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| Achewood - June 30, 2006 | [[Mr. Bear is on the phone, holding a letter in his hand]]
/ Mr. Bear: Hello, Ellen. My name is Cornelius Bear.
/ Mr. Bear: Well, I'm afraid I'm calling to decline membership in Mensa. / [[Closeup of the letter]]
/ Mr. Bear [[not visible]]: Of course. A friend of mine--Raymond Smuckles--is a member of Mensa, and he seems to have "invited" me to your club.
/ [[Letter text:
/ (Mensa logo)
/ Hello, Cornelius Bear!
/ You have been invited to join the ranks of the world's highest and most official order of intelligentsia!
/ Your colleague, Raymond Smuckles, "PhD,(tm)" has recommended you for..]] / [[Image of Ray, looking as chochacho as usual]]
/ Mr. Bear [[not visible]]: Yes, Mr. Smuckles is a very intelligent person. / [[Back to Mr. Bear, from behind, still holding letter]]
/ Mr. Bear: No, I would not like to release that quote for use in your official literature. / [[Shot of a window from the outside, Mr. Bear looking out]]
/ Mr. Bear: Well, I'm declining because, frankly, I have no use for the benefits of membership. / [[Back to a shot of Mr. Bear alone from the front. He raises an eyebrow.]] / Mr. Bear: Yes, I know who Poe was. Yes, I know who "invented" McDonald's - the McDonald brothers and Ray Kroc. I... what's that, now?
/ Mr. Bear: Of course I know a synonym for "sad"! / [[Mr. Bear's eyebrows contract; he quivers slightly, insulted]] / [[Back view]]
/ Mr. Bear: Disconsolate. Lugubrious. / [[Front view; his eyebrows no longer angry (or indeed present)]]
/ Mr. Bear: No, I was not aware that I qualified to be a member of Mensa's Distinguished Minds lecture circuit. / [[Mr. Bear appears interested]]
/ Mr. Bear: I...my, that is indeed a generous remuneration schedule.
/ Mr. Bear: The lectures are already prepared, you say? / Narrator: SOON.
/ [[Mr. Bear in suit and bow tie, behind a podium with the Mensa logo on it]]
/ Mr. Bear: Did you know that soil is a fabulous substance? Soil is actually much different from what you or I might imagine! Soil is a befitting subject for philosophy, for we come from it, and we return to it. Join me, Cornelius Bear, as we journey into the mysteries of... / {{alt-text: Ray got a front-row seat for this one and is gently elbowing everybody to whisper that he knows Cornelius.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06302006 |
| Achewood § June 30, 2008 | Ray: Beef! Come on over, dude! We rallyin' for your bachelor party! / Roast Beef: Dang man and but don't I need a good time / THEN....
/ Ray: Yo yo, T! You ready to get on up in the Roast Beef bachelor party train?
/ Ray: What? What in hell you mean you guys ain't on speakin' terms?! / SOON.
/ Ray: Yo Connie, come on down for the Roast Beef bachelor party! It's gonna be off the-
/ Ray: Huh? What? Fool, don't get arthroscopic surgery tonight! / EVEN THESE GUYS...
/ Phone: YOU HAVE REACHED EMERIL LEGOINEGASQUE AND ROBERT L. DANE. WE ARE AWAY THIS WEEK AT THE CALGARY R/C HELICOPTER EXPO.
/ Phone: IF YOU ARE CALLING ABOUT THE R/C HELICOPTER, IT IS NO LONGER FOR SALE. / BEEF ARRIVES.
/ Ray: My mom just called, dude. I got to pick her up at the airport. Back in fifty, cool?
/ Roast Beef: Oh yeah dogg just let me at the bar I'm gonna tinker with myself 'til I say only promises / Roast Beef: This is MY bachelor party and I am gonna get WRECKED UP!
/ Roast Beef: It is DUDE'S DELIGHT! / Radio: HIGHWAY 101 IS BLOCKED IN BOTH DIRECTIONS DUE TO AN OVERTURNED BIG RIG CARRYING HAZARDOUS MATERIALS. THE HIGHWAY PATROL ESTIMATES SIX TO TEN HOURS UNTIL THE ROAD IS CLEARED. / Ray: Oh CRAP I got to call Beef!
/ Ray: Oh DAMMIT my cell phone is dead! WHY I don't never charge my damn cell phone? WHY must I live like a fool?! / Roast Beef: Oh hee hee already some pee in front of the toilet man this party is gonna be off the hook
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06302008 |
| Achewood § June 30, 2009 | [[Philippe runs up to his favorite typewriter. At the top of the panel, these words appear:]]
/ A LOVE ROMANCE
/ The story of what happens when two people in love find each other! / [[Philippe gets to typing.]]
/ Jack "Tennis" Amore sat at the country club lunch table with a beautiful lady. Her name was Katherine H. Jones. / Jack had seen her a few times before, and every time when he went home, he had pretty crazy ideas about her in his head. / "When I saw you hold the racket yesterday," he said, "I pretended you were holding my hand."
/ Philippe: Talk about fresh! / She blushed until she fainted. He knew what to do.
/ Philippe: [[Thinking to himself:]] What should he do? A good writer would know this. / "Waiter," he said, "When she wakes up, make sure she is wearing this ring." He gave the guy a wedding ring. The waiter was named Carlton F. Mintonado. / "Certainly, sir." The waiter expertly licked the inside of the ring and slipped it onto her wedding finger. "Haha!" laughed Jack. "You've done this before!"
/ Philippe: Ha ha! / "The country club can meet any need," said the waiter. Soon, the lady woke up. Her finger felt new, it felt different. She looked at it. She gasped. / [[Philippe runs off on his merry way]]
/ "Are we...?" she tried to ask, starting to blush again. Jack smiled and got up. Slowly, carefull,y and with a lot of understanding, he put his mouth onto her mouth. THE END.
/ Philippe: Siiick! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06302009 |
| Achewood - July 1, 2003 | Ray: [[obviously concerned and wringing his paws as Dr. Andretti clutches his clipboard]] Don't tell me he's dead Dr. Andretti! Say it ain't so! / Dr. Andretti: His liver was badly damaged in the fall. He's on life support but we'll need to find a donor / Ray: [[contemplating, rubbing his paw against his chin as he looks at a Nightlife]] Interesting. / Nightlife: [[indignantly]] Whoah, don't get any ideas, muchacho amigo. My foie gras looks like a damn brillo pad.
/ [[Ray crosses his arms in anger as he hears this]] / Dr. Andretti: Or, we can implant an artificial liver.
/ Ray: They've got such a thing? / Dr. Andretti: It's made by the Japanese. It's highly experimental, but right now it's his best hope. / [[Close up of the artificial liver box]]
/ Text on box: SANRYOBUKI! liver
/ FRANK HAD A DREAM
/ A HOUSEHOLD DREAM
/ THE SUN HAS MADE A NOTE OF HIS FACE
/ Tomorrow has made a phonecall to today. / {{title text: The cat will receive a popular Japanese liver}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07012003 |
| Achewood - July 1, 2003 | [[At hospital. Ray worried and wringing his paws. Dr. Andretti holding clipboard]]
/ Ray: Don't tell me he's dead, Dr. Andretti! Say it ain't so! / Dr. Andretti: His liver was badly damaged in the fall. He's on life support but we'll need to find a donor. / [[Ray contemplating, rubbing his paw against his chin as he looks at Nightlife]] Ray: Interesting. / Nightlife: Whoah, don't get any ideas, muchacho amigo. My foie gras looks like a damn Brillo pad.
/ [[Ray crosses his arms in anger as he hears this]] / Dr. Andretti: Or, we can implant an artificial liver.
/ Ray: They got such a thing? / Dr. Andretti: It's made by the Japanese. It's highly experimental, but right now it's his best hope. / [[Close up of the artificial liver box]]
/ Text on box: SANRYOBUKI! liver
/ FRANK HAD A DREAM
/ A HOUSEHOLD DREAM
/ THE SUN HAS MADE A NOTE OF HIS FACE
/ Tomorrow has made a phone call to today. / {{title text: The cat will receive a popular Japanese liver}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07012003 |
| Achewood - July 1, 2003 | Ray: [[obviously concerned and wringing his paws as Dr. Andretti clutches his clipboard]] Don't tell me he's dead Dr. Andretti! Say it ain't so! / Dr. Andretti: His liver was badly damaged in the fall. He's on life support but we'll need to find a donor / Ray: [[contemplating, rubbing his paw against his chin as he looks at Nightlife]] Interesting. / Nightlife: [[indignantly]] Whoah, don't get any ideas, muchacho amigo. My foie gras looks like a damn Brillo pad.
/ [[Ray crosses his arms in anger as he hears this]] / Dr. Andretti: Or, we can implant an artificial liver.
/ Ray: They've got such a thing? / Dr. Andretti: It's made by the Japanese. It's highly experimental, but right now it's his best hope. / [[Close up of the artificial liver box]]
/ Text on box: SANRYOBUKI! liver
/ FRANK HAD A DREAM
/ A HOUSEHOLD DREAM
/ THE SUN HAS MADE A NOTE OF HIS FACE
/ Tomorrow has made a phonecall to today. / {{Alt text: The cat will receive a popular Japanese liver}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07012003 |
| Achewood - July 1, 2004 | [[Roast Beef and Philippe are discussing Philippe's campaign for President. There is a pope hat on the table.]]
/ Roast Beef: Okay Philippe uh it is important how you act on days when you got to meet such as foreign dignitaries
/ Roast Beef: So let's pretend I am the Pope and you are meeting me okay
/ Philippe: Okay! / [[Roast Beef is wearing the pope hat and shivering.]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh hello my son bless you as you are the fruit of the lamb
/ Philippe: Hello, dear Pope! Would you like a seat near the window? / Roast Beef: I got such as rheumatism and must sit near a fire
/ Philippe: Start a fire for the pope, at once! / [[Roast Beef is becoming angry.]]
/ Roast Beef: You know I got some problems with your country I should mention
/ Roast Beef: You are all hella lazy and a bunch of fatsoes to boot
/ Roast Beef: Plus you got bad morals / Philippe: You're absolutely right, dear Pope! I am dedicated to improving morals!
/ Roast Beef: Remember that all your family and your momma gonna burn if we don't agree on stuff / [[Philippe is angry.]]
/ Philippe: You may NOT speak about my mother that way! Pope, you are no longer welcome in my country!
/ Roast Beef: Dang Philippe man you really got a set on you ! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07012004 |
| Achewood - July 1, 2005 | [[Young Ray and Roast Beef are in a dark room. Roast Beef looks stricken.]] / Ray: It's okay, Beef! Right! Everything is cool, man! / Ray: Beef? / Ray: Look, Beef! I'm hitting myself! I'm hitting myself! Look! / [[Roast Beef continues to hold his head in his hands and cry.]] / SOON. / Ray: Do you think that was really your dad? / Roast Beef: A stitch in time saves nine I guess / Ray: What's a stitch in time? Is that like black hole theory? / Roast Beef: Look Ray I'll meet you at your house later okay / [[Roast Beef walks along the sidewalk of his neighborhood and hops over the side of a bridge]] / HOP
/ PUBLIC BRIDGE - 1902 / [[Roast Beef falls into the water and floats on his back, still wearing his shorts and hoodie.]]
/ {{Alt-text: The dude is from Circumstances.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07012005 |
| Achewood - July 1, 2008 | [[Molly is getting dressed in an anachronistic outfit in front of a mirror]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07012008 |
| Achewood - July 2, 2004 | [[Roast Beef is addressing the readers, dressed as the Pope.]]
/ Roast Beef: We got nine new blogs to get caught up on today you Jack Samsons so put on your Face Eyes and sit in your Body Chair ! / {{ title text- find out nine breakfasts}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07022004 |
| Achewood - July 2, 2004 | [[Roast Beef is addressing the readers, dressed as the Pope.]]
/ Roast Beef: We got nine new blogs to get caught up on today you Jack Samsons so put on your Face Eyes and sit in your Body Chair ! / {{title text- find out nine breakfasts}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07022004 |
| Achewood - July 2, 2007 | [[Lyle approaches Téodor who is at his computer]]
/ Lyle: Hey. I heard you were makin' baseball cards for us. I want one. / [[Téodor turns to answer Lyle]]
/ Téodor: Ray paid be a hundred bucks to design his. Whatta you got? / [[Lyle phones Ray]]
/ Lyle: Hey Ray! I need a hundred bucks. Can't say why.
/ Ray: That is craaazy mysterious!
/ Ray: Oynay oblempray, hombre. / [[The panel shows the front of a baseball card of Lyle. Lyle has a middle finger raised and a bottle of alcohol. The picture is taken outside of a Burger King. The card is labelled Toppps! Lyle Gabriel]]
/ Narrator: SOON. / NAME: LYLE ROSCOE GABRIEL
/ DECLARED OCCUPATION: SHORT-ORDER COOK
/ OBSERVED OCCUPATION: RALPHING HALFWAY THROUGH HIS SHIFT AT BAJA SAM'S FIESTA CANTINA AND SCAVENGING USED MARGARITAS TO QUELL THE SHAKES
/ ASS MAN: 1972-1989
/ BREAST MAN: 1989-1997
/ CURRENTLY: HOLE MAN
/ HAIR DRESSING: PROPRIETARY, ORGANIC
/ DEODORANT:
/ COLOGNES: OLD SPICE, BRISTOL CHIMNEY WIND
/ PHRASE FOR JOKING AWAY SOME GAS: "I DID THAT. I'M AS SERIOUS AS A HEART ATTACK."
/ FORD OR CHEVY: (Subject claims he would rather push a Chevy than drive a Ford.)
/ DAIHATSU THANK-YOU OR KIA SEDONA: (Subject slaps interviewer on back of head)
/ SKIN RAG STICKING OUT OF HIS BACK POCKET THIS WEEK: COMPLETELY RUINED JUNK #28
/ YOU STILL BUY /PRINT/ SMUT?! "THINK ABOUT IT. THE POWER GOES OUT. WHO HOLDS ALL THE CARDS?" http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07022007 |
| Achewood - July 2, 2007 | [[Lyle approaches Téodor who is at his computer]]
/ Lyle: Hey. I heard you were makin' baseball cards for us. I want one. / [[Téodor turns to answer Lyle]]
/ Téodor: Ray paid be a hundred bucks to design his. Whatta you got? / [[Lyle phones Ray]]
/ Lyle: Hey Ray! I need a hundred bucks. Can't say why.
/ Ray: That is craaazy mysterious!
/ Ray: Oynay oblempray, hombre. / [[The panel shows the front of a baseball card of Lyle. Lyle has a middle finger raised and a bottle of alcohol. The picture is taken outside of a Burger King. The card is labelled Toppps! Lyle Gabriel]]
/ Narrator: SOON. / NAME: LYLE ROSCOE GABRIEL
/ DECLARED OCCUPATION: SHORT-ORDER COOK
/ OBSERVED OCCUPATION: RALPHING HALFWAY THROUGH HIS SHIFT AT BAJA SAM'S FIESTA CANTINA AND SCAVENGING USED MARGARITAS TO QUELL THE SHAKES
/ ASS MAN: 1972-1989
/ BREAST MAN: 1989-1997
/ CURRENTLY: HOLE MAN
/ HAIR DRESSING: PROPRIETARY, ORGANIC
/ DEODORANT:
/ COLOGNES: OLD SPICE, BRISTOL CHIMNEY WIND
/ PHRASE FOR JOKING AWAY SOME GAS: "I DID THAT. I'M AS SERIOUS AS A HEART ATTACK."
/ FORD OR CHEVY: (Subject claims he would rather push a Chevy than drive a Ford.)
/ DAIHATSU THANK-YOU OR KIA SEDONA: (Subject slaps interviewer on back of head)
/ SKIN RAG STICKING OUT OF HIS BACK POCKET THIS WEEK: COMPLETELY RUINED JUNK #28
/ YOU STILL BUY /PRINT/ SMUT?! "THINK ABOUT IT. THE POWER GOES OUT. WHO HOLDS ALL THE CARDS?" http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07022007 |
| Achewood § July 2, 2008 | (A check from Raymond Quentin Smuckles, 11 Via Verde, Achewood, CA 94526)
/ (Annotation on upper portion of the check reads: "Can you do an artichoke dish? (For mom)")
/ Pay to the order of: Teodor (the "e" in Teodor has no vertical bar, and a small penis and set of testicles adorns the top of the letter)
/ The amount of $100,000.01
/ Memo: Runnin' Beef's Wedding
/ Signature: -=Ray=-
/ (Annotation beneath signature: "Grow up and get it done, son!") / (Teodor stares at the check with a frown and a raised eyebrow) / Police Blotter
/ July 2
/ Arvesdale Rd -- A man identifying himself only as "Uncle George" backed a large four-door sedan into his Best Western motel room and was booked on suspicion of DUI. A witness named Aunt Nina claimed to know nothing about him, but reported that the incident was "typical." The man repeated that he was "Uncle George" several times during the arrest.
/ Arvesdale Rd -- Best Western: A woman calling herself Aunt Nina was apprehended for removing a bag of bananas and several pairs of shoes from a vehicle involved in an active crime scene. / Roast beef asleep, dark room. / Light/switch clicks on, awakening Roast Beef with a start. / Ray says: Beef, take this pill. It contains all the memories of your bachelor party. / Molly's mother: Father did his mathematics on the way over, and he fears you've only time to bear ten children before your climacteric. Eat plenty of clover, to encourage the bearing of twins, and always take stairs two at a time, to widen your lady-bits. / Ramses writing a note on the hood of his Falcon: Sorry this damn thing don't have the dough hook attachment. Take it back for store credit is what I say. Good luck with what you're doin'. Ramses / Vlad, in some bizarre slavic wedding apparel, whistles as he ties his tie. / Vlad sprays his hat bird with a liquid. / Portland, Oregon: Simon whistles as he packs. / Doctor Andretti (on the phone with his mother): Yes, mother. The ceremony starts at three, so I would like to find parking no later than one forty-five. The forecast says that there will be weather, so I will want you to bring your pashmina. / Teodor, tapping away at the computer. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07022008 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07022009">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07022009 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - July 3, 2003 | [[Roast Beef and Molly are at the table, having just finished eating.]]
/ Molly: Can I get you another Corona, Roast Beef?
/ Roast Beef: Oh uh yeah awesome I would like that thanks / Roast Beef: Excuse me first though - I got to see a man about a famous urinating horse which I am considering buying / Roast Beef: Ooh dang man I got some waxy buildup - better find a Q-Tip / Roast Beef: Don't want her seeing that / Roast Beef: Whoah are those condoms - must be from like an ex-boyfriend or something / Roast Beef: Uh oh / [[Roast Beef looks at the condom package. They are labelled "Ultra-Max XXL: The Longest Condom Available Anywhere", and they come with free earplugs.]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07032003 |
| Achewood - July 3, 2003 | [[Roast Beef and Molly are at the table, having just finished eating.]]
/ Molly: Can I get you another Corona, Roast Beef?
/ Roast Beef: Oh uh yeah awesome I would like that thanks / [[Beef gets up]]
/ Roast Beef: Excuse me first though - I got to see a man about a famous urinating horse which I am considering buying / [[on way to bathroom]]
/ Roast Beef: Ooh dang man I got some waxy buildup ... better find a Q-Tip / [[in bathroom]]
/ Roast Beef: Don't want her seein' that / Roast Beef: Whoah are those condoms ... must be from like a ex-boyfriend or something / Roast Beef: Uh oh / [[Close-up of condom package in Beef's hands. Label reads:
/ "Oddyssey
/ ULTRA-MAX XXL
/ Lubricated
/ Triple-Reservoir End
/ BONUS: Free Earplugs!
/ The Longest Condom Available Anywhere"]] / {{title text: The longest condom available without a prescription}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07032003 |
| Achewood - July 3, 2003 | [[Roast Beef and Molly are at the table, having just finished eating.]]
/ Molly: Can I get you another Corona, Roast Beef?
/ Roast Beef: Oh uh yeah awesome I would like that thanks / Roast Beef: Excuse me first though - I got to see a man about a famous urinating horse which I am considering buying / Roast Beef: Ooh dang man I got some waxy buildup - better find a Q-Tip / Roast Beef: Don't want her seeing that / Roast Beef: Whoah are those condoms - must be from like an ex-boyfriend or something / Roast Beef: Uh oh / [[Roast Beef looks at the condom package. They are labelled "Ultra-Max XXL: The Longest Condom Available Anywhere", have a horse on the box, and come with free earplugs.]] / {{The longest condom available without a prescription}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07032003 |
| Achewood - July 3, 2006 | Ray (holds gut): Ooh… man. Ouch. / Ray: I just ate a hunk of salami, and it is doin' me no favors. / Roast Beef: Salami can be pretty spicy. Maybe you got a touch of sass gut / Ray: Yeah, that sounds about right. What's a good remedy? / Roast Beef: Mix a little Judge Harlan's Unknown Tonic with an equal part of flour water / Ray: Damn, they did that in your family too? My great aunt used to mix that up for my Uncle Gerard!
/ Roast Beef: Yeah uh Gramma K would give that to Showbiz when he had pimp skitters / Ray: What's…pimp skitters? / Roast Beef: If you only take your meals standing and they all tend to be greasy street foods they tend to give you sinner's ass something awful / Ray: You know how much hip-hop I listen to. How come I never heard of pimp skitters?
/ Roast Beef: It ain't like Snoop Dogg wants people knowing about the time he couldn't find a McDonald's and had to pull his Tommys around his ankles while his hoes held up a beach towel / {{Alt text: Snoop Dogg is all, BITCHES do NOT LISTEN}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07032006 |
| Achewood - July 3, 2006 | [[Ray is standing with his hands on his gut.]]
/ Ray: Ooh...man.
/ Ray: Ouch. / [[Roast Beef is sitting across the kitchen counter, eyeing an egg on his plate.]]
/ Ray: I just ate a hunk of salami, and it is doin' me NO favors. / Roast Beef: Salami can be pretty spicy
/ Roast Beef: Maybe you got a touch of sass gut / Ray: Yeah, that sounds about right.
/ Ray: What's a good remedy? / Roast Beef: Mix a little Judge Harlan's Unknown Tonic with an equal part of flour water / Ray: Damn, they did that in your family too? My great aunt used to mix that up for my Uncle Gérard!
/ Roast Beef: Yeah uh Gramma K would give that to Showbiz when he had pimp skitters / Ray: What's...pimp skitters? / Roast Beef: If you only take your meals standing and they all tend to be greasy street foods they tend to give you sinner's ass somethin' awful / [[Roast Beef sticks his fork in the egg.]]
/ Ray: You know how much hip-hop I listen to. How come I never heard of pimp skitters?
/ Roast Beef: It ain't like Snoop Dogg wants people knowing about the time he couldn't find a McDonald's and had to pull his Tommys around his ankles while his hoes held up a beach towel / {{alt text: Snoop Dogg is all, BITCHES do NOT LISTEN}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07032006 |
| Achewood - July 3, 2007 - Performance/Pay Inequalities | [[Ray is sitting in front of his computer. Teodor is behind Ray, with a book in his hands.]]
/ Ray: Check out this statistic! It says here a guy with only SIX pictures of his butt on the Internet makes more per year than a public schoolteacher! / Teodor: So? That's not that much.
/ Ray: It only goes up from there! A dude with just ONE mp3 of his butt on the Internet makes eight to ten times that much! / Teodor: Huh. Alright, I'm down. Do you have a microphone hooked up to this thing?
/ Ray: Think so. / [[Caption: SOON. Teodor has his pants half-way down and Ray is holding a microphone directly over Teodor's exposed butt.]] / [[The recording of Teodor's butt continues.]] / [[Caption: ONE MONTH LATER. Teodor is playing tennis and having a conversation on his bluetooth at the same time.]]
/ Teodor: Yeah, but the 911 won't hold its value as well as the BMW. Oh, god. Who cares. Sorry... that was carryover thinking from simpler times...one sec. / {{alt-text: Teodor's mp3 is set to John Cage's 4'33''}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07032007 |
| Achewood § July 3, 2008 | Emeril (thinking):
/ Oh heavens to Betsy
/ Curse you sweet congee
/ These pants are a prison / Roast Beef (thinking):
/ Man if you got to RENT a tuxedo then you should not WEAR a tuxedo
/ What kind of airs is that baloney?
/ Why should I dress like SOMEBODY ELSE at MY wedding?! / [[Sign: Peninsula, Police uniforms - Firefighter, Open to the public]] / [[Volgidanian Wedding Song]] / Vlad:
/ Achem.
/ May they not split, When you die and fall down,
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07032008 |
| Achewood - July 4, 2003 | {{Chris's European vacation strip}} / Narrator: Ray making a fool of himself in Krakow, Poland / Narrator: Philippe, high above Vienna, on the world's largest Ferris wheel / Narrator: Roast Beef with map in Pots-damer Piatz, Berlin, Germany / Narrator: Little Nephew, angry that all I want to do in Munich is watch German Sesame Street / Narrator: Philippe, stowed away on the train to Budapest / Narrator: Ray making a fool of himself in Warsaw, Poland / [[Panel with Roast Beef still looking confused in Potsdamer Piatz]] / {{alt-text: Philippe, for some reason, always appears as a stuffed animal version of himself}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07042003 |
| Achewood - July 4, 2005 | {{The comic comprises images of question cards from ``Trivial Pursuit: Achewood edition'', an edition that has not made it to commercial production as at the time of writing}} / [[Title card]]
/ Trivial Pursuit
/ achewood edition
/ Are you a Knucklehead From Old Times, or just a Huggins-come-lately? Find out here!
/ KEY
/ GK = General Knowledge
/ BL = Blogs
/ SF = Special Features
/ BZ = Bozacks / [[Question card 001]]
/ GK: What did Ray do for Roast Beef after lying to him about having ``hella porno'' in order to get him to come home from outer space?
/ BL: What drink did Ray invent for his Machete Madness party? (October 2004)
/ SF: What is Roast Beef's favorite children's adventure series? (Vol IV)
/ BZ: In Rhymedown 2003, what two explanations does Little Nephew proffer regarding the numbness of Ray's bozack? / [[Question card 002]]
/ GK: What specious character did _THE BANDIT_ add to a hacked version of Oregon Trail?
/ BL: Who did Roast Beef imitate when he pulled up his swim trunks with the toilet paper tube still in them? (March 2005)
/ SF: What do American women think of computer programs? (Vol II)
/ BZ: What happened to Roast Beef's bozack from repeatedly slamming it on the crossbar of his bicycle? / [[Question card 003]]
/ GK: Why did Pat call KPMA talk radio to say that he doesn't think barbers should make much money?
/ BL: What is the name of the Olympic event that Philippe invented for himself? (August 2004)
/ SF: Who shotgunned a half-rack of Rainier Ice and needed to be saved by swallowing a lime and getting a stiff punch in the chest? (Ray's Place)
/ BZ: What, besides his bozack, would fill with blood after Roast Beef's failed bicycle jump attempts? / [[Duplicate of first frame]] / [[Answer card 001]]
/ GK: He built a replica of Cheers
/ BL: The Piso Mojado -- ``three kinds of mezcal and icy grape purée. It gets you donked in a hurry.''
/ SF: Nate Small, One Tough Man
/ BZ: a) too much booze, b) his bozack has been flayed / [[Answer card 002]]
/ GK: Hiram the sexually aggressive blacksmith
/ BL: Darth Vader, of course
/ SF: Women /hate/ computer games here, /Hate/ them to /hell/
/ BZ: It was swole up like a little angry plum most of hte time / [[Answer card 003]]
/ GK: Because he's an asshole
/ BL: The Boy's Medley. The last event is to play the C scale on a piano.
/ SF: Punch Man
/ BZ: His Vas Deferens http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07042005 |
| Achewood - July 5, 2005 | [[Philippe approaches Lie Bot, who is standing in front of a door.]]
/ Philippe: Hiya, Lie Bot!
/ Lie Bot: Philippe! Guess what's in the hall closet!
/ Philippe: Oh, I dunno. Extra stuff?
/ Lie Bot: a SKELETON! / [[Philippe looks frightened, then his mouth falls open and he begins to shake. Then, he screams.]]
/ Philippe: AAAA!
/ Philippe: AAAAAAA! / {{alt text: The next seven panels go something like this: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07052005 |
| Achewood - July 5, 2005 | [[Philippe approaches Lie Bot, who is standing in front of a door.]]
/ Philippe: Hiya, Lie Bot!
/ Lie Bot: Philippe! Guess what's in the hall closet!
/ Philippe: Oh, I dunno. Extra stuff?
/ Lie Bot: a SKELETON! / [[Philippe looks frightened, then his mouth falls open and he begins to shake. Then, he screams.]]
/ Philippe: AAAA! / [[Philippe drops to his knees.]]
/ Philippe: AAAAAAA! / {{alt text: The next seven panels go something like this: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07052005 |
| Achewood - July 5, 2005 | [[Philippe approaches Lie Bot, who is standing in front of a door.]]
/ Philippe: Hiya, Lie Bot!
/ Lie Bot: Philippe! Guess what's in the hall closet!
/ Philippe: Oh, I dunno. Extra stuff?
/ Lie Bot: a SKELETON! / [[Philippe looks frightened, then his mouth falls open and he begins to shake. Then, he screams.]]
/ Philippe: AAAA!
/ [[Phlippe falls to his knees]]
/ Philippe: AAAAAAA! / {{alt text: The next seven panels go something like this: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07052005 |
| Achewood - July 5, 2006 | [[Lyle stands near the corner, bottle of whiskey in his hand. There is a significant stain on the carpet in the corner]]
/ Lyle: Hey! Where's the cabbage I farted by the J-Lo? / [[Teodor stands before Lyle, ever-so-slightly miffed with is hands on his hips]]
/ Teodor: It breathed like warm liquid. I reamed the tweezer hair and stuck it up
/ Lyle: Aw, crap. I was lettin' Todd crash in there / [[Teodor's posture slackens]]
/ Teodor: I threw Todd away?
/ Lyle: Probably. Did it seem kind of heavy? / [[Teodor's hands return to his hips]]
/ Teodor: Well...yeah, but I thought someone had used the thing as a toilet and left it in the hall.
/ It wouldn't be the first time. / [[Zoom in on Lyle]]
/ Lyle: That was a phone book, and I said I was sorry. How long you gonna carry that damn thing's torch. / [[Zoom in on Teodor]]
/ Until Christmas. Does it really matter if Todd's thrown away?
/ Doesn't he spend most of his time in the trash as it is? / [[Zoom back out so that both characters are in view as Teodor's posture slackens once more]]
/ Lyle: Well, it's just kind of rude to throw a guy away. Somethin' like this might remind him of how low he's sunk. / [[Teodor casts his eyes down and puts a hand to his chin]]
/ Teodor: Jesus, listen to me. Gettin' mistaken for shit in a wadded-up hoody is pretty sad. I'll go apologize to him
/ Lyle: Maybe give him a ten, show the guy you're still his bro. / [[Teodor's hands fly to his hips as Lyle storms off]]
/ Teodor: A ten? Wait, hold on—you guys are hustling me! You did a Roseanne in some sweatshirt and now you're tryin' to cash in on it!
/ Lyle: Aw, DAMMIT! I said a buck, maybe a fiver, but greedy goddamn Todd rated the con at a ten. That moron. / {alt text: Lyle's Christmas present is that Teodor forgives him for shitting in a phone book.} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07052006 |
| Achewood - July 5, 2006 | [[Lyle stands near the corner, bottle of whiskey in his hand. There is a significant stain on the carpet in the corner]]
/ Lyle: Hey! Where's the cabbage I farted by the J-Lo? / [[Teodor stands before Lyle, ever-so-slightly miffed with is hands on his hips]]
/ Teodor: It breathed like warm liquid. I reamed the tweezer hair and stuck it up
/ Lyle: Aw, crap. I was lettin' Todd crash in there / [[Teodor's posture slackens]]
/ Teodor: I threw Todd away?
/ Lyle: Probably. Did it seem kind of heavy? / [[Teodor's hands return to his hips]]
/ Teodor: Well...yeah, but I thought someone had used the thing as a toilet and left it in the hall.
/ It wouldn't be the first time. / [[Zoom in on Lyle]]
/ Lyle: That was a phone book, and I said I was sorry. How long you gonna carry that damn thing's torch. / [[Zoom in on Teodor]]
/ Until Christmas. Does it really matter if Todd's thrown away?
/ Doesn't he spend most of his time in the trash as it is? / [[Zoom back out so that both characters are in view as Teodor's posture slackens once more]]
/ Lyle: Well, it's just kind of rude to throw a guy away. Somethin' like this might remind him of how low he's sunk. / [[Teodor casts his eyes down and puts a hand to his chin]]
/ Teodor: Jesus, listen to me. Gettin' mistaken for shit in a wadded-up hoody is pretty sad. I'll go apologize to him
/ Lyle: Maybe give him a ten, show the guy you're still his bro. / [[Teodor's hands fly to his hips as Lyle storms off]]
/ Teodor: A ten? Wait, hold on—you guys are hustling me! You did a Roseanne in some sweatshirt and now you're tryin' to cash in on it!
/ Lyle: Aw, DAMMIT! I said a buck, maybe a fiver, but greedy goddamn Todd rated the con at a ten. That moron. / {alt text: Lyle's Christmas present is that Teodor forgives him for shitting in a phone book.} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07052006 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/?date=07052007">http://achewood.com/?date=07052007 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/?date=07062004">http://achewood.com/?date=07062004 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/?date=07062005">http://achewood.com/?date=07062005 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - July 6, 2007 | [[A page from Philippe's newspaper.]]
/ The Philippe Times.
/ Back Page Law Corner: If You Are Mad, That Is Not A Crime. Vol 9 No. 9 / Fig You Friday!
/ by Philippe, editor-in-chief?
/ WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP WAKING ME UP ALL NIGHT?!
/ [[Picture of an angry Philippe, with caption: "It has to stop!"]] / I'm mad! I'm mad as figs and I'm not going to take it anymore! Figs to you! Go sit on a fig! You'll wish you didn't! / ***FRIDAY FIG FACT 1***
/ The people next door moved out, and they were dropping furniture in the driveway until 1 AM! They didn't give a fig! / FACT 2
/ Chris went out and yelled and really "gave them a mouthful!" He said the actual F-word in every sentence! You might say he "sentenced them" "to the F-word!" / FACT 3
/ He was in his underpants. They are disguised as tiny plaid shorts, so cops will keep driving. Chris knows a few things about crime. / FACT 4
/ Lyle says that Chris can use the F-word as any part of speech, if he's tired enough and his bank account is low. / [[Picture of Ray and Philippe. Ray: "FREDERICK is CRAPPY!" Philippe: "Nooooo!" Caption: When some people get mad they can say up to one hundred things that they regret!]] / FACT 5
/ Wow! Mr. Bear says that last week Chris used the F-word as a "co-ordinating conjunction," which is really rare! His bank account must have been super low. / I asked ROAST BEEF if he was mad about anything, and he said, "Oh dang little fella I don't want to put the sauce in your ears." / *Is RAY mad about anything?*
/ **"N o p e!"** / Is LYLE mad about anything? YOu bet! He was trying to mail a postcard to a friend in England, and he got pretty steamed by how long their addresses are! Look: / Keith "Kez" Helpingsall
/ Place Gittins
/ Governance Pasture
/ Twine Ailment
/ 12, Uppings
/ Salute
/ Creamharrow
/ Lanx 1Y1 276
/ England / [[Picture of an Union Jack]] / A NOTE FROM THE BEEFERY:
/ I did not want to put sauce in his ears but dang if it all don't just piss me up mainly. / {{title text: Friday Recipe Korner: A spoonful of whiskey for every burden you shouldered in the name of getting the fuck by this week. }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07062007 |
| Achewood § July 6, 2009 | [[Ray enters the room and hands a piece of paper to Cornelius, who is sitting at his typewriter]]
/ Ray: Aight, doggy D. I got us a sample page from the Williams-Sonoma catalog. Think you can whip up some hot-ass love fiction around this junk?
/ Cornelius: I shall do my damndest to tease the nubbin from its sugar pea. / [[The sample page is as follows]]
/ A. Cabbage Corer: Customized to our specifications by a leading Eurasian manufacturer, this handy, freestanding unit will make short work of your next summertime slaw! $1,799
/ B. Manchego Obfuscator: Pliable, self-adhesive sheet looks like red wax and neatly disguises the unpleasant, "ethnic"-looking rind of Manchego cheese. (Pack of four, disposable) $35 / [[Cornelius begins typing, and continues for several panels]]
/ Subtitle: Before Long.
/ Cornelius' Story: Judi Wright-Branch, recently "deposed" CEO of ePay Networks, watched from her bedroom window as Carter Thayer III parked his shiny new BMW convertible in the circular drive of her Hillsborough manse. He was there to see if her daughter was home; she was not. She was spending the weekend with friends in Aspen.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07062009 |
| Achewood - July 7, 2003 | [[Heaven; Roast Beef is holding a box of ULTRA-MAX XXL Condoms, The longest condoms available anywhere]] / [[Roast Beef unrolls one of the condoms]] < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07072003 |
| Achewood - July 7, 2004 | [[Ray is making a sandwich. Little Nephew looks on. Both are in Goth garb.]]
/ Ray: I'm cookin' us up some salami sandwiches, cooked up real good!
/ Little Nephew: What on earth for. / Ray: In case we ain't got enough skeleton bones to eat down at the graveyard! Duh!
/ Ray: Oh, and I'm gonna bring some Sunny D in case there ain't enough blood to go 'round. / [[Little Nephew is leaving, lantern held high.]]
/ Little Nephew: You are SUCH a poseur, Uncle Ray.
/ Ray: Hey, that's Godfather of SOULS to you!
/ Ray: Heh heh! / Ray: A doo-da doo-da doo-da do! / [[Ray is now on the phone.]]
/ Ray: Say, Pat? Ray here. Shutup shutup. You got a number for that Nice Pete character? / [[SOON: Nice Pete is driving his van.]]
/ Nice Pete: Hello Ray this is Pete returning your call
/ Nice Pete: Sorry I didn't pick up but at the time I was cutting off one of my fingers on the Internet
/ Nice Pete: ... I'm sorry you missed it too I guess I had better get you on my mailing list http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07072004 |
| Achewood - July 7, 2005 | [[Vlad confronts Teodor at his place of residence with a clever new product]]
/ Teodor! 2005 Bible is out! Here is copy. Take. / There's a new version? / Take take take. You take. Take take. / Alright, alright already! Quit it. / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07072005 |
| Achewood - July 7, 2005 | [[Vlad is outsize Teodor's door, wielding a bible and duffel bag emblazened with a ><>. Teodor is wearing a roman crest hat.]]
/ Vlad: Teodor! 2005 Bible is out! Here is copy. Take. / Teodor: There's a new version? / Vlad: Take take take. You take. Take take.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07072005 |
| Achewood - July 7, 2006 | [[Roast Beef is sitting a table with a quesadilla on a plate and a fork.]]
/ Roast Beef: Man what would make this quesadilla really tasty is some dashes of hot sacue / Ray: Dude, let me hit that with a little of this new Doctor Lunatic "Assisted Suicide" habanero sauce I just got!
/ Roast Beef: Jesus Ray why don't you just throw my food away and mace my mouth / Ray: Mouth Mace! Daaamn! Maybe it's time we got into the hot sauce game! All you need is the right marketing, Beef. Seriously. / Roast Beef: All selling it in a canister with a belt clip
/ Roast Beef: Logo all an actual photo of a German Shepherd named Yard Dancer being destroyed by the county / Ray: Yeah! Yeah! Lots of hot sauces say they're extreme, but none really take you outside of your moral comfort zone!
/ Roast Beef: All coming with a DVD of those internet video clips where like third-world people explode dynamite under elephants
/ Roast Beef: Soundtrack all just "Yesterday" by the Beatles / Ray: No. / {{alt text: If your dog is named Yard Dancer, I think we owe *each other* apologies.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07072006 |
| Achewood - July 7, 2006 | [[Roast Beef is sitting a table with a quesadilla on a plate and a fork.]]
/ Roast Beef: Man what would make this quesadilla really tasty is some dashes of hot sacue / Ray: Dude, let me hit that with a little of this new Doctor Lunatic "Assisted Suicide" habanero sauce I just got!
/ Roast Beef: Jesus Ray why don't you just throw my food away and mace my mouth / Ray: Mouth Mace! Daaamn! Maybe it's time we got into the hot sauce game! All you need is the right marketing, Beef. Seriously. / Roast Beef: All selling it in a canister with a belt clip
/ Roast Beef: Logo all an actual photo of a German Shepherd named Yard Dancer being destroyed by the county / Ray: Yeah! Yeah! Lots of hot sauces say they're extreme, but none really take you outside of your moral comfort zone!
/ Roast Beef: All coming with a DVD of those internet video clips where like third-world people explode dynamite under elephants
/ Roast Beef: Soundtrack all just "Yesterday" by the Beatles / Ray: No. / {{alt text: If your dog is named Yard Dancer, I think we owe *each other* apologies.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07072006 |
| Achewood - July 7, 2006 | [[Roast Beef is sitting a table with a quesadilla on a plate and a fork.]]
/ Roast Beef: Man what would make this quesadilla really tasty is some dashes of hot sacue / Ray: Dude, let me hit that with a little of this new Doctor Lunatic "Assisted Suicide" habanero sauce I just got!
/ Roast Beef: Jesus Ray why don't you just throw my food away and mace my mouth / Ray: Mouth Mace! Daaamn! Maybe it's time we got into the hot sauce game! All you need is the right marketing, Beef. Seriously. / Roast Beef: All selling it in a canister with a belt clip
/ Roast Beef: Logo all an actual photo of a German Shepherd named Yard Dancer being destroyed by the county / Ray: Yeah! Yeah! Lots of hot sauces say they're extreme, but none really take you outside of your moral comfort zone!
/ Roast Beef: All coming with a DVD of those internet video clips where like third-world people explode dynamite under elephants
/ Roast Beef: Soundtrack all just "Yesterday" by the Beatles / Ray: No. / {{alt text: If your dog is named Yard Dancer, I think we owe *each other* apologies.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07072006 |
| Achewood - July 7, 2008 | {{TITLE: Flop Sweat.}}
/ {{ALT TEXT: Beef's last dash for the Nate Small luncheon.}} / [[Outside Mark the Barber. No characters are visible. Roast Beef VO]]
/ Roast Beef: Alright yeah uh just a good combed haircut for a wedding and nothin' that takes blow dryers or costly sarganthums / [[Roast Beef, sporting a slick new haircut]]
/ Roast Beef (thinking): Okay then for my final act as just this one dude I am gonna get a hot fresh-cooked hamburger at a lunch counter all on my lonesome
/ No fries to slow me down / [[LABEL: OUTSIDE THE REHEARSAL DINNER, 4TH OF JULY.]]
/ Roast Beef: Baby I am really sorry I been a dong in the main all week I mean you give me a map and point to a spot and I can find a way to get there and let you down
/ Molly: Baby, if the rest of our lives are anything like this week, I'm going to beat my mother with a mittelschmerz-inducing clyster. / [[LABEL: AFTER THE ENTRÉE. Ray stands up and dings his glass for attention. He is producing a small card from his pocket.]]
/ Ray: Ahem... everybody, about a year ago I wrote this speech for my oldest friend Roast Beef. I tucked it away in my coat just for tonight. / [[LABEL: (PREVIOUSLY)]]
/ Ray, typing on computer, beside wine bottle: Ahem... my boy Roast Beef is a crazy man with a long penis [pause for laughs]
/ Seriously, folks. If it wasn't for this dude I would have been the longest guy in the high school shower. He's all to coach, "Can I uh get an extra towel, please?" [more laughter, applause] / [[Panel split into four. Top left, Ray looking at his written speech in shock. Remainder of panels are Ray's mother, Molly's father and Philippe waiting expectantly for Ray to talk]] / [[Ray, improvising]]
/ Ray: Uh... it's like... Beef... Beef is a good guy. A GOOD guy. Not the best, but then, you don't want that, because if he WAS he'd probably commit suicide in such a way that doctors could harvest all his organs and his skin. / [[Roast Beef and Molly with puzzled reactions. Ray's 'speech' continues]]
/ Ray: You... you know. Like, planned, with a note. Like that genius kid in the New Yorker article a little while back. I read part of it in Beef's bathroom once. Hella long. Beef is real, REAL smart. / [[Back to Ray. He is sweating profusely]]
/ Ray: In closing, I guess that's why he's marryin' you, Molly. So he'll have someone to pick up the magazines off the bathroom floor! Just kiddin', girl. Much love to you two. Thank you. / [[Another panel split into four. Top left, Ray rips his speech in half, shaking with anger. Top right, Ray's mother, shocked. Bottom left, Molly's father, angry. Bottom right, Philippe, asleep.]]
/ Ray: SHIT! / [[LABEL: MEANWHILE. Téodor, sweating like a man who has just realised his wedding speech is almost wholly inappropriate, is tapping furiously at his computer.]]
/ Téodor (typing): 10:00:00am - Freeze tongs and bowl for tossing iceberg salad.
/ 10:00:15am - Set up online Kodak gallery so guests can buy photos on wireless foyer laptops before end of reception
/ 10:02:00am - Skim reheated stew / [[LABEL: EVEN FURTHER AFIELD. Rod Huggins and Pat in scene. Rod is holding a shirt, whilst Pat is angry and facing away from Rod.]]
/ Rod: Sugar snacks, this is Tommy Bahama. It cost two hundred dollars. It is one hundred percent acceptable attire for a summertime outdoor wedding. Get over yourself. And I need to shave your nape before we go anywhere. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07072008 |
| Achewood - July 8, 2002 | [[Wall-mounted telephone.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07082002 |
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