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Achewood - July 21, 2004 [[We see the prototype for the SaniTaco! single serving prep counter; a glass box whose content in accessible through arm length rubber gloves]] / RAY: Alright, Lyle. Here's the prototype for the SaniTaco! single serving prep counter. / [[RAY inserts his hands in the rubber gloves and starts assembling a taco. LYLE looks on, puzzled.]] / RAY: Put your hands in these rubber gloves... ... unlatch the taco meat, and put it on the tortilla. / [[The taco assembled, RAY pushes it towards the edge of the glass box with a grunt]] / RAY: Push the finished taco closer to the wall... / <> / RAY: Then just ask the customer to break the safety seal and take out their taco! Go on, you try it! / [[LYLE inserts a hand in the SaniTaco! single serving prep counter]] / LYLE: Here's your taco. The doctors did everything they could. I'm.. I'm sorry. / RAY: Man, don't act like the taco died! Come on, Lyle! Come on! / [[With his hand still in a rubber glove, LYLE gives RAY the "finger"]] / {{This cartoon makes an extremely important social comment and I expect to be having lunch with Boondocks by the end of the week.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07212004
Achewood - July 21, 2005 Philippe: Heya, Lie Bot! Wanna watch me dig a hole? Lie Bot: You know, if you dig that hole deep enough, you'll come out in China! Philippe: Really!? Lie Bot: I ga-ron-tee! Philippe: That's marvelous! Lie Bot: 35 Hsu-Giang Road, Guangding Prefecture 5070, Szechuan Province. You will emerge beneath the bed of Dr. Quang-Hai Li, an important yet violent dictator. Philippe: Oh my gosh! I'll get tortured! Lie Bot: If he's at work at the time, you may be able to escape to the street and cobble together a live of basic slavery. Philippe: Maybe digging this hole wasn't such a good idea after all. Lie Bot: On the other hand, if you present yourself well, you could convert him to Americanism and save thousands of lives! Think this one out, kid.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07212005
Achewood - July 21, 2005 [[Philippe, holding a shovel, stands next to a small hole.]] / Philippe: Heya, Lie Bot! Wanna watch me dig a hole? / Lie Bot: You know, if you dig that hole deep enough, you'll come out in China! / Philippe: Really!? / Lie Bot: I ga-ron-tee! / Philippe: That's marvelous! / Lie Bot: 35 Hsu-Giang Road, Guangding Prefecture 5070, Szechuan Province. You will emerge beneath the bed of Dr. Quang-Hai Li, an important yet violent dictator. / Philippe: Oh my gosh! I'll get tortured! / Lie Bot: If he's at work at the time, you may be able to escape to the street and cobble together a live of basic slavery. / Philippe: Maybe digging this hole wasn't such a good idea after all. / Lie Bot: On the other hand, if you present yourself well, you could convert him to Americanism and save thousands of lives! Think this one out, kid. / {{title text: Thank you, kid! Maybe America not so bad at all!}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07212005
Achewood - July 21, 2006 [[Téodor and Roast Beef are in a nondescript location. Téodor is holding an envelope and Roast Beef is looking up from some reading material]] / Téodor: Hey, I just got the photos from Ray's party back! / Roast Beef: Oh that's right well uh you got to promise to toss away any pics you got of me / Téodor: What? How come? / Roast Beef: Man you know how horrible the camera is to me. All adding ten pounds and an opinion about famous car drivers / [[Téodor looks through the photographs]] / Téodor: Whoah, you're right! What the hell is going on here? / Roast Beef: Told you so dude just throw them away. It's the Kazenzakis curse / [[Four photographs are shown: Roast Beef looking very fat, holding a beer, with Pat in the background with his back turned; Lyle drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while Beef looks large and angry with a slice of cake; Beef looking elated and really fat again, with his arm around Ray who is holding up a Martini; finally Beef squatting on the balcony, fat again, next to Andy the robot]] / Roast Beef: If someone starts to take a photo all the fat in our bodies aims toward the camera. Must be some ultra-primitive response intended to fake that we are wealthy or something. / {{alt-text: the last photo is what Leonard Brezhnev looked like when it got way too hot in his building and he had to go up to the roof}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07212006
Achewood - July 21, 2006 [[Téodor and Roast Beef are in a nondescript location. Téodor is holding an envelope and Roast Beef is looking up from some reading material]] / Téodor: Hey, I just got the photos from Ray's party back! / Roast Beef: Oh that's right well uh you got to promise to toss away any pics you got of me / Téodor: What? How come? / Roast Beef: Man you know how horrible the camera is to me. All adding ten pounds and an opinion about famous car drivers / [[Téodor looks through the photographs]] / Téodor: Whoah, you're right! What the hell is going on here? / Roast Beef: Told you so dude just throw them away. It's the Kazenzakis curse / [[Four photographs are shown: Roast Beef looking very fat, holding a beer, with Pat in the background with his back turned; Lyle drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while Beef looks large and angry with a slice of cake; Beef looking elated and really fat again, with his arm around Ray who is holding up a Martini; finally Beef squatting on the balcony, fat again, next to Andy the robot]] / Roast Beef: If someone starts to take a photo all the fat in our bodies aims toward the camera. Must be some ultra-primitive response intended to fake that we are wealthy or something. / {{alt-text: the last photo is what Leonid Brezhnev looked like when it got way too hot in his building and he had to go up to the roof}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07212006
Achewood § July 21, 2009 [[Ray and Teodor are strolling along]] / Teodor: How's this sapphic erotica contest gonna be judged? / Ray: The audience, man. Sentence by sentence, as we type it. The girls all hootin' and hollerin', cheerin' the good lines and booin' the bad. / Teodor: Wait. Have you ever actually tried writing under those conditions? / Ray: I'll tune 'em out, man. Don't get all Mr. Thinky up in my jam. / Teodor: Let's do a little test. Sit at my computer and type an original line of sapphic erotica, and I'll be a bar full of lesbians. / [[Ray is now at Teodor's computer. Teodor stands in the background, poised and ready to pounce]] / Subtitle: Then. / Ray: (Typing) It was noon, and- / <> / [[Teodor springs on Ray, who is noticeably surprised]] / Teodor: BOOOOO! WHY WAIT SO LONG TO FUCK!? COME DOWN HERE AND FLICK MY BEAN, UMBERTO ECO! THINK INSIDE MY BOX, MANDORA! / Ray: I... what was that all about, man? Women ain't talk that way! / Teodor: The hell they don't. You think when they get together without men, they get pruder? / Ray: Huh. ...Huh. Wow. Man, that makes a whole lotta sense. Like when Oprah has them all screamin' and waggin' their arms around about God knows what- not a jasper in sight. / Teodor: It's not their sexual preferences you need to think about, and it's not their femininity. / Teodor: They've got thick skins and quick instincts from a lifetime of reading the situation ahead of everyone else. There's no way you can write to them if you don't know them. / Ray: I... wow. T, I don't want to lose this contest. It should be you in the elephant costume, not me. Cool? / [[Ray is massaging his temples]] / Teodor: When I win it, I get to be Founder of Williams-Sonoma, right? / <> / Ray: (Thinking) Fine, let the guy be Founder of Williams-Sonoma. It ain't worth arguin' about. / {{Ray's willing to give up the mantle to save the loss. He's a big man, Smuckles.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07212009
Book Week Continues! [[Philippe is holding an electric guitar, talking to Lie Bot. An <> sound fills the room.]] / Philippe: Listen! A fire truck! What do you think happened, Lie Bot? / Lie Bot: Well, I heard on the radio that Billy Idol was in a pretty bad car crash not too far from here-- / [[Lie Bot begins to exit.]] / Lie Bot: Maybe his soul is passing into your body right now! / Philippe: Gosh! Do you think so? / [[Philippe spontaneously grows a white mohawk, black pants, and an ass.]] / Philippe [[thinking]]: Whoah! What's happening to me? / Billy Idol's voice: PHILIPPE CAN YOU HEAR ME PHILIPPE / Billy Idol's voice: TAKE MY TALENTS PHILIPPE USE THEM FOR GOOD NEVER EVIL / {{alt text: M.Y. R.A.D. C.H.I.L.I.E.S.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07222002
 
Achewood - July 22, 2003 It doesn't matter what you said, Ray! You don't actually have to become a dentist! / Listen, I said those words on the Internet. / I can't just take them back. / Sure you can! We'll just delete the file! / Sorry, I guess that's just not the kind of man I am, Teodor. / If I make a promise on the Internet, you can be DAMN sure I'm gonna keep it. / I got mad respect for the Internet. / You don't even know what the Internet IS! / Oh yeah?! You about to be taken to SCHOOL! / The Internet is a place for a man / To put a picture of himself dressed as a lady / It's a magical chat room where Tinkerbell_9 / Is a Dutch boy with a poster of Greg Brady / It's a place where dreams come true / In the form of "mpeg" files / If you want you can download a clip / Where an Iranian shoots a horse in the brain / Rock over TCP/IP, Rock on XML
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07222003
Achewood - July 22, 2004 Teodor: Hey, Philippe, look! I got a police scanner! / Philippe: Oh boy! What's it for? / Teodor: You can listen in on police cars and see what they're doing! / Philippe: Oh, boy! Maybe we can solve a crime! / <> / Car 15: Car 38 this is Car 15 do you copy / Car 38: 15 this is 38 what's your position / Car 15: I'm in the alley along the Wells Fargo facing the street / Car 38: You're kidding, pull forward about five feet / Car 15: Okay I just did / Car 38: Ha ha I can see the hood of your car now / Car 15: No way are you serious / Car 38: Ha ha I sure am / Car 15: Okay how about you pull forward a little bit then / Car 38: Okay I did that / Car 15: Ha ha now I can see your hood too / [[Silence]] / Car 15: Hey wait why'd you back up 38 / Car 38: I...I just got kind of weirded out
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07222004
Achewood - July 22, 2005 [[Scoreboard: ACHEWOOD LITTLE LEAGUE - ACHEWOOD A'S 9, GUEST 2 / Cat kids in caps and numbered shirts cluster around a well-stocked cooler]] / Kid: Wow, Mrs. Smuckles! This is such great stuff! Thank you! / Kid: Wow, Coke AND Pepsi! / Kid: Orangina! / Kid: Blue Nehi! / Kid: Wow! / Kid: A bowl of mini-Caramellos! / Kid: Candy apples! / Kid: What's "Godiva"? / [[Young Ray is wearing shades]] / Ray: What'd I tell you guys! My mom's the best! / Kid: I love when it's your mom's turn to bring drinks! Oh, and nice hits today, Ray! / Ray: Heh! Thanks! / [[Darker and gloomier than previous panels. Scoreboard: ACHEWOOD LITTLE LEAGUE - ACHEWOOD A'S 0, GUEST 3. The kids cluster around young Roast Beef, who has a plain T-shirt and cap with hand-written 'A' on it]] / Kid: BEEF! Where's your mom, dork? The game ended twenty minutes ago! / Kid: Yeah, where's your mom with our sodas? It was HER TURN! / Beef: Sorry guys uh her car has been pretty bad lately and uh maybe she had to get a taxi / Kid: Roast Beef is POOR! His mom is a SLUT! / Kid: Thanks for nothin, Beef! / Kid: Slut-of-a-bitch! / Kid: ha ha! / [[They walk away, leaving Beef closing his eyes and covering his ears]] / Kid: We're leavin'! I'm gettin' poorer just LOOKIN' at you! / Kid: Let's go somewhere Roast Beef can't! / Kid: Yeah, like to the doctor!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07222005
Achewood - July 22, 2005 [[Scoreboard: ACHEWOOD LITTLE LEAGUE - ACHEWOOD A'S 9, GUEST 2 / Cat kids in caps and numbered shirts cluster around a well-stocked cooler]] / Kid: Wow, Mrs. Smuckles! This is such great stuff! Thank you! / Kid: Wow, Coke AND Pepsi! / Kid: Orangina! / Kid: Blue Nehi! / Kid: Wow! / Kid: A bowl of mini-Caramellos! / Kid: Candy apples! / Kid: What's "Godiva"? / [[Young Ray is wearing shades]] / Ray: What'd I tell you guys! My mom's the best! / Kid: I love when it's your mom's turn to bring drinks! Oh, and nice hits today, Ray! / Ray: Heh! Thanks! / [[Darker and gloomier than previous panels. Scoreboard: ACHEWOOD LITTLE LEAGUE - ACHEWOOD A'S 0, GUEST 3. The kids cluster around young Roast Beef, who has a plain T-shirt and cap with hand-written 'A' on it]] / Kid: BEEF! Where's your mom, dork? The game ended twenty minutes ago! / Kid: Yeah, where's your mom with our sodas? It was HER TURN! / Beef: Sorry guys uh her car has been pretty bad lately and uh maybe she had to get a taxi / Kid: Roast Beef is POOR! His mom is a SLUT! / Kid: Thanks for nothin, Beef! / Kid: Slut-of-a-bitch! / Kid: ha ha! / [[They walk away, leaving Beef closing his eyes and covering his ears]] / Kid: We're leavin'! I'm gettin' poorer just LOOKIN' at you! / Kid: Let's go somewhere Roast Beef can't! / Kid: Yeah, like to the doctor! / {{alt text: Next Game: Pat's mom shows up with Clamato}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07222005
Achewood - July 22, 2005 [[Scoreboard: ACHEWOOD LITTLE LEAGUE - ACHEWOOD A'S 9, GUEST 2 / Cat kids in caps and numbered shirts cluster around a well-stocked cooler]] / Kid: Wow, Mrs. Smuckles! This is such great stuff! Thank you! / Kid: Wow, Coke AND Pepsi! / Kid: Orangina! / Kid: Blue Nehi! / Kid: Wow! / Kid: A bowl of mini-Caramellos! / Kid: Candy apples! / Kid: What's "Godiva"? / [[Young Ray is wearing shades]] / Ray: What'd I tell you guys! My mom's the best! / Kid: I love when it's your mom's turn to bring drinks! Oh, and nice hits today, Ray! / Ray: Heh! Thanks! / [[Darker and gloomier than previous panels. Scoreboard: ACHEWOOD LITTLE LEAGUE - ACHEWOOD A'S 0, GUEST 3. The kids cluster around young Roast Beef, who has a plain T-shirt and cap with hand-written 'A' on it]] / Kid: BEEF! Where's your mom, dork? The game ended twenty minutes ago! / Kid: Yeah, where's your mom with our sodas? It was HER TURN! / Beef: Sorry guys uh her car has been pretty bad lately and uh maybe she had to get a taxi / Kid: Roast Beef is POOR! His mom is a SLUT! / Kid: Thanks for nothin, Beef! / Kid: Slut-of-a-bitch! / Kid: ha ha! / [[They walk away, leaving Beef closing his eyes and covering his ears]] / Kid: We're leavin'! I'm gettin' poorer just LOOKIN' at you! / Kid: Let's go somewhere Roast Beef can't! / Kid: Yeah, like to the doctor! / {alttext: Next game: Pat's mom shows up with Clamato}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07222005
Achewood - July 22, 2008 Narrator: IN THE DRIVEWAY / [[Ramses Luther Smuckles is standing next to a Mustang II in the driveway, while a fat man sleeps in it.]] / Ramses: [[thinking]] My word but there is a whole lotta Tommy Bahama goin' on inside that nasty old '75. / [[Ramses bends closer and taps on the glass]] / Ramses: [[thinking]] Wait a damn minute, that's Rod Huggins! Of all the gin joints in all the world... / Narrator: ALSO. / [[A long black bus, of 1930s or 1940s vintage, pulls into the driveway. On the roof are what appear to be giant surf boards]] / <> / [[A black-booted foot steps out]] / <> / [[Ramses and Rod Huggins are standing in the driveway making conversation]] / Ramses: So there I was, fillin' up an extra seat on that sixteen-hour illegal gay party flight into Havana, when Picnic Panic Two starts playin' on the screen. / [[The Tenmen sneak by as Ramses and Rod speak]] / Ramses: Now, I ain't qualified to comment on the quality of what you do-- / Ramses: To a man of my years it just looks like a lot of tricky [[italic]]commotion-- / Ramses: --but the sight of that picnic basket of yours kept my mind alive through some [[italic]] marathon Commie ass beating. / Rod: It was Hickory Farms! I was SUCH an amateur!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07222008
Achewood - July 23, 2002 [[Philippe is holding an electric guitar and is dressed like a rocker. He is conversing with Billy Idol's soul, which has taken residence in his body.]] / Philippe: But Billy Idol! Why did your soul go into me? / Billy Idol: YOU WERE THE NEAREST PERSON WHO WAS ROCKING AT THE INSTANT THAT I DIED / Philippe: What do you want me to do, Billy? / Billy Idol: EXIST AS A MIXTURE OF SEXINESS AND DANGER / Billy Idol: THAT IS ALL
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07232002
 
Achewood - July 23, 2004 [[At Lyle's SaniTaco stand (The Safe, Fun Taco)]] / Ray Smuckles: Lyle! What in damn hell are you doing'? / < / Lyle: Shampooin' Teodor! You don't cut dry hair, dude. / Ray Smuckles: You don't cut hair at SaniTaco, period! That goes against everything we stand for! / Lyle: Business was slow! / Ray Smuckles: Business is slow because people think they're gonna get a sideburn in their food! / Ray Smuckles: Look at this! Shears on the counter, ashtray near the beans, Nugget magazine Letters page all lyin' open close to the salsa... / [[Ray Smuckles examines the Nugget magazine]] / Ray Smuckles: Ahem! [[reading from Nugget magazine]] "Lyle took off his SaniTaco shirt to reveal a broad, strong chest. I pulled down my skirt and sat on the gleaming white food prep area. Lyle wiped two tortillas under his arm and put them back with the rest. It seemed to give him energy." / [[Ray Smuckles crosses his arms and give Lyle a pointed, accusing look]] / {{Ray is so pissed that Lyle sent disparaging erotic fiction to Nugget Magazine}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07232004
Achewood - July 23, 2004 [[At Lyle's SaniTaco stand (The Safe, Fun Taco)]] / Ray Smuckles: Lyle! What in damn hell are you doing'? / < / Lyle: Shampooin' Teodor! You don't cut dry hair, dude. / Ray Smuckles: You don't cut hair at SaniTaco, period! That goes against everything we stand for! / <> / Lyle: Business was slow! / Ray Smuckles: Business is slow because people think they're gonna get a sideburn in their food! / [[Tedor surfaces, dripping and looking bemused]] / Ray Smuckles: Look at this! Shears on the counter, ashtray near the beans, Nugget magazine Letters page all lyin' open close to the salsa... / [[Ray Smuckles examines the Nugget magazine]] / Ray Smuckles: Ahem! [[reading from Nugget magazine]] "Lyle took off his SaniTaco shirt to reveal a broad, strong chest. I pulled down my skirt and sat on the gleaming white food prep area. Lyle wiped two tortillas under his arm and put them back with the rest. It seemed to give him energy." / [[Ray Smuckles crosses his arms and give Lyle a pointed, accusing look]] / {{Ray is so pissed that Lyle sent disparaging erotic fiction to Nugget Magazine}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07232004
Ray Bests Up On Beef [[Ray is talking on the phone, standing]] Ray: I know I done you wrong, Beef. And I got a way to make it up to you. / Ray: See, you know how weddings are dumb-expensive, and the bride's family usually pays, only your bride ain't got one? / Ray: I'm gonna foot the whole thing, from the Save the Dates to the bridesmaids' morning-after pills! / Don't say no, now! You two hold on to whatever nest egg you got. / Ray: Good. it's the only honorable thing I can do. What? / Don't you worry 'bout how I'm gonna pay for it. / [[A letter on Harlequin Romance letterhead]] Dear Ray, / We were thrilled to read your proposal for LOVE IN THE TIME OF LOLCATS. This red-hot topic is taking the world by storm, and we are prepared to offer you an advance of $25,000 for a 250pp. manuscript, with an additional $100 bonus for every page beyond that. We need to send the final draft to Hong Kong by Friday. / PS Julie loved your suggested closing line: "YES, I WILL HAS UR BABEY, RONALDO." :) / Kristi / Series Development / {{t is always wise to supply a killer closing line because it is often the only line the buyer reads, out of guilt at having attempted reading.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07232007
Achewood § July 23, 2009 [[The first panel shows the J. Vincent J. Lemoni Public Arena. A large crowd has gathered outside. "Tonight: The New Kings Of Sapphic Erotica" is on the marquee]] / [[Ray is handing the head of the the elephant costume to Teodor]] / Ray: Okay, Chuck just checked in with wardrobe. Get this on, I got to be scarce. / [[Teodor puts the head on]] / Teodor: (Thinking) Wow. Chuck Williams. Peter to Julia's Jesus... this could be my big break! / <> / [[Chuck enters the room with a cane, dressed in his elephant costume. Teodor extends his hand. He is carrying a book under his shoulder]] / Subtitle: Soon. / Teodor: Hi, Mr. Williams! It's an honor to meet you! While we're waiting, could you take a look at my cookbook manuscript? / [[Chuck waves his cane in the air]] / Chuck: Smuckles! I see you took the reserve portion of obliviousness which you withhold from your writing and focused it on these costumes! They lack ventilation. I am unhappy. / [[Chuck puts his cane down again. Teodor stands, nonplussed, hand still extended]] / <> / [[There is a pause during which Teodor slumps slightly, crestfallen]] / Chuck: Oh, buck up, you worm. Show me how to microwave a bowl of pizza or cut hot dogs into cereal. Beats talking to you. / [[Chuck is reading the book]] / Subtitle: But. / Chuck: I say, Smuckles! I applaud the balance you strike between the molecular frippery of "alginates" and the modernized approaches to Careme's mother sauces! / Chuck: Why, this is the next Joy of Cooking if I'm a day! Mind your Ps and Qs tonight, young man, and I'll publish one hundred thousand copies! / Teodor: You... you want me to throw the contest? / Chuck: I need you to handicap yourself the way Seabiscuit needed a head start on a basset hound. / [[Chuck puts his hand on Teodor's shoulder. Teodor fumes]] / Chuck: Just try not to embarrass yourself to the point of federal intervention and we'll be fine. / Teodor: (Thinking) You know what? Screw this old man. I'm gonna write his jive-talking ass into the ground tonight. / <>
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07232009
Achewood - July 24, 2002 [[Philippe is possessed by the soul of Billy Idol. He is accordingly dressed and styled, and is wielding an electric guitar.]] / Billy Idol: YOU HAVEN'T GOT A MOTORCYCLE? / Philippe: No... but I do have a pretty neat bicycle! My mom-- / Billy Idol: STOP! / Philippe: W-what? / Billy Idol: FROM NOW ON YOU MUST CALL IT A SEX BICYCLE
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07242002
Achewood - July 24, 2003 Heading: THE ADVICE COLUMNIST / Letter: Dear Ray, What gave you the idea to start an advice column? It seems to me that you have no qualifications whatsoever. S.D., Internet / Ray: Dear S.D., It's funny: at first this letter sounded like kind of an insult to me. / Ray (typing): But when I re-read it, it just sounded like an honest question that my readers deserve to have answered. / Ray: Advice columnists are kind of a unique lot, like blimp pilots, in that we're mostly self-taught. / Ray: I personally started by reading a few sections in this really old Amy Vanderbilt etiquette book that I found sealed in a plastic bag in the toilet tank. / Ray (out loud): That was so weird! / Ray (typing): It was mostly about, like, where to put your fork if the King is over for dinner, or how to instruct the maid to fold tennis whites for guests who are playing before luncheon, but it sparked something in me. I had been bitten by the "advice bug." / Ray (out loud): Alright, this is getting boring. / Ray (typing): Okay, I have to go run some errands. Up yours if this was actually meant to be an insult (but not up yours if not). -Ray / Footer: Find more great advice every Wednesday in Ray's Place!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07242003
 
Achewood - July 24, 2008 (Blunderbuss Comix No. 1) [[Nice Pete stands alone in dim lighting near the side of Ray's house, holding a slim gift box and rehearsing what he will say when presenting his wedding gift to Roast Beef and Molly. He is dressed in his Sunday best, wearing a short-sleeved dress shirt and thin tie, with his hair is combed back sleekly. He is greying at the temples and his trademark moustache is combed into a shape that flares at the bottom.]] / Nice Pete: Mr. and Mrs. Kazenzakis, I bring you this gift. It is Asti Spumante, a wine famed for being served...for serving with chicken, beer, or fish. / [[[Pete clenches his eyes and grits his teeth in frustration, making his head vibrate slightly. a thought bubble is next to his head.]] / NO / no / NO! / [[Pete, face now composed, tries again.]] / Nice Pete: Mr. and Mrs. Kazenzakis, I bring to you the gift of Martini & Rossi Asti Spumante. Save it now, or drink it later, to celebrate with almost any occasion / [[inset panel, pete again clenches and vibrates in frustration]] / <> / [[Pete tries yet again, not so composed this time, sporting worried eyebrows]] / Nice Pete: Ahem. Mr. and Mrs. Kazenzakis, on the day of your wedding, I bring you Asti Spumante. It is the perfect accompaniment to friends or light steaks. / [[two small panels in closeup show nice pete again clenched, mouth working as he tries to contain his rage]] / [[Nice pete loses his battle and appears to roar out musical notes, his face contorted with anger, mouth open wide]] / [[Scene switches to the reception, where Doctor Andretti and his mother, holding wine, are chatting with Roast Beef.]] / Doc Andretti: This is a stressful time, and you may get shingles. / [[Dr Andretti's mother looks annoyed at this social faux pas]] / Mother: Paul! / [[Beef isn't paying attention, he has jerked his head far to the left with a look of surprise.]] / [[Scene switches to the Tenmen on a small dias, playing at the reception! Above their heads float musical notes, including the riff we heard while Pete was apparently screaming. In the foreground are Spongebath, wearing shades and a suit and looking pleased; Cornelius, with one eyebrow cocked and looking bemused; Chucklebot, in a tuxedo and smiling widely toward offpanel, and Molly, eyes closed in bliss with her arms wide open as if she is conducting, or possibly floating across the floor like a ballet dancer.]] / [Ray, in a tuxedo and his Versace shades, stands next to Beef with a tiny smile of satisfaction on his face as they both look toward the band]] / Roast Beef: Oh crouching Jesus in the shadows a man was never this much of another man's dogg / [[Ray puts his arm around beef's shoulder, still smiling as he responds]] / Ray: I was tryin' to think of ways to top your bachelor party, but this is all I could come up with. / Roast Beef: Dude whittling a chain out of a two by four at gunpoint would have topped my bachelor party but this is /insane/ / LATER. / [[Ray and Molly's dad Iorwerth walk along chatting. You can tell they are walking because Ray's arms are swinging in his usual way. Iorwerth looks stern but pleased. Ray looks happy and a little vacant.]] / Iorwerth: Mr. Smuckles, you strike me as a man with little to no interest in the world as it presents itself. / Ray: Huh! / Iorwerth: You'll not mind, then, if we take young Charley back to Wales with us. He and Taffy are the fastest of friends. / Ray: Slumber party! Right! Send him off to Chamonix if he gets to be too much. They got my Mastercard on file. / [[Iowerth stands alone, looking determined, and cocks his blunderbuss]] / <> / {{title text: Iorwerth will now seek his Satisfaction.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07242008
Achewood - July 25, 2005 [[Téodor wanders outside the garage, where Philippe's car is parked.]] / Téodor: (thinks) Wow, Philippe's old car's out... haven't seen this thing in a while... / Téodor: (thinks) Oh sheesh, he put tacky stickers all over it... that kid. / [[Téodor looks in shocked silence at the bumper stickers]] / [[The first shows Calvin pissing into a toilet. The second shows Calvin, with the same expression, washing his hands.]] / {{Alt text: His license plate frame: MY OTHER CAR IS... ME!}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07252005
Achewood - July 25, 2006 [[PHILIPPE stands in the yard. Behind him, obscured by a bush, is LIE BOT.]] / Lie Bot: Psst! Philippe! Behind you! / Philippe: Lie Bot! What are you doing in that bush? / Lie Bot: I'm waiting to see if George Michael wanders in here looking for pleasure! Chances are, you know! / Philippe: Sounds good! I'll be inside if you need me. / Lie Bot: Okay. Great. / [[The bush that Lie Bot was hiding in.]] / Caption: SOON. / [[The fence.]] / [[GEORGE MICHAEL's head appears over the fence.]] / [[George Michael looks left.]] / [[George Michael looks right.]] / [[George Michael looks forward.]] / [[The bush.]] / [[George Michael adjusts his eyebrows.]] / [[George Michael climbs over the fence.]] / {{ALT TEXT: I absolutely love George Michael's new performance art career.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07252006
Achewood - July 25, 2007 Ray: You're damn right I said I rocked a whiskey dick all night! / Ray: Sssip / Ray: The HELL that's what it means! YOU'RE a MORON! / Ray: Huh?! / Ray: It means I drank so much whiskey that I had my game pipe up until I fell asleep! I was rad and walkin'! What the hell's it mean to YOU?! / Ray: That's pathetic. You talkin' 'bout Kahlua cock or somethin'. Sapporo schlong. If Jack Daniel's makes you anything less than the man with abilities in his pants, then I don't even want to know you.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07252007
Achewood - July 25, 2008 [[Molly's father comes up behind Taffy and Little Nephew, who are playing video games.]] / Molly's Father: Charley boy, how would ye like to go to a place where all there is to do is play lightnin' box with Taffy, mornin' til night? / Little Nephew: Study unda this playa? Awww hellzicious yes! / [[Molly's father whistles and readies his pistol]] / [[He places it against little nephew's chest and fires]] / <> / Narrator: AND LATER. / Roast Beef: Alright well I think we've got everybody up to the point where they're gonna wake up all nervous until they can mentally think back through the evening and make sure they didn't do somebody's aunt on a coffee table / Molly: Let's sneak away before people's aunts start using coffee tables as sex traction, sweetie. / Roast Beef: You had me at Sex Traction Aunts Getting Vodka-Rogered On Glass Furniture / Molly: All the magazines are saying that terrible is the new horrible, and that must be why I love you, Roast Beef K.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07252008
Achewood - July 25, 2008 [[Molly's father comes up behind Taffy and Little Nephew, who are playing video games.]] / Molly's Father: Charley boy, how would ye like to go to a place where all there is to do is play lightnin' box with Taffy, mornin' til night? / Little Nephew: Study unda this playa? Awww hellzicious yes! / [[Molly's father whistles and readies his pistol]] / [[He places it against little nephew's chest and fires]] / <> / Narrator: AND LATER. / Roast Beef: Alright well I think we've got everybody up to the point where they're gonna wake up all nervous until they can mentally think back through the evening and make sure they didn't do somebody's aunt on a coffee table / Molly: Let's sneak away before people's aunts start using coffee tables as sex traction, sweetie. / Roast Beef: You had me at Sex Traction Aunts Getting Vodka-Rogered On Glass Furniture / Molly: All the magazines are saying that terrible is the new horrible, and that must be why I love you, Roast Beef K.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07252008
 
a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07252010">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07252010 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
DID YOU THINK I'D STOP AT Panel 1 / Todd T. Squirrel: Sweet! Is this your new ride? / Philippe (possessed by Billy Idol): Hey! Don't touch the Sex Bicycle, Todd. / --- / Todd T. Squirrel: M-m-man! You must have some pretty wicked sack to be talkin' to me that way, Philippe! / --- / Philippe (possessed by Billy Idol): You'd better believe that I have wicked sack, Todd. / --- / {{alt-text: Jeez, now that everyone knows I fill out these captions, it's so embarrassing to use them}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07262002
Achewood - July 26, 2004 [[SaniTaco! The Safe, Fun Taco.]] / Ray Smuckles: I can't believe you wrote smutty stories about SaniTaco and sent them to Nugget magazine! This is gonna destroy us! / Lyle: The only thing that's gonna destroy us is if we don't start sellin' things to all those dudes out there! / [[Many dudes are in line, mostly sporting some facial hair]] / One of all those dudes out there: Is... Is this where the lady sat on the counter? / Other one of all those dudes out there: Are... Is Lyle here? / Ray Smuckles: Listen, you guys! No naked lady sat on the counter at SaniTaco! We are devoted to bringing you the safest, cleanest taco imaginable! Now who wants to order? / [[Lyle and Ray, each pushing the other's face]] / Lyle: I'M Lyle! Come see the counter where it all happened, five bucks! Shake my hand for ten! Buy my hair! / Ray Smuckles: This... ain't... the... business model... we... / Narration: SOON. / [[Lyle's hat if off]] / Lyle: The guy with the gold jewelry says he'd like to use the cart in his next gonzo shoot. / Ray Smuckles: Whatever. / {{Will Ray never realize his dream of selling a clean taco?}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07262004
Achewood - July 26, 2005 [[Molly and Roast Beef sit in Wendy's, looking at something in the middle distance.]] / [[A large, buxom cat is carrying a tray, seen from the shoulders down.]] / [[Molly whispers to Beef]] / Molly: If you stare at her chest any harder, you're gonna break one of her ribs. / [[Beef shakes and screws his eyes shut.]] / Beef: (thinks) Oh Crap / Beef: (thinks) Red-handed / Beef: (thinks) How do I get out of this / Beef: (thinks) Marriage proposal definitely too stong of a diversion / Beef: (thinks) Hm sometimes if you accuse a woman of doing something unsavory they just give you a silent scowl like you're the rude one for bringing it up / [[Beef pulls a strange face at Molly, who looks surprised.]] / Molly: What the hell was that? / Beef: It's that thing you ladies do! / Molly: Osteoporosis?! / {{Alt text: Sorry to give you furries such primo j/o material at work}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07262005
Achewood - July 26, 2005 [[Molly and Roast Beef sit in Wendy's, looking at something in the middle distance.]] / [[A large, buxom cat is carrying a tray, seen from the shoulders down.]] / [[Molly whispers to Beef]] / Molly: If you stare at her chest any harder, you're gonna break one of her ribs. / [[Beef shakes and screws his eyes shut.]] / Beef: (thinks) Oh Crap / Beef: (thinks) Red-handed / Beef: (thinks) How do I get out of this / Beef: (thinks) Marriage proposal definitely too strong of a diversion / Beef: (thinks) Hm sometimes if you accuse a woman of doing something unsavory they just give you a silent scowl like you're the rude one for bringing it up / [[Beef pulls a strange face at Molly, who looks surprised.]] / Molly: What the hell was that? / Beef: It's that thing you ladies do! / Molly: Osteoporosis?! / {{Alt text: Sorry to give you furries such primo j/o material at work}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07262005
Achewood - July 26, 2006 [[Ray is on a cellphone, sipping a martini.]] / Ray: So check it out, dude. I was in Whole Foods, you know, 'cause I had to get this special homeopathic foot powder- / Ray: -no, actually the pro down at the club recommends this one brand for your grip- / Ray: So I get all on that aisle with the hippie pills and stuff, only someone had totally just cut the cheese there and ditched. / Ray: Yeah, it totally was a health person fart, exactly. It was even like more humid in that area. / Ray: Anyhow, before I can leave, this cute clerk chick comes up to ask if I need help... / Ray: ...only she smells it too, and does that thing where she pretends she just remembered something and turns around on one foot while biting her lip and snapping her fingers. / Ray: That stressed me out, so I tried to light a smoke, only my Zippo ignited the damn air! Flames shot out like oak tree roots, ten feet around! / Ray: I guess that's called a "Whole Enchilada"? They actually see it pretty often, they said, what with Iraq War and all. I had to talk to a suicide counselor before they'd let me leave. / {{Not quite Quang Duc, but not quite the 60s, either}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07262006
 
Achewood - July 26, 2007 Philippe: LYLE! You did potty on my very last kids' book! / Lyle: Well you shouldn't 'a left it in the hallway! / Philippe: Say you're sorry! This one was my favorite! / Lyle: Aw...alright. Sorry, Philippe. Want me to write you a new one? / Philippe: If you can do a good job, that would be nice. / [[(SOON. Book title: CUNTY the SARDINE. Subtitle: "The Damnedest little fellow". By Lyle.)]] / Philippe: Oh boy! I sure hope Cunty wins the town race! That's the only way the Mayor won't turn his pond into an apartment for ungrateful people! / Lyle: Remember to put a dollar under the little tab every time you see Cunty! He needs that money to help him decide to win! / Philippe: Oh my goodness! How convenient!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07262007
Achewood - July 27, 2004 Cornelius: Oh, tum-ta-hummmtumtum! / Teodor: What's up with Cornelius lately? / Roast Beef: I don't know but he is humming hell of ditties / Molly: I think he's been winning a lot of money off of Ray at pool. / Roast Beef: Well all you need for that is two hands and some arms / Molly: Is Ray really bad at pool or something? / Roast Beef: Dude's game stinks so bad families in cars roll up the windows / Roast Beef: A dog raises its hackles if Ray's game comes toward it / Roast Beef: If Ray's game touches some eggs the mother bird will kill the eggs / Roast Beef: Ray's game is melted down chili pepper nailed to a board / Molly: Okay, I get it. / Roast Beef: Ray should wear a leather mask and shoot 8-ball in a cage in the traveling circus sideshow / Roast Beef: Hay all on the floor / Roast Beef: A man has a whip / [[Ray Smuckles is in the background, shooting pool with a leather mask on]] / Ray Smuckles: Watch this! / {{Mr. Bear is humming hell of ditties}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07272004
Achewood - July 27, 2005 Molly: Beef, I know you were looking at her chest. It bugs me more that you're lying about it. Roastbeef: How do you know I wasn't just looking at her necklace Molly: Fine, then. What was it made out of? RBeef: Jewelry Waitress: Hi! I don't mean to be rude, but were you looking at my necklace? RBeef: Oh uh yes why I think it is good ! Waitress: I bead these myself! Can I show you a few samples, if you're interested? Molly: I think you've shown him enough for one day, Bossie. Waitress: Excuse me? Molly: You heard me! Tiny RBeef in boobs: Go away! (To Molly)
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07272005
Achewood - July 27, 2005 Molly: Beef, I know you were looking at her chest. It bugs me more that you're lying about it. / Roast Beef: How do you know I wasn't just looking at her necklace / Molly: Fine, then. What was it made out of? / Roast Beef: Jewelry / Buxom Cat: Hi! I don't mean to be rude, but were you looking at my necklace? / Roast Beef: Oh uh yes why I think it is good ! / [[Roast Beef sticks his tongue out at Molly]] / Buxom Cat: I bead these myself! Can I show you a few samples, if you're interested? / Molly: I think you've shown him enough for one day, Bossie. / Buxom Cat: Excuse me? / Molly: You heard me! / [[Roast Beef fantasizing about being tiny and embedded in the cat's breasts]] / Tiny Roast Beef (to Molly): Go away !
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07272005
Achewood § July 27, 2009 [[The scene is a city skyline. In a single lit window, we see the silhouettes of Roast Beef and Lady Bourré a palm reader]] / Roast Beef: Yeah uh it's my first time I mean like I always seen the signs but it ain't I mean it wasn't what I thought was okay to do. / [[Close up on this lit window and the silhouettes therein]] / Bourré: Honey, never worry that I won't understand. Just be calm, and keep an open mind. / Roast Beef: I'll just sit back and keep outta your way then I mean you're the pro. / [[There is a pause as she reads his palm]] / [[She recoils]] / Bourré: Oh my God. Oh my God. / [[She points at his hand]] / Bourré: That line there... The Lash of Thanatos, the one that cuts right through your Life line... I... I've never seen it in person. / [[She backs away, clutching a small flower]] / Bourré: I have to ask that you never come back here again. Please, go. Go. / [[Roast Beef's cell phone rings, startling him]] / <<-R-R-RING!>> / [[He leaves her room and answers the phone. The sound of the door locking can be heard]] / <> / Roast Beef: Jesus Ray this ain't much of a time man is this important / Ray: (Over Phone) I'm in a bad place, Beef. I screwed somethin' up pretty big, actually. Rally 'round a brother? / Roast Beef: Oh uh of course dude just give me the 411 and I'm there / [[Roast Beef has arrived at the Sapphic Erotica Contes]. Ray is holding the elephant costume.]] / Subtitle: Soon. / Ray: Hey, man. I need you to emcee this lesbian erotica contest I got about to start. Wear this, cool? / Roast Beef: God dammit Ray do you know what kind of day I'm havin' and you just said WHAT to me?! / Announcer: FOUR... THREE... TWO... / Ray: Sorry, man, too late! Just read the lines off the teleprompter! / [[Roast Beef, Teodor, and Chuck are all wearing their identical elephant costumes. Chuck and Teodor are sitting in podiums in the background, while Roast Beef is standing in the front, adjusting the teleprompter. He is wearing shades]] / Subtitle: The preparation of notes and the clearing of throats. The battle is about to begin. / <> / <>
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07272009
Straight Eye for the Beef Guy [[Ray and Teodor watch television from a couch]] / Teodor: Hey! Is this that Queer Eye For The Straight Guy show? / Ray: Yeah-It's hilarious! / Ray: Man, look at that poor guy! He's like some kinda weed-head Oregon caveman! / Teodor: Wait 'til they get finished with him. I saw the previews, It's amazing. / Teodor: You know what?! We oughta do somethin' like this with Roast Beef! I bet he cleans up real well! / Ray: Whoah! That's a neat idea, T! Beef could cut a pretty sharp figure if he had some help! / Ray: Let's get cameras and stuff and document it! / Ray: Maybe we could send it in and get our own makeover show! / Teodor: We could totally ride the wave! / [[SOON]] / Teodor: The first thing we did was get Beef a brand new Power Mac G5! / Roast Beef: Dang man it looks like they got Jeff Goldblum writin' the ads AND the OS / Roast Beef: Talk about a computer which basically has AIDS / <> <> <> / {{Alt Text: Normal Eye for the Weird Guy}}
http://achewood.com/?date=07282003
Achewood - July 28, 2003 [Ray is sitting on a sofa, arms folded. Teodor is sitting on the floor, nect to the sofa.]] / Teodor: Hey! Is this that Queer Eye For The Straight Guy show? / Ray: Yeah-It's hilarious! / Ray: Man, look at that poor guy! He's like some kinda weed-head Oregon caveman! / Teodor: Wait till they get finished with him. I saw the previews, It's amazing / [[Teodor looks up to Ray]] / Teodor: You know what?! We oughtta do somethin' like this with Roast Beef! I bet he cleans up real well! / Ray: Whoah! That's a neat idea, T! Beef could cut a pretty sharp figure if he had some help! / Teodor: Let's get cameras and stuff and document it! / Ray: Maybe we could send it in and get our own makeover show! / Teodor: We could totally ride the wave! / {{Soon}} / [[We see, through the viewfinder of a camcorder Teodor, in a turtleneck, holding a microphone next to Roast Beef, who is sitting at his desk typing on a computer]] / Teodor: The first thing we did was gset Beef a brand new Power Mac G5! / Roast Beef: Dang man, it looks like they got Jeff Goldblum writin' the ads AND the OS. Talk about a computer which basically has AIDS. / {{title text: Normal Eye for the Weird Guy}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07282003
Achewood - July 28, 2003 [Ray is sitting on a sofa, arms folded. Teodor is sitting on the floor, nect to the sofa.]] / Teodor: Hey! Is this that Queer Eye For The Straight Guy show? / Ray: Yeah-It's hilarious! / Ray: Man, look at that poor guy! He's like some kinda weed-head Oregon caveman! / Teodor: Wait till they get finished with him. I saw the previews, It's amazing / [[Teodor looks up to Ray]] / Teodor: You know what?! We oughta do somethin' like this with Roast Beef! I bet he cleans up real well! / Ray: Whoah! That's a neat idea, T! Beef could cut a pretty sharp figure if he had some help! / Teodor: Let's get cameras and stuff and document it! / Ray: Maybe we could send it in and get our own makeover show! / Teodor: We could totally ride the wave! / {{Soon}} / [[We see, through the viewfinder of a camcorder Teodor, in a turtleneck, holding a microphone next to Roast Beef, who is sitting at his desk typing on a computer]] / Teodor: The first thing we did was get Beef a brand new Power Mac G5! / Roast Beef: Dang man it looks like they got Jeff Goldblum writin' the ads AND the OS. Talk about a computer which basically has AIDS. / {{title text: Normal Eye for the Weird Guy}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07282003
 

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