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Bensington as shirtless Irish jump-dancer Caption: ONE HOUR LATER. / Lonis: There, is that what you meant by "shirtless Irish jump-dancing"? / [[Bensington dances.]] / <> / [[Bensington dances.]] / << KUNKCHUNKA CHUNKCHUNKA CHUNK>> / [[Bensington dances.]] / <> / Ray: Yep, yep. That'll do juuuuust fine. / Lonis: I amplified the sexual appearance of the trousers. I hope that's in keeping with your request. / Ray: Masterstroke, Lonis. / Lonis: Unfortunately, all I have in the way of transporting you two back home is this invisible bed-and-breakfast-themed caboose full of post-menopausal real estate agents. / Lonis: We'll have it coupled to the next northbound train. / Ray: Hold on. What's all this talk I'm hearing about a caboose full of post-menopausal real estate agents? / Lonis: I'm not proud that I have it. I drank too many Singapore Slings at my personal Christmas party and was a little self-indulgent in the lab. / I'd like to put the whole affair behind me, so this is really killing two birds with one stone. / Ray, thinking: I got to ride home in an orgy of frosted tips and BMW-butt, watching Bensington get whipped cream licked off his stomach by some woman who ain't bought an album since Rumours? Maybe I'll walk. / ((alt-text: Lonis's shame is Bensington's future}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10232006
Bensington as shirtless Irish jump-dancer Caption: ONE HOUR LATER. / Lonis: There, is that what you meant by "shirtless Irish jump-dancing"? / [[Bensington dances.]] / <> / [[Bensington dances.]] / << KUNKCHUNKA CHUNKCHUNKA CHUNK>> / [[Bensington dances.]] / <> / Ray: Yep, yep. That'll do juuuuust fine. / Lonis: I amplified the sexual appearance of the trousers. I hope that's in keeping with your request. / Ray: Masterstroke, Lonis. / Lonis: Unfortunately, all I have in the way of transporting you two back home is this invisible bed-and-breakfast-themed caboose full of post-menopausal real estate agents. / Lonis: We'll have it coupled to the next northbound train. / Ray: Hold on. What's all this talk I'm hearing about a caboose full of post-menopausal real estate agents? / Lonis: I'm not proud that I have it. I drank too many Singapore Slings at my personal Christmas party and was a little self-indulgent in the lab. / I'd like to put the whole affair behind me, so this is really killing two birds with one stone. / Ray, thinking: I got to ride home in an orgy of frosted tips and BMW-butt, watching Bensington get whipped cream licked off his stomach by some woman who ain't bought an album since Rumours? Maybe I'll walk. / ((alt-text: Lonis's shame is Bensington's future}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10232006
Bensington as shirtless Irish jump-dancer Caption: ONE HOUR LATER. / Lonis: There, is that what you meant by "shirtless Irish jump-dancing"? / [[Bensington dances.]] / <> / [[Bensington dances.]] / << KUNKCHUNKA CHUNKCHUNKA CHUNK>> / [[Bensington dances.]] / <> / Ray: Yep, yep. That'll do juuuuust fine. / Lonis: I amplified the sexual appearance of the trousers. I hope that's in keeping with your request. / Ray: Masterstroke, Lonis. / Lonis: Unfortunately, all I have in the way of transporting you two back home is this invisible bed-and-breakfast-themed caboose full of post-menopausal real estate agents. / Lonis: We'll have it coupled to the next northbound train. / Ray: Hold on. What's all this talk I'm hearing about a caboose full of post-menopausal real estate agents? / Lonis: I'm not proud that I have it. I drank too many Singapore Slings at my personal Christmas party and was a little self-indulgent in the lab. / I'd like to put the whole affair behind me, so this is really killing two birds with one stone. / Ray, thinking: I got to ride home in an orgy of frosted tips and BMW-butt, watching Bensington get whipped cream licked off his stomach by some woman who ain't bought an album since Rumours? Maybe I'll walk. / ((alt-text: Lonis's shame is Bensington's future}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10232006
Achewood - October 23, 2007 [[Shot from behind a flat-screen television: There is a small golf cart labeled "GGGR!" sitting atop a compatibly sized treadmill. Next to this, there is a platform featuring a sort of tee, with two golf clubs scattered nearby. To the right, there is a cocktail table with a beer can and a smoking ashtray. Closest to the TV lies a Wii. All have wires running toward the television.]] / [[Téodor and Ray. T has raised his left eyebrow.]] / Téodor: What the hell is all that? / Ray: Golf Golf Golf Revolution. / [[Téodor, face in a dubious expression and arms folded.]] / Téodor: Beef, what the hell is that? / [[Roast Beef wears a T-shirt reading: IF YOU CAN'T CUT THE MUSTARD, THEN CUT THE CHEESE! He is mortified, with closed eyes and tensed face.]] / [[Téodor twirls his left forefinger in the air.]] / Téodor: Turn around. / [[Roast Beef is turned away, slumping. The back of his shirt reads: WORKED FOR ME]] / [[Téodor's expression has turned sharper.]] / [[Téodor sits at a table with Philippe. He has a mostly full glass in front of him. Philippe is crying his eyes out.]] / Téodor: Philippe, what the hell are you crying about? / <> / [[Philippe raises his right arm. Téodor looks weary.]] / Philippe: I want a chainsaw! I want a chainsaw NOW! Everybody has a chainsaw but ME! / [[Téodor throws his beverage in Philippe's face.]] / <> / [[Philippe is wet.]] / Téodor: There. What's it like having a chainsaw. / Philippe: You're MAD at me! SHAME on you! / {{Alt text: In Golf Golf Golf Revolution, you have to fetch your own triangular ham sandwiches.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10232007
Achewood § October 23, 2009 Cornelius: Goodness gracious, Téodor! What is that invidious tang? / Téodor: It's this pee. / Cornelius: Well for God's sake, man, hoist your head! That is no way to pass a sunny afternoon. / Téodor: It's...look at the words going by In It! It's like a portal to another world! / [[Cornelius moves his glasses with his left hand to take a closer look.]] / Pee-soaked Paper: "I now Ultraviolet Thunder, Immortal Master of Eagles." / Cornelius: If this is your attempt to get back at me for parting brass rags over that Dummies' Guide to Strip Clubs, then you grossly overestimate my patience for tricks involving urine. <> / Téodor: Just read it for a second, man! It's fascinating! / Cornelius: As surely as Dante first saw Beatrice reflected in the puddle of a micturating sow, I am certain it is stuff for the ages. [[He blows out smoke after taking a puff.]] / Cornelius: Meanwhile, I want no part of your "slanted-mirror hokum and jive." Adieu. / Téodor: Fine. Your loss. / {{Then.}} / Pee-soaked Paper: You are in Jilin Provence, China. There is a mountain here. / "Glorious Ranger, drive to other side of mountain." / C:\> drive around tha frikkin' mountain hope we got enough gas / You are at the other side of the mountain. There is an immense Hemlock stump here, as wide as a jacuzzi and ten feet high. / "Todd, this is our side of mountain." / {{alt-text: Slanted-mirror Hokum and Jive. Colonel Trader and the Kansas Silos, 1956.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10232009
Achewood - October 24, 2001 ( Lie Bot redux - A Visitor ) [[ Cornelius Bear is sleeping on his bed while Lie Bot is hitting it.]] / Lie Bot: Wake up! Wake up! / Cornelius Bear: Wha...? What is it, Lie Bot? / << Lie Bot makes a THUD appear by hitting Cornelius' bed >> / [[ Cornelius is awake now, and looking at Lie Bot. ]] / Lie Bot: Flavor Flav's here! He wants to see you! / Cornelius Bear: Really? Wow! / [[ Cornelius is no longer in bed - he is running out of the frame. ]] / Lie Bot: He has a blinking tooth! / Cornelius Bear:That's so awesome!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10242001
Achewood - October 24, 2001 [[Cornelius is sleeping on his bed while Lie Bot is hitting it.]] / Lie Bot: Wake up! Wake up! / <> / Cornelius: Wha...? What is it, Lie Bot? / [[Cornelius is awake now, and looking at Lie Bot.]] / Lie Bot: Flavor Flav's here! He wants to see you! / Cornelius: Really? Wow! / [[Cornelius is no longer in bed - he is running out of the frame.]] / Lie Bot: He has a blinking tooth! / Cornelius: That's so awesome!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10242001
Achewood - October 24, 2002 [[Ray approaches Philippe.]] / Ray: Philippe! You wanna see a neat trick? / Philippe: Really? / [[The two run.]] / Ray: Come with me! We gonna go visit Roast Beef! / Philippe: Oh boy! / [[Ray and Philippe arrive upon Roast Beef.]] / Ray: Roast Beef! Philippe wants to see how small you can make your eyes. / [[Roast Beef, staring ahead.]] / Roast Beef: Oh you mean these eyes / [[Roast Beef's eyes take on a ringed appearance.]] / [[Roast Beef's head vibrates, as his eyes shrink to half their normal size.]] / [[Roast Beef's eyes completely disappear.]] / [[Philippe regards Roast Beef's eyeless face with astonishment.]]
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10242002
Achewood - October 24, 2002 [[Ray approaches Philippe.]] / Ray: Philippe! You wanna see a neat trick? / Philippe: Really? / [[The two run.]] / Ray: Come with me! We gonna go visit Roast Beef! / Philippe: Oh boy! / [[Ray and Philippe arrive upon Roast Beef.]] / Ray: Roast Beef! Philippe wants to see how small you can make your eyes. / [[Roast Beef, staring ahead.]] / Roast Beef: Oh you mean these eyes / [[Roast Beef's eyes take on a ringed appearance.]] / [[Roast Beef's head vibrates, as his eyes shrink to half their normal size.]] / [[Roast Beef's eyes completely disappear.]] / [[Philippe regards Roast Beef's eyeless face with astonishment.]] / {{alt text: roxanne you don't have to put on the red army}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10242002
Eye trick [[Ray approaches Philippe.]] / Ray: Philippe! You wanna see a neat trick? / Philippe: Really? / [[The two run.]] / Ray: Come with me! We gonna go visit Roast Beef! / Philippe: Oh boy! / [[Ray and Philippe arrive upon Roast Beef.]] / Ray: Roast Beef! Philippe wants to see how small you can make your eyes. / [[Roast Beef, staring ahead.]] / Roast Beef: Oh you mean these eyes / [[Roast Beef's eyes take on a ringed appearance.]] / [[Roast Beef's head vibrates, as his eyes shrink to half their normal size.]] / [[Roast Beef's eyes completely disappear.]] / [[Philippe regards Roast Beef's eyeless face with astonishment.]] / {{alt text: roxanne you don't have to put on the red army}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10242002
 
Achewood - October 24, 2003 [[Nice Pete and Téodor are sitting with drinks.]] / {{Nice Pete is talking, but we're hearing Téodor's thoughts.}} / Nice Pete: Alright Téodor I'm going to tell you a joke now / Téodor: Man, he's really loosening up! It's so, so weird to be buddies with a murderer. / [[Nice Pete leans back in his chair.]] / Nice Pete: A man walks out of the dentist's office / Téodor: But it's also kind of a cool, dangerous feeling. / [[Nice Pete puts his right arm behind the headrest.]] / Nice Pete: The dentist has just charged him a HUGE amount of money for some very simple work / Téodor: I wonder if it's safer to know him or not know him / Nice Pete: So he gets in his van and there are tears of frustration pouring down his face / Nice Pete: He is screaming he is so mad / [[Nice Pete frowns, and clenches his fist.]] / Téodor: Whoah, I'd better pay attention to this joke / [[Move to close-up of both. Nice Pete points his finger at Téodor.]] / Nice Pete: He gets the engine up to 8,000 RPMs and pops the clutch / Nice Pete: The van plows through the dentist's office and completely destroys all the workers / Téodor: Wait a minute... / Téodor: That just happened over at Hidden Hills Medical Center this morning! / Nice Pete: Here are some of their hands / [[Nice Pete holds up a small plastic bag with blood at the bottom of it.]] / {{title text: Oh man try making a set of icons for a guy after he drops THAT on you}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10242003
Achewood - October 24, 2005 [[Ray paints a wall. Lassie.com comes running]] / Lassie.com: ARF! AFF! RAFF! / [[Ray crouches]] / Ray: What? What is it, Lassie.com?! / Lassie.com: RAFF! ARF! AFF! / Ray: Little NEPHEW? In the jacuzzi?! Oh my god! / Lassie.com: RAFF! / [[Ray races down the hall in an uncharacteristic sprint]] / Ray: noooOOOOOO! / [[Ray points angrily at Little Nephew. Little Nephew stands in the jacuzzi, holding his swim trunks out with one hand and photographing their contents with the other]] / Ray: Hey, dammit! We TALKED about this! / {{Alt: They had agreed that things like thsi were not good for Little Nephew's future prospects.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10242005
Achewood - October 24, 2005 [[Ray paints a wall. Lassie.com comes running]] / Lassie.com: ARF! AFF! RAFF! / [[Ray crouches]] / Ray: What? What is it, Lassie.com?! / Lassie.com: RAFF! ARF! AFF! / Ray: Little NEPHEW? In the jacuzzi?! Oh my god! / Lassie.com: RAFF! / [[Ray races down the hall in an uncharacteristic sprint]] / Ray: noooOOOOOO! / [[Ray points angrily at Little Nephew. Little Nephew stands in the jacuzzi, holding his swim trunks out with one hand and photographing their contents with the other]] / Ray: Hey, dammit! We TALKED about this! / {{Alt: They had agreed that things like this were not good for Little Nephew's future prospects.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10242005
Achewood - October 24, 2005 [[Ray paints a wall. Lassie.com comes running]] / Lassie.com: ARF! AFF! RAFF! / [[Ray crouches]] / Ray: What? What is it, Lassie.com?! / Lassie.com: RAFF! ARF! AFF! / Ray: Little NEPHEW? In the jacuzzi?! Oh my god! / Lassie.com: RAFF! / [[Ray races down the hall in an uncharacteristic sprint]] / Ray: noooOOOOOO! / [[Ray points angrily at Little Nephew. Little Nephew stands knee-deep in the jacuzzi, holding his swim trunks out with one hand and photographing their contents with the other]] / Ray: Hey, dammit! We TALKED about this! / {{Alt: They had agreed that things like this were not good for Little Nephew's future prospects.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10242005
Achewood - October 24, 2006 [[Teodor is seated at an array of computer monitors and a CPU, atop of which is a radio, his back is to the reader]] <> / [[Teodor has swung angrily around from the screens, he looks behind him and thinks to himself]] Teodor: God, is Lyle clipping his nails on the couch again? That bugs the hell out of me. / [[Teodor has approached the couch, where Lyle is seated, beanie on, bottle of whiskey in hand. Lyle looks at Teodor, both seem irritated]] Teodor: Dude, don't clip your nails on the couch! That's like peeing in the sink, or puking in the dishwasher! It might not seem like a big deal to the person doing it, but it is! / Lyle: [[turning back to look ahead of him, presumably at the TV]] Wow, hat trick! And it ain't even noon! [[Teodor's frown deepens]] / {{Alt Text: The Hat Trick of Bachelor Offenses}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10242006
Achewood - October 24, 2006 [[Teodor is seated at an array of computer monitors and a CPU, atop of which is a radio, his back is to the reader]] <> / [[Teodor has swung angrily around from the screens, he looks behind him and thinks to himself]] Teodor: God, is Lyle clipping his nails on the couch again? That bugs the hell out of me. / [[Teodor has approached the couch, where Lyle is seated, beanie on, bottle of whiskey in hand. Lyle looks at Teodor, both seem irritated]] Teodor: Dude, don't clip your nails on the couch! That's like peeing in the sink, or puking in the dishwasher! It might not seem like a big deal to the person doing it, but it is! / Lyle: [[turning back to look ahead of him, presumably at the TV]] Wow, hat trick! And it ain't even noon! [[Teodor's frown deepens]] / {{Alt Text: The Hat Trick of Bachelor Offenses}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10242006
Achewood - October 24, 2007 [[View of a DVD cover. The DVD is called "BEST OF... HOT TUB BRAWLS".]] / [[Ray is sitting peacefully in his living room chair. There is a beer on a small table next to him.]] / [[There are two men waist-deep in a hot tub: a light-haired man facing us, and a dark-haired man with sunglasses, whose back faces the viewer. Both have their fists raised.]] / Light-haired Man: FUCK YOU, MIKE! / [[Mike, the dark-haired man, points both index fingers at the light-haired man.]] / Mike: SHUT UP! / [[The light-haired man lunges at Mike. The carpet matches the drapes, and he is circumcised.]] / <> / [[The two men wrestle earnestly, maintaining stance.]] / <> / <> / [[Ray is drinking his beer.]] / Dark-haired Man, from the TV: FUCK YOU! / Mike, from the TV: FUCK
    YOU
, JASON! / <>
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10242007
Achewood - The miniature golf hole - October 25, 2001 [[Téodor, Mr. Bear and Lyle stand together. Téodor wears a visor, Lyle a cap]] / Téodor: It was nice of Philippe to make this miniature golf hole for us. / Lyle: Except there's no cup to hit it into. / Téodor: Hey Philippe! How do you play this hole? / Philippe's voice: You have to hit it to this end! / [[Philippe stands alone at the other end, with arms out]] / Voice, presumably Téodor: And then what? / Philippe: Huuugs!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10252001
Achewood - The miniature golf hole - October 25, 2001 [[Téodor, Mr. Bear and Lyle stand together. Téodor wears a visor, Lyle a cap]] / Téodor: It was nice of Philippe to make this miniature golf hole for us. / Lyle: Except there's no cup to hit it into. / Téodor: Hey Philippe! How do you play this hole? / Philippe's voice: You have to hit it to this end! / [[Philippe stands alone at the other end, with arms out. The mini golf course ends with a bar at the end of the room, rather than a hole.]] / Voice, presumably Téodor: And then what? / Philippe: Huuugs!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10252001
Achewood - October 25, 2001 [[Téodor, Cornelius and Lyle stand together. Téodor wears a visor, Lyle a cap]] / Téodor: It was nice of Philippe to make this miniature golf hole for us. / Lyle: Except there's no cup to hit it into. / Téodor: Hey Philippe! How do you play this hole? / Philippe: You have to hit it to this end! / [[Philippe stands alone at the other end, with arms out]] / Téodor: And then what? / Philippe: Huuugs!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10252001
 
Achewood - October 25, 2002 [[Téodor and Ray are talking, Ray holding an audio cassette.]] / Ray: Damn, man. I think Tina wants to get back with me. / Téodor: What makes you say that? / [[A close-up of the cassette.]] / Ray: Oh, nothin'... just this MIX TAPE. / [[Ray, looking at the tape.]] / Ray: Sheesh. How many "Tony, Toni, Toné" songs can a dude listen to. / [[Ray and Téodor.]] / Téodor: You guys always get back together. When are you gonna make it legit? / Ray: Enough already! Why don't I call in some Boston Market. / Téodor: Oh! Yeah! / [[Ray's clawed forefinger presses the "BOSTON MARKET" button, at the top of his speed dial. Below it lay the entries for "P. DIDDY SONG OF DAY," "BEEF," "BEEF CEL," and "PAT."]]
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10252002
Achewood - October 25, 2002 [[Téodor and Ray are talking, Ray holding an audio cassette.]] / Ray: Damn, man. I think Tina wants to get back with me. / Téodor: What makes you say that? / Ray: Oh, nothin'... just this MIX TAPE. / [[A close-up of the cassette, a label toward the bottom with "For My Man" in fancy cursive handwriting.]] / [[Ray, looking at the tape.]] / Ray: Sheesh. How many "Tony, Toni, Toné" songs can a dude listen to. / [[Ray and Téodor.]] / Téodor: You guys always get back together. When are you gonna make it legit? / Ray: Enough already! Why don't I call in some Boston Market. / Téodor: Oh! Yeah! / [[Ray's clawed forefinger presses the "BOSTON MARKET" button, at the top of his speed dial. Below it lay the entries for "P. DIDDY SONG OF DAY," "BEEF," "BEEF CEL," and "PAT."]] / {{alt text: new in the store: a picture of a snake that says ACHIEVE}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10252002
Achewood - October 25, 2002 [[Téodor and Ray are talking, Ray holding an audio cassette.]] / Ray: Damn, man. I think Tina wants to get back with me. / Téodor: What makes you say that? / [[A close-up of the cassette.]] / Ray: Oh, nothin'... just this MIX TAPE. / [[Ray, looking at the tape.]] / Ray: Sheesh. How many "Tony, Toni, Toné" songs can a dude listen to. / [[Ray and Téodor.]] / Téodor: You guys always get back together. When are you gonna make it legit? / Ray: Enough already! Why don't I call in some Boston Market. / Téodor: Oh! Yeah! / [[Ray's clawed forefinger presses the "BOSTON MARKET" button, at the top of his speed dial. Below it lay the entries for "P. DIDDY SONG OF DAY," "BEEF," "BEEF CEL," and "PAT."]] / {{alt text:new in the store: a picture of a snake that says ACHIEVE}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10252002
Achewood - October 25, 2004 Countries That Sound Like Porn Stars / and / Facts About Them. / [[Teodor in front of the flag of Sierra Leone]] / Sierra Leone / Location: West Africa / Distribution of family income - Gini index: 62.9 (1989) / [[Teodor in front of the flag of Dominica]] / Dominica / Location: Caribbean / Turn-ons: agronomy / [[Teodor in front of the flag of Chad]] / Chad / Location: Central Africa / Dislikes: 10% infant mortality rate / [[Teodor in front of the flag of BeLicious St. Coxx]] / BeLicious St. Coxx / Location: off Brazilian Coast / Natural Resources: Libraries where people fuck / {{Some people call BeLicious Gibraltar, but not this 24-hour party person}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10252004
Achewood - October 25, 2005 [[Cornelius sits at typewriter. Teodor enters.]] / Teodor: Hey, you're writing again! It's been a while, hasn't it? / Cornelius: Teodor! Oh, ah. Yes. My agent insists there is some money to be made emulating some poop named Lemony Snicket. / Teodor: Mind if I take a look? / Corneiius: You know the drill. / Teodor: Judge the audience, not the author. Natch. / Cornelius: Enjoy. I'll be in the oven. / [[Teodor reads Cornelius' story.]] / [[TOM THE HORRID BEAGLE / "Tom, stop it!" begged the little girl. "You'll ruin the entire carpet!" Tom the beagle did not care. He was a housepet, and as such not expected to be an item of convenience or reward. He redoubled his efforts as the girl began to cry. Her parents would be home any minute.]] / [[Story: Soon, a key turned in the latch. As Tom dashed out of the room, he knocked a picturebook of skin diseases off the shelf. The book fell open to a photograph of a familiar man whose ears were covered in clusters of bumpy warts.]] / [[Story: It was the girl's father! Before she could close it, he stormed into the room demanding to know why she had been looking at pictures of his disease while he was away.]] / Teodor (thinking): Heh! Horrible things are happening for no reason! / {{Alt text: a series of unfortunate beagle micturations}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10252005
Achewood - October 25, 2005 [[Cornelius sits at typewriter. Teodor enters.]] / Teodor: Hey, you're writing again! It's been a while, hasn't it? / Cornelius: Teodor! Oh, ah. Yes. My agent insists there is some money to be made emulating some poop named Lemony Snicket. / Teodor: Mind if I take a look? / Corneiius: You know the drill. / Teodor: Judge the audience, not the author. Natch. / Cornelius: Enjoy. I'll be in the oven. / [[Teodor reads Cornelius' story.]] / [[TOM THE HORRID BEAGLE / "Tom, stop it!" begged the little girl. "You'll ruin the entire carpet!" / Tom the beagle did not care. He was a housepet, and as such not expected to be an item of convenience or reward. / He redoubled his efforts as the girl began to cry. Her parents would be home any minute.]] / [[Story: Soon, a key turned in the latch. As Tom dashed out of the room, he knocked a picturebook of skin diseases off the shelf. The book fell open to a photograph of a familiar man whose ears were covered in clusters of bumpy warts.]] / [[Story: It was the girl's father! Before she could close it, he stormed into the room demanding to know why she had been looking at pictures of his disease while he was away.]] / Teodor (thinking): Heh! Horrible things are happening for no reason! / {{Alt text: a series of unfortunate beagle micturations}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10252005
Ray Walks Home from Mexico [[Cornelius points out details on a tea kettle to Téodor]] / Cornelius: See here, if you store your tea kettle with an inch of water in it, it will catch any ambient grease or dust before it creates a hard-to-clean residue on the interior. / <> / Ray: The HELL I just walked home from Mexico! Somebody cook me some damn Emeril food! / Téodor: Ray? / [[Ray is emaciated and filthy.]] / Ray: Emeril food! Now! Why come ain't nobody stuffin' a lasagna inside a turkey! Where's the butter? Put butter on what I said! / Téodor: What happened to you?! Do you need a doctor? / Cornelius: Goodness, Ray! You've been missing for weeks! / Ray: What I NEED is a steak sandwich so big it's got a snout at one end and a tail at the other! Four damn leg holes in the bun! Just walk it to the table and shoot it! / Téodor: Right, right! I'll turn on the stove! Good lord! / Cornelius: Pray tell what happened, Ray? / Ray: I was gonna walk home from Mexico, but after a few miles I decided not to, and then I lost my wallet in a damn stream! How you like them shakes? / Cornelius: Goodness! Why didn't you wire for help? / Ray: You think they just let any old deranged freak with plastic bag shoes use the phone at Western Union?! / Cornelius: I believe it's the cornerstone of their business model. / Ray: I didn't call 'cause a player has his pride. This particular player also has a spider bite so big I should probably get it tennis lessons. Excuse me. / {{alt text: Scholar's Note - Ray is referring to Emeril Lagasse, not Emeril LeGoinegasque.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10252006
Ray Walks Home from Mexico [[Cornelius points out details on a tea kettle to Téodor]] / Cornelius: See here, if you store your tea kettle with an inch of water in it, it will catch any ambient grease or dust before it creates a hard-to-clean residue on the interior. / <> / Ray: The HELL I just walked home from Mexico! Somebody cook me some damn Emeril food! / Téodor: Ray? / [[Ray is emaciated and filthy.]] / Ray: Emeril food! Now! Why come ain't nobody stuffin' a lasagna inside a turkey! Where's the butter? Put butter on what I said! / Téodor: What happened to you?! Do you need a doctor? / Cornelius: Goodness, Ray! You've been missing for weeks! / Ray: What I NEED is a steak sandwich so big it's got a snout at one end and a tail at the other! Four damn leg holes in the bun! Just walk it to the table and shoot it! / Téodor: Right, right! I'll turn on the stove! Good lord! / Cornelius: Pray tell what happened, Ray? / Ray: I was gonna walk home from Mexico, but after a few miles I decided not to, and then I lost my wallet in a damn stream! How you like them shakes? / Cornelius: Goodness! Why didn't you wire for help? / Ray: You think they just let any old deranged freak with plastic bag shoes use the phone at Western Union?! / Cornelius: I believe it's the cornerstone of their business model. / Ray: I didn't call 'cause a player has his pride. This particular player also has a spider bite so big I should probably get it tennis lessons. Excuse me. / {{alt text: Scholar's Note - Ray is referring to Emeril Lagasse, not Emeril LeGoinegasque.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10252006
The Rad Day [[Teodor is holding an envelope addressed to "Mr. Teodor 'hey' Orezscu" from Rad Day in Uppsala , Sweden]] / [[Teodor looks at the envelope.]] / [[The letter begins]] / Mr. Orezscu, Your friend "Ray's the Roof" Smuckles sends you a Rad Day! His message is to you: / "Yo, doggie! Sorry if anything's been weird between us lately. I haven't noticed. Check out this gift I gave you!" / A Rad Day agent is contacting you when the following form you commplete and return. / [[The form]] / Please check here to say to us which Rad Day you are perhaps enjoying the most. / I go on a jetcopter trip to the best archipelago. / Cameras record when I harass a community in my car! / A girl and I make our genitals swell to the point where we can do something about it. / Fun and TV commenting with Lins Strommsvald of Super Auto-kvaal.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10252007
 
Achewood - A discussion on AIDS - October 26, 2001 [[Mr. Bear reads a newspaper]] / Mr. Bear: Oh, AIDS. / Mr. Bear: Why, why did someone screw a monkey? / [[A monkey with sunglasses and goatee appears]] / Mr. Bear: Why, oh why did someone have to screw a monkey? / Monkey: Yeah, man, what gives?
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10262001
Achewood - A discussion on AIDS - October 26, 2001 [[Mr. Bear reads a newspaper]] / Mr. Bear: Oh, AIDS. / [[Mr. Bear looks up from his newspaper]] / Mr. Bear: Why, why did someone screw a monkey? / [[A monkey with sunglasses and goatee appears]] / Mr. Bear: Why, oh why did someone have to screw a monkey? / Monkey: Yeah, man, what gives?
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10262001
Achewood - October 26, 2001 [[Cornelius reads a newspaper]] / Cornelius: Oh, AIDS. / Cornelius: Why, why did someone screw a monkey? / [[A monkey with sunglasses and goatee appears]] / Cornelius: Why, oh why did someone have to screw a monkey? / Monkey: Yeah, man, what gives?
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10262001
Achewood - October 26, 2004 [[Ray reading playboy]] / Pat: Why look at you, Ray! Openly reading smut in public! / Ray: Oh, hey Pat! What's cookin? / [[Pat snatches the Playboy]] / Pat: Give me that! / Pat: I'm going to put this in the TRASH where it belongs! / Ray: Playboy is actually pretty tame, I think that even grandparents-- / [[Pat reading Playboy]] / Pat (thinking): Aha! They finally answered my letter! / [[Pat's answer]] / Sure, Pat, highway tollbooth operators aren't required by law to be gracious, but why you're on a crusade to lower the pay and liquidate the pensions of those relatively innocuous state employees is beyond us. Referring to them as "Godless spawn of the affirmative action archipelago" sounds more like the KKK went to college than a referendum bound for the Mayor's desk. / Oh, and for the record, we find Robert Fripp's guitar music pedantic and joyless. Please leave the mix tapes out of your future correspondence. / {{Robert Fripp is the kind of guy who makes the hardest chord possible while getting his picture taken}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10262004
Achewood - October 26, 2005 [[A radio stands on a table]] / Radio Host: KPMA'S Gripe of the Day! Caller, you're on the air! / [[Pat is holding a phone, shaking angrily]9 / Pat: It's stupid that criminals are punished by incarceration only! / Radio Host: Pat! Good to hear from you again! How do you mean? / Pat: Do you honestly think that the kind of guy who gets caught stealing a Tv set... ...has the mental goods to consider what it will be like to be strippled of his liberty?! / Radio Host: Sounds like Pat's about to drop the F-bomb! / [[Black Panel: SOUND EFFECT: SLIDE WHISTLE, FOLLOWED BY "SPOI-OI-OING!"]] / [[Pat lifts left han, sticking index finger]] / Pat: Foucault wold have recomended Monarchial Punishment as well! Preventive public displays of the torture and execution of criminals! / Radio Host: King of like a Gallagher thing, but with heads instead of watermelons! Am I right? Am I RIGHT?! Heh Heh! / Pat: Actually, you're on the right track, Rod In the Morning. / Radio Host: Listen, Pat. I've got a HUGE package of civil rights ideas I'm about to send to Bono - I've even written "Important: contains your embroidered G8 ballcap!" on the outside - ... Can I include a transcript of this conversation? / [[Pat showcases some nervousness and fear]] / Pat: ...Bono? / [[Pat is shaking with fear]] / Pat: I...I mean... this might be kind of radical for him... but he seems... sensible, you know? / {{Alt text: Bono will be against the idea of smashing prisoner heads like comedy watermelons. He probably has a form letter to this extent. }}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10262005
Achewood - October 26, 2007 [[A page from Philippe's newspaper, the Philippe Times.]] / The Philippe Times. Do not go into a mania Vol 9 No. 19 / Friday Facts! / by Philippe, editor-in-chief! / [[A graphic of Philippe Caption reads: Me. / DID YOU KNOW... / Dogs cannot say or mean thank you! / A PHONE CALL FROM ME DEPT: I called Ray to get the scoop on what he was watching on TV! He said, "Naked men fighting sincerely in water." He answered pretty quick- doubt that was a lie! / Teodor said that he said a zinger! "Vegetarians are the buboes in the armpits of America's misunderstanding of itself." A complicated idea, but possibly rude. / The next Jack Black film? "The Arrest and Release of Ronnie Mexico." That's Roast Beef's guess, based on how things have gone. / Teodor says that the Gordon Ramsay drinking game would go like this: "Stop drinking, you minging cunt!" Heh! What's a cunt? The smallest cup at 7-11? / Wisdom from Vlad: "You should not tease a rectum or a priest." How do you tease a rectum? With one of those fake guns that shoots out a flag that says POW? Because that's a good way to tease a priest! (Is a rectum where a priest waits before he says mass?) / PHILLIPE'S GUESS PLACE! / [[ Graphic of a strange object, rather jaggedy]] / Teodoer: That's... it's a thing from the 80s." / This guess place courtesy of Chris's Room! / Chris's dad dropped off a box of old 60s "mod" albums! He said that he didn't want them "at all." Some of the bands: / Eddie Pope and the New Wailers / Blackpool Gaz and the Beachwarmer Cherries / The Royalty Faction / The Matingmen / Plepsk Morning Nights (Swedish) / *** / SHOUDLN'T HAVE LISTENED OUTSIDE THEIR WINDOW DEPT. / *** / Things that annoy Mollie about Roast Beef: / "YOU ALWAYS LEAVE THE FAUCET DRIBBLING AFTER YOU TAKE A SHOWER!" / BEEF'S REPLY: If you're gonna go on about stuff I wish I ever got a blowjob that didn't end in me getting yelled at / MOLLY: [HUGE cusses] / {{Alt-text: My dad actually peeled off after he dropped off those albums. We didn't even shake hands.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10262007
Achewood - October 27, 2003 [[Teodor and Nice Pete sit at Teodor's computer table with drinks.]] / Teodor: So, where'd you grow up? / / Nice Pete: Oh, 'round parts of West Virginia / Nice Pete: Places you could sit under the old oak trees in the summertime and smell the hills around you baking / Save a tadpole, put him in a baggie and take him to a creek that wouldn't dry up / Nice Pete: Watch the rain come once again in the fall / Turn the dirt again to mud / Nice Pete: Bring fragrance to the land like herbs and a pestle / Teodor: That sounds like a really beautiful place to grow up. / [[A Young Nice Pete holding a tulip]] / Nice Pete: Mom-mom had to die because of the ground chemicals / [[Nice Pete's Father. He has a very small head]] / Nice Pete: Daddy had a disease which made his head ten percent smaller each year / Nice Pete's Dad: They say there's gonna be layoffs at the mine
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10272003
 
Achewood - October 27, 2004 [[Lyle on couch, reading Playboy]] / Philippe: What are you reading, Lyle? / [[Lyle tosses the Playboy]] / Lyle: Eh, feckin' Playboy! I dunno why Teodor subscribes to this rag, it's just the same rouged plastic asshole month after month. Feh! / [[Lyle leaves]] / Lyle: Feh! / [[Philippe looks around]] / [[Philippe reading Playboy]] / Philippe: Oh boy! The Advisor answered my letter! Oh, good! / [[Playboy[[ / Dear Playboy Advisor! / Hi! I have a friend who is running for President, only he is not too sure about what the Constitution is. Also, what is the Bill of Rights? Is that what policemen read to you when you get arrested? I'm not sure what to tell my friend. He sure could use some help pretty soon! (I have known him for a long time and I care about him). Sorry if this is kind of dumb. / Sincerely, / Philippe, age 5 / Dear Philippe, / Thank you for the grape flavored stickers. We don't get many letters from kids, so please make sure you don't read any of the other pages in this magazine! Just this page, okay buddy? Anyhow, the United States Constitution is / {{You're under arrest. You have the right to free speech. You have the right to bear arms. You have the right to]]
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10272004
Achewood - October 27, 2005 [[Little Nephew is holding a book]] / Little Nephew: Man, this guy got in the Guinness book of World Records just for havin' long-ass fingernails? Daaamn...what can I get in for... / Little Nephew [[Thinking]]: Ate so much cheese that he became rude and raunchy... Nah. Cheese costs hell of cash money. Drove a 1973 Honda Civic into a kake going one inch per hour, Everyone watching became insane from the stress. Nah. No way to count on people going insane. But on the other hand it would take so long that national news outlets could catch on and do a countdown! [[Excited]] I could webcast the whole thing, say I was at an "unnamed lake" and "accepting donations!" Man, I could clear five digits just for threatening to drive a Honda into a lake on the Internet! / [[SOON. Lakeside. Honda car is being driven very slowly to a lake. Webcam is seen in first plane.]] / [[KTV7 EXTREME UPDATE]] / In other top news, a local boy is driving into a lake at 1'' per hour unless dmands are met. Is accepting donations. Experts predict 96-Hour event cycle based on length of car. Washington forensics experts analyzing shoreline from grainy webcam composites. / {{Alt Text: A boy has threatened to drive a car into a lake on the Internet.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10272005
Achewood - October 27, 2005 [[Little Nephew is holding a book]] / Little Nephew: Man, this guy got in the Guinness book of World Records just for havin' long-ass fingernails? Daaamn...what can I get in for... / Little Nephew [[Thinking]]: Ate so much cheese that he became rude and raunchy... Nah. Cheese costs hell of cash money. Drove a 1973 Honda Civic into a kake going one inch per hour, Everyone watching became insane from the stress. Nah. No way to count on people going insane. But on the other hand it would take so long that national news outlets could catch on and do a countdown! [[Excited]] I could webcast the whole thing, say I was at an "unnamed lake" and "accepting donations!" Man, I could clear five digits just for threatening to drive a Honda into a lake on the Internet! / [[SOON. Lakeside. Honda car is being driven very slowly to a lake. Webcam is seen in first plane.]] / [[KTV7 EXTREME UPDATE]] / In other top news, a local boy is driving into a lake at 1'' per hour unless dmands are met. Is accepting donations. Experts predict 96-Hour event cycle based on length of car. Washington forensics experts analyzing shoreline from grainy webcam composites. / {{Alt Text: A boy has threatened to drive a car into a lake on the Internet.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10272005
Friday Facts - Nudity [[singe panel page of The Phillipe Times]] / The Phillipe Times / Halloween is not Satanic. It is Satan-neutral™! / Vol 8 No. 6 / Friday Facts! / by Phillipe, editor-in-chief! / [[Picture of Phillipe with a pig nose and, curly wig and a mischievous grin]] Caption: I'm a pig for Halloween! / DID YOU KNOW... / Ray just came back from MEXICO! Sorry, no souvenirs...unless you count a spider bite that looks like a tablespoon of blackberry jam. / Put a baseball cap and sunglasses on a celebrity and BOOM! Disguise! Next time you see that outfit, you gotta wonder...Garth Brooks? Dale Junior? / The police came and are giving Lyle a talking-to! I guess he had irked them. Wait...he irked someone at a bar last night...forty-three times...stitches...developing... / SENSATION DEVELOPMENT: / Lyle is arrested. / ***GRAB BAG*** / HEY-O! Did you know that a prison costs the state more than it costs the criminal? This fact comes to us from little Todd Squirrel! Prison costs the state "like a hundred bucks a day," and the crook gets free stew and jammies! Sound like heaven, anyone? / EMBARRASSING / Téodor was checking some snapshots of naked people for his art degree, and I butted in without knocking! I am embarrassed. I need to get better about knocking. (Don't worry about what I saw...it's all a blur.) / [[there are two torso-and-above pictures of the same serious looking gentleman, presumably naked]] / Caption: Fig 1. This man is naked / EMOTICONS! :^0 / There's a new language and it's letter-art! Check below. / Smiley face: :) / Sad face: :( / Idiot: 8•|| / Opera Singer: ?:© / UFO bomber: €˙.˙˙˙˙˚ . ˚ ˙ ˚ / Do you have a photographic memory, or do you just SAY you do? It's hard to test for, but most people are lying. I'm proud to admit that I don't. / Venice is an Italian City where they use boats instead of cars! Must make for some boring police chases! "Pull-a over! Do-a the right thing! Why do you gotta be-a so bad? / Phillipe is five. He don't know too much stuff yet so some of this is made up. Don't take it as the final word. -R.B. / {{Alt text: Lyle irked a man right into the ICU.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10272006
Friday Facts - Nudity [[singe panel page of The Phillipe Times]] / The Phillipe Times / Halloween is not Satanic. It is Satan-neutral™! / Vol 8 No. 6 / Friday Facts! / by Phillipe, editor-in-chief! / [[Picture of Phillipe with a pig nose and, curly wig and a mischievous grin]] Caption: I'm a pig for Halloween! / DID YOU KNOW... / Ray just came back from MEXICO! Sorry, no souvenirs...unless you count a spider bite that looks like a tablespoon of blackberry jam. / Put a baseball cap and sunglasses on a celebrity and BOOM! Disguise! Next time you see that outfit, you gotta wonder...Garth Brooks? Dale Junior? / The police came and are giving Lyle a talking-to! I guess he had irked them. Wait...he irked someone at a bar last night...forty-three times...stitches...developing... / SENSATION DEVELOPMENT: / Lyle is arrested. / ***GRAB BAG*** / HEY-O! Did you know that a prison costs the state more than it costs the criminal? This fact comes to us from little Todd Squirrel! Prison costs the state "like a hundred bucks a day," and the crook gets free stew and jammies! Sound like heaven, anyone? / EMBARRASSING / Téodor was checking some snapshots of naked people for his art degree, and I butted in without knocking! I am embarrassed. I need to get better about knocking. (Don't worry about what I saw...it's all a blur.) / [[there are two torso-and-above pictures of the same serious looking gentleman, presumably naked]] / Caption: Fig 1. This man is naked / EMOTICONS! :^0 / There's a new language and it's letter-art! Check below. / Smiley face: :) / Sad face: :( / Idiot: 8•|| / Opera Singer: ?:© / UFO bomber: €˙.˙˙˙˙˚ . ˚ ˙ ˚ / Do you have a photographic memory, or do you just SAY you do? It's hard to test for, but most people are lying. I'm proud to admit that I don't. / Venice is an Italian City where they use boats instead of cars! Must make for some boring police chases! "Pull-a over! Do-a the right thing! Why do you gotta be-a so bad? / Phillipe is five. He don't know too much stuff yet so some of this is made up. Don't take it as the final word. -R.B. / {{Alt text: Lyle irked a man right into the ICU.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10272006
Friday Facts - Nudity [[singe panel page of The Phillipe Times]] / The Phillipe Times / Halloween is not Satanic. It is Satan-neutral™! / Vol 8 No. 6 / Friday Facts! / by Phillipe, editor-in-chief! / [[Picture of Phillipe with a pig nose and, curly wig and a mischievous grin]] Caption: I'm a pig for Halloween! / DID YOU KNOW... / Ray just came back from MEXICO! Sorry, no souvenirs...unless you count a spider bite that looks like a tablespoon of blackberry jam. / Put a baseball cap and sunglasses on a celebrity and BOOM! Disguise! Next time you see that outfit, you gotta wonder...Garth Brooks? Dale Junior? / The police came and are giving Lyle a talking-to! I guess he had irked them. Wait...he irked someone at a bar last night...forty-three times...stitches...developing... / SENSATION DEVELOPMENT: / Lyle is arrested. / ***GRAB BAG*** / HEY-O! Did you know that a prison costs the state more than it costs the criminal? This fact comes to us from little Todd Squirrel! Prison costs the state "like a hundred bucks a day," and the crook gets free stew and jammies! Sound like heaven, anyone? / EMBARRASSING / Téodor was checking some snapshots of naked people for his art degree, and I butted in without knocking! I am embarrassed. I need to get better about knocking. (Don't worry about what I saw...it's all a blur.) / [[there are two torso-and-above pictures of the same serious looking gentleman, presumably naked]] / Caption: Fig 1. This man is naked / EMOTICONS! :^0 / There's a new language and it's letter-art! Check below. / Smiley face: :) / Sad face: :( / Idiot: 8•|| / Opera Singer: ?:© / UFO bomber: €˙.˙˙˙˙˚ . ˚ ˙ ˚ / Do you have a photographic memory, or do you just SAY you do? It's hard to test for, but most people are lying. I'm proud to admit that I don't. / Venice is an Italian City where they use boats instead of cars! Must make for some boring police chases! "Pull-a over! Do-a the right thing! Why do you gotta be-a so bad? / Phillipe is five. He don't know too much stuff yet so some of this is made up. Don't take it as the final word. -R.B. / {{Alt text: Lyle irked a man right into the ICU.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10272006
a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10272008">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10272008 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
Achewood - October 28, 2002 Teodor (offpanel): Philippe! Package for you! / Philippe: Oh boy! It came! / Teodor: What did you get? / Philippe: Watch! / [[Philippe turns around showing he now has thick eyebrows]] / [[Box reading: / 'Kids! It's the... / "Lil' Emeril" Eyebrow Kit / LOOK LIKE EMERIL]] / {{Alt Text: no one can say this is a bad idea}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10282002
Achewood - October 28, 2002 Téodor (offpanel): Philippe! Package for you! / Philippe: Oh boy! It came! / Téodor: What did you get? / Philippe: Watch! / [[Philippe turns around showing he now has thick eyebrows]] / [[Box reading: / Kids! It's the... / "Lil' Emeril" Eyebrow Kit / LOOK LIKE EMERIL]] / {{Alt Text: no one can say this is a bad idea}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10282002
 
Achewood - October 28, 2003 - Japanese Interests Teodor: Ray! is for what?! / Ray: Make love like a mountain! / Teodor: Oh!! Seven-kinky! / Ray: Oooh. Hold on, is my tummy. / <> / Teodor: Pill has hella side product! / <<"SIGH">> / Ray: Life is never neat; life is always bad.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10282003
Achewood - October 28, 2003 - Japanese Interests {{Dear Readers: Due to financial mismanagement, we have been forced to sell Achewood off to Japanese interests. It has been a pleasure providing you with comics these last few years. Please enjoy the new strip. -CTO}} / Teodor: Ray! is for what?! / Ray: Make love like a mountain! / Teodor: Oh!! Seven-kinky! / Ray: Oooh. Hold on, is my tummy. / <> / Teodor: Pill has hella side product! / <<"SIGH">> / Ray: Life is never neat; life is always bad.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10282003
Achewood - October 28, 2003 - Japanese Interests {{ 10/28/03 - Dear Readers: Due to financial mismanagement, we have been forced to sell Achewood off to Japanese interests. It has been a pleasure providing you with comics these last few years. Please enjoy the new strip. -CTO }} / Teodor: Ray! Is for what?! / Ray: Make love like a mountain! / Teodor: Oh!! Seven-kinky! / Ray: Oooh. Hold on, is my tummy. / <> / Teodor: Pill has hella side product! / <<"SIGH">> / Ray: Life is never neat; life is always bad. / {{ CAPTION TEXT DISCONTINUE; NOT PROFITABLE }}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10282003
Achewood - October 28, 2004 [[Ray reading]] / Ray (thinking): Well would you look at that! They discovered that Pluto is just a pissed-off piece of snow! Ain't no planet at all! / <> / {{Roast Beef opening door]] / Ray: Beef! / Roast Beef: Oh uh hey Ray how's it goin' / Ray: How's it going with YOU, Mr. Hurlin' in the Bathroom? / Roast Beef: Oh man could you hear that through the door / Ray: Could I hear it through the door? They practically evacuated the building! You sounded like Chewbacca tryin' to lose weight for the prom! / Ray: Seriously, Beef, if movin' in with that broad is gonna burn you on the molars, you gotta pull the brake. Sickin' up breakfast is nature's way of telling you to reconsider your situation! / Roast Beef: Dogg but sometimes maybe great advances come at somewhat of a price you know / Ray: You're sellin' yourself toupees. Let's go hit the Smoke. / {{Chewbacca's mom is all banging on the door, YOU BETTER NOT GET ANY ON THAT SIX HUNDRED DOLLAR DRESS DO YOU HEAR ME CHEWBACCA}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10282004
Achewood - October 28, 2005 [[Ray is entering through a door that is left ajar, he has both hands in the air in seeming exasperation]] Ray: Man, we got to get some thinner toilet paper up at this place! / I feel like I'm wipin' my ass with a damn Belgian waffle! / Roast Beef [[seated on a lounge chair]]: Oh uh Ray you may want to see this / Ray [[standing next to the lounge chair, looking directly at Roast Beef who is looking back up at him]]: Huh? What? Why did you say that? / Roast Beef: They cut into 60 Minutes 'cause there is urgen news about a boy driving a Honda Civic into a lake at one inch per hour / Check it out [[Ray now has both hands on hips and a steady frown]] / Ray [[still looking only at Roast Beef]]: That's a lame car. Sensible, but lame. Why should I care? / Roast Beef [[alone in the frame, looking worriedly at the TV]]: Just look at the screen will you / Ray [[frowning harder]]: No. Uh-uh. Nothin' doin'. I seen a Honda Civic before, and I don't need to waste a bunch of time re-seeing it. / Roast Beef [[angry himself now]]: Come on dude just look for three seconds / Ray [[alone in the frame, he is irate and pointing a finger at Roast Beef]]: Forget it, Beef! That's ridiculous! Anyone would tell you the same! / [[Ray is leaving the room, back to Roast Beef who has turned his head to watch him go]] Ray: I'll be in the kitchen. I got an idea for a drink called a Jeepers Creepers. / [[Roast Beef turns back to the TV, frowning]] / [[Ray has put his head back around the corner, causing Roast Beef to jump a little and turn his head back to look]] Ray: Not sitting around seeing Honda Civics - inventing stuff. That's me. That's how I live.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10282005
Achewood - October 28, 2005 [[Ray is entering through a door that is left ajar, he has both hands in the air in seeming exasperation]] Ray: Man, we got to get some thinner toilet paper up at this place! / I feel like I'm wipin' my ass with a damn Belgian waffle! / Roast Beef [[seated on a lounge chair]]: Oh uh Ray you may want to see this / Ray [[standing next to the lounge chair, looking directly at Roast Beef who is looking back up at him]]: Huh? What? Why did you say that? / Roast Beef: They cut into 60 Minutes 'cause there is urgent news about a boy driving a Honda Civic into a lake at one inch per hour / Check it out [[Ray now has both hands on hips and a steady frown]] / Ray [[still looking only at Roast Beef]]: That's a lame car. Sensible, but lame. Why should I care? / Roast Beef [[alone in the frame, looking worriedly at the TV]]: Just look at the screen will you / Ray [[frowning harder]]: No. Uh-uh. Nothin' doin'. I seen a Honda Civic before, and I don't need to waste a bunch of time re-seeing it. / Roast Beef [[angry himself now]]: Come on dude just look for three seconds / Ray [[alone in the frame, he is irate and pointing a finger at Roast Beef]]: Forget it, Beef! That's ridiculous! Anyone would tell you the same! / [[Ray is leaving the room, back to Roast Beef who has turned his head to watch him go]] Ray: I'll be in the kitchen. I got an idea for a drink called a Jeepers Creepers. / [[Roast Beef turns back to the TV, frowning]] / [[Ray has put his head back around the corner, causing Roast Beef to jump a little and turn his head back to look]] Ray: Not sitting around seeing Honda Civics - inventing stuff. That's me. That's how I live.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10282005
Achewood § October 28, 2009 [[A North Korean magic realist computer program narrates an adventure for Todd.]] / You park the van by the giant, hollow Hemlock stump. A falcon circles overhead. Ultraviolet Thunder speaks. / "OK Glorious Ranger. First thing of Sam Gribley is catch fish make dinner. You do that. I decorate Fortress of The Screaming Mansion sacred treasure." / C:\> I can't catch a f-f-frikkin' fish! / Ultraviolet Thunder waits patiently for your negative attitude to pass. / C:\> if you ain't noticed, pal, a fish's like a frikkin' alligator ta me! / "Have 'Juche,' Glorious Ranger. Self-reliance. Only principle of success." / C:\> easy for you ta say! a trout can't fit your n-n-nuts in its mouth! / Ultraviolet Thunder pauses, but then resumes his grace and crosses his arms. / "Do it or you go Punishment side of tree." / C:\> no! / "Glorious Ranger, that One." / C:\> up yours, dude! / "Glorious Ranger that Two. You not want Three." / C:\> fukkit go to punishment side of tree / You are on the Punishment side of the tree. There is a mirror here, for seeing your shame, and a stick, for hitting yourself on the shins and forearms. / C:\> tie mirror ta stick, look around tree at what he's d-d-doin' / Undetected by you, Ultraviolet Thunder removes a custom Louis Vuitton trunk from the van. / C:\> look in trunk / The trunk contains: / A framed portrait of Kim Jong-il / A framed portrait of Lita Ford / Votive candles / Matches / A red Fender Stratocaster w/white pick guard / Hennessy Cognac / A 36-pack of Stro-Nax Triple-Thin Condoms w/Lifelike Extendo-Beet / head insert / C:\> gross / [[text accompanying crude picture of Kim Jong-il peering from behind a mountain and a bird]] / MY SIDE OF MOUNTAIN! ! / BETTER THAN A VACATION, MORE THAN A DECISION / Kim Jong-il: Acorn need work to be tasty. Best place of latrine? 100 meter from area.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10282009
Achewood - October 29, 2001 Lyle: What are you doing, Teodor? / Teodor: I'm programming my own website! / {{tap tap}} / Lyle: Your website sucks! I can't read anything over that obnoxious background image. / Teodor: Why don't you just TRY a little harder? / Lyle: Why don't you just get rid of that stupid background image? / Teodor: Why don't you just GO TO HELL, Lyle? / Lyle: I AM in hell, when I look at your website! / Lyle: And what graveyard did you get that dancing baby out of?
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10292001
Achewood - October 29, 2001 Lyle: What are you doing, Téodor? / Téodor: I'm programming my own website! / {{tap tap}} / Lyle: Your website sucks! I can't read anything over that obnoxious background image. / Téodor: Why don't you just TRY a little harder? / Lyle: Why don't you just get rid of that stupid background image? / Téodor: Why don't you just GO TO HELL, Lyle? / Lyle: I AM in hell, when I look at your website! / Lyle: And what graveyard did you get that dancing baby out of?
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10292001
Achewood - October 29, 2001 [[Teodor works on a computer while Lyle looks over his shoulder.]] / Lyle: What are you doing, Teodor? / Teodor: I'm programming my own website! / <> / Lyle: Your website sucks! I can't read anything over that obnoxious background image. / Teodor: Why don't you just TRY a little harder? / Lyle: Why don't you just get rid of that stupid background image? / Teodor: Why don't you just GO TO HELL, Lyle? / Lyle: I AM in hell, when I look at your website! / Lyle: And what graveyard did you get that dancing baby out of? / [[Teodor closes his eyes.]]
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10292001
 

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