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| Achewood - May 28, 2004 | Uncle Culpepper: Good morning, young 'suh! My name is Marion Adonis Culpepper, and I believe we are of relation. / Little Nephew: What's up, Yankee Doodle. / Uncle Culpepper: Forsooth! How dare you besmirch me with that GRIEVOUS appellation! / [[Uncle Culpepper shrugs off his coat]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05282004 |
| Achewood - May 29, 2002 | [[We see a scan of a line of dialogue.]]
/ Narrator: THE MAKING OF AN ACHEWOOD CARTOON STRIP
/ Narrator: featuring 01/10/2002: "Talkin' Dirty"
/ [[The line reads "Do you think you can hang with the dirtiest dudes in town?]]
/ Narrator: ... the precious genesis begins as a single thought / [[We see a scan of Teodor, hand-drawn, saying something that has been censored.]]
/ Narrator: Posture, dialogue and timing are "blocked" on paper / [[Teodor, in the final Illustrator-created panel, says the censored line to Pat, Roast Beef, and Ray.]]
/ Narrator: In the completed illustration, the protagonist says the dirtiest thing he can think of. It shocks these cats. / {{title text: There are hundreds of original doodles for sale}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05292002 |
| Recipe of the Month Club | [[Roast Beef is holding a box.]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh cool my Recipe of the Month membership finally kicked in / I wonder what they sent / Roast Beef: Oh awesome / Coq au vin / This is gonna be awesome / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05292003 |
| Recipe of the Month Club | [[Roast Beef is holding a box.]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh cool my Recipe of the Month membership finally kicked in
/ Roast Beef: I wonder what they sent / Roast Beef: Oh awesome
/ Roast Beef: Coq au vin
/ Roast Beef: This is gonna be awesome / [[A box sits on a table, shaking]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05292003 |
| Achewood - May 29, 2007 | [[Ray reflecting on Roast Beef's impending proposal.]]
/ Ray, thinking: You know what? He's gonna go through with this. Time to get started on some wedding toast action. / [[Ray pouring himself a drink.]]
/ Ray, thinking: I got to make this special. Glenfiddich, bring out the passion in the man. Fill up my fountain pen with the burnin' flavor of love. / [[LATER THAT EVENING]]
/ [[Ray is sitting in front of a computer, with the glass and the liquor bottle by his side, ready to type out his speech.]]
/ Ray: Heh heh! Daaaamn, I got it! Do it straight-up Carlin! Ain't go sappy...bring the house down! / [[Ray and bottle seen in the bottom right corner of panel, typing.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05292007 |
| Martha Stewart Weddings | [[In Roast Beef's hand: "martha stewart weddings" magazine. "la vie en rose... - classic cakes - choosing your dress - something borrowed..."]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh dang what's this / Roast Beef [[thinking]]: Jiminy Hendrix man these dresses must cost a hundred, two hundred clams in certain cases / Roast Beef [[reading aloud]]: "This Vera Wang strapless Versailles gown with raw-edged bias duchesse ribbon retails for $13,500." "Although bridal gown prices can be as low as $2,000 we would never recommend..."
/ [[RB's jaw drops.]] / Roast Beef [[thinking]]: Man we ain't got enough scratch to get Molly a lovely dress on the day of her life when she should feel like the prettiest woman in the entire world! / Roast Beef [[thinking]]: I am a TERRIBLE man and this magazine proves my TERRIBLENESS and I had NO business askin' that poor girl to marry me cause I got NO station in this world and I am ONLY holdin' her back / Roast Beef [[thinking]]: There ought to be a prison for dudes who think they can make some happiness in this life / [[He ponders.]] / Roast Beef [[thinking]]: Oh damn listen to me all falling for this wicked bill of goods man this magazine is just a product and a wedding is just a product and it's ALL JUST A SHAM! / [[SOON.]]
/ [[RB at the computer.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05292008 |
| Martha Stewart Weddings | [[In Roast Beef's hand: "martha stewart weddings" magazine. "la vie en rose... - classic cakes - choosing your dress - something borrowed..."]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh dang what's this / Roast Beef [[thinking]]: Jiminy Hendrix man these dresses must cost a hundred, two hundred clams in certain cases / Roast Beef [[reading aloud]]: "This Vera Wang strapless Versailles gown with raw-edged bias duchesse ribbon retails for $13,500." "Although bridal gown prices can be as low as $2,000 we would never recommend..."
/ [[RB's jaw drops.]] / Roast Beef [[thinking]]: Man we ain't got enough scratch to get Molly a lovely dress on the day of her life when she should feel like the prettiest woman in the entire world! / Roast Beef [[thinking]]: I am a TERRIBLE man and this magazine proves my TERRIBLENESS and I had NO business askin' that poor girl to marry me cause I got NO station in this world and I am ONLY holdin' her back / Roast Beef [[thinking]]: There ought to be a prison for dudes who think they can make some happiness in this life / [[He ponders.]] / Roast Beef [[thinking]]: Oh damn listen to me all falling for this wicked bill of goods man this magazine is just a product and a wedding is just a product and it's ALL JUST A SHAM! / [[SOON.]]
/ [[RB at the computer.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05292008 |
| Achewood - May 30, 2002 | [[Mr. Bear stands over Lyle while he drawing something]]
/ Mr. Bear: Lyle! You know calligraphy! That's quite impressive!
/ Lyle: Hey! Get lost! Go to hell! / Mr. Bear: The art of elegant handwriting is nothing to be ashamed of, Lyle! One can make quite a good living that way!
/ Lyle: Really? / [[Mr. Bear looks at the logo for Liquid Banjo that Lyle was working on.]]
/ Mr. Bear: Absolutely! Mmm-hmmmm! And this looks to be commercial-quality work right here! / Lyle: Aw, I'm just pretendin' to have my own brand of whiskey...you know? / {{Alt Text: Mr. Bear tries to play chess with Todd but Todd has a cocaine problem - TOMORROW!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05302002 |
| Achewood - May 30, 2003 | [[Lie Bot is standing inside a fake television]]
/ Lie Bot: Alright everybody! It's time to see my ass! / [[Lyle and Teodor sit on the couch, looking somewhat annoyed]]
/ Lye: NO WAY MAN
/ Teodor: BOO TO THAT / [[Cut back to Lie Bot]]
/ Lie Bot: How do you know that a robot's ass is bad?
/ [[From off screen]]
/ Teodor: IT MUST BE
/ Lyle: WHY FIND OUT / [[Lie Bot bends over in the television and moons Lyle and Teodor]]
/ Lie Bot: It just looks like this http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05302003 |
| Achewood - May 30, 2006 | [[Ray, Teodor, and Roast Beef discuss the cantilevered penis weight underwear phenomenon in the pool house.]]
/ Ray: Gentlemen, we must share our discovery with the world. It is in the spirit of the highest good. / Roast Beef: But I fear the world is not ready to accept the necessary apparel / Teodor: And remember, the world is designed to function around suffering. If we took away suffering, the world's economies would collapse. Total system failure; chaos. Most jobs would simply be abandoned. / [[Teodor gestures to the underwear.]]
/ Teodor: What we have here is a dangerous, terrible secret.
/ Roast Beef: We have discovered the means to the end of life as we know it / Ray: We must make the ultimate saacrifice, then: our own enlightenment. We must destroy this technology. / Ray: Better that three men lead ordinary lives than the world come to an end.
/ Teodor: Wait. We mustn't destroy them - we must hide them in an unfindable place. / Roast Beef: Inside the housing of a large table saw / Ray: No. You're saying that because you want to be discovered. You still have ego. You want recognition. / [[Teodor looks angry]]
/ Teodor: Don't tell me my motives! How dare you! You've been incidental here, Ray! / [[Teodor runs away from the pool house, still wearing the underwear and looking angry.]]
/ Ray: Teodor! Nooo! / {{Trouble in the Pool House of Good and Evil}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05302006 |
| Achewood - May 30, 2007 | [[Night. Roast Beef is walking alone, wearing a black sweat shirt.]]
/ Roast Beef (thinking): Man enough of all this chitchat I got to lose myself in some won ton Go hit Chevy Ford Wo's for some of the classic old stuff / [[Outside of Chevy Ford Wo's. A few silhouetted figures can be seen through the store front window. We hear the dialogue from offpanel.]]
/ Chevy Ford Wo: Hey stoopet! Yoo wan' sum food to-day?
/ Roast Beef: Yeah uh hey Chevy gonna go family-size on some won ton I got a lot of thinkin' to do / [[Inside of the restaurant. Beef is reading the menu as Chevy is taking his order.]]
/ Chevy Ford Wo: Regala stoopet, o sum big stuupet tis taiym?
/ Roast Beef: Talkin' about a ring and a lady maybe dude
/ Chevy Ford Wo: Yooo fuckface, no way! Tat lady Mollee? / Roast Beef: Oh uh yeah wow you remember her?
/ Chevy Ford Wo: I no got haf-hitch fo a brrain! Tat lady in hea two day ago, try buy you kitchin lessan!
/ Roast Beef: Jesus christ that's right I said I wished I could cook up some basic Chinese at home / [[Close-up of Chevy Ford Wo]]
/ Chevy Ford Wo: Sum lady like tat, yoo make a comitmen! Tat lady have yoo back when you sixee-foh an yoo butt fall off! Keep yoo from eat a dog food in a sewer! No to menshin plus side of life! / [[SOON AFTER.]]
/ [[Close-up of Roast Beef holding the fortune from his fortune cookie. The fortune reads: The lady is the mountain behind the tiny flaming fishing cabin of the man.]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05302007 |
| A Look Inside...Roast Beef Weddings | [[Inside Roast Beef's wedding magazine.]]
/ roast beef's wedding manners 101 / [["ON HUGGING OTHER MEN - Men in neckties do not wish to be hugged. Men in turtlenecks expect hugs at each encounter, no matter how trivial. Men in fezzes are unpredictable, and may be at your wedding for reasons that are unclear to you. An understated, respectful nod will be appreciated but go unacknowledged. Move on."]] / [[Roast Beef sees a man with a fez and dark glasses and nods. The man looks, then turns away.]] / Man (thinks): That guy, he is already. Maybe. / [[He turns again.]] / Man (thinks): Maybe. / [["THE RECEPTION DINNER - Your usual excuse for getting up from the dinner table: "Sorry guys, I got to drain the meat dildo." The manners excuse for getting up: "I have to spend an equal amount of time with both sets of my grandparents, even though I have never been able to make conversation with the ones at able three."]] / [[A table with Ray, Molly, and Roast Beef. Beef has stood up.]]
/ Roast Beef: ...with the ones at table three
/ Ray: Don't break the seal, dogg! Don't break the... wait, what? / [["GUESTS WHO IGNORE YOUR GIFT REGISTRY"]] / INCORRECT.
/ Roast Beef: Hey all right! Boutiquey picture frames with wire and plastic crap glued to the edge! I always wondered if you might be insane! / CORRECT.
/ Roast Beef: You know what would be perfect in here? A picture of YOU! / {{Alt text: Every married man has a boutiqey something in a box on a shelf in his garage.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05302008 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05302009">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05302009 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - May 31, 2002 | [[Ray is leaning in from the left of the panel, in shirt and tie. Roast Beef is alsoin shirt and tie, but is seated at a computer, looking at ray in a concerned manner.]]
/ Ray: Roast Beef, could you come into my office? / {{single panel}}
/ {{alt text: On Monday the author is laid off for real}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05312002 |
| Achewood - May 31, 2002 | [[Ray is leaning in from the left of the panel, in shirt and tie. Roast Beef is also in shirt and tie, but is seated at a computer, looking at Ray in a concerned manner.]]
/ Ray: Roast Beef, could you come into my office? / {{single panel}}
/ {{alt text: On Monday the author is laid off for real}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05312002 |
| Achewood - May 31, 2005 | {{Beef, driving the Volvo of Despair, is calling Molly to have her prove her true love for him by jumping off a cliff. This is at the suggestion of a face imprinted in the passenger seat (Mr. Stiller) by Ray's tush.}}
/ [[Molly is at home, on the telephone]]
/ Molly: Hey Beef? This is Molly! Listen, Kelly and I are gonna go out for drinks after work!
/ Molly: I'll call you later, okay? / [[Outside the Volvo of Despair, Beef seen through the windshield, on his cell phone]]
/ Roast Beef: Molly I need you to prove--
/ Molly: Owp, she's here! Love you sweetie!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05312005 |
| Page from Beef's Zine | [[A sneak preview of Roast Beef's upcoming 'zine, "MAN WHY YOU EVEN GOT TO DO A THING"]]
/ [[The Definitive Interview: Ray Smuckles]]
/ Roast Beef: In his role as a friend of mine, Ray agreed to do an interview for Man Why You Even Got To Do A Thing. This interview was conducted on May 6, 2006, at my place, which is his pool house.
/ Roast Beef: So how are you doing Ray. Are you having a good time.
/ Ray: Man, don't ask me that. I ain't even sat down. You got any grenadine?
/ Roast Beef: Interesting. Let's talk about this. Did your mother have any grenadine, or was that mainly your father's obligation? Because you seem to feel entitled to grenadine.
/ Ray: Ha ha, motherfucker. Listen, I got to fruit up this Bullshit Sunrise because you have set up the most baloney mini-bar of all time.
/ Roast Beef: So what you're saying is that you cannot make a proper Tequila Sunrise because I only have a small airplane bottle of Cuervo and a packet of Sunny Delight orange guice drink concentrate on the end table by your chair. You're saying things like "Bullshit Sunrise."
/ Ray: Damn straight! I got like 50cl of bad tequila here, a paper cup, and some powdered Tang or whatever, and this is how you treat a guest? Man, I know you know better than this, dogg. You know how to set up a basic decency bar. You're just tryin' to piss me off. You got a game plan, here.
/ Roast Beef: Well, maybe I do. Let's see.
/ Ray: [waits]
/ Roast Beef: Interesting. You're waiting to see if, for no reason, something exciting will happen. You grew up wealthy, is that correct?
/ Ray: I'm waiting for you to make this worth my while. Most any dude in the game would know to get his subject juiced so that he'll talk.
/ Roast Beef: So you want to get drunk and talk about yourself. Hold on, I'm writing this down.
/ Ray: It's your show, man. I'm just tellin' you.
/ Roast Beef: There have been ideas, in the public, that you like hop-hip music.
/ Ray: Man, don't be stupid [sips from Bullshit Sunrise cocktail]. Hip-hop is here to stay.
/ Roast Beef: What does that mean, "here to stay."
/ Ray: It means that kids will always play these records, man! Hip hop is the streets!
/ Roast Beef: Yes, we often hear about this, this hard life and bad scene. How come people who have a bad life sing so many songs? Is it from the slave tradition? You almost never hear of plantation owners coming up with wonderful, original music. Wasn't the only music ever written by a plantation owner, "chopsticks"?
/ [[Continues...]] / {{alt text: Page from Man Why You Even Got To Do A Thing}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05312006 |
| Achewood - May 31, 2007 | [[Roast Beef, wearing a black zipper sweatshirt and staring blankly downward, is walking at night.]]
/ Roast Beef, thought: Man these wise old crudgens got some points / [[The scene zooms out to reveal a lonely, lamp-lit street with a flat horizon and Beef on the sidewalk.]]
/ Roast Beef, thought: Smart to pair off so you got a support system when somebody's pelvis turns to Wedgwood or a mind goes soft or you just need to get out of a place / [[Close-up.]]
/ Roast Beef, thought: Sad future wheelchair times aside though maybe it's cause you need that bump of ceremony and witnesses to help you not just shove all your favorite hats in a duffel and drive away givin' the finger the first time somebody forgets to pay the water bill for the eighth time / [[Close-up.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05312007 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05312010">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05312010 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - June 1, 2004 | [[The telephone rings]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06012004 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/?date=06012005">http://achewood.com/?date=06012005 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - June 1, 2006 | {{Title text: Page two of Roast Beef's upcoming 'zine interview with Ray. Magic underpants narrative returns Friday.}} / RAY: [looks at drink, shakes head] This is no way to treat a man. What did you say? / ME: I said that growing up wealthy, you probably should not listen to and promote music that is about a rough life, because it seems insincere. Like you just want money, or that you think poor people are hilarious. / RAY: You sayin' I ain't legit? Let's remember who gave who a tiny bottle of Cuervo and some damn sugar powder. / ME: I'm glad you mention that, this "legit" concept. What does that mean? From what I see, "legit" means you have a big hat and fake teeth. Do all rappers take their inspiration from wanting to be like George Washington, the founding father of our country and first President? / [[Inline images of George Washington and Flavor Flav.]] / RAY: No, almost none. There are these players outta Boston, callin' themselves TriQuorn, 'cause they wear those tri-corn hats like from old times, but mainly they do it out of -- hey, man. I got no business tellin' you this. I'm still in talks with these guys. / ME: What kind of leggings. / RAY: What? / ME: What kind of leggings do they wear. Silk breeches and all that? / RAY: They wear Diesel. It's not like a historical rapping society or anything, they just have the hats, with red bandannas tied real tight underneath. / [[Inline image illustrating "How Ray Talks:" first, his mouth is closed, then his mouth is shown open.]] / ME: If they don't rap about history, aren't they doomed to repeat it? / RAY: I don't even know what you're on about. Let's change the subject. / ME: Okay, good. I have another subject. Do you want to know what it is? / RAY: Getting me a real drink now that I've gotten this one past the gatekeeper? / ME: Oh, all right. I will get you buzzed so you can talk about yourself. [leaves, returns with three MGDs hanging from the yoke] / RAY: These ain't even cold, and plus MGD is VERY terrible. / ME: You just drank a shot of Cuervo with Sunny Delight concentrate in it. How can you judge this beer now. / RAY: [accepts a beer] Jsut sayin'. So anyhow, what else did you want to cover? I write a lot of music, guide a lot of small businesses, paint... [sips] / ME: Do you like to cook. / RAY: Of COURSE I like to cook! Next question! / ME: Actually I think we're about out of time. / RAY: Okay, cool. You want to shoot some pool or something? / ME: Oh nice let's go. / RAY: [walks out of room] This interview is ovah'. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06012006 |
| Achewood - June 1, 2007 | [[Ray sits alone at a computer, talking on a cordless phone.]]
/ Ray: Yo, T! Beef's proposin' to Molly! / Ray: No, not yet. But we kind of had a little talk. You could see the dude steel up. He knew it was time. / [[Ray leans back and rocks the chair.]]
/ Ray: Seriously man. Four years, dude. They had their downs. They had their move-outs and ugly public fights. Those cats are cosmic like end of days. Time to execute! / Ray: Heh, no kiddin'. So, I'm tryin' to plan a honeymoon they'd like, but I got a bad case of player's block.
/ No, no medicine been discovered. Not yet. I give, but they're years away. / Ray: Well, like, you know Beef. He gonna feel like an egg in a bag in Monaco or Antibes. / [[Teodor is alone, talking on the phone.]]
/ Teodor: How about an RV and an all-expenses-paid minigolf tour of the fifty states? / [[Ray reaches for his wallet.]]
/ Ray: Damn. Wow. If you put Sodium Pentothal under Beef's eyelids and electrocuted him pretty hard, he'd ask for exactly that.
/ Catch you later. Lookin' for my wallet. / {{alt text: The RV fridge would be stocked with unusable KY jelly}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06012007 |
| Achewood - June 1, 2007 | [[Ray sits alone at a computer, talking on a cordless phone.]]
/ Ray: Yo, T! Beef's proposin' to Molly! / Ray: No, not yet. But we kind of had a little talk. You could see the dude steel up. He knew it was time. / [[Ray leans back and rocks the chair.]]
/ Ray: Seriously man. Four years, dude. They had their downs. They had their move-outs and ugly public fights. Those cats are cosmic like end of days. Time to execute! / Ray: Heh, no kiddin'. So, I'm tryin' to plan a honeymoon they'd like, but I got a bad case of player's block.
/ No, no medicine been discovered. Not yet. I give, but they're years away. / Ray: Well, like, you know Beef. He gonna feel like an egg in a bag in Monaco or Antibes. / [[Cut to Teodor talking on the phone.]]
/ Teodor: How about an RV and an all-expenses-paid minigolf tour of the fifty states? / [[Ray reaches for his wallet.]]
/ Ray: Damn. Wow. If you put Sodium Pentothal under Beef's eyelids and electrocuted him pretty hard, he'd ask for exactly that.
/ Catch you later. Lookin' for my wallet. / {{alt text: The RV fridge would be stocked with unusable KY jelly}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06012007 |
| Achewood - June 2, 2003 | Philippe: Lie Bot, what is the saddest thing?
/ Lie Bot: Philippe, Philippe, Philippe. / Lie Bot: The saddest thing is a little girl who is told by her own mother and father that she will never be pretty. / [[Lie Bot pauses. Philippe is distraught.]] / Lie Bot: And then they open the front door, and on the porch is a little white suitcase, with all of her things in it.
/ Philippe: Nooo! / {{Alt: they have this conversation across an empty breakfast table}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06022003 |
| Achewood - June 2, 2004 | [[Ray is on the telephone]]
/ Ray: Hey Beef! You seen Uncle Culpepper around? He didn't come home last night! / [[Roast Beef is in a room with the shades pulled, on the telephone]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh uh yeah man you ain't gonna believe this but I saw him carryin' on with Tina last night dogg
/ Ray: What? Don't lie to me, just tell me if you saw him or not-I'm worried! He has a Condition! / Roast Beef: Serious Times dogg I was over kickin' it with Emeril and Spongebath when those two stumbled by all juiced on the stuff
/ Ray: Dang, Emeril and Spongebath live in the same building as Tina! / [[Ray is outside with Emeril and Spongebath]]
/ Ray: Hey dudes! Did you see Tina walkin' around here with an old man last night? / [[Emeril looks at Spongebath]] / Emeril: Spongebath saw'n am-bu-lance what come deep in the night-time adn take they both from this place. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06022004 |
| Achewood - June 2, 2006 | [[Ray and Roast Beef are wearing their metal weighted underwear.]]
/ Roast Beef: Dogg what got into him this is some black beans Ray what we gonna do? / Ray: I have a strong suspicion that his slip into aggression is due to a miscalibrated frontweight. What did you use? / Roast Beef: I made his weight outta my Sir Tim Berners-Lee fridge magnet dogg it was exactly 2.5 ounces I checked it on the scale I checked it on the scale! / Ray: My god, man. It must have been picking up paper clips and things this whole time. He's only going to go more insane as it keeps adding weight. / Ray: We've got to stop him.
/ Roast Beef: Man how could I be so stupid
/ Roast Beef: I'll call over to his place
/ [[Roast Beef dials the phone in his metal underwear.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06022006 |
| Achewood - June 2, 2006 | [[Ray and Roast Beef are wearing their metal weighted underwear.]]
/ Roast Beef: Dogg what got into him this is some black beans Ray what we gonna do? / Ray: I have a strong suspicion that his slip into aggression is due to a miscalibrated frontweight. What did you use? / Roast Beef: I made his weight outta my Sir Tim Berners-Lee fridge magnet dogg it was exactly 2.5 ounces I checked it on the scale I checked it on the scale! / Ray: My god, man. It must have been picking up paper clips and things this whole time. He's only going to go more insane as it keeps adding weight. / Ray: We've got to stop him.
/ Roast Beef: Man how could I be so stupid
/ Roast Beef: I'll call over to his place
/ [[Roast Beef dials the phone in his metal underwear.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06022006 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06022009">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06022009 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Your teeth seem sharp | [[Ray peeks in from the corner of the panel at Beef, who is at the computer]]
/ Ray: Roast Beef, could you come into my office?
/ Roast Beef: okay / Ray: Listen, Beef. There's no easy way to say this... / Ray: ...but you're leaving the company.
/ [[Roast Beef starts]]
/ Roast Beef: I am? / Ray: Sorry, Beef. After the Philippe contract fell through, we were forced to make some pretty tough cutbacks.
/ Roast Beef: But I'm the only other person in this company Ray / Ray: I can't offer you any severance, but I did make you a mix tape. Here you go.
/ [[Ray hands a tape to Roast Beef, who sadly reaches out to take it]] / [[Later, Roast Beef is listening with headphones]]
/ Headphones: DEAR ROAST BEEF
/ Headphones: AS YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THIS IS NOT ACTUALLY A MIX TAPE
/ Headphones: IT IS JUST ME TALKING ONTO A REGULAR TAPE
/ Headphones: I COULD NOT FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET THE CD'S TO PLAY ONTO THE TAPE PLAYER
/ Headphones: I AM SORRY ABOUT THIS ROAST BEEF / {{alt text: I was like, maybe now I can get a small dog or puppy?}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06032002 |
| Your teeth seem sharp | [[Ray peeks in from the corner of the panel at Beef, who is at the computer]]
/ Ray: Roast Beef, could you come into my office?
/ Roast Beef: okay / Ray: Listen, Beef. There's no easy way to say this... / Ray: ...but you're leaving the company.
/ [[Roast Beef starts]]
/ Roast Beef: I am? / Ray: Sorry, Beef. After the Philippe contract fell through, we were forced to make some pretty tough cutbacks.
/ Roast Beef: But I'm the only other person in this company Ray / Ray: I can't offer you any severance, but I did make you a mix tape. Here you go.
/ [[Ray hands a tape to Roast Beef, who sadly reaches out to take it]] / [[Later, Roast Beef is listening with headphones]]
/ Headphones: DEAR ROAST BEEF
/ Headphones: AS YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THIS IS NOT ACTUALLY A MIX TAPE
/ Headphones: IT IS JUST ME TALKING ONTO A REGULAR TAPE
/ Headphones: I COULD NOT FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET THE CD'S TO PLAY ONTO THE TAPE PLAYER
/ Headphones: I AM SORRY ABOUT THIS ROAST BEEF / {{alt text: I was like, maybe now I can get a small dog or puppy?}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06032002 |
| Achewood - June 3, 2003 | [Ray looks in alarm at a CD] / Ray: Oh, no WAY is he playin' this heavy metal bull-crap in MY house! / [CD reads: Hyddyn Sceptyre - into the Graemlin's abyss] / Ray: Little Nephew, I'm takin' Hyddyn Sceptyre away. / Little Nephew: You can't do that! I'll just get another one! / Ray [thinking]: Hm. Maybe if I act like I'm into it, he'll think it's not cool anymore! / Ray: I just want to make a copy! I listened to mine so much I wore it out! / Little Nephew: You know Sceptyre, Uncle Ray? / Ray: Heh! Back in my party days, I used to hide MY Sceptyre to these tunes! Know what I'm sayin'? / Ray: Heh heh! Sweat all runnin' down Uncle Ray's back, Sceptyre all cranked to the max! Whew! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06032003 |
| Achewood - June 3, 2003 | [Ray looks in alarm at a CD] / Ray: Oh, no WAY is he playin' this heavy metal bull-crap in MY house! / [CD reads: Hyddyn Sceptyre - into the Graemlin's abyss] / Ray: Little Nephew, I'm takin' Hyddyn Sceptyre away. / Little Nephew: You can't do that! I'll just get another one! / Ray [thinking]: Hm. Maybe if I act like I'm into it, he'll think it's not cool anymore! / Ray: I just want to make a copy! I listened to mine so much I wore it out! / Little Nephew: You know Sceptyre, Uncle Ray? / Ray: Heh! Back in my party days, I used to hide MY Sceptyre to these tunes! Know what I'm sayin'? / Ray: Heh heh! Sweat all runnin' down Uncle Ray's back, Sceptyre all cranked to the max! Whew! / [[Little Nephew does not look terribly enthusiastic about learning this information]] / {{THE DEMONS AND ELVES MADE DARK LOVE TO THE WITCHES AND THUS WERE THEIR SCEPTYRES HIDDEN}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06032003 |
| Achewood - June 3, 2004 | [[Roast Beef is in a room with the shades pulled, on the phone]]
/ Roast Beef: Hey Emeril dogg did Ray just swing by there all in a huff
/ Emeril: He were much aggry-vated and we did send him to Hospital yes / Roast Beef: Dang was he really that freaked out by Tina jamming his uncle?!
/ Emeril: He did grab hine heart and make terrible oaths upon it / Roast Beef: I got to get to the hospital and see if he's okay!
/ Roast Beef: Man, he might really be off his halves! / MEANWHILE.
/ [[At the emergency room]]
/ Ray: That chickenhead swallowed a Domino's Crazy Stix down the wrong pipe? That's all this is?! / Uncle Culpepper: Nephew! How dare you impugn Miss Tina's honor while even now she lies in repose!
/ Uncle Culpepper: Draw your weapon at once! I demand my Satisfaction! / [[Roast Beef runs through the emergency room door]] / [[Roast Beef is shot]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06032004 |
| Achewood - June 3, 2004 | [[Roast Beef is in a room with the shades pulled, on the phone]]
/ Roast Beef: Hey Emeril dogg did Ray just swing by there all in a huff
/ Emeril: He were much aggry-vated and we did send him to Hospital yes / Roast Beef: Dang was he really that freaked out by Tina jamming his uncle?!
/ Emeril: He did grab hine heart and make terrible oaths upon it / Roast Beef: I got to get to the hospital and see if he's okay!
/ Roast Beef: Man, he might really be off his halves! / MEANWHILE.
/ [[At the emergency room]]
/ Ray: That chickenhead swallowed a Domino's Crazy Stix down the wrong pipe? That's all this is?! / Uncle Culpepper: Nephew! How dare you impugn Miss Tina's honor while even now she lies in repose!
/ Uncle Culpepper: Draw your weapon at once! I demand my Satisfaction! / [[Roast Beef runs through the emergency room door]] / [[Roast Beef is shot throught the chest, with comical X's for eyes and all]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06032004 |
| Achewood - June 3, 2004 | [[Roast Beef is in a room with the shades pulled, on the phone]]
/ Roast Beef: Hey Emeril dogg did Ray just swing by there all in a huff
/ Emeril: He were much aggry-vated and we did send him to Hospital yes / Roast Beef: Dang was he really that freaked out by Tina jamming his uncle?!
/ Emeril: He did grab hine heart and make terrible oaths upon it / [[Roast Beef thinking]]
/ Roast Beef: I got to get to the hospital and see if he's okay!
/ Roast Beef: Man, he might really be off his halves! / MEANWHILE.
/ [[At the emergency room]]
/ Ray: That chickenhead swallowed a Domino's Crazy Stix down the wrong pipe? That's all this is?! / Uncle Culpepper: Nephew! How dare you impugn Miss Tina's honor while even now she lies in repose!
/ Uncle Culpepper: Draw your weapon at once! I demand my Satisfaction! / [[Roast Beef runs through the emergency room door]] / [[Roast Beef is shot]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06032004 |
| Achewood - June 3, 2005 | {{Ray dropped his medallion in the Volvo of Despair. It has hell of properties, perhaps enough to save Beef (who is still trapped in the Volvo) although Mr. Bear is skeptical.}}
/ [[Ray and Mr. Bear arguing outside]]
/ Ray: Fine, then! Don't be any help at all! BE completely a dick! / [[Ray is on the cell phone, waiting for Beef to pick up]] / Ray: Yo Beef! Hey, man. Yo: did I, like, completely leave my medallion in the Volvo? / [[Ray listens]] / [[Back view]]
/ Ray: Phew! Oh, good. Good, man. RELIEF. Jesus. / [[Front view]]
/ Ray: Listen, would you do me a big favor and put it around your neck for safekeeping? / Ray: No, I'd really feel better if you wore it. It might fall out if you put it in your pocket. / Ray: Cool. Thanks, man. You got it around your neck now? / [[Ray smiles.]] / Ray [[Satisfied expression]]: Feels kinda nice, huh? Yeah, it's got a real good weight to it! / [[Back view]]
/ Ray: Heh! Yeah, it IS kind of like there's a party around your neck, and everyone within reason is invited! / [[Front view. Ray seems just a little distressed.]]
/ Ray: I...hold on, what? / Ray: Okay, uh huh, right. I, uh...Ray loves you too. / Ray: Uh, no, I guess we don't say it enough. / Ray [[definitely not feeling very good about this scene]]: Well, that's the thing. I think promising to say it every day is kind of too much, you know?
/ Ray: It would be like if the Queen woke you up every morning. Too Special. / {{alt-text: After a while it would just be like Hey come on there is so much pressure to look really decent}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06032005 |
| Wedding Menu | [[Molly and Téodor are walking or something.]]
/ Téodor: Okay, so for the wedding menu -- did you guys have anything in mind?
/ Molly: Well, you know Beef's greek, so-- / Téodor: --so he wants to drink wine that taste like it got to third base with a schnauzer?
/ Molly: You've had restina? He made me try it when his uncle came to visit. / Téodor: Yeah it was like drinking a melted Iditarod. I was all, "DID THE DOGS JUST DO NUMBER ONE WHEREVER?" and the flavor was all, "WORK IT OUT, EINSTEIN." / [[Molly is now hugging Téodor.]]
/ Molly: Oh, Téodor. Thanks for making me laugh. This whole planning process needs to be more fun.
/ Téodor (thinking): Stop thinking about scoring with her, you lousy bastard. / [[The hug continues.]]
/ Téodor: With no family around, it must be really hard. You want to... to talk about it?
/ Téodor (thinking): Quit saying the right thing! And quit getting hard! / [[Still hugging.]]
/ Molly: Oh my god. Really?
/ Téodor (thinking): Quit knowing this is exactly how you'd hold her during lovemaking! Quit smelling her hair! Quit seeing her peaceful face on your pillow in the pale blue cast of dawn! / {{title text: Yo YO who has had a girlfriend whose sleeping face they loved in the pale blue cast of dawn WOOT WOOT raise the ROOF!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06032008 |
| Achewood - June 4, 2002 | [[Ray and Roast Beef are standing near a wall. Pat is walking by]] / Ray: Hey, did Pat's fancy new hat!
/ Roast Beef: What a nice new pork pie hat Pat / [[Pat turns around to look at them]]
/ Ray: Hey Pat, stock market been treatin' you well?
/ Roast Beef: Where's your Rolls Royce Pat / Ray: So, Pat, what's caviar like? Pretty good?
/ Roast Beef: Is caviar pretty good stuff Pat / [[Pat angerly walks away]]
/ Ray: Pat! Wait! I have a date tonight! Can I borrow the hat?
/ Roast Beef: Please let him borrow it dude / Caption: Later
/ [[Pat, in towel about to step into the bath tub]]
/ Pat: Man, what a couple of fools. / [[Pat pulls back the shower curtain to reveal Ray and Roast Beef wearing similar hats]] / {{alt text: We are interested in your adoptable dog}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06042002 |
| Achewood - June 4, 2002 | [[Ray and Roast Beef are standing near a wall. Pat is walking by]] / Ray: Hey, did Pat's fancy new hat!
/ Roast Beef: What a nice new pork pie hat Pat / [[Pat turns around to look at them]]
/ Ray: Hey Pat, stock market been treatin' you well?
/ Roast Beef: Where's your Rolls Royce Pat / Ray: So, Pat, what's caviar like? Pretty good?
/ Roast Beef: Is caviar pretty good stuff Pat / [[Pat angerly walks away]]
/ Ray: Pat! Wait! I have a date tonight! Can I borrow the hat?
/ Roast Beef: Please let him borrow it dude / Caption: Later
/ [[Pat, in towel about to step into the bath tub]]
/ Pat: Man, what a couple of fools. / [[Pat pulls back the shower curtain to reveal Ray and Roast Beef wearing similar hats]] / {{alt text: We are interested in your adoptable dog}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06042002 |
| Achewood - June 4, 2002 | [[Ray and Roast Beef are standing near a wall. Pat is walking by]] / Ray: Hey, did Pat's fancy new hat!
/ Roast Beef: What a nice new pork pie hat Pat / [[Pat turns around to look at them]]
/ Ray: Hey Pat, stock market been treatin' you well?
/ Roast Beef: Where's your Rolls Royce Pat / Ray: So, Pat, what's caviar like? Pretty good?
/ Roast Beef: Is caviar pretty good stuff Pat / [[Pat angerly walks away]]
/ Ray: Pat! Wait! I have a date tonight! Can I borrow the hat?
/ Roast Beef: Please let him borrow it dude / Caption: Later
/ [[Pat, in towel about to step into the bath tub]]
/ Pat: Man, what a couple of fools. / [[Pat pulls back the shower curtain to reveal Ray and Roast Beef wearing similar hats]] / {{alt text: We are interested in your adoptable dog}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06042002 |
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