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The Terrible Cycle [[Phillippe is kneeling by the flower]] / Phillippe: ...flower, do you take me, Phillippe, to be your lawfully wedded--- / Mr. Bear: Phillippe! You seem to have taken an interest in my petunia! / Mr. Bear: She also has the most charming nickname--- the "Touch-Me-Not!" / Mr. Bear: Isn't that irresistible? / Phillipe: [thinking] He knows! / Phillippe: [thinking, all the words are jumbled together and in different fonts] PETUNIA; the "TouchmeNot"; IRRESISTIBLE; "Pregnant with your child"; DIABETES / Mr. Bear: At any rate, don't get too attached! / Phillippe: W-Why not? / Mr. Bear: Why petunias are annuals, Phillippe! They die every winter!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10112002
Achewood - October 11, 2004 [[Ray on the phone]] / Ray: Hey Teodor! You get that homemade salsa I FedEx'd you? / [[Teodor on the phone, looking at a FedEx package]] / Teodor: Yeah, it just showed up. I can't believe you used FedEx. I could have just walked over and tasted it and saved you the fifty bucks. / Ray: Aw, ain't no thang! Call me back after you try it, I want to know if I used too much cilantro. / Teodor: Alright, i'll call you later. / [[Teodor holding the box, thinking]] / Teodor: Sheesh, he didn't need to pay for Next Business Morning. I didn't even get up until one. / [[Teodor opening the box, thinking]] / Teodor: What... what the hell'd he pack it in? Is this an original-- / [[Teodor holds a newspaper with the headline "DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN"]] / {{Dunnage: loose materials used to support and protect cargo in a ship's hold; also: padding in a shipping container}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10112004
Achewood - October 11, 2004 [[Ray on the phone]] / Ray: Hey Teodor! You get that homemade salsa I FedEx'd you? / [[Teodor on the phone, looking at a FedEx package]] / Teodor: Yeah, it just showed up. I can't believe you used FedEx. I could have just walked over and tasted it and saved you the fifty bucks. / Ray: Aw, ain't no thang! Call me back after you try it, I want to know if I used too much cilantro. / Teodor: Alright, i'll call you later. / [[Teodor holding the box, thinking]] / Teodor: Sheesh, he didn't need to pay for Next Business Morning. I didn't even get up until one. / [[Teodor opening the box, thinking]] / Teodor: What... what the hell'd he pack it in? Is this an original-- / [[Teodor holds a vintage Chicago Daily Tribune newspaper with the headline "DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN"]] / {{Dunnage: loose materials used to support and protect cargo in a ship's hold; also: padding in a shipping container}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10112004
Achewood - October 11, 2005 Ray: Hey Roast Beef! Who do you think does the best somersault, you or m--- / Ray: Dang, man! A Jehovah's Witness! Let me get the hose. / Ray: THE HOSE!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10112005
Achewood - October 11, 2005 Ray: Hey Roast Beef! Who do you think does the best somersault, you or m--- / Ray: Dang, man! A Jehovah's Witness! Let me get the hose. / Ray: THE HOSE! / {{Once Ray has given you 'The Hose,' you really can't make any headway with him.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10112005
Achewood - October 11, 2005 Ray: Hey Roast Beef! Who do you think does the best somersault, you or m--- / [[ He sees Milklin.]] / Ray: Dang, man! A Jehovah's Witness! Let me get the hose. / [[ Ray stands in front of Milklin]] / [[Ray forcefully shoves Milklin with both hands. ]] / Ray: THE HOSE! / {{Once Ray has given you 'The Hose,' you really can't make any headway with him.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10112005
Achewood - October 11, 2005 [[The reader sees Ray from the waist up]] Ray: Hey Roast Beef! Who do you think does the best somersault, you or m--- / [[Ray puts his hands on his hips and stares disdainfully at Milklin while Roast Beef looks on.]] Ray: Dang, man! A Jehovah's Witness! Let me get the hose. / [[Ray continues to stare silently at Milklin, who seems to regard him with trepidation.]] / [[Ray suddenly shoves Milklin, who falls to ground.]] tRay: THE HOSE! / {{Once Ray has given you 'The Hose,' you really can't make any headway with him.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10112005
Achewood - October 11, 2006 Ray: So, like, what's it you do, here? / Lonis F. Edison: Damn it all! Is my sign out again? I paid dearly for it, but I can't watch it every moment of the day. My business would crumble! You don't know this from the way I seem to just go around answering doors, but I'm a very busy man. / Lonis F. Edison: Hey! HEY! / Sign: ! / Sign (slowly fading in): Lonis F. Edison -- Perceived Goods / Lonis F. Edison: Here. Here's one. It's new. I like it a lot. It's a beer bottle, and the label's a talkie. It plays, live, the worst conversations being had in the English Language. Watch. / Ketchup bottle: Chk! Whrrrrrr. / Téodor: You eat worms, Todd? / Todd: 'Course I eat worms! They're l-l-like little free steaks floatin' in the earth!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10112006
Achewood - October 11, 2006 [[Ray and Lonis are walking down a corridor.]] / Lonis: Everyone in the Edison family was gifted with invention! Thomas had the most marketable sense of it, though. / Lonis: America was ready for him. America hated crapping in the dark. America hated waiting for a haircut just to hear the latest songs. They didn't need cuspidors with low self esteem. I fled to Mexico to continue my work away from public scrutiny. / Ray: See, Lonis, the way you doin' it's all wrong. With a product like yours, it's all about the marketing. / Ray: Right now you just springin' this stuff of people willy-nilly. How you gonna build a brand like that? / Lonis: You're an interesting fellow, Smuckles. You have the round thighs of a laugher, but your mind is calculating. I have an idea for a product that will serve as a gentle reintroduction of my work to the American public. In its current form this product is ubiquitous, in every restaurant and every home. / Lonis: I'm talking about ketchup. But not just a seasoned tomato purée. That aspect doesn't interest me.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10112006
Achewood - October 11, 2007 [[Mr. Bear is Typing]] / Mr. Bear: 'Bill Gates stood at his enormous mahogany standing-desk, a gift from Japanese Prime Minister Fukuda.' <> / Mr. Bear: 'His Mont Blanc fountain pen hovered over the signature line of a check which would end world hunger forever.' <> / Mr. Bear: 'Suddenly, Steve Jobs crashed headlong into the room, clutching an Etch-a-Sketch to his chest. He hadn't charged the battery of his Segway, and it had balked after a laborious trip up the stairs.' <> / Mr. Bear: '"Sorry Bill! Sorry! I'm Sorry!" yelled Jobs, scrambling to his feet. Gates picked up the Etch-a-Sketch. Next to an egg-shaped drawing, crude block letters spelled out "PERFECT CIRCLE".' <> / Mr. Bear: "Mary just set up sandwich trays in the East conference room, Steven" said Gates. "If you promise not to upset the bread, you can make yourself one."' <> / Mr. Bear: 'Jobs ran down the hallway so quickly, The tread pattern of his trailing shoe was perpendicular to the ground with each gleeful stride.' / {{It's kind of like Silver Spoons, where the dad lets the kid whatever because it can't hurt the dad.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10112007
 
Achewood - October 12, 2001 [[Téodor and Lie Bot, alone]] / Téodor: Lie Bot, what is the best cheese for nachos? / Lie Bot: Hey man, that's easy. It's called Pochego, and it's from France. / Lie Bot: If you don't believe me, you can read the liner notes from Rubber Soul.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10122001
Achewood - October 12, 2001 Téodor: Lie Bot, what is the best cheese for nachos? / Lie Bot: Hey man, that's easy. It's called Pochego, and it's from France. / Lie Bot: If you don't believe me, you can read the liner notes from Rubber Soul.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10122001
Achewood - October 12, 2004 [[Roast Beef, Emeril and Spongebath at the bar]] / Emeril: If you would excuse us Roast Beef I believe the Tenmen are warming up and we do not miss a moment / Roast Beef: Oh dang are they playing tonight I didn't even know / [[The Tenmen guitar player]] / [[The Tenmen bass player]] / [[The Tenmen drummer]] / [[All three Tenmen]] / [[Roast Beef alone at the bar]] / Music: Maaaaaking Love In a Limo On an Airplane in A Spaceship Bound for Space / [[Spongebath sitting as Emeril dances]] / [[Spongebath sitting as Emeril dances]] / [[Spongebath sitting as Emeril dances]] / [[Empty bar]] / {{Even that drum is a Rickenbacker}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10122004
Achewood - October 12, 2004 [[Roast Beef, Emeril and Spongebath at the bar, with half-full drinks]] / Emeril: If you would excuse us Roast Beef I believe the Tenmen are warming up and we do not miss a moment / Roast Beef: Oh dang are they playing tonight I didn't even know / [[The Tenmen guitar player]] / [[The Tenmen bass player]] / [[The Tenmen drummer]] / [[All three Tenmen]] / [[Roast Beef alone at the bar with his drink and Spongebath and Emeril's empty glasses]] / Music: Maaaaaking Love In a Limo On an Airplane in A Spaceship Bound for Space / [[Spongebath sitting as Emeril dances]] / [[Spongebath sitting as Emeril dances]] / [[Spongebath sitting as Emeril dances]] / [[Empty bar with three empty glasses]] / {{Even that drum is a Rickenbacker}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10122004
Achewood - October 12, 2005 Ray: Watchu doin' lettin' this Jehovah's Witness bother you, Beef?! I thought you had any sense! / Roast Beef: Oh uh this is Milklin and he is havin' just terrible luck gettin' converts / Ray: Good, good... / Roast Beef: Maybe you could give him some of your business advice Ray / Ray: For FREE?! / Ray: Alright, fine, whatever! Listen, kid, just look into franchising. / Milklin: You can't franchise the Lord! / Ray: You didn't just say that. -- Anyhow, you got to be your own boss. Start up a concern called Private Horizons. Thank me later. / Milklin: What's Private Horizons? / Ray: Jesus, kid! You catch on nice and slow, don't you! / Roast Beef: Come on Ray Friendly up / Ray: It's your exclusive, "by invitation only" form of Jehovah's Witnesseyism! / Milklin: But the Lord accepts everyone! / Ray: Ain't nobody wants somethin' they givin' away for free! -- You never hear the terrible tale of Strawberry, the neighborhood 'ho? / Milklin: N-no...? If you don't get off my property and create and exclusive Jehovah Withnesseyism franchise, so help me I will hunt you down and treat you like the dopeman did Strawberry. / {{Don't worry, all the dopeman did was not marry Strawberry. Ray misremembers his NWA.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10122005
Achewood - October 12, 2005 Ray: Watchu doin' lettin' this Jehovah's Witness bother you, Beef?! I thought you had any sense! / Roast Beef: Oh uh this is Milklin and he is havin' just terrible luck gettin' converts / Ray: Good, good... / Roast Beef: Maybe you could give him some of your business advice Ray / Ray: For FREE?! / Ray: Alright, fine, whatever! Listen, kid, just look into franchising. / Milklin: You can't franchise the Lord! / Ray: You didn't just say that. -- Anyhow, you got to be your own boss. Start up a concern called Private Horizons. Thank me later. / Milklin: What's Private Horizons? / Ray: Jesus, kid! You catch on nice and slow, don't you! / Roast Beef: Come on Ray Friendly up / Ray: It's your exclusive, "by invitation only" form of Jehovah's Witnesseyism! / Milklin: But the Lord accepts everyone! / Ray: Ain't nobody wants somethin' they givin' away for free! -- You never hear the terrible tale of Strawberry, the neighborhood 'ho? / Milklin: / Ray: N-no...? If you don't get off my property and create an exclusive Jehovah Witnesseyism franchise, so help me I will hunt you down and treat you like the dopeman did Strawberry. / {{Don't worry, all the dopeman did was not marry Strawberry. Ray misremembers his NWA.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10122005
Achewood - October 12, 2006 [[Bensington Butters, anxiously looking over his right shoulder, walks down a dimly lit hallway. There is an entrance to another room on Bensington's left. On the wall to the right of the entry is written "Prototyping 73." Through the entrance, we can see a darkened room with table, harshly lit by a lamp hanging directly above it.]] / Bensington Butters; Daaamn...where those players get at?! / [[We focus on the table in the darkened room. It has a glass case on it, with what appears to be a bottle of ketchup and three small orbs set down in a row from left to right. On top of the glass case, and also made out of glass, is what appears to be a large baby-bottle nipple.]] / [[We see a mid-range zoom onto the bottle and its label, which says "Hunt's Tomato Ketchup."]] / [[ Bensington stares straight ahead, in surprise, shock, or confusion.]] / [[A close-up of the bottle of ketchup.]] / [[Bensington, left eyebrow raised, left hand on chin, looks back over his right shoulder, making certain no-one is observing him.]] / [[Bensington, gripping the ketchup bottle with his left hand only, flips the lid of the bottle cap open]] / Bensington Butters; Awww yeah, suckaz. We doin' this.<> / [[Bensington drinks from the bottle of ketchup.]] / <> / [[With a satisfied smirk on his face, Bensington lowers the bottle from his mouth.]] / Bensington Butters; Aaaaahhh...a snap of the cap for the cat with the...[[trails off.]] / [[Bensington, although standing still with a surprised look on his face, appears to be vibrating.]] / [[With a look of terror on his face, Bensington appears to be shaking violently. He seems to have become some kind of spectral being, or have had a glowing light put on him.]] / {{He has that Zippo-flick move, where he can pop the bottle open with one hand.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10122006
Achewood - October 12, 2006 [[Bensington Butters, anxiously looking over his right shoulder, walks down a dimly lit hallway. There is an entrance to another room on Bensington's left. On the wall to the right of the entry is written "Prototyping 73." Through the entrance, we can see a darkened room with table, harshly lit by a lamp hanging directly above it.]] / Bensington Butters; Daaamn...where those players get at?! / [[We focus on the table in the darkened room. It has a glass case on it, with what appears to be a bottle of ketchup and three small orbs set down in a row from left to right. On top of the glass case, and also made out of glass, is what appears to be a large baby-bottle nipple, or perhaps the lid of a glass candy jar.]] / [[We see a mid-range zoom onto the bottle and its label, which says "Hunt's Tomato Ketchup."]] / [[ Bensington stares straight ahead, in surprise, shock, or confusion.]] / [[A close-up of the bottle of ketchup.]] / [[Bensington, left eyebrow raised, left hand on chin, looks back over his right shoulder, making certain no-one is observing him.]] / [[Bensington, gripping the ketchup bottle with his left hand only, flips the lid of the bottle cap open]] / Bensington Butters; Awww yeah, suckaz. We doin' this.<> / [[Bensington drinks from the bottle of ketchup.]] / <> / [[With a satisfied smirk on his face, Bensington lowers the bottle from his mouth.]] / Bensington Butters; Aaaaahhh...a snap of the cap for the cat with the...[[trails off.]] / [[Bensington, although standing still with a surprised look on his face, appears to be vibrating.]] / [[With a look of terror on his face, Bensington appears to be shaking violently. He seems to have become some kind of spectral being, or have had a glowing light put on him.]] / {{He has that Zippo-flick move, where he can pop the bottle open with one hand.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10122006
Friday Acts [[Another edition of The Philippe Times. Titled It's Acting Mania Day! Vol 9 No. 17]] / Friday Facts! / by Philippe, editor-in-chief! [[Pictured is Philippe with a baseball cap and sunglasses captioned 'If I was a famous director']] / DID YOU KNOW... / The best actor of all time? Mickey Mouse. Eighty years of great acting, and NO drugs. / What's Mickey's car of choice? You guessed it - just a basic one. 1993 Toyota Corolla. / Unlike Mickey, Goofy is still considered a bad actor and not someone kids can like. He is currently a mailman. / A LOOK INSIDE MICKEY'S APARTMENT! / Lots of actors go for mansions, but Mickey has a different perspective! "I rent," he says, "because that way the landlord gets some money, and I don't have to trim the hedges!" Sounds good to us! / [[Picture of a Toyota Corolla captioned Mickey Mouse has a good, plain car.]] / Kevin Spacey is probably a good guy, but it makes me nervous that he might have secrets. / The abalone is prized for its flesh. / Mr. Bear is in the kitchen making his own mayonnaise! He messed up a couple times, and he said Shakespear to himself! "Gaze not 'pon that fractured condiment, Dilutio, and fetch it to yon drain..." / Editor's comment: Philippe is just a kid and he has got no idea about what his talking means. He don't know that Mickey Mouse is just a drawing. -RBK / [[pictured across the bottom is a series of pictures of Ray titled Ray agreed to demonstrate the power of acting by pretending to be on fire! He basically flips the finger on both hands after coming to the realization that he is on fire, and at the end he holds up a sign that says "TRAVIS MERKIN AND THE FLAMES on sale now."]] / {{Alt-Text: Mickey Mouse should ALWAYS be a main good guy of kids}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10122007
 
Achewood - October 13, 2003 Ray: Yo check it out, Beef! Let's see who can jump over that log the best! / I'll go first! / Ray: YYYYEAH! / Ray: MUCH style! <> / Ray: I got MAD respect for you Roast Beef, but you are NOT gonna jump better than that! HOO-AH! / Beef: I think I'm developing a thing for corpulent women / Ray: How do you know? / Ray: Hey BEEF! Wake up! How do you know when salmon's done all the way through?
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10132003
Achewood - October 13, 2003 Ray: Yo check it out, Beef! Let's see who can jump over that log the best! / I'll go first! / Ray: YYYYEAH! / Ray: MUCH style! <> / Ray: I got MAD respect for you Roast Beef, but you are NOT gonna jump better than that! HOO-AH! / Beef: I think I'm developing a thing for corpulent women / Ray: How do you know? / Ray: Hey BEEF! Wake up! How do you know when salmon's done all the way through? / {{alt text: when the white fat rises to the surface I think}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10132003
Achewood - October 13, 2004 [[Teodor sitting a a table; Ray holding a police scanner]] / Teodor: What's that, a walkie-talkie? / Ray: It's a police scanner, dude! This crap is hilarious! / Teodor: We've got one of those-- what are you tuned in to? / Ray: The Taco Bell frequency! You know, the one they use for their drive-through headsets? / <> / Roast Beef (from police scanner): Uh yeah I would like just such as a simple taco / Teodor: Hey, that's Roast Beef! / Taco Bell employee (from police scanner): Anything to drink, sir? / Roast Beef (from police scanner): Do you charge money for a cup of water / Molly (from police scanner): Beef! Just get us a Diet Pepsi! / Roast Beef (from police scanner): Alright alright how much is your smallest cup of Diet Pepsi / Taco Bell employee (from police scanner): $1.49, sir. / Roast Beef (from police scanner): I can't pay that kind of money for a small Diet Pepsi that is asinine We can get a 2-liter bottle at the store for like 99c / Molly (from the police scanner): You are SO cheap! Hey! My boyfriend's so cheap, he snuck a ziploc bag of moussaka into the movie theater! / Taco Bell employee (from the police scanner): He did, ma'm? / Roast Beef (from the police scanner): Man don't yell at the worker Molly he'll take a dump in the taco / Taco Bell employee (from the police scanner): I resent that, sir. I... I think you'd better just pull through. I won't be filling your order today. / Molly (from the police scanner): See what you did, Beef?! DAMN you! / {{I would like one side order of jalapenos and I will park and come inside to get them}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10132004
Achewood - October 13, 2004 [[Teodor sitting a a table; Ray holding a police scanner]] / Teodor: What's that, a walkie-talkie? / Ray: It's a police scanner, dude! This crap is hilarious! / Teodor: We've got one of those-- what are you tuned in to? / Ray: The Taco Bell frequency! You know, the one they use for their drive-through headsets? / <> / Roast Beef (from police scanner): Uh yeah I would like just such as a simple taco / Teodor: Hey, that's Roast Beef! / [[ The scanner's display reads "35.9600" ]] / Taco Bell employee (from police scanner): Anything to drink, sir? / Roast Beef (from police scanner): Do you charge money for a cup of water / Molly (from police scanner): Beef! Just get us a Diet Pepsi! / Roast Beef (from police scanner): Alright alright how much is your smallest cup of Diet Pepsi / Taco Bell employee (from police scanner): $1.49, sir. / Roast Beef (from police scanner): I can't pay that kind of money for a small Diet Pepsi that is asinine We can get a 2-liter bottle at the store for like 99c / Molly (from the police scanner): You are SO cheap! Hey! My boyfriend's so cheap, he snuck a ziploc bag of moussaka into the movie theater! / Taco Bell employee (from the police scanner): He did, ma'm? / Roast Beef (from the police scanner): Man don't yell at the worker Molly he'll take a dump in the taco / Taco Bell employee (from the police scanner): I resent that, sir. I... I think you'd better just pull through. I won't be filling your order today. / Molly (from the police scanner): See what you did, Beef?! DAMN you! / {{I would like one side order of jalapenos and I will park and come inside to get them}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10132004
Milklin's ad in Reminisce Magazine [[Caption: A MONTH LATER. / Ray is sitting on a couch. Roast Beef appears in the doorway with a magazine in his hand.]] / Roast Beef: Dang man check it Milklin took your advice / Ray: Who? What? / [[Ray is shown to be wearing a robe and reading a newspaper.]] / Roast Beef: Check his ad in this magazine / Ray: What? How? Why? What? / [[Roast Beef holds the magazine up to show Ray. The cover reads: / Reminisce / The Magazine That Brings Back the Good Old Times / Ray: Who the hell is Milklin? / What ad? / Roast Beef: Keep looking / [[Magazine shot, reading: / SO, How Many Brothers Did You Lose in the War? / "Seven." Hart Lewis, Chandler, AZ / "Four." Sam Grautmann, Orlando, FL / "Only two." Karl Webber, Orton, PA / We want to hear from you! Contact Earl Betts, PO Box 219, Brace, TN 70761 / "Remember when lemonade was a cent? It is now a dollar."]] / [[Magazine shot, reading: / THE LAST LAUGH. / A list of friends who have passed on to their reward. / Art Friolo. --Submitted by Tom Amberlake, Sparks, NV / Dave "Stu" Cray. --Submitted by Mel Klein, Miami, FL / Susan Myers. --Submitted by Doris Halpering, Spokane, WA]] / [[Magazine shot, reading: / Time Capsule! / 1924 / WHAT WERE WE DYING OF... / 1. Summer Complaint / 2. Marasmus / 3. Dolphin Lung / 4. Common cold / 1 cent! / ALL THE RAGE... / Flappers, the Charleston, Death of Vladimir Lenin / POPULAR TUNES OF 1924 / I Must Love You, 'Cause I Sure Don't Like You, Marie / Drop-Sailor Holler / Chicken In The Basement (Do-Fi-Dum) / -1924- / MOST POPULAR BABY NAMES OF 1924! / Boys: Aloysius / Girls: (data not recorded)]] / Ray: What? Huh? I don't get it. / [[Magazine shot, reading: / Have You Forgiven Orson Welles? / Yes [short black block] / No [long white block] / Key: [black square] Yes. [white square] No. / Paid Advertisement / Enrollment is closed for this season, but please check back often for your chance to Witness with the most exclusive elder in the United States, Milklin Honnikder.]] / {alt-text: 5. Adler's Croup}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10132005
Achewood - October 13, 2006 [[ title panel: IT'S A... JUDAS PRIEST FRIDAY ...THE 13TH]] / [[Roast beef is looking down at his feet]] / Roast beef: Oh man oh hilarious all havin' on some KangaRoos after all this time all zip-up pocket on the sides for coins or notes from a chick / [[An image of Roast Beefs KangaRoo clad feet]] / Roast beef: Can't believe someone gave these to the thrift store they are basically new / Oh dang I ain't think to check the little pocket yet ! / [[Roast beef bends down to unzip the little pocket]] / Roast beef: Hee hee what if it was all like a piece of treasure / I'm all in the news with some treasure / <> / [[An image of the kangaRoo with its little pocket unzippered]] / Little kangaroo pocket: Aberrant and victimized, yet wholly failing any expectation of Sturn and Drang, the entire undertaking settles to the floor of time like so much diatomaceous offal. / [[Roast beef is looking down at his kangaRoos in shock]] / Roast beef: Oh crap a review of my life by Anthony Lane NO I AIN'T READY FOR THIS NO NO NOOOOOOOOOO! / [[Title panel: BE CAREFUL...ON JUDAS PRIEST FRIDAY ...THE 13TH]] / {{The cat's life is denigrated by Anthony Lane.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10132006
Achewood - October 13, 2006 [[ title panel: IT'S A... JUDAS PRIEST FRIDAY ...THE 13TH]] / [[Roast beef is looking down at his feet]] / Roast beef: Oh man oh hilarious all havin' on some KangaRoos after all this time all zip-up pocket on the sides for coins or notes from a chick / [[An image of Roast Beefs KangaRoo clad feet]] / Roast beef: Can't believe someone gave these to the thrift store they are basically new / Oh dang I ain't think to check the little pocket yet ! / [[Roast beef bends down to unzip the little pocket]] / Roast beef: Hee hee what if it was all like a piece of treasure / I'm all in the news with some treasure / <> / [[An image of the kangaRoo with its little pocket unzippered]] / Little kangaroo pocket: Aberrant and victimized, yet wholly failing any expectation of Sturn und Drang, the entire undertaking settles to the floor of time like so much diatomaceous offal. / [[Roast beef is looking down at his kangaRoos in shock]] / Roast beef: Oh crap a review of my life by Anthony Lane NO I AIN'T READY FOR THIS NO NO NOOOOOOOOOO! / [[Title panel: BE CAREFUL...ON JUDAS PRIEST FRIDAY ...THE 13TH]] / {{The cat's life is denigrated by Anthony Lane.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10132006
Cost cutting [[Ray is in his "manager" clothes, sitting at the table with a piece of paper. Téodor is sitting at the other side of the table]] / Ray: Well, Téodor, as I'm sure you remember the Todd account has fallen through. / Téodor: [annoyed]Oh, really, Ray. / Ray: As such, we are taking some cost-cutting measures. I've crossed the following items off of our budget: / Ray: [reading] Ahem! One: cancel all magazine subscriptions, including AdWeek, Ad Review and Maxim. / Téodor: Hold on! You get Maxim on the company tab? / [[Téodor snatches the paper out of ray's hands]] / Téodor: What other perks have you been enjoying? Let me see that budget! / Ray: Téodor, I really don't--- / [[Téodor reads, Ray looks away, vexed.]] / Téodor: "Rolex Magazine"? "Business Jet Weekly"? "The Full-Fledged Male"? / Téodor: Whoah! What's this?! / [[Closeup of the budget]] / AD AGENCY BUDGET CON'T / 125 NUDITY / a. NUDITY - PRINT / b. NUDITY - VIDEO / c. NUDITY - AUDIO / d. NUDITY - INTERRACIAL / 126. POSTAGE / a. USPS / (lower half cut off) / {{title text: Ray shirt in humbler colors PLUS weekly color strip NO JOKE}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10142002
 
Achewood - October 14, 2003 RAY: Little Nephew! What in the HELL are you wearin'?! / LITTLE NEPHEW: Jeez! Shut UP Uncle Ray! / [[little nephew is wearing a backwards ball cap, a sports jersey sporting the letters LN tucked into Tommy Hilfiger-like underwear and, presumably, little pant legs attached to each leg via their own tiny belts]] / RAY: What's...where's...how do I even begin to describe your pants/underwear situation?! / LITTLE NEPHEW: I don't know! How about by shutting up! / RAY: You couldn't wear your pants any lower, so you made tiny pants for each leg! SAY IT! / LITTLE NEPHEW: Jeez! It's the style! Shut UP! / RAY: How come you kids are so GOD DAMNED stupid and just do the stupidest ting possible every SINGLE SECOND OF THE GOD DAMNED DAY! / LITTLE NEPHEW: I'm LEAVIN'! I ain't NEVER comin' back! / [[Ray is typing at his computer, with a crown on his head]] / Dear Diary, Today I yelled at Little Nephew again. I guess I really lost my coll this time, 'cause a little while later this social services worker showed up to question me. I could see her thong underwear above her low-rise jeans, and pretty soon we were gettin' mad rutty. / {{tags: Little Nephew, Ray, mad rutty, social worker, social services, yelling at Little Nephew, crown}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10142003
Little Nephew's Hip-Hop Pants RAY: Little Nephew! What in the HELL are you wearin'?! / LITTLE NEPHEW: Jeez! Shut UP Uncle Ray! / [[little nephew is wearing a backwards ball cap, a sports jersey sporting the letters LN tucked into Tommy Hilfiger-like underwear and, presumably, little pant legs attached to each leg via their own tiny belts]] / RAY: What's...where's...how do I even begin to describe your pants/underwear situation?! / LITTLE NEPHEW: I don't know! How about by shutting up! / RAY: You couldn't wear your pants any lower, so you made tiny pants for each leg! SAY IT! / LITTLE NEPHEW: Jeez! It's the style! Shut UP! / RAY: How come you kids are so GOD DAMNED stupid and just do the stupidest ting possible every SINGLE SECOND OF THE GOD DAMNED DAY! / LITTLE NEPHEW: I'm LEAVIN'! I ain't NEVER comin' back! / [[Ray is typing at his computer, with a crown on his head]] / Dear Diary, Today I yelled at Little Nephew again. I guess I really lost my coll this time, 'cause a little while later this social services worker showed up to question me. I could see her thong underwear above her low-rise jeans, and pretty soon we were gettin' mad rutty. / {{tags: Little Nephew, Ray, mad rutty, social worker, social services, yelling at Little Nephew, crown}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10142003
Achewood - October 14, 2003: Little Nephew's Hip-Hop Pants RAY: Little Nephew! What in the HELL are you wearin'?! / LITTLE NEPHEW: Jeez! Shut UP Uncle Ray! / [[little nephew is wearing a backwards ball cap, a sports jersey sporting the letters LN tucked into Tommy Hilfiger-like underwear and, presumably, little pant legs attached to each leg via their own tiny belts]] / RAY: What's...where's...how do I even begin to describe your pants/underwear situation?! / LITTLE NEPHEW: I don't know! How about by shutting up! / RAY: You couldn't wear your pants any lower, so you made tiny pants for each leg! SAY IT! / LITTLE NEPHEW: Jeez! It's the style! Shut UP! / RAY: How come you kids are so GOD DAMNED stupid and just do the stupidest ting possible every SINGLE SECOND OF THE GOD DAMNED DAY! / LITTLE NEPHEW: I'm LEAVIN'! I ain't NEVER comin' back! / [[Ray is typing at his computer, with a crown on his head]] / Dear Diary, Today I yelled at Little Nephew again. I guess I really lost my coll this time, 'cause a little while later this social services worker showed up to question me. I could see her thong underwear above her low-rise jeans, and pretty soon we were gettin' mad rutty. / {{tags: Little Nephew, Ray, mad rutty, social worker, social services, yelling at Little Nephew, crown}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10142003
Achewood - October 14, 2003 RAY: Little Nephew! What in the HELL are you wearin'?! / LITTLE NEPHEW: Jeez! Shut UP Uncle Ray! / [[little nephew is wearing a backwards ball cap, a sports jersey sporting the letters LN tucked into Tommy Hilfiger-like underwear and, presumably, little pant legs attached to each leg via their own tiny belts]] / RAY: What's...where's...how do I even begin to describe your pants/underwear situation?! / LITTLE NEPHEW: I don't know! How about by shutting up! / RAY: You couldn't wear your pants any lower, so you made tiny pants for each leg! SAY IT! / LITTLE NEPHEW: Jeez! It's the style! Shut UP! / RAY: How come you kids are so GOD DAMNED stupid and just do the stupidest thing possible every SINGLE SECOND OF THE GOD DAMNED DAY! / LITTLE NEPHEW: I'm LEAVIN'! I ain't NEVER comin' back! / [[Ray is typing at his computer, with a crown on his head]] / Dear Diary, Today I yelled at Little Nephew again. I guess I really lost my coll this time, 'cause a little while later this social services worker showed up to question me. I could see her thong underwear above her low-rise jeans, and pretty soon we were gettin' mad rutty. / {{tags: Little Nephew, Ray, mad rutty, social worker, social services, yelling at Little Nephew, crown}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10142003
Achewood - October 14, 2003 RAY: Little Nephew! What in the HELL are you wearin'?! / LITTLE NEPHEW: Jeez! Shut UP Uncle Ray! / [[little nephew is wearing a backwards ball cap, a sports jersey sporting the letters LN tucked into Tommy Hilfiger-like underwear and, presumably, little pant legs attached to each leg via their own tiny belts]] / RAY: What's...where's...how do I even begin to describe your pants/underwear situation?! / LITTLE NEPHEW: I don't know! How about by shutting up! / RAY: You couldn't wear your pants any lower, so you made tiny pants for each leg! SAY IT! / LITTLE NEPHEW: Jeez! It's the style! Shut UP! / RAY: How come you kids are so GOD DAMNED stupid and just do the stupidest ting possible every SINGLE SECOND OF THE GOD DAMNED DAY! / LITTLE NEPHEW: I'm LEAVIN'! I ain't NEVER comin' back! / [[Ray is typing at his computer, with a crown on his head]] / Dear Diary, Today I yelled at Little Nephew again. I guess I really lost my coll this time, 'cause a little while later this social services worker showed up to question me. I could see her thong underwear above her low-rise jeans, and pretty soon we were gettin' mad rutty. / {{tags: Little Nephew, underwear, Ray, mad rutty, social worker, social services, yelling at Little Nephew, crown}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10142003
Achewood - October 14, 2004 [[Lyle on the couch]] / Teodor: What's on, Lyle? / Lyle: Oh, just doin' my homework on the gonzo biz. Got a couple UK titles to check out. / [[A man in a witch's hat on the television]] / MAGICAL SEX BLOKES Vol. 8 / Man in Witch's Hat: Oi! / Teodor: What do you want to do for dinner? / TV: Mmm yeah luv / Lyle: I'm makin' enchiladas. You want any? / TV: That's the good stuff luv / Teodor: Sure. You want me to get some beans and rice going? / Lyle: Sure. / TV: Oi yeah don't stop luv Bless you / {{Starring Shrewdby St. Thames}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10142004
Achewood - October 14, 2004 [[Lyle on the couch]] / Teodor: What's on, Lyle? / Lyle: Oh, just doin' my homework on the gonzo biz. Got a couple UK titles to check out. / [[A man with a porn mustache in a witch's hat on the television]] / MAGICAL SEX BLOKES Vol. 8 / Man in Witch's Hat: Oi! / Teodor: What do you want to do for dinner? / TV: Mmm yeah luv / Lyle: I'm makin' enchiladas. You want any? / TV: That's the good stuff luv / Teodor: Sure. You want me to get some beans and rice going? / Lyle: Sure. / TV: Oi yeah don't stop luv / TV: Bless you / {{Starring Shrewdby St. Thames}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10142004
Achewood - October 14, 2005 [[Dr. Andretti is operating on Ray]] / Ray: Thanks for this, Doc. I just wasn't sure I'd ever have the chance, you know? / Dr. Andretti: Of course. And thank YOU for the considerable donation. We'll be able to help a lot of children at that new clinic, Ray. / Ray: Children are pretty good, you know. / Dr. Andretti: Okay, Ray, I've got the heart free of the chest cavity. Would you like to hold it now? / Ray: Whew! Ok, yeah. Here we go! / [[Ray procedes to lift his own beating heart from his body, with the help of Dr. Andretti]] / <> / Ray: Daaamn! Man, this is special! / Dr. Andretti: You said you'd like a picture? / Ray: Oh! Yeah! Thanks for remindin' me. / <> / Ray: I brough a little hat for it. It's in my overnight bag there on the - / <> / Dr. Andretti: It won't be sterile. I'm afraid I can't allow the hat, Ray. / Ray: But I - yeah, I guess you're right. This is still gonna make a killer Christmas card, though! / <> / {{Alt text: Here's another weird thing -- doctors won't let you kiss your own heart!}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10142005
Achewood § October 14, 2009 FIRST ROW, First Panel: [[Todd is standing over Téodor's shoulder. Téodor types at the computer.]] / Todd: S-S-So! How many chicks wrote back? I wanna frikkin' roll inna hay tonight, I'll tell you that much! / Second Panel: [[Téodor spins to face Todd.]] / Téodor: That's the fifth time you've asked in five minutes! Go piss up a rope, Todd! / Third Panel: [[Slight zoom-in. Todd, shaking, raises his finger at Téodor.]] / Todd: Maybe I frikkin' will, ya jerk! MAYBE I'LL BE THA FIRST GUY WHO FINALLY DOES THAT! / SECOND ROW, First Panel: [[Todd is urinating up and at a rope. Seven drips fall toward the ground. / Todd: Ha ha! Hope nobody liked THIS rope! 'CAUSE THIS AIN'T ONE 'A THE BETTER ROPES NO MORE! / Caption: EXTREMELY SOON, IN THE GARAGE... Urine sound effects: <> and <>. / Second Panel: [[Slight zoom-in on rope. A tag reads "Cuerda Hecha En México.]] / Third Panel: [[A few drops of Todd urine are sliding off the end of the rope.]] / THIRD ROW, First Panel: <<"Spash">> Two drops of squirrel urine fall on a small, mysterious box. / Second Panel: [[Close-up on the small box. It reads ""BARN-IN-PACKAGE" SIMPALLY HANG OVER THE SMALL TABLE JOY MADE IN THE DEMOCRATIC PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF KOREA" and shows a small picture of a barn-like box over a table. Eleven Korean symbols are at the bottom. / Third Panel: [[The urine-soaked end of the rope and the "Barn-In-Package" begin to glow. Todd stares at them, dumbfounded.]] / Todd: W-W-Whoah! What 'n' the FRIK? / FINAL ROW, First Panel: [[A beam of energy launches from the package. Todd puts his hands up defensively.]] / <> / Second Panel: [[The beam hits Todd, forming a triangle of rope, package and squirrel. He screams as the sounds becoming louder.]] / Todd: AAAAAGH! / <> / Final Panel: Only a small puddle of urine remains. CAPTION: ...AND SO TODD, HAVING UNIFIED THESE CHARMED OBJECTS, IS USHERED INTO A NEW ADVENTURE... AN ADVENTURE IN... NORTH KOREAN MAGICAL REALISM!" / {{secret text: You are Todd. You have Barn-In-Package. There are no exits.}} / {{Title: "The First Guy to Do That"}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10142009
Achewood - Philippe's mouth - October 15, 2001 [[Téodor and Mr. Bear at left of frame, Philippe at right]] / Téodor: Watch how Philippe opens his mouth. It's kind of gross. / Mr. Bear: Okey doke. / Téodor: Hey Philippe, open your mouth. / Philippe: Okay Téodor / [[Philippe opens his mouth, differently than he does in any other strip. It's kind of gross.]]
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10152001
Achewood - Philippe's mouth - October 15, 2001 [[Téodor and Cornelius at left of frame, Philippe at right]] / Téodor: Watch how Philippe opens his mouth. It's kind of gross. / Cornelius: Okey doke. / Téodor: Hey Philippe, open your mouth. / Philippe: Okay Téodor / [[Philippe opens his mouth, differently than he does in any other strip. It's kind of gross.]]
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10152001
Achewood - October 15, 2001 [[Téodor and Cornelius at left of frame, Philippe at right]] / Téodor: Watch how Philippe opens his mouth. It's kind of gross. / Cornelius: Okey doke. / Téodor: Hey Philippe, open your mouth. / Philippe: Okay Téodor / [[Philippe opens his mouth. Téodor and Cornelius recoil in horror]]
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10152001
 
Achewood - October 15, 2002 [[Philippe is wearing a groom's tuxedo and on his knees next to a flower.]] / Philippe: Th- This flower is going to die in the winter, Mr. Bear? / [[Mr. Bear is in a bathrobe, holding a watering can.]] / Mr. Bear: Yes, the first frost usually takes these, Philippe. We'll plant new ones in the Spring. / Philippe: Is... is there any way to save it? / Mr. Bear: I'm afraid not... It's a rather cruel system, isn't it? / [[Philippe looks sadly at the flower.]] / Philippe: SNIF / {{SOON}} / Philippe (muttering): There we go 8... 7... 6... 5... / [[A mounted SureShot 2000 camera takes a picture with a CLICK]] / [[A photo of Philippe and the flower, sans the top of Philippe's head and half the flower.]] / Label: Philippe and Petunia WEDDING DAY 2002 / {{alt-text: til death do us part}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10152002
Achewood - October 15, 2002 [[Philippe is wearing a groom's tuxedo and on his knees next to a petunia.]] / Philippe: Th- This flower is going to die in the winter, Mr. Bear? / [[Mr. Bear is in a bathrobe, holding a watering can.]] / Mr. Bear: Yes, the first frost usually takes these, Philippe. We'll plant new ones in the Spring. / Philippe: Is... is there any way to save it? / [[Close on Mr. Bear's face]] / Mr. Bear: I'm afraid not... It's a rather cruel system, isn't it? / [[Philippe, still kneeling, looks sadly at the flower.]] / [[Philippe, still sad, quickly walks away from the flower]] / <> / [[Panel label: SOON. Philippe has his back to the reader as he works with something on tripod]] / Philippe (muttering): There we go 8... 7... 6... 5... / [[Close on a tripod mounted SureShot 2000 camera taking a flash picture]] / <> / [[A photo of Philippe kneeling by the flower and smiling. The shot is poorly framed with the top of Philippe's head and half the flower out of the shot. The picture is hand labelled: Philippe and Petunia WEDDING DAY 2002]] / {{alt-text and archive title: til death do us part}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10152002
Achewood - October 15, 2003 {{OPEN MIC NIGHT / LASZLO'S CAFE / THE UNDERGROUND / 3 AM}} / [[Roast Beef holds a microphone and reads from a handful of small papers]] / Roast Beef: Loaded gun / Roast Beef: hidden in a corn cob / Roast Beef: baby carrot is the trigger / Roast Beef: The bone pulls out of the drumstick / Roast Beef: to reveal a blade hidden in the meat; / Roast Beef: the bone is the handle. / Roast Beef: The hamburger has a microchip - / Roast Beef: The bun flips up: a tiny screen, a keyboard! / Roast Beef: OOOOOOOHHHHHHH SSSSHHHIIIIITTTTT! / [[Applause]] / {{Alt: The artichoke is a grenade}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10152003
Achewood - October 15, 2004 Teodor: What was with the Madame Tussaud's van out front? / Ray: They were droppin' off my new Damon and Affleck! / Teodor: You bought wax figures of Matt Damon and Ben Affleck? / Ray: Those guys are friends, man. Those guys are straight-up friends. / [[Ray and Teodor look at the wax figures]] / Teodor: What are you going to do with them? / Ray: I was thinkin' of settin' up a little indoor basketball court and posing them on it. / Ray: You know, Ben would have the ball, but he'd be passing it to Matt... both totally smiling... / {{Later Matt and Ben would ideally go out for chow mein and Bud Lites}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10152004
Achewood - October 15, 2007 [[Téodor holds a video camera]] / Téodor: Alright, well, we're live in five minutes. You ready, Todd? / [[Todd is on the set]] / Todd: I g-g-got like any frikkin' guests or somethin'? M-M-Musical act an' shit? / Téodor: No, looks like you're ad-libbing the whole hour. Ray pretty much bailed on this whole thing. / Todd: Y-Y-You gotta help me, T! I ain't had a bump in half a day! I got the shakes, man! / Téodor: Alright, well...I'll do impressions. You call them out. I'll get the tripod. / Narrator: ...AND WE'RE LIVE! / <<...CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP>> / Todd: Okay, now T's gonna do an impression 'a...Salma Hayek! Salma Frikkin' Hayek, everybody! / Téodor: [singing] GOOOOOD... / Téodor: [singing still] TIIIIIIITS! / {{Try it on your friends. They'll know who you're talking about.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10152007
a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10152008">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10152008 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
 
Achewood - The backyard gig - October 16, 2001 [[Téodor and Mr. Bear encounter Lyle]] / Lyle: You guys want to come see my band's first gig? / Téodor: What do you call yourselves? / Lyle: Mister Band. / [[Lyle hands them a flyer]] / [[They read the flyer]] / Téodor: "Sex Funeral"? / Mr. Bear: A dollar for a shot of Scope?
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10162001
Achewood - The backyard gig - October 16, 2001 [[Téodor and Mr. Bear encounter Lyle]] / Lyle: You guys want to come see my band's first gig? / Téodor: What do you call yourselves? / Lyle: Here, have a flyer. / [[Lyle hands them a flyer]] / [[They read the flyer]] / Téodor: "Sex Funeral"? / Mr. Bear: A dollar for a shot of Scope?
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10162001
Achewood - The backyard gig - October 16, 2001 [[Téodor and Mr. Bear encounter Lyle]] / Lyle: You guys want to come see my band's first gig? / Téodor: What do you call yourselves? / [[Lyle hands them a flyer]] / [[They read the flyer]] / Téodor: "Sex Funeral"? / Mr. Bear: A dollar for a shot of Scope?
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10162001
Achewood - October 16, 2002 [[The phone on Téodor's bedside table is ringing. Téodor lies in bed, asleep]] / <> / [[Téodor groggily answers the phone from his bed]] / Téodor: ugh... Hello / [[Ray Smuckles on a cordless phone, dressesd in a shit and tie]] / Ray: Téodor! Good morning! It's Ray Smuckles, down at the agency- / Téodor (on phone): I know who you are, Ray. / [[Ray continues]] / Ray: I was just wondering why you hadn't come in yet today! Can I expect you in a little bit? / Téodor (on phone): Why should I? We don't have any clients, any leads, or any money! / [[Téodor on the phone, leaning up on his elbow in bed, now perturbed]] / Téodor: You probably just want me to come in so you can lay me off! / [[Téodor on the phone waiting for a response]] / [[Téodor on the phone, angry]] / Téodor: You bastard! I was right! / Ray (on phone): No! No! That's not it! I...I need some help with the computer! / [[Téodor on the phone, glaring]] / Téodor: Tell me what the problem is. I'll tell you how to fix it. I'm not coming in. / [[Téodor listens to the phone, furious]] / Ray (on phone): The computer is... uh, it's got this weird... YOU'RE LAID OFF SORRY GOODBYE / <> / [[Téodor slams down the phone angrily]] / <> / [[Téodor has lain back down in bed. The bedside phone rings. Téodor looks at it questioningly]] / <> / [[Téodor answers the phone]] / Téodor: Hel- / Ray (on phone): Tina! It's Ray! Listen, I think we need to spend more time apart. Cool? Cool! / <> / {{Strip title in archives: Why Didn't You Come Into Work Today}} / {{Alt-text: word up to toothpastefordinner.com where you can download fine songs}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10162002
Achewood - October 16, 2003 [[Ray and Roast Beef sitting down and talking.]] / Ray: Dang, Beef! ComCast ain't fixed your cable internet yet?! / Roast Beef: I don't wanna talk about it / [[Close-up on Roast Beef.]] / Ray (from offscreen): How long's it been since you been on-line, anyway? / Roast Beef: Like a million days it seems / Gettin' kinda nervous about usin' that computer again / [[Back to view of Ray and Roast Beef.]] / Ray: What, like you won't know how to use the programs? / Roast Beef: No like I'm just gonna freak out / [[Close-up of Roast Beef wringing his hands in agitation.]] / Roast Beef: So many sites to catch up on / [[Vision of Roast Beef in front of the computer, frantically typing. In the background, a stock ticker-like display of URLs is partially obscured by speech bubbles: / DRUDGEREPORT THEONION NEWS.YAHOO.COM / SUICIDEGIRLS TOOTHPASTEFORDINNER CNET / AMIHOTORNOT / LEISURETOWN K10K.NET EBAY / SLASHDOT.ORG PAYPAL IMDB FORTEANTTIMES]] / Roast Beef: I feel like I'm just gonna start typin' URLs like crazy / URLs just flowin' outta my memory / [[Roast Beef still typing frantically, and looking surprised as a puff of smoke rises from the computer. Background URLs continue from last panel--full visible text all above.]] / Roast Beef: Typin' so fast my fingers blur Browser completely freezin' up / Computer hella crashin' and goin' black / [[Cut to view of Teodor, Lyle, and Dr. Andretti looking on sadly.]] / Roast Beef: Everyone in the doorway all starin' at me / Still typin' like mad Huge scared eyes / Doctor comes in He's seen it before / [[Roast Beef collapsed in front of the computer, his head hidden behind it.]] / Roast Beef: Single bullet to the base of my skull / That's the quickest way / {{This would never have happened with a DataBoys(TM) internet connection}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10162003
Achewood - October 16, 2006 <> / [[Roast Beef turns on the radio]] / Boom Box: A new study shows that drinking diet soda may actually CAUSE weight gain! / [[Roast Beef is concerned when he looks at the television]] / Television: Environmental scientists in Dallas say hybrids actually pollute MORE than the average SUV! / [[Roast Beef is washing dishes]] / Radio: Like watching baseball? Strikeout! Sedentary lifestyles are "batting a thousand" as America's quiet killer. / Radio: Turns out FRUIT'S to blame for all those wrinkles! / [[Roast Beef is extremely concerned by the television]] / Television: Want a car? Here's why it's the WORST decision you'll ever make! Dan Kuramoto explains. / Television: School's a must, say experts, but daily attendance MAY expose your child to the toxin load of a West Virginia coal miner! / Television: The North Toronto "egg-in-your-ear" night beetle has reached California! / [[Roast Beef is horrified by the computer]] / Computer: THIS local restaurant worker sprouted three-inch papillae from his tongue! Experts suggest the municipal water supply may harbor some answers. / Computer: It's "Star Wars" right here at home! Or, at least, THIS animal was hit by a car. Labrador owners may wish to leave the room.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10162006
Achewood - October 16, 2006 <> / [[Roast Beef turns on the radio]] / Boom Box: A new study shows that drinking diet soda may actually CAUSE weight gain! / [[Roast Beef is concerned when he looks at the television]] / Television: Environmental scientists in Dallas say hybrids actually pollute MORE than the average SUV! / [[Roast Beef is washing dishes]] / Radio: Like watching baseball? Strikeout! Sedentary lifestyles are "batting a thousand" as America's quiet killer. / Radio: Turns out FRUIT'S to blame for all those wrinkles! / [[Roast Beef is extremely concerned by the television]] / Television: Want a car? Here's why it's the WORST decision you'll ever make! Dan Kuramoto explains. / Television: School's a must, say experts, but daily attendance MAY expose your child to the toxin load of a West Virginia coal miner! / Television: The North Toronto "egg-in-your-ear" night beetle has reached California! / [[Roast Beef is horrified by the computer]] / Computer: THIS local restaurant worker sprouted three-inch papillae from his tongue! Experts suggest the municipal water supply may harbor some answers. / Computer: It's "Star Wars" right here at home! Or, at least, THIS animal was hit by a car. Labrador owners may wish to leave the room. / {{It's A Question The News-Papers Monday}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10162006
Achewood - October 16, 2007 Todd: An-an-an if I do say so myself, smoke Tall Hot Brutes, the cig wit' data / certain...carcinogenerosity! / Roast Beef: [[watching tv]] Oh my god they doin' it up hell of SNL style from the DAY! / Todd: Now, T-bag do me an impersonation 'a ... 'a... Martha Stewart inna frikkin' shower! / / Teodor: [[cupping bosoms]]SOOOO GOOOOD / Teodor: SUUUUCH A PRIVATE PLAAACE / Teodor: AAAAAAAAAA! / Todd: Sweet! Now do Jack frickin' Nicholson! / Teodor: Heh. Now, you know now, as an old man I got first right 'a refual for all 'a your popular / bands. Just the way it is. If old guys like me like 'em first, you're S.O.L., kiddo. Don't worry, / I don't like most of 'em. / [[Grabs Todd's mouth]] / Teodor: But I like these guys, these kids from the O.C., these "Social...Distortion" guys. You can / see it in 'em. / Todd: ERMF! / [[Still holding Todd, starts waving a bat in a menacing fashion]] / Teodor: You can tel they're THIS CLOSE to cashin' it ALL IN for another RIP on the PIPE, son! / Todd: AAAUGH!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10162007
 

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