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| Achewood - August 6, 2002 | [[Cornelius Bear - with more hair on his head than we customarily see, but otherwise familiar - sits reading in a magnificent yet cosy Neo-Gothic wood-panelled hall. Three-branched candelabra illuminate the scene. On the wall above his comfortable armchair are two pennants reading 'ACHEWOOD' and 'VARSITY.' Nearby is an empty fireplace, with a row of five hooks along its mantlepiece, from one of which hangs a tankard. At bottom right in elegant capitals is the legend 'CA 1902.']] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08062002 |
| Vlad and Roast Beef's Window | Téodor: Alright, Beef. Vlad's here to help you with romantic etiquette.
/ Roast Beef: Oh uh but I don't need- / Vlad: Roast Beef. I am glad they call me. Am heppy to help friend in need. / Roast Beef: Vlad uh I don't know what they told you but I don't need no-
/ Vlad: Bah! I too walk down these neighborhood streets, Roast Beef. / Vlad: I look in the windows, I see family's children makink imaginary airport on arm of couch.
/ Vlad: The father smiles; he is proud of his bounty, of his beautiful achievement. He holds wife of many years. / Vlad: But you, when I get to window of YOUR house!
/ Roast Beef: Man don't be lookin in my- / Vlad: Rye bread sandwich with Saltines as only filling.
/ Vlad: Shower cap when usink computer, to keep hairs out of keyboard.
/ Vlad: Always taps left hand twice before reachink for mouse. / {{alt text: There is a good chance that I will hire a stripper to model future Achewood clothing.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08062003 |
| Achewood - August 6, 2008 | Is There Ever a "Good" Time To Have a Baby?
/ A DIALECTIC
/ [[ A flow-chart illustrating a conversation between Molly and Roast Beef]].
/ Molly: (looking a little nonplussed) There's no good time to have a baby. You just have to start.
/ Roast Beef: [[Holding his hand out in an "on-the-other-hand" posture]] But there is no bad time to NOT have a baby
/ Molly: People half our age with no resources already have kids.
/ Roast Beef: [[Hand on his chin in a thoughtful posture]] People half our age also have tattoos of Insane Clown Posse going over Niagra Falls in a tomato.
/ Molly: [[Looking annoyed]] You're avoiding the subject.
/ Roast Beef: [[Hand out in the "on-the-other-hand" pose again, wearing an olive branch and a toga]]Am I avoiding the subject, or am I doing [[italic]] philosophy ?
/ Molly: [[Looking angry]] If "doing philosophy means chickening out of being a man, then yes, you are doing philosophy.
/ Roast Beef: If a man is chained in a cave and he sees the shadow of a baby play across the wall, does he instinctively know that he will be yelled at for doing such selfish things as going to get a haircut, even though he looks like Ted Kaczynski on a 3-day Jäger bender ? {{in case search can't cope, I'll just type that without the umlaut, too: "3 day Jager bender" "3 day Jaeger bender"}} / Narrator: THERE ARE ACTUALLY BAD TIMES TO HAVE A BABY:
/ Narrator: During an already awkward meal at a four star restaurant
/ [[Roast Beef's ears and what are most likely Molly's feet stick up from the bottom of the panel, while the maitre d' stands looking angrily at them]]
/ Roast Beef: IT'S CROWNING
/ Maitre D': You peegs! / Narrator: OR
/ Narrator: While a tweaking Pep Boys employee fails to explain why you should get your brake rotors resurfaced
/ Tweaker: [[Visibly tweaking, and with that scrawny, wrinkly misaligned look that meth heads have]] It's like...pretty impordant. It's pretty impordant. You should do it. If the car has sat at all.
/ Roast Beef: Wait, so is like two or three weeks considered "sitting"
/ Tweaker: I'll ask my manager. That sounds like a close one. It could go either way. That could go either way.
/ Roast Beef: [[thinking]] Man this guy is PARTYING
/ Molly: [[feet sticking up in the air]] BEEF! IS IT CROWNING? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08062008 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08062009">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08062009 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - August 7, 2002 | [[The moon. Extreme long shot of Pat's rocket ship, parked on its fins. On the ground outside is a little loop of footprints, and the word 'JAVA' fingerwritten in the dust. Roast Beef evidently has never gone far from base.]]
/ Roast Beef (thinks): Dang that's one thing Pat forgot -- muffins / [[Interior of the rocket ship. A door slides open for Beef, Star-Trek-style, and he heads for a vending machine labelled 'SNACKS' in an early 80s sort of computer font.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08072002 |
| Achewood - August 7, 2006 | [[Painting of a castle standing near a river. The sky is dark. Subtitle: Gladdington Castle, 1328]] / [[The king is in his pajamas, looking dreadful and close to death. Simon is narrating the situation]]
/ The King lies on his deathbed. Sensing that the end is near, he commands his cook to bring him one final, cherished treat - a hot raisin pudding.
/ [[The ancestor of Pat, wearing a shirt and some sort of cap, approaches the king, holding a plate with pudding on it.]] / Simon: The cook arrives with the dish, but it is wrong. In his haste, he has forgotten the seasoning. Furious that his last meal has been ruined, the King curses the cook with his dying breath.
/ The King: MAY ALL YOUR SONS, AND THEIR SONS AFTER THEM, ON THEIR TWENTY-SIXTH BIRTHDAY, BECOME QUEEEEEEEER! / [[Scene change: A carriage cuts off another carriage on a road, and the black-dressed, mutton-chopped driver is anxiously adjusting his leading ropes.]]
/ Simon: This was a common curse in England at the time, the sort of thing you might shout at a carriage driver who had just cut you off. / Driver: EGADS! MAY ALL YOUR SONS... / Simon: But since it was delivered on the dying breath of a king, it actually took effect. / [[Present. Ray and Simon are at a table, with cocktail glasses.]]
/ Simon: That cook was our ancestor.
/ Ray: Damn! These days, bein' gay is, like, one better than havin' an iPod! / {{Alt-Text: What Ray means to say is that the media have turned queer sexuality into a commodity.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08072006 |
| Achewood - August 8, 2002 | [[Probably chez Onstad. Lyle sits on a settle, reading a paper, while Ray drinks a martini.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08082002 |
| Achewood - August 8, 2002 | [[Probably chez Onstad. Lyle sits on a settle, reading a paper, while Ray drinks a martini.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08082002 |
| Achewood - August 8, 2002 | [[Probably chez Onstad. Lyle sits on a settle, reading a paper, while Ray drinks a martini.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08082002 |
| Achewood - August 8, 2005 | [[Parody Title Screen]]: Harry Potter and the Hanoi Hilton - Lyle Gabriel / Lyle [[Typing]]: Stiv dropped Harry with a fat one to the mug and tossed him behind the cough. He didn't need the kid around for what came next. < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08082005 |
| Achewood - August 8, 2005 | [[Parody Title Screen]]: Harry Potter and the Hanoi Hilton - Lyle Gabriel / Lyle [[Typing]]: Stiv dropped Harry with a fat one to the mug and tossed him behind the cough. He didn't need the kid around for what came next. < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08082005 |
| Achewood - August 8, 2005 | [[Parody Title Screen]]: Harry Potter and the Hanoi Hilton - Lyle Gabriel / Lyle [[Typing]]: Stiv dropped Harry with a fat one to the mug and tossed him behind the couch. He didn't need the kid around for what came next. < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08082005 |
| Achewood - August 8, 2007 | [[Ray dances about upon a dancing rhythm game controller]]
/ Dance, dance. / Dance, dance, dance. / I'm...the lit-tle dance-dance boy. / Ray Smuckles. Eleven one five.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08082007 |
| Achewood - August 8, 2008 | [[Ray is driving his Escalade in the city. He has just cut off an old lady with a walker, who looks up at him, shocked.]]
/ Ray (thinking to himself): Oops! I shoulda' let that old lady cross. Shucks, man. Hella bad manners of me. / Ray: Alright, I'ma let this goofity-assed PT Cruiser back out. Freshen up my karma a bit.
/ [[PT Cruiser backs out in front of him and sits there.]] / Ray (now annoyed): Jesus, dude, don't take your time or anything. We wouldn't want that. Nobody would want anything like that to happen.
/ [[The old lady taps on Ray's window.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08082008 |
| Achewood - August 9, 2002 | [[Ray, dressed in tracksuit jacket and with martini glass firmly in hand, is on the phone with Roast Beef, who has been on the moon since June.]]
/ Ray: Come on, Roast Beef! Come on back, and make me some Galaxy Nachos!
/ Roast Beef (V.O.): aw Ray you know I don't plan on comin home anytime soon / Ray: Oh ...all right. Hey, did I tell you I got back with Tina?
/ Roast Beef (V.O.): oooh nice / [[Mid shot of Roast Beef on the lunar surface, wearing his helmet.]]
/ Roast Beef: did she let you french her / [[Cut back to Ray]]
/ Ray: Yeah, dogg! It was *hella fun!*
/ Roast Beef (V.O.): man I wish I could ever french a lady / Ray: We been over this, Beef! You a handsome fellow! You just a few hearts shy of confident, that's all!
/ Roast Beef (V.O.): I don't know what it is man I really like the idea of frenchin' when I'm all alone / [[Long shot of Beef on the vast pale expanse of the moon.]]
/ Roast Beef: But get me in front of a lady and it's like "Whoah get me in front of my computer instead cause I really feel like programmin' it right about now" http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08092002 |
| Achewood - August 9, 2004 | [[Night. Roast Beef is lying awake in bed next to Molly, who is sleeping. ]]
/ Roast Beef: Man I am just a real shit of a dude / Roast Beef: Maybe I got to take like a course at the community college
/ Roast Beef: Try to improve somewhat / [[ He takes out the catalog. ]]
/ Roast Beef: Let's see what they got to offer here / [[ The catalog page reads: ]] / Achewood Community College Course Bulletin
/ Fall Quarter - enroll now! E-mail acc178@verizon.net / Draw That Dog
/ Wednesdays, 2 units
/ Learn how to quickly assess the major distinguishing features of the dog you are seeing, so you can set it convincingly to paper later. Example: what color are its feet? Is it a boy dog? / Pick-a-Corn
/ Tuesdays at Lunch Time, 1 unit
/ The cook makes three kinds of corn on Tuesdays: corn on the cob, creamed corn, and wild card. $1 / Pork Chop Recipes
/ M-W-F, 3 units
/ Write down the recipes that the instructor reads to you. Pens and paper provided. / Dheconstructing Derrida
/ M-F, 5 units
/ An herstorical pherspective on the need to deheconstruct and dhestroy. / Decapitation - The Truth
/ 1st Monday of term, 2 units
/ When your head gets chopped/torn off, do you die immediately or do you keep thinking and seeing things for up to one minute? The instructor knows the terrifying answer and will reveal it in this single-session class. / How to Rob a Train
/ M, W, 2 units
/ Since no one really does this anymore, we thought it would be neat to show the tricks to pros used to use. Part of our "Historic Skill Sets" series. Hats OK. / How to Steal a Pig
/ T, Th, 2 units
/ {{ How to Steal a Pig, T, Th. Another fun one. Who does this anymore, either? Learn how to shoot the pig and then steal it. }} / How to Make a Plane Go in a Loop-de-Loop
/ Fridays, 1 unit
/ Another in our "Historic Skill Sets" series. Who wouldn't want to fiy a plane completely in a circle the hard way? / How to Slide a Beer Mug All the Way Down the Bar and Make it Stop at the Right Place
/ Sundays, 1 unit
/ It's harder than it seems, and usually results in either a broken glass or a glass that is only two feet from your hand, while your customer is further down the bar. / Pizza and Poetry Party http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08092004 |
| Achewood - August 9, 2004 | [[Night. Roast Beef is lying awake in bed next to Molly, who is sleeping. ]]
/ Roast Beef: Man I am just a real shit of a dude / Roast Beef: Maybe I got to take like a course at the community college
/ Roast Beef: Try to improve somewhat / [[ He takes out the catalog. ]]
/ Roast Beef: Let's see what they got to offer here / [[ The catalog page reads: ]] / Achewood Community College Course Bulletin
/ Fall Quarter - enroll now! E-mail acc178@verizon.net / Draw That Dog
/ Wednesdays, 2 units
/ Learn how to quickly assess the major distinguishing features of the dog you are seeing, so you can set it convincingly to paper later. Example: what color are its feet? Is it a boy dog? / Pick-a-Corn
/ Tuesdays at Lunch Time, 1 unit
/ The cook makes three kinds of corn on Tuesdays: corn on the cob, creamed corn, and wild card. $1 / Pork Chop Recipes
/ M-W-F, 3 units
/ Write down the recipes that the instructor reads to you. Pens and paper provided. / Dheconstructing Derrida
/ M-F, 5 units
/ An herstorical pherspective on the need to deheconstruct and dhestroy. / Decapitation - The Truth
/ 1st Monday of term, 2 units
/ When your head gets chopped/torn off, do you die immediately or do you keep thinking and seeing things for up to one minute? The instructor knows the terrifying answer and will reveal it in this single-session class. / How to Rob a Train
/ M, W, 2 units
/ Since no one really does this anymore, we thought it would be neat to show the tricks to pros used to use. Part of our "Historic Skill Sets" series. Hats OK. / How to Steal a Pig
/ T, Th, 2 units
/ {{ How to Steal a Pig, T, Th. Another fun one. Who does this anymore, either? Learn how to shoot the pig and then steal it. }} / How to Make a Plane Go in a Loop-de-Loop
/ Fridays, 1 unit
/ Another in our "Historic Skill Sets" series. Who wouldn't want to fly a plane completely in a circle the hard way? / How to Slide a Beer Mug All the Way Down the Bar and Make it Stop at the Right Place
/ Sundays, 1 unit
/ It's harder than it seems, and usually results in either a broken glass or a glass that is only two feet from your hand, while your customer is further down the bar. / Pizza and Poetry Party http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08092004 |
| Ray Insulted Russell Simmons? | [[Ray is standing at a small table, which has a martini glass, a bottle and cocktail mixer. He is having a smoke, and has a towel over his shoulder.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08092005 |
| Achewood - August 9, 2006 | Pat: YOU CAN'T JUST TALK! TODAY IS A RAISING YOUR HAND DAY! THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS! / Phone: R-R-R-RING!
/ Pat: Oh, Jesus Christ! Who calls anybody anymore?! How rude! Pete, my hands are all sopping wet! What does caller ID say? / Caller ID: FAthEr / Pat: Oh, stop it, nobody likes a funny-ass! / Pat: Oh, crap! It went to the machine! You know I'm waitin' on a call back from Bill and Don In The Morning! / Pat's dad: I'm in town for a little while, and I thought we could get a cup of coffee.
/ Pat's dad: I'm staying at Ray's. We might as well meet here -- he really does have the best coffee in town.
/ Pat's dad: ...oh, here's Ray. Hold on. / Ray: Seriously, dude, I got a pretty slammin' coffee machine last month. I can do stuff with whipped cream or foam, man, you name it. Caramel lattice? Hold down shift and hit #7, man.
/ Ray: It has a fully articulated syrup nozzle. / Pat's dad: It really is quite an impressive machine, son. / Ray: Pat, Ray again! I think it can handle donkey milk, if you still doin that vegan thing! BA-DUMP BUMP! Rim shot! Heyo! / Pat's dad: You know Ray, if you make fun of him, it'll only drive him further into his shell.
/ Pat: Shell? What shell? Why do they want me over so bad?
/ Ray: Pat, I apologize to you. From, Ray Smuckles. / Pat's dad: Anyhow, son, hope you're hearing this. One thing we need to discuss is a... a family inheritance that has been due you for some time. / Ray: Daaamn, nice work with that inheritance angle! Pat's probably runnin' over here so fast that he can't close his mouth and his cheeks are balloonin' out with wind! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08092006 |
| Achewood - August 9, 2006 | Pat: YOU CAN'T JUST TALK! TODAY IS A RAISING YOUR HAND DAY! THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS! / Phone: R-R-R-RING!
/ Pat: Oh, Jesus Christ! Who calls anybody anymore?! How rude! Pete, my hands are all sopping wet! What does caller ID say? / [[The Caller ID. It is made by Call Systems LLC. ]]
/ Caller ID: FAthEr / [[ Nice Pete, standing before the Caller ID box, raises his hand, looking pissed. ]] / Pat: Oh, stop it, nobody likes a funny-ass! / Pat: Oh, crap! It went to the machine! You know I'm waitin' on a call back from Bill and Don In The Morning! / Pat's dad: I'm in town for a little while, and I thought we could get a cup of coffee.
/ Pat's dad: I'm staying at Ray's. We might as well meet here -- he really does have the best coffee in town.
/ Pat's dad: ...oh, here's Ray. Hold on. / Ray: Seriously, dude, I got a pretty slammin' coffee machine last month. I can do stuff with whipped cream or foam, man, you name it. Caramel lattice? Hold down shift and hit #7, man.
/ Ray: It has a fully articulated syrup nozzle. / Pat's dad: It really is quite an impressive machine, son. / Ray: Pat, Ray again! I think it can handle donkey milk, if you still doin that vegan thing! BA-DUMP BUMP! Rim shot! Heyo! / Pat's dad: You know Ray, if you make fun of him, it'll only drive him further into his shell.
/ Pat: Shell? What shell? Why do they want me over so bad?
/ Ray: Pat, I apologize to you. From, Ray Smuckles. / Pat's dad: Anyhow, son, hope you're hearing this. One thing we need to discuss is a... a family inheritance that has been due you for some time. / Ray: Daaamn, nice work with that inheritance angle! Pat's probably runnin' over here so fast that he can't close his mouth and his cheeks are balloonin' out with wind! / {{ Nice Pete wasn't being sarcastic. There is a complicated power dynamic in that house. }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08092006 |
| Achewood - August 9, 2006 | [[Nice Pete is lounging in front of Pat's television with the remote, looking annoyed. In the background, Pat is washing the dishes while yelling.]]
/ Pat: YOU CAN'T JUST TALK! TODAY IS A RAISING YOUR HAND DAY! THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS! / [[Pat is angered by the phone ringing.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08092006 |
| Achewood - August 9, 2007 | [[Ray is driving his Escalade at night, on a highway, alone]]
/ Ray: Man, what is the matter with me? I just called my best friend a butthole!
/ Ray: A butthole! / [[Interior view]]
/ Ray: Talk about something you don't serve with a chilled rosé.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08092007 |
| Achewood - August 10, 2004 | Ray Smuckles: Hey Waterbury! I'm writin' a musical! Can you give me some feedback?
/ Waterbury: Certainly, sir. / Ray Smuckles: Alright. The idea is that there's this guy who's training to eat the biggest steak in the world... But he has doubts, you know? / Waterbury: Man against self. A time-honored premise, sir. / Ray Smuckles: It's called Steak/On. You think that's a good title?
/ Waterbury: It conveys both steak and optimism, sir.
/ Ray Smuckles: Huh, optimism! I like that! / Waterbury: I seem to be receiving a call, sir. May I take a leisure for a brief walk in the garden? / Waterbury: Thank you, sir. / Ray Smuckles: Optimism! Maybe he decides to have optimism! / Voice on phone, the Queen: What have you to report of this maniac, Archibald?
/ Waterbury: I change his mental diaper on the hour, your Majesty. I have yet to uncover the reason behind the threats. / {{Personal spy to the Queen!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08102004 |
| Achewood - August 10, 2007 | [[Shot of a door with two signs: "PAPA PUNG V. ALAN 'CHAKA' PUNG" AND "BOOM-DAT HYYPE 'TERAPY"]]
/ Chaka: I see's den. You is beatin' on you's best 'omeboy. Why is dat, Ray? / [[Chaka sits in a chair facing Ray and holds a clipboard and pen.]]
/ Ray: My best friend's gettin' married, and / I think I'm gonna lose him / I guess that all dudes go their way / still I want to disabuse him.
/ Chaka: ...tite, tite... / Chaka: Dat is tite phinkin', Ray. Good on you's analysis, and plus you's rhyme is wicked tite dis session as well.
/ Ray: Thanks, Chaka.
/ Chaka: You is much wise, Ray. / Chaka: ...But were it not you's idea dat dis mate get married in de first place? I 'ave it in me notes from last time...
/ Ray: ...yeahhhh. But now that it's comin' so real, I'm startin' to think he's just gonna be less and less in my life. / Chaka: You's guy is prolly feelin' de same worries! Have a good chat wit' dis bloke and it wid' only make you closah'. / [[A shot of Ray sitting at his computer with an image of "Ray_and_Beef_Chat 8.0 (C) R. Beef Kazenzakis 1996-" shown above his head.]]
/ Narrator: SOON...
/ {{Speaker names here are the screen names used in the chat.}}
/ ray: yo dogg you around
/ ray: yo dogg you around
/ ray: yo dogg your around
/ ray: i'm on ur komputer chattin' on ur
/ beef: ok ok ok what's up
/ ray: i was over at chaka's
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08102007 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08102009">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08102009 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Beef's Microsoft Word Ad | Ray: Alright Beef! Come on out and show us the new you! / [[Roast Beef is in a changing booth]]
/ Roast Beef: Uh okay but I ain't too sure I am happy with these results
/ Ray: Oh, get over your fussy self! Step on out. / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08112003 |
| Achewood - August 11, 2004 | [[Night. Roast Beef is reading the Achewood Community College catalog in bed as Molly sleeps next to him. The page reads as follows:]] / Achewood Community College - Electives!
/ All Electives! courses count towards the Mix-n-Match portion of your degree. / Al Roker Body Mass Timeline
/ Fridays, 1 unit
/ Instructor has a large easel, on which are stacked silhouettes of Al Roker's body mass over time. Instructor peels away, one leaf per class, revealing the next exciting turn his body took. / Wino Poker
/ Tuesdays, 1 unit
/ In this class, local winos are collected from various encampments along the railroad tracks and made to play poker in a police interrogation room. They wear red foam noses and undersized bowlers. The winos are each awarded one unit. Would make a good painting. / Crêpes Suzette
/ Wednesdays, 1 unit
/ Does listening to sad music make you sad? Then come listen to the music of Crêpes Suzette, a French pop band who always include samples of themselves and ladies having orgasms together, often three-at-a-time. / Hate is a Fag
/ Thursdays, 2 units
/ Transitional mentality course for those who hate homosexuals, yet hate themselves for hating homosexuals. Course concludes with a film of a man who can put his **** into his own *** while punching himself in the face. / Intro to Watercolors
/ Fridays, 2 units
/ In this class, students will learn the basics of painting with watercolors. Please consult page eight for list of required supplies. / Predictive Text Messaging: The Italians
/ Mondays, 2 units
/ Many modern cell phones have a system where you type a portion of a word and it guesses the rest of the word for you. This is meant to save you time. There is a rumor that the Italians are very good at this because they use it so much. In this class, several Italian guest speakers answer your questions via a cell phone hooked up to an overhead projector. / Popular Items
/ Tuesdays, 1 unit
/ The Scion van is popular, as is the Livestrong bracelet. Eating chicken is popular again. Rollerblading has gone into a strong fade. Bed-head is still popular with models and rock bands. Muscles maintain their timeless chic. / Know Your Fast Food
/ Fridays, 1 unit
/ Carl's Jr. can always be counted upon as the fast food restaurant whose burger-dressing vegetables are cut in such a way as to imply a homey non-perfection. However, what are other fast-food restaurants doing to create various impressions? Standard enrollment fee plus $5 for van privileges. / World Time Zone Chart
/ 1 unit
/ Laminated. Available in the Book Shop. (does not meet) $5. / {{ AUTO SHOP 154 - recreate the car that Johnny Cash describes in One Piece at a Time }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08112004 |
| Achewood - August 11, 2005 | [[Ray in tux and holding martini glass is leaning out a doorway talking to Todd, who is wearing a white t-shirt]] / Ray: Todd! Get away! This ain't a party of crap dudes! / Todd: But ya' ain't even heard what I wanted! / Ray: You're terrible!
/ Ray: You are terrible! / Todd: S-S-So I'm enterin' this contest to yell "BALLS!" louder'n anyone's ever yelled it before!
/ Todd: Talk about rare! / Ray: Oh, I get it! You want money!
/ Todd: Yeah, I need some gear. / Ray: Go ahead, say it.
/ Todd: Lessee here...I need special ankle wraps to keep my ankle veins from bustin' / [[close up on Todd and his shirt which reads "THE MIRICLE"]]
/ Todd: Someone's gotta pay for this shirt I had made... / [[Ray gets out his wallet]]
/ Todd: All'n'all I think we're lookin' at about fiddy simoleons.
/ Ray: God dammit Todd. / {{alt text: Ray Smuckles is a wonderful man!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08112005 |
| Achewood - August 11, 2005 | [[Ray in tux and holding martini glass is leaning out a doorway talking to Todd, who is wearing a white t-shirt]] / Ray: Todd! Get away! This ain't a party of crap dudes! / Todd: But ya' ain't even heard what I wanted! / Ray: You're terrible!
/ Ray: You are terrible! / Todd: S-S-So I'm enterin' this contest to yell "BALLS!" louder'n anyone's ever yelled it before!
/ Todd: Talk about rare! / Ray: Oh, I get it! You want money!
/ Todd: Yeah, I need some gear. / Ray: Go ahead, say it.
/ Todd: Lessee here...I need special ankle wraps to keep my ankle veins from bustin' / [[close up on Todd and his shirt which reads "THE MIRACLE"]]
/ Todd: Someone's gotta pay for this shirt I had made... / [[Ray gets out his wallet]]
/ Todd: All'n'all I think we're lookin' at about fiddy simoleons.
/ Ray: God dammit Todd. / {{alt text: Ray Smuckles is a wonderful man!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08112005 |
| Achewood - August 11, 2006 | [[Behind the closed door of Ray's Prime Time Records office, two men are heard arguing.]]
/ Pat's father: ...that cook was our ancestor. It's why I'm gay, and it's why you probably started to question your own sexuality a few years back. I know what it's like, Pat. I went through it too. / [[Ray stands outside the office, sipping a soft drink. He looks cool but concerned.]]
/ Pat: Oh, this is RIDICULOUS! You're tryin' to cover up your decision to be gay with some outlandish fairy tale, and you're draggin' ME into your shame! GREAT PARENTING, SIMON! / [[Ray holds his drink, looking uncomfortable.]]
/ Pat's father: I know, I know, it's a lot to take in. We have some photos that will help.
/ Pat: I know the power of gay pornography! I will NOT look at your filthy propaganda! / [[Inside the office, Pat's father holds some photographs.]]
/ Pat's father: Pat, these are photos of you. / [[Pat examines a photo. It is of himself, topless and wearing assless and crotchless pants. He has a ferocious erection and a moustache. He holds a bitten chicken drumstick in one hand and a chain of sausage links in the other, brandishing them like a barbarian.]] / [[Pat examines another photo. He is now biting the drumstick, holding it with only his teeth. He stretches the sausage links above his head with both hands. His muscles are rippling; his penis hangs freely.]] / [[Outside the office, Ray looks shocked.]]
/ Pat: NO! No they're not! He... he only looks like me! He... / [[Inside the office, Pat holds the photos, looking worried.]]
/ Pat's father: They were taken by a magical Mexican camera that shows you not as you are, but as you wish you were. / [[Pat reflects on the possibility.]]
/ Pat: But that man... he's everything I'm not... he's... deviant... rude... virtually unemployable... / [[Pat holds his forehead; his mind is racing.]]
/ Pat: ...but bold, powerful... he's so full of energy... so playful... he has no... he isn't ashamed anymore...
/ Pat's father: Yes, son! Yes! / {{title text: That's a will-readin' tie}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08112006 |
| Achewood - August 11, 2008 | [[The cover of a book, black text on a white background reads "Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette" "New York. 1932."]] / [[Nice Pete is reading the book.]]
/ Nice Pete: This is all well and fine for city folks but this strange woman makes no mention of proper country decorum and tradition / Narrator: Soon.
/ [[Nice Pete is typing on a typewriter]]
/ Nice Pete: On Shooting One's Dog. The Shooting of a dog is a complex activity, despite depictions in the media. Depending on the occasion, it may be appropriate to invite guests. Naturally, such a situation creates an opportunity for protocol.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08112008 |
| Achewood - August 11, 2008 | [[The cover of a book, black text on a white background reads "Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette" "New York. 1932."]] / [[Nice Pete is reading the book.]]
/ Nice Pete: This is all well and fine for city folks but this strange woman makes no mention of proper country decorum and tradition / Narrator: Soon.
/ [[Nice Pete is typing on a typewriter]]
/ Nice Pete: On Shooting One's Dog. The Shooting of a dog is a complex activity, despite depictions in the media. Depending on the occasion, it may be appropriate to invite guests. Naturally, such a situation creates an opportunity for protocol.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08112008 |
| Achewood - August 12, 2002 | [[Philippe is possessed by the soul of Billy Idol. He is dressed like Billy Idol to reflect this.]]
/ Billy Idol: WHAT... WHAT'S THE MATTER PHILIPPE
/ Philippe: < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08122002 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/?date=08122004">http://achewood.com/?date=08122004 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - August 12, 2005 | [[Pat stands and looks in direction of phone]] R-R-RING! / R-R-R-R-RING! / [[Pat stares at phone and caller ID]] R-R-RING!
/ [[Caller ID reads: FAthEr]] / [[Pat is speaking on the phone]] Hello, Simon. / Egads! MUST you blow that damned kazoo?! / No! NO! Do NOT sing the Pat song!
/ STOP IT! / No, I would not like to go to Burning Man with you and Marcel. I hate that sort of thing! / [[Pat throws phone across the room]] Agh! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08122005 |
| Achewood - August 12, 2005 | [[Pat stands and looks in direction of phone]] R-R-RING! / R-R-R-R-RING! / [[Pat stares at phone and caller ID]] R-R-RING!
/ [[Caller ID reads: FAthEr]] / [[Pat is speaking on the phone]] Hello, Simon. / Egads! MUST you blow that damned kazoo?! / No! NO! Do NOT sing the Pat song!
/ STOP IT! / No, I would not like to go to Burning Man with you and Marcel. I hate that sort of thing! / [[Pat throws phone across the room]] Agh! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08122005 |
| Achewood - August 12, 2005 | [[Pat stands and looks in direction of phone]] R-R-RING! / R-R-R-R-RING! / [[Pat stares at phone and caller ID]] R-R-RING!
/ [[Caller ID reads: FAthEr]] / [[Pat is speaking on the phone]] Hello, Simon. / Egads! MUST you blow that damned kazoo?! / No! NO! Do NOT sing the Pat song!
/ STOP IT! / No, I would not like to go to Burning Man with you and Marcel. I hate that sort of thing! / [[Pat throws phone across the room]] Agh! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08122005 |
| Achewood - August 12, 2005 | [[Pat stands and looks in direction of phone]] R-R-RING! / R-R-R-R-RING! / [[Pat stares at phone and caller ID]] R-R-RING!
/ [[Caller ID reads: FAthEr]] / [[Pat is speaking on the phone]] Hello, Simon. / Egads! MUST you blow that damned kazoo?! / No! NO! Do NOT sing the Pat song!
/ STOP IT! / No, I would not like to go to Burning Man with you and Marcel. I hate that sort of thing! / [[Pat throws phone across the room]] Agh! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08122005 |
| Achewood - August 13, 2002 | [[The lunar surface. Roast Beef, wearing a helmet, is on the phone with Ray, who is visible as an inset head and shoulders in his speech bubble.]]
/ Roast Beef: so how do you french anyway
/ Ray: Aw, it's real easy, Beef! / [[Cut to Ray, relaxing in tracksuit jacket avec martini.]]
/ Ray: Listen... first you just stick your tongue out...
/ Roast Beef: I would but I can't open my mouth inside this helmet
/ {{How, then, is he speaking?}} / Ray: Okay, then just pretend that you're stickin' your tongue out.
/ [[He sticks his own tongue out as if to demonstrate.]]
/ Roast Beef: Okay I'm pretendin I'm stickin my tongue out / [[Long shot of Beef on the pale surface of the moon.]]
/ Ray (V.O.): Now wave it all around! Side-to-side, in and out--just get *insane!*
/ Roast Beef: Okay I'm pretendin that my tongue is all goin crazy
/ Man hee hee this is kinda fun / [[Cut back to Ray, gesturing with his martini.]]
/ Ray: So now when you want to end the french, you just pull back and go MMM-*MMM!*
/ Roast Beef (V.O.): MMM-MMM should I say Thank You or somethin / Ray: Ha Ha! More like, "You're *welcome!"* http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08132002 |
| Weezer / iMac | [[Ray is on the phone in bed]]
/ Ray: What do you mean you want off the show, Beef?
/ Ray: We just finished your makeover! You can't quit now! / [[Ray listens to phone]] / Ray: Yeah I've heard of "Weezer." Of course I have, God dammit! / [[Ray listens to phone]] / [[Ray listens to phone]] / Ray: Well, first of all, Weezer could never HAVE a baby with an iMac, so that is a totally dumb way to describe how you think you look! / {{alt text: The joke is that the cat who is in bed does not agree with his friend who is on the phone}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08132003 |
| Weezer / iMac | [[Ray is lying on his back, talking on the phone, in bed]]
/ Ray: What do you mean you want off the show, Beef?
/ Ray: We just finished your makeover! You can't quit now! / [[Ray listens to the phone]] / [[Ray rolls over onto his side]]
/ Ray: Yeah I've heard of "Weezer." Of course I have, God dammit! / [[Ray listens to phone and looks shocked]] / [[Ray listens to phone and returns to looking angry]] / [[Ray hold his hand up in exasperation]]
/ Ray: Well, first of all, Weezer could never HAVE a baby with an iMac, so that is a totally dumb way to describe how you think you look! / {{alt text: The joke is that the cat who is in bed does not agree with his friend who is on the phone}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08132003 |
| Achewood - August 13, 2007 | [[A page from Philippe's newspaper.]]
/ The Philippe Times. TIME FOR US TO MOTOR! Vol.9 No.15
/ SCIENCE SECTION
/ by Philippe, editor-in-chief! [[A picture of Philippe with futuristic glasses, and orbits circling around his head.]]
/ Don't think MOTORS are important? Then try having things in your life! You'll get the picture pretty quick. (The picture will be of you in a field with a rash.)
/ Come along and learn more! --Philippe!
/ [[A picture of an RV. Caption reads: Kid Rock's Limo! (he has to drive)]]
/ ***
/ SCARIEST MOTOR: A huge "chipper/shredder" that grinds up whole communities / the motor at the factory that slices baloney loafs a hundred times a second [tie]. (Thanks Roast Beef!)
/ ***SORRY NOT ABOUT***
/ **MOTORS DEPT.**
/ In France, it is considered rude not to smoke and walk away when someone asks you a question.
/ Lyle picked up a movie! He left it on the coffee table. Has anyone seen "THE BITCHSEER"? He says it's about a man who can see mean women through walls. Any good?
/ [[Image of a man with an afro. Caption reads: Actual scene from The BitchSeer. Man: Oh my goooosh dude]]
/ **BACK "2" MOTORS!**
/ (Téodor is going to take over while I watch Catch That Dog in the living room.)
/ Hey everyone, Téodor here. DID YOU KNOW that Hunardo Culini, of Italy, invented a machine that is bored with his wife even when he isn't? It's so the guys don't think he's gone "soft."
/ NEW FEATURE!
/ I D E N T I F Y T H E S E...
/ MEN BY THEIR MOTORS
/ "Well, I was headin' out the 15 South down in Chassahagee, carryin' a load'a bucksaw plate, and some deadheadin' Pete on the north's gone greasy-side up in a tangle with a smokey. Damn towel-head's face was on the gravel with lead at the ready. I just dropped the hammer...I tell you I ain't headin' back through Punkett in a while, that's for sure."
/ (Good job Téodor! I give up!) --Philippe!
/ {{Alt-text: Loaves is intentionally misspelled in order to illustrate the fleeting, majestic delicacy of childrens' speech.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08132007 |
| Achewood § August 13, 2009 | h1.documentFirstHeading { position: absolute; top: 130px; color: #fff; }
/ #content-sidebar { display: none; }
/ #portal-breadcrumbs { display: none; } / [[Cartilage Head's biplane sputters to life and begins to roll.]] / [[The biplane is in flight.]]< http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08132009 |
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