nervous that you vomit. The body is remarkable about seeking equilibrium, so you needn't worry unnecessarily. Perhaps let the soup rest for ten minutes before eating it, next / . . . Continues for pages and pages in actual 'zine / {{ From the six-page interview with Cornelius in MWY #3 }}
/ {{ links to: http://www.achewood.com/rsrc/img/11012006_lg.gif }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11012006 |
| Achewood - November 1, 2007 | [[Philippe is wearing a doctor's head-light for a Halloween costume while he shows Teodor his candy bag]]
/ Teodor: So, let's see what you got in your Halloween basket!
/ Philippe: Oh boy oh boy! Can I look now? / Teodor: Wow! A full-size Hershey bar? Who gave you -- / Teodor: HOLY JESUS CHRIST IS THERE A BUSINESS CARD TAPED TO THIS FUCKING CANDY?!
/ [[The business card of John Tomino Real Estate - John Tomino, Broker-Owner - is taped to the back of the bar.]] / [[Teodor is on the phone, visibly angry while he talks. Philippe looks on, amused]]
/ Teodor: HELLO, I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE PIECE OF SHIT THAT IS DANGLING FROM THE WORLD'S ASSHOLE? JOHN TOMINO? / Teodor: LISTEN, I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU INSIST ON PULLING A COCK RING AROUND YOUR NECK DURING YOUR MARKETING BRAINSTORM SESSIONS / [[Teodor shakes his fist while talking, Philippe mimics him]]
/ Teodor: BUT I WANT YOU TO WAKE UP TO THE FACT THAT YOU JUST TURNED A CHILDREN'S HOLIDY INTO AN AD FOR YOUR FUCKING REAL ESTATE AGENCY! / [[Philippe closes his eyes and folds his ears down as Teodor continues to shout into the telephone]]
/ Teodor: YOU SEMINAL TURD! YOU PISS FOUNTAIN! YOU'RE TEACHING THE FUTURE TO SUCK AND THE CHILDREN TO SWALLOW!
/ Teodor: I HOPE YOU BOIL IN A BUCKET OF GYPSY SHIT! / [[Teodor turns around and notices Philippe, who is now listening attentively]]
/ Teodor (thinking): Oh, damn. Flouting in front of him like that was probably worse than the stupid card in the first place. / Teodor: You know not to say any of that stuff, right?
/ Philippe: I wonder if Mr. Wizard ever boiled shit! I better go on YouTube! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11012007 |
| Achewood - November 1, 2007 | [[Philippe is wearing a doctor's head-light for a Halloween costume while he shows Teodor his candy bag]]
/ Teodor: So, let's see what you got in your Halloween basket!
/ Philippe: Oh boy oh boy! Can I look now? / Teodor: Wow! A full-size Hershey bar? Who gave you -- / Teodor: HOLY JESUS CHRIST IS THERE A BUSINESS CARD TAPED TO THIS FUCKING CANDY?!
/ [[The business card of John Tomino Real Estate - John Tomino, Broker-Owner - is taped to the back of the bar.]] / [[Teodor is on the phone, visibly angry while he talks. Philippe looks on, amused]]
/ Teodor: HELLO, I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE PIECE OF SHIT THAT IS DANGLING FROM THE WORLD'S ASSHOLE? JOHN TOMINO? / Teodor: LISTEN, I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU INSIST ON PULLING A COCK RING AROUND YOUR NECK DURING YOUR MARKETING BRAINSTORM SESSIONS / [[Teodor shakes his fist while talking, Philippe mimics him]]
/ Teodor: BUT I WANT YOU TO WAKE UP TO THE FACT THAT YOU JUST TURNED A CHILDREN'S HOLIDY INTO AN AD FOR YOUR FUCKING REAL ESTATE AGENCY! / [[Philippe closes his eyes and folds his ears down as Teodor continues to shout into the telephone]]
/ Teodor: YOU SEMINAL TURD! YOU PISS FOUNTAIN! YOU'RE TEACHING THE FUTURE TO SUCK AND THE CHILDREN TO SWALLOW!
/ Teodor: I HOPE YOU BOIL IN A BUCKET OF GYPSY SHIT! / [[Teodor turns around and notices Philippe, who is now listening attentively]]
/ Teodor (thinking): Oh, damn. Flouting in front of him like that was probably worse than the stupid card in the first place. / Teodor: You know not to say any of that stuff, right?
/ Philippe: I wonder if Mr. Wizard ever boiled shit! I better go on YouTube! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11012007 |
| Achewood § November 1, 2008 | [[Ray and Roast Beef standing around, Ray is looking at his left arm]]
/ Ray: Dude, would you ever get a tattoo, Beef? / Beef: Dang man I don't know it would have to be somethin' pretty special to me / [[closeup of a tattoo which reads Salt NaCl -respect- -moderation-]]
/ <<...Yeah...just had this done for my wife's birthday...>> / [[closeup of another tattoo which reads Carbon: Only game in town]] / [[closeup of another tattoo which reads Commodore PET: you saved me from myself]] / [[back to Ray and Beef talking]]
/ Ray: I'm thinkin' barbed wire band on the upper arm.
/ Beef: What's special about a barbed wire band / Ray: Special? What's special is that it looks tough as hell, and chicks will mac all over me 'til my eyes roll back in my head and I groan! / Beef: Man ain't no woman of a decent intellect gonna think--
/ Ray: Whoah, whoah. "Decent intellect"? I didn't mean groan because she won't stop yappin' about Kofi Annan! / Beef: Seriously Ray the Venn diagram of women you and me are interested in has a little overlap in the middle that just says "CALL BOB GIACOMINELLO WITH RE/MAX TODAY" http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11012008 |
| Achewood - November 2, 2001 | Téodor: If you're sick, you're supposed to stay in bed all day.
/ Lyle: Alright.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11022001 |
| Achewood - November 2, 2001 | Téodor: If you're sick, you're supposed to stay in bed all day.
/ Lyle: Alright.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11022001 |
| Achewood - November 2, 2004 | [[Roast Beef on the phone, on the floor]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh uh hey Molly I didn't know you were going to call me just now / Roast Beef: So uh how have things been going at Applebee's and also with Tina / [[TV dinner]]
/ Roast Beef: Yes I'm eating well
/ TV Dinner: QualityTM Hormel Chicken Thighs in White Gravy FULLY COOKED! TEAR-N-SERV! Contains less than 50% sodium by volume / [[Roast Beef on the phone, on the floor]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh you know lots of bran and usually a zucchini at 2pm like the magazines say How about you are you eating well / Roast Beef: Bran looks like... it is these small green pellets / Roast Beef: Okay fine I haven't been eating bran No I don't think I need to lie to you about that kind of thing I'm sorry Alright fine I'm not sorry I'll talk to you later / [[Roast Beef's trailer]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11022004 |
| Achewood - November 2, 2005 | R-R-RRING! / Ray: Yo, Lyle! What's up? I'm kinda busy right now. / Ray: Yo, Lyle! What's up? I'm kinda busy right now. / Ray: Now I ain't watchin' the news! News ain't on at three damn o'clock!
/ You druuunk, Holmes. / Ray: Special report I should see, huh. Well, nothin' doin'. Like I said, I'm pretty busy. / Ray: What? Oh, I'm startin' a comic strip. You ever heard of Google Image Searches? / Ray: Huh? Oh--it's about what would have happened if Washington and Lincoln had met! / WHAT IF THEY'D MET?
/ Historical comic by RAY SMUCKLES / DAAAAAAAMN! / Ray: Nah, I don't think it'll get in the papers. I have the guys cuss at one point. / Ray: Well, I'd have to rewrite the entire thing. I'd rather just let my art live or die as it is, you know? / ALT TEXT: George Washington died December 14, 1799, from a throat infection. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11022005 |
| Achewood - November 2, 2007 | [[Roast Beef and Ray are walking side by side]]
/ Ray: So, like, the king used to have someone taste his food to make sure it wasn't poison, you know?
/ Roast Beef: I've heard that yeah / Ray: But what if the food taster knew to only eat a certain part that didn't have poison in it? What if it was a cahoots-type situation? / Roast Beef: Well the taster probably operated on the understanding that if the king died an he didn't they'd go ahead and kill him too. / Ray: Man, that is way smart of an analogy. Kings were clever as HELL.
/ Roast Beef: Kings were raw. / Ray: How do you even get to be king, anyway?
/ Roast Beef: Just punch hell of suckers in the mouth and tell chicks straight up that you like them / [[Ray stops and has a contemplative look on his face]]
/ Ray: That's what the craziest dudes used to get sent to separate high school for!
/ Roast Beef: Schools are exactly designed to keep dudes from becoming kings
/ Ray: Now I'm actually wonderin' if I even LIKE kings, man. I'll see you later, I got to take stock. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11022007 |
| Achewood - November 2, 2007 | [[Roast Beef and Ray are walking side by side]]
/ Ray: So, like, the king used to have someone taste his food to make sure it wasn't poison, you know?
/ Roast Beef: I've heard that yeah / Ray: But what if the food taster knew to only eat a certain part that didn't have poison in it? What if it was a cahoots-type situation? / Roast Beef: Well the taster probably operated on the understanding that if the king died an he didn't they'd go ahead and kill him too. / Ray: Man, that is way smart of an analogy. Kings were clever as HELL.
/ Roast Beef: Kings were raw. / Ray: How do you even get to be king, anyway?
/ Roast Beef: Just punch hell of suckers in the mouth and tell chicks straight up that you like them / [[Ray stops and has a contemplative look on his face]]
/ Ray: That's what the craziest dudes used to get sent to separate high school for!
/ Roast Beef: Schools are exactly designed to keep dudes from becoming kings
/ Ray: Now I'm actually wonderin' if I even LIKE kings, man. I'll see you later, I got to take stock. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11022007 |
| Achewood - November 3, 2003 | [[Nice Pete and Phillippe are in a van, driving down a lonely dirt road through a rainy night]] / Nice Pete: So then I said Can you put your legs behind your head
/ Nice Pete: And she was like all Excuse me sir
/ Nice Pete: And I was like My tongue can reach into my ears do you want to see
/ Nice Pete: And she goes You're not welcome in this McDonald's anymore
/ Nice Pete: So I was like Well Actually I'm not welcome in ANY McDonald's and do you know why
/ Nice Pete: Then I just clenched my fists and SCREAMED as I stared straight into her eyes
/ Nice Pete: I got in like a good eight second scream
/ Nice Pete: That may not sound like much but try it sometime
/ Phillippe: *thinking* Boy, is this guy talky! When are we gonna get to the Super-Secret Ice Cream Shop already?! http://achewood.com/?date=11032003 |
| Achewood - November 3, 2003 | [[Nice Pete is driving Philippe to the Super-Secret Ice Cream Shop]] / Nice Pete: So then I said Can you put your legs behind your head And she was like all Excuse Me sir / Nice Pete: And I was like My tongue can reach into your ears do you want to see / Nice Pete: And she goes You're not welcome in this McDonald's anymore / Nice Pete: So I was like Actually I'm not welcome in ANY McDonald's and do you know why / Nice Pete: Then I just clenched my fists and SCREAMED as I stared straight into her eyes / Nice Pete: I got in like a good eight-second scream. That may not sound like much but try it sometime
/ Philippe: Boy, is this guy talky! When are we gonna get to the Super-Secret Ice Cream Shop already?! / {{philippe, nice pete, van, ice cream shop}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11032003 |
| Charley Smuckles Suicide Watch '05 | [[Ray is walking along a dirt path, singing.]]
/ Ray: I... / Ray: LOOOOVE... / Ray: YOUUUUU! / [[Ray's phone rings.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11032005 |
| Achewood - November 3, 2005 | [[Ray walking down a trail with a cell phone attached to his thong. He is shouting and sort of dancing]]
/ Ray: I... / Ray: LOOOOVE... / Ray:YOUUUUU! / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11032005 |
| Achewood - November 3, 2006 | Téodor: Whatcha workin' on, Cornelius?
/ Cornelius: Some low-yield romantic pabulum, I'm afraid. More meaningful work has been sparse lately. / Téodor: What's the theme of this one?
/ Cornelius: Two-hundred fifty pages, eighteen hundred dollars. Due Monday, just like the rent check. / Téodor: No, I mean of the story.
/ Cornelius: Ah. Not sure yet, actually. Something about a blind pizzaiolo who travels to this country to mourn his uncle, and he comes across a lady of some sort. / Cornelius: I think she has hip dysplasia.
/ Typewriter: TAP TAP TAP TING!
/ Téodor: Please tell me there's a scene where his "sightless hands" guide hers as they sprinkle pepperoni on a pizza. / Cornelius: There is now! That was rather good! Why don't you try one of these for yourself?
/ Téodor: Huh! / CHAPTER I: UNDER THE ETRUSCAN SUN
/ There was something not quite right about this village idiot. Or was there something oh so absolutely right? Barb, an underappreciated mother of four from Jutes' Corners, Iowa, sized up his fine features, his impeccable manners, his chipped Limoges begging cup and saucer. Was he a man in hiding, perhaps a royal heir who had been disowned because he would not marry without love? If you think he WAS a disowned prince, turn to page 19. If you think he WASN'T, turn to page 112!
/ Typewriter: TAP TAP TAP TAP / {{Choose Your Own Dopey PG-13 Love Adventure}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11032006 |
| Achewood - November 3, 2006 | Téodor: Whatcha workin' on, Cornelius? / Cornelius: Some low-yield romantic pabulum, I'm afraid. More meaningful work has been sparse lately. / Téodor: What's the theme of this one? / Cornelius: Two-hundred fifty pages, eighteen hundred dollars. Due Monday, just like the rent check. / Téodor: No, I mean of the story. / Cornelius: Ah. Not sure yet, actually. Something about a blind pizzaiolo who travels to this country to mourn his uncle, and he comes across a lady of some sort. / Cornelius: I think she has hip dysplasia. / Typewriter: TAP TAP TAP TING! / Téodor: Please tell me there's a scene where his "sightless hands" guide hers as they sprinkle pepperoni on a pizza. / Cornelius: There is now! That was rather good! Why don't you try one of these for yourself? / Téodor: Huh! / CHAPTER I: UNDER THE ETRUSCAN SUN
/ There was something not quite right about this village idiot. Or was there something oh so absolutely right? Barb, an underappreciated mother of four from Jutes' Corners, Iowa, sized up his fine features, his impeccable manners, his chipped Limoges begging cup and saucer. Was he a man in hiding, perhaps a royal heir who had been disowned because he would not marry without love? If you think he WAS a disowned prince, turn to page 19. If you think he WASN'T, turn to page 112! / Typewriter: TAP TAP TAP TAP http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11032006 |
| Achewood - November 4, 2002 | Ray: What? No, I don't want to buy no damn piano! Do you know what time it is?! Don't call here- / Lucifer: Excuse me sir, but are you a single gentleman? / Ray: So what if I am?
/ Lucifer: Sir, Ladies like Men who can play the Piano
/ Ray: Hmmm. How much you gettin' for a piano these days, anyway? / [[soon]]
/ Lucifer: Just sign the Contract, sir, and the Piano is yours.
/ Ray: Sheesh! This is long! Mind if I sign it now and read it later? / Lucifer: Not at All, Sir. Good Day.
/ [CLICK] / Ray: Cool! And not even a down payment! / [CONTRACT: This Piano shall grant the Buyer Incredible Powers of Musicianship until the Time of the Buyer's Death. At Said time of Death, the Seller shall receive, as Payment, the Buyer's Soul, and shall Own the Buyer's soul for all Eternity. SIGNED (buyer) =Ray= SIGNED (seller) lucifer DATE...] http://achewood.com/?date=11042002 |
| Achewood - November 4, 2002 | Ray: What? No, I don't want to buy no damn piano! Do you know what time it is?! Don't call here- / Lucifer: Excuse me sir, but are you a single gentleman? / Ray: So what if I am?
/ Lucifer: Sir, Ladies like Men who can play the Piano
/ Ray: Hmmm. How much you gettin' for a piano these days, anyway? / [[soon]]
/ Lucifer: Just sign the Contract, sir, and the Piano is yours.
/ Ray: Sheesh! This is long! Mind if I sign it now and read it later? / Lucifer: Not at All, Sir. Good Day.
/ < http://achewood.com/?date=11042002 |
| Achewood - November 4, 2002 | [[Ray in bed, talking on a cellphone]]
/ Ray: What? No, I don't want to buy no damn piano! Do you know what time it is?! Don't call here- / [[Lucifer shown as a human against a black background.]]
/ Lucifer: Excuse me sir, but are you a single gentleman? / Ray: So what if I am?
/ Lucifer: (Voiceover) Sir, Ladies like Men who can play the Piano.
/ Ray: Hmmm. How much you gettin' for a piano these days, anyway? / [[Ray is standing inside the open house door, holding a pen and the Contract with Lucifer. Lucifer's voice is coming from the darkness outside. Panel caption: SOON]]
/ Lucifer: Just sign the Contract, sir, and the Piano is yours.
/ Ray: Sheesh! This is long! Mind if I sign it now and read it later? / Lucifer: Not at All, Sir. Good Day.
/ [[Lucifer closes the door.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/?date=11042002 |
| Achewood - November 4, 2002 | Ray: What? No, I don't want to buy no damn piano! Do you know what time it is?! Don't call here-- / Lucifer: Excuse me sir, but are you a single gentleman ? / Ray: So what if I am?
/ Lucifer: Sir, Ladies like Men who can play the Piano.
/ Ray: Hmmm. How much you gettin' for a piano these days, anyway? / SOON
/ Lucifer: Just sign the Contract, sir, and the Piano is yours.
/ Ray: Sheesh! This is long! Mind if I sign it now and read it later? / Lucifer: Not at All, Sir. Good Day.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11042002 |
| Achewood - November 4, 2002 | Ray: What? No, I don't want to buy no damn piano! Do you know what time it is?! Don't call here-- / Lucifer: Excuse me sir, but are you a single gentleman ? / Ray: So what if I am?
/ Lucifer: Sir, Ladies like Men who can play the Piano.
/ Ray: Hmmm. How much you gettin' for a piano these days, anyway? / SOON
/ Lucifer: Just sign the Contract, sir, and the Piano is yours.
/ Ray: Sheesh! This is long! Mind if I sign it now and read it later? / Lucifer: Not at All, Sir. Good Day.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11042002 |
| Achewood - November 4, 2002 | Ray: What? No, I don't want to buy no damn piano! Do you know what time it is?! Don't call here-- / Lucifer: Excuse me sir, but are you a single gentleman ? / Ray: So what if I am?
/ Lucifer: Sir, Ladies like Men who can play the Piano.
/ Ray: Hmmm. How much you gettin' for a piano these days, anyway? / SOON
/ Lucifer: Just sign the Contract, sir, and the Piano is yours.
/ Ray: Sheesh! This is long! Mind if I sign it now and read it later? / Lucifer: Not at All, Sir. Good Day.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11042002 |
| Achewood - November 4, 2003 | {{Ray, Roast Beef, and friends are trying to find Nice Pete and Phillippe}} / [[RAY is driving an SUV]]
/ RAY: Alright Beef! Pull up alongside me now! / [[ROAST BEEF pulls up in the car from "Peel-Out Summer"]]
/ RAY: We lookin' for an old gray van, no plates! I got Mr. Bear and Lyle headin' south on Route 38, so you try north!
/ ROAST BEEF: Alright man Hell yes let's do this / [[MR. BEAR is driving a Mini Couper with LYLE]]
/ LYLE: What are all these extra switches under the dash for? These look like custom jobs! / MR. BEAR: If two fingers of Laphroaig will keep your filthy hands occupied, Lyle, then by all means flip #3. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11042003 |
| Achewood - November 4, 2004 | [[Treehouse]]
/ Lie Bot: Philippe! They recounted all the ballots, and guess what! You WON!
/ Philippe: REALLY?! / Lie Bot: Yes! It was a landslide! There's a big problem, though?
/ Philippe: What? What's the problem, Lie Bot? / Lie Bot: Mickey Mouse is on a radio call-in show threatening to shoot himself unless you give the presidency to George Bush! He even tapped the gun against the phone and fired a warning shot! / Philippe: Oh no! If I take office, it will be like murdering Mickey Mouse!
/ Lie Bot: Do the right thing, little guy. Don't let him pressure you. / Philippe: No. I can't let him do it. What's the number of the radio show?
/ Lie Bot: Okay, fine then. Here, I'll dial it for you. / [[Ray on the phone, yanking his rad chilies]]
/ Philippe (on phone): Don't shoot yourself, Mickey! I will let George Bush be the President again!
/ Ray: THANK! YOU! PHILIPPE! THIS! IS A GREAT! DAY! FOR AMERICA!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11042004 |
| Ray Discovers Little Nephew | [[Caption: KTV7 LIVE CHARLEY SMUCKLES SUICIDE WATCH '05
/ Ray is shown on the screen looking at the car containing Little Nephew, who is very slowly driving into a lake.]] / [[Ray turns back to the camera.]] / [[Ray's hand/paw appears over the camera.]] / [[The camera is pointed down at Ray's junk (aka his Rad Chilies).]] / [[The screen shows grass.]] / [[The screen shows grass.]] / [[The caption atop the panels is gone, as we are live with Ray, who is standing outside Little Nephew's car's driver's side window.]] / [[Ray walks to the front driver's side wheel and puts his hand on it.]] / [[Ray pops the wheel off the car.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11042005 |
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