You're browsing the archives of Achewood.
You can search these comics too.
show: [ full transcriptions | abridged transcriptions | just the first line ]
| Achewood - July 29, 2004 | Ray: Yeah, is Bono there? / Ray: It's RAY! / Ray: Ray Smuckles, baby! I just got a quick question for him about how he chooses a butler. / Ray: Oh, no way! You're Bono's butler? Nice to meet you! I mean, I know it's the phone and all, but- / Ray: Yeah, I'm lookin' for some assistance. A gentleman's gentleman, if you will. / Ray: Yeah, west coast all the way. You know a guy? Oh, get out! He used to butler for James Brown? How come he quit? / Ray: [[takes a drink of his martini]] < http://achewood.com/?date=07292004 |
| Achewood - July 29, 2004 | [[Ray is on the phone, holding a martini]]
/ Ray: Yeah, is Bono there? / Ray: It's RAY! / Ray: Ray Smuckles, baby! I just got a quick question for him about how he chooses a butler. / Ray: Oh, no way! You're Bono's butler? Nice to meet you! I mean, I know it's the phone and all, but- / Ray: Yeah, I'm lookin' for some assistance. A gentleman's gentleman, if you will. / Ray: Yeah, west coast all the way. You know a guy?
/ Ray: Oh, get out! He used to butler for James Brown? How come he quit? / [[Ray sips his martini]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07292004 |
| Achewood - July 29, 2005 | [[Teodor talking on the phone and wearing his Circus Penis Army uniform]]
/ Teodor: Hey Ray, it's Teodor.
/ Teodor: Is Circus Penis there? / Teodor: What do you mean he went back to LA? / Teodor: Yeah, I know he lives there, wise-ass, but we - / Teodor: Yeah, of course this is about the Circus Penis Army.
/ Teodor: I finally finished our uniforms. / Teodor: He said I took too long?
/ Teodor: Well, why didn't he say anything to ME? / Teodor: He "realized a little too late that I was a ditherer"?!
/ Teodor: Oh, this is great coming from you. / Teodor: Yeah, actually I DO care to explain that!
/ Teodor: You score more weed than the toliet at the airport! / Teodor: ...alright, I give up.
/ Teodor: What do I stand to learn from the toliet at the airport?
/ Teodor: Not to go around making a lot of big promises.
/ Teodor: Thanks, Ray. / {{title text: The toliet at the airport teaches us a lot of lessons about honesty, patience and forgiveness.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07292005 |
| Circus Penis Has Left the Building | [[Teodor talking on the phone and wearing his Circus Penis Army uniform]]
/ Teodor: Hey Ray, it's Teodor.
/ Teodor: Is Circus Penis there? / Teodor: What do you mean he went back to LA? / Teodor: Yeah, I know he lives there, wise-ass, but we - / Teodor: Yeah, of course this is about the Circus Penis Army.
/ Teodor: I finally finished our uniforms. / Teodor: He said I took too long?
/ Teodor: Well, why didn't he say anything to ME? / Teodor: He "realized a little too late that I was a ditherer"?!
/ Teodor: Oh, this is great, coming from you. / Teodor: Yeah, actually I DO care to explain that!
/ Teodor: You score more weed than the toilet at the airport! / Teodor: ...alright, I give up. What do I stand to learn from the toilet at the airport?
/ Teodor: Not to go around making a lot of big promises. Thanks, Ray. / {{alt-text: The toilet at the airport teaches us a lot of lessons about honesty, patience and forgiveness. It's kind of the main symbol of our time.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07292005 |
| Achewood - July 29, 2008 | [[The back end of modern passenger train sits motionless on its rails in an open field at night. An electric spark appears in the air]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07292008 |
| Achewood § July 29, 2009 | [[Inside the J. Vincent J. Lemoni Public Arena, the New Kings of Sapphic Erotica Freetyle Literary Battle is about to commence. Williams-Sonoma Founder Chuck Williams and Téodor are in the background, seated at laptops and wearing identical elephant costumes. In the foreground is Roast Beef, wearing a similar elephant costume with sunglasses over the eyes. He stares at the teleprompter in front of him.]] / [[The teleprompter displays the text: OPENING MONOLOG (sic) FOR NEW KINGS OF SAPPHIC EROTICA: 1. Maybe tell that one about the time Ricky D fell hard for the lez from the block party 2. Make sure to introduce both guys anonymously]] / [[Chuck and Téodor look on from the background as Roast Beef turns to look out at the audience.]] / [[The audience is filled with various cats, watching Roast Beef with anticipation.]] / [[Roast Beef abruptly knocks the teleprompter over with a hard backhand smack. Chuck and Téodor look up, startled.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07292009 |
| Beef Tshirt Expose Etc | [[Teodor holds up a T-Shirt]]
/ Teodor: Yikes! You need to get rid of all this baggage, Beef!
/ Teodor: You're never gonna wear any of these!
/ T-shirt: GIVE ME AN F / Roast Beef: Dang man but don't I know it / Roast Beef: I got a weakness for Slogan T's I guess / [[Teodor holds up a T-shirt]]
/ T-shirt: I'LL BE THE FIRST TO ADMIT... / [[Teodor reveals other side of T-shirt]]
/ T-shirt: I HAVE A HUGE CRUSH ON LIV TYLER / Roast Beef: Uh you got to admit Teodor she looks just like an angel / [[Teodor holds up a T-shirt]]
/ T-shirt: WHO'S FAT? / [[Teodor reveals other side of T-shirt]]
/ T-shirt: ME. (I AM) / {{alt text: No, it is me that is fat.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07302003 |
| Beef Tshirt Expose Etc | [[Teodor holds up a T-Shirt]]
/ Teodor: Yikes! You need to get rid of all this baggage, Beef!
/ Teodor: You're never gonna wear any of these!
/ T-shirt: GIVE ME AN F / Roast Beef: Dang man but don't I know it / Roast Beef: I got a weakness for slogan T's I guess / [[Teodor holds up a T-shirt]]
/ T-shirt: I'LL BE THE FIRST TO ADMIT... / [[Teodor reveals other side of T-shirt]]
/ T-shirt: I HAVE A HUGE CRUSH ON LIV TYLER / Roast Beef: Uh you got to admit Teodor she looks just like an angel / [[Teodor holds up a T-shirt]]
/ Teodor: Okay, but what's up with this one?
/ T-shirt: WHO'S FAT? / [[Teodor reveals other side of T-shirt]]
/ T-shirt: ME. (I AM) / {{alt text: No, it is me that is fat.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07302003 |
| Beef Tshirt Expose Etc | [[Téodor holds up a T-Shirt]]
/ Téodor: Yikes! You need to get rid of all this baggage, Beef!
/ Téodor: You're never gonna wear any of these!
/ T-shirt: GIVE ME AN F / Roast Beef: Dang man but don't I know it / Roast Beef: I got a weakness for Slogan T's I guess / [[Téodor holds up a T-shirt]]
/ T-shirt: I'LL BE THE FIRST TO ADMIT... / [[Téodor angrily reveals other side of T-shirt]]
/ T-shirt: I HAVE A HUGE CRUSH ON LIV TYLER / Roast Beef: Uh you got to admit Téodor she looks just like an angel / Téodor: Okay, but what's up with this one?
/ [[Téodor holds up a T-shirt]]
/ T-shirt: WHO'S FAT? / [[Téodor reveals other side of T-shirt]]
/ T-shirt: ME. (I AM) / {{alt text: No, it is me that is fat.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07302003 |
| Achewood - July 30, 2004 | [[Ray stands at the open front door to his house. Waterbury stands on his front step.]]
/ Ray: Hi! Waterbury? Ray Smuckles!
/ Waterbury: Good afternoon, Mr. Smuckles. It is a pleasure to meet you, sir. / [[Both characters stand inside Ray's house, apparently in the entryway or perhaps a hallway.]]
/ Ray: So, things didn't go too good with James Brown, huh?
/ Waterbury: I am a patient man, sir, but I found his commitment to our shared reality rather wanting. / Ray: Huh! What finally put you over the edge?
/ Waterbury: I regret to admit, sir, that despite my best guidance, the man could so much as look in the mirror without the matter resulting in a high-speed police chase. / {{alt text: Or was it the occasion on which he threw his wife at me...no matter.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07302004 |
| Achewood - July 30, 2007: Saddest Thing IV | Philippe: Lie Bot, what is the saddest thing?
/ Lie Bot: You sure you're ready? / Philippe: I...I think so, this time. / Lie Bot: Okay, but I warned you.
/ Philippe: Yes. I agree. / Lie Bot: The saddest thing is when the toilet from an abandoned space station falls back to earth, lands upside-down on a child who was playing alone in the backyard, and smooshes them into the shape of half a hard-boiled egg.
/ Philippe: Nooo! / Lie Bot: (shakes finger) Awp! / Lie Bot: ...And when they lift the toilet off of the child, two lips at the top of the bloody mound say, on their dying breath, "I love you, mommy."
/ [[Philippe trembles with distress.]] / {{title-text: It's important that the eyes and nose are not visible.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07302007 |
| Achewood - July 31, 2006 | Ray: Dude. You know what it is? This camera is showin' how you FEEL about yourself, not your actual self / Ray: That's why Teodor looks like some blowjob from the Banana Republic ads, and Beef looks like a goon who lost his jack-off virginity in the bathroom at Comic-Con / Ray: I ain't gonna say anything, but your camera has Mexican magical realism. Same thing happened to me last year when I bought that RV where it was always rainin' inside. / [[Ray shown in the interior of an RV while it rains inside]] / Teodor: What in the hell are you talking about? / Ray: I ain't tell you about that? Thing was a total hassle. I ended up sellin' it to some friend I don't know anymore. Anyhow, turns out the thing was made in Mexico. I bet if you scratch the Made in China sticker off your camera, it says Hecho en Mexico dude. / {{Briefly Thereafter}} / Teodor: Wow, he's right! This camera was made in Mexico / Roast Beef: Dude Teodor let's take pictures let's take pictures of everyone and see what they think of themselves man that would be the Dickens of a chuckle! / Teodor: Wow. What if we took a picture of Pat? / {{then}} / [[Pat wear leather chaps, holding a Chicken thigh and sausage links, in pure, unadulterated homosexual ecstasy]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07312006 |
| Achewood - July 31, 2006 | Ray: Dude. You know what it is? This camera is showin' how you FEEL about yourself, not your actual self / Ray: That's why Teodor looks like some blowjob from the Banana Republic ads, and Beef looks like a goon who lost his jack-off virginity in the bathroom at Comic-Con / Ray: I ain't gonna say anything, but your camera has Mexican magical realism. Same thing happened to me last year when I bought that RV where it was always rainin' inside. / [[Ray shown in the interior of an RV while it rains inside]] / Teodor: What in the hell are you talking about? / Ray: I ain't tell you about that? Thing was a total hassle. I ended up sellin' it to some friend I don't know anymore. Anyhow, turns out the thing was made in Mexico. I bet if you scratch the Made in China sticker off your camera, it says Hecho en Mexico dude. / {{Briefly Thereafter}} / Teodor: Wow, he's right! This camera was made in Mexico / Roast Beef: Dude Teodor let's take pictures let's take pictures of everyone and see what they think of themselves man that would be the Dickens of a chuckle! / Teodor: Wow. What if we took a picture of Pat? / {{then}} / [[Pat wear leather chaps, holding a Chicken thigh and sausage links, in pure, unadulterated homosexual ecstasy]] / {{ No true comics fan waits until Comic-Con }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07312006 |
| Achewood - July 31, 2007 | [[Ray Smuckles holds an item in his paws and examines it]]
/ Ray: Daaamn. You KNOW they had to put these warnings on one lawsuit at a time. / [[Close-up of a tube of K-Y Jelly. The text on the tube reads:
/ K-Y®
/ JELLY/GÉLEE
/ Personal Lubricant
/ Lubrifiant personnel]] / [[Close-up of WARNING panel. The panel reads:
/ WARNING:
/ • Keep out of eyes and ears.
/ • Not a laxative.
/ • Not for tricks.
/ • Will not impart flavor to rabbit dishes.
/ • Not to be applied to steering wheels.
/ • Not for use in hairstyling; not guaranteed to create "Gruesome Little Curls." [MC Pot-a-Holic, "J.J. The Land-Retard," 1993]
/ Johnson & Johnson]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07312007 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/?date=07312008">http://achewood.com/?date=07312008 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - August 1, 2002 | [[Ray is on the phone with Roast Beef, who is presumably still on the moon. For a wonder, Ray is not holding a martini glass.]]
/ Ray: Hmmm...how about we call ourselves "Doggz 2 Tha Bone?" / Ray: Doggz 2 Tha *Bizzone*...hmm... yeah! I kinda like that! / [[Ray gestures emphatically.]]
/ Ray: *Doggz 2 Tha Bizzone!* / Caption: LATER
/ [[Ray has put on a tracksuit jacket and the inevitable martini glass stands on a small pedestal at his side.]]
/ Ray: Hey mom, guess what! Roast Beef and I finally thought up a name for our rap company! / Ray: What? You thought of a name for it too? Come on, mom! No you didn't!
/ "DJ Ray Got Pretty Chubby This Year." Well now, that's pretty long for a---*HEY!* / [[We now see Ray as a small silhouette, at the bottom of the panel, emphasising his vulnerability to his mother's criticism.]]
/ Ray: Why are you making fun of me, mom?
/ Look, I didn't invent sour cream, it invented isself... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08012002 |
| Hair In Ray's Nachos | [[Ray is angry. There are a plate of nachos and a martini glass.]]
/ Ray: HEY! Who put a hair on my dang nachos?
/ Ray: I really wanted to eat these! / Chris Onstad: CUT!
/ Ray: What?
/ Ray: How come? / Chris Onstad: Sorry, Ray. The readers are saying that they're tired of seeing you in the strip all the time. / Chris Onstad: They want to see other, more neglected characters. / Ray: Well, okay, but there's still a hair in my nachos. / [[SOON]]
/ [[An older Philippe plays a video game]]
/ Chris Onstad: Philippe! My! Look how you've grown!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08012003 |
| Achewood - August 1, 2005 | [[Nice Pete at Typewriter, Pat enters]] / Pat: I understand you finished your new book! Here, I'll edit it. / [[Pat reaches toward typewriter]] / [["KLAMP" Nice Pete grabs Pat's arm]] / Nice Pete: Pat I did not ask for you to edit it. You assumed that I would want you opinion. / Pat: Well, I'm an excellent critic! I automatically know when someone's done a bad job. Before you ask, yes it's a mixed blessing. / Nice Pete: Who said anything would be bad about my book! / Pat: Oh, you've got to be kidding me! You're not so arrogant as to think you didn't make any mistakes!
/ Nice Pete: Picasso didn't ask people to help him improve a painting after it was done. / Pat: If he had he might have had churned out such weird crap! The man thought he could just fool around! Heh! "Nuh-uh, mister!" / [[Nice Pete grabs Pat by the collar]] / Nice Pete: When I want your opinion I will cut it out of your brain and eat it and crap your opinion back into your skull. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08012005 |
| Achewood - August 1, 2005 | [[Nice Pete at Typewriter, Pat enters]] / Pat: I understand you finished your new book! Here, I'll edit it. / [[Pat reaches toward typewriter]] / [["KLAMP" Nice Pete grabs Pat's arm]] / Nice Pete: Pat I did not ask for you to edit it. You assumed that I would want you opinion. / Pat: Well, I'm an excellent critic! I automatically know when someone's done a bad job. Before you ask, yes it's a mixed blessing. / Nice Pete: Who said anything would be bad about my book! / Pat: Oh, you've got to be kidding me! You're not so arrogant as to think you didn't make any mistakes!
/ Nice Pete: Picasso didn't ask people to help him improve a painting after it was done. / Pat: If he had he might have had churned out such weird crap! The man thought he could just fool around! Heh! "Nuh-uh, mister!" / [[Nice Pete grabs Pat by the collar]] / Nice Pete: When I want your opinion I will cut it out of your brain and eat it and crap your opinion back into your skull. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08012005 |
| Achewood - August 1, 2005 | [[Nice Pete at Typewriter, Pat enters]] / Pat: I understand you finished your new book! Here, I'll edit it. / [[Pat reaches toward typewriter]] / [["KLAMP" Nice Pete grabs Pat's arm]] / Nice Pete: Pat I did not ask for you to edit it. You assumed that I would want you opinion. / Pat: Well, I'm an excellent critic! I automatically know when someone's done a bad job. Before you ask, yes it's a mixed blessing. / Nice Pete: Who said anything would be bad about my book! / Pat: Oh, you've got to be kidding me! You're not so arrogant as to think you didn't make any mistakes!
/ Nice Pete: Picasso didn't ask people to help him improve a painting after it was done. / Pat: If he had he might have had churned out such weird crap! The man thought he could just fool around! Heh! "Nuh-uh, mister!" / [[Nice Pete grabs Pat by the collar]] / Nice Pete: When I want your opinion I will cut it out of your brain and eat it and crap your opinion back into your skull. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08012005 |
| Achewood - August 1, 2005 | [[Nice Pete at Typewriter, Pat enters]] / Pat: I understand you finished your new book! Here, I'll edit it. / [[Pat reaches toward typewriter]] / [["KLAMP" Nice Pete grabs Pat's arm]] / Nice Pete: Pat I did not ask for you to edit it. You assumed that I would want you opinion. / Pat: Well, I'm an excellent critic! I automatically know when someone's done a bad job. Before you ask, yes it's a mixed blessing. / Nice Pete: Who said anything would be bad about my book! / Pat: Oh, you've got to be kidding me! You're not so arrogant as to think you didn't make any mistakes!
/ Nice Pete: Picasso didn't ask people to help him improve a painting after it was done. / Pat: If he had he might have had churned out such weird crap! The man thought he could just fool around! Heh! "Nuh-uh, mister!" / [[Nice Pete grabs Pat by the collar]] / Nice Pete: When I want your opinion I will cut it out of your brain and eat it and crap your opinion back into your skull. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08012005 |
| Achewood - August 1, 2005 | [[Nice Pete at Typewriter, Pat enters]] / Pat: I understand you finished your new book! Here, I'll edit it. / [[Pat reaches toward typewriter]] / [["KLAMP" Nice Pete grabs Pat's arm]] / Nice Pete: Pat I did not ask for you to edit it. You assumed that I would want you opinion. / Pat: Well, I'm an excellent critic! I automatically know when someone's done a bad job. Before you ask, yes it's a mixed blessing. / Nice Pete: Who said anything would be bad about my book! / Pat: Oh, you've got to be kidding me! You're not so arrogant as to think you didn't make any mistakes!
/ Nice Pete: Picasso didn't ask people to help him improve a painting after it was done. / Pat: If he had he might have had churned out such weird crap! The man thought he could just fool around! Heh! "Nuh-uh, mister!" / [[Nice Pete grabs Pat by the collar]] / Nice Pete: When I want your opinion I will cut it out of your brain and eat it and crap your opinion back into your skull. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08012005 |
| Achewood - August 1, 2005 | [[Nice Pete at Typewriter, Pat enters]] / Pat: I understand you finished your new book! Here, I'll edit it. / [[Pat reaches toward typewriter]] / [["KLAMP" Nice Pete grabs Pat's arm]] / Nice Pete: Pat I did not ask for you to edit it. You assumed that I would want you opinion. / Pat: Well, I'm an excellent critic! I automatically know when someone's done a bad job. Before you ask, yes it's a mixed blessing. / Nice Pete: Who said anything would be bad about my book! / Pat: Oh, you've got to be kidding me! You're not so arrogant as to think you didn't make any mistakes!
/ Nice Pete: Picasso didn't ask people to help him improve a painting after it was done. / Pat: If he had he might have had churned out such weird crap! The man thought he could just fool around! Heh! "Nuh-uh, mister!" / [[Nice Pete grabs Pat by the collar]] / Nice Pete: When I want your opinion I will cut it out of your brain and eat it and crap your opinion back into your skull. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08012005 |
| Achewood - August 1, 2005 | [[Nice Pete at desk, Pat enters]] / Pat: I understand you finished your new book! Here, I'll edit it. / [[Pat reaches toward desk]] / [["KLAMP" Nice Pete grabs Pat's arm]] / Nice Pete: Pat I did not ask for you to edit it. You assumed that I would want you opinion. / Pat: Well, I'm an excellent critic! I automatically know when someone's done a bad job. Before you ask, yes it's a mixed blessing. / Nice Pete: Who said anything would be bad about my book! / Pat: Oh, you've got to be kidding me! You're not so arrogant as to think you didn't make any mistakes!
/ Nice Pete: Picasso didn't ask people to help him improve a painting after it was done. / Pat: If he had he might have had churned out such weird crap! The man thought he could just fool around! Heh! "Nuh-uh, mister!" / [[Nice Pete grabs Pat by the collar]] / Nice Pete: When I want your opinion I will cut it out of your brain and eat it and crap your opinion back into your skull. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08012005 |
| Achewood - August 1, 2008 | [[Téodor is trying to sleep, lying on a mattress with no sheet. Philippe is waking Téodor up.]]
/ Philippe: Téodor! Mr. Bear read My Side of the Mountain to me! I'm going to live on my own in the backyard! / Téodor: [[thinking]] This is a really special thing that a little kid does. If I help him make it through a night or two outside, he could build tons of self-confidence. / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08012008 |
| Achewood - August 2, 2002 | [[Phillipe, possessed by Billy Idol, stands near his bike and talks to Ray, who is holding a martini]]
/ Phillipe: Ray, you old punter! How's about a fag for your old mate?
/ Ray: Huh? / Ray: Since when do you smoke, Phillipe? And what happened to your regular, non-ridiculous pants? / [[Phillipe points menacingly at Ray]]
/ Phillipe: Are you saying that my pants are ridiculous? The only thing ridiculous around here is what you're gonna look like when I cut your trolley off!
/ Ray: My "trolley"? / Phillipe: You know! Your cabbages and cod!
/ Ray: What? / Phillipe: Your nose and spectacles, man! Your balls and pencil!
/ Ray: My pencil? / [[The scene shifts to the outside of the house at night, the characters' voices can still be heard]]
/ Phillipe: Your Cain and Abels?
/ Ray: No...
/ Phillipe: Your Peter, Paul and Larry?
/ Ray: No! No! I'm sorry! None of those terms mean anything to me! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08022002 |
| Thick As A Brick | [[Phillipe, possessed by Billy Idol, stands near his bike and talks to Ray, who is holding a martini]]
/ Phillipe: Ray, you old punter! How's about a fag for your old mate?
/ Ray: Huh? / Ray: Since when do you smoke, Phillipe? And what happened to your regular, non-ridiculous pants? / [[Phillipe points menacingly at Ray]]
/ Phillipe: Are you saying that my pants are ridiculous? The only thing ridiculous around here is what you're gonna look like when I cut your trolley off!
/ Ray: My "trolley"? / Phillipe: You know! Your cabbages and cod!
/ Ray: What? / Phillipe: Your nose and spectacles, man! Your balls and pencil!
/ Ray: My pencil? / [[The scene shifts to the outside of the house at night, the characters' voices can still be heard]]
/ Phillipe: Your Cain and Abels?
/ Ray: No...
/ Phillipe: Your Peter, Paul and Larry?
/ Ray: No! No! I'm sorry! None of those terms mean anything to me! / {{alt text: Rejected slang from this strip: Twat Jockey, Rad Chilies.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08022002 |
| Achewood - August 2, 2004 | RAY: Waterbury! Come in here! / WATERBURY: Good morning, Mr. Smuckles, sir.
/ RAY: How come I'm wearin' kneepads and a helmet?! / WATERBURY: I discovered that you are a bit of a somnambulist, sir. It was for your own protection.
/ RAY: You mean I was sleepwalkin'?
/ WATERBURY: Precisely, sir. / RAY: Well I'll be damned! Thanks for catchin' me! I coulda really hurt myself!
/ Oh, and what's with this bumpy rubber gardening glove? Was I sleep-gardening too? / WATERBURY: Not as much. It seems, sir, that you are also something of a somn-onanist. / [[RAY stares.]] / RAY: I...I ain't entirely sure what that means, but I think we're done talkin' about this, Waterbury.
/ WATERBURY: Very good, sir. / [ALT TEXT: (The chubby cat's butler is trying to help him stop jacking off in his sleep)] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08022004 |
| Dreamwheel And The Child | [[Roast Beef and Téodor talking. Beef holds some photos]]
/ Beef: Check it out Téodor I found some old promotional photos of Pat's dad Simon in my boxes / [[Téodor examines two of the photos]]
/ Beef: See how much they look like each other
/ Téodor: Wow. It's uncanny! / [[Promotional photo of Simon Reynolds roller skating on one skate while doing a yo-yo trick. He has a pony tail, John Lennon glasses, and suspenders with no shirt.]] / [[Magical Mexican Realism photo of Patwearing only chaps with an erection and holding meat products in each hand]] / [[Beef talks to Téodor while looking at the other photos]]
/ Beef: They used to do this act called Dreamwheel And The Child
/ Beef: Oh cool here's their show flier / [[A promotional photo for "Dreamwheel & The Child, Saturdays - Quinn Park". Simon rollerskates on one skate while a young Pat sits on his outstretched leg. Together the two are doing Cat's Cradle with a yo-yo.]] / [[Beef and Téodor talking]]
/ Téodor: What's the deal with his Dad? How come we never hear about him?
/ Beef: Oh uh when Simon came out of the closet Pat did not handle it well I mean he was so furious he made him move to Portland
/ Téodor: How do you make your Dad move to Portland? / [[Roast Beef talking]]
/ Beef: Pat shipped all his stuff there and rented him an apartment
/ Beef: I mean Pat was like extraordinarily mad
/ Beef: Simon is kind of a soft soul so he just went with it figuring things would get better in time / [[Beef and Téodor looking at the photos]]
/ Téodor: Well, if these magic camera photos of the true Pat mean anything, he's in massive self-denial about being just like his dad.
/ Beef: Dude do you think we should show him the pictures ? / [[Beef and Téodor with the photos]]
/ Téodor: He'd just say we Photoshopped them, and that we were huge jerks.
/ Beef: Huh yeah you're right this is actually a pretty typical thing to do in Photoshop I mean I think they even finally added a special filter / [[Téodor]]
/ Téodor: Maybe we could get him into situations that encourage him to come out of the closet?
/ Beef (off-panel): You mean like hold a false Thanksgiving ? / [[Beef and Téodor with photos]]
/ Téodor: I mean like invite his dad down so they can have it out. One big breakthrough might set another in motion, you know? / [[Panel Caption: 'SOON'. Roast Beef is on the phone]]
/ Beef: Hi Simon this is Roast Beef from the neighborhood !
/ Beef: Oh heh no I ain't been doin' much Logo codin' these days I mean like the turtle just sits there and he is totally glarin' at me !
/ Beef: Well my Pascal has basically changed into crud I mean a crab on the beach has it as a big hot meal instead of a dead tern nearby / {{alt text: FILTER > OTHER > MAPPLETHORPE}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08022006 |
| Achewood - August 2, 2007 | [[Ray on the phone and holding a martini glass. Inset window of Teodor on the phone.]]
/ Ray: Dude! Remember how I don't know German?
/ Teodor: Who could forget? / Ray: Get this! I been learnin' German by watchin' German porno, man! / Teodor: Alright, let me quiz you. / Ray: Daaaaamn / Teodor: Answer this: "Can you tell me when the next train to the community center is?"
/ [[Black translation box on top of German text.]]
/ Ray: ("I have never met a man as shiny as you. It is a problem I enjoy.") / Teodor: Huh. Okay..."How is the economy lately?"
/ [[Ray with the glass to his mouth.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08022007 |
| Achewood - August 3, 2004 | [[Philippe, wearing a strap-on tummy over his actual belly, stands with paws on hips looking very pleased with himself]]
/ Philippe: Téodor! Look what my mom sent me!
/ Téodor: What is that? / Philippe: It's a Tommy the Tummy! Isn't it cool?
/ Téodor: What's it do? / Philippe: It's a friend for kids who are alone most of the day! / Philippe (talking down to his stomach): What should we do today, Tommy? / Philippe (paw over his mouth in an attempt at ventriloquism): We should make natural bird feeders out of suet and pine cones, Philippe! / Philippe (running off with arms outstretched): Okay, Tommy! / [[Teodor stands, paws clasped behind his back, at a loss for words]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08032004 |
| Achewood - August 3, 2005 - Ray's Toy Truck | [[Ray is sitting down playing with a Tonka-like toy truck while Téodor stands beside him ]]
/ Téodor: What's with the little toy dumptruck, Ray? You have a kid over? / [[Ray looks up at Téodor]]
/ Ray: This's mine dude! Don't be buggin'! / Téodor: From when you were a kid? / Ray: Kid kid kid! What's with all this kid imagery? Did you just see a kid? I play with this truck! / Téodor: Is this some kind of new hip-hop thing, like sucking on a pacifier was a few years ago? / Ray: Look dude, if you can't have fun playin' with a toy truck, then it's time to reevaluate your life. You've become jaded. / [[Ray leans back and puts one hand behind his head, extending the other toward Téodor]]
/ Ray: I think it's mainly computers, man. We got so much stimuluses, we ain't need to use our imagination anymore, and it dies like a muscle that ain't get used! / [[Top panel reads SOON: and Téodor is now sitting beside Ray, playing with the toy truck]]
/ Téodor: Oh no! I'm tipping over! SINK HOLE!!
/ Ray: Damn, man! Yes! Yes! Old School! OLD School! / {{title text: At first it seems hopeless, because he likes computers so much, but then Téodor impresses Ray with his Old-School moves.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08032005 |
| Achewood - August 3, 2005 - Ray's Toy Truck | [[Ray is sitting down playing with a Tonka-like toy truck while Téodor stands beside him ]]
/ Téodor: What's with the little toy dumptruck, Ray? You have a kid over? / [[Ray looks up at Téodor]]
/ Ray: This's mine dude! Don't be buggin'! / Téodor: From when you were a kid? / Ray: Kid kid kid! What's with all this kid imagery? Did you just see a kid? I play with this truck! / Téodor: Is this some kind of new hip-hop thing, like sucking on a pacifier was a few years ago? / Ray: Look dude, if you can't have fun playin' with a toy truck, then it's time to reevaluate your life. You've become jaded. / [[Ray leans back and puts one hand behind his head, extending the other toward Téodor]]
/ Ray: I think it's mainly computers, man. We got so much stimuluses, we ain't need to use our imagination anymore, and it dies like a muscle that ain't get used! / [[Top panel reads SOON: and Téodor is now sitting beside Ray, playing with the toy truck]]
/ Téodor: Oh no! I'm tipping over! SINKHOLE!!
/ Ray: Damn, man! Yes! Yes! Old School! OLD School! / {{title text: At first it seems hopeless, because he likes computers so much, but then Téodor impresses Ray with his Old-School moves.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08032005 |
| Philippe Times for August Third | [[Masthead]]
/ The Philippe Times. I Have Some Binoculars and I am Big Enough to Go Outside. Vol 9 No. 13 / [[Main Body Text]]
/ Friday Facts! by Philippe, editor-in-chief!
/ [[Picture of Philippe in watch cap looking through binoculars]] / WHAT I SAW IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD!
/ Téodor is playing his guitar into a computer website about meeting girls. His door is cracked a little. A lot of the guys in the house are sad for him
/ [[Picture of Téodor playing guitar]]
/ Téodor: ...The Smiiiths...
/ Picture Caption: It is very sad, according to everyone. / Lyle is watching a parents' video called "Dumb Thick Trick." That is his Decision. God says we should not have opinions, but I can tell that He also wouldn't want us to have This video. / Molly is going to get married to Roast Beef! She was smiling and knitting him a hat on the couch, and he was throwing up in the yard under the special Nervousness Blanket that Ray gave him. / [[Picture of Beef under a blanket throwing up]]
/ Roast Beef: BORRRGH! URR... AP-AP-AP! / Speaking of throwing up, Lyle has a video of that too. Where is it from? A school for curious doctors? / [Picture of Pat positioned behind Rod Huggins. Each is wearing a police cap and Pat has a fake mustache]]
/ Picture Caption: I saw this. / Have you heard of Rod Huggins? He's Pat's new "partner." Are they cops together or something? They were wearing cop hats when I sinned and looked in Pat's bedroom window. The weird part was that they only had white socks and boots on, instead of the regular whole cop outfit! What the heck?! / Nice Pete (crazy) was on Pat's couch eating a bucket of drumsticks. After he sucks all the meat off the bone he breaks it in half and drops it back in the bucket. [i]He does not smile or frown.[/i] / Talked to Lyle! He says there are three main kinds of throwing up: Original, Intentional, and Marinara. / MAILBOX MINUTE: Ray has been getting some weird junk mail! What is the Sir Chauncey Mason School For Young Jerks? / MAILBOX, CON'T: Ray mailed a big check to someone, but he left the stamp off. Who is Fondness, and why was there cologne in the envelope? / {{alt text: Pat is wearing a theatrical mustache held on by spirit gum. It's his man-lingerie.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08032007 |
| beef makeover tshirt etc | [[Téodor holds up a T-shirt]]
/ Téodor: I mean, look at this! No woman is going to talk to you if this is the first thing she sees!
/ [[T-shirt reads: RELIGION IS MESSED UP]] / Téodor: And when was the last time you wore this one?!
/ [[T-shirt reads: I'M THE GUY WHO SUCKS]] / [[Back of T-shirt reads: PLUS I GOT DEPRESSION]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08042003 |
| Achewood - August 4, 2004 | [[Phillippe is running for president. Roast Beef is acting as his campaign manager.]]
/ Roast Beef: Alright now Phillippe uh did you work on your campaign speech like we agreed that you would / Roast Beef: Oh my goodness you did! / Roast Beef: "Born down in a dead man's town...first kick I took was when I hit the ground..." / Roast Beef: Phillippe these are just the lyrics to "Born in the USA"
/ Phillippe: It's such a good song! It's what America is all about!
/ {{This song is hell of good, the otter is correct}} / Roast Beef: This song is about how America chews the working man up and spits him in the dirt to die
/ Phillippe: Huh. Well, that's no fun! Let's rewrite it! / Phillippe: "Born...in the USA! I went to school and got an...A! I ate a hamburger and said Hooray!" http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08042004 |
| Achewood - August 4, 2005 | Ray Smuckles: A doo-da doo-da doo-da doo! / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08042005 |
| Achewood - August 4, 2006 | [[Ray is on his computer talking to a cellphone. A Martini glass is next to him.]]
/ Ray: I mean, his rhymes are alright, but this only signature move is a crotch-grab. Yeah, I know. That's Michael's move. Everybody knows that.
/ [[Ray lifts the glass]]
/ Ray: Well, I tell him to try somethin' new, and he thinks for a minute, but then he just does the same old crotch grab, only this time he'll like stamp his foot or puff out his cheeks. It's startin' to get frustrating.
/ [[Ray attempts to put the Martini on the top of the monitor.]]
/ Ray: Oh, hold on, Connie. I'm gettin' another call.
/ [[Glass wobbles slightly on the top on his monitor]]
/ Ray: Yeah, hello? Oh, hey Beef. What's up? I got Cornelius helpin' me out on the other line.
/ [[The Martini falls, startling Ray]]
/ Ray: Well, I'm having some trouble with Dirt Man Idiot, this new talent I just signed, and he's just kinda bein' my sounding board. He's cool that way.
/ [[Ray is adjusting the monitor]]
/ Well, Dirt Man can't think up a signature move or stance, so he just rips off Michael Jackson's crotch grab, even thought we've had discussions about him not doin' that.
/ [[Ray is wiping off the residue from the spilled Martini]]
/ ...Frame his face with his open hands to make like a sunflower, only frown real hard. Hey, I like that! Dirt Man Idiot could "flash you the sunflower!" Nice, man! / Say, what'd you call about ,anyway? / [[Ray is adjusting the monitor. Someone is knocking his door.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08042006 |
| Achewood - August 4, 2006 | [[Ray is on his computer talking to a cellphone. A Martini glass is next to him.]]
/ Ray: I mean, his rhymes are alright, but this only signature move is a crotch-grab. Yeah, I know. That's Michael's move. Everybody knows that.
/ [[Ray lifts the glass]]
/ Ray: Well, I tell him to try somethin' new, and he thinks for a minute, but then he just does the same old crotch grab, only this time he'll like stamp his foot or puff out his cheeks. It's startin' to get frustrating.
/ [[Ray attempts to put the Martini on the top of the monitor.]]
/ Ray: Oh, hold on, Connie. I'm gettin' another call.
/ [[Glass wobbles slightly on the top on his monitor]]
/ Ray: Yeah, hello? Oh, hey Beef. What's up? I got Cornelius helpin' me out on the other line.
/ [[The Martini falls, startling Ray]]
/ Ray: Well, I'm having some trouble with Dirt Man Idiot, this new talent I just signed, and he's just kinda bein' my sounding board. He's cool that way.
/ [[Ray is adjusting the monitor]]
/ Well, Dirt Man can't think up a signature move or stance, so he just rips off Michael Jackson's crotch grab, even thought we've had discussions about him not doin' that.
/ [[Ray is wiping off the residue from the spilled Martini]]
/ ...Frame his face with his open hands to make like a sunflower, only frown real hard. Hey, I like that! Dirt Man Idiot could "flash you the sunflower!" Nice, man! / Say, what'd you call about ,anyway? / [[Ray is adjusting the monitor. Someone is knocking his door.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08042006 |
| Cussing redux | Philippe: I don't get it, Billy! How come I have to say so many cusses? / Billy Idol's voice: SAYING CUSSES IS POWER / [[Todd drives up in his van.]]
/ Todd: He's right ya know!
/ Billy Idol's voice: WHO ARE YOU LITTLE ONE / Todd: I'm T-T-Todd! And believe you me, I know the power of a cuss!
/ Billy Idol's voice: YOU DO, DO YOU GOOD MAN / [[SOON]]
/ Billy Idol's voice: TODD DID YOU KNOW THAT AN UNBORN CHILD CAN STILL SENSE CUSSES AND BE HURT BY THEM
/ Todd: Yeah, of course! Of course! / Billy Idol's voice: IT'S TRUE THEY HOOK THE MOTHER UP TO A MACHINE THAT CAN SEPARATE TEARS FROM AMNIOTIC FLUID
/ Todd: Right, right! / Billy Idol's voice: IN CASES WHERE THERE IS CUSSING THE FLUID IS SHOWN TO BE UP TO 7 PERCENT DILUTED WITH TEARS
/ Todd: Hey, this ain't news to me, pal! / {{alt text: Roast Beef did so many things while I tried to write this strip. In the end he stayed on the moon.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08052002 |
| Cussing redux | Philippe: I don't get it, Billy! How come I have to say so many cusses? / Billy Idol's voice: SAYING CUSSES IS POWER / [[Todd drives up in his van.]]
/ Todd: He's right ya know!
/ Billy Idol's voice: WHO ARE YOU LITTLE ONE / Todd: I'm T-T-Todd! And believe you me, I know the power of a cuss!
/ Billy Idol's voice: YOU DO, DO YOU GOOD MAN / [[SOON]]
/ Billy Idol's voice: TODD DID YOU KNOW THAT AN UNBORN CHILD CAN STILL SENSE CUSSES AND BE HURT BY THEM
/ Todd: Yeah, of course! Of course! / Billy Idol's voice: IT'S TRUE THEY HOOK THE MOTHER UP TO A MACHINE THAT CAN SEPARATE TEARS FROM AMNIOTIC FLUID
/ Todd: Right, right! / Billy Idol's voice: IN CASES WHERE THERE IS CUSSING THE FLUID IS SHOWN TO BE UP TO 7 PERCENT DILUTED WITH TEARS
/ Todd: Hey, this ain't news to me, pal! / {{alt text: Roast Beef did so many things while I tried to write this strip. In the end he stayed on the moon.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08052002 |
| Achewood - August 5, 2004 | [[Waterbury stands by a table at which Ray sits, eating cake or something.]]
/ Ray: So where you from, Waterbury?
/ Waterbury: London, sir. / Ray: You know, people always say that.
/ Waterbury: Particularly those in my lineage, sir. / Ray: No, I mean you might be from like Trembly-on-Kent, but you say London because you think that's the only place in England I've heard of!
/ Waterbury: I am in fact from London, sir. Documents abound, sir. / Ray: I just think it might be polite if you told people you were from a place they hadn't heard of, you know?
/ Waterbury: Have you a suggestion as to a false heritage, sir? / [[Closeup of Ray, mouth full, pointing his knife at Waterbury]]
/ Ray: Let's make you kind of dangerous, like an ex-007 in hiding! / [[Waterbury and Ray at the table]]
/ Waterbury: I...I fear, sir, that such a revelation might compromise my purported seclusion.
/ Ray: Huh. Good point. Okay, be from London. / [[Closeup of Waterbury]]
/ Waterbury: Thank you, sir. / [[Title: LATER. Waterbury against a dark background, talking into a cell phone]]
/ Waterbury: Agent M-9 reporting. Possibly but improbably made by host. Odds very much against it. Shall keep your grace apprised. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08052004 |
| Achewood - August 5, 2005 | [[The Philippe Times Vol. 7 No. 8]]
/ Friday Facts!
/ by Philippe, editor-in-chief [[A picture of Phillipe in a football helmet is next to the byline.]]
/ DID YOU KNOW...
/ ...That I stayed up way too late (new shoes!) and forgot to write my column? I am going to be bad and steal one of Teodor's Cokes so I have some energy. "The show must go on," they say. / Gulp! Hooray! So cold and tasty! / Yum! Did you know the main flavor in Coke is cola, a bean flavored by the mexican tree shrew? I saw this on Animal Planet over one year ago, but look how good Coke has made my memory!
/ Roast Beef sundbeurned his neck and he was in our kitchen scratching it so I sprayed him with the faucet! Ha ha! He said "Oh uh sorry to do such a gross act in your place I dserved that." What a nerd! / RULER NEWS: I can break a ruler! / ***OLD PERSON FACT ALERT***
/ Your butt is "something you don't show to people." This is according to Mr. Bear, who is old and eating dinner.
/ [[Phillipe running past Mr. Bear, who is seated at the dinner table.]]
/ If you throw an orange at the refrigerator, it will kind of smash open, but not an apple! It will bruise. Food fact!
/ Mr. Bear just said that I am being a "Holy Hell"! Do you think that priests in Holy Hell wear sleeveless robes? I do!
/ A rabbit's foot is considered good luck because the hunter would give it to his kids to signify that he had had good luck and lots of the best legends come from kids and now I will tell you a legend of my own it is about the famous Princess who was buried beneath Hogwarts (this is my personal Harry Potter story that I invented) and only Harry Potter's kiss could bring her back to life and she is the one he is supposed to marry not ugly Hermione anddddddddddddddddddddd[]\
/ Whoah, what happened? I woke up at the computer and most of my colun was written! Phew, what a relief. I will e-mail Roast Beef and he can read it and lay it out for tomorrow. My eyes are all dry and I need to get in the bed. Bye for now!
/ [[Phillipe finishes here, and a line break separates his column from Roast Beef's commentary.]]
/ Note from Roast Beef: Technically, I am a geek, not a nerd, as I did not excel at all studies but mainly technical ones.
/ {{title text: Monday: Lyle's Harry Potter fan fiction}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08052005 |
| Achewood - August 5, 2005 | [[The Philippe Times Vol. 7 No. 8]]
/ Friday Facts!
/ by Philippe, editor-in-chief [[A picture of Phillipe in a football helmet is next to the byline.]]
/ DID YOU KNOW...
/ ...That I stayed up way too late (new shoes!) and forgot to write my column? I am going to be bad and steal one of Teodor's Cokes so I have some energy. "The show must go on," they say. / Gulp! Hooray! So cold and tasty! / Yum! Did you know the main flavor in Coke is cola, a bean flavored by the mexican tree shrew? I saw this on Animal Planet over one year ago, but look how good Coke has made my memory!
/ Roast Beef sunburned his neck and he was in our kitchen scratching it so I sprayed him with the faucet! Ha ha! He said "Oh uh sorry to do such a gross act in your place I deserved that." What a nerd! / RULER NEWS: I can break a ruler! / ***OLD PERSON FACT ALERT***
/ Your butt is "something you don't show to people." This is according to Mr. Bear, who is old and eating dinner.
/ [[Phillipe running past Mr. Bear, who is seated at the dinner table.]]
/ If you throw an orange at the refrigerator, it will kind of smash open, but not an apple! It will bruise. Food fact!
/ Mr. Bear just said that I am being a "Holy Hell"! Do you think that priests in Holy Hell wear sleeveless robes? I do!
/ A rabbit's foot is considered good luck because the hunter would give it to his kids to signify that he had had good luck and lots of the best legends come from kids and now I will tell you a legend of my own it is about the famous Princess who was buried beneath Hogwarts (this is my personal Harry Potter story that I invented) and only Harry Potter's kiss could bring her back to life and she is the one he is supposed to marry not ugly Hermione anddddddddddddddddddddd[]\
/ Whoah, what happened? I woke up at the computer and most of my column was written! Phew, what a relief. I will e-mail Roast Beef and he can read it and lay it out for tomorrow. My eyes are all dry and I need to get in the bed. Bye for now!
/ [[Phillipe finishes here, and a line break separates his column from Roast Beef's commentary.]]
/ Note from Roast Beef: Technically, I am a geek, not a nerd, as I did not excel at all studies but mainly technical ones.
/ {{title text: Monday: Lyle's Harry Potter fan fiction}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08052005 |
| Conspirogami. | [[Lyle and Nice Pete. Lyle is pointing at a twenty dollar bill, which he holds.]]
/ LYLE: Hey Pete, check it out! You seen how you can fold a twenty to show a picture of the twin towers AND the Pentagon on fire? / [[Nice Pete looks down, presumably watching Lyle fold the bill.]] / [[He looks up at Lyle's face, silent.]] / NICE PETE: Of course / NICE PETE: Here's a little two-parter I discovered last summer that I am pretty proud of
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08052008 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08052009">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08052009 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
Archive Page:
<< 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40
41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 >>