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Achewood - September 21, 2007 [[Ray stands at his front door]] / City council candidate Jim: Hello sir! I'm Jim! I'm running for city council! May I put one of my campaign signs in your front yard? / Ray: Fuck you for thinking of my property as your whore! / [[Ray enters a Best Buy]] / Hot dumbass: Hi! Before you go into Best Buy, want to hear about our great minute-to-minute family calling plan? / Ray: Fuck you for being some hot dumbass employed by a cell phone company! And fuck your calculated tight black pants! / [[Ray is somewhere else]] / 19 year old petition guy: Sir, can you please sign this petition condemning commercial development west of Industrial Road and south of the redistricted-- / Ray: YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT? / [[Ray points at the young 19 year old petition guy]] / Ray: YOU WANT TO BE NINE-TEEN? GO AHEAD! / [[19 year old petition guy runs off]] / Ray: YOU JUST STAY THE *FUCK* OUT OF EVERYBODY'S FACE UNTIL YOU GOT THE FUCKIN' JUICE TO GET A JOB WHERE THEY GIVE YOU A *CHAIR*! / {{footer text: This Fuck You Friday Brought to you by Mon-Thurs.}} / {{title text: Hot dumbasses with card tables are the scourge of our nation's retail entryways. }}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09212007
Achewood § September 21, 2009 [[Cornelius is typing away at his Typewriter as Teodor walks in]] / <> / Teodor: Hey, are you still with Poppy? / Cornelius: Not to my knowledge, but age does quite a fan dance with the big gray party pooper. Perhaps you mean my sweetheart Polly? / Teodor: Sorry. Is Polly still a... stripper? / Cornelius: Indeed. Why do you ask? / [[Close up on Teodor]] / Teodor: I... I was out at the Brown Jug last night, and I realized I had no idea what was okay, what was off-limits, or even how to tip. I mean, what's the protocol at strip clubs? I couldn't find anything online. / [[Close up on Cornelius]] / Cornelius: You are wise to ask, as it is quite a fraught subject. Polly has chronicled many a workplace misdeed for me. / [[Teodor gently punches Cornelius on the shoulder]] / <> / Teodor: You and her should compile the ultimate list of strip-club etiquette! Like Emily Post- but, like, Emily Pole! / Cornelius: I say! I see a bit of an angle in that! / [[Cornelius is now typing away, alone]] / Subtitle: Soon. / Cornelius: (Typing) A Discreet Primer: On The Subject of Patronizing a Striptease. / <> / Cornelius: (Typing) It is the most natural thing in the world for a man to wish to view a woman in the nude; / <> / Cornelius: (Typing) yet, few men can achieve this arrangement on a regular enough basis to maintain a successful sense of self. Hence, the "strip" club. / <> / [[Teodor reenters as Cornelius is typing]] / Cornelius: (Typing) In this open-minded exploration of all allowable aspects of the subject, the author has attempted to present to you an errorless, or near-errorless - / Teodor: Jesus, man. / Cornelius: What? / Teodor: Dude. I was bored by the time I saw the font. Write it like one of those "Dummies" books, and use my computer. / Cornelius: Ah. Point taken. Tone unsuited to subject. / [[Cornelius is now working at Teodor's Mac, a glass of some liquor next to him. The background is taken up by the cover he is working on]] / Cover: (In ridiculous fonts and letter arrangements) "STRIP" Clubs, But for "DUMMIES"!! By C. "Mack" 2Nite / Cornelius: Quark XPress, you indulgent little vixen, you! / {{Anytime you chuck Cornelius on the shoulder, it automatically makes that chummy little sound}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09212009
Achewood - September 22, 2003 [[Pat is on the phone with a radio show.]] / Pat: Yes, this is Pat from Achewood Estates---I don't think barbers SHOULD make much money! / Radio host: Alllright! Thank you for calling in to the KPMA Question of the Day! / [[Pat is running through his house.]] / Pat: [[Thinking]] Man they had me on hold so long I thought my damn bladder was gonna bust wide open! / [[In bathroom]] / Pat: Oh DAMMIT my damn toilet is leakin' again! / Pat: [[Thinking]] Crap I got to go too bad can't even wait to put a towel down / <> / <> / Pat: [[Thinking]] whoo boy / [[In the next three panels, Pat is hopping back and forth in front of his toilet, which has a puddle of water around the base. His body looks electrified.]] / <> / {{alt text: What kind of asshole waits that long on the phone to say something like that about barbers}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09222003
Achewood - September 22, 2003 [[Pat is on the phone with a radio show.]] / Pat: Hello I was wondering as to the price of a big old vagina? / [[Pat is running through his house.]] / Pat: [[Thinking]] Never do they answer my questions with anything relevent / [[In bathroom]] / Pat: Oh yeah, can't wait to piss onto this toaster / Pat: [[Thinking]] yummmmmmm-yyyyy / <> / <> / Pat: [[Thinking]] whoo boy / [[In the next three panels, Pat is hopping back and forth in front of his toilet, which has a puddle of water around the base. His body looks electrified.]] / <> / {{alt text: What kind of asshole waits that long on the phone to say something like that about barbers}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09222003
Achewood - September 22, 2005 [[Ray is walking along a sidewalk in a dark and dreary part of town. A model T is parked on the side of the road.]] / [[Ray is in front of a door]] / <> / [[The door opens]] / <> / [[An old style camera is being used by a man under a cloak. He takes a shot.]] / <> / [[Ray is startled, his left arm across his chest being held by his right hand.]] / [[Ray is lying on his back on the walkway]] / [[A bird sings his song.]] / Narrator: THE NEXT MORNING. / [[A view of a baseball cap]] / Ray: ...damn man what in the hell what in the... / Ray: ...daaaaamn... / [[Ray is lying in bed, blanket partly over him, a black object on his belly. He is rubbing his eye.]] / [[Ray sits up a little to notice the black object.]] / [[Ray is holding the black object, looking at it]] / [[The black object is shown. It is the photo of Ray from the night previous surrounded by text.]] / Photo: I Proved Myself A Coward Who Would Desert A Dying Man / {{Title text: This whole thing is based on the time a dying man needed me and I deserted him. :( }}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09222005
Scooby and Scrappy [[A Best Western sign reads: Welcome The Brothers in the Syndicate Summit 2004 Gold Lounge]] / [[Ray and Bensington Butters are standing in a hallway. Ray is dressed like Mickey Mouse]] / Bensington: Fly theme this year, Smuckles. Who you supposed to be? / RAY: I...I'm Mickey Mouse, man! / Bensington: Oh yeah! "Mick." Love that dude. LOVE that dude. / <> / RAY(thinking): Man, Bensington Butters doesn't know who Mickey Mouse is! What in the hell?! / [[Ray is listening to Bensington talk on his cellphone.]] / Bensington: Hi mom! It's Ben. I just wanted to make sure you put out fresh water for Scooby and Scrappy after dinner. Okay, thanks mom. / [[Close up on Ray's shocked face]] / {{Title: Bensington's theme for that year is Gordon Gekko. AKKOLADE's theme is that he is at the spinach dip and not pictured.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09222006
Scooby and Scrappy [[A Best Western sign reads: Welcome The Brothers in the Syndicate Summit 2004 Gold Lounge]] / [[Ray and Bensington Butters are standing in a hallway. Ray is dressed like Mickey Mouse]] / Bensington: Fly theme this year, Smuckles. Who you supposed to be? / RAY: I...I'm Mickey Mouse, man! / Bensington: Oh yeah! "Mick." Love that dude. LOVE that dude. / <> / RAY(thinking): Man, Bensington Butters doesn't know who Mickey Mouse is! What in the hell?! / [[Ray is listening to Bensington talk on his cellphone.]] / Bensington: Hi mom! It's Ben. I just wanted to make sure you put out fresh water for Scooby and Scrappy after dinner. Okay, thanks mom. / [[Close up on Ray's shocked face]] / {{Title: Bensington's theme for that year is Gordon Gekko. AKKOLADE's theme is that he is at the spinach dip and not pictured.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09222006
Scooby and Scrappy [[A Best Western sign reads: Welcome The Brothers in the Syndicate Summit 2004 Gold Lounge]] / [[Ray and Bensington Butters are standing in a hallway. Ray is dressed like Mickey Mouse]] / Bensington: Fly theme this year, Smuckles. Who you supposed to be? / RAY: I...I'm Mickey Mouse, man! / Bensington: Oh yeah! "Mick." Love that dude. LOVE that dude. / <> / RAY(thinking): Man, Bensington Butters doesn't know who Mickey Mouse is! What in the hell?! / [[Ray is listening to Bensington talk on his cellphone.]] / Bensington: Hi mom! It's Ben. I just wanted to make sure you put out fresh water for Scooby and Scrappy after dinner. Okay, thanks mom. / [[Close up on Ray's shocked face]] / {{Title: Bensington's theme for that year is Gordon Gekko. AKKOLADE's theme is that he is at the spinach dip and not pictured.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09222006
Scooby and Scrappy [[A Best Western sign reads: Welcome The Brothers in the Syndicate Summit 2004 Gold Lounge]] / [[Ray and Bensington Butters are standing in a hallway. Ray is dressed like Mickey Mouse]] / Bensington: Fly theme this year, Smuckles. Who you supposed to be? / RAY: I...I'm Mickey Mouse, man! / Bensington: Oh yeah! "Mick." Love that dude. LOVE that dude. / <> / RAY(thinking): Man, Bensington Butters doesn't know who Mickey Mouse is! What in the hell?! / [[Ray is listening to Bensington talk on his cellphone.]] / Bensington: Hi mom! It's Ben. I just wanted to make sure you put out fresh water for Scooby and Scrappy after dinner. Okay, thanks mom. / [[Close up on Ray's shocked face]] / {{Title: Bensington's theme for that year is Gordon Gekko. AKKOLADE's theme is that he is at the spinach dip and not pictured.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09222006
 
Code Levels of Dating Beef [[Roast Beef is in a hospital bed, recovering from being shot; Ray, carrying a martini and wearing his trademark shades, thong, and medallion, is visiting him.]] / Ray: Well, Roast Beef! I guess now that you got the Internet in your brain it will be real easy to take out a Personals ad! / Beef: Oh really no Ray I couldn't imagine / Ray: Hey man! They' some freaky chicks on that Internet! Just start composin' and let's see how it goes! / Beef: Sheesh uh okay / [[Beef conjures up a matchmaker4U.com message page.]] / Beef: Uh...uh...yes hello ladies My name is Roast Beef I am interested in new ideas / Ray: Good, good! Let 'em know you a kinky dogg! / Beef: I would ideally like to meet a lady with a strong Java/C++ background but maybe PHP is your thing ! / Ray: You ain't gonna get no ladies with all that high-end mumbo-jumbo! Take it down a few! / Beef: Uh if you only know HTML that's alright too Maybe there is still somethin' we could talk about / Beef: like how you let your family down / {{Alt-Text: so uh do you use dreamweaver to do what a baby piglet could do }}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09232002
Achewood - September 23, 2003 Pat's phone: <> / Pat's answering machine: <> / Pat's answering machine: You have reached the home of Pat Reynolds. I AM screening your call. Please state your reason for calling and then remain on the line while I evaluate your statement. / Pat's answering machine: If I do not pick up, either I do not consider your call meritorious or I am away from the phone. / Pat's answering machine: <> / Library computer: Hello / Pat, Reynolds / This is an automated call from the Achewood public library system. Our records indicate that the following titles are now overdue: / Library computer: Yoga for Vegans / "Hello!" A Brochure on the Beliefs of the Skyclad Jains / Do Snails Have Assholes? ...and Other New Age Comedy Koans / <> / {{Pat has also explored the marginalized and nearly extinct culture of the Zoroastrians}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09232003
Achewood § September 23, 2009 [[The background is again taken up with Cornelius' ridiculous graphics as he types away in the foreground, with more ridiculous fonts and a picture of a man dancing. The page reads as follows:]] / I hack at-cha, bottle-brazened Lef' Mo-Higgins! Here's how "2" get YA ROXX off wit-cha pant'z ONNNN!NNN AT THE... STRIP. CLUBBBUBUBBB! -->STRIP-->CLUB-->SERIES http://hell yes / Cornelius: (Thinking) The manic font-changes serve as ocular holds on a climbing wall for the attention-deficient... The pictures mitigate the perceived chore of decoding language... / <> / [[Teodor enters]] / Teodor: Whoah. Haven't you ever seen a Dummies book before? / Cornelius: They are typically yellow and near the dried meats, yes? / Teodor: Yeah, but they're not for that stupid of a guy. That's, like, guys-who-know-what-brand-of-tires-they-have trashy. / Cornelius: We are talking about a book which attempts to codify the nightclub behavior of men who refer to the woman's child-bearing mechanism as the "squish mitten". I shall finish in peace, then? / Subtitle: Then. / [[More absurd graphics occupy the background. They read as follows]] / AVOID THE BLACKLIGHT. blacklight gonna show the dancer yo' dandruff, protein jeans, nasty teeth, and ill cuticles! HOMEBOY don't SIT UNDER THE BLACKLIGHT if you GOT CONDITIONS. / Cornelius: (Thinking) Never how a fool half a job.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09232009
Achewood - September 24, 2003 [[Roast Beef enters through a door]] / Roast Beef: Hello / Roast Beef: Uh hello Pat are you home / [[Roast Beef raises his eyebrows, looking pained]] / Roast Beef (thinks): Pee-yew man what is that stench / Roast Beef (thinks): Smells like someone sauteéd a raccoon / [[Roast Beef is shown to be holding a video]] / Roast Beef: Pat are you here it's Roast Beef / Roast Beef: I'm returnin' that Noam Chomsky video you made me rent from you / Roast Beef: I only watched like six minutes of it so I guess I should get like at least a partial refund / [[Roast Beef tries to open the toilet door]] / Roast Beef (thinks): Well if he isn't here he can't charge me to use the toilet / Roast Beef (thinks): Oh my god what the hell he even locks it when he's not home ! / [[Beef sniffs at the bottom of the toilet door]] / Roast Beef (thinks): Hold on I think that smell is coming from in there / Roast Beef (thinks): Oh dang it is / [[Text displayed in some sort of rotated square]] / Text: ASIDE: Pat's electrocution awakened a long-dormant spell embedded in the Native American turquoise amulet he carried in his pocket. / While unconscious on the bathroom floor, he underwent a remarkable transformation: he became Nice. / Join us now as we observe a wholly new Pat, a Pat who will talk to children, a Pat who doesn't honk at pregnant women who remain in the crosswalk after the light has changed. / [[Pat is holding a rabbit and smiling.]] / Pat: Do you like clover, Mr. Bunny? I like to FEED you clover! / {{Alt text: Achewood's second anniversary is Oct 1}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09242003
Achewood - September 24, 2007 Todd: Hey R-R-Roast Beef! Help me write a skit for my late night TV show I'm thinkin' of makin'! / Roast Beef: Alright well the first thing you do is juxtapose two unrelated concepts / Todd: L-L-Like puddin' and Jell-O? / Roast Beef: No uh not at all um more like Emeril committing a crime / Roast Beef: It's surprising because he is so nice! / Todd: I get it! I get it! / SOON. / Roast Beef: Alright Todd on Ray's signal go ahead and start the bit / Ray: three... two... / [[Todd is wearing an Emeril costume, with a baby on a countertop in front of him]] / Todd: Awww yeah, people! Let's drown this baby up a notch! / {{title text: Ray just likes to do that. There is no production equipment.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09242007
 
Achewood - September 25, 2002 Philippe: Lyle! Are you going into your room to smoke heated-up marijuana? / Lyle: Huh? What? / Philippe: That's illegal! / Lyle: So don't tell anybody! Problem solved! / Philippe: I don't need to! Everyone in the house can smell when you do it even though you have that dumb invention that you think works! / Lyle: Huh? What invention? / Philippe: That little tube you try to hide the smoke in! I saw you do it once! / Lyle: You mean my bong? / Philippe: What if C.O.P.S. came and everyone was yelling at you? You'd feel bad then! / Lyle: They'd say, "Lyle! You saved the show! Your friends are all so boring, we were nearly canceled!" / Philippe: I am not boring! I learned how to cook tacos today! / Lyle: "It's just tacos, guys! Hold your fire!"
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09252002
Hollandaise the Bunny [[Pat is holding a rabbit and is smiling]] / Roast Beef: So uh what's up with this rabbit of yours Pat / Pat Reynolds: This is Hollandaise! He was the first thing I saw after I woke up from the electrocution! / Roast Beef: Dang man whenever you used to see a bunny in your garden you would cold draw your .22 / Roast Beef: Little tiny brains all over the radicchio / Roast Beef: Little rabbit ambulance takin' the body away / [[picture of a rabbit ambulance]] / Roast Beef: All Fuzzy little tail on the ambulance / Roast Beef: Ambulance all employing the principles of hopping instead of rolling / <> / {{alt-text: Rabbits are cute, simple creatures with a social services infrastructure just like anybody else}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09252003
Ray calls O'Malley, Private Eye [[Ray sits at his computer, on the phone with O'Malley. He looks serious. A martini sits on the desk]] / Ray: Alright, O'Malley. What else did you dig up on Bensington Butters. / [[Ray picks up his martini]] / O'Malley: I did some sniffin' down at county records. Bensington Butters is actually Jimmie "Darnell" Hockawock, from Flokes County, Florida. / [[Ray balances the martini on top of his monitor]] / Ray: Ouch. You do that hotel room-service impostor thing we agreed about? Upgrade package B? / [[The martini wobbles a little]] / O'Malley: Yeah. When he thinks you're not payin' attention, he pushes aside the proper silverware and pulls out a plastic spork he's got hidden in his tie. / Ray: Uh huh. Uh huh. Keep talkin'. / [[The martini falls from the monitor, as Ray futilely grabs for it]] / O'Malley: I went back for his dishes an hour later, and he'd scraped all the caviar off his blini. Guy paid fifty-four bucks for some potato pancakes. / O'Malley: There were also ketchup smears on the plate that had his filet mignon. / [[Ray gets up and moves his monitor aside]] / Ray: How'd he order his steak? / O'Malley: Well done. / [[Ray mops up the martini spill with a rag]] / Ray: You bring the ketchup? / [[Ray moves his monitor back into place]] / O'Malley: Nope. He travels with it. Hunt's, not even Heinz. Saw the bottle on the TV tray he'd made outta the foldin' luggage stand and 3-ring amenities guide. / Ray: Nice work, O'Malley. You keep your mouth shut about this and maybe the new hip fairy gonna visit your moms next year. / O'Malley: You're a good man, Smuckles. / {{alt text: O'Malley eats hard-boiled eggs the way some men chew gum, and has diverticulitis.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09252006
Achewood - September 25, 2007 Roast Beef: Uh I know how you like to play media mogul Ray but I don't think we can run with this Todd Show thing / Ray: You a crazy person, Beef. Go to a dungeon. / Roast Beef: I just typed up his list of ideas from our brainstorming session and it looks pretty bad / Ray: Ideas? Awesome. Comedy is nine-tenths ideas. Hand 'em over. / <> / [[The list of ideas reads as follows:]] / 1. "Stupid Clam!" Todd does coke and hits clams with hammers. Music: metal. / 2. Todd does coke and then uses karate chops to break CDs (he also yells at anybody he wants) / 3. Todd gets high on coke and wrestles a lobster in a freezer. As the lobster freezes, Todd slowly wins / 4. A sex scene involving Todd and whatever Todd wants / Ray: That's any late night skit show. Just air the parts that ain't about cocaine and selfish sex. Old industry secret. / Roast Beef: If we let Todd just do what he wants like this he'll burn out and die from problems dude! / Ray: ...we'll start the ghostwriter on the tell-all now, and get bidding going on the other 50% of the footage for when he croaks. Any good executive can spot a cokehead. A great one can make him a Belushi. / {title text: The other tenth is hats which are disproportionate to the wearer}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09252007
a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09252008">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09252008 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
 
Achewood - September 26, 2002 {{Ray forgets Tina's birthday.}} / [[Lyle drinks at Ray's home bar. He sits and listens as Ray stands behind the bar and expounds]] / Ray: Damn, Lyle! I forgot Tina's birthday again! / <> / Lyle: Hold on - I thought her birthday was like in the spring? / Ray: Oh, it is. But I got all drunk once and promised her that she had another one on September 26th, "as far as I was concerned." / Lyle: Lord, what else've you promised that woman? / Ray: Sheesh... lessee... There was that 85-story Bloomingdale's in my backyard... THAT never got built... The year before that I said Martha Stewart would come over and sing and cook us dinner... I even got GROCERIES for that one... jeeez... / [[Flashback 9.26.2000: Tina nd Ray sit at a table set with monkfish. Ray has a pompadour, is drunk and swings a martini.]] / Tina: So since when do you know how to cook "Monkfish", Ray? / Ray: Baby, Martha Stewart is comin' over to cook us this ugly-ass fish! / [[Flashback: Ray is dressed as a strawberry. He sits in a tub of cream.]] / Ray: And this one time I even dressed up like a damn strawberry and sat in a big tub of cream! ...wait, that wasn't her birthday. I was all alone that night. / {{Alt text: We watched the Beatles grow up and get bent right in our own neighbourhoods! And we paid handsomely!}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09262002
Achewood - September 26, 2003 [[Ray is at his window. Pat walks by wearing a cape and holding a cane. A rabbit hops about at Pat's feet.]] / Ray: PAT! / Ray: Don't wear a cape! / Pat: Ray! I'm on a mission! It's part of my outfit! / Ray: What's your mission? To look like some guy whose license place says RENFAIR? / Pat: To spread Niceness throughout the world! / Ray: What the fuck are you talkin' about? You're the biggest asshole I know! / Pat: Not anymore! Not since I got electrocuted! I'm a changed man! / Ray: So now you're in The Byrds? / Pat: No, but I endorse their message of love and respect! / [[Ray ponders this development.]] / Ray: (thinking) Highly melodic folk rock is long overdue for a comeback. Maybe I ought get him into the studio. / [[Pat stands before a mic in a recording studio. Ray watches from the control room.]] / Narrator: SOON / Pat: (singing) And as I walked across this land of dirt and pain and dust / Pat: (singing) I saw our people ground beneath The wheels of greed and lust / Ray: (thinking) Dang. HELLA emotional. This is a million-seller / {{title text: Achewood's 2nd anniversary is October 1}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09262003
Achewood - September 26, 2005 [[Roast Beef sits in the driver's seat of a car. Music is playing, and Roast Beef is reaching for the stereo]] / Music: don't ya steal mah' hat / Roast Beef: agh! / [[Roast Beef presses EJECT on the car stereo]] / [[Molly is sitting in the car as well]] / Molly: Hey, why'd you turn that off? I like Lyle Lovett! / [[Roast Beef sits with both hands on the steering wheel]] / Roast Beef: Man I would totally go to the bathroom on that guy / [[Molly with left arm outstretched towards Roast Beef]] / Molly: Don't talk that way. That's just stupid. / [[Roast Beef looks at Molly, hands still on the steering wheel]] / Roast Beef: I don't mean I would actually do it but I am tr / ying to make sure you know how I regard him. / [[A hand picks a CD from a stack. The album is by Kraftwerk, the title of which is "Klikken-Melodie"]] / Molly: Whatever. Here, here's Kraftwerk. Would you go to the bathroom on them? / [[Roast Beef looks straight ahead over steering wheel]] / Roast Beef: No they already have people. / [[Molly looks sternly at Roast Beef, who looks at her furtively]] / {{alt text: Hey, be careful! Don't get any on the robots! Jesus! Do you know what I paid for those?! (briefly loses cool and breaks with thick German accent)}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09262005
Achewood - September 26, 2006 [[Ray is on the phone]] / Ray: Yeah, O'Malley. Photos just showed up. I'm takin' a look at them right now. / [[Ray holds a handful of photos at arms length and looks shocked]] / Ray: Hold on, dammit! Dude, Bensington looks slick in these, a straight up pinstripe player! Ain't no sporks or Fed-Ex'd Shoney's! / Ray: Oh, you know what it is? Scrape the "Made in China" sticker off your camera. What's it say underneath? / [[Ray waits for a response]] / Ray: "Hencho en Mexico." I knew it. The market is flooding with Magical mexican realism products these days. / [[break in dialogue to imply that O'Malley has responded]] / Ray: Yeah, thing shoots Bensington the way he thinks of himself, not the way he really is. / Ray: 'Round about a year back, I bought a cell phone off a loco street player -- had to make a quick call. Call went fine, but then weird stuff started happenin' / [[Ray makes an expansive gesture with his martini]] / Ray: Well, the main thing was that i got this recurrin' voice mail, a breathy Latina's voice sayin' "We must meet, for i am your true love." Finally she left an address, some apartment way over in Brunina De Nada, this isolated farm community that is like fifty miles past nowhere / [[Mid-air shot of a single crossroads. one can vaguely see a few shapes at the intersection]] / Ray: I get to drivin' over there, and in the middle of this huge flat field, there's an intersection with a stoplight. The light's red, and in the car in front of me the driver is checkin' his teeth in the rear-view mirror. / [[Ray, looking dejected, in the driver's seat of his Escalade]] / <> / Ray: For half an hour, an hour, then two, the light doesn't change, and this dude is calmly examinin' his teeth the entire time. Then i get it. I scrape the sticker off the phone: "Hencho en Mexico." I turn around and drive home. / {{Something about it. Ray knows. He will not find love that day, not behind that man.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09262006
Achewood - September 26, 2006 [[Ray is on the phone]] / Ray: Yeah, O'Malley. Photos just showed up. I'm takin' a look at them right now. / [[Ray holds a handful of photos at arms length and looks shocked]] / Ray: Hold on, dammit! Dude, Bensington looks slick in these, a straight up pinstripe player! Ain't no sporks or Fed-Ex'd Shoney's! / Ray: Oh, you know what it is? Scrape the "Made in China" sticker off your camera. What's it say underneath? / [[Ray waits for a response]] / Ray: "Hecho en Mexico." I knew it. The market is flooding with Magical mexican realism products these days. / [[break in dialogue to imply that O'Malley has responded]] / Ray: Yeah, thing shoots Bensington the way he thinks of himself, not the way he really is. / Ray: 'Round about a year back, I bought a cell phone off a loco street player -- had to make a quick call. Call went fine, but then weird stuff started happenin' / [[Ray makes an expansive gesture with his martini]] / Ray: Well, the main thing was that i got this recurrin' voice mail, a breathy Latina's voice sayin' "We must meet, for i am your true love." Finally she left an address, some apartment way over in Brunina De Nada, this isolated farm community that is like fifty miles past nowhere / [[Mid-air shot of a single crossroads. one can vaguely see a few shapes at the intersection]] / Ray: I get to drivin' over there, and in the middle of this huge flat field, there's an intersection with a stoplight. The light's red, and in the car in front of me the driver is checkin' his teeth in the rear-view mirror. / [[Ray, looking dejected, in the driver's seat of his Escalade]] / <> / Ray: For half an hour, an hour, then two, the light doesn't change, and this dude is calmly examinin' his teeth the entire time. Then i get it. I scrape the sticker off the phone: "Hencho en Mexico." I turn around and drive home. / {{Something about it. Ray knows. He will not find love that day, not behind that man.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09262006
Achewood - September 26, 2006 [[Ray is on the phone]] / Ray: Yeah, O'Malley. Photos just showed up. I'm takin' a look at them right now. / [[Ray holds a handful of photos at arms length and looks annnoyed]] / Ray: Hold on, dammit! Dude, Bensington looks slick in these, a straight up pinstripe player! Ain't no sporks or Fed-Ex'd Shoney's! / Ray: Oh, you know what it is? Scrape the "Made in China" sticker off your camera. What's it say underneath? / [[Ray waits for a response]] / Ray: "Hencho en Mexico." I knew it. The market is flooding with Magical mexican realism products these days. / [[break in dialogue to imply that O'Malley has responded]] / Ray: Yeah, thing shoots Bensington the way he thinks of himself, not the way he really is. / Ray: 'Round about a year back, I bought a cell phone off a loco street player -- had to make a quick call. Call went fine, but then weird stuff started happenin' / [[Ray makes an expansive gesture with his martini]] / Ray: Well, the main thing was that i got this recurrin' voice mail, a breathy Latina's voice sayin' "We must meet, for i am your true love." Finally she left an address, some apartment way over in Brunina De Nada, this isolated farm community that is like fifty miles past nowhere / [[Mid-air shot of a single crossroads. one can vaguely see a few shapes at the intersection]] / Ray: I get to drivin' over there, and in the middle of this huge flat field, there's an intersection with a stoplight. The light's red, and in the car in front of me the driver is checkin' his teeth in the rear-view mirror. / [[Ray, looking dejected, in the driver's seat of his Escalade]] / <> / Ray: For half an hour, an hour, then two, the light doesn't change, and this dude is calmly examinin' his teeth the entire time. Then i get it. I scrape the sticker off the phone: "Hencho en Mexico." I turn around and drive home. / {{Something about it. Ray knows. He will not find love that day, not behind that man.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09262006
Achewood - September 26, 2007 Todd: S-S-So we're gonna have a piece called Waterslide Magic where I come down a waterslide and all these chicks just bust out all kinds of handjobs on me! / Ray: Uh huh. Excellent. This is really clicking. Keep going. / Todd: An-an-an I gotta have this car too! This car's the best! This is the BEST car! GOTTA be in the contract! / Ray: A 1983 Mercedes? You got it, my friend. Anything else? / Todd: I mean, lookit this car! It's the frikkin' BEST! You know how frikkin' NICE this car is, ya jerk-wad?! / Ray: That car is fantastic. I'm not kidding. / Todd: IT'S LIKE, WHY DO THEY EVEN FRIKKIN' MAKE OTHER CARS?! IDIOTS! FRIKKIN IDIOTS! DON'T MAKE CARS EXCEPT THIS ONE! / Ray: Here's five hundred dollars. Don't spend it all in one place, unless that place is your nose. / {{title text: This was one of the number-one considered great cars by people high on cocaine}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09262007
 
Achewood - September 27, 2002 [[Inside, Ray is coming out of a doorway with one paw (hand?) in his mouth and cursing]] / Ray: Shit! Ow! Dammit! / Beef: What in heck Ray Why are you bleedin' / <> / Ray: I cut myself! / Beef: With what All that's in your room is that sour cream tub and these two dirty socks / Ray: It was the damn sour cream lid, alright? It slipped! / Beef: Heck man Who is always tellin' me he's got a IQ of 183 / Ray: It's true, Beef! Guys like Bach used to do stuff like this!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09272002
Achewood - September 27, 2004 [[Roast Beef about to drink a glass of Guinness]] / <> / [[Roast Beef on the phone]] / Roast Beef: Oh hey Todd what it is Sure you can ask me a question / Roast Beef: Heh actually I do know the answer / Roast Beef: The average stinker is only one teaspoon in volume I read it in Harper's Index / [[Close up on Guinness]] / Roast Beef: Yeah I know I would have thought more like 3/4 cup at least / [[Roast Beef on phone]] / Roast Beef: Hang on what is with all that clanking Oh my god you're at the police station? / [[Roast Beef looks out the window]] / Roast Beef: Dogg this is not how you're supposed to use your one phone call / {{This is why we don't see more of Todd.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09272004
Roast Beef's Science Show on Cable TV [[Roast Beef on the phone.]] / Beef: Uh yes hello / [[Ray in darkness, next to a table holding a lit flashlight and a printer.]] / Ray: Alright man, I'm just goin' nuts over here. / How in the hell does a laser printer work? / [[Beef.]] / Beef: A laser is used to create a negatively charged area on a positively charged drum so that positively charged toner will stick only in the negatively charged area / [[Ray.]] / [[Beef.]] / Beef: The toner is then transferred onto a sheet of paper which has been given a stronger negative charge than the area that's holding the toner / [[Ray.]] / Ray: Come on, man. We known each other since old times. / [[Beef.]] / Beef: Okay well uh you know how a sock sticks to you because of static cling / That is how the ink gets on the paper / Ray (through phone): There you go, man! There! Straight-up saying science for the man on the go! / Ray (through phone): We ought to get you a cable show, dude. / Beef: Probably not / [[Ray.]] / Ray: You got a gift, man! You can make any dude at all understand science! / You know how RARE that is?! / [[Beef.]] / Beef: I'm guessing it gets less rare the closer you get to a school / [[Caption: "SOON." Ray has put on a black shirt and is on the phone again. He is also holding a martini.]] / Ray: Alright, I had a little Gallup poll run. / Your stage name is Jaime the Science Friend. Can you still do that accent of the Taco Bell dog? / {{alt-text: Eet Ees...Scieyencia!}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09272005
Achewood § September 27, 2008 Ray: HURRY, man! What's Google say the "commodore sex act" is?! TELL ME. USE IMAGE SEARCH. NOW. / Teodor: This...wow. Google only has one result--clicking--It's a Wikipedia entry! / In Teodor's web browser: / Guild of Purpose-Driven Commodores / From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia / (Redirected from _Commodore Sex Act_) / Summary / Guild of Purpose-Driven Commodores was a _poorly-produced Japanese action cartoon series_ which featured an alliance of "commodores" (essentially, vaguely militaristic superheroes), each of whom was named after their particular talent. / Characters / The series featured the following four main commodores: / COMMODORE JUSTICE / COMMODORE NIGHT VISION / COMMODORE SEX ACT / COMMODORE EAGLE VISION / Public Furor / The series was cancelled after episode three, when it became clear that the studio was just panning the camera across the same two drawings, none of which featured Commodore Sex Act. / Also, it is clear that Commodore Night Vision and Commodore Eagle Vision are the same drawing; an _eagle_'s cry is played to indicate when Commodore Eagle Vision is speaking. / Ray: TEODOR! WHAT IS THE DEAL? / Teodor: Oh, sorry. You know how it is with Wikipedia. / Ray: No, I DON'T know how it is with Wikipedia! Why ain't you fuckin' TELL me how it is with Wikipedia, Teodor? 'Cause THAT's neat! / Teodor: Look, just let her start giving you a commodore. Make natural grunts and stuff if you like it, and I'll cut it off if you don't. / Tina: ...Prince Halat? I got a washcloth real nice and warm, in case you like a lil' old bitta' bitta' on your funky somethin'. / Teodor (through Empire Voice Donut, through telephone): It... was a very long flight, Miss Tina. Please attend to my funky something with the gentlest of ministrations. / Tina: Ooh! You got a thumpin' heinie, Prince! Daaamn! Down, boy! / Teodor (through Empire Voice Donut, through telephone): I...I thank you, my passerine chanteuse. / [[SOON...]] / Ray (thought bubble): Oh HELL yes! Man, I can't imagine askin' a chick I actually knew to do this... this ROCKS! This is the PERFECT thing to do to a guy in a hotel! No WONDER there's so many hotels! <>
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09272008
Achewood - September 28, 2004 Arthur: Welcome to Support Group, everyone! I'm Aaaarthur, sitting in for Mr. Gary, who is visiting his dead sister! / Pat: Hello, Arthur. / Nice Pete: Hello Arthur / Arthur: Well, now! I see we have a new member with us tonight! / Pat: This is Nice Pete. I am his sponsor. / Arthur: Welcome, Nice Pete! Now, just to get a sense of where you're coming from, I'm going to show you some photos! Just tell me what they make you think of. / Arthur: Here's a picture of the Oscars! Oh, how fun! / Nice Pete: I see a bunch of alive people with eggs and testicles / [[Arthur looks down]] / {{Arthur's pictures are probably all of Oscar night.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09282004
 
Achewood - September 28, 2005 [[Ray is wearing a black turtleneck and big, ear-enclosing headphones, reading a script.]] / Ray: Alright, Beef. Your catchphrase is, ¡Sciencia -- Que Bueno! / [[Ray counts down on his fingers:]] / Ray: Now let's do a dry run off the teleprompter. Jaime the Science Friend, take one! Three... two... / [[Roast Beef is standing in front of a table with a piggy bank and an Erlenmeyer flask, wearing a fake Mexican moustache.]] / Roast Beef: Hola mis Sciencios ! / [[Roast Beef shrugs.]] / Roast Beef: Say, ju prolly wonner why ketchup can clean off a penny ! Jaime wonner this too ! / [[Roast Beef acts surprised or excited, with big ol' long eyes.]] / Roast Beef: Maybe ju an' me are amigos ! / [[Roast Beef is let down, eyes normally sized.]] / Roast Beef: Dang man ain't this gonna be insulting to Latinos / Ray: How is it insulting to know facts. Think about what you're saying, then pick up where you left off. Three... two... / Roast Beef: I mean it basically implies that Latinos make friends for dumb reasons / Ray: I don't have time to debate what makes a friendship meaningful. Get into this. Three... two... / Roast Beef: So one day I get this penny and it was muy brown ! I got no time for a ugly penny ! I was like, this is craaazy ! / Roast Beef: Seriously man I'm worried that instead of teaching science I am just gonna get my ass beat down / Ray: ...aaand we'll cut that last bit in post. Lunch!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09282005
Bensington cheaps on the copter to Cabo [[Ray is sitting in his tub, which is filled with either dirty water, dark alcohol, or possibly tomato juice. He is still wearing his medallion and shades, and a martini sits on the edge of the tub.]] / <> / Ray (thinking): Aw, damn! Who calls a player in the tub? / [[Ray has a towel on and is answering the phone.]] / Unknown voice (through phone): Yo, Smuckles! You even smell bad on the phone! / Ray: Butters! You lookin' for your moms? 'Cause I just kicked the bitch out. I thought you said both her eyes worked! / [[Bensington Butters is wearing aviator glasses. He is holding a phone to one ear with his right hand, and reaching for an enormous bottle of Hunt's ketchup with his left.]] / Butters: Belieeeeeve. Say, you meetin' up with the brothers in the syndicate down in Cabo this weekend, right? / [[Back to Ray.]] / Ray (thinking): I completely forgot about that. / Ray: Yeah, yeah, I'ma be there. For reals, cognac-large. / [[Butters near his computer, the screen of which shows a discount helicopter ticket website.]] / Butters: Check this, Smuckles--I chartered a luxury chopper, an' I got an extra seat. All yours, straight dutch. / [[Ray.]] / Ray: Ain't you usually fly with Akkolade? / Butters (through phone): Brother has to get some shots before he can meet his fiancee's family. He's flyin' in later. / Ray: Dude's marryin' his maid again? What's that, number eleven? / Butters (through phone): Heh. The brother is ravenous for love. / [[Ray is packing socks into a suitcase.]] / Butters (through phone): Seriously man--just between you and me, I really respect that. / Ray: Yeah, yeah. Great. When we leavin'? / [[Ray, carrying golf clubs, and Butters, carrying two small bags, are walking toward a chopper that looks surprisingly like Strong Bad. A caption in the upper left reads "SOON, AT THE LOCAL AIRSTRIP"]] / Ray: Man, I though you said our chopper was deluxe! This thing looks like a chicken jumped into R2-D2's teleport beam! / Butters: Heh! Must have been some mix-up...a player can roll with it. Let's load in just in case another bird doesn't show up. / {{alt-text: Commence Internet whining about how teleporters "really" work.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09282006
Achewood - September 28, 2007 [[Coked out of his mind, Todd shows off his photos of a 1983 Mercedes-Benz to Téodor.]] / Todd: Lookit THIS, Téodor! Mercedes-Benz! WHITE frikkin' Mercedes-Benz! EAT IT UP, PAL! WALLOW IN IT! / [[Todd sniffs a couple of times as Téodor speaks.]] / Téodor: I guess Johnny Carson had to drive something. So what? / <> / Todd: Don't you get it, you moron?! Jeezus CHRIST! This is MY car! I got this car! Things is lookin' up for the old Todd-man! / Téodor: You don't have that car. You have a picture of that car. How... how long have you been awake for? You should drink liquids. / [[Todd snaps and completely loses it. He flings the photos out of his hands.]] / Todd: YOU DOUBT ME? YOU FRIKKIN' DOUBT ME?! WELL I'LL SHOW YOU, YA PRICK! WHEN I GOT MY BIG TV SHOW AN' MY WHITE CAR I'LL BE THE FIRST ONE IN LINE 'TA COME AN' KICK YOUR GODDAMNED HEAD IN! PRICK! / [[Todd and Ray are in Ray's office. Ray is seated at his desk.]] / [[Caption: SOON.]] / Todd: They're startin' to laugh at me, Ray! I need this car! I need this f-f-frikkin' car bad, man! You got no idea! / Ray: Interesting. Okay, on a scale of one to ten, I need you to do a skit where you wear nylons... and drink from a chamber pot. / Todd: Ten! TEN! Let's GO! / {{Alt text: Ray will slo-mo this footage and set it to SRV's Life By The Drop}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09282007
Achewood - September 28, 2007 [[Visibly shaking, Todd shows off a photo of a white 1983 Mercedes-Benz.]] / Todd: Lookit THIS, Téodor! Mercedes-Benz! WHITE frikkin' Mercedes-Benz! EAT IT UP, PAL! WALLOW IN IT! / [[Todd sniffs a couple of times as Téodor speaks.]] / Téodor: I guess Johnny Carson had to drive something. So what? / <> / Todd: Don't you get it, you moron?! Jeezus CHRIST! This is MY car! I got this car! Things is lookin' up for the old Todd-man! / Téodor: You don't have that car. You have a picture of that car. How... how long have you been awake for? You should drink liquids. / [[Todd goes ballistic. He flings the photos out of his hands.]] / Todd: YOU DOUBT ME? YOU FRIKKIN' DOUBT ME?! WELL I'LL SHOW YOU, YA PRICK! WHEN I GOT MY BIG TV SHOW AN' MY WHITE CAR I'LL BE THE FIRST ONE IN LINE 'TA COME AN' KICK YOUR GODDAMNED HEAD IN! PRICK! / [[Todd and Ray are in Ray's office. Ray is seated at his desk.]] / [[Caption: SOON.]] / Todd: They're startin' to laugh at me, Ray! I need this car! I need this f-f-frikkin' car bad, man! You got no idea! / Ray: Interesting. Okay, on a scale of one to ten, I need you to do a skit where you wear nylons and...and drink from a chamber pot. / Todd: Ten! TEN! Let's GO! / {{Alt text: Ray will slo-mo this footage and set it to SRV's Life By The Drop}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09282007
Achewood § September 28, 2009 [[Cornelius Bear in a smoking jacket and bowtie, at computer with a wine glass to his left on the desk, looks left with a thoughtfull expression of concern and regret]] / Cornelius: Oh drat, I shouldn't have driven Teodor away. / [[Cornelius anxiously taps desk with his fingers, making a <> noise]] / Cornelius: I need the perspective of a greenhorn striptease patron, for the sidebars and case studies . . . Who to call, who to call . . . / [[Todd Squirrel (Todd Todd Todd Todd Todd T. Squirrel) enters from left, knocking Cornelius' wine glass off the desk with his energetic, arms-out greeting, as Cornelius regards him with eyebrows full of opportunism and exclamation]] / Todd: Hey you old p-p-piece 'a crap! You got any money or ham or nothin'? / Cornelius: Todd! Delightful to see you! I just may, if you have time to answer a few questions!" / {{THEN.}} / [[Cornelius types on computer, making a <> sound, as Todd, standing on the desk, points enthusiastically at Cornelius]] / Cornelius: Ok. So . . . Todd, have you spent much time in strip clubs? / Todd: N-n-no way! I'm just, like, real real against c-c-cover charges. Like, as a ph-ph-philosophy. / [[Closeup on Cornelius looking at Todd]] / Cornelius: Most clubs don't charge covers. Are you sure it's not an issue of discomfort with a fully nude female? / [[Closeup of Todd, shaking and still pointing at Cornelius]] / Todd: Hey, you's sayin' I'm a homo! I ain't no banana factory! Get a clue, jackass! / [[Cornelius types "NOT A BANANA FACTORY" as Todd returns to the open-armed gesture which knocked over Connie's wine glass]] / Cornelius: Actually, I meant more that men, when presented with their ultimate desire, may suffer performance anxiety. / Todd: Nahh, I can plug the meter on a dime. NEXT! / [[Closeup on Cornelius looking over toward Todd with a hand on his chin]] / Cornelius: Perhaps, then, we look at the "sensitive" side of Todd. Deep down, do you see the exchange as demeaning to the woman? / [[Closeup on Shaky Todd mirroring Cornelius' thoughtful hand on chin expression, but with his mouth agape]] / Todd: Huh! Sensitive Todd"! I could be like a high class m-male escort! Do me up a bizness card and I'll keep answerin' ya stupid questions for free! / [[Cornelius types and clicks at the computer as Todd looks on, enthralled, leaning in with hands on hips]] / Cornelius: Well, I am a bit of a dab hand with this new "QuarkXPress" computer program . . . it shall be the work of an instant. / {{SOON.}} / [[Todd gestures authoritatively with his fist as Cornelius continues to work]] / Todd: So! No broke chicks, no prudes, no church-face retards . . . ya gettin' all this, mac? / Cornelius: Mmm hmm. Mmm hmm. / {{SO.}} / [[Closeup of Todd's business card, which appears to be about the size of a sheet of copier paper, vertically oriented. It is very busy. A variety of fonts are used including some calligraphic handwriting type fonts. The text is not oriented in a neat fashion, and there is some random spacing within some words. And there are lots of little graphics: A telephone inside of a circle. A hand with pen inside of a circle with a line through it. A coupon with a dotted border with the little scissors to suggest you cut it out (25% off)]] / It reads: / Sensitive Todd / The area's MOST sensitive MAN. / Services: / Social Escort / Dining Companion / Bad day at work? I'm a listener! / Alt Text: / It is intentional that I have no idea how Banana Factory serves as a slur.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09282009
Achewood - September 29, 2003 [[Scene is inside a recording studio. Pat is playing guitar. Pat's rabbit and Ray look on.]] / Pat: And when I asked the people for a place to lay my head/They all shut their doors in fear/A park bench was my bed / Ray (thinking): Like a modern day Woody Guthrie, cold singing the Song of America. / [[Scene is Ray and Pat sitting on opposite sides of a table. Pat is holding his rabbit.]] / Ray: Alright, Pat, if we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it all the way. / Pat: How do you mean? / Ray: I mean STADIUM EVENT. Think Woodstock, baby. A festival of love and respect, long overdue in our land. Can you dig it? / Pat: Incredible! Who else can we get to play? / Ray: Oh, I'll get some of the other big bands from my label. Don't you worry. / SOON: / [[Close-up of a list of other bands possibly slated for the event. The paper reads as follows. / PRIME TIME RECORDS A-list recording artists: / The Sexual Homeboys (maybe call D'Shawn) / Dick + The Fags (Dick still in litigation w/ the Fags) / Several Thousand Dollars In Motion (hate these guys) / Naked Lady President (broke up) / Little Nephew (grounded)]] / {{Alt-text: The Sexual Homeboys have a car where the hydraulics actually spin the body in a circle above the stationary chassis}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09292003
 

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