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| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08202009">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08202009 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - August 21, 2002 | Caption: WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 21
/ A FLASHBACK
/ [[Roast Beef, walking alone on the surface of the moon, stops in his tracks.]]
/ Roast Beef: ! / [[Flashback: Ray sits, presumably at a table, with a dish of food and a glass of wine in front of him. He holds a knife and a fork, and looks disgruntled. Roast Beef stands sheepishly before him, rubbing his head in embarrassment.]]
/ Ray: Dang, Beef! I can't eat this much jalapenos!
/ Roast Beef: I'm sorry Ray
/ Did I make it too spicy
/ I know you like fun food / Ray: Yes well but this is just a bit silly now! I can't even see the dang nachos! / [[Close-up on Roast Beef, who looks miserable.]]
/ Roast Beef: Well uh I could just get you some potato chips
/ We do got that fancy kind which is all expensive and costly / Ray: No, no, no! I ain't interested in no potato chips! I'm INTERESTED in why you would be so careless as to put so many jalapenos on here! / [[Roast Beef turns away, holding his head, and gazes upward.]]
/ Roast Beef (thinks): That amount of jalapenos is kinda like my emotions right now
/ *Hella crazy* http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08212002 |
| Santa's Dad | Mark Twain: An outlandish silver conveyance alighted upon the back lawn as I wrote in my study this evening. / Mark Twain: From it emerged two remarkable animals: / Mark Twain: A bespectacled housecat who could not speak for nervous agitation, / Mark Twain: ...and an exuberant river otter who asked in which room of our house Santa Claus was to be born.
/ Philippe: You must be Santa's dad! / Mark Twain: He ran off in search of said nativity, at which point I observed the cat pulling deeply from a bottle of wine. / Mark Twain: The liquor greatly improved the fellow's spirits, and soon he saw fit to introduce himself.
/ Ray: Oh, uh...I'm Ray, by the way.
/ Ray: Listen...could you help a brother out and tell me where exactly I am in terms of space and time? / {{alt text: Come on now, help a brother out.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08212003 |
| Santa's Dad | [[Ray's "time machine" is sitting on a lawn in the dark]]
/ Mark Twain: An outlandish silver conveyance alighted upon the back lawn as I wrote in my study this evening. / [[The door to the "time machine" opens]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08212003 |
| The Brothers In The Syndicate | [[Teodor stands next to an owl on a perch.]]
/ Teodor: Whoah! What's with the owl? / [[Ray appears, toweling off.]]
/ Ray: Hey, T. All the brothers in the syndicate just chose what's gonna be they new 'thang for the year.
/ I got Rocky here. / [[Bensington Butters is sitting in front of many microphones, reading a book.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08212006 |
| The Brothers In The Syndicate | [[Téodor stands next to an owl on a perch.]]
/ Téodor: Whoah! What's with the owl? / [[Ray appears, toweling off.]]
/ Ray: Hey, T. All the brothers in the syndicate just chose what's gonna be they new 'thang for the year.
/ I got Rocky here. / [[Bensington Butters is sitting in front of many microphones, reading a book.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08212006 |
| Achewood - August 21, 2007 | [[Exterior shot of Ray Smuckles' Cadillac. Ray in the driver's seat; Roast Beef is in the passenger seat]]
/ Roast Beef: Ugh oh man why you let him sell you that damn Jalapiñata Triple-Spiced Finisher's Power Plate / [[Restaurant sign: Fiesta Max!]]
/ Roast Beef: I mean Jesus who ever heard of havin' a extra entrée as a "cool-down" before dessert
/ Roast Beef: Ugh I hate myself so much right now / [[Ray's Cadillac, driving down the road]]
/ Ray: You ain't had to finish off every single bite, dude. That was your call.
/ Roast Beef: Dogg you know I got mad crazy guilt about wastin' food / [[Ray's Cadillac, close-up of Roast Beef sitting in the passenger seat]]
/ Roast Beef: How costly was that trough call anyway
/ Roast Beef: I figure about $147 with the conveniently suggested tip / [[interior of Ray's Cadillac]]
/ Ray: Pretty much. But like I told you: my treat. Wasn't your idea.
/ {{Roast Beef thinks to himself, 'Damn that is some scratch'}} / [[exterior of Ray's Cadillac]]
/ Roast Beef: I go to a taco truck. I order three tacos. They cost three dollars. My Fiesta Name is Pendejo.
/ Roast Beef: I still have enough money left over for a large Dr. Pepper and Lesotho.
/ {{Ray drives on, but seems to be frowning.}} / {{Alt text: 'Taco Bell shamelessly invented Fourthmeal. A variety of Finisher's Power Plates is FiestaMax's proportional response.'}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08212007 |
| Achewood - August 21, 2007 | [[Exterior shot of Ray Smuckles' Cadillac. Ray in the driver's seat; Roast Beef is in the passenger seat]]
/ Roast Beef: Ugh oh man why you let him sell you that damn Jalapiñata Triple-Spiced Finisher's Power Plate / [[Restaurant sign: Fiesta Max!]]
/ Roast Beef: I mean Jesus who ever heard of havin' a extra entrée as a "cool-down" before dessert. Ugh I hate myself so much right now / [[Ray's Cadillac, driving down the road]]
/ Ray: You ain't had to finish off every single bite, dude. That was your call.
/ Roast Beef: Dogg you know I got mad crazy guilt about wastin' food / [[Ray's Cadillac, close-up of Roast Beef sitting in the passenger seat]]
/ Roast Beef: How costly was that trough call anyway. I figure about $147 with the conveniently suggested tip / [[interior of Ray's Cadillac]]
/ Ray: Pretty much. But like I told you: my treat. Wasn't your idea.
/ Roast Beef: {{thought bubble}} Damn that is some scratch / [[exterior of Ray's Cadillac]]
/ Roast Beef: I go to a taco truck. I order three tacos. They cost three dollars. My Fiesta Name is Pendejo. I still have enough money left over for a large Dr. Pepper and Lesotho.
/ {{Ray drives on, but seems to be frowning.}} / {{title-text: Taco Bell shamelessly invented Fourthmeal. A variety of Finisher's Power Plates is FiestaMax's proportional response.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08212007 |
| Achewood - August 22, 2002 | [[Interior of Pat's rocket ship, on the moon. Roast Beef is at his laptop, and talking on the phone with Ray, back on Earth. This is a continuation of an earlier strip in which Roast Beef talks of his hacking exploits and Ray attempts to bluff knowledge with the help of a guidebook.]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh it's just this dumb shoppin' site
/ I totally hijacked their SQL through an unpatched Windows.dll
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08222002 |
| Dressing Like Twain | Mark Twain: He seemed quite taken by my clothing which to my surprise flattered me a great deal.
/ Ray: Daamn, I am diggin' these old-school duds! / Mark Twain: He wondered aloud where he might get a similar outfit, and added that he would be willing to spend "heck of Benjamins."
/ Ray: Seriously, man! / Mark Twain: We went through the children's wardrobes, as they are off wintering with their mother in more agreeable climes. / Mark Twain: Soon he was outfitted in a similar manner to me, and I dare say the little fellow did look quite dapper.
/ Ray: They oughta take a picture of me and put it on money! / {{alt text: Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society. -Mark Twain}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08222003 |
| Dressing Like Twain | [[We see Mark Twain from the neck down. Ray is feeling Mark Twain's pants]]
/ Mark Twain: He seemed quite taken by my clothing, which to my surprise flattered me a great deal.
/ Ray: Daamn, I am diggin' these old-school duds! / [[Close up of Ray with his arms crossed]]
/ Mark Twain: He wondered aloud where he might get a similar outfit, and added that he would be willing to spend "heck of Benjamins."
/ Ray: Seriously, man! / [[A silhouette of Mark Twain's house. Smoke is coming out the chimneys. All of the rooms are lit up and there is a full moon in the sky. We see Philippe's silhoustte in one of the windows]]
/ Mark Twain: We went through the children's wardrobes, as they are off wintering with their mother in more agreeable climes. / [[Ray, standing inside the house, is wearing a suit similar to Mark Twain's suit. He is holding a cane with his left hand. His right hand is in his jacket pocket]]
/ Mark Twain: Soon he was outfitted in a similar manner to me, and I dare say the little fellow did look quite dapper.
/ Ray: They oughta take a picture of me and put it on money! / {{alt text: Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society. -Mark Twain}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08222003 |
| Achewood - August 22, 2005 | Ray: Philippe! Come quick! Roast Beef is havin' a baby! / Philippe: But I thought men couldn't have babies!
/ Ray: Don't talk! / [[Outside Ray's room]]
/ Ray: Alright now - he's havin' his baby in my room. Are you okay with that?
/ Philippe: Yes! / [[Roast Beef lying on bed]]
/ Ray: Roast Beef! Good news! I found Philippe, dude!
/ Roast Beef: Dang Philippe thanks for coming I guess today is the big day huh ! / Ray: Whoah, Beef! You just went into labor!
/ Roast Beef: Oh crud man wish me luck / [[Close-up of Roast Beef]]
/ Roast Beef: OH GOD MAN THIS IS SO WAAAACKYYYYY / Ray: Hold on, Beef! Now, don't be mad! Is the baby...right about...here? / Roast Beef: Yes dogg that is the baby oh my goodness ! / Ray: There we go! Got 'im! / Philippe: Wow! Is it a boy or a girl?! Is it okay? What is its name? / Ray: It's the Kermit the Frog Master Memory Challenge! Happy birthday, little man!
/ Philippe: Oh my gosh, guys! Thanks! / {{alt tag: Who says good things never happen to the little shaver.}} / {{comic title: Philippe's Birthday}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08222005 |
| Achewood - August 22, 2007 | Phillippe: In there!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08222007 |
| Achewood - August 22, 2007 | [[Philippe is dressed in a birthday hat and a bowtie, pointing toward a door. Ray is standing outside the door in a tuxedo listening to the noises coming from the other side.]]
/ Philippe: In there!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08222007 |
| Achewood - August 22, 2008 | [[Roast Beef reading, Molly is rubbing his back/shoulders.]]
/ Molly: Babe, can I give you a little trim "down there"? / [[Close-up of Beef's face, he has turned his head toward Molly.]]
/ Beef: It ain't exactly like my thatch is sportin' an afro pick and a disregard for people who have to sit behind it at the movie theatre, you know. / [[Same as first panel]]
/ Molly: It's just... when you're trimmed, you look longer! And more... modern!
/ Beef: Man but what if I wind up on the coroner's slab / [[Similar scene, but Molly looks a little worried and Beef is gazing off into imagination land.]]
/ Beef: He all speaks into his little voice recorder, "Victim is a grey male, thirty to thirty-five, oh my, what's this... / [[Same but Molly looks worse.]]
/ Beef: "... a DIY-denuded pubis indicates he was given to fanciful notions about his ability to manipulate the visual drama of his own genitalia... / [[Molly has her hands at her sides in defeat. Beef has gone back to his book/paper.]]
/ Beef: "Cause of death: a Glen of Imaal Terrier was unable to detect the important mammalian identification pheromones normally locked in the pubic hair and mistook him for a terrified, asexual forcemeat. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08222008 |
| Achewood - August 23, 2002 | [[Interior of Pat's rocket ship, on the Moon. Roast Beef is on the phone with Ray, back on Earth, who has just made a bizarre off-colour remark about Beef's mother in an attempt to talk like a hacker. Beef has one hand to his lips in shock.]]
/ Roast Beef (thinks): Oh my god did Ray just say what I think he said / [[Beef's expression changes from surprise to anger.]]
/ Roast Beef (thinks): Man how low can you get / [[Beef looks angrier still and begins to shake a little.]]
/ Roast Beef (thinks): That is low... as a dirty... *snake* / [[Beef composes himself a little.]]
/ Roast Beef: Uh Ray excuse me what was that about my mother / [[Cut to Ray, still trying to find the right thing to say in
/ the
/ WALK THE WALK
/ TALK THE TALK (TM)
/ guide to
/ THE COMPUTER
/ LIFESTYLE]]
/ Ray: Um... uh... one sec--
/ "All I'm saying is, we used to share an algo-rhythm!" / [[Close-up of a page in Ray's book. The instructions are expressed as an if-then programming routine.
/ if COMPUTER PERSON
/ seems CONFUSED
/ then
/ *say.joke*
/ {"All I'm saying is, we used to share an *algo-rhythm*!"
/ } / // wait for laughter / * = "algorithm" - see Glossary]] / [[Cut back to Beef, more perplexed and annoyed than angry now.]]
/ Roast Beef: Whoah hold on I don't get it
/ Are you sayin' that you were married to my mom before my dad was
/ Cause that is a hella weird thing for a friend to say / [[Cut back to Ray, fumbling with his book.]]
/ Ray: No! No! Roast Beef! Uh...uh...hold on! Um...uh...
/ Listen! uh...jeez...Oh!
/ "I once married a Chinese chick because I heard they were okay with small ones!" http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08232002 |
| Achewood - August 23, 2004 | [[Roast Beef is shown in negative, wearing a shirt and tie, as well as eyeglasses, a wig and moustache. A microphone is placed in front of him.]]
/ [[Title card: ROAST BEEF'S... THEATRE OF THOUGHTS]] / [[The scene switches from negative back to normal colors, as Roast Beef stands in front of the microphone.]] / [[Roast Beef begins speaking into the mic.]]
/ Roast Beef: Excuse me / Roast Beef: I would like to announce
/ Roast Beef: That if any more bands get famous simply by covering songs off of Disintegration / Roast Beef: I am gonna take four shits and die / Roast Beef: Also
/ Roast Beef: Anyone born after the McD.L.T. has no business stomping around acting punk rock http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08232004 |
| Achewood - August 23, 2005 | Roast Beef (thought bubble): Oh dang man some nasty old belly button lint / Roast Beef (thought bubble): I wonder what my belly button even looks like up close anyway / [[Roast Beef looks in a drawer]]
/ Roast Beef (thought bubble): Hm no magnifying glass / Roast Beef (thought bubble): Nobody's around maybe I'll just use the scanner / [[Roast Beef lies belly-down on the scanner]]
/ Roast Beef (thought bubble): Jesus / Ray (In Roast Beef's thought bubble): Well, if this don't seal the deal! OUT! Get OUT of my house! NOT my friend! / Molly (In Roast Beef's thought bubble): No wonder you never call! Well, I hope she's warm, 'cause I certainly won't be after I die of shame! / [[The door opens and Roast Beef looks back over his shoulder]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08232005 |
| Achewood - August 23, 2005 | Roast Beef (thought bubble): Oh dang man some nasty old belly button lint / [[Roast Beef squints one eye closed and looks at belly button]]
/ Roast Beef (thought bubble): I wonder what my belly button even looks like up close anyway / [[Roast Beef looks in a drawer]]
/ Roast Beef (thought bubble): Hm no magnifying glass / Roast Beef (thought bubble): Nobody's around maybe I'll just use the scanner / [[Roast Beef lies belly-down on the scanner]]
/ Roast Beef (thought bubble): Jesus / [[Roast Beef considers the possible reactions from his friends while the scanner scans his belly]]
/ Ray (In Roast Beef's thought bubble): Well, if this don't seal the deal! OUT! Get OUT of my house! NOT my friend!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08232005 |
| Roast Beef bangs a website | Roast Beef (thought bubble): Oh dang man some nasty old belly button lint / Roast Beef (thought bubble): I wonder what my belly button even looks like up close anyway / [[Roast Beef looks in a drawer]]
/ Roast Beef (thought bubble): Hm no magnifying glass / Roast Beef (thought bubble): Nobody's around maybe I'll just use the scanner / [[Roast Beef lies belly-down on the scanner]]
/ Roast Beef (thought bubble): Jesus / Ray (In Roast Beef's thought bubble): Well, if this don't seal the deal! OUT! Get OUT of my house! NOT my friend!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08232005 |
| Achewood - August 23, 2006 | [[Roast Beef is on the phone with Téodor]] / RB: Dogg Téodor help I accidentally spent all afternoon watchin' video clips of rally cars plowin' into crowds and I promised to cook a special meal for Molly tonight ! / RB: Dude I don't know just tell me what cooks fast and is extremely special ! / RB: No man pork chops are too crass for a lady they are a low dish of dudes / ... / Dogg you know I ain't got the kind of mind it takes to cook frittata you know I got no sense of eggs YOU KNOW I GOT NO SENSE OF EGGS ! / RB: Sorry man I'm just all worked up from these videos I mean they got heads poppin' off and dudes just getting creamed fifty at a time and this one ldy even was holding a baby but like this skidding Renault destroyed both of them-- / RB: Man I know it ain't smart for me to watch clips like that I mean now I can't even open the oven door without worrying' that a rally car is gonna come shootin' out at me ! / RB: Man I ain't gonna call Waiters On Wheels what if I open the front door and a rally car comes shootin' in at me ! ? / [[Image from Beef's imagination standing in the open door of his house, mouth agape, from the perspective of a driver inside a Renault rally car]] / {{Comic links to http://www.lookatentertainment.com/car_accidents.htm?page=1}} / {{http://www.lookatentertainment.com/car_accidents.htm?page=1 - this website is how you will spend the rest of your day}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08232006 |
| Philippe Solves Homelessness | [[Roast Beef, wearing a tie, and Philippe, wearing a tie as well as a newspaper hat, are seated at a table. Roast Beef has paper and pen.]]
/ Beef: Okay Philippe when you run for President you got to be able to say opinions on subjects at the drop of a hat
/ Philippe: Cool! / Beef: So I am gonna say some ideas and then you say your opinions okay
/ Philippe: Okay! Say ideas! / Beef: Racism
/ Philippe: Italian people are nice! / Beef: The Homeless
/ Philippe: There should be a place where they can shave and go potty! / [[Ray appears behind the two.]]
/ Ray: How's the campaign coming, m'blokes?
/ Philippe: Hi Ray! We need to take care of homeless people! / Ray: Damn, good idea! How about we promise that as long as Philippe's president, all homeless people can stay at Motel 6? My treat!
/ Philippe: And they win a free George Foreman grill!
/ [[Roast Beef clenches his eyes in frustration.]] / {{alt-text: Ray presents the mother of all band-aids}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08242004 |
| Achewood - August 24, 2005 | [[Teodor is walking down a hall, past a door]] / [[A voice comes from inside the door, Teodor stops and listens]]
/ Voice: If you would like more of the soda you can have more of the soda / [[Teodor continues listening]]
/ Voice: No it didn't cost too much it only cost a little bit so help yourself. / [[Teodor listens closer with his hand on the door]]
/ Voice: Your shirt is very pretty by the way. / [[Teodor considers who is behind the door]]
/ Teodor (in thought): Is that Nice Pete? What's he doing in our garage? / [[Teodor continues listening]]
/ Voice: Me? Oh well uh I'm a good man and decent.
/ Voice: At least I play one on TV.
/ Voice: Heh heh. / [[Teodor listens, and there is no voice]] / [[Teodor listens as the voice returns]]
/ Voice: Um...
/ Voice: Why didn't you laugh / [[Teodor continues listening]]
/ Voice: It hurts me that you did not like my joke.
/ Voice: It...I don't know..it makes me extremely angry
/ Voice: Like you think I have a low mind. / [[Teodor continues listening, visibily agitated]]
/ Voice: I can't have you out there telling people about this now can I / [[Teodor reaches for the doorknob as the voice continues]]
/ Voice: I with more than anything I didn't have to do this.
/ Voice: You are so pretty.
/ Teodor: Gasp! / [[Teodor opens the door to reveal Nice Pete under a light fixture with a rubber chicken in his hand, a butcher knife in the other]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08242005 |
| Achewood - August 24, 2006 | [[An excerpt from Beef's 'Zine #2 - The Sex Issue]] / Erotic Fiction by Ed E. "Steam Keys" Haskell / J-Boy laid back on the couch, naked as hell, and twice as horny. Maria, insane with ass, did Miami claps with her booty. This made J-Boy say that she was so hot. The words came out of his mouth before he knew what was happening. She had her perfectly identical breasts going this way and that. It was about eighty-five degrees, and their bodies naturally produced a cooling layer of sweat. / J-Boy took a hit of marijuana from a small bong shaped like a chisel-tip marker. He liked to think that if the police ever came to his house, they would just see the bong as a school supply. He blew the smoke up in Maria's face, only she wasn't there. She had gone to turn up the music on the CD player. It was Jah Rhyme's ultra-club mix of Da Riggy, fast and pulsating with beats. He set the bong aside to a place where it was unlikely to get knocked over and spill its smelly water on the floor, as that would ruin the sex energy of the room. / Maria came back over to the couch, only he was no longer there. She heard sounds coming from the apartment's small kitchen. If she knew anything, she knew that that was where he had gone. The apartment had three rooms, and was hard to hide in. Also, why would he hide from her? He wouldn't. He had said so, earlier, when she had shown up at his door. / She walked her sexy legs into the kitchen, and saw that he was breaking some eggs into a pan. The microwave showed that it was cooking something for thirty minutes, so she asked about that. Oh, he said. That was supposed to be three minutes. My bad. / The eggs sizzled in the pan. He pointed to a poster for a movie that had be out about twelve years ago. The movie had been adapted from a novel his grandpa had written, he said. She looked at the poster. "From a novel by Sheldon Handler," part of the credits read. J-Boy's last name was Handler? She hadn't known. / J-Boy ate a snack of eggs, cooked a little too long so that they had brown lacy crust on both sides, and microwaved hashbrown potatoes, which were clearish-white and extremely sticky. He sucked down a Molson, and then another, for energy. For fun. They hadn't been in the fridge yet, and so they foamed a bunch: [italics]aww yeah.[/italics] He watched twelve minutes of Breed All About It on Animal Planet and fell asleep. In the bathroom, Maria Googled his family on his wireless laptop. Then she looked at MySpace pages of people who had an interest in his grandfathers novel. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08242006 |
| Achewood - August 24, 2007 - The Butcher's Diagram | [[Phillipe is looking at a diagram entitled "Beef showing various cuts", which has been placed on an easel]]
/ Phillipe: Well! What a fancy drawing of a cow with dotted lines separating all the main steaks! A very nice present! / [[Phillipe, black marker in hand, examines himself in a hand mirror]]
/ Phillipe: I wonder what I would look like in a diagram like that... / SOON...
/ [[Phillipe has drawn a black, dotted-line box around his face, similar to the divisions in the cow diagram]] / [[Phillipe approaches Téodor, who is sitting at his desk]]
/ Phillipe: Téodor, what happens to animals' faces after we eat their meat parts?
/ Téodor: They get made into dog food.
/ [[Phillipe begins to imagine]] / [[An open can of ALPO brand PRIME CUTS]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08242007 |
| Achewood - August 24, 2007 - The Butcher's Diagram | [[Phillipe is looking at a diagram entitled "Beef showing various cuts", which has been placed on an easel]]
/ Phillipe: Well! What a fancy drawing of a cow with dotted lines separating all the main steaks! A very nice present! / [[Phillipe, black marker in hand, examines himself in a hand mirror]]
/ Phillipe: I wonder what I would look like in a diagram like that... / SOON...
/ [[Phillipe has drawn a black, dotted-line box around his face, similar to the divisions in the cow diagram]] / [[Phillipe approaches Téodor, who is sitting at his desk]]
/ Phillipe: Téodor, what happens to animals' faces after we eat their meat parts?
/ Téodor: They get made into dog food.
/ [[Phillipe begins to imagine]] / [[An open can of ALPO brand PRIME CUTS]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08242007 |
| Spring Loaded Wooden Dog | [[Ray, dressed in a suit like Mark Twain's, is outside next to the "time machine"]]
/ Mark Twain: I inquired as to the origination of Ray and Philippe's time-traveling machine.
/ Ray: Oh, that? I got it off eBay. It's like an auction-type deal that you do on the computer. / [[Close up of Ray rubbing his chin]]
/ Mark Twain: Not familiar with this "computer," I asked if Ray might elaborate upon the subject.
/ Ray: Oh, uh...computers are kind of like... they're like a machine that is really smart and can play chess with you and stuff. / [[Ray is standing with his head turned to the right. His right hand in his jacket pocket]]
/ Mark Twain: I marveled at the idea of a futuristic society in which chess was so popular that a miraculous machine had been constructed to satiate that very need. / [[Photograph of David Schwimmer in a tuxedo from the chest up]]
/ Mark Twain: If America's intellectual prospects are in fact this bright, it beats my private prediction that our citizens will come to be solely and raptly entertained by a spring-loaded wooden dog who eternally lands a nickel on his nose. / {{alt text: Also popular: a robber-clown in greasepaint; the policeman's gun shoots a flag that says BANG}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08252003 |
| Achewood - August 25, 2004 | [[ It's nighttime and we see the outside of Beef's Grandma's trailer. There is a folded up chair leaning against the wall. ]]
/ Someone in the trailer: Do you think you'll ever want to move out of this trailer, Beef? / [[ Roast Beef and Molly are lying on a mattress ( the mattress is just sitting on the floor, no box spring, no nothing). Molly is looking at Beef, waiting for his response. A lamp sits on a box next to the mattress. ]]
/ Beef: Oh no uh definitely not / Sharin' a bathroom with Gramma is the Stuff / [[ Molly looks optimistic ]]
/ Molly: Seriously! We could afford it.
/ Beef: Hold on now you have basically indicated that you want us to have our own place / [[ Beef and Molly are looking at eachother ]]
/ Molly: It wouldn't be so bad, would it? We could decorate it ourselves, I could cook you dinner, pour you a glass of wine...
/ Beef: Man she makes it sound all sing-song but I'm sure there would be all kinds of instances / [[ Beef stares at the ceiling ]]
/ Beef: Roast Beef please don't build a model boat on the dinner table I just set a nice bowl of peaches perfectly in the middle of it / [[ Beef is still staring at the ceiling ]]
/ Beef: I think it is time we talked about how you like Soundgarden even though I have told you that it is not a good band / Oh hell no you are not having red meat again today and do not DARE open a beer / You can not have a car http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08252004 |
| Achewood - August 25, 2004 | [[ It's nighttime and we see the outside of Beef's Grandma's trailer. There is a folded up chair leaning against the wall. ]]
/ Someone in the trailer: Do you think you'll ever want to move out of this trailer, Beef? / [[ Roast Beef and Molly are lying on a mattress ( the mattress is just sitting on the floor, no box spring, no nothing). Molly is looking at Beef, waiting for his response. A lamp sits on a box next to the mattress. ]]
/ Beef: Oh no uh definitely not / Sharin' a bathroom with Gramma is the Stuff / [[ Molly looks optimistic ]]
/ Molly: Seriously! We could afford it.
/ Beef: Hold on now you have basically indicated that you want us to have our own place / [[ Beef and Molly are looking at eachother ]]
/ Molly: It wouldn't be so bad, would it? We could decorate it ourselves, I could cook you dinner, pour you a glass of wine...
/ Beef: Man she makes it sound all sing-song but I'm sure there would be all kinds of instances / [[ Beef stares at the ceiling ]]
/ Beef: Roast Beef please don't build a model boat on the dinner table I just set a nice bowl of peaches perfectly in the middle of it / [[ Beef is still staring at the ceiling ]]
/ Beef: I think it is time we talked about how you like Soundgarden even though I have told you that it is not a good band / Oh hell no you are not having red meat again today and do not DARE open a beer / You can not have a car / {{ Don't you DARE buy a wooden model ship kit you KNOW better }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08252004 |
| Achewood - August 25, 2004 | [[ It's nighttime and we see the outside of Beef's Grandma's trailer. There is a folded up chair leaning against the wall. ]]
/ Molly: Do you think you'll ever want to move out of this trailer, Beef? / [[ Roast Beef and Molly are lying on a mattress ( the mattress is just sitting on the floor, no box spring, no nothing). Molly is looking at Beef, waiting for his response. A lamp sits on a box next to the mattress. ]]
/ Beef: Oh no uh definitely not
/ Sharin' a bathroom with Gramma is the Stuff / [[ Molly looks optimistic ]]
/ Molly: Seriously! We could afford it.
/ Beef: Hold on now you have basically indicated that you want us to have our own place / [[ Beef and Molly are looking at each other ]]
/ Molly: It wouldn't be so bad, would it? We could decorate it ourselves, I could cook you dinner, pour you a glass of wine...
/ Beef: Man she makes it sound all sing-song but I'm sure there would be all kinds of instances / [[ Beef stares at the ceiling ]]
/ Beef {{thinking}}: Roast Beef please don't build a model boat on the dinner table I just set a nice bowl of peaches perfectly in the middle of it / [[ Beef is still staring at the ceiling ]]
/ Beef {{thinking}}: I think it is time we talked about how you like Soundgarden even though I have told you that it is not a good band
/ Oh hell no you are not having red meat again today and do not DARE open a beer
/ You can not have a car http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08252004 |
| Achewood - August 25, 2005 - HYPER-SPAM IN E-MAIL DIMENSION 9 | {{Title in Pixellated Letters}} ROAST BEEF BATTLES HYPER-SPAM IN E-MAIL DIMENSION 9 / [[Roast Beef, wearing a futuristic helmet, goggles, and spiked shoulderpads, holding a small square device with an antenna]]
/ {{Pixellated letters that Roast beef reads from the screen of the device}}RECEIVING MESSAGE 1 OF 1...
/ STATUS 80% COMPLETE...
/ 90%... / [[Roast Beef, ducking down and backwards]]
/ {{Larger Pixellated letters}}NYMPHO PEE PEE TEENS HAVE MORTGAGED IT ALL TO UPDATE THEIR PAYPAL ACCOUNT SETTINGS!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08252005 |
| Achewood - August 25, 2006 | [[ Ray enters the house carrying several bags. Teodor sits and reads]] / Ray: Man, I just got back from the grocery store. I am goin' crazy.
/ Teodor: What? How come? / Ray: It's like, every goddamn product go to have some kind of deal or promotion! Why can't a product just sit on the damn shelf and be quiet? / Ray: "Get a free DVD of Shrek 2 with this box of cake powder. Half off tickets to Disneyland if you drink this coke. Get a free pound of shredded meat if you mail back this bar of soap." / Ray: Jesus Christ, already! I'm afraid to buy a new dish sponge 'cause I might win a phone call from INXS! Man, I ain't got nothin' to say to those guys! / Teodor: It sounds like you're annoyed.
/ Ray: I-Teodor! Don't sass me when I'm grumpy! I'll have you slayed! / Teodor: When was the last time you even went on a date?
/ Ray: I-this ain't that, dude! I am mad about what I SAID I am mad about! Packages! / Teodor: You've got money. Call a prostitute. Quit yelling about groceries. / Ray: No way, dude. Last time I called a prostitute she didn't wear enough deodorant and I couldn't make anything happen. What if I get the same one? Or what if I have a reputation?! / Teodor: My go, Ray! I'LL blow you if it'll shut you up for five seconds! / Ray: Nah, man. If you went down on me, I'd probably just talk the whole time to keep it from gettin' awkward. / How That Would Go:
/ [[Ray sits in the large chair and the top of Teodor's head can be seen near his junk]]
/ Ray: So, like, you know me. Ain't never been too much into the vegetarian thing. But check this out, I was over at Mayor C's last night, and he grilled up these portobello mushroom kebabs? Man, that stuff tasted INSANE. I had no idea you could get that kind of flavor from a mushroom. I'm thinkin' of doin' some tonight if you want to hang around. / [[Teodor gives a thumbs up]]
/ Ray: Right on, man. I gott warn you, thse things are addictive. I think I put away like six or seven just by myself.
/ Ray: Nice work down there, by the way. Can I get you a soda or anything? I mean, I should have gotten you a soda. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08252006 |
| Achewood - August 25, 2006 | [[ Ray enters the house carrying several bags. Teodor sits and reads]] / Ray: Man, I just got back from the grocery store. I am goin' crazy.
/ Teodor: What? How come? / Ray: It's like, every goddamn product go to have some kind of deal or promotion! Why can't a product just sit on the damn shelf and be quiet? / Ray: "Get a free DVD of Shrek 2 with this box of cake powder. Half off tickets to Disneyland if you drink this coke. Get a free pound of shredded meat if you mail back this bar of soap." / Ray: Jesus Christ, already! I'm afraid to buy a new dish sponge 'cause I might win a phone call from INXS! Man, I ain't got nothin' to say to those guys! / Teodor: It sounds like you're annoyed.
/ Ray: I-Teodor! Don't sass me when I'm grumpy! I'll have you slayed! / Teodor: When was the last time you even went on a date?
/ Ray: I-this ain't that, dude! I am mad about what I SAID I am mad about! Packages! / Teodor: You've got money. Call a prostitute. Quit yelling about groceries. / Ray: No way, dude. Last time I called a prostitute she didn't wear enough deodorant and I couldn't make anything happen. What if I get the same one? Or what if I have a reputation?! / Teodor: My go, Ray! I'LL blow you if it'll shut you up for five seconds! / Ray: Nah, man. If you went down on me, I'd probably just talk the whole time to keep it from gettin' awkward. / How That Would Go:
/ [[Ray sits in the large chair and the top of Teodor's head can be seen near his junk]]
/ Ray: So, like, you know me. Ain't never been too much into the vegetarian thing. But check this out, I was over at Mayor C's last night, and he grilled up these portobello mushroom kebabs? Man, that stuff tasted INSANE. I had no idea you could get that kind of flavor from a mushroom. I'm thinkin' of doin' some tonight if you want to hang around. / [[Teodor gives a thumbs up]]
/ Ray: Right on, man. I gott warn you, thse things are addictive. I think I put away like six or seven just by myself.
/ Ray: Nice work down there, by the way. Can I get you a soda or anything? I mean, I should have gotten you a soda. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08252006 |
| Achewood - August 25, 2006 | [[ Ray enters the house carrying several bags. Teodor sits and reads]] / Ray: Man, I just got back from the grocery store. I am goin' crazy.
/ Teodor: What? How come? / Ray: It's like, every goddamn product go to have some kind of deal or promotion! Why can't a product just sit on the damn shelf and be quiet? / Ray: "Get a free DVD of Shrek 2 with this box of cake powder. Half off tickets to Disneyland if you drink this coke. Get a free pound of shredded meat if you mail back this bar of soap." / Ray: Jesus Christ, already! I'm afraid to buy a new dish sponge 'cause I might win a phone call from INXS! Man, I ain't got nothin' to say to those guys! / Teodor: It sounds like you're annoyed.
/ Ray: I-Teodor! Don't sass me when I'm grumpy! I'll have you slayed! / Teodor: When was the last time you even went on a date?
/ Ray: I-this ain't that, dude! I am mad about what I SAID I am mad about! Packages! / Teodor: You've got money. Call a prostitute. Quit yelling about groceries. / Ray: No way, dude. Last time I called a prostitute she didn't wear enough deodorant and I couldn't make anything happen. What if I get the same one? Or what if I have a reputation?! / Teodor: My go, Ray! I'LL blow you if it'll shut you up for five seconds! / Ray: Nah, man. If you went down on me, I'd probably just talk the whole time to keep it from gettin' awkward. / How That Would Go:
/ [[Ray sits in the large chair and the top of Teodor's head can be seen near his junk]]
/ Ray: So, like, you know me. Ain't never been too much into the vegetarian thing. But check this out, I was over at Mayor C's last night, and he grilled up these portobello mushroom kebabs? Man, that stuff tasted INSANE. I had no idea you could get that kind of flavor from a mushroom. I'm thinkin' of doin' some tonight if you want to hang around. / [[Teodor gives a thumbs up]]
/ Ray: Right on, man. I gott warn you, thse things are addictive. I think I put away like six or seven just by myself.
/ Ray: Nice work down there, by the way. Can I get you a soda or anything? I mean, I should have gotten you a soda. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08252006 |
| Achewood - August 25, 2006 | [[ Ray enters the house carrying several bags. Teodor sits and reads]] / Ray: Man, I just got back from the grocery store. I am goin' crazy.
/ Teodor: What? How come? / Ray: It's like, every goddamn product go to have some kind of deal or promotion! Why can't a product just sit on the damn shelf and be quiet? / Ray: "Get a free DVD of Shrek 2 with this box of cake powder. Half off tickets to Disneyland if you drink this coke. Get a free pound of shredded meat if you mail back this bar of soap." / Ray: Jesus Christ, already! I'm afraid to buy a new dish sponge 'cause I might win a phone call from INXS! Man, I ain't got nothin' to say to those guys! / Teodor: It sounds like you're annoyed.
/ Ray: I-Teodor! Don't sass me when I'm grumpy! I'll have you slayed! / Teodor: When was the last time you even went on a date?
/ Ray: I-this ain't that, dude! I am mad about what I SAID I am mad about! Packages! / Teodor: You've got money. Call a prostitute. Quit yelling about groceries. / Ray: No way, dude. Last time I called a prostitute she didn't wear enough deodorant and I couldn't make anything happen. What if I get the same one? Or what if I have a reputation?! / Teodor: My go, Ray! I'LL blow you if it'll shut you up for five seconds! / Ray: Nah, man. If you went down on me, I'd probably just talk the whole time to keep it from gettin' awkward. / How That Would Go:
/ [[Ray sits in the large chair and the top of Teodor's head can be seen near his junk]]
/ Ray: So, like, you know me. Ain't never been too much into the vegetarian thing. But check this out, I was over at Mayor C's last night, and he grilled up these portobello mushroom kebabs? Man, that stuff tasted INSANE. I had no idea you could get that kind of flavor from a mushroom. I'm thinkin' of doin' some tonight if you want to hang around. / [[Teodor gives a thumbs up]]
/ Ray: Right on, man. I gott warn you, thse things are addictive. I think I put away like six or seven just by myself.
/ Ray: Nice work down there, by the way. Can I get you a soda or anything? I mean, I should have gotten you a soda. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08252006 |
| Achewood - August 25, 2006 | [[ Ray enters the house carrying several bags. Teodor sits and reads]] / Ray: Man, I just got back from the grocery store. I am goin' crazy.
/ Teodor: What? How come? / Ray: It's like, every goddamn product go to have some kind of deal or promotion! Why can't a product just sit on the damn shelf and be quiet? / Ray: "Get a free DVD of Shrek 2 with this box of cake powder. Half off tickets to Disneyland if you drink this coke. Get a free pound of shredded meat if you mail back this bar of soap." / Ray: Jesus Christ, already! I'm afraid to buy a new dish sponge 'cause I might win a phone call from INXS! Man, I ain't got nothin' to say to those guys! / Teodor: It sounds like you're annoyed.
/ Ray: I-Teodor! Don't sass me when I'm grumpy! I'll have you slayed! / Teodor: When was the last time you even went on a date?
/ Ray: I-this ain't that, dude! I am mad about what I SAID I am mad about! Packages! / Teodor: You've got money. Call a prostitute. Quit yelling about groceries. / Ray: No way, dude. Last time I called a prostitute she didn't wear enough deodorant and I couldn't make anything happen. What if I get the same one? Or what if I have a reputation?! / Teodor: My go, Ray! I'LL blow you if it'll shut you up for five seconds! / Ray: Nah, man. If you went down on me, I'd probably just talk the whole time to keep it from gettin' awkward. / How That Would Go:
/ [[Ray sits in the large chair and the top of Teodor's head can be seen near his junk]]
/ Ray: So, like, you know me. Ain't never been too much into the vegetarian thing. But check this out, I was over at Mayor C's last night, and he grilled up these portobello mushroom kebabs? Man, that stuff tasted INSANE. I had no idea you could get that kind of flavor from a mushroom. I'm thinkin' of doin' some tonight if you want to hang around. / [[Teodor gives a thumbs up]]
/ Ray: Right on, man. I gott warn you, thse things are addictive. I think I put away like six or seven just by myself.
/ Ray: Nice work down there, by the way. Can I get you a soda or anything? I mean, I should have gotten you a soda. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08252006 |
| Achewood - August 25, 2008 | [[This is an illustrated flow-chart. Each line of dialogue represents the text of one box or the text of one link]]
/ [[There are three distinct branches, none of which branch further. They are presented each in their entirety from left to right]]
/ A ROD HUGGINS DECISION-MAKING FLOWCHART
/ 9AM, BED. PAT IS NUZZLING YOU BETWEEN THE SHOULDER BLADES. INTERESTED? / [[link]] NO
/ [[box]] MAKE EXCUSE: "I'M TIRED, PUDDING LIPS"
/ [[box]][[picture of worried-looking Pat]]"You've been tired a lot lately. I want to finally get your glycemic index checked."
/ [[box]][SIGH] FINE, YOU WIN. HERE YOU GO, HAVE AT IT. [THROW SHEET OFF OF BODY, CINCH SLEEP MASK DRAWSTRING] / [[link]]MAYBE
/ [[box]]EARN IT, HONEY KNEES
/ [[link]]PAT STARTS TO EARN IT
/ [[box]](Pat returns with Pilgrim's Pantry breakfast #7, as well as a dessert cruller with a dripping mocha and a tublet of lemon curd) =EARNED= / [[link]]YES
/ [[link]]CHOOSE ONE FROM COLUMN "A"
/ [[This is a table with alternating gray and white cells each with a food item]]A.
/ Sugar
/ Sherry
/ Cream
/ Biscuit
/ Vanilla
/ Custard
/ Pain Au Chocolat
/ Pudding
/ Gelato
/ Clafouti
/ Ganache
/ Pot-de-
/ Gazpacho*
/ [[link]]ONE FROM COLUMN "B"
/ [[This is a table with alternating gray and white cells each with a body part or some other object]]B.
/ Finger
/ Lips
/ Mouth
/ Face
/ Eyes
/ Nose
/ Buns
/ Root
/ Mien
/ Schwanz
/ Tongue
/ Kisses
/ Hammer
/ [[box]]MMMYES, GAZPACHO BUNS?
/ [[link]][[picture of annoyed-looking Pat]]"Now THAT'S picturesque."
/ [[box]]SORRY, SUGAR HAMMER. I JUST WOKE UP.
/ [[link]][[picture of disgusted-looking Pat]]"Ugh! That breath! Did you not brush your teeth after eating all of that smoked salmon last night?"
/ [[box]]WOULD YOU SCRUB THE MONA LISA WITH TURPENTINE?
/ [[link]][[picture of angry-looking Pat]]"I'd send the bitch packing if she came to bed with a chum oven like yours."
/ [[box]]YOU KNOW I MIGHT ACTUALLY BRUSH HERE IF YOUR STUPID TOM'S OF MAINE TOOTHPASTE DIDN'T TASTE LIKE RECLAIMED KENNEL CAULK! / [[Picture of Rod Huggins wearing a kimono-like robe, wearing what appears to be geisha makeup and holding two fans, one over his shoulder and one over his head. There is a chair with...something...on it, a power outlet, and a shoe in the background]]
/ [[Caption: PHOTO CREDIT: PATRICK REYNOLDS copyright 2008]] / *Rod makes a special dispensation on this list of sweets for gazpacho, one of the few vegan dishes which he can enjoy with Pat. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08252008 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08252009">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08252009 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Cornelius Bear's Diary Entry | [[DIARY STRIP: CORNELIUS BEAR, AUGUST 26, 2003]] / Mr. Bear: 5:35AM: While I waited for my morning muffin to toast, I thought I'd gamely rinse out the dirty frying pan someone had left on the stove the night before. / Mr. Bear: Funny, I don't remember anyone making anything with coconut last night! / Mr. Bear: Upon closer inspection, the shreds of coconut revealed themselves to be tiny white, writhing worms. / Mr. Bear: Aghast, I dropped the pan. All of a sudden I saw a hundred more tiny worms (maggots, actually) writhing all over the stovetop. / Mr. Bear: From above, another fell onto the stove's surface. With great trepidation I looked ever so slowly upward... / Mr. Bear: ...until my eyes came to rest on a high shelf, where between a few cans of chicken stock I could see the top of a mousetrap I had set many weeks before. / {{alt text: Down the back of the cupboard ran a waterfall of maggots}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08262003 |
| Cornelius Bear's Diary Entry | [[DIARY STRIP: CORNELIUS BEAR, AUGUST 23, 2003]] / [[Mr. Bear in a bathrobe reaching for a frying pan on the stove]]
/ Mr. Bear: 5:35AM: While I waited for my morning muffin to toast, I thought I'd gamely rinse out the dirty frying pan someone had left on the stove the night before. / [[Mr. Bear looking into the frying pan]]
/ Mr. Bear: Funny, I don't remember anyone making anything with coconut last night! / [[Close up of frying pan covered in tiny white things]]
/ Mr. Bear: Upon closer inspection, the shreds of coconut revealed themselves to be tiny white, writhing worms. / [[A stovetop covered in the same white things that covered the pan]]
/ Mr. Bear: Aghast, I dropped the pan. All of a sudden I saw a hundred more tiny worms (maggots, actually) writhing all over the stovetop. / [[A close up of a maggot falling onto the stovetop]]
/ Mr. Bear: From above, another fell onto the stove's surface. With great trepidation I looked ever so slowly upward... / [[A mousetrap containing a dead mouse is lying on a shelf. Maggots fall from the dead mouse]]
/ Mr. Bear: ...until my eyes came to rest on a high shelf, where between a few cans of chicken stock I could see the top of a mousetrap I had set many weeks before. / {{alt text: Down the back of the cupboard ran a waterfall of maggots}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08262003 |
| Achewood - August 26, 2005 | [[Ray and Roast Beef (who's wearing a shirt and tie) walk]]
/ Ray: Well, I'm thinkin' about gettin' me some nipple rings. You know? / Roast Beef: Dang somethin' about that don't quite seem like you Ray
/ Ray: Serious? How come? / Roast Beef: Well nipple rings almost seems like you 'cause you got kind of a "hey, man" attitude
/ Ray: Uh-huh. Right. / Roast Beef: But then you also got like a more sophisticated thing goin' on
/ Ray: Nipple rings can be sophisticated. Think Sean Connery. / Roast Beef: No I think they mean more like I'm Dangerous / [[Roast Beef solo in frame]]
/ Roast Beef: Nipple rings say to a lady "yeah listen lady you can't tell whether on our second date I am gonna make you a thoughtful vegetarian curry meal... / Roast Beef: "...or punch the front of your throat and sell you to Social Distortion" / [[Ray and Roast Beef together as before]]
/ Ray: Some women dig mystery, man. It's a thing.
/ Roast Beef: The only mystery about a date with you is why you just busted into the bedroom with a sheet cake and a raised eyebrow / {{alttext: The short, main cat loves to get horny about women sitting on cakes.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08262005 |
| Achewood - August 26, 2008 | [[Ray is flipping through Roast Beef's yearbook]]
/ Ray: Oh, man! Your senior high school photo is just slayin' me, Beef! Ha! Ha! Ha! / [[Photo of Roast Beef wearing a jacket and button-down shirt with hair like he's in the Cure or something, to include a downtrodden expression. Also half of the next photo]]
/ Caption: C. CAZENZATIS TIFFAN / [[Roast Beef is reading a magazine on a recliner in the next room, Ray is visible through the doorway in the background]]
/ Roast Beef: Dude please burn that book
/ Roast Beef: Can you believe I actually convinced my destitute-ass mom to shell out for the real sit-down portrait session like all the rest of you were gettin' / [[Young Roast Beef is on one knee, resting his arms on waist-high numbers reading "93!" with the same expression as in the yearbook photo]] / [[Young Roast Beef turns to someone out of frame and points at the upper left of the "93"]] / [[Young Roast Beef is now kneeling with one arm on the "93!" and the other holding up an apostrophe so that it reads "'93!"]] / [[Ray still in the other room holding the yearbook]]
/ Ray: How much Aqua Net did you have to use to get those two locks of hair to always line up all perfect on either side of your eye? / [[Roast Beef still in the chair with the magazine]]
/ Roast Beef: About five seconds each and then I'd set them with egg whites and a hidden toothpick stabilizer where the lock met the main hair mass.
/ Roast Beef: Not to mention all the spray for spiking ans detting the rest of that nest man I was up to four cans a week and more on weekends / Ray: You may gripe about my Caddy, but we losin' the Ice caps 'cause of you needin' to have Emotions Hair in high school.
/ Ray: Baby seal, man. Throat all caught in an Aqua Net six-pack yoke, flippers all lashed to its body by an unraveled mix tape titled "Tintern Supplicant"... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08262008 |
| Achewood - August 27, 2003 | Roast Beef: Hey Ray man where in hell did you go / Roast Beef: We got into some trouble tryin' to watch a movie your entertainment system
/ Lyle: Kill the flashlight! / Roast Beef: I tried just turnin' on the TV by usin' the button on the front but nothing happened. / Roast Beef: Then Lyle was all pressing buttons on that really wide remote with the big wheel.
/ Roast Beef: All of a sudden the TV said all of this stuff about how it was gonna restore to its defaults. / Roast Beef: That freaked me out real bad so I pulled the surge protector outta the wall. / Roast Beef: Then like one second later the phone rang and I almost had a dang old heart attack. / Roast Beef: It was some company asking if everything was alright with the entertainment system.
/ Roast Beef: I just hung up 'cause I didn't know what to say. / Roast Beef: Like a minute later the police showed up and dove up on the front lawn and everything.
/ Roast Beef: We tried to ditch out but the doors and windows had all locked themselves.
/ Roast Beef: We're all hid in the dumbwaiter so call back soon OK word. http://achewood.com/?date=08272003 |
| The Trouble With Ray's Entertainment Center | [[Dark, Roast Beef speaks on a phone. He is partially illuminated by a flashlight]]
/ Roast Beef: Hey Ray man where in hell did you go / Roast Beef: We got into some trouble tryin' to watch a movie on your entertainment system
/ Lyle: Kill the flashlight! / Roast Beef: I tried just turnin' on the TV by usin' the button on the front but nothing happened
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08272003 |
| Achewood - August 27, 2004 | [[This is an excerpt of the Achewood Cookbook. Like so, it features a cuttable frame for a probable custom filling book]]
/ Beer Can Chicken / Ray Says: "This is a recipe I always like to make when I have a special lady over. The bird cooks for about an hour and a half, during which time you can serve champagne and see where things lead. I often find that there is a point during the preparation at which you will sense that the lady has resigned herself to your power and charm. If this happens, just turn the oven off and forget about dinner. Throw the chicken away the next day." / Ingredients:
/ A 5-lb, chicken with all the guts teared out
/ 1 aluminum can of beer, half full
/ 1tsp onion powder
/ 1tsp garlic powder
/ 1/2tsp salt
/ 1/2tsp pepper
/ Spray oil
/ (It's not real complicated) / Procedure:
/ Preheat the oven to 400ºF. Line a small roasting pan with foil (shiny-side down). Pour all the seasonings into the beer can and stick it into the big butt opening of the chicken. See if the lady notices. Then sit the chicken upright, like he was in a chair, onto the roasting pan, using the beer can as his base. Spray his skin all over with the oil (this will make it crispy). Throw salt and pepper all over his skin and then stick him in the oven for like a hour and a half. The fluid and seasonings in the beer can will steam all up through the bird and flavor it, as well as keep it real moist. / Make sure that a meat thermometer stuck into the deepest part of the breast and deepest part of the thigh registers at least 160-170ºF. Juices should be clear and not pink. Let sit 10 minutes. / [[outside cutting frame]] / This recipe appears in both Volume I and the Achewood Cookbook. All bound volumes contain special print-only content. / {{alt text: If you don't own the printed collections, you are Lobby.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08272004 |
| Achewood - August 27, 2007 - Lyle in Traffic Court | Judge: Lyle Gabriel, this police report states that you made an illegal U-turn on the 1500 block of Elm Street. Mr. Gabriel, how do you plead? / Lyle: Not guilty, your Honor. I was just tryin' to hang a Larry when all of a sudden my...my arm got caught in the steerin' wheel. I never meant to flip a bitch. / Judge: The report also states that you declared yourself "all punked up on Jupiter oil" and claimed to "roll fifty deep."
/ Lyle: I...I was sober, sir. I don't know how any of that information can be considered actual. / SOON.
/ Judge: Lyle, I have evaluated your case. My ruling is that you are...an Asshole. / Judge: As such, you must notify--in person--all neighbors within a five block radius. You must also carry this card. / ** A7281320 80...
/ LYLE R.
/ GABRIEL
/ Registered
/ Asshole
/ California - 94526
/ 62 Achewood Ct. / THAT AFTERNOON.
/ Lyle: Hey, kid. I'm an asshole. Your parents around? / {{His parents are around, and they'll have some pretty serious questions.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08272007 |
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