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Achewood - Téodor in the chat room - October 17, 2001 [[Téodor sits at a computer, typing. A periscope looks over his shoulder]] / <> / [[Still typing]] / <> / [[Philippe appears at his elbow, holding the periscope]] / Philippe: So, are you RoughBoy99 or pants_come_off?
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10172001
Achewood - October 17, 2001 [[Téodor sits at a computer, typing. A periscope looks over his shoulder]] / <> / [[Téodor is still typing. The periscope is now higher in the frame]] / <> / [[Philippe appears at his elbow, holding the periscope]] / Philippe: So, are you RoughBoy99 or pants_come_off?
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10172001
Achewood - October 17, 2003 [[Ray brings what appears to be a roast chicken to the dining room table, where Little Nephew is seated]] / Ray: Little Nephew! I made us up some Chicken a la King! New recipe! / Little Nephew: Oh, uh, I'm gettin' kind of allergic to chicken lately. Do we got any pizza rolls, Uncle Ray? / [[Header: LATER THAT EVENING]] / Ray [on phone]: Hey Beef! Can a kid be allergic to chicken? / Beef [also one phone]: Oh uh no Ray can't nobody be allergic to chicken It is one of the Basic meats Of no offense to anybody / [[Only Beef pictured, not Ray]] / Ray: So, like, even the Bubble Boy could eat it? / Beef: On the last day of the Bubble Boy's life he asked for chicken yakitori Used the skewer to pop his own bubble / Beef {{looking sad}}: Last thing he said was Awesome thanks for the chicken I loved it so much It was the only pleasure I ever knew / Beef {{with back to reader}}: He used sign language to say this to the scientists Everyone who was on hand completely cried their hearts out as the plastic bubble drew tightly across his face Slowly suffocating him / [[Panel of Beef, back turned, on phone. No text.]] / [[Panel of Beef looking at the phone.]] / [[Panel of Beef pressing a button on the phone]] / <>
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10172003
Achewood - October 17, 2003 [[Ray brings what appears to be a roast chicken to the dining room table, where Little Nephew is seated]] / Ray: Little Nephew! I made us up some Chicken a la King! New recipe! / Little Nephew: Oh, uh, I'm gettin' kind of allergic to chicken lately. Do we got any pizza rolls, Uncle Ray? / [[Header: LATER THAT EVENING]] / Ray [on phone]: Hey Beef! Can a kid be allergic to chicken? / Beef [also one phone]: Oh uh no Ray can't nobody be allergic to chicken It is one of the Basic meats Of no offense to anybody / [[Only Beef pictured, not Ray]] / Ray: So, like, even the Bubble Boy could eat it? / Beef: On the last day of the Bubble Boy's life he asked for chicken yakitori Used the skewer to pop his own bubble / Beef {{looking sad}}: Last thing he said was Awesome thanks for the chicken I loved it so much It was the only pleasure I ever knew / Beef {{with back to reader}}: He used sign language to say this to the scientists Everyone who was on hand completely cried their hearts out as the plastic bubble drew tightly across his face Slowly suffocating him / [[Panel of Beef, back turned, on phone. No text.]] / [[Panel of Beef looking at the phone.]] / [[Panel of Beef pressing a button on the phone]] / <>
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Achewood - October 17, 2005 Ray: Daaamn, my MENSA renewal is here! / [[ The letter ]] / Hello, Ray Smuckles! / It's time to renew your membership in MENSA, the international society of geniuses! / To renew, simply answer the following riddle, mail in your check, and prepare for another *incredible* year as *yourself*! / Sincerely, / [[The test]] / Eight letters have been dropped on the ground next to a volume containing the complete works of Pliny the Elder. When untangled, what do they spell? / RUTABAGA / [[The form]] / Know: $65 (do not guess) / Your Answer: THANKS! (a blank, filled in by Ray) / Don't know: $75 / [[A check from Ray to Mensa for $75, signed -=RAY=- ]] / [[Ray seals the envelope and puts it in the mailbox.]] / {{Ray can only name three Beatles}}
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Achewood - October 17, 2006 Lonis F. Edison: You've caught me at just the right time, Smuckles. My lingering distaste for commercialism as a business model has been abating of late. / Lonis F. Edison: Soon the magazine advertisments of gap-toothed tots in backwards baseball caps will feature OUR name at bottom right! / Ray: Oh HELL yes! / Lonis F. Edison: This calls for celebration. I'll mix us a Singapore Sling. I hope you don't mind sharing. One pays dearly for grenadine in Mexico. I can't understand their distaste for the product. To me it speaks of a flaw in the fabric of the national character. / <> / <> / Lonis F. Edison: That was the sound of someone breaking a Morriss leaded glass fume hood! I should know, I've done it six times! / Ray: [[thinking]] Dammit, Hockawock! / Soon / [[Bensington is crouched in a corner, shivering]] / Ray: Jesus, Lonis! What happened to the dude got him parked that way? / Lonis F. Edison: He seems to have snuck a swig from one of my early test ketchups. Does he hail perchance from the state of Florida? / Ray: That tacky son of a bitch! He gonna be alright? / Lonis F. Edison: Only if he derives pleasure from having just learned the date of his own death. Look how close the black stone was to the bottle before he drank from it. / Ray: Huh? Stones? / Lonis F. Edison: This converter uses three: a Quinn, a baying hematite, and the Unlamented Kay White. How you place them relative to the object to be converted makes up its character. / Lonis F. Edison: The Quinn likes to tell you when you'll die. I normally place her at least seventeen inches past the other stones... it fuzzes her radar and she just gives the object a nagging melancholy. / Lonis F. Edison: In your friend's case, I expect the heavens ran him straight through with the details of their purchase order. He'll be a changed man. You know the type. Barrels through red lights. Slaps snarling dogs. Eats the fish at weddings. I'll follow your local papers with great interest. Now I'm afraid you must go.
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Achewood - October 17, 2006 Lonis F. Edison: You've caught me at just the right time, Smuckles. My lingering distaste for commercialism as a business model has been abating of late. / Lonis F. Edison: Soon the magazine advertisments of gap-toothed tots in backwards baseball caps will feature OUR name at bottom right! / Ray: Oh HELL yes! / Lonis F. Edison: This calls for celebration. I'll mix us a Singapore Sling. I hope you don't mind sharing. One pays dearly for grenadine in Mexico. I can't understand their distaste for the product. To me it speaks of a flaw in the fabric of the national character. / <> / <> / Lonis F. Edison: That was the sound of someone breaking a Morriss leaded glass fume hood! I should know, I've done it six times! / Ray: [[thinking]] Dammit, Hockawock! / Soon / [[Bensington is crouched in a corner, shivering]] / Ray: Jesus, Lonis! What happened to the dude got him parked that way? / Lonis F. Edison: He seems to have snuck a swig from one of my early test ketchups. Does he hail perchance from the state of Florida? / Ray: That tacky son of a bitch! He gonna be alright? / Lonis F. Edison: Only if he derives pleasure from having just learned the date of his own death. Look how close the black stone was to the bottle before he drank from it. / Ray: Huh? Stones? / Lonis F. Edison: This converter uses three: a Quinn, a baying hematite, and the Unlamented Kay White. How you place them relative to the object to be converted makes up its character. / Baying hematite: <> / Lonis F. Edison: The Quinn likes to tell you when you'll die. I normally place her at least seventeen inches past the other stones... it fuzzes her radar and she just gives the object a nagging melancholy. / Lonis F. Edison: In your friend's case, I expect the heavens ran him straight through with the details of their purchase order. He'll be a changed man. You know the type. Barrels through red lights. Slaps snarling dogs. Eats the fish at weddings. I'll follow your local papers with great interest. Now I'm afraid you must go. / {{ The Baying Hematite would be a good geologist dive bar }} / {{ Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mo0nJ7zJF1M . "Heifetz plays Paganini Caprice No.24" }}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10172006
Achewood - October 17, 2007 [[Todd is sitting at a desk on the set of his television show. He is gesturing a cigarette stage left. There is a classic broadcasting microphone on the desk.]] / Todd: Good job, T! Great frikkin' impressions! / Todd: Now, it's time to take on the grand daddy of 'em all! / Todd: Ol' Blue Eyes, the Chairman 'a the Board...Mr. Frank Sinatra! / [[Téodor, dressed in a tight black shirt.]] / Téodor: Alright, cool. How do you want me to play it? / Todd: Like he was dissin' come hysterical dame who tried ta hit on 'im after a show! / [[Téodor is turned away, covering his eyes.]] / Téodor: Got it. One sec. / [[Téodor, with angry eyebrows and arms outstretched in a "get away" pose.]] / Téodor: Take a chill pill, sista'! Sheesh! If you leaked any more pussy nougat, you'd be a Quimarello! / [[Todd shoots up from his chair. 3/4 view.]] / [[Todd is shaking and holding his hands to his head.]] / Todd: OH...OH MY GOD! / Todd: THE... / Todd: THE PERFECT THING TO SAY, EVER! / [[Todd's head explodes.]] / <> / {{Alt text: Todd heard the perfect thing to say. He heard a thing so perfect to him, his life ended.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10172007
 
a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10172008">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10172008 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
Achewood - Guest-starring Lyle - October 18, 2001 [[Philippe watches "TV" - a cardboard box with Mr. Bear inside]] / Mr. Bear: Welcome to the Mr. Bear Show! / Philippe: Ha ha! Hi Mr. Bear! / Philippe: Who's on your show today? / Mr. Bear: Lyle! / [[Lyle appears in place of Mr. Bear]] / Lyle: Listen, I need to borrow some money.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10182001
Achewood - Guest-starring Lyle - October 18, 2001 [[Philippe watches "TV" - a cardboard box with Mr. Bear inside]] / Mr. Bear: Welcome to the Mr. Bear Show! / Philippe: Ha ha! Hi Mr. Bear! / Philippe: Who's on your show today? / Mr. Bear: Lyle! / [[Lyle appears in place of Mr. Bear, his arm outside of the frame of the "TV"]] / Lyle: Listen, I need to borrow some money.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10182001
Achewood - October 18, 2001 [[Philippe watches "TV" - a cardboard box with Cornelius inside]] / Cornelius: Welcome to the Mr. Bear Show! / Philippe: Ha ha! Hi Mr. Bear! / Philippe: Who's on your show today? / Mr. Bear: Lyle! / [[Lyle appears in place of Cornelius]] / Lyle: Listen, I need to borrow some money.
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Achewood - October 18, 2002 [[Ray is wearing a sombrero and talking to Lyle over a bar.]] / Ray: What it is, Lyle! You into some Tequila? I also got some tasty sangria that Pat brought over! / Lyle: Sangria? / Ray: You know, when somebody puts fruits and stuff in red wine! It's a mexican thing. It represents the blood of Christ or something. / Lyle: Is that right. / Ray: Heh! Yeah. Religion, man. That is some messed-up stuff. / Lyle: Didn't Snoopy have a Mexican cousin? / Ray: You mean Spike? Naw, man. He was just some ugly white dude from L.A. / Lyle: Spike was a pretty lousy character. Didn't he sleep in a cactus? / Ray: Nuh-uh, man. I think he just had a little Datsun where the seat folded down. / {{Alt Text: Spike was on government disability, when he worked at the post office some dude threw a rock real hard at his legs}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10182002
Achewood - That's how the Internet works - October 19, 2001 [[Philippe is seated at the computer, Téodor stands at his elbow]] / Téodor: Look, you just start clicking around. That's how the internet works. / Philippe: Like this? / <> / Téodor: Yeah. / Philippe: What does this do? / Téodor: That's the browser's "History" folder. / <> / Philippe: What do you do with the History folder? / Téodor: Delete it vigilantly. / <>
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Achewood - October 19, 2001 [[Philippe is seated at the computer, Téodor stands at his elbow]] / Téodor: Look, you just start clicking around. That's how the internet works. / Philippe: Like this? / <> / Téodor: Yeah. / Philippe: What does this do? / <> / Téodor: That's the browser's "History" folder. / Philippe: What do you do with the History folder? / Téodor: Delete it vigilantly. / <>
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10192001
Achewood - October 19, 2004 [[Teodor opening a door]] / Teodor: Hey Cornelius! You back yet? I need to look through your cookbooks for something! Hello? HelloHello? / [[Teodor looking at a bookshelf]] / Teodor (thinking): Huh, a little section of cookbooks by celebrity wives... / THE LINDA MCCARTNEY COOKBOOK / Cooking for Guests - Jamie Lee Curtis / How to Cooke - Martha Washington / But Wait, There's More! Desserts From Scratch by Lisa Popeil / [[Teodor holding a book]] / Teodor (thinking): An original eighteenth century cookbook by George Washington's wife! No way! / [[Teodor flips through book]] / <> / STEAK. / Take 1 good Steak and Peper it. / Peper it squarely. / Sizzle the Meat. / Question Korner. / "Q" Is the Steak Unsatisfactory? / "A" Sizzle the Meat, it must sizzle. / {{Damn, a little section of cookbooks}}
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Achewood - October 19, 2004 [[Teodor opening a door]] / Teodor: Hey Cornelius! You back yet? I need to look through your cookbooks for something! Hello? HelloHello? / [[Teodor looking at a bookshelf]] / Teodor (thinking): Huh, a little section of cookbooks by celebrity wives... / THE LINDA MCCARTNEY COOKBOOK / Cooking for Guests - Jamie Lee Curtis / How to Cooke - Martha Washington / But Wait, There's More! Desserts From Scratch by Lisa Popeil / [[Teodor holding a book]] / Teodor (thinking): An original eighteenth century cookbook by George Washington's wife! No way! / [[Teodor flips through book]] / <> / STEAK. / Take 1 good Steak and Peper it. / Peper it squarely. / Sizzle the Meat. / Question Korner. / "Q" Is the Steak Unsatisfactory? / "A" Sizzle the Meat, it _must_ sizzle. / {{Damn, a little section of cookbooks}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10192004
 
Achewood - October 19, 2005 [[Lie Bot is walking towards a doorway through which is heard shouting]] / Lie Bot: Yo yo yo! Why am I hearin' so much fussin' comin' from in there? / Téodor: COME ON, PHILIPPE! / Philippe: NO! / [[Lie Bot is standing next to Téodor, who is admonishing a seated Phillippe at the dinner table]] / Téodor: Philippe's been eating too much fast food. I'm trying to get him to eat healthy again, but he's not going for it. / [[Lie Bot turns to / Lie Bot: Téodor, Téodor, Téodor! I'm surprised at you! / Téodor: What? What do you mean? / Lie Bot: You've got to think about this at a kid-level! Ask yourself, what does a kid like? / [[Philippe is now openly crying]] / Teodor: Getting yelled at while dying of starvation, apparently. / Lie Bot: Ahh. Once the conventional wisdom, but lately refuted. / Lie Bot: Kids like tractors and dinosaurs and kings and stuff! Here, watch this. / [[Lie Bot points at Philippe's plate]] / Lie Bot: Hey Philippe! These are hard-boiled dinosaur eggs! / Phillippe: <> / [[Philippe shovels food into his mouth with his hands]] / Philippe: <> / [[Lie Bot points at Philippe's glass]] / Lie Bot: Umm, Philippe? This isn't carrot juice, it's king piss! / [[Philippe looks at Lie Bot with a look of astonishment, and his cheeks full of food]] / Philippe: <> / [[Philippe chugs the carrot juice]] / Philippe: > / {{Alt Text: This is Achewood, and that little boy thinks for all the world that he is drinking king piss.}}
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Achewood - October 19, 2005 [[Lie Bot is walking towards a doorway through which is heard shouting]] / Lie Bot: Yo yo yo! Why am I hearin' so much fussin' comin' from in there? / Téodor: COME ON, PHILIPPE! / Philippe: NO! / [[Lie Bot is standing next to Téodor, who is admonishing a seated Phillippe at the dinner table]] / Téodor: Philippe's been eating too much fast food. I'm trying to get him to eat healthy again, but he's not going for it. / [[Lie Bot turns to / Lie Bot: Téodor, Téodor, Téodor! I'm surprised at you! / Téodor: What? What do you mean? / Lie Bot: You've got to think about this at a kid-level! Ask yourself, what does a kid like? / [[Philippe is now openly crying]] / Teodor: Getting yelled at while dying of starvation, apparently. / Lie Bot: Ahh. Once the conventional wisdom, but lately refuted. / Lie Bot: Kids like tractors and dinosaurs and kings and stuff! Here, watch this. / [[Lie Bot points at Philippe's plate]] / Lie Bot: Hey Philippe! These are hard-boiled dinosaur eggs! / Phillippe: <> / [[Philippe shovels food into his mouth with his hands]] / Philippe: <> / [[Lie Bot points at Philippe's glass]] / Lie Bot: Umm, Philippe? This isn't carrot juice, it's king piss! / [[Philippe looks at Lie Bot with a look of astonishment, and his cheeks full of food]] / Philippe: <> / [[Philippe chugs the carrot juice]] / Philippe: > / {{Alt Text: This is Achewood, and that little boy thinks for all the world that he is drinking king piss.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10192005
Achewood - October 19, 2005 [[Lie Bot is walking towards a doorway through which is heard shouting]] / Lie Bot: Yo yo yo! Why am I hearin' so much fussin' comin' from in there? / Téodor: COME ON, PHILIPPE! / Philippe: NO! / [[Lie Bot is standing next to Téodor, who is admonishing a seated Phillippe at the dinner table]] / Téodor: Philippe's been eating too much fast food. I'm trying to get him to eat healthy again, but he's not going for it. / [[Lie Bot turns to / Lie Bot: Téodor, Téodor, Téodor! I'm surprised at you! / Téodor: What? What do you mean? / Lie Bot: You've got to think about this at a kid-level! Ask yourself, what does a kid like? / [[Philippe is now openly crying]] / Teodor: Getting yelled at while dying of starvation, apparently. / Lie Bot: Ahh. Once the conventional wisdom, but lately refuted. / Lie Bot: Kids like tractors and dinosaurs and kings and stuff! Here, watch this. / [[Lie Bot points at Philippe's plate]] / Lie Bot: Hey Philippe! These are hard-boiled dinosaur eggs! / Phillippe: <> / [[Philippe shovels food into his mouth with his hands]] / Philippe: <> / [[Lie Bot points at Philippe's glass]] / Lie Bot: Umm, Philippe? This isn't carrot juice, it's king piss! / [[Philippe looks at Lie Bot with a look of astonishment, and his cheeks full of food]] / Philippe: <> / [[Philippe chugs the carrot juice]] / Philippe: > / {{Alt Text: This is Achewood, and that little boy thinks for all the world that he is drinking king piss.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10192005
Achewood - October 19, 2005 [[Lie Bot is walking towards a doorway through which is heard shouting]] / Lie Bot: Yo yo yo! Why am I hearin' so much fussin' comin' from in there? / Téodor: COME ON, PHILIPPE! / Philippe: NO! / [[Lie Bot is standing next to Téodor, who is admonishing a seated Phillippe at the dinner table]] / Téodor: Philippe's been eating too much fast food. I'm trying to get him to eat healthy again, but he's not going for it. / [[Lie Bot turns to / Lie Bot: Téodor, Téodor, Téodor! I'm surprised at you! / Téodor: What? What do you mean? / Lie Bot: You've got to think about this at a kid-level! Ask yourself, what does a kid like? / [[Philippe is now openly crying]] / Teodor: Getting yelled at while dying of starvation, apparently. / Lie Bot: Ahh. Once the conventional wisdom, but lately refuted. / Lie Bot: Kids like tractors and dinosaurs and kings and stuff! Here, watch this. / [[Lie Bot points at Philippe's plate]] / Lie Bot: Hey Philippe! These are hard-boiled dinosaur eggs! / Phillippe: <> / [[Philippe shovels food into his mouth with his hands]] / Philippe: <> / [[Lie Bot points at Philippe's glass]] / Lie Bot: Umm, Philippe? This isn't carrot juice, it's king piss! / [[Philippe looks at Lie Bot with a look of astonishment, and his cheeks full of food]] / Philippe: <> / [[Philippe chugs the carrot juice]] / Philippe: > / {{Alt Text: This is Achewood, and that little boy thinks for all the world that he is drinking king piss.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10192005
Achewood - October 19, 2006 Ray: Wait, hold on. He knows for sure the exact day and time he's gonna die? / Lonis Edison: I am certain he has astoundingly vivid premonitions of the date, time, quality of light, and prevailing wind. Everything save the commemorative plastic cup and game piece. / Ray: [[thinking]] Daaamn. / [[Bensington Butters sitting in the corner of an empty room, weeping.]] / Lonis Edison: [[overheard]] Clipped obituaries have flitted past his eyes. He has wept as grainy footage of pigtailed progeny yet unborn lapped at the backs of his pupils. The scent of spade-work lingers in his olfactory bulbs. He knows his own punchline, and that ruins the joke. / Ray: [[thinking]] Damn. After that Magreaux dog stunt of his, I ain't so sure I feel too bad about this. / Ray: [[thinking]] But...still. It ain't like a Smuckles to leave a player this way. I bet Lonis can wiggle his rocks around and tidy this up. / Ray: Listen, Edison. Why ain't we redoctor this ketchup so it erases those memories...and instead, maybe, he develops an amazing career as a shirtless Irish jump-dancer? / Lonis Edison: Zounds! A challenge! / Ray: [[thinking, and smiling]] Goodbye, Butters. See you in the dreams of chubby female real estate agents who have had menopause. / {{Alt text: Reprogramming Bensington sounds like a great 80s sitcom about a low-class rapper who moved to an affluent neighborhood.}}
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Achewood - October 19, 2007 [[View of Prime Time Records' office door.]] / Ray, not shown: Téodor! Nice work with Todd's head exploding! / Ray, not shown: Viacom's been bustin' down my door tryin' to buy the rights to that footage, dude. / [[Ray is at his desk, on a cordless phone. There is a round, flat box on the table, and next to it lies a soft cheese knife.]] / Ray: Huh? Oh, some pilot called America's Most Harmed Animals. / Ray: They wanna pair it up with this footage of a dog who barfs out a lotta candy near a CEO. / [[Ray is silent.]] / Ray: Actually, I can't say what the CEO does. I'm under an NDA. That's the only way they'd show it to me. / Ray: Well, let's just say that the dude was under a lotta stress, and probably not a good guy to begin with. / [[Ray has taken the lid off the box, and is playing with the gooey contents inside.]] / Ray: Ouch is right, only the dog never got a chance to say that. Come over and have some Brie cheese, man. / {{Alt text: Ray doesn't like to Brie alone.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10192007
Achewood - October 20, 2003 [[Ray and Little Nepher at Ray's table]] / Ray: Alright, well, if you really are allergic to chicken we're gonna have to go see the doctor. / Little Nephew: What?! No we don't! / Ray: We gotta get you that allergy bracelet, and have them pump your butt all full with vaccine shots! / Little Nephew: They put shots in your BUTT? / Ray: Hell yes! They take that big old needle and stick it right up Thermometer Lane! / Little Nephew: I mean...I THOUGHT I was allergic to chicken at KFC yesterday...but that chicken might have been kind of old! / Little Nephew: Here, let me try it again! / Ray: No, no, can't risk it! I'll see if we can set up an emergency appointment with Dr. Andretti. / Ray: I worry about you! / [[Ray is on the telephone. Little Nephew's eyes widen.]] / Narrator: SOON / Ray: That's right, Dr. Andretti! Right up old Thermometer Lane! Heh heh! / Ray: What's that? You have a second device which can also tell if he is in Puberty? Awesome! / {{Alt-text: This machine can tell puberty from non-puberty}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10202003
Achewood - October 20, 2003 [[Ray and Little Nephew at Ray's table]] / Ray: Alright, well, if you really are allergic to chicken we're gonna have to go see the doctor. / Little Nephew: What?! No we don't! / Ray: We gotta get you that allergy bracelet, and have them pump your butt all full with vaccine shots! / Little Nephew: They put shots in your BUTT? / Ray: Hell yes! They take that big old needle and stick it right up Thermometer Lane! / Little Nephew: I mean...I THOUGHT I was allergic to chicken at KFC yesterday...but that chicken might have been kind of old! / Little Nephew: Here, let me try it again! / Ray: No, no, can't risk it! I'll see if we can set up an emergency appointment with Dr. Andretti. / Ray: I worry about you! / [[Ray is on the telephone. Little Nephew's eyes widen.]] / Narrator: SOON / Ray: That's right, Dr. Andretti! Right up old Thermometer Lane! Heh heh! / Ray: What's that? You have a second device which can also tell if he is in Puberty? Awesome! / {{Alt-text: This machine can tell puberty from non-puberty}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10202003
Beef/Molly cold feet [[Entrance to vehicular tunnel.]] / <> / [[Roast Beef and Ray are riding in Ray's Escalade.]] / Ray: So you gettin' cold feet about movin' in with Molly, huh? / Beef: It's a hard thing to reverse is all / Beef: If it doesn't work out there are hell of bad times while you sort out whose copy of Achtung Baby is whose / Beef: And what about the colander I bought that only she uses I mean what do you do about that / Ray: You're thinkin' too far ahead, Beef. Just do it, and if you don't dig it, you can stay in my pool house 'til it all blows over. / Beef: But what about Molly where would she go / Ray: You feel like you got to take care of everybody, man. That chick probably needs you like she needs a hot shovel. / Beef: Man I couldn't let her rent a place all by herself what if the landlord quoted her false terms / [[Escalade enters tunnel.]] / <>
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Achewood - October 20, 2005 Ray: Well, what do you think? / Beef: How come you would chose a harlequin as your halloween costume Ray / Ray: It's a good costume, man! It symbolizes a clown! / Beef: But since you have the choice why not be like Captain Morgan or Charlie Watts you know...Both guys are seen as hotter than a clown / Ray: A clown is incredibly hot, fool! / Ray: Why you think moms always hire clowns for they kids' parties?! Kids hate clowns! But Moms know that a clown packs! / Beef: Man don't kid yourself nobody thinks that a clown packs / Ray: <> / Ray: Dude, I paid eight hundred bucks for this. Is it a total loss? / Beef: Depends on how many coconut rum drinks you let the Michelin Man buy you / {{Alt Text: Please write 500 words on the subject of getting cruised by the Michelin Man.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10202005
Achewood - October 20, 2006 The Philippe Times / Vol 8 No. 5 / Back Page: When You Take a Shower, You Get Drenched! / Friday Facts! / by Philippe, editor-in-chief! / DID YOU KNOW... / [[Picture of Philippe, in light gray]] / This is what I would look like in black-and-white / *CARAMEL* isn't really "caramel" at all! It's sugar melted down with cream and water! / LIGHT SPEED: / Light travels really fast - 186,281 miles per second - much faster than we need it to. It turns out that most of the time we only need light to travel about thirty-five miles per hour, the same speed as a *Dodge Neon.* / CAN KNIGHTS DISAGREE WITH POLICEMEN? / Only on neutral ground, such as *Iceland*. Fact. / ACORN UPDATE / Yeah, don't eat 'em. / GUESS JAR / Everybody knows that I'll make some mistakes each day. Here's a fun "social orthotic" [Cornelius said those words]: set up a *Guess Jar*! Every time someone wants to guess what my daily mistakes will be, they put a coin in the Guess Jar. Then they can say their guesses out loud! / [[Woodcut of a naked man with shaggy hair approaching a pedestal, around which is entwined a serpent. Contains the words "GENIUS ??? ???".]] / Fig 1. *The first genius*. / *Dogs* can't drink from straws! No lips. Not good ones, anyway. More like "mouth edges." Sheesh! How many Sundays DID *God* take off, anyways?! I think God owes dogs some do-overs. / *In the "This Is Crazy" Department:* / Scallops can swim! They don't just stay stuck to the sea bed like oysters or clams! Oh my god I almost barfed on the ground when I saw Animal Planet's show about scallops and one shot up and swam away like a crazy catcher's mitt. / *Envirotek Deck Restoration* will give you 10% off sanding and sealing! This is our first ad. Not quite sure how this works. I don't think you call me. I think you call them. Tell them I'm running their ad. / Chris has put over fifty dollars in the Guess Jar. He says it's "cheaper than therapy or *bullets*." / THE BIG RELIGIONS: / Christian, Buddhist, Islam, Hindu. *Also*: Jewish. / The best painting in the world? The *Mona Lisa*. Hands down. / LYLE just beat a guy up! He says the guy really *"bent over and took it"*, too. I don't like fighting but Lyle is very inspirational with his energy. I think he could run a great church if he wasn't the opposite of a church.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10202006
a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10202008">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10202008 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
Achewood - October 21, 2002 [[The title of Jeopardy, the game show, is displayed]] / Alex Trebek: I am: THE FERMULE / <> / Alex: Yes! Téodor. / Téodor: What is the basic unit of Physics, Alex! / Alex: Very good! / Alex: Next Answer: Cubans are this! / <> / Lyle: What is bisalivary? / Alex: Correct! And now for $600: He likes to make these! / <> / Alex: Lyle again! / Lyle: What are clown jokes! / Alex: Very good! OOH and now a Daily Double! / Alex: Who once told his wife to "smile like a donut"? / <> / Alex: Yes, Lyle! / Lyle: The...oh, crap. Uh, the person who invented Halloween? / Alex: No, I'm sorry Lyle! / Lyle: FUCK! / <> / Alex: Téodor, do you have an answer for us? / Téodor: You did, Alex! / Alex: Correct! High-five! / {{If MS WORD was a better program it would automatically capitalize Ghostbusters}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10212002
Achewood - October 21, 2002 [[The 'Jeopardy' logo on a black background]] / [[Alex Trebek reads a question from a sheet of paper he holds]] / Alex: I am: THE FERMULE. / <> / Alex: Yes! Téodor! / [[Téodor, holding a signalling device, stands behind his player's station]] / Téodor: What is the basic unit of Physics, Alex! / Alex (off-panel): Very good! / [[Alex reading another question]] / Alex: Next answer: Cubans are this! / <> / Alex: Lyle! / [[Lyle, holding a signalling device, stands behind his player's station]] / Lyle: What is bisalivary? / Alex (off-panel): Correct! And now for $600: He likes to make these! / <> / [[Lyle, as before]] / Alex (off-panel): Lyle again! / Lyle: What are clown jokes! / Alex: Very good! OOH and now a Daily Double! / [[Alex reading another question]] / Alex: Who once told his wife to "smile like a donut"? / <> / Alex: Yes, Lyle! / [[Lyle looking unsure]] / Lyle: The.. oh,crap. Uh... the person who invented Halloween? / Alex (off-panel): No, I'm sorry Lyle! / Lyle: FUCK! / [[Téodor with his signalling device]] / <> / Alex (off-panel): Téodor, do you have an answer for us? / Téodor: You did, Alex! / Alex (off-panel): Correct! High five! / {{Archive title: Jeopardy!}} / {{Alt-text: If MS WORD was a better program it would automatically capitalize Ghostbusters}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10212002
Achewood - October 21, 2002 [[Title card: JEOPARDY!]] / Alex Trebek: I am: THE FERMULE. / <> / Alex: Yes! Téodor! / [[Téodor is at a podium, holding a buzzer.]] / Téodor: What is the basic unit of Physics, Alex! / Alex Trebek: Very good! / [Alex Trebek gestures with his hand]] / Alex Trebek: Next answer: Cubans are this! / <> / Alex Trebek: Lyle! / [Lyle is also at a podium and holding a buzzer.]] / Lyle: What is bisalivary? / Alex Trebek: Correct! And now for $600: He likes to make these! / <> / Alex Trebek: Lyle again! / Lyle: What are clown jokes! / Alex Trebek: Very good! OOH and now a Daily Double! / Alex: Who once told his wife to "smile like a donut"? / <> / Alex: Yes, Lyle! / Lyle: The...oh, crap. Uh, the person who invented Halloween? / Alex: No, I'm sorry Lyle! / Lyle: FUCK! / <> / Alex Trebek: Téodor, do you have an answer for us? / Téodor: You did, Alex! / Alex Trebek: Correct! High-five! / {{If MS WORD was a better program it would automatically capitalize Ghostbusters}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10212002
Achewood - October 21, 2003 [[Ray and Beef in two easy chairs]] / Ray: So! You think you ever gonna want kids, Beef? / Roast Beef: Is this like one of those emotional conversations / Ray: Seriously! You ever picture a little one on your knee, same face as you? / Roast Beef: I see you been readin' my nightmare journal / Roast Beef: Next you gonna mention lifting up a nacho and seein' a big old terrified eye starin' at you / {{alt-text: Well, I don't know, how do you end up as the terrified eye in the nachos}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10212003
 
Achewood - October 21, 2004 [[Roast Beef approaches the Crown Hat Bookseller magazine rack]] / Roast Beef: Dang man how long even has it been since I seen a Playboy / Maybe the Advisor has some advice about moving in with girlfriends / Roast Beef: Lessee here what's he got to say this time / Hm wow a resource for buying discontinued high-end phonograph needles / Roast Beef: Fuel additives aren't really necessary in most cars well I'll be diddled / It's actually more logistical to have a four-way than a three-way well no wonder last saturday was such a big disappointment / [[Roast Beef looks shocked]] / Roast Beef: Woah / Woah Woah Woah Woah Woah / Article: My Boyfriend of 1+ years and I talked about getting a place together but lately he's been balking. We currently live with his unbearable grandmother (you can see through her teeth to the pulp inside) in a smelly trailer. We make enough money between the two of us to get a little studio somewhere, yet he is having trouble committing. How can I tell if this is a nonstarter? Miss M, Achewood, California. / Dear M, It was the great Groucho Marx who once said "I would not join any club that would have me as a member." It sounds to us like your s.o. suffers from that most common of male maladies- {{illegible}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10212004
Achewood - October 21, 2005 [[Ray and Teodor stand over an open crate of bottles]] / Teodor: What's in the crate, Ray? / Ray: This is my new Whiskey a la Mood sampler! / Teodor: What's that? / Ray: Twelve bottles of whiskey, each one guaranteed to make you feel a different way! / [[Ray pulls a bottle up a few inches]] / Ray: This one makes you all cozy and nostalgic... / [[Ray pulls up another bottle]] / Ray: ...and this one will make you boisterous and friendly, but in a way that will be too strong for some people. / [[Ray pulls a bottle out of the crate and examines it]] / Ray: Ooh, cool! The all-black bottle! / Teodor: What's that one do? / Ray: It's the wild card! You got to guess what the effect is! Here, see if you can tell. / [[Ray drinks from the bottle.]] / [[Ray subsides into silence.]] / [[Suddenly furious, Ray gestures at Teodor with the bottle. Teodor recoils]] / Ray: KISS MY ASS, BITCH! I'LL BE AT DUANE'S! / [[Ray slaps Teodor]] / {{Alt: This Friday, leave every room in style. Yell KISS MY ASS, BITCH! I'LL BE AT DUANE'S!}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10212005
Achewood § October 21, 2009 [[Computer printout on spindled paper]] / You are peeling out in the illegal van. It goes so fast that you leave North Korea. / Suddenly, someone is in the passenger seat...sagely, benevolently observing. / C:\> who tha frick's that?! / "It's me, Kim Jong-il. You make bold choice and find secret doorway from country. Well done." / C:\> b-but ain't you that guy who don't like people leavin' his country? / The Dear Leader turns down the radio with his own, personal hand, and resumes speaking. / "Todd, do you like the story My Side of Mountain?" / C:\> I...uh...I ain't seen that one. / "Is book. Story of boy who can live on own in forest. Brave like you Todd." / "I admit it I make bad mess in my country. Build giant hotel with no possible guest ever allowed; not good idea. National dish is cold noodle eat at card table; not good too. I even lie when I back over cat after party of friend, but everyone knew was Kim Jong-il." / C:\> s-s-so what? / "We go start new country Todd. You and me, in forest. Better than last one. You title is...The Glorious Ranger." / C:\> n-n-nice! what about you? / "I now Ultraviolet Thunder, Immortal Master of Eagles." / C:\> that's frikkin' tough as hell, man! / Ultraviolet Thunder pauses, wisely, in deep thought. / "Glorious Ranger, I harbor idea five year. Name of new country is..." / "PEOPLE'S KINGDOM OF ECSTASY AND WRATH!" / He mentions that it includes the exclamation point. / C:\> peel out S-S-SO FRIKKIN' HARD! / You peel out towards...destiny. Ultraviolet Thunder reminds you not to call him fat. / [[Todd's van peels out. Caption: SCREEEE! YOU PEEL - OUT!]] / [[2 panels of Kim Jong-Il enjoying the peel-out. Caption: THE DEAR LEADER LIKES THIS. DO IT AGAIN!]] / [[Todd's van peels out.]] / [[Another panel of a happy Kim Jong-Il.]] / {{Teodor inspects a puddle. Caption: MEANWHILE.}} / Teodor: What the...why's there all this stinky pee on the garage floor?! / {{Text in the puddle: ...the... that... personally... tied a chain... a pregnant woman...each chain...}} / Teodor: Whoah! What the heck's it reflecting? There's no computer monitor in here! / Teodor: Maybe...spread the puddle out with this stick... read it better... / <> / {{Alt-text: Reading cult propaganda through a film of animal urine is the new Fox News.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10212009
Achewood - Liquor Cabinet Taste Test - October 22, 2001 [[Téodor stands next to a bottle, Mr. Bear tastes from a glass]] / Téodor: Alright, this one's called "Vodka." What do you think of it? / Mr. Bear: It's nice, but it's kind of strong. / <> / [[Two bottles, Mr. Bear tastes again]] / Téodor: This one says "Bourbon" on it. Is it different? / Mr. Bear: Yeah! It's different, but I can't say how. / <> / [[Three bottles]] / Téodor: Okay, that was "Tequila." How does it compare? / [[Mr. Bear throws the glass away]] / Mr. Bear: WHOO! I am DEFINITELY not afraid of the fucking POLICE right now!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10222001
Achewood - October 22, 2001 [[Téodor stands next to a bottle, Cornelius tastes from a glass]] / Téodor: Alright, this one's called "Vodka." What do you think of it? / Cornelius: It's nice, but it's kind of strong. / <> / [[Two bottles, Cornelius tastes again]] / Téodor: This one says "Bourbon" on it. Is it different? / Cornelius: Yeah! It's different, but I can't say how. / <> / [[Three bottles]] / Téodor: Okay, that was "Tequila." How does it compare? / [[Mr. Bear throws the glass away]] / Cornelius: WHOO! I am DEFINITELY not afraid of the fucking POLICE right now!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10222001
Achewood - October 22, 2002 [KNOCK KNOCK] / Roast Beef: Aw cool man this must be my new T-shirt that I ordered / Roast Beef: awesome / [T-shirt: IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO HAVE A GOOD DAY] / Roast beef: JESUS...why do I always buy these things... / Roast Beef: I ain't never gonna wear none of these / [T-shirt: WHAT SUCKS IS LIFE] / [T-shirt: WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE] / [T-shirt: GOD DAMMIT WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT MY PROBLEMS]
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10222002
 
Achewood - October 22, 2003 [[Teodor sits at the computer. Nice Pete speaks from outside the panel.]] / Nice Pete: Teodor / [[Nice Pete appears in the panel.]] / Nice Pete: Teodor / Teodor: Oh! Uh ... hi Nice Pete! / Nice Pete: Listen / Nice Pete: I need to admit something to you / [[The next line is inside a thought bubble.]] / Teodor: Oh my god! He killed Pat! / [[A frontal shot of Nice Pete.]] / Nice Pete: I know this is going to sound kind of ... weird / [[A close-up of Teodor, who looks nervous. A bead of sweat runs down his face.]] / [[Though-bubble again.]] / Teodor: They always murder the guy they confess to! Oh no! Why couldn't I have been outside just now?! / [[Back to Teodor at computer, Nice Pete addressing him.]] / Nice Pete: But I need some help making Icons for a Microsoft Power Point presentation / Nice Pete: Pat said you were good with graphics / Teodor: Oh! Uh ... sure! I'd be glad to! / [[We see a list describing the graphics Nice Pete needs. Nice Pete voices over.]] / Nice Pete: Man that is a big relief / Nice Pete: Here is a list of some starters I will email you with the rest OK / List: Nice Pete 03:24pm 10/22/03 1/1 / List: 1. Just a regular murder (gun, bat, whatever) / List: 2. Kind of a better murder (pre-meditated, misleading clues) / List: 3. A real great, "A-1" type of murder, top shelf all the way (broadcast live on Knicks jumbotron, they are helpless to turn it off, etc) / List: all graphics must be 32 pixels by 32 pixlels / {{Pop-up text: coming to you live from a van parked outside Madison Square Garden}}
http://achewood.com/?date=10222003
Achewood - October 22, 2003 [[Teodor, at computer]] / Nice Pete [Off Screen]: Teodor / Nice Pete: Teodor / Teodor: Oh! Uh...hi nice Pete! / Nice Pete: Listen I need to admit something to you / Teodor [Thinking]: Oh my god! He killed pat! / Nice Pete: I know this is going to sound kind of...weird / [[Zoom in on Teodors face, sweating]] / Teodor [Thinking]: They always murder the guy they confess to! Oh no! Why couldn't I have been outside just now?! / Nice Pete: But I need some help making icons for a Microsoft Power Point presentation Pat said you were good with graphics / Teodor: Oh! Uh...Sure! I'd be glad to! / [[Zoom in on Nice Petes list of icons]] / Nice Pete [Off Screen]: Man that is a big relief Here is a list of some of the starters I will email you with the rest OK / List [Titled Nice Pete 03:24pm 10/22/03]: / 1. Just a regular murder (gun, bat, whatever) / 2. Kind of a better murder (pre-meditated, misleading clues) / 3. A real great, "A-1" type of murder, top shelf all the way (broadcast live on the Knicks jumbotron, they are helpless to turn it off, etc) / [italicised] all graphics must be 32 pixels by 32 pixels
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10222003
Achewood - October 22, 2003 [[Teodor, at computer]] / Nice Pete [Off Screen]: Teodor / Nice Pete: Teodor / Teodor: Oh! Uh...hi nice Pete! / Nice Pete: Listen I need to admit something to you / Teodor [Thinking]: Oh my god! He killed pat! / Nice Pete: I know this is going to sound kind of...weird / [[Zoom in on Teodors face, sweating]] / Teodor [Thinking]: They always murder the guy they confess to! Oh no! Why couldn't I have been outside just now?! / Nice Pete: But I need some help making icons for a Microsoft Power Point presentation Pat said you were good with graphics / Teodor: Oh! Uh...Sure! I'd be glad to! / [[Zoom in on Nice Petes list of icons]] / Nice Pete [Off Screen]: Man that is a big relief Here is a list of some of the starters I will email you with the rest OK / List [Titled Nice Pete 03:24pm 10/22/03]: / 1. Just a regular murder (gun, bat, whatever) / 2. Kind of a better murder (pre-meditated, misleading clues) / 3. A real great, "A-1" type of murder, top shelf all the way (broadcast live on the Knicks jumbotron, they are helpless to turn it off, etc) / [italicised] all graphics must be 32 pixels by 32 pixels / alt text: coming to you live from a van parked outside Madison Square Garden
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10222003
Achewood - October 22, 2004 [[[[Ray holding a bag, standing outside of the men's room]] / Ray: Hey Beef! I got all the magazines I wanted! You ready to take off and get some Hunan Palace? / [[Ray knocking on the door]] / Ray: You want to go to Hunan Palace and get Dong Ting Triple Delight? Yeah, man, I said it! Two knuckleheads, three delights! / <> / Roast Beef (behind door): Man get away don't listen man / Roast Beef (behind door): earrAP earrrrrAP-AP-AP Ptoo-ah / Ray (thinking) That's his nervous puke! I'd know it anywhere! / Roast Beef (behind door): HLLLLURGH! Ptoo-ah / Ray (thinking): Huh, looks like he dropped the new Playboy on his way in... yo, all! It's opened to the Playboy Advisor! / [[Playboy]] / Ray (thinking): Damn, they finally printed my clarification! / I mainly listen to the AJ-1250X needle over Rystoklav-9 tube headphones in a Le Corbusier chaise mounted on a TrueCourtTM gyroscopic self-correcting SonicFloor dampening system. If I go with a softer flooring (such as the older 2003 SonicFloor specification) I find the high range response subtly lacking warmth. So, to answer South Hampton's question, I would definitely go with the 2004 specification when trying to get the most out of your AJ-1250 needle. / {{I listen to music with a T-square}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10222004
Achewood - A Curious Therapy - October 23, 2001 [[Mr. Bear and Téodor stand outside the bathroom door. Philippe can be glimpsed within]] / Mr. Bear: Philippe's been sticking his arm into the toilet for ten minutes. / Téodor: That's his therapy for something that happened to him as a pup. / Mr. Bear: Oh. / <> / <> / Mr.Bear: How so? / <>
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10232001
Achewood - October 23, 2001 [[Cornelius and Téodor stand outside the bathroom door. Philippe can be glimpsed within]] / Cornelius: Philippe's been sticking his arm into the toilet for ten minutes. / Téodor: That's his therapy for something that happened to him as a pup. / Cornelius: Oh. / <> / <> / Cornelius: How so? / <>
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10232001
Achewood - October 23, 2002 [[Philippe and Lie Bot.]] / Philippe: Lie Bot, how does Chinese Water Torture work? / Lie Bot: CWT? That's when you dip a person's hand in warm water while they're asleep, and they wet their pants! / Philippe: Oh my gosh! / [[Philippe and Lie Bot look upon Lyle, who is passed out on the floor next to a bottle of whiskey.]] / Lie Bot: Here, let's try it on Lyle! / [[Philippe shows dismay.]] / Lie Bot: Well would you look at that! Someone's beat us to it!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10232002
Achewood - October 23, 2002 [[Philippe and Lie Bot.]] / Philippe: Lie Bot, how does Chinese Water Torture work? / Lie Bot: CWT? That's when you dip a person's hand in warm water while they're asleep, and they wet their pants! / Philippe: Oh my gosh! / [[Philippe and Lie Bot look upon Lyle, who is passed out on the floor next to a bottle of whiskey.]] / Lie Bot: Here, let's try it on Lyle! / [[Philippe shows dismay.]] / Lie Bot: Well would you look at that! Someone's beat us to it! / {{ That Lyle is CRAFTY }}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10232002
Achewood - October 23, 2003 [[Nice Pete and Teodor around Teodor's computer]] / Narrator: SOON / Nice Pete: ...and remember the time when a lady found a chicken head in McNuggets / Teodor: Really? You put it there? / Nice Pete: I planned that out for ages / Nice Pete: Worked at McDonald's for six months to get that one right / Teodor: What else have you been in on? / Nice Pete [[front view, hands on his knee]]: Hmmm... / Nice Pete: Did you hear the one about the guy at Applebee's who found a whole human foot in his salad, with a Champion short sock on / Nice Pete: That was a fun one / {{alt-text: Inside the Murderer's Studio}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10232003
 

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