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| Achewood - September 13, 2005 | [[Ray and Roast Beef are walking]] / Roast Beef: Dude so like listen uh I got plans tomorrow so can you use a free ticket to Cartilage Head / Ray: Damn. Cartilage Head, huh. I really wasn't ready for that this week. / Beef: I know but serious you can't get these tickets open-market
/ Ray: I know. / Ray: Jeez, man. Alright, yeah. Yeah, I'll take it. Shit, dude. / [[Ray arrives at a venue dressed in a snappy blazer and turtle neck. He is holding a rolled up playbill. Behind him a sign says that Cartilage Head is performing inside.]] / [[Ray takes his seat]] / {{title text: SOON}} [[Ray watches the stage]] / [[A man or creature shares an empty stage and a spotlight with an old Victrola. The man is enormously tall and lanky, dressed in a tuxedo. His limbs are fluid lines. His head looks like a bleached raisin compared to the rest of his frame. He is dancing expressively to light music emanating from the victrola]] / [[He continues his dance, taking a mournful posture]] / [[Close up on Cartilage Head, who leaks a substance that is either tears or mucus from his massive, dark eyesockets. He places one hand at near his jaw and one near his temple.]] / [[Ray is breathless in anticipation, jaw slackened.]] / [[Cartilage Head places one hand on his temple, and the other at his jaw.]] / [[Ray is uncertain what to expect.]] / [[Cartilage Head moves his hands towards one another, causing his fleshy skull to distort even more unnaturally than it already was.]] / [[Cartilage Head continues this motion, distending his skull even further, clearly causing himself great anguish]] / [[Ray brings his arms up in a defensive posture, horrified.]] / {{Alt Text: . }} http://achewood.com/?date=09132005 |
| Achewood - September 13, 2005 | Roast Beef: Dude so like listen uh I got plans tomorrow so can you use a ticket to Cartilage Head / Ray: Damn. Cartilage Head, huh. I really wasn't ready for that this week. / Roast Beef: I know but serious you can't get these tickets open-market
/ Ray: I know. / Ray: Jeez, man. Alright. Yeah. Yeah, I'll take it. Shit, dude. / [[Ray goes into auditorium]] / [[Ray finds his seat]] / [[Title: SOON. Ray sits]] / [[Onstage: Cartilage Head dances to a phonograph]] / [[Onstage: More dancing]] / [[Close up of Cartilage Head]] / [[Ray looks bemused]] / [[Cartilage Head places hands on opposite sides of head]] / [[Ray looks bemused]] / [[Cartilage Head pushes top of head to the left]] / [[Ray looks openly frightened]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09132005 |
| Cartilage Head | [[Scene: Ray and Roast Beef. Roast Beef is wearing a shirt and tie.]]
/ Roast Beef: Dude so like listen uh I got plans tomorrow so can you use a ticket to Cartilage Head / Ray: Damn. Cartilage Head, huh. I really wasn't ready for that this week. / Roast Beef: I know but serious you can't get these tickets open-market
/ Ray: I know. / Ray: Jeez, man. Alright. Yeah. Yeah, I'll take it. Shit, dude. / [[Ray is shown entering the theater, with ticket in hand. Ray is wearing a black blazer and turtleneck.]] / [[Ray finds his seat.]] / [[SOON.]]
/ [[Ray sits.]] / [[Onstage: Cartilage Head, in the middle of the spotlight, dances to a phonograph. His long limbs contort in a freaky fashion.]] / [[Onstage: More dancing.]] / [[Close up of Cartilage Head, who raises his hands to the sides of his head.]] / [[Ray looks disturbed.]] / [[Cartilage Head places hands on opposite sides of head]] / [[Ray looks disturbed.]] / [[Cartilage Head pushes top of head to the left]] / [[Cartilage Head pushes top of head more to the left, while pushing bottom of head to the right. His mouth opens in a freaky fashion.]] / [[Ray looks openly frightened]] / {{alt-text:.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09132005 |
| Achewood - September 13, 2006 | Ray: So how's it goin', Pat? You scorin' much dude-pussy these days?
/ Pat: What did I tell you, Ray! Off limits. / Ray: Hey, man. You got to get used to this. When guys hang, they talk about sex. You know that. / Pat: Well, what about you, then. Did you have a bunch of sex and hoot and holler and point one finger in the air? / Ray: Naw, man. I been hella klondike lately! Sheesh. Even in my fantasies I just go to the library and read about coins. Somethin's got to give, man. I got to go to a nudist colony or somethin', just like run at people and see what happens. See if it winds up as sex. That's basically the only option I got left. / Ray: I tried lookin' on-line, I called a matchmakin' service, I had a voodoo guy rub a Ken and Barbie together… nothin'. / Ray: If things don't turn around, I'm gonna get a sex change and a time machine and give myself the kind of science fiction romp that Donald Trump only dares to dream about! / {{Alt-text: Donald Trump...making love to...female-genitals Donald Trump. The power plant at the center of a perfect universe.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09132006 |
| Philippe's Inner Machinations, September 13, 2007 | Inside the mind of Philippe! / 1) I love my Mom!
/ -> 2
/ -> 3
/ [[dotted line]] -> 7
/ Hey There! -> 10 / 2) [[Philippe's Mom]]
/ My Mom. / 3) I can't find any deodorant!
/ -> 4
/ -> 5 / 4) 8:53PM: The deodorant wasn't for me. I was going to wipe it on Lyle's pants. I just got confused. / 5) [[happy Philippe]]
/ It's okay! I'm not smelly, I'm a kid!
/ -> 6 / 6) Whoops accidentally found some deodorant
/ Sorry everybody / 7) Do I love my Mom?
/ No -> 8
/ Yes! -> 9 / 8) [[Great white shark]]
/ Shaaark! / 9) Perfect. / 10) My Mom should always get presents because she is my Mom!
/ -> 11
/ -> 19 / 11) If she had a car she could get down to Joann Fabrics faster on sale days!
/ -> 12 / 12) I want my Mom to have a car!
/ -> 13 / 13) Oh crumbs I have no way of ever having any money ever.
/ -> 14 / 14)[[Contemplative Philippe]]
/ What can I sell? -> 15 / 15) The only thing I have to sell is my smiles!
/ Hmmm who needs some smiles -> 16 / 16) Roast Beef needs smiles!
/ -> 17 / 17) [[Phillippe and Roast Beef stare at each other]] / 17 cont') [[Philippe smiles and Beef looks alarmed]] / 17 cont') [[Philippe becomes upset and Beef looks glum]] / 17 cont') [[Beef disappears and Philippe looks crushed, runnng after him with arms out]]
/ Philippe: Nooo!
/ -> 18 / 18) There is no way I can ever ask him for money after my smiles made his life worse / 19) Oh crumbs I have no way of ever having any money ever.
/ I can get a pen and write a tattoo on my arm! -> 20 / 20) It could say, "I love my Mom, and that's the deal!" / [[Football]]
/ Football teams I can name: The 49ers / [[Philippe standing with one arm on an open toilet]]
/ Me and Hungry Gus / [[Spilled soda, jam box, travel coffee cup, sock, baseball, dog tag saying "I love my Mom! How Rad!"]
/ Philippe! Clean up this corner of your strip! / {{alt-text: Rumpled T-shirt you didn't see - HONK IF YOU LOVE YOUR MOM!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09132007 |
| Achewood - September 14, 2005 | [[Ray is crying, looking frightened]] / [[Cartilage Head takes a bow]] / [[Man walks by, hands Ray a note]] / [[Ray opens note: text–
/ To the Recipient in Seat Z-1:
/ Cartilage Head Respectfully Requests Your Company at Dinner this Evening.
/ Please Present this Coupon to the Usher with the Robin's Egg Gloves.]] / Ray (thinking): Oh god oh shit oh no! Fuck man why they got to do a thing?! / [[Ray casts a frightened look over his shoulder at the retreating usher]] / [[Title: SOON. Ray knocks on Cartilage Head's dressing room door.]] / [[Cartilage Head sits at a table, holding a wine glass]] / [[Cartilage Head gestures toward a seat opposite him]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09142005 |
| Achewood - September 14, 2005 | [[Ray is crying, looking frightened]] / [[Cartilage Head takes a bow]] / [[Man walks by, hands Ray a note]] / [[Ray opens note: text–
/ To the Recipient in Seat Z-1:
/ Cartilage Head Respectfully Requests Your Company at Dinner this Evening.
/ Please Present this Coupon to the Usher with the Robin's Egg Gloves.]] / Ray (thinking): Oh god oh shit oh no! Fuck man why they got to do a thing?! / [[Ray casts a frightened look over his shoulder at the retreating usher]] / [[Title: SOON. Ray knocks on Cartilage Head's dressing room door.]] / [[Cartilage Head sits at a table, holding a wine glass]] / [[Cartilage Head gestures toward a an empty plate in front of him]] / [[Cartilage Head gestures toward a seat opposite him]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09142005 |
| Achewood - September 14, 2006 | [[Title: The Case of the MYSTERY. A hard-boiled detective novel by Phillipe!]]
/ [[Phillipe runs towards typewriter on table]] / [[Phillipe types]]
/ [[Title: Rip Berryrock, the famous detective, stepped onto the plane. He'd have the crook in no time.]] / [[Title: Once in the air, the waitress brought him cold water. It was his signature drink. He craved the stuff.]] / [[Title: The waitress had never seen a guy crave water that way, so she brought him another. He winked as he craved the fresh glass.]]
/ Philipe: Wink!
/ [[Philippe winks with both eyes at once]] / [[Title: Rip got a phone call. The crook had skipped town! His expensive plane ticket was all for nothing! What would he do?]]
/ Philippe (thinking): I don't want him to waste the ticket. / [[Title: Thinking quickly, he rolled down the plane window and asked the pilot to descend to fifteen feet. He saw the crook's car and shot him in the driving leg!]] / [[Cornelius stands over Phillipe]]
/ [[Title: Later, at the hospital, the crook admitted that the jewels were in his pocket. Rip's bullet had narrowly missed them.]] / [[Cornelius leaves]]
/ [[Title: "Good job," said the police chief.]] / [[Title: "I didn't shoot the jewels because I knew where they were," said Rip. "Okay," said the police chief." THE END.]]
/ Philippe: Yaaay! Done! / {{Alt text: I wonder how Anthony Lane might approach a piece of entertainment such as this.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09142006 |
| Carl: A Fallen Friend | Ray: They just neutered Carl, Beef! I just heard! / Roast Beef: Aw damn Not Carl / Ray: Yeah, man! Pat went by to get some old baseball cards and Carl was just ten kinds of lanced! / Roast Beef: Oh god this is hell of depressing / Ray: I know, man! I'm almost cryin' over here! / Roast Beef: Carl wanted a family
/ He wanted to be a dad
/ Roast Beef: Said he was gonna propose to Janeane this fall
/ Roast Beef: Showed me the ring and everything / Roast Beef: Said they'd been savin' themselves for their wedding night
/ Roast Beef: She had this lingerie that was her grandma's
/ Roast Beef: He had this rubber from World War II / Ray: What?
/ Roast Beef: Look dude they are very traditional in his family / {{alt text: Carl is a mutual friend of theirs who they have known for quite a while. He's a really nice guy.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09152003 |
| Achewood - September 15, 2004 | [[Teodor: Man! This fig lambic is incredible!
/ Ray: You gettin' the nutmeg and honey finishing notes? / Teodor: Yeah! Real clear! Almost on cue, even!
/ Ray: We recommend serving this one with the flesh of an unborn veal calf, sauteed in hickory butter. No side dishes. / Teodor: Ray! Listen to you!
/ Ray: Now let's follow with a bit of a twist, our fennel ale. It'll remind you of a ginger ale, but it clocks in at 6.8%. / Ray: The mint really bridges the gap between the herb and the hops.
/ Teodor: I could drink this all day! / Ray: We recommend it with a cilantro-ape ceviche.
/ Teodor: Ape? / [[Ray looks around]] / Ray: I have a guy in Sierra Leone. Let me know. / {{No, you don't know Ray Smuckles.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09152004 |
| Achewood - September 15, 2006 | [[Ray sits at computer, holding phone]] / Ray: Well, I think it's because we runnin' Apache on FreeBSD. Yeah, swap space keeps fillin' up. Repartition? Wait, Mike, did you touch the NIC? I can't ping it. / [[Roast Beef turns to Ray looking surprised]] / Roast Beef: Dang Ray since when you got a clue of how to talk about computers man that is bomb! You got some serious grace! / Ray: Huh? Oh, I just wanted to see if I could run my own web server. It ain't some big deal like the main nerds would have you believe. This crud is fly-easy if you can make yourself care. / Roast Beef: Dang man listen to you all cock of the walk! / Ray: In fact, it's kinda beneath me. I plan on forgettin' all this stuff within a week, hopefully two. I got a hypno-session comin' up. / Roast Beef: Man what is that nonsense now / Ray: Seriously! Can you imagine if a chick heard me talkin' abour RAID arrays? Her tits would fall off and roll under the couch! Her uterus would shut like an airlock! / Ray: The hypnotist is gonna get it back down so I can just check email and maybe get stuff onto my ipod three times outta ten tries.
/ I might want a family someday, dude. / {{Alt text: You are not a powerful man if you have no power when the power is off}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09152006 |
| Achewood § September 15, 2009 | 09/15/2009 / [[The strip is structured as four columns of text with headlines, sub-headlines and graphics. The columns are of unequal widths. The text is a mixture of fonts, sizes and weights. At the top, across the four columns, is a headline, a subheadline and -- at right -- a graphic: detail of the drive motor, gears, pulleys and chains from the Wheel of Karma.]]
/ Headline: The LASH of THANATOS.
/ Subheadline: Wrap-Up: Loose Ends, Unanswered Questions, & Exciting Trivia! / [[Column 1: Headline, subhead and graphic: Ray's Escalade flipping high into the air over the car it struck after Ray lost control, having caught the book
/ "The Lash of Thanatos" with his forehead.]]
/ Headline: WHO
/ Subhead: WAS IN THE CAR THAT RAY HIT?
/ Text: Leo Fontanette. Leo was a foul, angry, greedy, arrogant Cadillac Salesman in life, and so he was reincarnated as a man--permanently driving a 1973 Honda Civic between Jo-Ann Fabric and Craft Stores on an errand for his wife--who is regularly T-boned by Raymond Q. Smuckles in his Escalade, at great velocity.
/ [[Graphic: Close up of Leo Fontanette behind the wheel of his Civic just before the moment of impact, screaming:]]
/ Fontanette: AGH! PIECE OF SHIT MORON! / [[Column 2: Headline, subheadline and graphic: A white arrow points to Cartilage Head's "tweedy little monk-man" as he hands Ray the dinner invitation in a detail from the Achewood strip of September 14, 2005]]
/ Headline: WHO
/ Subhead: WAS IN THE SEAT AT THE THEATRE?
/ Text: When Ray didn't arrive on time, Cartilage Head, ever the professional, had his tweedy little monk-man fashion a mannequin out of vegetables, in the style of Giuseppe Arcimboldo.
/ [[Graphic: At column right, a black arrow points down toward detail from Giuseppe Arcimboldo's painting "Vertumnus."]]
/ Caption: (italics) It is not a man at all. It might be fatalistic symbolism, but it might also have just been an emergency run to Whole Foods. / [[Column 3: Headline, subheadline and text]]
/ Headline: WHAT
/ Subheadline: IS SOME TRIVIA THAT I CAN KNOW?
/ Text: Still images of the Wheel of Karma cannot capture this fellow, but see him here, along with a quote from Beef's evaluation:
/ [[Graphic: Headline over a line drawing of a figure, which can be found repeated four times in the detail of the Wheel of Karma. A thought balloon extends below the figure to column bottom.]]
/ Headline: The MAGISTRATE of the QUATERNARY
/ Text: Find Me in the Wheel!
/ Magistrate of the Quaternary: (thinks) "Mihi Ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo congredi." (Excuse me. I've got to see a man about a dog.) / [[Fourth panel: Headline, subheadline and graphic: Detail of the exit chute of the Wheel of Karma (here referred to as the The Wheel of Samsara) showing the blanket and three tennis balls]]
/ Headline: WHAT
/ Subheadline: WAS WITH THE TENNIS BALLS AND TOWEL AT THE END OF THE WHEEL OF SAMSARA?
/ Text: If Roast Beef had gone through with his reincarnation, he would have ended up as an Unfortunate Being. In this case, a baby dog.
/ Dogs are Virtuous, Scruffy, Self-Obsessed, their paws feature the Lash of Thanatos, and they are singularly focused on finding ways in which to become Wounded. They leave life exactly as they enter it, so they are in a permanent loop of being reincarnated as themselves. / Dogs that add considerable weight to the Anger Coefficient Governor during their lives actually escape this olamic orbit, but come back as the most Unfortunate Beings of all: pert young petition-bearers who attempt to shake your hand as you exit the grocery store. Even the amputee Viet Nam veteran across the street shudders at their shameless guile. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09152009 |
| Achewood - September 16, 2002 | [[Roast Beef is in bed.]]
/ Roast Beef [[thinking]]: Whoo boy
/ I really went off my cookie last night / Ray [[In doorway, holding a gun]]: Hey, Beef! Look at me! I'm Tony Soprano! You got a problem with that? / Roast Beef [[On feet]]: Man Ray where in hell did you get a gun
/ Ray: It's Lyle's! It's a little snub just like Tony Soprano has! / Ray [[Pointing gun at Beef]]: Heh heh! You wearin' a wire, Roast Beef? Did you rat us out to the Feds?
/ Roast Beef: Don't point that thing at me man You know I don't like guns / Ray: Tell Carmela I had to take Christopher to the dentist! Later, Beef! / [[Ray turns to leave and slips on a rollar skate]] < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09162002 |
| Achewood - September 16, 2002 | [[Roast Beef is in bed.]]
/ Roast Beef [[thinking]]: Whoo boy
/ I really went off my cookie last night / Ray [[In doorway, holding a gun]]: Hey, Beef! Look at me! I'm Tony Soprano! You got a problem with that? / Roast Beef [[On feet]]: Man Ray where in hell did you get a gun
/ Ray: It's Lyle's! It's a little snub just like Tony Soprano has! / Ray [[Pointing gun at Beef]]: Heh heh! You wearin' a wire, Roast Beef? Did you rat us out to the Feds?
/ Roast Beef: Don't point that thing at me man You know I don't like guns / Ray: Tell Carmela I had to take Christopher to the dentist! Later, Beef! / [[Ray turns to leave and slips on a rollar skate]] < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09162002 |
| Achewood - September 16, 2003 | {{Title: Anarchist's Cookbook}} / Philippe: Lyle, will you read me a bedtime story? / Lyle: Huh? How come? / Philippe: I just saw Harry Potter and I'm too scared to go to sleep. / Lyle: Oh, alright. Just grab somethin' off my shelf over there. / [[View of books: "Ardus O'Malley: The Man Who Hit Men"; "Deconstructing Hawkwind Mythology"; Chilton's Repair Guide: 1971-73 AMC Hornet; "Class Three Head Trauma: Do's And Don'ts"]]
/ Philippe: These don't sound like bedtime stories! Don't you know any? / Lyle: Aw, crap. Uh... do you want to know how to make a bomb out of a floppy disk? / Philippe: Oh wow! Really?! / Lyle: Or how about the five secrets of successful shoplifting? / Philippe: Oh boy! Wow! / Lyle: You really seem into this stuff! Hold on a sec. I'm gonna get somethin' outta the garage. / (soon) / Lyle: Here it is, Philippe: The Anarchist's Cookbook. As my mentor Phreak Pisces gave it to me, so I now give it to you. / {{Mouse over: Prank #358: Throw your food on the floor at Mcdonalds.}} http://achewood.com/?date=09162003 |
| Achewood - September 16, 2003 | {{Title: Anarchist's Cookbook}} / Philippe: Lyle, will you read me a bedtime story? / Lyle: Huh? How come? / Philippe: I just saw Harry Potter and I'm too scared to go to sleep. / Lyle: Oh, alright. Just grab somethin' off my shelf over there. / [[View of books: "Ardus O'Malley: The Man Who Hit Men"; "Deconstructing Hawkwind Mythology"; Chilton's Repair Guide: 1971-73 AMC Hornet; "Class Three Head Trauma: Do's And Don'ts"]]
/ Philippe: These don't sound like bedtime stories! Don't you know any? / Lyle: Aw, crap. Uh... do you want to know how to make a bomb out of a floppy disk? / Philippe: Oh wow! Really?! / Lyle: Or how about the five secrets of successful shoplifting? / Philippe: Oh boy! Wow! / Lyle: You really seem into this stuff! Hold on a sec. I'm gonna get somethin' outta the garage. / (soon) / Lyle: Here it is, Philippe: The Anarchist's Cookbook. As my mentor Phreak Pisces gave it to me, so I now give it to you. / {{Mouse over: Prank #358: Throw your food on the floor at Mcdonalds.}} http://achewood.com/?date=09162003 |
| Anarchist's Cookbook | [[Philippe wears Batman pajamas facing Lyle]]
/ Philippe: Lyle, will you read me a bedtime story?
/ Lyle: Huh? How come? / Philippe: I just saw Harry Potter and I'm too scared to go to sleep!
/ Lyle: Oh, alright. Just grab somethin' off my shelf over there. / Phlippe: These don't sound like bedtime stories! Don't you know any?
/ [[Books: Ardus O'Malley, The Man Who Hit Men; Deconstructing Hawkwind Mythology; Chilton's Repair Guide / 1971/73 AMC Hornet; Class 3 Head Trauma - do's and don'ts / Lyle: Aw, crap.
/ Lyle: Uh, do you want to know how to make a bomb out of a floppy disk?
/ Philippe: Oh wow! Really?! / Lyle: Or how about the five secrets of successful shoplifting?
/ Philippe: Oh boy! Wow! / Lyle: You really seem into this stuff!
/ Lyle: Hold on a sec, I'm gonna get somethin' outta the garage. / [[SOON]]
/ Lyle: Here it is, Philippe: The Anarchist's Cookbook.
/ Lyle: As my mentor Phreak Pisces gave it to me, so I now give it to you. / {{alt text: Prank #358: throw your food on the floor at McDonald's}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09162003 |
| Anarchist's Cookbook | [[Philippe wears Batman pajamas facing Lyle]]
/ Philippe: Lyle, will you read me a bedtime story?
/ Lyle: Huh? How come? / Philippe: I just saw Harry Potter and I'm too scared to go to sleep!
/ Lyle: Oh, alright. Just grab somethin' off my shelf over there. / Phlippe: These don't sound like bedtime stories! Don't you know any?
/ [[Books: Ardus O'Malley, The Man Who Hit Men; Deconstructing Hawkwind Mythology; Chilton's Repair Guide / 1971/73 AMC Hornet; Class 3 Head Trauma - do's and don'ts / Lyle: Aw, crap.
/ Lyle: Uh, do you want to know how to make a bomb out of a floppy disk?
/ Philippe: Oh wow! Really?! / Lyle: Or how about the five secrets of successful shoplifting?
/ Philippe: Oh boy! Wow! / Lyle: You really seem into this stuff!
/ Lyle: Hold on a sec, I'm gonna get somethin' outta the garage. / [[SOON]]
/ Lyle: Here it is, Philippe: The Anarchist's Cookbook.
/ Lyle: As my mentor Phreak Pisces gave it to me, so I now give it to you. / {{alt text: Prank #358: throw your food on the floor at McDonald's}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09162003 |
| Anarchist's Cookbook | [[Philippe wears Batman pajamas facing Lyle]]
/ Philippe: Lyle, will you read me a bedtime story?
/ Lyle: Huh? How come? / Philippe: I just saw Harry Potter and I'm too scared to go to sleep!
/ Lyle: Oh, alright. Just grab somethin' off my shelf over there. / Phlippe: These don't sound like bedtime stories! Don't you know any?
/ [[Books: Ardus O'Malley, The Man Who Hit Men; Deconstructing Hawkwind Mythology; Chilton's Repair Guide / 1971/73 AMC Hornet; Class 3 Head Trauma - do's and don'ts / Lyle: Aw, crap.
/ Lyle: Uh, do you want to know how to make a bomb out of a floppy disk?
/ Philippe: Oh wow! Really?! / Lyle: Or how about the five secrets of successful shoplifting?
/ Philippe: Oh boy! Wow! / Lyle: You really seem into this stuff!
/ Lyle: Hold on a sec, I'm gonna get somethin' outta the garage. / [[SOON]]
/ Lyle: Here it is, Philippe: The Anarchist's Cookbook.
/ Lyle: As my mentor Phreak Pisces gave it to me, so I now give it to you. / {{alt text: Prank #358: throw your food on the floor at McDonald's}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09162003 |
| Achewood - September 16, 2004 | Ray: So this is our Meyer Lemon Weissbier. Note the delicate clove aftertaste.
/ Roast Beef: Highfalutin' / Ray: We recommend serving this one with buckwheat latkes and modified-death Ottawa venison.
/ Roast Beef: What does that mean modified death / Ray: Well, it's been scientifically proven that the meat of an animal that dies without suffering tastes better. Modified-death animals are executed in a loving, cage-free environment. / Roast Beef: So like the deer is in the champagne room getting an eyeful and suddenly he is shanked
/ Ray: That seems unlikely. / Roast Beef: Maybe it's set up more like an "adventure weekend" that goes horribly wrong Like four buddies go hunting and three of them have agreed to sell the last guy to Ottawa Modified Death Maybe he has like buck teeth and a calculator and stuff / Ray: Yeah, Beef. These animals are killed in bizarre hunting betrayals because they were nerds. Will you just taste the beer?
/ Roast Beef: How do I know you ain't sold me out to Ottawa Modified Death? / {{The chickens are given lady-blumpkins}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09162004 |
| Cartilage Head Offers Wine | [[Ray is sitting at the table. Cartilage Head hands him a note from off-frame.]] / [[Cut to Ray's perspective. Cartilage Head is holding the note, which reads: WINE?.]] / [[Ray turns to grab the wine glass on his right hand side.]] / [[Ray hands wine glass to Cartilage Head.]] / [[Cut to a curious looking wine bottle. There are what appears to be a double door on the bottle.]] / [[Cartilage Head opens the "door" of the bottle.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09162005 |
| Cartilage Head Offers Wine | [[Ray is sitting at the table. Cartilage Head hands him a note from off-frame.]] / [[Cut to Ray's perspective. Cartilage Head is holding the note, which reads: WINE?.]] / [[Ray turns to grab the wine glass on his right hand side.]] / [[Ray hands wine glass to Cartilage Head.]] / [[Cut to a curious looking wine bottle. There are what appears to be a double door on the bottle.]] / [[Cartilage Head opens the "door" of the bottle.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09162005 |
| Achewood - September 17, 2002 | [[Hospital waiting room]]
/ Ray: Let's everybody say somethin' nice about Roast Beef while we wait out here for the doctor, OK?
/ Ray: Why don't you start, Pat. / Pat: Why don't YOU start, Ray? Seems to me like you got the most ground to regain! / Dr. Andretti: Hello, I'm Dr. Paul Andretti. You are all here with a Mister...Roasted Beef?
/ Ray: We just call him Roast Beef. We all friends, you know? Ain't that right, fellas? *We all friends!* / Dr. Andretti: Your friend Roast Beef was very lucky. The bullet seems to have missed all of his major organs and lodged itself safely in his spine.
/ Ray: Whoah whoah whoah now! That don't sound so lucky, doc! In his *spine*? / Dr. Andretti: Normally I wouldn't call that lucky, no. No one in science would. / [[Roast Beef's hospital room]]
/ Dr. Andretti: [[Voiceover]] ...but in your friend's case, the way the ferrous material from the bullet fused with his vertebrae has actually resulted in a passable wireless Internet connection.
/ Roast Beef: [[Email]]
/ Dear Mom,
/ Do you remember how
/ when I was six I was
/ a modem for Halloween
/ Well guess what :)
/ Love
/ Roast Beef
/ PS I got shot by Ray
/ again
/ -----------------------
/ Do you Yahoo? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09172002 |
| Achewood - September 17, 2002 | [[Hospital waiting room]]
/ Ray: Let's everybody say somethin' nice about Roast Beef while we wait out here for the doctor, OK?
/ Ray: Why don't you start, Pat. / Pat: Why don't YOU start, Ray? Seems to me like you got the most ground to regain! / Dr. Andretti: Hello, I'm Dr. Paul Andretti. You are all here with a Mister...Roasted Beef?
/ Ray: We just call him Roast Beef. We all friends, you know? Ain't that right, fellas? *We all friends!* / Dr. Andretti: Your friend Roast Beef was very lucky. The bullet seems to have missed all of his major organs and lodged itself safely in his spine.
/ Ray: Whoah whoah whoah now! That don't sound so lucky, doc! In his *spine*? / Dr. Andretti: Normally I wouldn't call that lucky, no. No one in science would. / [[Roast Beef's hospital room]]
/ Dr. Andretti: [[Voiceover]] ...but in your friend's case, the way the ferrous material from the bullet fused with his vertebrae has actually resulted in a passable wireless Internet connection.
/ Roast Beef: [[Email]]
/ Dear Mom,
/ Do you remember how
/ when I was six I was
/ a modem for Halloween
/ Well guess what :)
/ Love
/ Roast Beef
/ PS I got shot by Ray
/ again
/ -----------------------
/ Do you Yahoo? / {{ Ray is 9600 baud }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09172002 |
| Kmart, Lyle, and Viet Nam | [[Philippe reads the Anarchist's Cookbook]]
/ Lyle: Philippe! You've been readin' that for hours! / Philippe: The Anarchy Cookbook is amazing!
/ Philippe: Did you know that McDonald's is the best place to use counterfeit money? / Philippe: It's because no one there cares what is happening!
/ Lyle: That's right! Companies like that should suffer! / Philippe: And you can create fun explosions at Kmart by filling the paint shaker up with big bottles of soda!
/ Lyle: Heh! I used to work at Kmart! / Philippe: What? Really? You did?
/ Lyle: I used to fill out hunting licenses for guys who couldn't write their own names!
/ Philippe: Wow! / Lyle: One time I crushed my thumb in the bowling ball drill press...
/ Lyle: ...and this Vietnam vet in a wheelchair tracked my blood all the way to the bathroom!
/ Lyle: "You got a man down," he said. / {{alt text: Actually it was Paul that got hurt and the vet tracked him from the bathroom TO the press.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09172003 |
| Kmart, Lyle, and Viet Nam | [[Philippe reads the Anarchist's Cookbook]]
/ Lyle: Philippe! You've been readin' that thing for hours! / Philippe: The Anarchy Cookbook is amazing!
/ Philippe: Did you know that McDonald's is the best place to use counterfeit money? / Philippe: It's because no one there cares what is happening!
/ Lyle: That's right! Companies like that should suffer! / Philippe: And you can create fun explosions at Kmart by filling the paint shaker up with big bottles of soda!
/ Lyle: Heh! I used to work at Kmart! / Philippe: What? Really? You did?
/ Lyle: I used to fill out hunting licenses for guys who couldn't write their own names!
/ Philippe: Wow! / Lyle: One time I crushed my thumb in the bowling ball drill press...
/ Lyle: ...and this Vietnam vet in a wheelchair tracked my blood all the way to the bathroom!
/ Lyle: "You got a man down," he said. / {{alt text: Actually it was Paul that got hurt and the vet tracked him from the bathroom TO the press.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09172003 |
| Achewood - September 17, 2007 | Ray: Dogg! Do NOT play with my merkin! / Ray: Téodor I-- Do NOT drag my merkin in the breakfast eggs! You gonna RUIN that merkin! / Téodor: Seriously, what is this thing? A toupee for your Diner's Club credit card?
/ Ray: It's a historical pubic wig from when prostitutes had to shave "down there" because of lice and stuff!
/ Téodor: Why do you need it? / Ray: I don't! I just didn't understand the eBay description!
/ Téodor: What were you searching for that could possibly be confused with "vagina wig"? / Ray: I don't know! Golf clubs? You know how searches take you off on tangents!
/ Téodor: Golf clubs are not within six degrees of vagina wigs, I don't care how bad your game is. / [[Ray thinks this last dialogue to himself]]
/ Ray: God, if he only knew... / {{title text: Vagina Wigs actually describes Ray's game pretty accurately these days}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09172007 |
| Achewood - September 18, 2002 | [[Roast Beef is laying in bed, Philippe is by bedside]]
/ Roast Beef; Well hello there Philippe
/ How nice of you to visit
/ I was wondering how I was going to get my smiles on!
/ Philippe; H-hello Roast Beef...h-h-how are you doing? / Roast Beef; Oh not too bad except for that I am shot
/ Don't that just beat all
/ Philippe; So, um...d-d-did you see your life flash before your eyes? / [[Roast Beef is the only one on the panel]]
/ Roast Beef; Oh heh heh...no, no...
/ Mostly I just remember gettin' shot and fallin' down... / [[Panel shows both again, Roast Beef has his head turned to the side and his hand on his face]]
/ Roast Beef; Oh...and...
/ Philippe; And...and what, Roast Beef?
/ Roast Beef; And that I had never kissed a lady / {{mouseover text: Mostly just shot is all}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09182002 |
| Don't Thank Me, Thank Anarchy | Philippe: Mom, guess what! I'm calling you from a pay phone...
/ Philippe: and I didn't even have to pay for it!
/ Lyle: Heh! / Philippe's Mom: Philippe? Dear? Is that you? / Philippe: I used an Anarchy Box!
/ Lyle: It's actually called a Red Box. / Philippe's Mom: Did you get the sweaters I mailed you, dear?
/ Philippe: Yeah! And we used ground-up aspirin and lemon juice to erase the postmarks!
/ Lyle: Oldest trick in the book! / Philippe: I re-used the stamps to send you some pictures that I drew!
/ Philippe's Mom: Oh! How precious! / Philippe: Lyle also taught me how to make a fake ID!
/ Philippe: I made you one that says you're 65 so you can get the retirement breakfast at Denny's!
/ Philippe: Ha ha! Don't thank me, thank Anarchy! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09182003 |
| Achewood - September 18, 2006 | [[Philippe walks up to Mr. Bear, who is writing on a clipboard]]
/ PHILIPPE: Whatcha' doin', Mr. Bear? / MR. BEAR: Hello, Philippe. I'm occupying myself by writing polyglot palindromes. / [[Philippe looks confused]] / MR. BEAR: I'm sorry. Phrases that are English in one direction, and a different language when read backwards.
/ PHILIPPE: Oh! Do you mean like if a beatnik who isn't proud of himself wants to talk to you, so first he says, "So, cat...a rap: all it rot"? / MR. BEAR: I--my dear boy! This...this is phenomenal! Have you always had this ability?
/ PHILIPPE: Oh gosh, I wouldn't call it an ability. It's just somethin' I can do. "Crib bickerer!" / MR. BEAR: "Rerèkçib birç"! The Turkish insult, "God will shame him on harvest day"! As I live and breathe, do it again! / PHILIPPE: Wow, you like this stuff? For real? / [[Mr. Bear is typing at his type writer]] / MR. BEAR (TYPING): Little Philippe continues to confound me. On one day, he might spend five hours wrapping his lower extremities in wet toilet tissue, only to throw a tantrum when no one is around to photograph him in the hardened mass. The next, he might speak in bilingual palindromes, or lead a frog through a makeshift obstacle course using only a small tatter of yellow madras. Often times, it seems that the only difference between children and the insane is pride of workmanship.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09182006 |
| Achewood - September 18, 2007 - Bubble Gum | [[Teodor is blowing a bubble.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09182007 |
| Under Philippe's Wing | [[matchmaker4U.com message page, reading I AM A: Man Seeking a Woman. Message box reads:]]
/ Dear Ladies, My name is Roast Beef! I would like to meet you! / [[Pull away from computer screen to reveal Philippe typing on the computer:]]
/ Philippe (typing): I have nice gray hair and I like to program on my computer. / Philippe (typing): I just got shot by my best friend but the good news is that now I have the Internet in my brain! / Philippe (typing): I am looking for someone...
/ Philippe (thinking): Hm! I wonder what kind of lady Roast Beef would like to meet? / [[Philippe has an idea, while Roast Beef is shown resting in his hospital bed.]] / Philippe (typing): I am looking for someone who would like to hear about my trip into OUTER SPACE! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09192002 |
| Under Philippe's Wing | [[matchmaker4U.com message page, reading I AM A: Man Seeking a Woman. Message box reads:]]
/ Dear Ladies, My name is Roast Beef! I would like to meet you! / [[Pull away from computer screen to reveal Philippe typing on the computer:]]
/ Philippe (typing): I have nice gray hair and I like to program on my computer. / Philippe (typing): I just got shot by my best friend but the good news is that now I have the Internet in my brain! / Philippe (typing): I am looking for someone...
/ Philippe (thinking): Hm! I wonder what kind of lady Roast Beef would like to meet? / [[Philippe has an idea, while Roast Beef is shown resting in his hospital bed.]] / Philippe (typing): I am looking for someone who would like to hear about my trip into OUTER SPACE! / {{somewhere a woman is looking for a man like this}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09192002 |
| Electrocuting Pat's Dick | Lyle: Alright, it's real nice of you to use the Anarchist's Cookbook to get presents for your mom,
/ Lyle: ...but now let's use it to play pranks on people!
/ Philippe: Pranks? / Lyle: Yeah, like throwing a homemade smoke bomb through Pat's window!
/ Philippe: But that's mean! What if it hit him? / Lyle: Double-prank!
/ Philippe: I don't want to be mean to Pat! / Lyle: Remember that time he had the police shut down your lemonade stand because you didn't have a business license?
/ Philippe: Hey, that's RIGHT! / [[SOON]]
/ Lyle: Alright, you go in there and spill a bunch of water on the floor in front of his toilet.
/ Philippe: I can do that! / Lyle: Good. Later, when he goes to take a leak, I'll flip the switch that connects the car battery to his toilet bowl.
/ Philippe: Okay. What will that do?
/ Lyle: It will electrocute his dick. / {alt text: The water will be very saline and cause Pat's dick to get extremely fried}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09192003 |
| Achewood - September 19, 2005 | [[Ray sips the wine]] / [[Ray surrounded by coffee, strawberries, bananas, grapes, cinnamon. And apples.]] / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09192005 |
| Cartilage Head and the Whispering Saw | [[Ray sips the wine]] / [[Ray surrounded by coffee, strawberries, bananas, grapes, cinnamon. And apples.]] / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09192005 |
| Achewood - September 19, 2005 | [[Ray sips the wine]] / [[Ray is surrounded by coffee beans, strawberries, bananas, grapes, cinnamon. And apples.]] / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09192005 |
| Little Nephew and the Vaseline | [[Little Nephew reads an instruction manual]]
/ Little Nephew: "Use a petroleum-based lubricant, such as Vaseline, to keep the contact points from corroding during winter storage."
/ Little Nephew: I think we cold got some 'a that in the medicine cabinet. / [[Little Nephew in a hallway holding a jar of Vaseline. He looks startled as Ray is heard singing to himself off-panel]]
/ Ray: A DOO DA DOO DA DOO DA DOO! / Little Nephew: Oh crud! Uncle Ray's gonna see me carryin' Vaseline and make much of it! / [[Little Nephew envisions Ray in a thought bubble]]
/ Ray: Little Nephew, did you remember to start the dishwash--well, now! Is that Vaseline? I guess it's time for "The Talk"! / [[Little Nephew imagines various permutations of Ray lecturing him in a thought bubble]]
/ Ray: ...now, you may have noticed that certain parts of your body react differently to heat and ideas...
/ Ray: ...perfectly natural and healthy...
/ Ray: ...ALWAYS run the sink if you think I might be home...
/ Ray: ...once you get goin', don't stop, or you'll get maaaad...
/ Ray: ...I don't care how late it is, I WILL come pick you up if you call me, no questions asked... / {{alt text: If you're at a place and you've made some mistakes, Ray just wants you home safe.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09192006 |
| Achewood - September 19, 2008 | [[Ray and Roast Beef are in Beef's car. Ray is disguised as a desert prince - black wig with sideburns, big black eyebrows, big goatee, dark aviator sunglasses, general's uniform with medals. Beef is slapping the steering wheel and laughing.]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh hee dude you gonna play her to a T man she ain't gonna know what hit her when you rip off that disguise / [[Ray puts his hand to his aviators]]
/ Ray: AH... / [[Ray rips off aviators to reveal his clear, normal glasses underneath]]
/ Ray: HAH! / Ray: Seriously, Beef - you think this beard can conceal the Voice Donut?
/ Roast Beef: Why ain't you just try it out man why I got to be on the spot with guesses / [[Phillipe is holding the Empire Voice Donut]] / Teodor: Ray? You around? There are like sixteen potato bugs in the pool, and I told Phillipe I'd take him swimming, but I can't find the -
/ Phillipe: Wow! What is THIS thing? / Teodor: Put that down! It might be some kind of doll insert!
/ Phillipe: A DOLL insert? Cool! What could it make a doll do? The splits? / [[Teodor mentally chastises himself]]
/ Teodor: Oh, crap. If I weren't such a disgusting loser, my mind wouldn't be trained to see the world in terms of the orifices it presents me. / Teodor: It's... Grown-ups have dolls too, you know, but they need them to do grown-up things. / [[Phillipe imagines Ray holding two dolls facing each other, each with an Empire Voice Donut inserted into its torso]]
/ Male doll: MARTHA CAN WE AFFORD THE TAXES
/ Female doll: NO WE CAN'T BILL
/ Male doll: OH THIS IS HORRIBLE / [[Back in the car. Ray has his disguise aviators on and is looking in a bag]]
/ Ray: Okay, where'd you put it? You pack it with the snacks?
/ Roast Beef: I ain't pack that thing man that was your job / Ray: It wasn't my job! Dude, the Voice Donut was strictly your touch!
/ Roast Beef: Own your situation Ray you goddamn forgot it and now you got to roll anyway / [[Back to Teodor and Phillipe]]
/ Teodor: Oh, wait! It's an Empire Voice Donut! I haven't seen one of these in ages... I wonder if it still works...
/ Phillipe: What does it do, Teodor? / Teodor: You talk through it, and you can have any accent you can think of! Watch! / [[Teodor talks through the donut and has an accent.]]
/ Teodor: Yarrh! I be a venomous Leprechaun with spikes on both me knees and a shillelagh where me heart should be! / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09192008 |
| Achewood - September 20, 2002 | Philippe: [[is waking up in his bed]] < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09202002 |
| Achewood - September 20, 2005 | WUMP http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09202005 |
| Cartilage Head: Grand Finale. | [[Grand Finale]] / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09202005 |
| Achewood - September 20, 2005 | [[GRAND FINALE]] / [[Ray applauds, tears in his eyes]] / [[Close-up of Cartilage Head's hand placing a needle on a record]] / Ray: (thinks) Oh man no no he ain't got to do this twice in one night! / [[Cartilage Head begins his head-squishing trick, but suddenly stops, a shocked expression on his face]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09202005 |
| Cartilage Head: Grand Finale | [[Panel with vertical text: GRAND FINALE]] / [[Ray applauds, still weeping. The remains of his meal are on the plate in front of him.]] / [[ A pale hand places a gramaphone needle on a record. ]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09202005 |
| Achewood - September 20, 2005 | [[Title text: GRAND FINALE.]] / [[Ray claps, still weeping and trembling.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09202005 |
| Achewood - September 20, 2007 | Teodor: What are you doing, Lyle? / Lyle: I'm lickin' this bra! Found it at the police station! / Teodor: Gross! You don't know where it's been!
/ Lyle: It's been on TITS, man! That's pretty much the only place one 'a these goes! / Teodor: What if it was on some septic, lactating crackhead?
/ Lyle: Male or Female? / Teodor: Can male crackheads actually lactate?
/ Lyle: They'll do anything for ten bucks. You want a go? Left cup's all yours. / Teodor: I'll pass. I'm allergic to dude-milk.
/ Lyle: Your loss, hombre. Have fun watchin' TV. / {{Alt text: It's true. Teodor drinks soy-based dude milk.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09202007 |
| Achewood - September 21, 2005 | [[A lonely street at night, the moon obscured by clouds. Ray stoically drives Cartilage Head's antique car slowly down an empty street.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09212005 |
| Achewood - September 21, 2006 | [[Ray sits in a large chair wearing a robe and reading the newspaper]]
/ Ray: Holy Crap! Bensington Butters just launched a premium clothing label, entered treatment for painkiller addiction, AND made the Al Qaeda death list!
/ Ray: That flashy son of a bitch! / Ray (in thought): He's makin' his move, is what he's doin'. He's goin' all-in, and darin' the other brothers in the syndicate to step to his game.
/ Ray (in thought): Well Bensington, I call you. I know your darkest secret. / Ray (in thought): You like Hanna-Barbera better than Disney. / {{image title text: Bensington Butters is just poor American trailer trash?}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09212006 |
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