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| Achewood - January 13, 2006 | Ray: Naturally, you need to diversify your product line a bit. Create a price-point spectrum.
/ Todd: Yeah! Yeah! 'Course! / Ray: "ChatSacks," as I'm calling them, will come in a dual-ball base model. / Ray: But what about the dude who wants his phone to have three balls?
/ Todd: Huh! / Ray: I give you...the ChatSack Triple-Play. / Ray: "Can't talk now, bro. I'm three-ballin'." / Ray: Of course, it doesn't stop there. We need to think of our platinum clientele. The creme de la creme. / Todd: F-F-Four balls?! / Ray: Interestingly, no. At this level, the market demands non-linear value. We go down to a single ball. / Ray: I give you...Solo, by ChatSack with Karl Lagerfeld. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01132006 |
| Achewood - Dirty-talk montage - January 14, 2002 | [[The frame is halved diagonally. Ray and Téodor speak over phones]]
/ Ray: Hey man. My nephew wants you to come talk dirty at his birthday party. Can you dig it?
/ Téodor: Any requests? / [[Téodor at the birthday party. A crowd of young cats watches.]]
/ Téodor: (says something dirty, censored)
/ Cat: Holy smokes!
/ Cat: Hah ha! Ha ha ha Haahaa!
/ Ray's nephew: Wow! / [[Téodor on the phone again, this time to Todd in his van]]
/ Todd: Me an-an-an the fellas want you to talk dirty at our next drag race!
/ Téodor: No problem, Todd. / [[Téodor at the birthday party. A crowd of squirrels watches.]]
/ Téodor: (says something dirty, censored)
/ Todd: Ha ha!
/ Blister: THAT'S ONE THING YOU CAN'T SAY IN HEAVEN
/ Squirrel: Sweet! / {{title text: The one in the briefs is a cat. The three new characters are all cats.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01142002 |
| Achewood - Dirty-talk montage - January 14, 2002 | [[The frame is halved diagonally. Ray and Téodor speak over phones]]
/ Ray: Hey man. My nephew wants you to come talk dirty at his birthday party. Can you dig it?
/ Téodor: Any requests? / [[Téodor at the birthday party. A crowd of young cats watches.]]
/ Téodor: (says something dirty, censored)
/ Cat: Holy smokes!
/ Cat: Hah ha! Ha ha ha Haahaa!
/ Ray's nephew: Wow! / [[Téodor on the phone again, this time to Todd in his van]]
/ Todd: Me an-an-an the fellas want you to talk dirty at our next drag race!
/ Téodor: No problem, Todd. / [[Téodor at the birthday party. A crowd of squirrels watches.]]
/ Téodor: (says something dirty, censored)
/ Todd: Ha ha!
/ Blister: THAT'S ONE THING YOU CAN'T SAY IN HEAVEN
/ Squirrel: Sweet! / {{title text: The one in the briefs is a cat. The three new characters are all cats.}}
/ {{This is the first time Ray is shown wearing his thong.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01142002 |
| Achewood - January 14, 2003 | [[Roast Beef examines Showbiz's filthy kitchen]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh my god / Look how Showbiz lives is life / Sink full of dirty dishes
/ Six bucks an hour / Gettin' high on his break
/ Blowin' all his wages on a dancer and a landlord / Oh my word what is this / Envelope from Rockford Fosgate, Automative Audio Systems, Department of Collections: THIRD NOTICE http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01142003 |
| Achewood - January 14, 2004 | Roast Beef: Here we go
/ [[Sign says Boris J. Petrovsk Chief Security Yahoo]] / [[Computer screen says PLEASE LOG IN USERNAME# boris PASSWORD# yahoo Ready.]] / Roastbeef: Bingo Jesus man you could drive a bus through these security holes All honking and dragging a bunch of rusty bikes / [[Computer screen says #rm ray_smuckles.txt Removed. #newpass Type old password: #ru5tyb1ke5 Password changed. #logout Goodbye.]] / Unidentified: Look Boris- is cat in your cube!
/ Boris: Is cat? You sure? I go to take look. If not is cat, and you are stealing my pizza again, is very bad day for you Gregor! Ha ha ha ha ha / Boris: Agh! Animal changes my password! Why this always happens to ME?! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01142004 |
| Achewood - January 14, 2004 | [[Roast Beef is perched atop a cubicle wall.]] / [[Roast Beef sneaks into a cubicle.]]
/ Roast Beef: Here we go
/ Sign on cubicle: Boris J. Petrovsk
/ Chief Security Yahoo / Computer screen: PLEASE LOG IN
/ USERNAME# boris
/ PASSWORD# yahoo
/ Ready.
/ #_ / Roastbeef: Bingo
/ Jesus man you could drive a bus through these security holes
/ All honking and dragging a bunch of rusty bikes / Computer screen: #rm ray_smuckles.txt
/ Removed.
/ #newpass
/ Type old password:
/ #yahoo
/ Type new password:
/ #ru5tyb1ke5
/ Password changed.
/ #logout
/ Goodbye. / [[behind a closed door]]
/ Gregor: Look Boris- is cat in your cube!
/ Boris: Is cat? You sure? I go to take look.
/ If not is cat, and you are stealing my pizza again, is very bad day for you Gregor!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01142004 |
| Achewood - January 14, 2005 | [[A wounded Pat sits on the kitchen counter. Nice Pete and Todd stand before him]]
/ Pat: That son of a bitch... he shanked me! Son of a bitch shanked me! Kill him, Pete! Step on him! NOW! / [[Pete kneels and examines the shanked ankle]]
/ Pete: Hm this is nice work Todd
/ Pete: Who'd you study under / Todd: Red Sheets! Da b-b-best!
/ Pete: Hm based on the angle of retraction I would have thought The Fugue
/ Todd: The Fugue!? No way! Dude's all show. / Pat: Quit blabbing and kill him! KILL HIM! / Pete: For this style of attack though Red would have advocated Ferlinghetti's Axis which -
/ Todd: Yeah, yeah. Maximizes damage to the vein. You think I don't know this stuff? / Pete: Oh I think you know your stuff alright
/ Pete: I see you used Simon Little's Patented Offensive For The Small in its place
/ Todd: Yup. That's my go-to shank. / Pete: A fine choice given the crowded room and the relative height of your target
/ Pete: Not to mention it shows a great deal of class / {{Alt: The Fugue really is a bit of a showman.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01142005 |
| Achewood - January 14, 2008 | [[A turntable plays, musical notes float above it]] / [[A silhouetted Teodor kneels before a rack of LP's, examining an album cover]]
/ Narrator/Teodor: When I was a kid, I spent a lot of time going through my dad's record collection. I guess most of us did. / [[A geometric representation of Teodor holds an album with two hands, examining the cover]]
/ Narrator/Teodor:I was always happy to find album covers or liner notes with naked women, as I didn't have many resources for that kind of thing.
/ Teodor:Nice!
/ Narrator/Teodor:It was actually extremely important to me, now that I think about it. / [[Cropped image of black female nude from the cover of Carlos Santana's "Abraxas"]] / [[Ingenuous rendering of previous panel, the word "SANTANA" drifts vertically to the right of rendering, and arrow points to the head of a dove sitting at the nude figure's mons]] / [[Upper left-hand corner of a sheet of 3-hole punch ruled notebook paper, at the top of the page, a scribble, below the scribble, a list of album names with a score the immediate right, it reads: QUADROPHENIA 5+, ELECTRIC LADYLAND 5, ABRAXAS 4, WHIPPED CREAM & OTHER DELIGHTS (SUCKS) 2; beneath this list in puffy block letters the words MARLENE FUCKS BALD PEOPLE, underneath these words the transposed phrase PASS IT ON has been written]] / [[cropped close-up image of the dove's head from two panels previous, images connected by the shaft of the arrow, is inset into the following text]]
/ Narrator/Teodor:THE WHO'S "QUADROPHENIA" LINER NOTES WERE PRETTY ACE STUFF, BUT THE NAKED BLACK LADY ON THE COVER OF SANTANA'S "ABRAXAS" STILL HAS A PRIMAL POWER OVER ME I DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND. / [[arrow from upper right to lower left, with attenuating squares at the nock, resembling the nib of a marker]] / [[Teodor stares at red album he holds]]
/ Teodor:[[thought]] I wonder where that particular woman is now. / [[Teodor not staring directly at red album he holds]]
/ Teodor:[[thought]] If she's being true to herself, she's probably pleasing and being pleased in a perfect, balanced cycle. / [[Teodor, with eyebrows visible, stares at red album he holds, to his right an open notebook computer with his face filling its screen, to the right of that open notebook computer, a closed notebook computer]]
/ Narrator/Teodor:The album artwork of my parents' generation was a Hail Mary from Arcadia that bounced off my forehead and fell to the ground. I was oblivious to everything, and now I just sit and wonder when I'll finally get the one perfect e-mail that solves all my problems and closes the laptop of my mind. < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01142008 |
| Achewood - At Ray's crib - January 15, 2002 | [[Téodor arrives at Ray's front door]]
/ Ray: Hey man, my little nephew really dug that you could come talk dirty at his birthday party.
/ Téodor: My pleasure, Ray. / Ray: That thing you said about the Elephant Man really made his day.
/ Téodor: Not too dirty, was it? / [[Ray mixes drinks at a counter]]
/ Ray: Oh hell no. Those kids are growin' up in a different world than the one we came up in, you know? / {{title text: That's a cat. This one is continued tomorrow.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01152002 |
| The Pepperidge Farm Man | [[Ray is burping.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01152004 |
| The Pepperidge Farm Man | [[Ray is burping.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01152004 |
| Achewood - January 15, 2007 - Nice Pete's call with Hajul the EE | [[Nice Pete is on the phone]]
/ Nice Pete: Uh yes Hajul this is Peter Cropes? / Hajul: Hello Peetah Cropes! Yooo are getting this unit A-okay? This USB vejetable cuttar I am building for you? / Nice Pete: Well I am having some trouble actually I think it is a "hardware driver issue"? Did you forget to provide one of those? / Hajul: Yooo no contract me for this driver! Yooo only get contract for de hardwaeh! Don't you come bring dat to me! I see it all of the time and then some! / Nice Pete: Now listen to me you fancy son of a bitch from India-- / Hajul: Everybody want a proprietary driver but nobody is wanting to pay for it! Do you think these things grow in the forest?! I quit this phone call! I quit it one thousand times! Yooo go to hell you dumb fellow! / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01152007 |
| Achewood - January 15, 2007 - Nice Pete's call with Hajul the EE | [[Nice Pete is on the phone]]
/ Nice Pete: Uh yes Hajul this is Peter Cropes? / Hajul (voice on phone): Hello Peetah Cropes! Yooo are getting this unit A-okay? This USB vejetable cuttar I am building for you? / Nice Pete: Well I am having some trouble actually I think it is a "hardware driver issue"? Did you forget to provide one of those? / Hajul: Yooo no contract me for this driver! Yooo only get contract for de hardwaeh! Don't you come bring dat to me! I see it all of the time and then some! / Nice Pete: Now listen to me you fancy son of a bitch from India-- / Hajul: Everybody want a proprietary driver but nobody is wanting to pay for it! Do you think these things grow in the forest?! I quit this phone call! I quit it one thousand times! Yooo go to hell you dumb fellow! / [[Nice Pete looks angry]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01152007 |
| Achewood - January 15, 2007 - Nice Pete's call with Hajul the EE | [[Nice Pete is on the phone, holding a pen.]]
/ Nice Pete: Uh yes Hajul this is Peter Cropes? / Hajul: [[voice over phone]] Hello Peetah Cropes! Yooo are getting this unit A-okay? This USB vejetable cuttar I am building for you? / [[Ray and Teodor are fastened to the wall, overhearing.]]
/ Nice Pete: Well I am having some trouble actually I think it is a "hardware driver issue"? Did you forget to provide one of those? / Hajul: Yooo no contract me for this driver! Yooo only get contract for de hardwaeh! Don't you come bring dat to me! I see it all of the time and then some! / Nice Pete: Now you listen to me you fancy son of a bitch from India-- / Hajul: Everybody want a proprietary driver but nobody is wanting to pay for it! Do you think these things grow in the forest?! I quit this phone call! I quit it one thousand times! Yooo go to hell you dumb fellow!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01152007 |
| Achewood - Ketel One - January 16, 2002 | [[Ray and Téodor at a counter in Ray's house. Téodor is seated while Ray mixes drinks]]
/ Ray: You like Ketel One, right?
/ Téodor: Yeah, that's good...liquor. / [[Ray pours]]
/ Ray: Damn straight it is. I got a weakness for the stuff. You take an olive or a twist?
/ Téodor: Uh...a twist. / [[Ray sets down the shaker]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01162002 |
| Achewood - January 16, 2003 | [[On a lonely street corner, late at night]]
/ Roast Beef: SHOWBIZ
/ SHOWBIZ
/ YOU OUT HERE DOGG / [[Roast Beef comes upon Showbiz smoking a cigarette]]
/ Roast Beef: Showbiz man what the hell You ain't got to lie to us / Showbiz: Listen, Roast Beef! Maybe it ain't such a good idea to stage this little family reunion out here just now! / Roast Beef: Look
/ How much you into Rockford Fosgate for
/ Maybe we can work this out / Showbiz: I...I'm into them five large, Beef! I'm gettin' calls every day! / Roast Beef: Alright look here's everything I got
/ That's two G's and change
/ Showbiz: For real?! / Roast Beef: Just take it / Roast Beef: Just take it and run
/ [[Showbiz is already on his way]]
/ So long Showbiz http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01162003 |
| Achewood - January 16, 2004 | Ray: Dang, Roast Beef! You called like forever ago! / Roast Beef: Traffic on the 101 was so FUCKED man it took damn eight hours just to six inches dammit / Ray: I was just about to get a little bit twisty on Jager and chilly Stellas! Sounds like you oughta join me!
/ Roast Beef: Sheesh tell me about it
/ Roast Beef: Make 'em tall and ice cold just like yours truly / Ray: Someone gets sassy after he hacks a big old website!
/ Roast Beef: Man I am just ten kinds of worked up after that hack and all that sittin' around / Roast Beef: I want to just make a big life size origami of myself and be all HOW ARE YOU
/ Roast Beef: HOW HAVE YOU BEEN / Roast Beef: Just push on its nose with my open palm and watch as like one of its arms falls off / [[Logo featuring an angry Roast Beef w/baseball hat, emblazoned with the words "ROAST BEEF KAZENZAKIS."]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01162004 |
| Achewood - January 16, 2004 | Ray: Dang, Roast Beef! You called like forever ago! / Roast Beef: Traffic on the 101 was so FUCKED man it took damn eight hours just to six inches dammit / Ray: I was just about to get a little bit twisty on Jager and chilly Stellas! Sounds like you oughta join me!
/ Roast Beef: Sheesh tell me about it
/ Make 'em tall and ice cold just like yours truly / Ray: Someone gets sassy after he hacks a big old website!
/ Roast Beef: Man I am just ten kinds of worked up after that hack and all that sittin' around / Roast Beef: I want to just make a big life size origami of myself and be all HOW ARE YOU
/ Roast Beef: HOW HAVE YOU BEEN / Roast Beef: Just push on its nose with my open palm and watch as like one of its arms falls off / [[Logo featuring an angry Roast Beef w/baseball hat, emblazoned with the words "ROAST BEEF KAZENZAKIS."]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01162004 |
| Achewood - January 16, 2004 | [[Ray and Roast Beef are standing together in Ray's home. Ray is holding a Martini glass, and Roast Beef is wearing a baseball-style cap and looking fierce]] / Ray: Dang, Roast Beef! You called like forever ago! / Roast Beef: Traffic on the 101 was so FUCKED man it took damn eight hours just to six inches dammit / Ray: I was just about to get a little bit twisty on Jager and chilly Stellas! Sounds like you oughta join me!
/ Roast Beef: Sheesh tell me about it
/ Roast Beef: Make 'em tall and ice cold just like yours truly / Ray: Someone gets sassy after he hacks a big old website!
/ Roast Beef: Man I am just ten kinds of worked up after that hack and all that sittin' around / Roast Beef: I want to just make a big life size origami of myself and be all HOW ARE YOU
/ Roast Beef: HOW HAVE YOU BEEN / Roast Beef: Just push on its nose with my open palm and watch as like one of its arms falls off / [[Logo featuring an angry Roast Beef w/baseball hat, emblazoned with the words "ROAST BEEF KAZENZAKIS."]] / {{Alt-text: Is that a Gustavian Demi-Lune?}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01162004 |
| Achewood - January 16, 2006 | Ray: Todd! Don't use the phone. This ain't that kind of company. / [[Todd tosees the cell phone to Ray]]
/ Todd: 'sfer you, Ray! Hot p-p-potato! / [[Todd catches the phone.]] / Ray's Mother{{over the phone}}: Raymond Quentin Smuckles! Why do you never call your poor mother?!
/ Ray: Mom? / Ray's Mother: I was just speaking with your friend Todd! He says you have a new company? What do you do, Raymond? / {{A flashback panel of Ray holding a cell phone with fake balls attached. Text: "I give you...the ChatSack Triple-Play"}} / Ray: Oh! Todd! Ha, ha! Oh, mom. We...it's a good time. We just havin' a lot of fun and learnin' as we go. / Ray's Mother: Mmm hmm. And what do you sell? Can I buy one? ! would like to support you! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01162006 |
| Achewood - January 16, 2006 | Pee pee. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01162006 |
| Achewood - January 16, 2006 | [[Todd is holding a cellphone to his ear as Ray glares down at him]]
/ Ray: Todd! Don't use the phone. This ain't that kind of company. / [[Todd tosses the cell phone up to Ray]]
/ Todd: 'sfer you, Ray! Hot p-p-potato! / [[Ray catches the phone.]] / Ray's Mother{{over the phone}}: Raymond Quentin Smuckles! Why do you never call your poor mother?!
/ Ray: Mom? / Ray's Mother: I was just speaking with your friend Todd! He says you have a new company? What do you do, Raymond? / [[A flashback panel of Ray holding a cell phone with 3-testicled fake balls hanging from the bottom. Text: "I give you...the ChatSack Triple-Play"]] / Ray: Oh! Todd! Ha, ha! Oh, mom. We...it's a good time. We just havin' a lot of fun and learnin' as we go. / [[Ray looks disgruntled]]
/ Ray's Mother: Mmm hmm. And what do you sell? Can I buy one? ! would like to support you! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01162006 |
| Achewood - January 16, 2007 - Nice Pete gets stabbed in the head | [[Nice Pete is typing furiously]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01162007 |
| Achewood - January 16, 2007 - Nice Pete gets stabbed in the head | [[Nice Pete is typing furiously]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01162007 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01162008">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01162008 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - Téodor's dream - January 17, 2002 | [[Téodor is in bed. His sleep is clearly troubled]]
/ Téodor: ZZZZZ / [[Téodor dreams of Ray, wearing a cape with arms folded and back turned, at the edge of a cliff]] / [[Ray suddenly turns around]]
/ Ray: You want an olive, or you want a twist? Olive, or twist? This is Ketel One, boy! You know what that IS, don't you? DON'T YOU? / Ray: Wait! ...it's time for my back medicine. / [[Ray crouches]] / [[Ray soars into the air]] / {{title text: Is this the end? Will we ever see Ray again? No, and yes.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01172002 |
| Achewood - January 17, 2003 | [[Vlad's Subway. He is at the counter, offering a Flaming Sub out on a plate to Teodor.]]
/ Vlad: Here you go Tough Guy! One on the house!
/ Teodor: AGH! What the hell, Vlad? / [[Vlad moves in slightly closer.]]
/ Vlad: Is new Flamink Sub! Is for real Tough Guys like yourself!
/ Teodor: What's with this whole Tough Guy thing, anyway?
/ Teodor: What happened to "Be Like Jared"? / [[Close up. Vlad has put the plate away.]]
/ Vlad: Listen, Teodor.
/ This Jared business, is terrible marketink idea. / Vlad: Who wants to be this dork, with his stupid face and total wiener personality?
/ This man, he has sex appeal of biscuit with two shits inside. / [[Close up on Teodor]]
/ Teodor: Well, he doesn't really make me feel good about food, if that's what you're saying. / Vlad: Exactly! Now, strictly between you and me, I am writink script for Subway TV ad...
/ Vlad: ...where Green Beret punches Jared in heart so hard that he dies. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01172003 |
| Achewood - January 17, 2005 | [[The toilet party continues. A martini and a blaring boombox sit on top of the commode. Meat products sizzle on a miniature grill nearby. Ray sits beside the toilet admiring its blue water. Roast Beef enters and speaks; his news startles Teodor.]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh dang man this sucks but some characters from web comics just showed up / Ray: What the fuck, man?! / [[Ray strides down the stairs, followed by Roast Beef.]] / Ray: What do you clowns want? You lost or something? / [[A crowd of characters from Keenspot comics stand at the entryway]]
/ The faerie Airalea: I... I am the faerie Airalea! We do not wish your people any harm!
/ Ray: Big deal. Take a hike. / Cynical dyke: Listen. Isn't there a Peet's where we can all go and make like Rachel and Phoebe?
/ Ray: Let me guess. You're a cynical dyke who always needs coffee and talks about coffee. / Anthropomorphic cat: Marshal your words with greater care, friend, or I shall -
/ Ray: Shall what? Shall suck at being entertaining? Too late, pal!
/ Roast Beef: Your activities are so poorly conveyed / {{Alt: No, I don't know who any of these characters are. I took some screenshots at Keenspot.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01172005 |
| Achewood - January 17, 2005 | [[The toilet party continues. A martini and a blaring boombox sit on top of the commode. Meat products sizzle on a miniature grill nearby. Ray sits beside the toilet admiring its blue water. Roast Beef enters and speaks; his news startles Teodor.]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh dang man this sucks but some characters from web comics just showed up / Ray: What the fuck, man?! / [[Ray strides down the stairs, followed by Roast Beef.]] / Ray: What do you clowns want? You lost or something? / [[A crowd of characters from Keenspot comics stand at the entryway.]]
/ The faerie Airalea: [[Otra from 'Girly']] I... I am the faerie Airalea! We do not wish your people any harm!
/ Ray: Big deal. Take a hike. / Cynical dyke: [[Dechs Rashart from 'Anti-Hero For Hire']] Listen. Isn't there a Peet's where we can all go and make like Rachel and Phoebe?
/ Ray: Let me guess. You're a cynical dyke who always needs coffee and talks about coffee. / Anthropomorphic cat: [[Fisk from 'Better Days']] Marshal your words with greater care, friend, or I shall -
/ Ray: Shall what? Shall suck at being entertaining? Too late, pal!
/ Roast Beef: Your activities are so poorly conveyed / {{Alt: No, I don't know who any of these characters are. I took some screenshots at Keenspot.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01172005 |
| Achewood - January 17, 2006 | [[Ray, wearing a shirt and tie, talking on a cell phone]]
/ Ray: Uh...yeah! Of course you can buy one, mom! / Ray's Mother {{through the phone}}: Oh, good. Now, what is it I am buying from you, Raymond. I always write what I bough on the memo line of my checks. It's a good habit. / [[Ray is pacing around]]
/ Ray: We...uh...we sell special cards for...for kids who had to operations on Christmas! / Ray's Mother {{through the phone}}: My goodness! How thoughtful! You are so Inventive, Raymond. You know, my little friend Bobby from church group had an operation on Christmas! This will really cheer him up! / Ray: Well, I'll get it in the mail first thing! Thanks for the sale, mom! / Ray's Mother {{through the phone}}: Raymond! Didn't Todd tell you? He invited me to your company for a visit! You don't need to worry about mailing the card. / Ray {{angry}}: That son of a bitch! What the--
/ Ray's Mother {{through the phone}}: Raymond! Tell me you did not just swear! / Ray: Huh? Oh! No, mom! I was coughin'! I ate a really hot chili pepper just now!
/ Ray {{italics}}: Ack hack hack! Bleccch! Yuck. / Ray's Mother {{through the phone}}: Raymond! Don't eat hot chili peppers when you're on the phone with your monther! Who taught you to do that?
/ Ray: Sorry, mom. I was readin' that book about college dares from the '20s again. / {{Archive Title: Ray Lies about Christmas Cards and Children}}
/ {{alt text: Ahh, the old book of 1920s college dares.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01172006 |
| Achewood - January 17, 2006 | [[Ray, wearing a shirt and tie, talking on a cell phone.]]
/ Ray: Uh...yeah! Of course you can buy one, mom! / Ray's Mother {{over the phone}}: Oh, good. Now, what is it I am buying from you, Raymond. I always write what I bought on the memo line of my checks. It's a good habit. / [[Ray is pacing around]]
/ Ray: We...uh...we sell special cards for...for kids who had to get operations on Christmas! / Ray's Mother {{over the phone}}: My goodness! How thoughtful! You are so inventive, Raymond. You know, my little friend Bobby from church group had an operation on Christmas! This will really cheer him up! / Ray: Well, I'll get it in the mail first thing! Thanks for the sale, mom! / Ray's Mother {{over the phone}}: Raymond! Didn't Todd tell you? He invited me to your company for a visit! You don't need to worry about mailing the card. / Ray {{angry}}: That son of a bitch! What the--
/ Ray's Mother {{over the phone}}: Raymond! Tell me you did not just swear! / Ray: Huh? Oh! No, mom! I was coughin'! I ate a really hot chili pepper just now!
/ Ray {{italics}}: Ack hack hack! Bleccch! Yuck. / Ray's Mother {{over the phone}}: Raymond! Don't eat hot chili peppers when you're on the phone with your monther! Who taught you to do that?
/ Ray: Sorry, mom. I was readin' that book about college dares from the '20s again. / {{Archive Title: Ray Lies about Christmas Cards and Children}}
/ {{alt text: Ahh, the old book of 1920s college dares.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01172006 |
| Achewood - January 17, 2007 | [[Outside the room where Ray and Teodor are captive]]
/ Text box: THAT EVENING.
/ Roast Beef: (In a rage) I TOLD YOU ASSHOLES I WAS MAKING MOUSSAKA TONIGHT AND WHY YOU AREN'T IN THE KITCHEN IS BEYOND EVEN THE PART OF MY IMAGINATION THAT HAS BEEN SITTING AROUND DRINKING OUZO FOR TWO HOURS!
/ Roast Beef: WHERE ARE ALL OF THE ASSHOLES WHO ARE NOT EATING MY MOUSSAKA! / [[Ray and Teodor fastened to the wall.]]
/ Ray: We're in here, dogg! / [[Roast Beef outside the closed door, hand raised.]] / [[Roast Beef slams the door open.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01172007 |
| Achewood - January 17, 2007 | [[Outside the room where Ray and Teodor are captive]]
/ Text box: THAT EVENING.
/ Roast Beef: (In a rage) I TOLD YOU ASSHOLES I WAS MAKING MOUSSAKA TONIGHT AND WHY YOU AREN'T IN THE KITCHEN IS BEYOND EVEN THE PART OF MY IMAGINATION THAT HAS BEEN SITTING AROUND DRINKING OUZO FOR TWO HOURS!
/ Roast Beef: WHERE ARE ALL OF THE ASSHOLES WHO ARE NOT EATING MY MOUSSAKA! / [[Ray and Teodor fastened to the wall.]]
/ Ray: We're in here, dogg! / [[Roast Beef outside the closed door, hand raised.]] / [[Roast Beef slams the door open.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01172007 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/?date=01172010">http://achewood.com/?date=01172010 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Cutting Room Floor #1 | {{Six disconnected panels}}
/ [[Philippe is wearing his Walkman, Lie Bot hands him a tape]]
/ Philippe: Who's Sir Cuss-a-lot?
/ Lie Bot: He's a friend of mine. Just tell me what you think, okay? / [[Mr. Bear reads in bed, a skull floats above him]]
/ Skull: Did you do the treadmill today?
/ Mr. Bear: Half an hour. / [[Lyle is reading "Ethan Frome"]]
/ Lyle: Holy Moses does this book stink! / [[Ray, smoking, considers gift-wrapped cat play equipment]] / [[Téodor is poised over the toilet bowl]]
/ Téodor: So I never...my dad wasn't really there for us...
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01182002 |
| Ray's Toilet Party | [[On their way back to the toilet party after answering the door]]
/ Ray: Alright, all the doors are locked. Let's get back to work.
/ Roast Beef: Decent. / [[Back in the bathroom with Ray, Roast Beef, and Téodor. Music is playing. Ray hears the doorbell over the noise]]
/ Ray: Dammit! There's the doorbell!
/ Roast Beef: Maybe it's somebody else dogg. / [[Ray and Roast Beef walk to the front door]] / [[Ray and Roast Beef open the front door and are greeted by Lie Bot and Vlad. Ray shakes Lie Bots hand.]]
/ Ray: Whoah! Hey, fellows!
/ Vlad: Oh. Ray. Goot. I am just callink your cell. / [[Ray and RB are still at the door with the robots]]
/ Vlad: We are hearink there is party?
/ Ray: Yeah, guys! Come on in! I see you already workin' the mojo! / [[After the robots enter, Blister the ghost squirrel appears at the door. Ray is surprised]]
/ Ray: Whoah! Blister?! / [[Close up on Blister]]
/ Blister: HEY MAN / [[Lyle shows up at the door next, holding a bottle of whiskey and obviously drunk]]
/ Ray: Lyle! Welcome back, man! How was Scotland?
/ Lyle: Lemme know if I shit myself. Excellent. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01182005 |
| Achewood - January 18, 2006 | [[Ray's mom stands at the top of a stairway, apparently just arriving]] / Ray: Mom! / Ray's mom: Raymond Quentin Smuckles! Stand up straight! Who taught you to stand so crooked? It breaks my heart to see you stand so crooked. / [[Ray puts his arm around his mother and starts to lead her]] / Ray: Sorry mom! You okay after your trip? You need anything? Rib-eye? Mimosa? / Ray's mom: Oh, I didn't come here to be a bother. I just want to see my big baby boy! / [[Ray looks at his mother]] / Ray: We got mimosas, rib-eyes, glasses, plates...anything you want, mom. Really. / Ray's mom: Oh, Raymond. Please don't make a fuss. / [[Ray and his mother sit at a table, there are two glasses on the table, filled with Mimosa, obviously. Ray looks at his mother, holding his arms up]] / Ray: I'll tell you what. Why don't I double check to make sure I ain't grillin' any rib-eye, and you stand here and test to see if this is a mimosa. / Ray's mom: Rib-eye is very nutritious, Raymond. It is the most nutritious cut of steak. / {{Alt text: It's nutrition wednesday! Please have nutrition today!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01182006 |
| Achewood - January 18, 2006 | [[Ray's mom stands at the top of a stairway, apparently just arriving]] / Ray: Mom! / Ray's mom: Raymond Quentin Smuckles! Stand up straight! Who taught you to stand so crooked? It breaks my heart that you stand so crooked. / [[Ray puts his arm around his mother and starts to lead her]] / Ray: Sorry mom! You okay after your trip? You need anything? Rib-eye? Mimosa? / Ray's mom: Oh, I didn't come here to be a bother. I just want to see my big baby boy! / [[Ray looks at his mother]] / Ray: We got mimosas, rib-eyes, glasses, plates...anything you want, mom. Really. / Ray's mom: Oh, Raymond. Please don't make a fuss. / [[Ray and his mother sit at a table. There are two champagne flutes on the table, filled with Mimosa, obviously. Ray looks at his mother, holding his arms up]]
/ Ray: I'll tell you what. Why don't I double check to make sure I ain't grillin' any rib-eye, and you stand here and test to see if this is a mimosa. / Ray's mom: Rib-eye is very nutritious, Raymond. It is the most nutritious cut of steak. / {{Archive title: Mrs. Smuckles and the Rib-eye}}
/ {{Alt text: It's Nutrition Wednesday! Please have nutrition today.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01182006 |
| Achewood - January 18, 2007 | [[Ray, Teodor and Roast Beef stand around the prone body of the thoroughly ass-and-brain-stabbed Nice Pete.]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh yeah like you gonna kill him off Ray
/ Roast Beef: Like you really gonna go all pro ice all of a sudden / Ray: The hell, Beef! You saw what he was gonna do to us! / Roast Beef: And what are you gonna do with the body Ray it ain't like you can just make him into a hat ! / [[Three panels: Ray chills against a brick wall, wearing Nice Pete's severed leg on his head, fastened with bungee cord. He looks to his right, looks to his left, then waves in a chill fashion.]] / Roast Beef: If you save him you save yourself 'cause he got Southern ways and he would never Take you after that high gesture
/ Roast Beef: Jesus Ray we got the chessboard out but you playin' Whac-A-Mole / {{Alt text: "Look at Ray, all acting like he'll go pro ice because he's in a raw situation."}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01182007 |
| Achewood - January 18, 2008 | [[In a faded rustic typeface, printed in good warm colors on a canvas surface by men]] Microsoft Spatchcock Chicken Supper April 6, 1953 / Téodor [[sporting muttonchops and a green outfit that, at first glance, in conjunction with the muttonchops, lends the appearance of a military man, but upon closer inspection, it's just gaudy, all bells in the place of epaulets]]: Spatchcock?
/ [[Heavy-set, mustached man, earth tones of his skin and hair in stark contrast with his neon red cowboy jacket and electric blue hat, henceforth referred to simply as "Boss"]: It means butchering a bird by cutting out its backbone and flattening it. It's how we grill birds for most of our company meals. Where'd you grow up? / Téodor: Oh! "Butterflying." I can butterfly as well as anyone. I...I must have been a little out of date on the terminology. / [[The Boss stares, silently.]] / Boss: You sure you can handle this barbecue? We have forty-five vendors comin' from Canada, the UK, and Sweden. That's in addition to the employees. / Téodor: I can do it. I can definitely do it. Are there any other dishes?
/ Boss: Here. / [[Téodor stares at the list proferred him. It reads: Fried fresh eastern scallops, individual chicken pie in casserole, broiled halibut steak, fried chicken [obscured] cooked to order, mountain rain[obscured] open-face turkey sandwich with [obscured] whipped potatoes, fried New York [obscured], jam omelette, cheese omelette [obscured]ggs, Blue Ribbon boneless club [obscured] steak, Spanish rice, half [obscured] toast, Garden shrimp salad [obscured] french fried onion [obscured] ginger]] / Boss: Cost this out and get me a budget by five. You can call around for prices.
/ Téodor: Okay, sounds good. Great. / [[Still shot of a clock at around 10:07.]] / Téodor: "DO NOT KILL MY FAMILY," by F. Carleton Nesp. That'd be a funny name for a bad drama. I should call Reader's Digest... / [[Still shot of a clock at around 4:56.]] / Téodor: I wonder if I want a hawky WASP-type woman. Really reserved, but it would be "our little secret" that she liked sex... A LOT. / Boss: Alright, Téodor. Let's see your budget for the big spatchcock supper.
/ Téodor: Oh! I-- / [[The Boss looks at Teodor's paper, upon which is written the following, the final line being accompanied by a figure that could be a mushroom cloud or a deciduous tree:
/ "Lao Party Paste" (a new drug)
/ Rodeo Ham (w/ BBQ sauce)
/ Atom Bomb... or Tree?]] / [[The Boss stares at the paper.]] / Boss: Téodor, are you ever... honest with yourself? I mean, about everything. / {{alt text: This is the exact question where the boss knows that he wants you to quit.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01182008 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/?date=01192004">http://achewood.com/?date=01192004 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - January 20, 2004 | Great moments in cinema - "A Few Good Men"
/ Presented by Roomba! The robotic floor vac. / Teodor: "You want answers?!"
/ Roast Beef: "I want the truth"
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01202004 |
| Roomba Cinema | Title card: GREAT MOMENTS IN CINEMA
/ PRESENTS
/ "A FEW GOOD MEN"
/ BROUGHT TO YOU BY
/ ROOMBA! THE ROBOTIC FLOOR VAC / [[Téodor and Roast Beef are on Roombas, Roast Beef in a suit and tie and Téodor in his sweater with his arms crossed.]]
/ Téodor: You want answers?!
/ Roast Beef: I want the truth / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01202004 |
| Achewood - January 20, 2005 | Ray: So how's your Subway doin', Vlad? What's new in the custom sandwich game?
/ Vlad: Oh, is pleasant, but I am gettink ready to set it onto ear. / Ray: Comin' up with new sandwich concepts and stuff? Talk to me, doggie! You know, I had this one idea about a way of bakin' the roll so it has a curly little tail— / Vlad: Basically idea involves Internet, and virtual feedink of sandwich to woman on web-cam.
/ Ray: Ooh, like all in tiny panties and a hat? / Vlad: Just standard Subway uniform until I can relocate web-cam from mop closet. Is health codes thing.
/ Ray: So you got a cam on a dressed woman eatin' a sandwich in a mop closet? / Vlad: Come, see. Evaluate beta.
/ Roast Beef: Maybe I uh I could lend a hand with any debugging
/ Vlad: Sure, Roast Beef! You drive. / SOON.
/ Vlad: Haha! Chew the sandwich, you nasty dame! You are Vlad's mama-bird, tonight!
/ Roast Beef: Molly ?! / {{title: Why do Vlad’s erotic fantasies involve both debasement and maternal succor}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01202005 |
| Achewood - January 20, 2006 | [[Roast Beef stands in a doorway.]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh dogg on a hogg we got much crispy Stellas out by the pool Ray
/ That golden action is so crunchy / [[Roast Beef sees Mrs. Smuckles.]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh my goodness Hello Mrs. Smuckles!
/ It is very nice to see you! / Mrs. Smuckles: Roast Beef! Why, look at you! So handsome all grown up, and still SO polite.
/ Roast Beef: Thank you Mrs. Smuckles / [[Mrs. Smuckles gives Roast Beef a note.]]
/ Mrs. Smuckles: Here's five dollars, Roast Beef. Now go and get yourself a sandwich.
/ Roast Beef: I will Mrs. Smuckles I will get a sandwich right away I promise
/ I will pay you back someday Mrs. Smuckles / Mrs Smuckles: I won't hear of it. Now, make sure you get extra cheese. I still worry that you are so thin.
/ Roast Beef: I will make sure to ask for double cheese and I promise to keep it on as weight / Mrs Smuckles: Cheese is very nutritious, Roast Beef. Girls like a boy who eats cheese.
/ Roast Beef: I hope I find that out someday
/ Thankyou again Mrs Smuckles / {{Alt text: Well, don't you, girls?}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01202006 |
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