You're browsing the archives of Achewood.
You can search these comics too.
show: [ full transcriptions | abridged transcriptions | just the first line ]
| Achewood - August 14, 2002 | [[Philippe is in his bed, having a nightmare]]
/ Philippe (asleep): Oh no! Alligators! Run, everybody!
/ Philippe: But don't worry, they're not too fast on land-- / Billy Idol: PHILIPPE?
/ Philippe (still asleep): OH MY GOD THEY'RE SO FAST / Billy Idol: PHILIPPE!
/ Billy Idol: WAKE UP LITTLE GUY!
/ Billy Idol: WAKE UP!
/ Philippe (asleep): Oh no! Why are my legs moving so slow?!
/ Philippe: HEEELLLP! / [[Philippe wakes up]]
/ Billy Idol: WAKE UP!
/ Philippe: Wha--? What's happening? / Billy Idol: YOU WERE HAVING A NIGHTMARE
/ Philippe: Will you turn on the lights please Billy?
/ Billy Idol: OKAY / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08142002 |
| Neapolitan Shooter Teaser | [[Single panel, a photograph of a Neapolitan shooter. Cocktail Recipes is present.]] / [[Caption: triple turd duece]]
/ [[Caption: Recipe by Ray Smuckles]] / {{alt text: Only 12 grams of saturated fat!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08142003 |
| Neapolitan Shooter Teaser | [[Single panel, a photograph of a Neapolitan shooter. Cocktail Recipes is present.]] / [[Caption: triple turd duece]]
/ [[Caption: Recipe by Ray Smuckles]] / {{alt text: Only 12 grams of saturated fat!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08142003 |
| Achewood - August 14, 2006 | [[Ray, Roast Beef, and Téodor outside Ray's Prime Time Records office]]
/ Ray: Where you no-name goons been? Pat's comin' outta the closet! This shit is better than Sopranos! / Roast Beef: Sorry uh we got caught up playin' basketball with Emeril and Spongebath you know how insatiable those dudes are
/ Anyhaps what's the latest / Ray: Pat saw the gay pics of himself and that gave him hella pause!
/ Roast Beef: That must have been like a sight outta his most private fantasies brought to life
/ All jarring / [[Pat and Simon inside Ray's office]]
/ Pat: I...I'm...it's like I'm taking off a lead diving suit! Oh my god, I can feel the anxiety falling away in...in shrouds!
/ Simon: Isn't it wonderful? Couldn't you just scream? / [[Ray et al listening outside]]
/ Pat: Oh my god, what if I did? I think I will!
/ Simon: Do it, son! Go ahead, scream! / [[No dialogue]] / [[Inside]]
/ Simon: ...What's the matter, son?
/ Pat: Oh, screaming is so "new fag." I hate those squealing, mincing, fluttery-fingered fairies who go so over the top when they first come out. They make the rest of us look terrible. / Simon: Well! Listen to you already!
/ Pat: I'm serious. It's like dressage: nobody makes it look worse than the amateurs. / [[Outside]]
/ Simon: Lighten up, Patrick! This is supposed to be a great day for you! / [[Inside]]
/ Pat: Lighten up? Lighten UP?! Do you realize the kind of crap I have to deal with now that I'm gay?
/ Whoo-boy, you don't leave THIS job at the office! / Simon: Patrick, you're supposed to feel liberated.
/ Pat: Liberated? When I can't teach school in Texas or rent a car in Alabama? You call that liberated?! / [[Pat leaving the office. A Looney Tunes-style dust cloud suggests the hasty retreat of Ray et al.]]
/ Pat: You've got your blinders on, Simon! You might think the world is just a great big place for you to buy belts and Sangiovese, but people like me take things a little more seriously!
/ E-mail me if you ever feel like doing something besides enjoying yourself!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08142006 |
| Achewood - August 14, 2006 | [[Ray, Roast Beef, and Téodor outside Ray's Prime Time Records office]]
/ Ray: Where you no-name goons been? Pat's comin' outta the closet! This shit is better than Sopranos! / Roast Beef: Sorry uh we got caught up playin' basketball with Emeril and Spongebath you know how insatiable those dudes are
/ Anyhaps what's the latest / Ray: Pat saw the gay pics of himself and that gave him hella pause!
/ Roast Beef: That must have been like a sight outta his most private fantasies brought to life
/ All jarring / [[Pat and Simon inside Ray's office]]
/ Pat: I...I'm...it's like I'm taking off a lead diving suit! Oh my god, I can feel the anxiety falling away in...in shrouds!
/ Simon: Isn't it wonderful? Couldn't you just scream? / [[Ray et al listening outside]]
/ Pat: Oh my god, what if I did? I think I will!
/ Simon: Do it, son! Go ahead, scream! / [[No dialogue]] / [[Inside]]
/ Simon: ...What's the matter, son?
/ Pat: Oh, screaming is so "new fag." I hate those squealing, mincing, fluttery-fingered fairies who go so over the top when they first come out. They make the rest of us look terrible. / Simon: Well! Listen to you already!
/ Pat: I'm serious. It's like dressage: nobody makes it look worse than the amateurs. / [[Outside]]
/ Simon: Lighten up, Patrick! This is supposed to be a great day for you! / [[Inside]]
/ Pat: Lighten up? Lighten UP?! Do you realize the kind of crap I have to deal with now that I'm gay?
/ Whoo-boy, you don't leave THIS job at the office! / Simon: Patrick, you're supposed to feel liberated.
/ Pat: Liberated? When I can't teach school in Texas or rent a car in Alabama? You call that liberated?! / [[Pat leaving the office. A Looney Tunes-style dust cloud suggests the hasty retreat of Ray et al.]]
/ Pat: You've got your blinders on, Simon! You might think the world is just a great big place for you to buy belts and Sangiovese, but people like me take things a little more seriously!
/ E-mail me if you ever feel like doing something besides enjoying yourself!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08142006 |
| Achewood - August 14, 2007 | Narrator: What did you think about today / Téodor: [[In bed]] < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08142007 |
| Achewood - August 15, 2002 | [[Phillipe is lying in bed, Chucklebot is staring at him.]]
/ Phillipe: Chucklebot? Are you ok? Chucklebot? / Billy Idol's Soul: YOU KNOW THIS ROBOT PHILLIPE
/ Phillipe: Yeah, it's Chucklebot! He's funny! But he usually isn't in my room at night. / Billy Idol's Soul: LOOK HIS BATTERY'S DEAD / [[Phillipe gets out of bed.]]
/ Phillipe: Here! I'll plug him into the wall so he can recharge! / [[Chucklebot comes to life.]] / Chucklebot: HEY I HEARD YOU MET BILLY IDOL. IS THAT TRUE? / HE IS SUCH A DISH. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08152002 |
| Achewood - August 15, 2002 | [[Phillipe is lying in bed, Chucklebot is staring at him.]]
/ Phillipe: Chucklebot? Are you ok? Chucklebot? / Billy Idol's Soul: YOU KNOW THIS ROBOT PHILLIPE
/ Phillipe: Yeah, it's Chucklebot! He's funny! But he usually isn't in my room at night. / Billy Idol's Soul: LOOK HIS BATTERY'S DEAD / [[Phillipe gets out of bed.]]
/ Phillipe: Here! I'll plug him into the wall so he can recharge! / [[Chucklebot comes to life.]] / Chucklebot: HEY I HEARD YOU MET BILLY IDOL IS THAT TRUE / Chucklebot: HE'S SUCH A DISH http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08152002 |
| The Dick Molecule | [[Roast Beef is on the phone to Ray]]
/ Roast Beef: Well why in hell don't you dress your damn self up instead of me / Roast Beef: How come I gotta be the one who gets made over / Roast Beef: It's 'cause I ain't got that big gut like you got ain't it / Roast Beef: Plus you probably want to marry me which is WEIRD / Roast Beef: And you probably want to get it on with me like a hundred times a day BESIDES / Ray: I don't want to get it on with you even half of a time, god dammit!
/ Ray: I wouldn't let a damn MOLECULE of my dick touch you! / {{alt text: Scientists have isolated the dick molecule}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08152003 |
| The Dick Molecule | [[The newly made over Roast Beef is on the phone to Ray]]
/ Roast Beef: Well why in hell don't you dress your damn self up instead of me / Roast Beef: How come I gotta be the one who gets made over / Roast Beef: It's 'cause I ain't got that big gut like you got ain't it / Roast Beef: Plus you probably want to marry me which is WEIRD / [[Roast Beef holds up free hand in emphasis of anger]]
/ Roast Beef: And you probably want to get it on with me like a hundred times a day BESIDES / [[Ray is lying on his side in bed]]
/ Ray: I don't want to get it on with you even half of a time, god dammit!
/ Ray: I wouldn't let a damn MOLECULE of my dick touch you! / {{alt text: Scientists have isolated the dick molecule}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08152003 |
| Achewood - August 15, 2005 | [[Ray's car]]
/ Ray: Yeah. He blew all the cash I gave him on smack and then came back to ruin my party. / [[Ray driving]]
/ Ray (on his phone): Oh, like whenever anyone would start to speak he'd go "Stop. Hammer Time!"
/ You wouldn't believe how pissed Mayor C was starting to get about it always bein' Hammer Time. I mean, the man's fifty. / [[A bucket from Kentucky Fried Chicken is visible in the passenger seat]]
/ Ray: Nah, I'm takin' him down to the Dementia Arms to clean up for a few days. / [[overhead shot of Todd passed out in the bottom of the bucket]]
/ Ray: No worries, I'll cover it. Cheaper in the long run, you know, or something to that effect. / [[Gates to the Dementia Arms; manor is visible behind the gate in the distance]]
/ Ray: Plus I hear they got a real good discount rehab track at this place. / [[Ray throws bucket out of his window]]
/ Ray: Bye, Todd! Have fun and get better, 'kay! / {{Alt-text: Have fun and get better!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08152005 |
| Achewood - August 15, 2008 | [[Cornelius bear is holding a martini, standing next to a couch. Teodor and Lyle are sitting on the couch and Teodor is holding a joint.]]
/ Teodor: Hey, come have a puff with us!
/ Lyle: Dude - no. / [[Teodor looks over at Lyle and Mr. Bear looks annoyed, with one eyebrow raised.]]
/ Teodor: Why not?
/ Lyle: He's a ninety-seven year old rookie! He's just gonna cough a bunch and then go on and on about the time he saw Duke Ellington in a magazine! / Mr. Bear: Lyle, my generation passed your generation the figurative "joint." Do you really think that marijuana first appeared on earth the day you were born?
/ [[Teodor is still holding the joint. Lyle looks surprised and bemused.]]
/ Lyle: Heh! Nah, but that'd be a pretty cool creation myth! / [[Lyle leaves, bottle in hand, pointing at them with the other hand.]]
/ Lyle: I'll see YOU two groin idiots...LATER! / [[Lyle is sitting at a drawing desk, unusually focused, with the bottle next to him.]]
/ FIRST, CALLIGRAPHY. (scritch scritch scritch)
/ [["The Story of Lyle" is shown in Gothic calligraphy, ornamented with iron crosses.]] / [[Now Lyle is at a computer, his brow furrowed in concentration.]]
/ THEN, WORD PROCESSING. (tap tap)
/ [[Type appears; each paragraph's beginning letter is about double the size of the others.]]
/ "This bitch is gonna blow," God said, looking at the screaming, glowing engine bay of the '57 Chevy Apache. It seemed demonically stuck at 8,000 RPM. "Stand the hell back." / [[More type.]] (tap tap tap)
/ Judas disobeyed God, and emptied his bottle of strong brown liquor into the gas tank.
/ "Fool, no!" God yelled, but it was too late. The truck exploded into one thousand flames. / [[Type continues.]] (tap tap tap)
/ When the smoke cleared, there sat a baby Tiger, already three years old.
/ God asked the child its name. Defiantly, the boy stuck up his fist and began to repeat, "ACE OF SPADES!"
/ [[Lyle holds up his left arm, middle finger extended.]] / {{title text: You know your life is gonna be rough if you are born three.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08152008 |
| Achewood - August 15, 2008 | [[Cornelius bear is holding a martini, standing next to a couch. Teodor and Lyle are sitting on the couch and Teodor is holding a joint.]]
/ Teodor: Hey, come have a puff with us!
/ Lyle: Dude - no. / [[Teodor looks over at Lyle and Mr. Bear looks annoyed, with one eyebrow raised.]]
/ Teodor: Why not?
/ Lyle: He's a ninety-seven year old rookie! He's just gonna cough a bunch and then go on and on about the time he saw Duke Ellington in a magazine! / Mr. Bear: Lyle, my generation passed your generation the figurative "joint." Do you really think that marijuana first appeared on earth the day you were born?
/ [[Teodor is still holding the joint. Lyle looks surprised and bemused.]]
/ Lyle: Heh! Nah, but that'd be a pretty cool creation myth! / [[Lyle leaves, bottle in hand, pointing at them with the other hand.]]
/ Lyle: I'll see YOU two groin idiots...LATER! / [[Lyle is sitting at a drawing desk, unusually focused, with the bottle next to him.]]
/ FIRST, CALLIGRAPHY. (scritch scritch scritch)
/ [["The Story of Lyle" is shown in Gothic calligraphy, ornamented with iron crosses.]] / [[Now Lyle is at a computer, his brow furrowed in concentration.]]
/ THEN, WORD PROCESSING. (tap tap)
/ [[Type appears; each paragraph's beginning letter is about double the size of the others.]]
/ "This bitch is gonna blow," God said, looking at the screaming, glowing engine bay of the '57 Chevy Apache. It seemed demonically stuck at 8,000 RPM. "Stand the hell back." / [[More type.]] (tap tap tap)
/ Judas disobeyed God, and emptied his bottle of strong brown liquor into the gas tank.
/ "Fool, no!" God yelled, but it was too late. The truck exploded into one thousand flames. / [[Type continues.]] (tap tap tap)
/ When the smoke cleared, there sat a baby Tiger, already three years old.
/ God asked the child its name. Defiantly, the boy stuck up his fist and began to repeat, "ACE OF SPADES!"
/ [[Lyle holds up his left arm, middle finger extended.]] / {{title text: You know your life is gonna be rough if you are born three.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08152008 |
| Achewood - August 16, 2002 | [[Philippe is in his Billy Idol phase]]
/ Philipe: But I thought you were a "Cyber-punk," Billy! How come you're scared of Chucklebot? / Soul of Billy Idol: Look bein' cyber has nothin' to do with robots necessarily / Philippe: Well how come you used to call yourself a "Cyber-punk," then? / Soul of Billy Idol: I had me mate set me up with e-mail. It were a blast. / Philippe: You called yourself a "Cyber-punk" just because you had an e-mail address? / Soul of Billy Idol: I flamed me own dad / {{Alt-text: I'll be damned! Another day without Alt text!>> http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08162002 |
| cyber punk | [[Philippe is in his Billy Idol phase]]
/ Philipe: But I thought you were a "Cyber-punk," Billy! How come you're scared of Chucklebot? / Soul of Billy Idol: LOOK
/ BEIN' CYBER HAS
/ NOTHIN TO DO WITH ROBOTS
/ NECESSARILY / Philippe: Well how come you used to call yourself a "Cyber-punk," then? / Soul of Billy Idol: I HAD ME MATE SET ME UP
/ WITH E-MAIL
/ IT WERE A BLAST / Philippe: You called yourself a "Cyber-punk" just because you had an e-mail address? / Soul of Billy Idol: I FLAMED ME OWN DAD / {{Alt-text: I'll be damned! Another day without Alt text!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08162002 |
| Achewood - August 16, 2004 | CRITICAL MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY™ PRESENTS " The Assassination of Abraham Lincoln " BROUGHT TO YOU BY ROOMBA! THE ROBOTIC FLOOR VAC / [[Roast Beef sits in a chair next to a Roomba Floor Vac]] / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08162004 |
| Achewood - August 16, 2005 | [[Ray is in his room, sitting in front of a webcam-equipped computer, smiling broadly. There are pants on the floor.]]
/ Webcam: You naughty boy! You left your clothes all over the floor again!
/ Ray: Yes.
/ Ray: Yes I did. / [[Closeup on webcam]]
/ Webcam: If you don't clean them up, I'm going to have to sit all over your birthday cake! / [[Ray, smiling, holds up a sock.]] / [Ray drops the sock, raising eyebrows and making a naughty expression]] / [[Ray turns angrily away from computer]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08162005 |
| Takin' It in the Can | Ray: Damn, Pat! What's up, my gay homey! Mojito of artisanal rum?
/ Pat: Hello, Ray. Thank you for inviting me over. Yes, please. / Ray: Dude, I just wanted to make sure you didn't think I was homophobic at you or anything, now that you're outta' the closet. / Pat: I appreciate that. Knowing who stands where on the subject is something of a relief. / Ray: Totally. So, you take it in the can now! That's different.
/ Pat: Not cool, Ray. / Ray: Man, we just shootin' the breeze! Two old dudes who known each other since milk money days! Why's that off the table? / Pat: I don't ask what happens between your sheets!
/ Ray: Hair falls off my body and sometimes there is gas! Jesus, use your imagination! / Pat: Well, why don't you imagine "takin' it in the can" and let me enjoy my privacy!
/ Ray: Okay, fine! Hold on. / Ray: "Dang, I never thought it would be like this! A guy is rocking my can!" / Ray: That pretty much how it goes? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08162006 |
| Takin' It in the Can | Ray: Damn, Pat! What's up, my gay homey! Mojito of artisanal rum?
/ Pat: Hello, Ray. Thank you for inviting me over. Yes, please. / Ray: Dude, I just wanted to make sure you didn't think I was homophobic at you or anything, now that you're outta' the closet. / Pat: I appreciate that. Knowing who stands where on the subject is something of a relief. / Ray: Totally. So, you take it in the can now! That's different.
/ Pat: Not cool, Ray. / Ray: Man, we just shootin' the breeze! Two old dudes who known each other since milk money days! Why's that off the table? / Pat: I don't ask what happens between your sheets!
/ Ray: Hair falls off my body and sometimes there is gas! Jesus, use your imagination! / Pat: Well, why don't you imagine "takin' it in the can" and let me enjoy my privacy!
/ Ray: Okay, fine! Hold on. / [[ Ray pauses to consider Pat's statement. ]] / Ray: "Dang, I never thought it would be like this! A guy is rocking my can!" / Ray: That pretty much how it goes? / {{Ray is trying to prove that he has an open mind. }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08162006 |
| Takin' It in the Can | Ray: Damn, Pat! What's up, my gay homey! Mojito of artisanal rum?
/ Pat: Hello, Ray. Thank you for inviting me over. Yes, please. / Ray: Dude, I just wanted to make sure you didn't think I was homophobic at you or anything, now that you're outta' the closet. / Pat: I appreciate that. Knowing who stands where on the subject is something of a relief. / Ray: Totally. So, you take it in the can now! That's different.
/ Pat: Not cool, Ray. / Ray: Man, we just shootin' the breeze! Two old dudes who known each other since milk money days! Why's that off the table? / Pat: I don't ask what happens between your sheets!
/ Ray: Hair falls off my body and sometimes there is gas! Jesus, use your imagination! / Pat: Well, why don't you imagine "takin' it in the can" and let me enjoy my privacy!
/ Ray: Okay, fine! Hold on. / Ray: "Dang, I never thought it would be like this! A guy is rocking my can!" / Ray: That pretty much how it goes? / {{Alt-text: Ray is trying to prove that he has an open mind.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08162006 |
| Achewood - August 16, 2007 | WHAT DID YOU THINK ABOUT TODAY / ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ / YAAAAAWN / Man some shish kebabs would be rude / Damn only 6:30 in the mornin' / Oh god oh gross man no shish kebabs
/ Eggs only man and barely even some toast / Oh crap can't remember last night at all
/ don't roll over
/ don't roll over / Oh jesus god please don't let there be no skinny-ass chick with dry hair named Summer there / Please don't let her be some "secret shopper" from a grocery store analysis chain / THERE IS NO SKINNY-ASS CHICK NAMED SUMMER THERE / Oh thank god! / Phoooooooooooo / Zzzzzz http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08162007 |
| Achewood - August 17, 2004 | GREAT MOMENTS IN TECHNOLOGY TM
/ PRESENTS
/ - The Invention of Photoshop TM -
/ BROUGHT TO YOU BY
/ ROOMBA! THE ROBOTIC FLOOR VAC / [[Inside an office at Adobe headquarters, Teodor -- with wavy dark hair, sideburns, and a moustache, and wearing a turtleneck -- sits at a desk writing]] / [[Roast Beef -- with hair and long moustache, and wearing a short sleeve dress shirt and dark tie -- rides through the doorway on a Roomba]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08172004 |
| Achewood - August 17, 2006 | [[Achewood baby edition]]
/ [[A gong with words Paiste on it is vibrating. Flies are wondering around it. DATE: 10/09/2005]]
/ Onstad: The baby went to a wedding where a spiritual man with body odor played enormous Paiste gongs for a long time before anyone was allowed to eat.
/ [[The Baby is a aproaching an ukelele/cavaquinho, saying "gub!" Date: 3/26/2006]]
/ Onstad: The baby was going to get to play with her great-grandfather's ukelele, but it turns out it's made from really valuable extinct koa wood, so now we all just feel really bad about what man has done to the planet in the name of ukuleles.
/ [[A Mini Cooper is driving on a road, with a small flag sticking on it. Date: 8/3/2006]]
/ Onstad: She walked straight to bed from the couch where we have bedtime stories, and climbed in! Nxt thing you know she wilkl drive a car to college and marry a man named Clue Bucket. I do not miss the future. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08172006 |
| Achewood - August 17, 2006 | [[Achewood baby edition]]
/ [[A gong with words Paiste on it is vibrating. Flies are buzzing around it. DATE: 10/09/2005]]
/ Onstad: The baby went to a wedding where a spiritual man with body odor played enormous Paiste gongs for a long time before anyone was allowed to eat.
/ [[The Baby is a aproaching an ukelele/cavaquinho, saying "gub!" Date: 3/26/2006]]
/ Onstad: The baby was going to get to play with her great-grandfather's ukelele, but it turns out it's made from really valuable extinct koa wood, so now we all just feel really bad about what man has done to the planet in the name of ukuleles.
/ [[A Mini Cooper is driving on a road, with a small flag sticking on it. Date: 8/3/2006]]
/ Onstad: She walked straight to bed from the couch where we have bedtime stories, and climbed in! Nxt thing you know she wilkl drive a car to college and marry a man named Clue Bucket. I do not miss the future. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08172006 |
| Achewood - August 17, 2006 | [[Achewood baby edition]]
/ [[A gong with the word "Paiste" on it is vibrating. Flies are wandering around it. DATE: 10/09/2005]]
/ Onstad: The baby went to a wedding where a spiritual man with body odor played enormous Paiste gongs for a long time before anyone was allowed to eat. / [[The Baby is approaching an ukelele, saying "gub!" Date: 3/26/2006]]
/ Onstad: The baby was going to get to play with her great-grandfather's ukulele, but it turns out it's made from really valuable extinct koa wood, so now we all just feel really bad about what man has done to the planet in the name of ukuleles. / [[A Mini Cooper is driving on a road, with a small flag sticking on its antenna. Date: 8/3/2006]]
/ Onstad: She walked straight to bed from the couch where we have bedtime stories, and climbed in! Next thing you know she will drive a car to college and marry a man named Clue Bucket. I do not miss the future. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08172006 |
| Achewood - August 17, 2007 | [[Roast Beef is fast asleep.]] < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08172007 |
| Achewood § August 17, 2009 | [[Ray and Teodor are driving towards Alberquist Hall; we see the exterior of Ray's car and can hear Teodor speaking]]
/ Teodor: What's Alberquist Hall? I've never heard of it. / [[Interior of Ray's car: Ray's eyebrows are tilted at a concerned angle and Teodor looks cross]]
/ Ray: Well, it ain't good, if you're okay with hearin' that.
/ Teodor: Jesus, man. Don't act like I've never heard of stuff that isn't good before. / [[Exterior again; something has hit Ray's windshield...]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08172009 |
| Beef's | Roast Beef: Man I am sick of all this bull crap
/ Roast Beef: I think I'm gonna take a "me" day / [[Roast Beef is obscured by several receipts]]
/ Roast Beef: Go on down to the underground and live it up Beef-style / Roast Beef: I got MY way of doing things and MY way of lookin' so PISS OFF / [[Receipt: TOSHI'S FINE TEPPANYAKI
/ HIDDEN HILLS LOC #38
/ 1 EARLY BIRD SURF/TURF SPECIAL $19.99
/ 2 ASAHI $18.00
/ PMPKN PIE 1 PC $5.99
/ TAX @ 8.25% $3.63
/ PLEASE PAY CASHIER: $47.61
/ 9:32AM 8/15/2003
/ TRY OUR OTHER LOCATIONS]] / [[Receipt: UNDERPANTS TIME
/ AT THE HIDDEN HILLS SHOPPING PLAZA
/ 8.15.2003 9:41A
/ WHT MENS BRIEF SIZE L
/ QTY 365
/ 365 @ $2.99 = $1091.35
/ TAX @ 8.25% $1181.28
/ CASH $1200.00
/ CHANGE $18.72
/ THANKS FOR
/ SHOPPING AT
/ UNDERPANTS TIME
/ WHERE ITS
/ ALWAYS TIME FOR
/ UNDER PANTS]] / [[Receipt: CROWN HAT BOOKSELLERS
/ LOC #8941 HIDDEN HILLS PLAZA
/ RESOURCE DESCRIPTION FRAMEWORK (RDF) AND XML - O'REILLY $59.99
/ WIRED MAG $5.99
/ BLACK LICORICE CHEWS $2.98
/ TAX @ 8.25% = $5.69
/ TOTAL = $74.65
/ CASH $75.00
/ CHANGE DISB: $0.35 / 9:54AM 8/15/2003]] / {{alt text: teppanyaki is where the japanese chef does noisy knife tricks in front of you while making fast food}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08182003 |
| Achewood - August 18, 2004 | [[Ray sitting in a chair. Little Nephew stands in front of him.]]
/ Ray: Little Nephew What in HELL are you wearin'?! / [[Focus on Little Nephew's pants, which are actually individual legs with belts holding them up. His underwear in tucked into them.]]
/ Little Nephew: Jeez! Shut UP Uncle Ray! / [[Same shot as first panel]]
/ Ray: What's... where's... how do I even begin to describe your pants/underwear situation?!
/ Little Nephew: I don't know! How about by shutting up! / Ray (pointing finger at Little Nephew): You couldn't wear your pants any lower, so you made pants for each leg! SAY IT!
/ Little Nephew: Jeez! It's the style! Shut UP! / Ray: How come you kids are so GOD DAMNED stupid and just do the stupidest thing possible every SINGLE SECOND OF THE GOD DAMNED DAY!
/ Little Nephew: I'm LEAVIN'! I ain't NEVER comin' back! / [[Ray sits at his computer, typing and wearing a crown]]
/ Written: Dear Diary,
/ Today I yelled at Little Nephew again. I guess I really lost my cool this time, 'cause this social services worker showed up to question me. I could see her thong above her low-rise jeans, and pretty soon we were gettin' mad-rutty.
/ {{Title text: Yes, this is still a problem with the kids.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08182004 |
| Achewood - August 18, 2005 | [[Ray is eating inside a restaurant called "p o u l t r y ;"]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08182005 |
| Achewood - August 18, 2005 | [[Ray is eating inside a restaurant called "p o u l t r y ;"]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08182005 |
| Achewood - August 18, 2006 | [[Ray and Teodor are golfing.]] / Ray: Yeah, I had a good little chat with Pat yesterday. Let him know we're all cool with him bein' gay and stuff.
/ Teodor: Nice. I couldn't figure out if I should call him or not. / [[Pat looks angrily at his answering machine.]] / Teodor: (on answering machine) Hey Pat, this is Teodor. Hey... I just wanted to say, uh...good job on...well...congratulations on coming out. I mean, of the closet. The...gay...closet. Yesterday. / [[Back to the greens.]] / Ray: Nah, don't worry about it. He's still kind of weird about certain basic aspects of the whole thing.
/ Ray: I'm thinking of gettin' him a little sedan or something, you know, maybe in a week or two. / Teodor: Why?
/ Ray: Man, he's driving like a 1979 Mustang with politics bumper stickers! Ain't no fresh young daddy gonna spring into that thing. / Teodor: Aren't there certain cars that gay guys like better than sedans? Like red Jeep Wranglers, I think that's one. / Ray: I know the photo shoot you're thinkin' of--that one where both dudes have those yellow suede workboots? --but in reality the Wrangler is a totally horrible car. Thing handles like a damn keg. / Ray: I got this theory that all gay dudes secretly want practical four-door sedans. This is my way of sayin' to Pat, "Hey, man. We ain't need no frontin' around here. Just be you." / Teodor: You might also want to include that in a written note, because Pat will have no idea why you just bought him a sedan. / Ray: You'd be surprised, T. Gay guys think like in an instant.
/ Ray: Next time you're over I'll show you my video of these secret soccer trials they ran on gay dudes back in the 70s. These guys make Pele look like a donkey with a helmet. / {{TITLE: Gay men secretly want practical cars pass it on.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08182006 |
| Achewood - August 19, 2002 | [[The moon. Extreme long shot of Pat's rocket ship, parked on its fins. Outside is Roast Beef's little loop of footprints and the word 'JAVA' scratched into the ground.]]
/ Roast Beef: ooohhhhhh mmmmman I am whizzin' real good now
/ nobody around for miles
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08192002 |
| Achewood - August 19, 2002 | [[The moon. Extreme long shot of Pat's rocket ship, parked on its fins. Outside is Roast Beef's little loop of footprints and the word 'JAVA' scratched into the ground.]]
/ Roast Beef: ooohhhhhh mmmmman I am whizzin' real good now
/ nobody around for miles
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08192002 |
| Achewood - August 19, 2004 | [[Ray enters, holding an old photograph contained in a protective case.]]
/ Ray: Check it out, Téodor! I bought some old-fashioned porno on eBay! Ain't it neat? / [[Téodor inspects Ray's purchase, and is suddenly shocked and amazed.]]
/ Téodor: This is an original daguerreotype, Ray! How much did you pay for it?!
/ Ray: Like $5.99! I was the only bidder! / Téodor: We've got to get this on Antiques Roadshow! This is incredible! / [[Narration: SOON]]
/ [[Ray is on Antiques Roadshow, as the host inspects Ray's pornographic daguerreotype.]]
/ Antiques Roadshow Host: Mr. Smuckles, what you have here is an absolutely fabulous example of early photographic erotica.
/ Ray: Thank you. That is always nice to hear. / Antiques Roadshow Host: That it bears an 1839 stamp from the Carl Dauthendey Studio may well prove it to be the first piece of photographic erotica ever produced. Have you any idea as to its value? Any idea at all? / Ray: Well, I figure that since the lady is about to get spanked it might be worth more to certain--
/ Antiques Roadshow Host: (interrupting) Mr. Smuckles, I estimate that at auction this piece would fetch over six hundred million dollars. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08192004 |
| Achewood - August 19, 2005 | Header: The Philippe Times [...] Back Page: Around the World...With Facts! [...] Vol 7 No. 10
/ Body: Friday Facts!
/ by Philippe, editor-in-chief! / This week: WORLD FACTS! / ***CHINESE FOOD***
/ Chow Mein is the Chinese version of spaghetti but if you put tomato sauce on it, Chinese people will be aghast! / Chow Fun is a fat noodle, about eight Chow Meins wide (still no sauce though). / Police: NEVER let a youth gang make fun of an older Chinese man on his way home at night. NEVER, EVER let them knock his hat off. I cried when I saw this.
/ *** / IRISH PEOPLE have heard it all before, so you can "take a hike." / THE PRESIDENT OF SPAIN is the only President in the world who wears red jens to work! He doesn't bat an eye! / AUSTRALIAN people... where do I begin. They have hearts full of love! Their women laugh pretty loud though. / GERMANS don't like peanut butter or root beer! (They prefer butter and beer -- simplicity equals perfection!) / [[Picture]]
/ Caption: A boy from another land thinks about America. / ITALY is the only country in the world where men are allowed to cry or pee in public. / RUSSIA is thought of as a cold place, where serious men eat snow and throw cats at walls. You won't catch me going there, not for a million bucks. / SWEDISH PEOPLE crave silence. / AMERICANS have got it all! BBQ, tanks, rockets, football (our definition), and spaceships! Is it any wonder why the rest of the world always thinks about us when trying to accomplish a feat or a marvel?! I tell you, America is the place for me! If you are from another country, come here and I will show you what makes this country so great! (I get up around seven and we can hang out for an hour or so before the good shows come on.) / [[Note from Beef]]
/ Philippe is the editor of the Philippe Times. At five years old, he is my boss, and I am using this sentence to see if he even reads the paper once I have laid it out using QuarkXPress and printed it on the laser printer.
/ --Roast Beef
/ Production Manager http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08192005 |
| Achewood - August 19, 2008 | [[Teodor is reading a note from Philippe's mother.]]
/ Note: Now that my little Philippe is five, it is time for him to begin his education. Would you please give him one of these fun little books each day, and go over it with him each night? / Book titles:
/ GOMEZ WORSHIPS IDOLS
/ WHO ARE THE JEWS?
/ RICK HAS NO IMMUNE SYSTEM / Teodor: Oh my God...Jack Chick tracts? I haven't seen these since high school... / Quotes from the tracts:
/ "The Mexican lifestyle, though colorful, is spiced with the eternal condiment of SIN."
/ "The Jews are a people who STILL HAVE A CHANCE to ADMIT THE LIE OF THEIR FAITH before OUR all-loving Christ!"
/ Teodor: I can't give him this stuff...but what do I do if his mom calls? She might yank him from here and have him sent someplace more...even worse... / [[Teodor sits at his drawing table.]]
/ Teodor: I'll mix in little comic tracts that look like these, and at least that way he'll be able to choose from a variety of ideas. / [[SOON.]]
/ New tract titles:
/ THE _TRUTH_ ABOUT WHEN HIPPOS PEE
/ THE KID WHO ARRESTED METALLICA!
/ HOW TO DRAW A PORCUPINE'S HOUSE EVERY TIME / {{Title text: Oh, sin. You condiment, you.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08192008 |
| Achewood - August 20, 2002 | [[Ray, martini in hand and enrobed in tracksuit jacket, is on the phone with Roast Beef, who is interminably on the moon.]]
/ Ray: What are you gigglin' about, Beef? Good Lord! / Roast Beef (V.O.): Man I just hacked the *hell* outta this one website
/ Ray: Oh! Uh...
/ [[Ray takes a small book out of his pocket.]] / [[Close-up on the book's cover. The title is:
/ the
/ WALK THE WALK TALK THE TALK (TM)
/ guide to
/ THE COMPUTER
/ LIFESTYLE / [[Ray holds the phone between his ear and shoulder so he can hold the book with both hands. He reads aloud.]]
/ Ray: *"Cool! Which one?"* http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08202002 |
| Achewood - August 20, 2003 | [[Ray and Philippe are examining a time machine]]
/ Philippe: Wow! What's this Ray? / Ray: Oh, this? Heh heh! I got it off eBay.
/ Some old guy was sellin' it, sayin' it was a time machine. / Ray: I thought it looked like a fun thing to store wine in.
/ Philippe: Let's pretend it works! / Ray: Heh! Okay, little guy! Hop on in and we'll have us an adventure!
/ Philippe: Oh boy! / Ray: Alright, Philippe! Where we goin'?
/ Philippe: Let's...let's see when Santa Claus was born! / Ray: Uh...okay, then! December...25!...1882! Hold on!
/ Philippe: Hooray! / December 25, 1882
/ Mark Twain: Huckleberry Finn shall be the vessel in which a sound heart and a deformed conscience come together in---consarn it, what is that racket in the yard? http://achewood.com/?date=08202003 |
| Ray's Time Machine. | [[Ray inspects on time machine]]
/ Philippe: Wow! What's this, Ray? / Ray: Oh, this? Heh heh! I got it off eBay.
/ Ray: Some old guy was sellin' it, sayin' it was a time machine. / Ray: I thought it looked like a fun thing to store wine in.
/ Philippe: Let's pretend it works! / Ray: Heh! Okay, little guy! Hop on in and we'll have us an adventure!
/ Philippe: Oh boy! / Ray: Alright, Philippe! Where we goin'?
/ Philippe: Let's... let's see when Santa Claus was born! / Ray: Uh...okay, then! December...25!...1882! Hold on!
/ Philippe: Hooray! / [[December 25, 1882]]
/ Mark Twain: Huckleberry Finn shall bee the vessel in which a sound heart and a deformed concscience come together in- consarn it, what is that racket in the yard? / {{alt text: An outlandish silver conveyance alighted upon the back lawn shortly before I was to retire.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08202003 |
| Ray's Time Machine. | [[Ray inspects time machine]]
/ Philippe: Wow! What's this, Ray? / Ray: Oh, this? Heh heh! I got it off eBay.
/ Ray: Some old guy was sellin' it, sayin' it was a time machine. / Ray: I thought it looked like a fun thing to store wine in.
/ Philippe: Let's pretend it works! / Ray: Heh! Okay, little guy! Hop on in and we'll have us an adventure!
/ Philippe: Oh boy! / Ray: Alright, Philippe! Where we goin'?
/ Philippe: Let's... let's see when Santa Claus was born! / Ray: Uh...okay, then! December...25!...1882! Hold on!
/ Philippe: Hooray! / [[December 25, 1882]]
/ Mark Twain: Huckleberry Finn shall be the vessel in which a sound heart and a deformed concscience come together in- consarn it, what is that racket in the yard? / {{alt text: An outlandish silver conveyance alighted upon the back lawn shortly before I was to retire.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08202003 |
| Ray's Time Machine. | [[Ray inspects what looks like a rocket with a satellite dish attached to the top of it. It has three fins and a porthole window. The satellite dish appears to be spinning. Philippe runs up to him.]]
/ Philippe: Wow! What's this, Ray? / [[Close up of Ray continuing to inspect the rocket-thing]]
/ Ray: Oh, this? Heh heh! I got it off eBay.
/ Ray: Some old guy was sellin' it, sayin' it was a time machine. / [[Close up of Philiipe standing next to "time machine"]]
/ Ray: I thought it looked like a fun thing to store wine in.
/ Philippe: Let's pretend it works! / [[Close up of Ray, standing with arms crossed]]
/ Ray: Heh! Okay, little guy! Hop on in and we'll have us an _adventure_!
/ Philippe: Oh boy! / [[Ray and Philippe are inside the "time machine". You can see Philippe's face through the porthole window]]
/ Ray: Alright, Philippe! Where we goin'?
/ Philippe: Let's... let's see when Santa Claus was born! / [[Same view of "time machine" with Philippe's face in porthole window]]
/ Ray: Uh...okay, then! December...25!...1882! Hold on!
/ Philippe: Hooray! / [[December 25, 1882. Mark Twain is writing at a desk. There is a window behind him, through which we can see the "time machine" moving through a black sky]]
/ Mark Twain: Huckleberry Finn shall be the vessel in which a sound heart and a deformed conscience come together in- consarn it, what is that racket in the yard? / {{alt text: An outlandish silver conveyance alighted upon the back lawn shortly before I was to retire.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08202003 |
| It's a...Judas Priest Friday | {{It's A... JUDAS PRIEST FRIDAY}} / [[Ray is holding a pizza with a pentagram cut into it]]
/ Ray: Hey man, this is weird! Look how Domino's cut the pizza this time! / [[A skeletal visage of death in a black robe appears and stabs Ray in the head with two daggers]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08202004 |
| It's a...Judas Priest Friday | {{It's A... JUDAS PRIEST FRIDAY}} / [[Ray is holding a pizza with a pentagram cut into it]]
/ Ray: Hey man, this is weird! Look how Domino's cut the pizza this time! / [[A skeletal visage of death in a black robe appears and stabs Ray in the head with two daggers]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08202004 |
| Achewood - August 20, 2007 - FiestaMax | [[A sign reads "Fiesta Max!". Above the words floats a sombrero. Small lines of excitement burst from it]] / [[Ray's Escalade drives through the desert]]
/ Ray: Alright, let's hit this joint. /
/ Roast Beef: Man I hate on some wipe-down "Tex Mex" chain
/ Ray:Next Services 30 Miles, dude. I'm starvin'.
/ Roast Beef:Okay fine whatever I'll find something on the menu
/ [[Roast Beef looks out his window, trying to avoid FiestaMax's gaze]] / [[A waiter wearing an earring on his right ear approaches the table]]
/ Waiter: Welcome to FiestaMax! My Fiesta Name is Darin' Aaron Magoo! Did you all get your Fiesta Names off the spinner on the way in? / Roast Beef: No we didn't I have a condition
/ Ray: Shit, dude! I didn't get my Fiesta Name! / Darin' Aaron Magoo:Muy Bueño! Can I get you started with a couple of our signature Icy Watermelon MargariTangys, some sodas, and a coupla' Blammin' Slammin' Oh Man Am I Jammin' Enchilada Stackers?
/ Roast Beef (thought bubble):Oh my god that's like forty dollars worth of merchandise / Ray:Yeah...and maybe some chips.
/ Darin' Aaron Magoo: Did you want our Hula Hoop Double-Fried Original Bonus Recipe or the Chipotle-Red Corn with the queso packer? / Caption: SOON.
/ Darin' Aaron Magoo: Alright guys, I spun the wheel for ya, and got your Fiesta Names!
/ Guy with the glasses is Sure-Shootin' Rex Dandycorn...
/ Ray (Sure-Shootin' Rex Dandycorn):You hear that, Beef? Perfect!
/ [[Roast Beef glares at Ray over his menu]] / Darin' Aaron Magoo:And Mr. Quiet's spinner landed on the tombstone! You get a free ChokkaWokka junior-mini childrens' sundae!
/ [[Ray points delightedly at Roast Beef, whose head hangs in shame and embarrassment]] / {{Beef has a terrible case of the Dignities.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08202007 |
| Achewood - August 20, 2007 | [[A sign reads "Fiesta Max!". Above the words floats a sombrero. Small lines of excitement burst from it]] / [[Ray's Escalade drives through the desert]]
/ Ray: Alright, let's hit this joint. / Roast Beef: Man I hate on some wipe-down "Tex Mex" chain
/ Ray: Next Services 30 Miles, dude. I'm starvin'.
/ Roast Beef: Okay fine whatever I'll find something on the menu / [[A waiter wearing an earring on his right ear approaches the table]]
/ Waiter: Welcome to FiestaMax! My Fiesta Name is Darin' Aaron Magoo! Did you all get your Fiesta Names off the spinner on the way in? / Roast Beef: No we didn't I have a condition
/ Ray: Shit, dude! I didn't get my Fiesta Name! / Darin' Aaron Magoo: Muy Bueño! Can I get you started with a couple of our signature Icy Watermelon MargariTangys, some sodas, and a coupla' Blammin' Slammin' Oh Man Am I Jammin' Enchilada Stackers?
/ Roast Beef: {{thought bubble}} Oh my god that's like forty dollars worth of merchandise / Ray: Yeah...and maybe some chips.
/ Darin' Aaron Magoo: Did you want our Hula Hoop Double-Fried Original Bonus Recipe or the Chipotle-Red Corn with the queso packer? / Caption: SOON.
/ Darin' Aaron Magoo: Alright guys, I spun the wheel for ya, and got your Fiesta Names! Guy with the glasses is Sure-Shootin' Rex Dandycorn...
/ Ray: You hear that, Beef? Perfect!
/ [[Roast Beef glares at Ray over his menu]] / Darin' Aaron Magoo: And Mr. Quiet's spinner landed on the tombstone! You get a free ChokkaWokka junior-mini childrens' sundae!
/ [[Ray points delightedly at Roast Beef, whose head hangs in shame and embarrassment]] / {{title-text: Beef has a terrible case of the Dignities.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08202007 |
| Achewood - August 20, 2008 | [[Roast Beef, holding a beer bottle, is talking to Philippe. Philippe is wearing a baseball cap backwards.]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh hey Philippe man it is almost your birthday little guy is there anything you want ?
/ [[Philippe makes that "aw shucks" gesture with his arm.]]
/ Philippe: Aww, I don't suppose I should ask for nothin'! Life's been pretty good to me. / [[Roast Beef points to him.]]
/ Roast Beef: Well I know something you could ask for that would really help somebody else then !
/ Philippe: Ooh! What? / Roast Beef: See now Ray is extremely fearful of heights so maybe you could ask for his fear to be lifted ! / [[Ray is crawling shakily on the floor, draped in a blanket.]]
/ Ray:
/ OHHHHH...OH GOD...
/ HEIGHTS...
/ PLEASE LORD REMOVE HEIGHTS FROM YOUR PLAN FOR US... / [[Philippe kneels on the spot, takes his hat off, and closes his eyes.]]
/ Philippe: Dear God: for my birthday, please let Ray not be afraid of heights any more. He is my friend, and I promise that he is good. / [[Ray has crawled up to Philippe by this point and looks up from the floor at him. He is noticeably surprised and relieved. Philippe turns around, delightedly, from his prayer.]]
/ Ray: Holy...holy *crap*! I feel wonderful! Holy CRAP! / {{title text: The boys pulled this little gift together in about ten seconds of planning, not including finding the blanket.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08202008 |
Archive Page:
<< 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40
41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 >>