You're browsing the archives of Achewood.
You can search these comics too.

show: [ full transcriptions | abridged transcriptions | just the first line ]

Achewood - July 8, 2003 [[Ray and Roast Beef are sitting in chairs]] / Ray: Heh heh! Dang, Beef! / Ray: You were like the Martha Steward of condoms, all finding new and clever household uses for them! / Roast Beef: Hee hee / Roast Beef: "Pipe frosting, or even a fresh fruit coulis, through the tip of a punctured condom" / Ray: "Try using unlburicated condoms as condiment dispensures at your next backyard barbecue!" / Roast Beef: "Crack crab legs and claws inside a condom for a mess-free seafood dinner" / Ray: "A condom makes the ideal storage container for leftover risotto." / Roast Beef: "Wear a condom when working with raw poultry for an added layer of protection" / Ray: "Perforate a condom with a hole punch to make the perfect container for a bouquet garni." / Roast Beef: "Fill a condom with 1 part peat, 1 part sand, and 1 part water. There you go: you've just created the ideal germination environment for tarragon seeds." / Ray: Heh heh! That's just like somethin' she would say, isn't it?! / {{Put an unripe banana in a condom and throw it at a friend}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07082003
Achewood - July 8, 2003 [[Ray and Roast Beef are sitting in chairs]] / Ray: Heh heh! Dang, Beef! / Ray: You were like the Martha Steward of condoms, all finding new and clever household uses for them! / [[Roast Beef makes a smug Martha Stewart face]] / Roast Beef: Hee hee / Roast Beef: "Pipe frosting, or even a fresh fruit coulis, through the tip of a punctured condom" / Ray: "Try using unlburicated condoms as condiment dispensures at your next backyard barbecue!" / Roast Beef: "Crack crab legs and claws inside a condom for a mess-free seafood dinner" / Ray: "A condom makes the ideal storage container for leftover risotto." / Roast Beef: "Wear a condom when working with raw poultry for an added layer of protection" / Ray: "Perforate a condom with a hole punch to make the perfect container for a bouquet garni." / Roast Beef: "Fill a condom with 1 part peat, 1 part sand, and 1 part water. There you go: you've just created the ideal germination environment for tarragon seeds." / Ray: Heh heh! That's just like somethin' she would say, isn't it?! / {{Put an unripe banana in a condom and throw it at a friend}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07082003
Achewood - July 8, 2003 [[Ray and Roast Beef are sitting in chairs]] / Ray: Heh heh! Dang, Beef! / Ray: You were like the Martha Steward of condoms, all finding new and clever household uses for them! / Roast Beef: Hee hee / Roast Beef: "Pipe frosting, or even a fresh fruit coulis, through the tip of a punctured condom" / Ray: "Try using unlburicated condoms as condiment dispensers at your next backyard barbecue!" / Roast Beef: "Crack crab legs and claws inside a condom for a mess-free seafood dinner" / Ray: "A condom makes the ideal storage container for leftover risotto." / Roast Beef: "Wear a condom when working with raw poultry for an added layer of protection" / Ray: "Perforate a condom with a hole punch to make the perfect container for a bouquet garni." / Roast Beef: "Fill a condom with 1 part peat, 1 part sand, and 1 part water. There you go: you've just created the ideal germination environment for tarragon seeds." / Ray: Heh heh! That's just like somethin' she would say, isn't it?! / {{Put an unripe banana in a condom and throw it at a friend}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07082003
Achewood - July 8, 2004 [[Little Nephew is meeting with his Goth friends.]] / Taller Goth: Who is this elderly interloper, Lord Absinthe? / Little Nephew: He... he followed me in. I couldn't shake him. / [[Ray enters, dressed in Goth garb, speaks to Little Nephew and the two other young Goths]] / Ray: Hey now, everybody! Tonight is a very special night for us goths! / RAY: The reason why it is special is that I got us a very special guest! / Tall Goth: Who. / Ray: He is the main goth in this whole area! You gotta pull water with him or you're NOBODY! / Ray: Please welcome... / Ray: The Death Sound. / [[Nice Pete exposes himself, wearing only a cape. His genitals appear to be tucked between his legs. He sings.]] / <> / Nice Pete: I... AM... THE DEATH SOUND / [[Nice Pete slashes himself across the left breast.]] / <> / Nice Pete: AND I HAVE CUT MY BODY / [[Little Nephew and Tall Goth look on, appalled.]]
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07082004
Achewood - July 8, 2005 [[Nice Pete and Pat are at Support Group]] / Arthur: So welcome to Support Group, everyone! / Arthur: Has anyone had any Bad Problems since last time? / Pat: Nope. Not me. Next! / Nice Pete: Pat tell him / [[Pat turns to Nice Pete angrily]] / Pat: Hush now, Pete! / Nice Pete: Tell him what happened / Pat: Not now! / Arthur: Pat? Do you have a Bad Problem you would like to share with everyone? / Nice Pete: Pat has a Bad Problem / [[Pat points at Nice Pete]] / Pat: I do not! Lay off me, all of you! Hey, did you know that Nice Pete is Crazy?! / [[Nice Pete looks hurt]] / [[Nice Pete crosses his arms and looks off bitterly]] / Arthur: Pat, if you won't tell us your Bad Problems then it is unfair to get to hear our Bad Problems! / Pat: This is unbelievable! / Nice Pete: Pat cried but did not Accept that he cried / [[Pat stands and points at Nice Pete, shaking with anger]] / Pat: How DARE you! How DARE DARE DARE you! / [[Pat storms out as Arthur shouts after him]] / Arthur: Pat, you know what Mr. Gary says about crying! / Arthur: Crying is Nature's GAAAAS STAAATION! / <> / {alttext: Nice Pete is miffed that Pat outed him so gracelessly}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07082005
Achewood § July 8, 2008 A wide shot of the house, in darkness, with the caption: 'Wedding Day, 4.58am' / Teodor, dishevelled, is manically examining a bundle of papers in his hands. Teodor (thinks): Okay, that's everything through putting the reception trash out at the curb. Just need a one hour power-nap. / Teodor sleeps, flat on his back on a floor rug, mouth open. A cup of coffee, a pencil, and scattered lists surround him. / A wide shot of the house, morning sun over the east wing, the caption: 6.00am / In the dim light in the house, Teodor is in exactly the same position, fast asleep. / Phillipe is in bed in the dawn light. Phillipe (thinks): I will NOT drop the rings in the toilet... I will NOT drop the rings in the toilet... / Wide shot of the house in broad daylight, the caption: 2.29pm. / Teodor, in the now bright daylight, remains in exactly the same, unconscious position. / Lorwerth, Molly's father, peers in the window worriedly. / Lorwerth has become angry, he raps at the window wearing a frown. / Teodor, still sprawled on the rug, is now wide eyed with shocked awareness. / Lorwerth - still at the window: YOUNG FOOL! ARE YOU NOT THE COOK? CRATES OF FINE VICTUALS STAND AND SPOIL BENEATH THE MIDDAY SUN! / Teodor stares, agape, at Lorwerth. He is frozen by the enormity of the situation. / Lorwerth: I HOPE YOU'RE SERVIN TEA WITH THOSE SAUCER EYES, 'CAUSE YOU HAVE PISS-ALL ELSE TO SHOW! / We can see Teodor's dishevelled head receiving this angry tirade. / Lorwerth: SPRING SONS! Prepare the provisions to serve one hundered! SUMMER SONS! Set up chairs and delay the arriving guests with libation! AUTUMN SONS! For their additional diversion, perform physical antics! / The sons rush off past their father in rows, arms on the son in fronts' shoulders, some yelling and enthusiastic, some, particularly Cadwalader, grim-faced and determined. / Taffy and little Nephew are playing nintendo, Taffy, teeth bared, is emitting his vocal stream of 'Yeah's. / Lorwerth, from out of frame: TAFFY! As you were! / Little Nephew (thinks): Yeah, yeah. / Caption: Guests Arrive / Ray is greeting Simon with a handshake. / Ray: Simon! Hey, man, nice shirt! That Tommy Bahama? / Simon: Summer Event Collection! Good call, Ray! / {{Marcel does not travel with Simon because he gets fever ankles when he flies}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07082008
Achewood § July 8, 2009 [[The first panel is taken up with a large letter from Chuck Williams]] / Dear Mr. Smuckles, / Sadly it is true what you say. The public is not as willing as it once was to acquire such marvelous, joyful gourmet equipment as our FAA-approved In-flight Celery Root Denuder, or even such picnic essentials as our exclusive Piccolo(TM) Pocket Radish Juicer. It was in low spirits indeed that I took receipt of your letter. I despise virtually everything about your proposed "erotic copy" remedy, but my hands are tied. Go ahead, play the trophy wife for the Veblenian maze-rat she is. I am beyond caring about that vile, fair-weather demographic. I am nearly one hundred years old. Find enclosed a list of items in need of copy and send your work to my assistant Ronnie DiFaduzzio (x3917). Goodbye. Sincerely, Chuck Williams, Founder. / [[Ray and Cornelius are together, Ray holding apparently another sample page]] / Ray: Aight, Connie. Let's get those cougars creamin' for a... lemme see here... "Traditional Sicilian Caper Desalinizing Bowl." / Cornelius: Thirty-four dollars for a bowl with "Cappero" painted unevenly on the rim? I've seen finer lettering on necks. / Ray: Not your place to judge. You a ho of some pretty spendy smokes, if I need to say that. / [[Cornelius begins typing, and continues for several panels, as before]] / Subtitle: Soon. / Cornelius: (Typing) Judi relaxed at her kitchen's large granite island, a chilled Montrachet in her stemless Riedel. / <> / Cornelius: (Typing) Claudio, an olive skinned former lifeguard from Palermo, prepared to audition for her plum personal chef position. He inspected the stove, the cutlery, the pantry. / <> / Cornelius: (Typing) Suddenly, he stopped and grinned. Slowly, gently, his hands cupped and lifted an authentic Sicilian "Cappero" from a low drawer. She sipped her wine, discreetly undoing the lower-most button of her blouse. / <> / [[As Cornelius types this, Ray reenters the room, whistling to himself]] / Cornelius: (Typing) Until now, he had considered her nothing more than an inelegant, nouveau riche "Americana." The Cappero, though, proved her a woman of the world, a woman of taste, a woman practiced at holding her own in the fiery choreography of Mediterranean seduction. ### / <> / [[Ray takes the story and reads it]] / Ray: Riddle! What's the sound of a million Italian caper bowls gettin' sold? The sound of this piece of paper, existing. / Cornelius: You are too kind. Another sixty for the lurid, bespoke description of their carnal finale? / Ray: Make it a hundo, and go heavy on the foreplay. I actually do like that stuff, and I felt like you rushed the last one.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07082009
 
Achewood - July 9, 2002 [[Ray's house, presumably. Ray, martini in hand, is on the phone with Roast Beef, who is on the moon.]] / Ray: Roast Beef! I made a really rad model train layout! Don't you want to come see it? / Roast Beef (V.O.): Man that sounds like some real B.S. Ray / [[Ray gestures expansively with his glass.]] / Ray: It goes through a tunnel! But even better is that when it gets to the hopper, it actually drops off tiny little payloads! Soooooo realistic! / Roast Beef (V.O.): You better not be messin' with me / Ray: Oh you should see it, Beef! The delivery actually starts a second train in motion! / Roast Beef (V.O.): Oh man that sounds too good to be true / [[Mid shot of Roast Beef on the surface of the moon, wearing a helmet and talking on Pat's cellphone.]] / Roast Beef: You're talkin' about what would basically be the most important model train layout of all time you realise / [[Ray's house.]] / Ray: Beef, it don't stop there. This layout also has a *water feature*. / Roast Beef (V.O.): Oh man like a little waterfall or riverbed / Those are so hard to contain properly / [[Ray leans forward eagerly, sensing that the deal is almost done.]] / Ray: Yeah! And get this -- the train stops for a minute at a *tiny little classical music concert!* / Roast Beef (V.O.): Okay that's it / Stop messin with my mind / <>
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07092002
Achewood - July 9, 2004 [[Ray is lying in bed. His phone rings.]] / Policeman: Hello, is this Mr. Ray Smuckles of 11 Via Verde? / [[Ray is bleary and confused.]] / Policeman: Sir, this is the Achewood City sheriff's department. We've received charges that you hired a known sex offender to mutilate his body in front of several children. / Ray: Thank... Thank you for calling MoviePhone. Today's movies are pretty good. You got Spiderman to choose from or also Titanic at 7:30. / Policeman: Mr. Smuckles? Those films are not currently in theaters. / Ray: Thank you for calling Historical MoviePhone, where History Comes To Life. You have just won seven dollars, please hold. / [[Ray tosses the phone away.]]
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07092004
Achewood - July 9, 2004 [[Ray is lying in bed. His phone rings.]] / Policeman: Hello, is this Mr. Ray Smuckles of 11 Via Verde? / [[A close-up of Ray's bleary and confused face. He holds the phone to his head, silently in pain.]] / Policeman: Sir, this is the Achewood City sheriff's department. We've received charges that you hired a known sex offender to mutilate his body in front of several children. / Ray: Thank... Thank you for calling MoviePhone. Today's movies are pretty good. You got Spiderman to choose from or also Titanic at 7:30. / Policeman: Mr. Smuckles? Those films are not currently in theaters. / Ray: Thank you for calling Historical MoviePhone, where History Comes To Life. You have just won seven dollars, please hold. / [[Ray tosses the phone away.]]
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07092004
Achewood - July 9, 2007 [[A picture of Ray on a couch, holding and licking a broccoli. The caption on the picture (white all-cap Impact font with black stroke) reads: "IM ON UR COUCH TASTING UR BROCLEY" The presence of a mouse cursor indicates that this is a shot of a computer screen.]] / [[Roast Beef is standing behind Ray, who is sitting in front of his computer.]] / Roast Beef: Oh jesus come on dude don't get into that stuff / Ray [[turns around, angry and/or embarrassed]]: It don't matter! Go away! Nobody cares! / [[Close up of Beef, looking sad. Ray continues to speak from off-frame.]] / Ray: You're stupid! You shouldn't even care! / [[Roast Beef leaves the room, saddened and disturbed by his friend's reaction.]] / [[Ray looks on from inside of the room.]] / [[Ray turns back to his computer.]] / [[Ray realizes what he has done, and turns his head sadly.]] / [[In despair, Ray buries his face in his palms in shame.]] / {{alt-text: He shouldn't have yelled at him. He shouldn't have yelled at his friend. Not about this.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07092007
Achewood - July 10, 2002 [[Unspecified location in Achewood. Two-shot of Ray and Phillippe, who is carrying a hand-lettered sign reading 'sammiches $8.']] / Ray: How's my new sign coming, Phillippe? / Phillippe: All done! / Ray: Dang, that ain't how you spell "sandwiches"! / Phillippe: It's not? / Ray: No, little guy! Here -- / [[Ray is now holding a sign which he presumably just wrote with the marker he also holds. It reads 'SAN'WICHES $8.' Ray has drawn little decorative dashes on either side of the '$8.']] / Ray: --like this! / Phillippe: Oh! I see! / [[Pat intrudes, still wearing his awful pork-pie hat. Phillippe appears to hide from him behind Ray's sign.]] / Pat: I can't hear this! Ray, give me that damn pen! / Ray: What's the matter, Pat? / [[Pat has written a new sign which says SANDWICHES, underlined twice.]] / Pat: There! There! Sandwiches! That is how you spell Sandwiches! / Ray: You sure aout that, Pat? Looks kinda funny to me. / Caption: LATER THAT AFTERNOON / [[Ray is on the phone, martini in hand.]] / Ray: Hi Mom! Say, how do you spell "sandwiches"? / Sondra (V.O.): You just spell it any old way you want dear and the good lord God will provide
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07102002
Achewood - July 10, 2003 Phillipe: Who ate all the honey-roasted peanuts I left on the coffee table?! I was looking forward to having some when I came inside. / Lie-Bot: I think I saw Al Pacino grab a handful on his way to Teodor's room. / Phillipe: Al Pacino is in Teodor's room?! Oh my gosh! / Lie-Bot: Yeah. They're looking over some screenplay that Teodor wrote. / Lie-Bot: He did say that he wanted to pay back whoever the peanuts belonged to. He was kind of insistent. / Phillipe: Oh, boy. I couldn't ask Al Pacino to pay me back for eating those peanuts! He would think I was small-time! / Lie-Bot: Al is a very generous man, Phillipe. I bet when he sees you're just a kid, he does something really special for you. I bet he takes you under his wing! / [[IN THE IMAGINATION:]] / Al Pacino: So! What do you want to do when you grow up, Phillipe? Whole big world out there! / Phillipe: Oh, uh...Mozart! I want to be smart like Mozart! / Al Pacino: Aw, now you're just tellin' me what you think I wanna hear. You're a sweet kid. / {{Alt Text: It is common that a kid will want to be like either Mozart or the guy who won Chariots of Fire.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07102003
Achewood - July 10, 2003 Philippe: Who ate all the honey-roasted peanuts I left on the coffee table?! / Philippe: I was looking forward to having some when I came inside! / Lie Bot: I think I saw Al Pacino grab a handful on his way to Teodor's room. / Philippe: Al Pacino is in Teodor's room?! Oh my gosh! / Lie Bot: Yeah. They're looking over some screenplay that Teodor wrote. / Lie Bot: He did say that he wanted to pay back whoever the peanuts belonged to. / Lie Bot: He was kind of insistent. / Philippe: Oh, boy. I couldn't ask Al Pacino to pay me back for eating those peanuts! / Philippe: He would think I was small-time! / Lie Bot: Al is a very generous man, Philippe. / Lie Bot: I bet when he sees that you're just a kid, he does something really special for you! / Lie Bot: I bet he takes you under his wing! / [[IN THE IMAGINATION:]] / Al Pacino: So! What do you want to be when you grow up, Philippe? Whole big world out there! / Philippe: Oh, uh...Mozart! I want to be smart like Mozart! / Al Pacino: Aw, now you're just tellin' me what I want to hear. You're a sweet kid. / {{alt text: It is common that a kid will want to be like either Mozart or the guy who won Chariots of Fire.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07102003
Philippe / Mozart / Honey Peanuts [[Philippe is indignant]] / Philippe: Who ate all the honey-roasted peanuts I left on the coffee table?! I was looking forward to having some when I came inside! / [[Lie Bot enters]] / Lie Bot: I think I saw Al Pacino grab a handful on his way to Téodor's room. / Philippe: Al Pacino is in Téodor's room?! Oh my gosh! / Lie Bot: Yeah. They're looking over some screenplay that Téodor wrote. / Lie Bot: He did say that he wanted to pay back whoever the peanuts belonged to. He was kind of insistent. / Philippe: Oh boy. I couldn't ask Al Pacino to pay me back for eating those peanuts! He would think I was small-time! / Lie Bot: Al is a very generous man, Philippe. I bet when he sees that you're just a kid, he does something really special for you! I bet he takes you under his wing! / [[Philippe is imagining. He and Al Pacino are in sillhouette, sitting on top of a hill]] / Narrator: IN THE IMAGINATION: / Al Pacino: So! What do you want to do when you grow up, Philippe? Whole big world out there! / Philippe: Oh, uh...Mozart! I want to be smart like Mozart! / Al Pacino: Aw, now you're just telling me what you think I want to hear. You're a sweet kid. / {{alt text: It is common that a kid will want to be like either Mozart or the guy who won Chariots of Fire.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07102003
 
Achewood - July 10, 2007 {{title: "This is one of the worst cat mistakes."}} / [[Ray leans in and considers his monitor, hands on his mouth]] / Ray: I'll make Roast Beef a quick little fake one. He'll get a laugh out of it and I can say I'm sorry. / [[A macro comprised of a picture of Roast Beef in Trent Reznor's car, wearing his insane-ass eyeliner and hair pomade from the comic storyline beginning May 10th, 2005 and continuing through June 6th of the same year. Beef is sitting at the wheel of the car, framed by the words: "IM IN UR HI SCHOOL VOLVO FEELIN UR DESPARE"]] / [[Ray looks pleased with himself]] / Ray: There! Perfect. It ain't get more Beef than that! / <> / <> / [[Ray regards his computer with frustration, his eyebrows forming a V]] / Ray: Whoops--oh, crap. Accidentally sent that to Roane Shaughnessy at Channel 7 News...damn auto-complete! / [[Beneath the superscript "MINUTES LATER." is the text of a letter from Roane Shaughnessy, which reads: "Hi Ray - Sidney Yamahata is covering this hilarious 'lolcats' phenom as our top story tonight. He thinks this pic of your cat is the best one he's ever seen, and he plans to use it as his lead graphic. / It's right before the Bill Gates address, so it'll pull a lot of eyeballs. Off to production! / Roane Shaughnessy / roane@channel17kacw.com / Segment Producer]] / [[Beneath the superscript "THAT EVENING." is a screenshot of the news broadcast featuring Sidney Yamahata with a microphone, a small graphic of the Roast Beef macro on the left, and the KACW logo in the bottom right]] / Sidney Yamahata: Look what the cat dragged in! Actually, it...IS cats! AND, this hilarious new fad, "lolcatting," has copy-"cats" all over the Internet...or should I say...cat's cradle of Cat 5? At least, that's how the Internet looks under THIS cool cat's desk! Take this little gray fellow, here... / {{alt text: "I hope to god we see more Sidney Yamahata."}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07102007
Achewood - July 10, 2007 {{title: "This is one of the worst cat mistakes."}} / [[Ray leans in and considers his monitor, hands on his mouth]] / Ray: I'll make Roast Beef a quick little fake one. He'll get a laugh out of it and I can say I'm sorry. / [[A macro composed of a picture of Roast Beef in Trent Reznor's car, wearing his insane-ass eyeliner and hair pomade from the comic storyline beginning May 10th, 2005 and continuing through June 6th of the same year. Beef is sitting at the wheel of the car, framed by the words: "IM IN UR HI SCHOOL VOLVO FEELIN UR DESPARE"]] / [[Ray looks pleased with himself]] / Ray: There! Perfect. It ain't get more Beef than that! / <> / <> / [[Ray regards his computer with frustration, his eyebrows forming a V]] / Ray: Whoops--oh, crap. Accidentally sent that to Roane Shaughnessy at Channel 7 News...damn auto-complete! / [[Beneath the superscript "MINUTES LATER." is the text of a letter from Roane Shaughnessy, which reads: "Hi Ray - Sidney Yamahata is covering this hilarious 'lolcats' phenom as our top story tonight. He thinks this pic of your cat is the best one he's ever seen, and he plans to use it as his lead graphic. / It's right before the Bill Gates address, so it'll pull a lot of eyeballs. Off to production! / Roane Shaughnessy / roane@channel17kacw.com / Segment Producer]] / [[Beneath the superscript "THAT EVENING." is a screenshot of the news broadcast featuring Sidney Yamahata with a microphone, a small graphic of the Roast Beef macro on the left, and the KACW logo in the bottom right]] / Sidney Yamahata: Look what the cat dragged in! Actually, it...IS cats! AND, this hilarious new fad, "lolcatting," has copy-"cats" all over the Internet...or should I say...cat's cradle of Cat 5? At least, that's how the Internet looks under THIS cool cat's desk! Take this little gray fellow, here... / {{alt text: "I hope to god we see more Sidney Yamahata."}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07102007
Achewood - July 10, 2008 [[Caption: THE WEDDING: GUESTS GATHER.]] / [[Ray's mansion, exterior. Wearing a tuxedo and holding a martini, Ray gazes out toward the street, watching the arrival of wedding guests.]] / Ray: (thinking) Daaamn, Doc Andretti drives a green Miata? I thought doctors had good cars... / [[Elsewhere on the lawn, Vlad encounters Lie Bot, who is dressed in a similar fashion to Vlad, possibly intended as an attempt at mockery - a pair of wings are attached to the back of Lie Bot's tuxedo, and on his head is a small turtle figure.]] / Vlad: (indignant) Do... do not DO this! You are havink such DICKNESS, Lie Bot! / Lie Bot: Whaat, whaat? Ya bother me! / [[Inside Ray's house, Little Nephew and Taffy play a video game, each of them holding a controller.]] / Little Nephew: Jesus, dude! Nobody EVER figures out how to kill the doner kebab guy that fast! What planet are you from? / Taffy: (twitching spastically) yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah / [[Iorwerth and Gwladus watch Little Nephew and Taffy.]] / Iorwerth: See how Taffy's milk-fog clears when he engages the lightnin' box with the stupid man's child, Mother. / Gwaldus: Perhaps now's the time to book return passage for Taffy's new friend, Father. / [[Back outside, Ray continues pondering Dr. Andretti's Miata.]] / Ray: (thinking) A doctor should have at least an SL or a 5-Series. A Miata is Hasbro. Maybe he got it during residency and is just keeping the battery alive until his gardener asks for it? / [[Back inside, Little Nephew watches in disbelief as Taffy continues to play the video game.]] / Little Nephew: You... you're not even looking, fucker! / Taffy: HAHhahaHAHhahaHAHhahaHAhaha / [[Elsewhere, Molly stands in silence, holding a bouquet of flowers as Gwladus does up back of her wedding dress.]] / [[Philippe stands at the doorway of Ray's bathroom, looking at the toilet.]] / Philippe: (thinking) Better not... too risky... / [[Philippe walks off down the hall, a pained expression on his face.]] / Philippe: (thinking) Ouch... Ouch... Ouch... Ouch... / [[Outside, Todd makes his way across the lawn, wearing a mitre and holding a large (human-sized) cigarette. Chucklebot looks on from the background.]] / [[Simon and another guest greet each other with a handshake. Spongebath is in the background, on his scooter.]] / Rod: (off-camera, to Pat) Oh, I am so not doing this. That's your father? / [[Rod and Pat have arrived. Pat is holding a gift-wrapped box. Emeril stands in the background. Farther off in the background are two unidentifiable figures - one is doing a handstand; the other is leaping into the air.]] / Pat: Yes, I told you he'd be here. You've had plenty of time to think about whether you're ready. / Rod: We're wearing the same shirt, carob lips, and he's Heidi Klum to my QE2. I'll be in the car. / [[A close-up of the rear bumper of a car, the "I KICK MEN'S ASSES AND I VOTE" bumper sticker identifying the car as Ramses'. He is heard shutting the car door and walking away.]] / <> / <>
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07102008
Achewood - July 11, 2002 [[Lyle is at the computer and Ray stands behind him, martini glass in hand.]] / Ray: Lyle! Since when do you lok at that kind of stuff?! / Lyle: Very funny, Ray. What's goin' on. / <> / Ray: Dang! How are all those people gonna answer for all those tattoos? You know there's bound to be some regrets! / Oooh! That one don't have no tattoos! Saaay, she's kind of classy, isn't she? / <> / Ray: How do you get her e-mail once you know that you like her? Do you just click on the picture? / Lyle: Huh? I guess you could just write to her through the website... / Caption: LATER / Text of Ray's E-mail: Dear Pretty Lady, / There is something about you. I recognized your true beauty even through the Internet. A fool would have missed it. Baby, I am ready to be the only man who looks at your secret junk. / =Ray= / ------------------ / Do you Yahoo? / <>
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07112002
I saw your junk and liked it [[Lyle is at the computer and Ray stands behind him, martini glass in hand.]] / Ray: Lyle! Since when do you lok at that kind of stuff?! / Lyle: Very funny, Ray. What's goin' on. / <> / Ray: Dang! How are all those people gonna answer for all those tattoos? You know there's bound to be some regrets! / Oooh! That one don't have no tattoos! Saaay, she's kind of classy, isn't she? / <> / Ray: How do you get her e-mail once you know that you like her? Do you just click on the picture? / Lyle: Huh? I guess you could just write to her through the website... / Caption: LATER / Text of Ray's E-mail: Dear Pretty Lady, / There is something about you. I recognized your true beauty even through the Internet. A fool would have missed it. Baby, I am ready to be the only man who looks at your secret junk. / =Ray= / ------------------ / Do you Yahoo? / <> / {{alt text: Roast Beef tshirts available now. Contact with orders.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07112002
Achewood - July 11, 2003 Ray: Hey hey, everybody! It's Chef Ray's famous citrus-brined chicken! / Ray: Whoah, where is everybody? What the hell?! / Ray: Man, what are all you guys doing out here? I just cooked up a delicous chicken! / Roast Beef: Quiet man hush Teodor just invented this insane new dance move / [[Teodor jumps up, takes off his head, and bounces on the ground in such a way that it ends up back on his shoulders.]] / {{Alt Text: The bear tears off his head for this dance move}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07112003
Achewood - July 11, 2005 [[Ray, drunk, is attempting to play the guitar with a collared shirt and wig on.]] / <> / Roast Beef: oh man Ray now PLEASE you ain't got to imitate Jack White / Ray: Could somebody hit up the B-string pretty loud and first gimme a...a few seconds notice! / Roast Beef: Ray PLEASE man you ain't need to imitate Jack White / <> / Roast Beef: Please man you had so much to drink / Ray: And when I hear the guitar sound come from the amp it got to be so...nasty... / Roast Beef: Please Ray there's no need / <> / Ray: I got to imitate Jack White, dude! / There comes a time! / <> / Roast Beef: Here just get into the bed / Ray: Does Jack White get into the bed? / Roast Beef: Jack White gets into the bed Ray / He gets into the bed / [[Ray climbs into the bed, helped by Roast Beef.]] / <> / [[Ray is in bed.]] / Ray: I am getting into the bed because that is what Jack White does / [[The lights are turned off.]] / Roast Beef: Goodnight Ray / Ray: Now why would you say a thing like that to Jack White / Roast Beef: Sorry I mean goodnight Jack White / Ray: Goodnight, man. / <> / {{Alt text: There comes a time.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07112005
 
Achewood - July 11, 2006 [[Roast Beef is sitting in front of his computer with his head on his hands; Molly enters the room]] / Molly: Babe, do you want some of this veal marsala I made? / Roast Beef: Oh sorry uh I got basically no appetite whatsoever / Molly: What? Last time I made this you were raving about it! You even got up and put on a tie! / Roast Beef: It's this new gig I mean I thought I would like it and the money is good but it is totally a bad gig / Molly: What was that again? Fact-checker for some news site? / Roast Beef: No it's pre-writing obituaries for celebrities who ain't dead yet so they can have somethin' ready to run in a hurry / Roast Beef: Since I'm new they got me workin' on the child stars / Roast Beef: They say this is the roughest beat and after you prove yourself you work your way up to dudes who are like 89 and have extremely red watery eyes / Molly: I can't believe you let yourself take a job like that. You know how sad you get thinking about dead children. / Roast Beef: The money is decent I mean the money is fairly hot at least / Molly: Yeah, and the next time we walk past a family with a kid I'm going to have to act like your sudden interest in the sky isn't your completely obvious way of letting your misty eyes evaporate without spilling over. / {{alttext: When you're new you never get the Hopes and the Spellings.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07112006
Achewood - July 11, 2008 [[Lyle is sitting next to Mrs. Smuckles, looking sweaty and uncomfortable. He is tapped on the shoulder. He turns and looks startled, and quickly vacates his seat. Ramses takes the seat. Mrs. Smuckles turns towards him and looks surprised. Ramses puts his hand on that of Mrs. Smuckles, Mrs. Smuckles looks happy.]] / [[Ray is giving Roast Beef a pre-ceremony pep-talk.]] / Ray: Alright! It's go-time, dude! You need a little fix 'a diamond juice? / Roast Beef: Yeah man hit me with some before I go down that guantlet of smiles / [[Roast beef drinks]] <>GULP / Roast Beef: Alright dogg lets get MARRIED! Lets get married to a LADY! / Ray: We gonna marry the HELL outta that woman!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07112008
Achewood - July 11, 2008 [[Lyle is sitting next to Mrs. Smuckles, looking sweaty and uncomfortable. He is tapped on the shoulder. He turns and looks startled, and quickly vacates his seat. Ramses takes the seat. Mrs. Smuckles turns towards him and looks surprised. Ramses puts his hand on that of Mrs. Smuckles, Mrs. Smuckles looks happy.]] / [[Ray is giving Roast Beef a pre-ceremony pep-talk.]] / Ray: Alright! It's go-time, dude! You need a little fix 'a diamond juice? / Roast Beef: Yeah man hit me with some before I go down that guantlet of smiles / [[Roast beef drinks]] <>GULP / Roast Beef: Alright dogg lets get MARRIED! Lets get married to a LADY! / Ray: We gonna marry the HELL outta that woman!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07112008
Achewood - July 12, 2002 [[A visibly agitated Ray sits before a computer, talking on the phone with Roast Beef, who is presumably still on the moon.]] / Ray: Roast Beef! Help! The computer went all in black and white! HELP! / Roast Beef (V.O.): Calm down Ray / Did you install any new software lately / Ray: Yeah! Yeah! I did! I put in one called "Photoshop"! Is that bad? Is that a pretty bad program? / Roast Beef: No it's pretty decent / Do me a favor and go to the Start menu / I need to see if it installed that dang Gamma Loader.exe / Roast Beef (V.O.): That always conflicts with this one Windows .dll / Ray: Holy crud, man! This is ridiculous! I just wanted to make a card for Little Nephew! / Caption: THAT EVENING / [[The lemonade-stand-like structure called Ray's Place. Ray is wiping a glass while Lyle has a drink.]] / Ray: So anyway, I had to delete something called the "Adobe Gamma Loader.exe"? Apparently that thing totally sucks! / Lyle: Huh! I'll watch out for it. / Ray: I tell you Lyle. When I was younger, I could do anything with a computer. I could turn it on, make it list the files that it had... / [[Close-up on Ray, his hands in the air in exasperation.]] / Ray: ...I could even make it write my name on the screen while the background flashed! If I did somethin' like that today, why... why... / *they'd all laugh at me!*
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07122002
Achewood - July 12, 2004 Phone: Hello, is this Ray Smuckles? / Ray: Look, I ain't interested in no Capital One card. / Sheriff: Sir, this is the Achewood City sheriff's department calling again. / Sheriff: As I told you earlier, we've received charges that you hired a known sex offender to mutilate his body in front of several children. / Ray: Yeah, uh, I didn't do that. I'm more of a "rent a pony" kind of guy. / Ray: Listen, put Captain B on the line. / Ray: B? Yeah, it's Ray, man! Ha ha! No, no, I ain't callin' to back outta the tournament! Yeah, I'm still in for my full pledge! Hope you boys don't blow it all on new Pings! / Ray: Oh, listen man, do me a quick favor and erase all history of crimes I have committed recently. / Ray: Cool, thanks. Say, B, how you set for wheels these days? I got one of those new Hummers but it's hell on my lumbar. / Ray: Nice. That'll be a fun car for B Junior to have at college. You're a good dad, Bill.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07122004
Achewood - July 12, 2004 Phone: Hello, is this Ray Smuckles? / Ray: Look, I ain't interested in no Capital One card. / Sheriff: Sir, this is the Achewood City sheriff's department calling again. / Sheriff: As I told you earlier, we've received charges that you hired a known sex offender to mutilate his body in front of several children. / Ray: Yeah, uh, I didn't do that. I'm more of a "rent a pony" kind of guy. / Ray: Listen, put Captain B on the line. / Ray: B? Yeah, it's Ray, man! Ha ha! No, no, I ain't callin' to back outta the tournament! Yeah, I'm still in for my full pledge! Hope you boys don't blow it all on new Pings! / Ray: Oh, listen man, do me a quick favor and erase all history of crimes I have committed recently. / Ray: Cool, thanks. Say, B, how you set for wheels these days? I got one of those new Hummers but it's hell on my lumbar. / Ray: Nice. That'll be a fun car for B Junior to have at college. You're a good dad, Bill. / {{alt text: An 18-year old boy should drive a Hummer in his town or just generally around.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07122004
Achewood - July 12, 2005 [[A car. Beef is driving, Ray is in the passenger seat.]] / Ray: Heh! Check it out, Beef - we're behind one of those dudes who messes with the letters on his Toyota! / [[We see the back of the Toyota pickup in front - the TOYOTA logo simply reads a central "OYO".]] / Ray: "OYO." I see that one a lot. What's he even tryin' to get across? / [[Beef has a mental image - it is the Toyota, the sign now reading "I HAVE WEIRD IDEAS ABOUT WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A MAN"]]
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07122005
Achewood - July 12, 2005 [[A car. Beef is driving, Ray is in the passenger seat.]] / Ray: Heh! Check it out, Beef - we're behind one of those dudes who messes with the letters on his Toyota! / [[We see the back of the Toyota pickup in front - the TOYOTA logo simply reads a central "OYO". The license plate is "4YR Y96"]] / Ray: "OYO." I see that one a lot. What's he even tryin' to get across? / [[Beef is thinking]] / [[The Toyota logo now reads / "I HAVE WEIRD IDEAS ABOUT / WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A MAN"]] / {{Alt text: I once lived next to an enterprising fellow who stripped the letters completely and had his own made, in the same Toyota typeface, which spelled RAIDERS }}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07122005
 
Achewood - July 12, 2006 [[Molly picks a tape up off the table]] / Molly: Oh my god. Beef spends all afternoon making this mix tape for his guest day at Ray's gym, and then he forgets it on the kitchen table. / [[close up of tape booklet in Molly's hands — all 7 tracks on side A are handwritten "Leonard Cohen - Suzanne"]] / [[close up of side B portion of tape booklet — again, all 7 tracks are "Leonard Cohen - Suzanne"]] / {{alttext: It's a thing with him that he still uses a Walkman with orange foam headphones}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07122006
Achewood - July 12, 2007 [[Roast Beef is sitting on a love seat, watching a program on TV. Molly approaches him from behind and softly tousles his hair. All we can see is that she's wearing negligee and her hair is in a ponytail]] / Molly: Hey babe, want to fool around? / [[Roast Beef's head whirls around to face her and his eyebrows express boyish delight]] / Roast Beef: Does the pope drop a deuce in a wooden room?! / [[Molly has exited the room and Roast Beef watches her go]] / Molly (from outside of the panel): Mute the TV, sugar brains. I'll go get a blanket. / Roast Beef: Woman we ain't need some blanket! I ain't gonna see none of it happen! / Narration: SOON. / [[Roast Beef is under a crouched Molly, and Molly is under a blanket hiked up to reveal Roast Beef's legs. His eyes are clenched tightly closed and he looks as though is concentrating hard]] / Roast Beef (thinking): Oh crap outta practice gonna cash my ticket too soon no no no no no we just started dammit / Roast Beef (thoughts continuing): Time to bring on the ugly thoughts / [[Roast Beef is obviously struggling]] / Roast Beef (thinking): A...a kid hits a terrible baseball shot in the big game... no... / Roast Beef (thinking): ...dammit...usually I got a million of these... / Roast Beef (thinking): Maybe there's somethin' awful on the News... / [[Close up of Roast Beef's surprised face and the back of Molly's head, accompanied by Molly's orgasm]] / <> / [[Screenshot of a KACW news programme. A balding, mustachioed news anchor, Sidney Yamahata, is excitedly talking about something, presumably what is in the graphic window to his left. Inside the window is a picture of teenage Roast Beef with the title "LOLCAT FEVER!"]]
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07122007
Achewood - July 13, 2004 [[Roast Beef is with Teodor at Teodor's computer]] / Teodor: Yeah, I set it up so that the second monitor shows exactly what's happening on Ray's computer. / Roast Beef: Dang so this is like looking over his shoulder in real-time / Teodor: Weird... he just Googled for a picture of Mt. Everest... / Teodor: And made it his desktop! / Roast Beef: Now he's Googlin' for a picture of a motorcycle / Teodor: ...he chooses one... / Roast Beef: and shrinks the browser all down real small / [[Ray drags the little picture of a motorcycle so it jumps over the picture of Mt. Everest]] / {{Alt Text: Poor kids love playing this game at the library}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07132004
Achewood - July 13, 2004 [[Roast Beef is with Teodor at Teodor's computer]] / Teodor: Yeah, I set it up so that the second monitor shows exactly what's happening on Ray's computer. / Roast Beef: Dang so this is like looking over his shoulder in real-time / Teodor: Weird... he just Googled for a picture of Mt. Everest... / Teodor: And made it his desktop! / Roast Beef: Now he's Googlin' for a picture of a motorcycle / Teodor: ...he chooses one... / Roast Beef: and shrinks the browser all down real small / [[Ray drags the little picture of a motorcycle so it jumps over the picture of Mt. Everest]] / {{Alt Text: Poor kids love playing this game at the library}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07132004
Achewood - July 13, 2004 [[Roast Beef is with Teodor at Teodor's computer]] / Teodor: Yeah, I set it up so that the second monitor shows exactly what's happening on Ray's computer. / Roast Beef: Dang so this is like looking over his shoulder in real-time / Teodor: Weird... he just Googled for a picture of Mt. Everest... / Teodor: And made it his desktop! / Roast Beef: Now he's Googlin' for a picture of a motorcycle / Teodor: ...he chooses one... / Roast Beef: and shrinks the browser all down real small / [[Ray drags the little picture of a motorcycle so it jumps over the picture of Mt. Everest]] / {{Alt Text: Poor kids love playing this game at the library}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07132004
a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07132005&fb_source=message">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07132005&fb_source=message [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
Achewood - July 13, 2006 [[Ray is wearing a leather jacket, talking on the phone, and sipping a martini.]] / Ray: Serious as hell, brochicho! Come join my gym! They just gave me a free membership you can have! / Roast Beef: Dang dogg I mean my body is cruddy to the max maybe this is finally the time you know / Roast Beef: But also like ain't your club fancy and a man can't wear a tank top with an insect diagram / Ray [[over the phone]]: Dude, I'll kick you down some sick Fila duds. This could be a thing, Beef! / Roast Beef: Oh man what if this is a thing / [[SOON.]] / [[Ray and Roast Beef are sitting on chairs in a lobby area of the gym.]] / Ray: Alright, here comes Leo Fontanette. He owns the Caddy dealership over in Pintado. / Roast Beef: Whoah that dude has good thighs / Ray: I know, isn't it weird? Everyone notices that! / [[Leo approaches Ray and Roast Beef.]] / Ray: Hey, Leo! How's the short game? You still considerin' suicide? / <> / Leo: What are you doing over here, Smuckles? I don't see any sand traps! / <> / [[Leo reaches out to shake Roast Beef's hand.]] / Leo: Hi there. Leo Fontanette, Leo Fontanette Cadillac. / Roast Beef: Rockin' thighs dude! / [[Leo retracts his hand and looks nonplussed.]] / [[Ray looks surprised and worried.]] / [[Roast Beef looks over at Ray, worried.]] / [[Ray frowns at Roast Beef.]] / [[Roast Beef looks down, ashamed.]] / [[Leo looks grim.]] / [[Ray and Roast Beef are driving away in Ray's car. Ray is behind the wheel, furious.]] / {{alt text: Beef doesn't know the code at that place. He has committed a Dudes' Mutiny.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07132006
 
Achewood - July 13, 2007 [[Philippe approaches Teodor, who is working at his drawing board]] / Philippe: Hi Teodor! One custom baseball card of me, please! / [[Teodor sticks his tongue out of his mouth and winks one eye shut while looking at the page he's working on]] / Teodor: I can only do those for pay, Philippe. They take a lot of time. / [[Philippe's face scrunches up as he's about to cry]] / <> / Narration: SOON. / [[The front of Philippe's baseball card. He's in front of a Jack-In-The-Box and smiling under the heading "TOPPPS!"]] / [[Written on the card]] / NAME: PHILIPPE / DECLARED OCCUPATION: (KID, 5) / OBSERVED OCCUPATION: RIGHT-HANDED MESS MAKER / ASS MAN: N/A / BREAST MAN: N/A / HUGS MAN: Y / WHEN HE GROWS UP, HE WANTS TO BE: A FIREMAN LOCKED IN AN ICECREAM FACTORY OVERNIGHT / VICES: CALORIE SODA, PLANNED VIDEOS OF DOGS JUMPING REALLY FAR INTO WATER (NOT THE CRUEL KIND WITHOUT PLANNING) / [[Page 3 of Philippe's card]] / PHRASE FOR JOKING AWAY SOME GAS: "WHOOPSY-DAISY! SORRY, EVERYBODY!" / FAILED BUSINESSES: RIDDLE-MAX, GIGGLE-MAX, CUDDLE-MAX, TICKLE-MAX, COMPUTER "FRO-GRAMMERS" INC (he wore a comedy afro wig and pretended to program your computer, $5) / ORC OR DORK? "DORK! DOCRKS ARE GOOD LISTENERS. ROAST BEEF EVEN CROSSES HIS LEGS." / FINAL MEAL: COOKIE CRISP WITH CHOC. MILK AND MARASHINO CHERRIES / PET PEEVES: INJURIES
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07132007
Achewood § July 13, 2009 [[Ray is reading another of Cornelius' erotic Williams-Sonoma fictions. Cornelius, sitting at his typewriter, looks vaguely annoyed]] / Ray: Almost there. Have Judi wearin' a kimono when she slides the tempura shrimp off the "Wok-Fitted Four-at-Once Submersible Stainless Steel Tempura Shrimp Skewer Rack." / [[Similar situation, but Ray is dressed in a t-shirt and has a slightly different haircut. Cornelius looks more annoyed.]] / Subtitle: And. / Ray: No. You got to have Massimo notice that the Handheld Popcorn Salter ain't in its charger. That'll add depth to his character. / [[The same as the last two panels, but Ray is wearing a dress shirt and a visor. Cornelius looks very annoyed]] / Subtitle: And. / Ray: Dude, way too long. The Fully Automated Vesuvio Espresso Station has too many features to detail. It's flagship. Just have 'em sweat-butt bucking' next to the thing. / [[The same arrangement of characters. Cornelius is throwing on his hat]] / Subtitle: So. / Cornelius: THAT'S IT! I shall no longer be edited by the blunted, capricious cleaver of your parsley-flecked mind. I am off this job instanter. / [[Cornelius is tearing the final page of the story]] / Ray: Connie! No, man! We got mad cash money to make! We signed that contract with Williams-Sonoma! / <> / Cornelius: You signed that contract. I wish you the best of luck in crafting a confident female lead who connects like a piston rod with affluent, stunted women aged 24-75. / [[Ray is now seated at his computer]] / Subtitle: Soon. / Ray: (Typing) Boutiqua answered the door of the mansion. Prince Javier and Pinot were there in just shorts. / Ray: (Thinking) Just startin'. Not right, but close. / Ray: (Typing) Sandy (female) opened the door. She held a delicate crystal Bellini coupe ($29). A man cut trees across the street. He would do, for now. She grabbed her tits. / <> / Ray: (Thinking) Good product placement, but clunky. Hmmm... / [[A lightbulb appears over Ray's head as his jaw drops at his own genius]] / Ray: (Typing) Judi watched through the crack in the door as Inge, her Swedish au pair, snapped the top of a thigh-high stocking into place. She found herself overcome with the desire to inhale the natural fragrance of the tender white skin between her freshly bathed breasts. / <> / [[Ray is grinning fiendishly]] / Ray: (Thinking) Let's take Mrs. Williams-Sonoma on the forbidden journey she REALLY wants. Now even husbands gonna read this catalog. Ain't no talent like the one you got, Ray Smuckles. / {{Cancelled from the story, Prince Javier and Pinot got back into the van and went to smoke in front of 7-11.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07132009
Achewood - July 14, 2003 Lyle; Aw crap, man. I just won Oasis. / Teodor; What? / Lyle; This freakin' Pepsi contest. I was kinda hopin' for the Kia Sedona. / Teodor; Oasis, huh? I used to like them. / Lyle; Yeah, you and everybody else from the third grade. What am I gonna do with these toothless jerks? / Teodor; Maybe just don't claim the prize...? / Lyle; <> / Lyle; Yeah...I was hopin' to get someone to clear all the Ivy off the back fence, though. The neighbors have been whinin' about it. / Teodor; Oh! Good thinking. Maybe they could weed the roses too. / [[SOON]] / Oasis 1; Aye right thanksmooch fuh th' bevvridge right / Oasis 2; Yeah right like mate we ain't even 'spect no bevvridge / Oasis 1; Last connest' what we was won in we 'adda let this kid like strike us inna yarbles wiv this rolled-up paintin' of America / Oasis 2; We need new represennation is what I say / {{Alt tag; Today Lyle Won Oasis}}
http://achewood.com/?date=07142003
Achewood - July 14, 2003 Aw crap, man. I just won Oasis. / What? / This freakin' Pepsi contest. I was kinda hopin' for the Kia Sedona. / Oasis, huh? I used to like them. / Yeah, you and everybody from the third grade. What am I gonna do with these toothless jerks? / Maybe just don't claim the prize... ? / sigh / Yeah...I was hopin' to get someone to clear all the ivy off the back fence, though. The neighbor have been whinin' about it. / Oh! Good thinking. Maybe they could weed the roses, too. / soon / Aye right thanksmooch fuh th' bevvridge right / Yeah right like mate we ain't even 'spect no bevvridge / Last connest' what we was won in we 'adda let this kid like strike us inna yarbles wiv this rolled-up paintin' of America / We need new represennation is what I say
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07142003
Achewood - July 14, 2004 [[Mr. Bear is reading a newspaper]] / Mr. Bear: What is this "MILF" acronym I'm seeing bandied about in the personals these days? / Lie Bot: It stands for "May I Leave Flowers?" / Lie Bot: It's like SWM and all that, but it signals that you're a gentleman, you know? / You use it in your ad to show that you practice old-school courtship style. / Mr Bear: Oh! How wonderful! What an unexpected gem of a term. Thank you, Lie Bot. / Lie Bot: De nada. / [[Mr. Bear types on his computer. His newspaper ad is seen behind him.]] / Newspaper ad: Thirsty for Romance? Ring the MILF-Man! / SM, ISO a mature woman who truly knows the meaning of "old-style!" Shall we bounce together in the rumble seat, my lily? Cornelius, Box 98034. / <> / {{Alt text: baby, show me your Texas}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07142004
Achewood - July 14, 2006 [[(IT'S A...)]] / [[FUCK YOU FRIDAY!]] / [[Leo Fontanette is looking angry.]] / [[Leo is driving his car.]] / Leo: How DARE that fucking kid talk to me that way! Does he know how much VOLUME I do?! DOES HE KNOW HOW MUCH VOLUME I DO? NO! NO! HE DOESN'T! 'CAUSE HE'S AN IDIOT! AGH! PIECE OF SHIT MORON! / Leo: God DAMMIT! WHO LEFT MY MOTHERFUCKING BEACH BOYS CD ON THE PASSENGER SEAT! THIS SHIT WAS DIGITALLY REMASTERED! I PAID TWENTY-SIX BUCKS FOR THIS FUCKING ALBUM AND NOW IT LOOKS LIKE A MOTHEFUCKING ABALONE! / [[Leo comes across a corn field.]] / Leo: All RIGHT! A fucking CORN FIELD! I'M GONNA DRIVE ALL OVER THAT FUCKING CORN, BABY! THIS CORN IS YOU, RAY SMUCKLES! / [[Leo begins driving through the corn field.]] / Leo: FUCK YOU RAY SMUCKLES AND YOUR FAGGOT FRIENDS WHO...WHO YOU RIDE ON YOUR BIG...FAGGOT...BOAT...WITH...AAGH! WHERE'S...WHERE'S MY MOTHERFUCKING DIOVAN... / [[Leo's car stops in the middle of the cornfield.]] / Leo: OnStar? I'm...I'm havin' a heart attack...I...I swear the fuckin' man upstairs is punchin' my dance card...no...no you listen to me sweetheart...you know how...many of these...fuckers I sell...Oh sweet Christ please God not today / {{alt text: On Friday, Leo Fontanette died in a corn field.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07142006
 

Archive Page:
<< 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40
41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 >>