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| Patching Up a Friend. | [[Ray is laying on the floor in the fetal position, his arms behind him, leaking fluid from his navel. Roast Beef kneels over him, and Tina stands behind looking greatly concerned.]]
/ Roast Beef: Alright it looks like his Rectus sheath is punctured and he's leakin' interstitial fluid / [[Close-up on Tina; top of Beef's head visible.]]
/ Tina: That crap don't clump, right? Like all hemogoblins an shit?
/ RB: I don't think it clots no so we got to plug this up quick / RB: Do you have uh do you got like one of those lady things in your purse
/ [[Tina smacks Beef upside the head.]]
/ T: I got nothin' BUT lady things in my purse, fool! You think a diva carries Skoal?! / [[Roast Beef turns angrily.]]
/ RB: Jesus Tina a TAMPON ! / [[Tina rummages in her purse.]]
/ T: Oh my God I can't believe I'm doin' this...so ill...SO wrong... / [[Close up of Beef's hand, holding a small tampon.]]
/ RB: Dang these things got a lot smaller since my mom used to use them
/ RB: She was always luggin' around these 3 Musketeers-size ones that had like a cardboard ejector chute and Charles Bronson on the package / [[Scene shows all three; Beef is lifting up Ray's leg to afford better access to the leaking navel.]]
/ T: Shut up and fix him, nerd! Hurry!
/ RB: OK wow good it looks like this fits perfectly now we just need somethin' to hold it in place you got like a band aid or anything else adhesive / [[Tina rummages in her purse some more, looking sheepish.]] / [[Closeup of Tina's hand holding a small box with a faint outline of a beaver on it, reading:
/ The Original
/ Diva Dam
/ Godiva Flavor
/ Self-adhesive dental dam]] / [[Roast Beef holds the box and looks at it.]] / [[Roast Beef holds the box and looks at Tina.]] / [[Tina, looking angry.]]
/ T: Don't have judgment, Roast Beef! You KNOW you don't drive a woman crazy enough to buck nasty! / [[Beef, looking irritated, applies the dental dam to Ray's navel.]]
/ RB, thinking: "It's not easy being Vagina Products MacGyver," thought Vagina Products MacGyver, as the harpy baselessly trashed his crotch chops. / {{Alt: Vagina Products MacGyver ran for one episode on Adult Swim but everyone agreed that the insouciant-title tail was wagging the strength-of-concept dog.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09052008 |
| Achewood - September 6, 2005 | Panel text: RAY SMUCKLES: HE GETS THINGS DONE
/ [[Ray is hunching forward on the toilet looking at a catalog with an irritated expression]]
/ Ray: Man, the food photography in this Home Depot catalog is ass! / [[Close up of Ray's face, sitting up against the toilet lid -- inspiration has struck!]]
/ Ray: (thinks) All same old piece of perfect salmon on a white plate with five asparaguses one inch away, no sauce a'tall ...
/ ... Sauce! / [[Same close-up, but Ray is on the cordless phone]]
/ Ray: Yeah, operator? Get me Home Depot. High up as you can get go. / Panel text: SOON.
/ [[Roast Beef appears at a door, eyes closed and clutching at his face]]
/ Roast Beef: Hey Ray uh do you remember how much calories in Chardonnay I mean I think the rhyme goes Fifty-One Has Mrlot But Chardonnay Has Less To Show --- / [[Ray is still on the toilet, holding the cordless phone in his right hand while reaching for toilet paper with the other]]
/ Ray: Not now, Beef, I'm on the line with Bob Nardelli. You know, CEO of Home Depot?
/ Ray: (into phone) Bob? Sorry about that. Friend of mine. Good guy. / [[Ray leans forward and wipes while continuing the phone conversation]]
/ Ray: So, yeah, I'm thinkin' just throw some food words in the yupscale supercollider ... / [[Ray stands back from the toilet, leaps up, and throws the used toilet paper for three points]]
/ Ray: ... and market us some Home Depot brand ... say ... / [[Ray sees KEY LIME hand wash resting by the mirror]]
/ Ray: ... Key Lime Hollandaise ... / [[Ray goes to shut the toilet lid]]
/ Ray: ... or ... or Slow-Roasted Ancho-Raisin Chutney ... / [[Ray pulls the flushing lever]]
/ Ray: ... and bang. You just extended your lifestyle brand.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09062005 |
| Achewood - September 6, 2005 | Panel text: RAY SMUCKLES: HE GETS THINGS DONE
/ [[Ray is hunching forward on the toilet looking at a catalog with an irritated expression]]
/ Ray: Man, the food photography in this Home Depot catalog is ass! / [[Close up of Ray's face, sitting up against the toilet lid -- inspiration has struck!]]
/ Ray: (thinks) All same old piece of perfect salmon on a white plate with five asparaguses one inch away, no sauce a'tall ...
/ ... Sauce! / [[Same close-up, but Ray is on the cordless phone]]
/ Ray: Yeah, operator? Get me Home Depot. High up as you can get go. / Panel text: SOON.
/ [[Roast Beef appears at a door, eyes closed and clutching at his face]]
/ Roast Beef: Hey Ray uh do you remember how much calories in Chardonnay I mean I think the rhyme goes Fifty-One Has Merlot But Chardonnay Has Less To Show --- / [[Ray is still on the toilet, holding the cordless phone in his right hand while reaching for toilet paper with the other]]
/ Ray: Not now, Beef, I'm on the line with Bob Nardelli. You know, CEO of Home Depot?
/ Ray: (into phone) Bob? Sorry about that. Friend of mine. Good guy. / [[Ray leans forward and wipes while continuing the phone conversation]]
/ Ray: So, yeah, I'm thinkin' just throw some food words in the yupscale supercollider ... / [[Ray stands back from the toilet, leaps up, and throws the used toilet paper for three points]]
/ Ray: ... and market us some Home Depot brand ... say ... / [[Ray sees KEY LIME hand wash resting by the mirror]]
/ Ray: ... Key Lime Hollandaise ... / [[Ray goes to shut the toilet lid]]
/ Ray: ... or ... or Slow-Roasted Ancho-Raisin Chutney ... / [[Ray pulls the flushing lever]]
/ Ray: ... and bang. You just extended your lifestyle brand.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09062005 |
| Achewood - September 6, 2005 | Panel text: RAY SMUCKLES: HE GETS THINGS DONE
/ [[Ray is hunching forward on the toilet looking at a catalog with an irritated expression]]
/ Ray: Man, the food photography in this Home Depot catalog is ass! / [[Close up of Ray's face, sitting up against the toilet lid -- inspiration has struck!]]
/ Ray: (thinks) All same old piece of perfect salmon on a white plate with five asparaguses one inch away, no sauce a'tall ...
/ ... Sauce! / [[Same close-up, but Ray is on the cordless phone]]
/ Ray: Yeah, operator? Get me Home Depot. High up as you can get go. / Panel text: SOON.
/ [[Roast Beef appears at a door, eyes closed and holding his nose]]
/ Roast Beef: Hey Ray uh do you remember how much calories in Chardonnay I mean I think the rhyme goes Fifty-One Has Merlot But Chardonnay Has Less To Show --- / [[Ray is still on the toilet, holding the cordless phone in his right hand while reaching for toilet paper with the other]]
/ Ray: Not now, Beef, I'm on the line with Bob Nardelli. You know, CEO of Home Depot?
/ Ray: (into phone) Bob? Sorry about that. Friend of mine. Good guy. / [[Ray leans forward and wipes while continuing the phone conversation]]
/ Ray: So, yeah, I'm thinkin' just throw some food words in the yupscale supercollider ... / [[Ray stands back from the toilet, leaps up, and throws the used toilet paper into the bowl for three points]]
/ Ray: ... and market us some Home Depot brand ... say ... / [[Ray sees KEY LIME hand wash resting by the mirror]]
/ Ray: ... Key Lime Hollandaise ... / [[Ray goes to shut the toilet lid]]
/ Ray: ... or ... or Slow-Roasted Ancho-Raisin Chutney ... / [[Ray pulls the flushing lever]]
/ Ray: ... and bang. You just extended your lifestyle brand.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09062005 |
| Achewood - September 6, 2006 | [[Teodor, Roast Beef, and Ray are out walking]]
/ Ray: Oh man, it's a Magreaux dog! Quick, let's cross the street like we didn't see him. / [[The Magreaux dog stands on the sidewalk on its hind legs, wearing a sweatshirt and holding a soda. It is similar in appearance to Ray, with the same rounded ears and sunglasses.]] / Roast Beef: Oh crap dude Ray I am so sorry man I got your back anything you need
/ Teodor: What's a Magreaux dog? / Roast Beef: It's a thing of cats where if our luck's about to change for the worse we see a Magreaux dog
/ Roast Beef: The dog doesn't even know why it's doing what it's doing but it tries to take on our appearance / Ray: God DAMMIT! Why the hell I got to see a Magreaux dog right now?! Everything was FINE! / [[The Magreaux dog peers their way, then laps from the straw in its soda.]] / Teodor: Look! He's trying to walk!
/ Roast Beef: Oh man that is a bad sign / [[The Magreaux dog takes a few steps and falls over on the sidewalk, where it begins to sob]] / Roast Beef: Teodor this is really hard for me and Ray to watch maybe you could uh maybe we could meet you at the house later / Roast Beef: I mean this dog was walking this is going to be really bad I mean Ray might be about to lose his mom or even his own life / [[Ray sniffles. Roast Beef puts his hands on Ray's shoulders to comfort him]]
/ Roast Beef: Come on Ray think how much we cheated and we gonna cheat again man we gonna cheat this / {{Alt: Seeing your Magreaux dog try to walk is probably the worst feeling in the world.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09062006 |
| Achewood - September 7, 2004 | [[Ray and Roast Beef are having a conversation on the phone.]]
/ Roast Beef: So yeah uh I was at Raley's and they have changed the label design on cans of --- / [[The phone conversation is interrupted as Ray's cordless phone begins picking up loud interference.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09072004 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/?date=09072005">http://achewood.com/?date=09072005 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - September 7, 2006 | [[Roast Beef on cell phone at the doctor's office.]]
/ Roast Beef: Hey Pat uh Ray just saw a Magreaux dog downtown by the KFC / Roast Beef: Yeah we're at the doctor's office he's gettin' the whole workup you know full body MRI and even a chaplain / Roast Beef: Yeah man ok cool I'll see you here in a few / [[SOON.]]
/ Pat: I came as fast as I could. How's he doing? Is the MRI over? Have you called his mother? / Roast Beef: No man we ain't callin' her until we know anything you know I mean the phone call alone might get her a heart attack I mean we got to not play into this thing's hands / Pat: This will be what it'll be. There's no way of preventing whatever summoned his Magreaux dog.
/ Roast Beef: I know man but we just crazy with fear I mean the things tried to walk Pat it tried to walk / Pat: I don't like hearing that any more than you like saying it, but we have to think forward now.
/ We may need to make preparations. / Roast Beef: Come on man the dog might have been about someone he knows or like misrepresentatively prominent for a minor surgery he needs
/ Pat: You and I both know what's going on here. / Roast Beef: Man I can't lose Ray come on Pat just an hour ago we were walkin' and now we seen his dog and it's over just like that it makes no sense IT MAKES NO SENSE! IT MAKES NO SENSE! / {{title text: Things are winding down for Ray.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09072006 |
| Achewood - September 7, 2007 | [[Ray sits at a writing desk with a pencil in his hand, looking worried, while Teodor walks up behind him.]]
/ Ray: Whoah, man, check this out! Everything I draw accidentally ends up lookin' like a dick!
/ Teodor: Really? / Ray: Yeah, dude! Ask me to draw somethin'!
/ Teodor: Okay, how about a loaf of sourdough? / [[Close-up on Ray's paper: There are a few scribbles in the upper left corner and a drawing of a phallic-looking loaf of bread with only one slash on the top, evoking a penis's head and shaft.]] / [[Teodor examines Ray's paper.]]
/ Teodor: Whoah! How come you didn't draw the rest of the slashes across the top? / [[Ray is again visible at the writing desk with Teodor behind him.]]
/ Ray: I don't know! My brain just told me I was done! Gimme another thing to draw.
/ Teodor: A Nintendo?
/ Ray: Okay, let's see. / [[Close-up on Ray's paper: A very obvious drawing of a penis, testicles, and a smattering of pubic hair.]] / [[Teodor, holding both Ray's drawings now, has a very angry look on his face, while Ray stares earnestly back at him.]] / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09072007 |
| Achewood - September 8, 2004 | Ray: Waterbury, um, are you a secret agent instead of a butler?
/ Waterbury: Sir? / Ray: My cordless phone accidentally picked up your call to the Queen last night.
/ Waterbury: Ah, I see... / Waterbury: Yes, Mr. Smuckles. I am sorry to have deceived you, but the safety of the crown was at stake.
/ Ray: So this whole time you could have like done judo and kicked me on the face? / [[Waterbury putting on a hat]]
/ Caption: SOON.
/ Waterbury: It has been a most unique opportunity, Mr. Smuckles. Best of luck. / [[Ray seeing Waterbury off]]
/ Ray: You need a couple bucks for the road?
/ Waterbury: Thank you, but I have been well remunerated for my time here. Ta. / Ray: Oh, look. He forgot his newspaper! / Newspaper: LONDON MORNING STAR
/ TUBBY TABBY TERRORIZES THRONE!
/ "I desire to see the Queen grind pastries mercilessly beneath her nude bottom." -- possibly said by Ray Smuckles, California
/ Randy Ray Rejoices as Rounded Rump Ruins Rum-Raisin Roulades / {{A curt parting of paths.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09082004 |
| Achewood - September 8, 2006 | Doctor: Well, Ray, the MRI didn't turn up anything. I'd like to do one last test, a video colonoscopy.
/ Ray: Anything, doc. Whatever you think is necessary. / Doctor: So you know, we're evaluating a new piece of equipment - the Sanryobuki RemoteMed "Trio." It examines three patients at once and is guided by a doctor in Japan. / Ray: I got to have this with two other dudes at the same time?
/ Doctor: It's not cost-effective to operate it with any vacancies. I hope you don't mind. / Narrator: SOON.
/ Ray: Holy crap! Cornelius? Lyle? What are you guys doin' in here waitin' for video colonoscopies? / Cornelius: Precisely that! Lyle let me treat him to an exam - one must look after one's prostate, after all!
/ Lyle: I'm gettin' up there in years. / Téodor: HUFF
/ Téodor: PUFF
/ Téodor: PIFF / Téodor: Ray! Ray! Wait! I found out! It wasn't your Magreaux dog! It was a fake!
/ Ray: Téodor? What are you talkin' about? This ain't funny, dude. / Téodor: After you left, I followed the dog! It ran a few blocks and jumped into a big red Bentley with the license plate CAVIAR!
/ Ray: Bensington Butters! / Téodor: Yeah! Yeah! He even called the dog The Talented Mr. Smuckles! He and his posse were laughing their asses off!
/ Ray: That son of a bitch set this whole thing up?! / Ray: So long, fellows. No colonoscopy for me today. I got business to attend to.
/ Doctor: Ray? I can't start the machine without three men. The Japanese. / Lyle: It's your lucky day, T!
/ Cornelius: Téodor! I say, good show! It's never too early to consider one's prostate. / Narrator: MINUTES LATER.
/ Doctor: I'm sorry - Lyle, is it? - The Japanese technician wants to know if you've done any...I think he's saying...acting? / {{Read about Lyle's acting career in his blog, click here}} http://achewood.com/?date=09082006 |
| Achewood - September 8, 2006 | [[Doctor holding a clipboard talking to Ray, who is wearing only a long sheet of paper over his front with a strap around the neck]]
/ Doctor: Well, Ray, the MRI didn't turn up anything. I'd like to do one last test, a video colonoscopy.
/ Ray: Anything, doc. Whatever you think is necessary. / Doctor: So you know, we're evaluating a new piece of equipment - the Sanryobuki RemoteMed "Trio." It examines three patients at once and is guided by a doctor in Japan. / Ray: I got to have this with two other dudes at the same time?
/ Doctor: It's not cost-effective to operate it with any vacancies. I hope you don't mind. / [[Ray facing Cornelius and Lyle, who are wearing the same paper privacy sheet over their fronts]]
/ Narrator: SOON.
/ Ray: Holy crap! Cornelius? Lyle? What are you guys doin' in here waitin' for video colonoscopies? / Cornelius: Precisely that! Lyle let me treat him to an exam - one must look after one's prostate, after all!
/ Lyle: I'm gettin' up there in years. / [Téodor running outside in front of a building]]
/ Téodor: HUFF
/ Téodor: PUFF
/ Téodor: PIFF / [[A very sweaty Téodor joins Ray, Cornelius, and Lyle]]
/ Téodor: Ray! Ray! Wait! I found out! It wasn't your Magreaux dog! It was a fake!
/ Ray: Téodor? What are you talkin' about? This ain't funny, dude. / Téodor: After you left, I followed the dog! It ran a few blocks and jumped into a big red Bentley with the license plate CAVIAR!
/ Ray: Bensington Butters! / Téodor: Yeah! Yeah! He even called the dog The Talented Mr. Smuckles! He and his posse were laughing their asses off!
/ Ray: That son of a bitch set this whole thing up?! / Ray: So long, fellows. No colonoscopy for me today. I got business to attend to.
/ Doctor:{{over loudspeaker}} Ray? I can't start the machine without three men. The Japanese. / Lyle: It's your lucky day, T!
/ Cornelius: Téodor! I say, good show! It's never too early to consider one's prostate. / [[Téodor, Lyle, and Cornelius are lying on their backs in a row on tables with their legs up in the air, their legs facing a window the Doctor is behind]]
/ Narrator: MINUTES LATER.
/ Doctor: I'm sorry - Lyle, is it? - The Japanese technician wants to know if you've done any...I think he's saying...acting? / {{Read about Lyle's acting career in his blog, click here}} http://achewood.com/?date=09082006 |
| Achewood - September 8, 2006 | [[Dr. Andreti is holding a board of some sorts, while Ray is wearing an examination garb]] / Dr. Andretti: Well, Ray, the MRI didn't turn up anything. I'd like to do one last test, a video colonsocopy.
/ Ray: Anything, doc. Whatever you think is necessary. / Dr. Andretti: So, you know, we're evaluating a new piece of equipement -- the Sanryobuki RemoteMed "Trio." It examines three patients at once and is guided by a doctor in Japan. / Ray (Worried): I got to have this wiuth two other dudes at the same time?
/ Dr. Andretti: It's not cost-effective to operate it with any vacancies. I hope you don't mind. / [[(SOON.) Cornelius and Lyle have joined Ray on the clinic. Lyle is holding a bottle of some sort of spirit.]] / Ray: Holy crap! Cornelius? Lyle? What are you guys doin' in here waitin' for videol colonoscopies?
/ Cornelius: Precisely that! Lyle let me treat him to an exam - one must look after one's prostate, after all!
/ Lyle: I'm gettin' up there in years / [[Outside scene. Téodor is running outside the clinic.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09082006 |
| Achewood § September 8, 2009 | [[Beef and Molly's dark bedroom. Molly alone in bed, asleep.]] / [[Beef getting into bed.]] / [[Molly coughs a bit in her sleep.]] / [[Mid shot of Roast Beef.]] / [[Roast Beef thinks to himself:]]
/ Beef: Sorry Molly / Beef: I was a coward who would desert a dyin' man. / [[Hosptial. A doctor over Ray, Teodor half in shot.]]
/ Doctor: Well, I have good news, but then I have extra good news, Ray.
/ Ray: Cool! Fun! / [[Mid shot of doctor.]]
/ Doctor: OnStar called, and they don't want you to talk about what happened. / [[Mid shot of Ray and Teodor.]]
/ Teodor: You mean how they locked us inside of a self-immolating vehicle because we sounded high and we only got out when I had the critical wherewithal to kick through the cracked windshield? / [[Close up of Teodor.]]
/ Doctor: Right. They'd like to settle "out of court" -
/ Teodor: You mean outside of the cremation protocol loop they never QA'ed? / [[Mid shot of doctor and Ray.]]
/ Doctor: Precisely. To the tune of the low eight figures.
/ Ray: Fun! Rad! / [[Close shot of Teodor's face again.]]
/ Teodor: Make 'em sweat it. What's the extra good news? / [[Ray and doctor again.]]
/ Doctor: Ray, your head injury actually brought to attention a sizeable pocket of ethanol-soluble brain plaque.
/ Ray: Good! Bad? Ethanol! Ketel One? / [[All three in shot.]]
/ Doctor: Exactly. We'll have you on localized cranial drip-flush for a few days, and when the mass has dissipated, we'll put you on a "hair of the dog" regimen that eases detoxification.
/ Ray: Not too easy now! I am a great man, but I am not a good man, doctor. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09082009 |
| Achewood - September 9, 2002 | [[Ray speaks into the phone to Roast Beef, who is still on the moon. Lyle and Teodor are watching TV in the background.]]
/ Ray: Roast Beef! You should get down here! We lookin' at *hella porno!* / [[Roast Beef is in the cockpit of Pat's rocket ship speaking on the phone. Ray is visible as an inset head and shoulders at the base of his own speech bubble.]]
/ Roast Beef: you are
/ Ray (V.O.): Aw yeah, Beef! This chick has some RUUUDE TITTIES! / Roast Beef: well uh how rude exactly are we talkin about here Ray
/ Ray: The *RUDEST!* / [[Shot of outside the spaceship, the black starless sky, the blank white ground, the little loop of footprints and the scratched word 'JAVA.']]
/ Roast Beef's thoughts: daaamn / [[The spaceship's ramp retracts.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09092002 |
| Achewood - September 9, 2002 - We lookin' at hella porno | [[Ray speaks into the phone to Roast Beef, who is still on the moon. Lyle and Teodor are watching TV in the background.]]
/ Ray: Roast Beef! You should get down here! We lookin' at *hella porno!* / [[Roast Beef is in the cockpit of Pat's rocket ship speaking on the phone. Ray is visible as an inset head and shoulders at the base of his own speech bubble.]]
/ Roast Beef: you are
/ Ray (V.O.): Aw yeah, Beef! This chick has some RUUUDE TITTIES! / Roast Beef: well uh how rude exactly are we talkin about here Ray
/ Ray: The *RUDEST!* / [[Shot of outside the spaceship, the black starless sky, the blank white ground, the little loop of footprints and the scratched word 'JAVA.']]
/ Roast Beef's thoughts: daaamn / [[The spaceship's ramp retracts.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09092002 |
| Your Porno Name | [[DIARY STRIP: CORNELIUS BEAR, SEPTEMBER 9, 2003]]
/ [[TRAPPED IN THE DUMBWATER]]
/ Roast Beef: Okay guys uh do you know how to generate your "porn star name"
/ Lyle: No! How? / Mr. Bear: Roast Beef entertained us with an amusing game he had read about on the Web.
/ Roast Beef: Well uh it's pretty fun
/ Roast Beef: You take the name of your first pet / Mr. Bear: My first pet? Why, sweet little Dickie the parakeet!
/ Roast Beef: And then you take the street you first lived on / Mr. Bear: Roxx Street in Cambridge!
/ Roast Beef: And you add them together / Mr. Bear: Dickie Roxx! Dickie Roxx! How perfectly pornographic! I couldn't wait for my turn!
/ Roast Beef: You always get something that is extremely humorous / Lyle: Heh! What's your porno name, Beef?
/ Roast Beef: Oh uh it's kind of funny actually
/ Roast Beef: My porn name is "John Holmes" / Mr. Bear: What?
/ Roast Beef: We had a mouse named John And we loved on Holmes Lane
/ Lyle: No way!
/ Todd: Awesome!
/ Nightlife Mingus: Wow! / [[Roast Beef Smiles]] / {{alt text: It was actually Goldfish #1A Loomis Pines Trailer Court Sani-Hookup 12}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09092003 |
| Your Porno Name | [[DIARY STRIP: CORNELIUS BEAR, SEPTEMBER 9, 2003]]
/ [[TRAPPED IN THE DUMBWATER]]
/ Roast Beef: Okay guys uh do you know how to generate your "porn star name"
/ Lyle: No! How? / Mr. Bear: Roast Beef entertained us with an amusing game he had read about on the Web.
/ Roast Beef: Well uh it's pretty fun
/ Roast Beef: You take the name of your first pet / Mr. Bear: My first pet? Why, sweet little Dickie the parakeet!
/ Roast Beef: And then you take the street you first lived on / Mr. Bear: Roxx Street in Cambridge!
/ Roast Beef: And you add them together / Mr. Bear: Dickie Roxx! Dickie Roxx! How perfectly pornographic! I couldn't wait for my turn!
/ Roast Beef: You always get something that is extremely humorous / Lyle: Heh! What's your porno name, Beef?
/ Roast Beef: Oh uh it's kind of funny actually
/ Roast Beef: My porn name is "John Holmes" / Mr. Bear: What?
/ Roast Beef: We had a mouse named John And we lived on Holmes Lane
/ Lyle: No way!
/ Todd: Awesome!
/ Nightlife Mingus: Wow! / [[Roast Beef Smiles]] / {{alt text: It was actually Goldfish #1A Loomis Pines Trailer Court Sani-Hookup 12}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09092003 |
| Achewood - September 9, 2004 | Roast Beef: Oh heck if that isn't my cell phone dang it
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09092004 |
| Achewood - September 9, 2005 | [[Téodor is on the phone. Philippe is standing next to him.]]
/ Téodor: Pat? Philippe wants to know if he can come look at your aquarium today.
/ Philippe (thinking): Yes! / [[Pat is in front of an aquarium with several kinds of fish and a treasure chest, holding a cordless phone.]]
/ Pat: You told the boy I had an aquarium. / Téodor: Well, you do. What? What's the problem?
/ Philippe (thinking): Noooo! / Pat: Never mind, I'll get you started on the paperwork. Look for my fax. <<...SIGH>> / [[One page of the "paperwork":]]
/ [[§ 9a: Children and the Aquarium.
/ If a Child visits the Aquarium, the Child shall be forbidden from:
/ a) Tapping on the glass,
/ b) Playing imagination games,
/ c) Asking any questions prior to consulting David Starr Jordan's "The Genera of Fishes and A Classification of Fishes," which sits open on the mini-lectern next to the Aquarium during daylight hours. / § 9b: Understandings.
/ It is understood by the Child that he or she is Unwelcome at all times. / § Corollary 9b.1: Other thoughts on Children.
/ It is clear that the furtherance of the species relies upon the production of children, yet no system of adequately shielding the right-thinking population from the lunacy and inconvenience of children yet exists. I believe that as a self-correcting evolutionary mechanism, however, our species has within it the ability to solve this problem. / § 9c: Gift Annex.
/ We offer a small selection of literature and "Probationary Ichthyologist" pendants sure to delight any child. /
/ INITIAL AND CONTINUE:____]] / {{title text: Children caught playing Imagination Games will be immediately asked to leave.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09092005 |
| Achewood - September 10, 2002 | [[The backyard of a house in Achewood. Pat's rocket ship has just touched down and Roast Beef has disembarked via the ramp. Ray is there to greet him.]]
/ Ray: Dogg! It's good to see you! / Roast Beef: yeah uh you too Ray you too
/ Ray: Man, has it been a while!
/ [[He opens his arms and hastens towards Beef.) / [[Ray hugs Roast Beef, who flinches.]] / [[As Roast Beef continues to cringe away, Ray straightens up a little and looks dismayed.]] / [[Ray has released Roast Beef, who stands rubbing his arm uncomfortably.]]
/ Roast Beef: So... uh... / Roast Beef: ...so I guess now there is just the small matter of the materials we discussed?
/ Ray: Huh? Oh! Right! The porno! / [[Cut to the living-room, where Ray and Beef sit on the couch facing the TV, whose screen displays the title 'MAGIC'S MYSTERIES *REVEALED!*']]
/ Ray: Well I'll be! It looks like someone taped over it! Oh well! Who wants a drink?
/ Roast Beef: ! / [[Cut to the yard, where a frowning Roast Beef runs for the rocket ship ramp, Ray in pursuit.]]
/ Ray: Roast Beef! Wait! Nooo! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09102002 |
| Ketel One, Eminem, Twain Invents the Internet | [[BACK WITH MARK TWAIN]]
/ Mark Twain: I thanked Ray and Philippe for using their time machine to bring me the wonders of their modern world:
/ Ray: Well, we gotta take. Philippe starts school tomorrow! / Mark Twain: The Ketel One vodka was a great improvement upon the vodkas I had sampled while abroad;
/ Ray: I left a handle in the icebox for you. / Mark Twain: ...and the angry young "talking singer" Eminem reminds me of the many ways of Tom and Huck. / Mark Twain: I do hope this glimpse into the future will help inform my novels with provocative and lasting ideas.
/ [[NOTES:
/ While Jim is in prison, Huck removes kernels from dried corncobs to create secret "binary" protocol for passing messages to him]] / {{alt text: The Internet had nothing to do with Tim Berners-Lee}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09102003 |
| Achewood - September 10, 2004 | [[Ray_and_Beef_Chat 6.0]]
/ [[(C) R.Beef Kazenzakis 1996-2004]] / ray: Dirty Sanchez all the way!
/ beef: oh man dogg old high school terms such as Dirty Sanchez and Cleveland Steamer, also Donkey Punch
/ beef: man so excellent
/ ray: Don't 4get the Blumpkin!
/ beef: Oh man I have this .txt file of a bunch of new terms I came up with over the past couple years just in spare time
/ ray: No $hit?
/ beef: along such lines as the Livid Pedro and the Minnesota Timeline
/ rayL What are those dogg?? Tell me $$
/ beef: The Livid Pedro: (n) When the boy has had too much tequila and he is just FURIOUS
/ ray: Is that sexxy tho
/ beef: The Minnesota Timeline: (n) When you see the same lady in two completely different internet photo sets and you notice that she ahs the same shoes on
/ ray: O.K. I can kind of see that 1/2$
/ ray: Any others
/ beef: Yeah hold on
/ beef: The Kilty Monroe: (n) This is when a Scottish man walks over a steam grate and the hot air blows his kilt up to reveal his blood pudding
/ ray: Man why would you even write something like that
/ beef: look this ain't the magna carta dude it is just a .txt file
/ ray: Why did you think of that though
/ ray: Why would you think of that
/ [[ray has signed off 18:43.23PM]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09102004 |
| Ray and Beef Chat | [[Ray_and_Beef_Chat 6.0]]
/ [[(C) R.Beef Kazenzakis 1996-2004]] / ray: Dirty Sanchez all the way!
/ beef: oh man dogg old high school terms such as Dirty Sanchez and Cleveland Steamer, also Donkey Punch
/ beef: man so excellent
/ ray: Don't 4get the Blumpkin!
/ beef: Oh man I have this .txt file of a bunch of new terms I came up with over the past couple years just in spare time
/ ray: No $hit?
/ beef: along such lines as the Livid Pedro and the Minnesota Timeline
/ rayL What are those dogg?? Tell me $$
/ beef: The Livid Pedro: (n) When the boy has had too much tequila and he is just FURIOUS
/ ray: Is that sexxy tho
/ beef: The Minnesota Timeline: (n) When you see the same lady in two completely different internet photo sets and you notice that she has the same shoes on
/ ray: O.K. I can kind of see that 1/2$
/ ray: Any others
/ beef: Yeah hold on
/ beef: The Kilty Monroe: (n) This is when a Scottish man walks over a steam grate and the hot air blows his kilt up to reveal his blood pudding
/ ray: Man why would you even write something like that
/ beef: look this ain't the magna carta dude it is just a .txt file
/ ray: Why did you think of that though
/ ray: Why would you think of that
/ [[ray has signed off 18:43.23PM]]
/ {{alt text:I am not sure if the Blumpkin has ever been executed in a mutually cooperative environment}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09102004 |
| Achewood - September 10, 2004 | [[Ray_and_Beef_Chat 6.0]]
/ [[(C) R.Beef Kazenzakis 1996-2004]] / ray: Dirty Sanchez all the way!
/ beef: oh man dogg old high school terms such as Dirty Sanchez and Cleveland Steamer, also Donkey Punch
/ beef: man so excellent
/ ray: Don't 4get the Blumpkin!
/ beef: Oh man I have this .txt file of a bunch of new terms I came up with over the past couple years just in spare time
/ ray: No $hit?
/ beef: along such lines as the Livid Pedro and the Minnesota Timeline
/ rayL What are those dogg?? Tell me $$
/ beef: The Livid Pedro: (n) When the boy has had too much tequila and he is just FURIOUS
/ ray: Is that sexxy tho
/ beef: The Minnesota Timeline: (n) When you see the same lady in two completely different internet photo sets and you notice that she has the same shoes on
/ ray: O.K. I can kind of see that 1/2$
/ ray: Any others
/ beef: Yeah hold on
/ beef: The Kilty Monroe: (n) This is when a Scottish man walks over a steam grate and the hot air blows his kilt up to reveal his blood pudding
/ ray: Man why would you even write something like that
/ beef: look this ain't the magna carta dude it is just a .txt file
/ ray: Why did you think of that though
/ ray: Why would you think of that
/ [[ray has signed off 18:43.23PM]] / {{Title Text: I am not sure if the Blumpkin has ever been executed in a mutually cooperative environment}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09102004 |
| Achewood - September 10, 2007 | [[Teodor sits at a computer as Mr. Bear looks over his shoulder.]]
/ Mr. Bear: Your reply might have gone to my "Junk" mail folder? How do you mean?
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09102007 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09102008">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09102008 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - September 11, 2002 | [[A backyard in Achewood. Pat's rocket ship, back from the moon, is parked on its fins, the ramp extended but the door shut. Ray is knocking on the door.]]
/ Ray: Roast Beef! Come on out the spaceship!
/ Roast Beef (inside): why should I... just gonna get *lied to* / Ray: Is that what you really think? That I'm gonna *lie* to you?
/ Roast Beef (inside): always *do*
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09112002 |
| You just gonna lie to me | [[A backyard in Achewood. Pat's rocket ship, back from the moon, is parked on its fins, the ramp extended but the door shut. Ray is knocking on the door.]]
/ Ray: Roast Beef! Come on out the spaceship!
/ Roast Beef (inside): why should I... Just gonna get lied to / Ray: Is that what you really think? That I'm gonna lie to you?
/ Roast Beef (inside): always do
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09112002 |
| Coming Home / Clues | Ray: Phew, glad THAT'S over! Man, 1882 was MEGA dull!
/ Philippe: You didn't have to lie to him! He was so nice to us! / Ray: Well BLAH blah BLAH blah BLAH blah BLAH!
/ Philippe: Ray! Look! The police are at your house! / Ray: That ain't the police! That's the company that looks after my Harman Kardons!
/ Ray: I hope to crap they're OK! / Ray: Philippe, I'm going to sneak into the house and check things out. You stay here by this ugly plant.
/ Philippe: Be careful, Ray! There might be machine guns! / [[SOON]]
/ Ray: What the... "Braveheart"?
/ Ray: A case of Red Stripe?
/ Ray: A completely colden family-size pizza from Papa Tony's?
/ Ray: Roast Beef's income tax forms, completely blank, with a pencil next to them? / Ray: Todd's van?
/ Ray: Lyles Palm III?
/ Ray: Téodor's "Howard Jones" blanket?
/ Ray: Dear. God. I. Am. Not. A. Religious. Man. But. Please. Help. Me. See. The. Connection. Here. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09112003 |
| Coming Home / Clues | Ray: Phew, glad THAT'S over! Man, 1882 was MEGA dull!
/ Philippe: You didn't have to lie to him! He was so nice to us! / Ray: Well BLAH blah BLAH blah BLAH blah BLAH!
/ Philippe: Ray! Look! The police are at your house! / Ray: That ain't the police! That's the company that looks after my Harman Kardons!
/ Ray: I hope to crap they're OK! / Ray: Philippe, I'm going to sneak into the house and check things out. You stay here by this ugly plant.
/ Philippe: Be careful, Ray! There might be machine guns! / [[SOON]]
/ Ray: What the... "Braveheart"?
/ Ray: A case of Red Stripe?
/ Ray: A completely colden family-size pizza from Papa Tony's?
/ Ray: Roast Beef's income tax forms, completely blank, with a pencil next to them? / Ray: Todd's van?
/ Ray: Lyles Palm III?
/ Ray: Téodor's "Howard Jones" blanket?
/ Ray: Dear. God. I. Am. Not. A. Religious. Man. But. Please. Help. Me. See. The. Connection. Here. / {{The pizza: half Stromboli, half onion}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09112003 |
| Achewood - September 11, 2006 | [[Title: HEUTE AUF DEUTSCH.]]
/ Ray: Ich habe Gesellschaft!
/ {{literally, "I have society"} / [[Statue of Teodor dressed as Klaus Nomi]]
/ Teodor: Im Thuringen sagen sie…
/ [[Subtitle: They have a saying in Thuringen…]] / [[Teodor in front of statue]]
/ Teodor: Hunde mögen nicht Frucht…
/ [[Subtitle: Do not make monuments to the living…]]
/ {{Actual translation: "Dogs don't like fruit…}} / [[Teodor shoots himself in the head; blood spatters the statue]]
/ [[Subtitle: …for they can still disgrace the stone.]] / Teodor: Hunde mögen bumsen und schlafen!
/ [[Subtitle: But they are crazy in Thuringen…]]
/ {{Actual translation: Dogs love fucking and sleeping!}} / [[Teodor laughs; X's over eyes]]
/ [[Subtitle: …they drink so much Löwenbräu they lie]] / {{Alt-text: You owe yourself a YouTube search for Klaus Nomi}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09112006 |
| Achewood - September 11, 2006 | [[Title: HEUTE AUF DEUTSCH.]]
/ Ray: Ich habe Gesellschaft!
/ {{literally, "I have society"} / [[Statue of Teodor dressed as Klaus Nomi]]
/ Teodor: Im Thuringen sagen sie…
/ [[Subtitle: They have a saying in Thuringen…]] / [[Teodor in front of statue]]
/ Teodor: Hunde mögen nicht Frucht…
/ [[Subtitle: Do not make monuments to the living…]]
/ {{Actual translation: "Dogs don't like fruit…}} / [[Teodor shoots himself in the head; blood spatters the statue]]
/ [[Subtitle: …for they can still disgrace the stone.]] / Teodor: Hunde mögen bumsen und schlafen!
/ [[Subtitle: But they are crazy in Thuringen…]]
/ {{Actual translation: Dogs love fucking and sleeping!}} / [[Teodor laughs; X's over eyes]]
/ [[Subtitle: …they drink so much Löwenbräu they lie]] / {{Alt-text: You owe yourself a YouTube search for Klaus Nomi}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09112006 |
| Achewood - September 11, 2008 | [[Ray is in bed, smiling like he did when he got hit between the eyes with a baseball. Beef stands over him, concerned.]]
/ Beef: I get the thing that you were tryin' to do with Tina man / Ray: Spill, Beef. A brother is tore up on toxic shock syndrome and rockin' a Schedule III Sodium Pentothal* in his gravy. / [[White text on black background.]]
/ Text: * Dr. Andretti administered Sodium Pentothal - commonly known as "truth serum" - to Ray, because it is one of the few barbiturates not contra-indicated by Long Island Iced Tea and Crab Louie, both of which Ray had tested positive for. / Beef: Your ass saw me get married and you wanted to get married too so you wouldn't feel left behind
/ Ray: Dogg, you are exactly right. / [[Close-up on Ray]]
/ Ray: I wanted the four of us to have classy dinner parties and boat vacations in France, for our kids to be the same age... hella tite. / [[Ray and Beef again.]]
/ Beef: Yeah but getting married to Tina so that you can be married is like setting your house on fire so that you can finally meet the neighbours
/ Beef: You marry that woman and you gonna become the David Blaine of findin' excuses not to be at home / {{Alt text: Tina? Yeah. Look, I'm gonna pull a pirate ship across the Atlantic by my teeth this month. There's money by the oven. }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09112008 |
| Achewood - September 12, 2002 | [[Roast Beef and Ray walk into a bar that's been decorated to look like Cheers.]]
/ Ray: Look, Beef! I made everything just like Cheers! / [[Teodor is behind the bar - he winks and points his finger.]]
/ Ray: Teodor is like Sam, all cool and smooth...
/ Teodor: What'll it be, Beef? / [[Mr. Bear raises a glass of wine.]]
/ Ray: Mr. Bear is like Frasier - I know how you like Frasier!
/ Roast Beef: Hee! Hee!
/ Mr. Bear: Delightful to see you again, Beef! / [[Todd, with an apron and one hand on his hip.]]
/ Ray: Say now, is that Todd? NO! It is not Todd! It is Carla!
/ Todd: I gotta get an abortion but I missed the bus! How's about you just hit me with that folding chair, handsome?
/ Roast Beef: oh my goodness! / [[Phillipe, at the bar.]]
/ Ray: And oh! Who's this?! Why, it's Woody!
/ Phillipe: Hiya Mr. Beef! / Roast Beef: Oh, hee hee hee!
/ Hee hee!
/ Oh, hee hee hee! / {{Alt text: LET'S EAT FOIE GRAS}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09122002 |
| Achewood - September 12, 2002 | [[Roast Beef and Ray walk into a bar; Ray has his right arm over Beef's left shoulder. Teodor is behind the bar, wearing a slicked-back black toupee and collared shirt. A banner above him says "Cheers."]]
/ Ray: Look, Beef! I made everything just like Cheers! / [[Teodor is behind the bar - he winks and points his finger, while wiping the bar top with his left hand.]]
/ Ray: Teodor is like Sam, all cool and smooth...
/ Teodor: What'll it be, Beef? / [[Ray is now on Beef's right-hand side. Cornelius Bear is there, sitting on a bar stool.]]
/ Ray: Mr. Bear is like Frasier - I know how you like Frasier!
/ Roast Beef: Hee! Hee!
/ [[Mr. Bear raises a glass of wine.]]
/ Mr. Bear: Delightful to see you again, Beef! / [[Todd, with an apron and one hand on his hip.]]
/ Ray: Say now, is that Todd? NO! It is not Todd! It is Carla!
/ Todd: I gotta get an abortion but I missed the bus! How's about you just hit me with that folding chair, handsome?
/ [[Beef, bending down to see Todd better.]]
/ Roast Beef: oh my goodness! / [[Phillipe, at the bar.]]
/ Ray: And oh! Who's this?! Why, it's Woody!
/ [[Beef has his right hand to his face, which exhibits an expression of wonder. Phillippe is wearing a blonde toupee, and is also wiping down the bar. He waves at Ray and Beef.]]
/ Phillipe: Hiya Mr. Beef! / [[Beef, mouth open and eyes wide in joy. Rays of majesty radiate from his face.]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh, hee hee hee!
/ Hee hee!
/ Oh, hee hee hee! / {{Alt text: LET'S EAT FOIE GRAS}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09122002 |
| Achewood - September 12, 2002 | [[Roast Beef and Ray walk into a bar that's been decorated to look like Cheers.]]
/ Ray: Look, Beef! I made everything just like Cheers! / [[Téodor is behind the bar - he winks and points his finger.]]
/ Ray: Téodor is like Sam, all cool and smooth...
/ Téodor: What'll it be, Beef? / [[Mr. Bear raises a glass of wine.]]
/ Ray: Mr. Bear is like Frasier - I know how you like Frasier!
/ Roast Beef: Hee! Hee!
/ Mr. Bear: Delightful to see you again, Beef! / [[Todd, with an apron and one hand on his hip.]]
/ Ray: Say now, is that Todd? NO! It is not Todd! It is Carla!
/ Todd: I gotta get an abortion but I missed the bus! How's about you just hit me with that folding chair, handsome?
/ Roast Beef: oh my goodness! / [[Phillipe, at the bar.]]
/ Ray: And oh! Who's this?! Why, it's Woody!
/ Phillipe: Hiya Mr. Beef! / [[Close-up on Roast Beef with Pac-Man eyes]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh, hee hee hee!
/ Hee hee!
/ Oh, hee hee hee! / {{Alt text: LET'S EAT FOIE GRAS}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09122002 |
| Hot Lunches | [[Ray is on the phone]]
/ Ray: Yes, this is Mr. Smuckles. I understand there's been a disturbance in my home?
/ Ray: Ah-ha, I see. But no trace of vandalism? / Ray: Very good. Well, you may dismiss your guard. I'll be home shortly.
/ Ray: No, thank YOU Carrie!! / [[SOON]]
/ Ray: So let me get this straight:
/ Ray: You tried to watch a movie in my home theater and ended up setting off the alarm? / Roast Beef: Yeah man we were just trying to have a nice time you know
/ Roast Beef: Watch Braveheart and get a little puzzled on some brew / Roast Beef: Next thing you know we're stuck in that dumbwaiter and makin' number two in Ziploc sandwich bags
/ Roast Beef: It was a pretty rough scene / Ray: You guys been packin' Hot Lunches in my elevator?! / Roast Beef: Well what would you have us do Ray
/ Roast Beef: Hold it for two weeks like at Boy Scout Camp and then need surgery
/ Roast Beef: I AIN'T goin' through that again / {{alt text: Camp John Mensinger, Beardsley CA}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09122003 |
| Achewood - September 12, 2005 | [[Ray is reading Maxim.]]
/ Ray: Well I'll be! Says here that George Clooney is learnin' Coptic!
/ Ray: Daaamn! / Ray: Hello, CafePress? I need to have a shirt made. I want it to be white and say certain information about George Clooney--
/ Ray: Oh, use your website? Yeah, I'll just use your website. Nice. / [[THE NEXT DAY]]
/ [[Ray is wearing a white t-shirt that says "George Clooney is learning coptic"]] / [[Ray turns around. The back of the shirt says "Coptic, I tell you!"]] / Roast Beef: Dang man since when you all into the hipster t-shirt craze / Ray: Hipster? What? Why'd you say that?
/ Roast Beef: It is considered extremely correct if a kid 14-23 has nonsense on his t-shirt. / Ray: Oh. Well, this ain't that. It's just what's goin' on with me.
/ Ray: They got this website "CafePress" makes it easy to put your notions on a shirt. / Roast Beef: Dang man so like you could blog directly on a Hanes?
/ Ray: Heh! Probably not, but maybe? / [[THE NEXT DAY]]
/ [[Roast beef is wearing a white t-shirt that says the following: / 9:23 PM Septe..
/ Think I might have asthma. Some dude with just these nasty-ass dreadlocks came by and asked if we had any old bikes that he could fix up but almost immediately I started...]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09122005 |
| Achewood - September 12, 2007 | Cornelius Bear Thought Patters and Processes
/ ->
/ Yaaawn! (Am I the only fellow who effects a proper double-armed yawn upon waking anymore?)
/ ->
/ HM. Four hours 'til I open the pub. What to do?
/ -> {{A/B}} / {{A}}
/ Grind out new romance novel
/ -> Theme? ->
/ A man named Derek comes to crave a woman who sells pitons at a local mountain climbing store
/ -> Make her deaf ->
/ -> That's grand. ->
/ THINK always write the climax first...
/ ->
/ Precariously suspended high above the floor of Inyamut Canyon she signs to him that he must let her fall to her death; the faulty piton she recommended cannot hold them both
/ -> con't ->
/ elegantly, the hand motion she uses to release herself from her harness - into thin air - is also sign language for "I will always love you"
/ ->
/ Call Kristi about check / {{B}}
/ Make sense of yesterday
/ ->Best check yesterday's voicemail. I think it's from the doctor. ->
/ Oh bother of course my cholesterol is high I am not a cedarn finial
/ -> {{C/D}} / {{C}}
/ -> Don't act on "Problem" ->
/ Like Diamond Jim Brady I say pshaw to you! I set my sights on a gross of oysters, a hangtown fry, ten coupes of bollinger and think red steaks smothered in veal and mushrooms! A two-pound box of candy shall be my dessert and nuts to coffee for all the brandy I shall call forth!
/ -> {{E}} / {{D}}
/ -> Act on "Problem" ->
/ Sigh, once again I shall attempt his proscribed breakfast of steamed raisins, cottage cheese, and poached tomato
/ -> Curse it all! ->
/ -> {{C}} / {{E}}
/ -. What's in the icebox? ->
/ Morningstar Farms "veggie" sausage patties; Morningstar Farms "veggie" bacon, which looks like bacon photocopied onto bleached chamois
/ -> To drink? ->
/ Small boxes of Clifford the Big Red Dog's Funtime Organic Barn Juice
/ ->
/ + a bottle of Bailey's with the neck and cap wrapped in masking tape
/ ->
/ Go to work early / [[Cornelius Bear looks disapprovingly at Phillipe, who is drawing on his own face with the aid of a hand mirror.]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09122007 |
| It's a Fuck You Friday! 09/12/2008 | IT'S A FUCK YOU FRIDAY / [[Ray, at a fast-food counter, looks at his plate with one eyebrow raised.]]
/ Ray: Woah, you guys buy your tortilla chips at the damn [i]store?[/i] What kind of candy assed taqueria is this, anyway?
/ Server: [i]Chupa mi pene, cabron.[/i] / [[Pat stands at his doorway, speaking to a young, buck-toothed boy holding a clipboard.]]
/ Pat Reynolds: You need to raise money for a trip to the "gubberment"? Is that some sort of cool "vibbeo gabe" palace? Go get pegged in a room, supper chunks. / Molly: Dammit, Beef! Don't stay up all night watching clips of airshow disasters or you're going to have a panic attack and I'M going to have to drive us to yout uncle's stupid birthday tomorrow!
/ Roast Beef [[thinking]]: [i]Up yours wife[/i] / [[Teodor, sweaty and dressed in a jogging outfit, talks on a cellphone.]]
/ Teodor: I... I'm out on a run! Don't call me while I'm exercising to tell me my loan application's been declined, you shitty little work-in-a-room shirt and car man! / [[Cornelius raises his fists at a store front: The Window Guy's!: Jim-Danny-Don: INSTALLATION-ESTIMATES-TRIM]]
/ Cornelius Bear: YOU IMBECILES! MAY LUCIFER BRAND YOUR FOREHEADS WITH AN APOSTROPHE IN HADES! / {{Alt-Text: Seriously, like ten people are involved in making signs. How do these things go unnoticed?}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09122008 |
| It's a Fuck You Friday! 09/12/2008 | IT'S A FUCK YOU FRIDAY / [[Ray, at a fast-food counter, looks at his plate with one eyebrow raised.]]
/ Ray: Woah, you guys buy your tortilla chips at the damn [i]store?[/i] What kind of candy assed taqueria is this, anyway?
/ Server: [i]Chupa mi pene, cabron.[/i] / [[Pat stands at his doorway, speaking to a young, buck-toothed boy holding a clipboard.]]
/ Pat Reynolds: You need to raise money for a trip to the "gubberment"? Is that some sort of cool "vibbeo gabe" palace? Go get pegged in a room, supper chunks. / Molly: Dammit, Beef! Don't stay up all night watching clips of airshow disasters or you're going to have a panic attack and I'M going to have to drive us to yout uncle's stupid birthday tomorrow!
/ Roast Beef [[thinking]]: [i]Up yours wife[/i] / [[Teodor, sweaty and dressed in a jogging outfit, talks on a cellphone.]]
/ Teodor: I... I'm out on a run! Don't call me while I'm exercising to tell me my loan application's been declined, you shitty little work-in-a-room shirt and car man! / [[Cornelius raises his fists at a store front: The Window Guy's!: Jim-Danny-Don: INSTALLATION-ESTIMATES-TRIM]]
/ Cornelius Bear: YOU IMBECILES! MAY LUCIFER BRAND YOUR FOREHEADS WITH AN APOSTROPHE IN HADES! / {{Alt-Text: Seriously, like ten people are involved in making signs. How do these things go unnoticed?}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09122008 |
| Beef gets bent | [[Roast Beef and Ray stand at a bar tended by Philippe, who is wearing a strange wig.]]
/ Beef: You...you did all this for me Ray? / Ray: That's right, Beef! And after we have some drinks we all goin' out for pepperoni pizza! / Beef: Man I would love a pepperoni pizza All hot and crispy as the Dickens < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09132002 |
| Achewood - September 13, 2004 | [Roast beef is on the phone in his darkened room. We only hear his side of the dialog.]
/ Roast Beef: Johnny Cash traded his knuckles in for dirt exactly a year ago dogg can you believe it / Roast Beef: Yeah I tried to do a thing or two / Roast Beef: Well like I was gonna wear all black but all I could find was a black hacky-sack so I kicked that around for a little while / Roast Beef: It landed in this empty cup of rum / [View from the outside on his trailer.]
/ Roast Beef: Heh no I was not able to kill a man in Reno just to watch him die
/ Roast Beef: Stuff like that is so difficult to orchestrate since the 70s / [View on the dark insides again]
/ Roast Beef: Yeah I guess that would be a good Nevada state execution program
/ Roast Beef: I could see Japanese businessmen paying millions to spray third-strikers with lead / Roast Beef: Heh yeah / Roast Beef: This Mile of Highway Sponsored by Darren Getting His Guts Shot Out by Honorable Representative of Tayaguchi Corporation
/ Roast Beef: Darren stole three Ho-Ho's, a flashlight, then failed to pay a parking ticket http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09132004 |
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