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| Achewood - September 29, 2004 | R[[Teodor looks at records]]
/ Roast Beef: Dang man what is with all the stacks of wax Teodor
/ Teodor: I'm cleaning out my record collection. You want any 80s vanity albums?
/ [[Roast Beef looks at "I Was Just Bjorn That Way!", "I Wish To Dine In Your Private Restaurant", "Hulk Hogan and the Wrestling Rock Band", "Weiner Supply", and "I do..." / {{Mr. T recorded that album just to make a car payment}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09292004 |
| Achewood - September 29, 2005 | Three magazines, all with photos of Roast Beef as Jaime the Science Friend. / Hispanic Scientist
/ $3.50
/ ¡Chinga Jaime!
/ Kill This Man!: Why "Jaime the Science Friend" is Our Mortal Enemy
/ INSIDE: Winners of last month's recipe contest; Notable bridges / ¡Chinga Jaime!: the journal of anti-Jaime poetry and photography / Perspectiva (en inglés)
/ Identity of "Jaime the Science Friend" Revealed
/ Perspectiva has uncovered the identity of "Jaime the Science Friend," public access television's latest and most egregious debasement of Latino culture.
/ Raoul Cousins, as he is identitfied on official Prime Time Studios union filings, is a newcomer to acting and has previously worked "on computers." Mr. Cousins makes his home in the greater San Francisco bay area.
/ Prime Time Studios lists no street / {{Click here for the latest anti-Jaime photographs}}
/ {{links to: http://www.google.com/search?q=blibbity-bloo }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09292005 |
| Achewood - September 29, 2006 | Ray Smuckles: Butters, we been in here fifteen minutes. Why ain't we just get our bags and head back to the gate. / Butters: Be cool, Smuckles! Here, let's turn the key least 'til the 'lectricals go on, so we can catch some tunes. Ain't no player chills in silence, dogg.
/ Ray Smuckles: I will listen to music with you for ten minutes, Butters. / [[Inserts key into keyhole marked "begin"]] / [[helicopter eyes open]] / Ray Smuckles: Whoah! Butters! My legs! My LEGS, dude!
/ Butters: Damn, Smuck;es, don't Flinstone this bitch! I got a deposit... hold on, we floatin'?!
/ [[both of their legs grow out the bottom of the helicoptrt]] / Ray Smuckles: I... I can't feel my legs! I'm... I'm blackin' out... I'm... zzzzzz
/ Butters: Me... me either... I'm... zzzzzzzzz
/ [[legs very long now]] / [[helicopter walks past Hollywood sign, through desert, making < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09292006 |
| Achewood - September 29, 2006 | Ray Smuckles: Butters, we been in here fifteen minutes. Why ain't we just get our bags and head back to the gate. / Butters: Be cool, Smuckles! Here, let's turn the key least 'til the 'lectricals go on, so we can catch some tunes. Ain't no player chills in silence, dogg.
/ Ray Smuckles: I will listen to music with you for ten minutes, Butters. / [[Inserts key into keyhole marked "begin"]] / [[helicopter eyes open]] / Ray Smuckles: Whoah! Butters! My legs! My LEGS, dude!
/ Butters: Damn, Smuckles, don't Flintstone this bitch! I got a deposit... hold on, we floatin'?!
/ [[both of their legs grow out the bottom of the helicopter]] / Ray Smuckles: I... I can't feel my legs! I'm... I'm blackin' out... I'm... zzzzzz
/ Butters: Me... me either... I'm... zzzzzzzzz
/ [[legs very long now]] / [[helicopter walks past Hollywood sign, through desert, making < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09292006 |
| Achewood - September 30, 2002 | Raymond Smuckles, Esq. / Téodor: Whatcha doin', Ray?
/ Ray: Daaamn! Look at this, Téodor! / Ray: Look at all these funny letters I can write my name in! / Téodor: Yeah, those are called "fonts".
/ Ray: Man, I dig this font thing! I'm going to make myself a logo! / Ray: Whoah, who understands this font? Is it fro blind people?
/ Téodor: Here, let me help you with that. / [[soon]] Ray: Dang! This is lookin' good, T!
/ Téodor: Heh! / [[Ray has an idea light bulb over his head]] / Ray: Téodor!
/ Téodor: What?
/ Ray: We got to start us a advertising agency, dogg! http://achewood.com/?date=09302002 |
| Achewood - September 30, 2002 | Téodor: Whatcha doin', Ray?
/ Ray: Daaamn! Look at this, Teodor! / Ray: Look at all these funny letters I can write my name in! / Téodor: Yeah, those are called "fonts."
/ Ray: Man, I dig this font thing! I'm gonna make myself a logo! / Ray: Whoah! Who understands this font? Is this one for blind people?
/ Téodor: Here, let me help you with that. / Ray: Dang! This is lookin' good, T!
/ Téodor: Heh! / Ray: Téodor!
/ Téodor: What?
/ Ray: We gotta start us a advertising agency, dogg! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09302002 |
| Achewood - September 30, 2003 | Ray: Say hey, D'Shawn! 'sup 'sup? / Ray: It's Ray, man! Show me some love, dogg! / Ray: Ray! From Prime Time Records!
/ Ray: . . . your LABEL! / Ray: Of COURSE you know me, dude! I brought a twelver of Asahi to your birthday last month!
/ Ray: I don't like Asahi either! It was on the Club Card, dammit! I was in a hurry! / Ray: What? / Ray: Oh, alright . . .
/ Ray: American Curl, kinda light brown, Versace glasses . . . Yeah! Yeah! That's me! / Ray: Exercise, huh. Yeah, I'll look into it. Thanks. / {{ This does not bode well for the concert }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09302003 |
| Achewood - September 30, 2004 | [[Roast Beef is laying on his left side on the floor with his back to us, apparently contemplating an electrical outlet.]]
/ Molly (off-panel) : I'm hoooome!
/ Beef: How was your day of feeding riblets and oil salad to the monotremes / [[Molly has entered, with backpack. We see her standing near where Beef's head was lying in Panel 1]]
/ Molly: Please can we not talk about Applebee's? Mr. Trayner was a huge jerk today.
/ Beef (off-panel): I'm sorry How's that / [[Another angle, Molly looking down toward Beef with angry expression]]
/ Molly: He kept looking at my tits. How do you keep a guy from doing that? / [[Same angle as Panel 3 but with focus on Beef, who we now see is curled in a fetal position, eyes shut]]
/ Beef: Sleep with him / [[Same as panel 4]]
/ Beef: Right as he shudders to a climax look at his forehead and say that it would be good if you could do Thanksgiving with your folks this year and his the next / [[Same angle as first two panels, but including both Molly and Beef]]
/ Molly: Thanks. I'll do that.
/ Beef: Also remind him that if he gave you babies from his weiner you are going to need a longer car / {{Rollover text: Monotremes love a good oil salad}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09302004 |
| Achewood § September 30, 2009 | [[Todd -- at work as "Sensitive Todd" the male escort -- entertains a lady client in a booth at a cocktail lounge. Seated at panel left, Todd wears a collar and tie and holds a lit cigarette in his left hand. An ashtray rests before him on the circular table. Seated next to him at panel right, his client is a professionally dressed squirrel with blond hair, a blouse with a collar and a sweater tied around her neck.]]
/ Todd: ...an' a shotta Jäger for the l-l-lady, too!
/ Client: So now, Todd, may I ask what your day job is? / Todd: I'm a d-d-detective! B-But not just regular! I got this special power!
/ Client: Really now. And what is that. / [[Todd takes a drag off his cigarette.]]
/ Todd: I got bit by a...a electric eel...totally his fault, not mine...an' n-n-now I can solve crimes wit' my eyes!
/ [[The client studies the nails on her right hand.]]
/ Client: Mmm hmm. And what was the last crime you solved? / [[Closeup Todd]]
/ Todd: I...the economy ain't so good, ya know? / [[Two-shot Todd and Client. Todd ashes his cigarette onto the table, slightly to the left of the ashtray. His client looks away, to her left.]]
/ Todd: Mostly I just...well, I just helped this one guy beat the livin' crap outta some w-w-wino who tried ta pee between his legs at one 'a those urinals that goes all the way ta the floor!!
/ Right place, right time, ya know? Secret 'a my s-s-success. / [[Close up as Client suddenly turns her head to face Todd. Silent panel.]] / [[Two shot. Client folds her arms as she lectures Todd. Todd takes a drag from his cigarette.]]
/ Client: Todd, I have a salary. I have been to breakfast restaurants at breakfast time. I have left sporting events under my own free will.
/ Todd: Don't worry, fancy-snatch. You'll be less of a bitch after a couple Jägers. / [[Client rises to her feet and takes up her handbag with her left hand -- her right hand balled into a fist of rage. She shakes with revulsion and anger.]]
/ Client: Oh...my God. You PIG.
/ Todd: What?! It's true, rookie!
/ Client: Keep the money, Todd. Goodbye. / [[Todd, in shock, plants his hands on the table and lifts up slightly from his seat.]]
/ Todd: (Thinks) Whoah! Did I just make fiddy samoleans THAT fast?!
/ (Thinks) I...I'm like the Joe Satriani of pissin' chicks off! / {{Title Text: Incidentally, Joe Satriani is also the Joe Satriani of pissing chicks off.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09302009 |
| Achewood - October 1, 2001 | Téodor: This drum machine utterly confounds me. / Cornelius: We have the instruction manual for it.
/ Téodor: Philippe is standing on it. http://achewood.com/?date=10012001 |
| Achewood - October 1, 2001 | TÉODOR: This drum machine utterly confounds me. / MR. BEAR: We have the instruction manual for it.
/ TÉODOR: Philippe is standing on it. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10012001 |
| Achewood - October 1, 2002 | THE AD AGENCY, DAY 2
/ [[Ray, in a business suit, approaches Téodor at his computer]]
/ Ray: Téodor! I got us a client! Todd is starting an airline and he needs a logo made!
/ Téodor: Can he pay? / Ray: Can he...DUDE! Of course he can pay!
/ Téodor: What kind of logo is he lookin' for? / Ray: He said he wanted somethin' with his name and some wings and stuff. Can you do that? / SOON:
/ [[Téodor hands Ray a page with Todd's logo]]
/ Téodor: There, how's that. / Ray: Hm. We gotta get this in front of a focus group.
/ Téodor: Hold on, do you like it or not?
/ Ray: Well, Téodor, I don't know if I like it until the focus group tells me, now do I? / THE FOCUS GROUP
/ [[Ray with a notepad takes down Philippe and Roast Beef's reactions to the logo]]
/ Roast Beef: Well uh it's kinda small for a logo I mean
/ Philippe: It is a perfect... logo! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10012002 |
| Achewood - October 1, 2003 | [[Group photo of all characters from the first three years of Achewood.]] / Banner: OCTOBER 1, 2001 - OCTOBER 1, 2003
/ Caption: THANK YOU FOR BEING AT MY PARTY / {{title text: Can you name them all?}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10012003 |
| Achewood - October 1, 2003 | [[Group photo of all characters from the first two years of Achewood.]] / Banner: OCTOBER 1, 2001 - OCTOBER 1, 2003
/ Caption: THANK YOU FOR BEING AT MY PARTY / {{title text: Can you name them all?}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10012003 |
| Achewood - October 1, 2004 | 10.1.2001 - 10.1.2004
/ good dickens it has been three years / [[Philippe standing on the manual]]
/ Caption: 10.01.2001 / [[Roast Beef on the phone]]
/ Roast Beef: That lady is tough man she has some brass cans
/ Caption: 4.21.2002 / [[Ray looking at a bumper sticker]]
/ Bumper Sticker: SUPPORT MODERN CATHOLIC ARCHITECTURE
/ Caption: 9.17.2003 / [[Teodor and Philippe behold a Chicken Smiley]]
/ Recipe: Chicken Smiley
/ Get a Chicken Burrito Supreme from Taco Bell. Arrange two KFC drumsticks as legs, and two KFC wings as arms. You have just cooked a Chicken Smiley.
/ 5.6.2004 / [[Ray talking to Roast Beef]]
/ Ray: Hi, man. / [[The ice cream man, with a photo of the "actor" who played him attached to the panel with a paper clip]]
/ Ice Cream Man
/ Played by:
/ Paul F. Weiss
/ 11.13.2003 / [[Teodor at computer]]
/ Blog 8.27.2004
/ at least it's Friday and I can go for drinks and dancing at Ray's. I wonder what theme he'll have cooked up this time. Earlier in the week he wanted to do this Donald Trump theme, which I guess meant that he would fly away in a helicopter while the party went bankrupt, but hopefully he'll have changed his mind.
/ the dickens of a thank you to our fans / {{I Cartoon In A Cassock}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10012004 |
| Achewood - October 1, 2004 | 10.1.2001 - 10.1.2004
/ good dickens it has been three years / [[Philippe standing on the manual]]
/ Caption: 10.01.2001 / [[Roast Beef on the phone]]
/ Roast Beef: That lady is tough man she has some brass cans
/ Caption: 4.21.2002 / [[Ray looking at a bumper sticker]]
/ Bumper Sticker: SUPPORT MODERN CATHOLIC ARCHITECTURE
/ Caption: 9.17.2003 / [[Teodor and Philippe behold a Chicken Smiley]]
/ Recipe: Chicken Smiley
/ Get a Chicken Burrito Supreme from Taco Bell. Arrange two KFC drumsticks as legs, and two KFC wings as arms. You have just cooked a Chicken Smiley.
/ 5.6.2004 / [[Ray talking to Roast Beef]]
/ Ray: Hi, man. / [[The ice cream man, with a photo of the "actor" who played him attached to the panel with a paper clip]]
/ Ice Cream Man
/ Played by:
/ Paul F. Weiss
/ 11.13.2003 / [[Teodor at computer]]
/ Blog 8.27.2004
/ at least it's Friday and I can go for drinks and dancing at Ray's. I wonder what theme he'll have cooked up this time. Earlier in the week he wanted to do this Donald Trump theme, which I guess meant that he would fly away in a helicopter while the party went bankrupt, but hopefully he'll have changed his mind.
/ the dickens of a thank you to our fans / {{I Cartoon In A Cassock}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10012004 |
| Achewood - October 1, 2007 | boners http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10012007 |
| Achewood - October 1, 2007 | {{title text: Pissing away six years feels like nothing. Crumb says even thirty's a joke.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10012007 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10012008">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10012008 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Téodor's birthday presents | Philippe: What did you get Téodor for his birthday?
/ [[Mr. Bear holds box]] / Mr. Bear: Just a momentary diversion on the road to the grave. / [[Philippe holds up Stomper]]
/ Phillipe: I got him a Stomper!
/ Mr. Bear: That's mine, Philippe. Why is it wet?
/ Phillipe: Because of a problem? / {{toy, present, gift, bedwetting, urination}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10022001 |
| Téodor's birthday presents | Philippe: What did you get Téodor for his birthday?
/ [[Mr. Bear holds box]] / Mr. Bear: Just a momentary diversion on the road to the grave. / Phillipe: I got him a Stomper!
/ Mr. Bear: That's mine, Philippe. Why is it wet?
/ Phillipe: Because of a problem? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10022001 |
| Achewood - October 02 2001 | Philippe: What did you get Téodor for his birthday? / Mr. Bear: Just a momentary diversion on the road to the grave. / Phillipe: I got him a Stomper!
/ Mr. Bear: That's mine, Philippe. Why is it wet?
/ Phillipe: Because of a problem? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10022001 |
| Flower Lesson | [[Philippe reaches to pick a flower]]
/ Lie Bot: Philippe! Don't touch that! / Philippe: Why not, Lie Bot?
/ Lie Bot: You shouldn't touch flowers! / Philippe: But how come? / Lie Bot: Don't you know? The flower is the private parts of the plant!
/ It's what they use to make babies! / Philippe: Oh... oh no! Is... do you think the flower is mad with me?
/ I'm sorry flower! / [[Lie Bot is shocked]]< http://achewood.com/?date=10022002 |
| Achewood - October 2, 2002 | [[Philippe is kneeling on the grass, touching a flower]] / [[Lie Bot appears, Philippe looks shocked]]
/ Lie Bot: Philippe! Don't touch that! / Philippe: Why not, Lie Bot?
/ Lie Bot: You shouldn't touch flowers! / Philippe: But how come? / Lie Bot: Don't you know? The flower is the private parts of the plant! It's what they use to make babies! / Philippe: Oh...oh no! Is...do you think the flower is mad with me?!
/ Philippe: (to flower) I'm sorry flower! / Lie Bot: GASP! / [[Lie Bot is pointing an accusing finger at Philippe, Philippe looks shocked]]
/ Lie Bot: Philippe, this flower is pregnant and you're the father! / {{title text: buggles am a camera}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10022002 |
| Achewood - October 2, 2002 | [[Philippe is kneeling on the grass, touching a flower]] / [[Lie Bot appears, Philippe looks shocked]]
/ Lie Bot: Philippe! Don't touch that! / Philippe: Why not, Lie Bot?
/ Lie Bot: You shouldn't touch flowers! / Philippe: But how come? / Lie Bot: Don't you know? The flower is the private parts of the plant! It's what they use to make babies! / Philippe: Oh...oh no! Is...do you think the flower is mad with me?!
/ Philippe: (to flower) I'm sorry flower! / Lie Bot: GASP! / [[Lie Bot is pointing an accusing finger at Philippe, Philippe looks shocked]]
/ Lie Bot: Philippe, this flower is pregnant and you're the father! / {{title text: buggles am a camera}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10022002 |
| Achewood - October 2, 2002 | [[Philippe is kneeling on the grass, touching a flower]] / [[Lie Bot appears, Philippe looks shocked]]
/ Lie Bot: Philippe! Don't touch that! / Philippe: Why not, Lie Bot?
/ Lie Bot: You shouldn't touch flowers! / Philippe: But how come? / Lie Bot: Don't you know? The flower is the private parts of the plant! It's what they use to make babies! / Philippe: Oh...oh no! Is...do you think the flower is mad with me?!
/ Philippe: (to flower) I'm sorry flower! / Lie Bot: GASP! / [[Lie Bot is pointing an accusing finger at Philippe, Philippe looks shocked]]
/ Lie Bot: Philippe, this flower is pregnant and you're the father! / {{title text: buggles am a camera}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10022002 |
| Achewood - October 2, 2003 | How you doin', Pat? Ten minutes to SHOWTIME / Man, I know I have a message to spread, but I am all kinds of nervous!
/ 45,000 tickets sold, opening act canceled, national TV coverage... / Dude, no worries! I landed someone to warm up the crowd.
/ You did? Who?!
/ I got Vegetable Brain! Can you believe it ?! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10022003 |
| Achewood - October 2, 2003 | [[Dressing room door. Two signs: Pat Reynolds / COME IN! :) ]]
/ Ray: How you doin', Pat? Ten minutes to SHOWTIME! / Pat: Man, I know I got a message to spread, but I am all kinds of nervous!
/ Pat: 45,000 tickets sold, opening act canceled, national TV coverage... / Ray: Dude, no worries! I landed someone to warm up the crowd!
/ Pat: You did? Who?!
/ Ray: I got Vegetable Brain! Can you believe it?! / Pat: That comedian from the collect-call commercials?
/ Ray: Yeah, man! He's busting out all kinds of jokes on the audience right now! / [[CONCURRENTLY]]
/ Vegetable Brain: Ha ha! And WHAT'S up with sprinkler systems going off at weird times, anyway?!
/ Vegetable Brain: It's like, "Hey! You got me all wet!" / [[Vegetable Brain shrugs idiotically]] / [[Philippe (in a Batman shirt), Téodor, Roast Beef, and Lyle are in the audience]]
/ Roast Beef: It would be cool if every time he told a joke someone shot a dove. / {{title text: One time Vegetable Brain rocked Reno}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10022003 |
| Achewood - October 2, 2003 | How you doin', Pat? Ten minutes to SHOWTIME / Man, I know I have a message to spread, but I am all kinds of nervous!
/ 45,000 tickets sold, opening act canceled, national TV coverage... / Dude, no worries! I landed someone to warm up the crowd.
/ You did? Who?!
/ I got Vegetable Brain! Can you believe it ?! / That comedian from the collect-call commercials?
/ Yeah, man! He's busting out all kinds of jokes on the audience right now! / [[CONCURRENTLY]]
/ Ha ha! And WHAT'S up with sprinkler systems, anyway?!
/ It's all like, "Hey! You got me all wet!" / / It would be cool if every time he told a joke some-one shot a dove http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10022003 |
| Achewood - October 2, 2006: Helicopter Longlegs | {{Title text: The Dead Man soundtrack, but played on a theremin}}
/ {{Ray and Bensington Butters are in a Mexican magical realism helicopter that has grown long, stilt-like legs and begun walking them cross-country}} / [[Butters' helicopter is standing in a field with cows]] / [[Butters' helicopter begins to shake]] / [[Butters' helicopter shakes off its blades and rotors]] / [[Butters' helicopter resumes walking]] / [[Butters' helicopter continues walking]] / [[Butters' helicopter continues walking along a country road, past more cows]] / [[Butters' helicopter continues walking]] / [[Butters' helicopter stands on a hill overlooking a large building or warehouse]] / [[Butters' helicopter is standing on the hillside]] / [[The cockpit of Butters' helicopter splits in two pieces, falls away, revealing Ray and Butters from afar]] / [[Ray and Butters continue to stand where the helicopter used to be]] / {{This panel reveals that what appeared to be the legs of the helicopter were actually the legs of Ray and Butters}}
/ [[A close-up shot of Ray and Butters, looking confused]] / [[Ray and Butters look at each other in confusion]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10022006 |
| Achewood - October 2, 2007 | {{ASCII art transcription follows.}} / / a c h e w o o d (c)2007 Chris Onstad achewood.com / / 2 0 0 8 2 0 1 2 2 0 1 9 2 0 2 6 2 0 3 1 2 0 3 9 2 0 5 2 / / Ray holds an | Ray's head | Ray is at a | Ray, sans | Ray is happy| Ray is in a| View of a / elaborate | and arm are| podium, | ears, with | and has ears| white robe,| modest, Cross- / candlestick, | bandaged. | speaking. | glasses, | of the futu-|looking old.| marked tomb- / smiling | He appears | He has no | pipe and | re. He gives| He coughs | stone and / proudly. | bummed. | ears. | robe. Aged.| 2 thumbs up.| twice. | fresh fill. / +-------------+------------+-------------+------------+-------------+------------+-------------+ / | | | | | | / Teodor is | Teodor is | Teodor is | Teodor is | View of a | | / mowing the | quite fat, | less fat, | in the best| modest tomb-| | / lawn. | wearing a | and jogging.| shape of | stone marked| X | X / | large gray | There is an | his life. | ORESZCU. The| | / | shirt. | iPod nano | He smiles | earth isn't | | / | | on his arm. | and waves. | fresh-dug. | | / +-------------+------------+-------------+------------+-------------+------------+-------------+ / | | | | | | / Phillipe has | Phillipe is| Phillipe is | Phillipe is| Phillipe is | Phillipe is| Phillipe / his eyes | carrying | jumping. He | near the | in his bunny| looking | stands, arms / closed and | the Olympic| smiles. | Eiffel | pajamas, | happily at | at his side, / arms folded, | torch. He | Phillipe is | Tower. | looking | a butter- | satisfied. / smiling. | wears a | five. | He smiles. | inquisitive.| fly. | Phillipe is / | tracksuit. | | | | | five. / +-------------+------------+-------------+------------+-------------+------------+-------------+ / | | | | | | / Roast Beef | Beef, now | Beef sings | Beef's bald| View of | Molly seems| / wears a shirt| with black | at a micro- | and looks | an assort- | to be yell-| X / and tie. He | hair, is | phone. He | shitty, w/ | ment of | ing at Beef| / looks vaguely| singing. | wears a | cigarette | pills. | | (white on / depressed. | | black shirt.| and Jack. | | | black) / + + + + + + / // / / {{Alt text: Through his speaking engagements, Ray helped thousands of young students.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10022007 |
| The new catalog has arrived | Lyle: Who wants a smoke?
/ Mr. Bear: I do.
/ Téodor: I do.
/ Philippe: I do. / Lyle: And who would prefer to spend five minutes alone in the bathroom with the new FAO Shwarz catalog? / [[Cutting to Mr. Bear, Téodor, and Philippe]]
/ Mr. Bear: Oh yeah!
/ Téodor: Hubba Hubba!
/ Philippe: One minute! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10032001 |
| The new catalog has arrived | [[Lyle stands inside]]
/ Lyle: Who wants a smoke?
/ Mr. Bear: I do.
/ Téodor: I do.
/ Philippe: I do. / [[Lyle stands holding FAO Shwarz catalog]]
/ Lyle: And who would prefer to spend five minutes alone in the bathroom with the new FAO Shwarz catalog? / [[Mr. Bear, Téodor, and Philippe are excited]]
/ Mr. Bear: Oh yeah!
/ Téodor: Hubba Hubba!
/ Philippe: One minute! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10032001 |
| The new catalog has arrived | [[Shirtless Lyle stands with his hands hidden behind his back]]
/ Lyle: Who wants a smoke?
/ Anonymous: I do.
/ Anonymous: I do.
/ Anonymous: I do. / [[Lyle holds out what was behind his back--a magazine-like object]]
/ Lyle: And who would prefer to spend five minutes alone in the bathroom with the new FAO Shwarz catalog? / [[Cutting to Mr. Bear, Téodor, and Philippe]]
/ Mr. Bear: Oh yeah!
/ Téodor: Hubba Hubba!
/ Philippe: One minute! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10032001 |
| The new catalog has arrived | [[Lyle standing with his hands behind his back.]]
/ Lyle: Who wants a smoke?
/ Mr. Bear: I do.
/ Téodor: I do.
/ Philippe: I do. / [[Lyle holds up a catalog.]]
/ Lyle: And who would prefer to spend five minutes alone in the bathroom with the new FAO Shwarz catalog? / [[Cutting to Mr. Bear, Téodor, and Philippe]]
/ Mr. Bear: Oh yeah!
/ Téodor: Hubba Hubba!
/ Philippe: One minute! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10032001 |
| The new catalog has arrived | Lyle: Who wants a smoke?
/ [[Offscreen]]
/ Mr. Bear: I do.
/ Téodor: I do.
/ Philippe: I do. / Lyle: And who would prefer to spend five minutes alone in the bathroom with the new FAO Shwarz catalog? / [[Cutting to Mr. Bear, Téodor, and Philippe]]
/ Mr. Bear: Oh yeah!
/ Téodor: Hubba Hubba!
/ Philippe: One minute! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10032001 |
| Achewood - October 03, 2001 | Lyle: Who wants a smoke?
/ Mr. Bear: I do.
/ Téodor: I do.
/ Philippe: I do. / Lyle: And who would prefer to spend five minutes alone in the bathroom with the new FAO Shwarz catalog? / Mr. Bear: Oh yeah!
/ Téodor: Hubba Hubba!
/ Philippe: One minute! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10032001 |
| Aberlour | Ray: Roast Beef! You gotta get down here, dogg!
/ Roast Beef: Uh why Ray what's goin' on / Ray: We just closed the Todd Account! We drinkin' us some kinky Arberlour!
/ [[Teodor spraypaints "WORD UP"]] / Roast Beef: Uh I ain't so much of a Scotch guy You got any of that cool beer you had
/ Roast Beef: You know the kind that was all like FWISSSSH
/ [[Sign: don't throw stuff at ME]] / Ray: You mean Guinness? Oh hell yeah! I got a whole case of it! / Roast Beef: You got any Huey Lewis albums
/ Ray: Like seven! / Roast Beef: Any weed
/ Ray: Y-Yeah...we got a little! / Roast Beef: WELL THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD INVITE HUEY LEWIS OVER AND OPEN THE WINDOWS
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10032002 |
| Aberlour | Ray: Roast Beef! You gotta get down here, dogg!
/ Roast Beef: Uh why Ray what's goin' on / Ray: We just closed the Todd Account! We drinkin' us some kinky Aberlour!
/ [[Teodor spraypaints "WORD UP"]] / Roast Beef: Uh I ain't so much of a Scotch guy You got any of that cool beer you had
/ Roast Beef: You know the kind that was all like FWISSSSH
/ [[Sign: don't throw stuff at ME]] / Ray: You mean Guinness? Oh hell yeah! I got a whole case of it! / Roast Beef: You got any Huey Lewis albums
/ Ray: Like seven! / Roast Beef: Any weed
/ Ray: Y-Yeah...we got a little! / Roast Beef: WELL THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD INVITE HUEY LEWIS OVER AND OPEN THE WINDOWS
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10032002 |
| Achewood - October 3, 2003 | Carrot Top: Gyuh-huh! Awesome crowd tonight! Good luck, Pat dude!
/ [[Pat is wearing a cape and holding an acoustic guitar]]
/ Pat: Why thank you, Vegetable Brain! / Carrot Top: Good luck!
/ Pat: Thank you!
/ Pat: Thank you! / [[Carrot Top extends his hand]]
/ Carrot Top: Good luck!
/ [[Pat takes it to shake]]
/ Pat: Thank you! / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10032003 |
| Achewood - October 3, 2005 | Ray: Good news, Beef! You just landed a paid speaking gig as Jaime the Science Friend! / Roast Beef: Oh jeez man you got to be kidding me
/ Ray: Five grand, dude! Don't consider not doing this! / Roast Beef: Man that kind of scratch would be pretty tidy I got to admit / Roast Beef: Who's the letter from / Ray: Lessee here..."The Knights - Love NOT Hate - Racialist Power Rally 2005." Here's their letter: / Ray: Ahem..."We unanimously found Jaime the Science Friend to be the perfect entertainment choice for our group: a side-splitting send-up which glorifies White pride and Christian values." What? / Roast Beef: Oh good you've turned me into a motivational tool for folks who make the NRA look like a bunch of guys sittin' around a Michigan basement givin' each other titty twisters
/ Ray: Whoops. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10032005 |
| Achewood - October 3, 2005 | Ray: Good news, Beef! You just landed a paid speaking gig as Jaime the Science Friend! / Roast Beef: Oh jeez man you got to be kidding me
/ Ray: Five grand, dude! Don't consider not doing this! / Roast Beef: Man that kind of scratch would be pretty tidy I got to admit / Roast Beef: Who's the letter from / Ray: Lessee here..."The Knights - Love NOT Hate - Racialist Power Rally 2005." Here's their letter: / Ray: Ahem..."We unanimously found Jaime the Science Friend to be the perfect entertainment choice for our group: a side-splitting send-up which glorifies White pride and Christian values." What? / Roast Beef: Oh good you've turned me into a motivational tool for folks who make the NRA look like a bunch of guys sittin' around a Michigan basement givin' each other titty twisters
/ Ray: Whoops. / {{ A titty twister hurts less than a Crossman lead pellet to the nipple, but more than a Crossman BB to the nipple. }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10032005 |
| Achewood - October 3, 2006 | [[The mysterious warehouse in the desert]]
/ [[ Ray and Bensington Butters are walking on their long legs down a hill]]
/ Narrator: Hoping to find a cellular phone and a searing alcoholic beverage, Ray and Bensington Butters head down the moutain path towards the mysterious warehouse. They encounter a string of singular characters, including:
/ << very old man: URR-RUGH! HLARGH! >>
/ Narrator: ...a very old man who is permanantly vomiting...
/ << very old man: ARRR! URRH-RAGHURGH! HUUURGH! >>
/ << splat splat >>
/ [[Ray is concerned]]
/ << the whispering earth: It's not going to be ok this time >>
/ Narrator: ...and the whispering earth.
/ << very old man: URRR-ARGH! >>
/ << SPLAT >>
/ << very old man: GASP GASP GASP >>
/ [[ very old man has a look or nearly-resigned horror ]]
/ << very old man: HUUUR-AGH! >>
/ << SPLAT >> http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10032006 |
| Who ate my 'shrooms? | [[Teodor is shaking a box]]
/ Téodor: Hey, somebody ate all my 'shrooms! / [[Philippe appears in the background]]
/ Téodor: I'm sure I hid them in this trail mix.
/ Philippe: My mother knew that I would die some day! / [[Philippe begins to float in the air]]
/ Philippe: A snake rode a motorcycle seven miles!
/ Téodor: Man, where am I gonna get another twenty bucks? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10042001 |
| Who ate my 'shrooms? | [[Teodor is shaking a box]]
/ Téodor: Hey, somebody ate all my 'shrooms! / [[Philippe appears in the background]]
/ Téodor: I'm sure I hid them in this trail mix.
/ Philippe: My mother knew that I would die some day! / [[Philippe begins to float in the air with wide, dark eyes]]
/ Philippe: A snake rode a motorcycle seven miles!
/ Téodor: Man, where am I gonna get another twenty bucks? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10042001 |
| Who ate my 'shrooms? | [[Teodor is shaking a box with a look of confusion]]
/ Téodor: Hey, somebody ate all my 'shrooms! / [[Teodor shakes the box with a look of frustration, Philippe appears in the background]]
/ Téodor: I'm sure I hid them in this trail mix.
/ Philippe: My mother knew that I would die one day! / [[Teodor continues to shake the box and seems quite cross, Philippe begins to float in the air with dialated pupils]]
/ Philippe: A snake rode a motorcycle seven miles!
/ Téodor: Man, where am I gonna get another twenty bucks? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10042001 |
| Who ate my 'shrooms? | [[Teodor is shaking a box]]
/ Téodor: Hey, somebody ate all my 'shrooms! / [[Philippe appears in the background]]
/ Téodor: I'm sure I hid them in this trail mix.
/ Philippe: My mother knew that I would die some day! / [[Philippe begins to float in the air, eyes wide]]
/ Philippe: A snake rode a motorcycle seven miles!
/ Téodor: Man, where am I gonna get another twenty bucks? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10042001 |
| Who ate my 'shrooms? | [[Teodor is shaking an empty box upside down.]]
/ Téodor: Hey, somebody ate all my 'shrooms! / [[In the background Philippe walks into view, smiling.]]
/ Téodor: I'm sure I hid them in this trail mix.
/ Philippe: My mother knew that I would die some day! / [[Philippe floats into the air, eyes wide.]]
/ Philippe: A snake rode a motorcycle seven miles!
/ Téodor: Man, where am I gonna get another twenty bucks? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10042001 |
| Who ate my 'shrooms? | [[Teodor is shaking a box]]
/ Téodor: Hey, somebody ate all my 'shrooms! / [[Philippe appears in the background]]
/ Téodor: I'm sure I hid them in this trail mix.
/ Philippe: My mother knew that I would die some day! / [[Philippe shown with very large pupils, and begins to float in the air]]
/ Philippe: A snake rode a motorcycle seven miles!
/ Téodor: Man, where am I gonna get another twenty bucks? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10042001 |
| Achewood - October 04, 2001 | Téodor: Hey, somebody ate all my 'shrooms! / Téodor: I'm sure I hid them in this trail mix.
/ Philippe: My mother knew that I would die some day! / [[Philippe begins to float in the air, pupils wide]]
/ Philippe: A snake rode a motorcycle seven miles!
/ Téodor: Man, where am I gonna get another twenty bucks? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10042001 |
| Pat Reynolds | [[Tag: the UNIQUE GUY]] / [[Pat is typing a letter]]
/ Pat: Dear Sirs: Please find enclosed one (1) Exclusive "Pork Pie Hat," size 2 5/8.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10042002 |
| Achewood - October 4, 2004 | [[Roast Beef's trailer]]
/ Roast Beef: Damn I got to make some scratch if me and Molly are gonna get our own place Talk to me Help Wanted page Tell me of the things I can do / [[Roast Beef and Molly in bed. Roast Beef reading the paper.]]
/ Roast Beef: Wow this lab needs someone to help run medical experiments / [[Roast Beef imagines himself holding a hammer as mice scurry away across a table]] / [[Roast Beef imagines one mouse remaining at the edge of the table]] / [[Roast Beef imagines himself dropping the hammer]] / [[Roast Beef grabbing the mouse's paw with tweezers]] / {{Science marches on, but at what cost?}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10042004 |
| Achewood - October 4, 2005 | [[ Roast Beef is on the phone with the KKK. ]] / Roast Beef: Uh yeah uh yes this is Jaime the Science Friend responding to the Knights' written request that I perform at-- / KKK guy: Oh! *Jaaaaime!* Good boy now! Good boy for callin'! Good to know the Knights will be enjoying your hi-larious Racialist humor next week! / Roast Beef: Well that's the thing--
/ KKK guy: It IS just the thing, now isn't it? We are tickled pink, son. Good boy. / Roast Beef: I--
/ KKK guy: We had just the devil of a time gettin' a top-quality entertainment this year, I mus' tell you! / KKK guy: First we had a kind of a well I don't know how you say it *an old-fashioned geek Chinaman* said he could kill, cook and eat a civet cat in thirty seconds . . . / KKK guy: And when that fell through we had a group of Harvard boys gonna play as nigger minstrels! That fell through. / KKK guy: So I guess that at the end of all my talkin', Jaime, what I'm tryin' to say is that we are just pleased as riches to have you aboard. / Roast Beef: Well then I guess it's pickles on parade if I tell you that I am a Jew as my father did lay with a Jewess those many years ago / KKK guy: Hm. Well, now. Oh, lordy. << SIGH >> Yes, I guess that IS pickles on parade. For both of us, though, mind you! / {{ The man on the phone explains that Beef's purported heritage is ALSO pickles on parade. }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10042005 |
| Achewood - October 4, 2006 | [[Ray and Bensington Butters happen upon a huge warehouse at the bottom of the mountain path. Ray peers through the door and is horrified to discover that it leads only to another barren field. He lets the door shut with a < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10042006 |
| Achewood - October 4, 2007 | [[Ray is talking on his cell phone to Todd]]
/ Ray: Well how much underwear DID you eat? / [[Beat panel. Ray listens to cell phone bemusedly]] / Ray: That's IT? / Ray: Of course they'll let you on the plane! Just don't act like anything's wrong! / Ray: No they ain't gonna know just by lookin' in your eyes! Act normal, and get on the damn plane! We filmin' our first episode tonight, Todd! / Ray: HEY! Ain't no stewardesses gonna hear it digestin' in you, Todd! LISTEN TO ME! HEY! DO... DO NOT CUT IT OUT OF YOU! NO ONE CAN HEAR UNDERWEAR ONCE IT'S INSIDE OF YOU! TODD! TODD! / SOON
/ Téodor: Where are you going? We start taping in four hours
/ Ray: Vegas. The Talented Dr. Sniffles just gave his bad self a whale tail-ectomy on the sharpened corner of an Emeril Lagasse franchise. Back in three. / {{title-text: Todd originally went just to attend Jelq-Con, but became distracted.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10042007 |
| Achewood - October 4, 2007 | [[Ray is talking on his cell phone]]
/ Ray: Well, how much underwear DID you eat? / [[Ray listens silently.]] / Ray: That's IT? / Ray: Of course they'll let you on the plane! Just don't act like anything's wrong! / Ray: No they ain't gonna know just by lookin' in your eyes! Act normal, and get on the damn plane! We filmin' our first episode tonight, Todd! / Ray: HEY! Ain't no stewardess gonna hear it digestin' in you, Todd! LISTEN TO ME! HEY!
/ Ray: [after pause] DO... DO NOT CUT IT OUT OF YOU! NO ONE CAN HEAR UNDERWEAR ONCE IT'S INSIDE OF YOU!
/ Ray: [after another pause] TODD! TODD! / SOON
/ Téodor: Where are you going? We start taping in four hours
/ Ray: Vegas. The Talented Dr. Sniffles just gave his bad self a whale tail-ectomy on the sharpened corner of an Emeril Lagasse franchise. Back in three. / {{alt-text: Todd originally went just to attend Jelq-Con, but became distracted.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10042007 |
| Achewood - A call to Modemtown - October 5, 2001 | [[Téodor is on a cordless phone, at his computer]]
/ Phone voice: ...ALL OF OUR LINES ARE BUSY. PLEASE CONTINUE TO HOLD.
/ Téodor: Oh jesus do I have to pee. / [[Téodor pushes open the door to the bathroom]]
/ Phone voice: ...MODEMTOWN APPRECIATES YOUR CALL. THIS CALL MAY BE RE-...
/ Téodor: They're not going to pick up in the next few minutes. / [[Philippe is standing outside the bathroom and hears:]]
/ Teodor's voice: OH, HI. YEAH, IT HASN'T BEEN UP IN THREE DAYS. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10052001 |
| Achewood - A call to Modemtown - October 5, 2001 | [[Téodor is on a cordless phone, at his computer]]
/ Phone voice: ...ALL OF OUR LINES ARE BUSY. PLEASE CONTINUE TO HOLD.
/ Téodor: Oh jesus do I have to pee. / [[Téodor pushes open the door to the bathroom]]
/ Phone voice: ...MODEMTOWN APPRECIATES YOUR CALL. THIS CALL MAY BE RE-...
/ Téodor: They're not going to pick up in the next few minutes. / [[Philippe is standing outside the bathroom and hears:]]
/ Teodor's voice: OH, HI. YEAH, IT HASN'T BEEN UP IN THREE DAYS. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10052001 |
| Achewood - A call to Modemtown - October 5, 2001 | [[Téodor is on a cordless phone, at his computer]]
/ Phone voice: ...ALL OF OUR LINES ARE BUSY. PLEASE CONTINUE TO HOLD.
/ Téodor: Oh jesus do I have to pee. / [[Téodor pushes open the door to the bathroom]]
/ Phone voice: ...MODEMTOWN APPRECIATES YOUR CALL. THIS CALL MAY BE RE-...
/ Téodor: They're not going to pick up in the next few minutes. / [[Philippe is standing outside the bathroom and hears:]]
/ Teodor's voice: OH, HI. YEAH, IT HASN'T BEEN UP IN THREE DAYS. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10052001 |
| Achewood - A call to Modemtown - October 5, 2001 | [[Téodor is on a cordless phone, at his computer]]
/ Phone voice: ...ALL OF OUR LINES ARE BUSY. PLEASE CONTINUE TO HOLD.
/ Téodor: Oh jesus do I have to pee. / [[Téodor pushes open the door to the bathroom]]
/ Phone voice: ...MODEMTOWN APPRECIATES YOUR CALL. THIS CALL MAY BE RE-...
/ Téodor: They're not going to pick up in the next few minutes. / [[Philippe is standing outside the bathroom and hears:]]
/ Teodor's voice: OH, HI. YEAH, IT HASN'T BEEN UP IN THREE DAYS. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10052001 |
| Achewood - A call to Modemtown - October 5, 2001 | [[Téodor is on a cordless phone, at his computer]]
/ Phone voice: ...ALL OF OUR LINES ARE BUSY. PLEASE CONTINUE TO HOLD.
/ Téodor: Oh jesus do I have to pee. / [[Téodor pushes open the door to the bathroom]]
/ Phone voice: ...MODEMTOWN APPRECIATES YOUR CALL. THIS CALL MAY BE RE-...
/ Téodor: They're not going to pick up in the next few minutes. / [[Philippe is standing outside the bathroom and hears:]]
/ Teodor's voice: OH, HI. YEAH, IT HASN'T BEEN UP IN THREE DAYS. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10052001 |
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