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Achewood - May 9, 2002 Titling: THE STARTUP COMPANY, DAY 2 / [[Ray has called Philippe to a sales pitch]] / Ray: Philippe, can you see yourself with all of your egg- and milk-tracking problems completely solved? / Philippe: What do you mean, Ray? / Ray: Philippe, what would you say if i told you I could sell you a computer program that kept track of all your milk and eggs? / Philippe: Otters are lactose intolerant... / [[Philippe elicits a frown]] / Philippe: Can you make it not have the milk part? / Ray [thinking]: Man, I don't have any IDEA if we can make it not have the milk part! / Ray: Of...of course! That's no problem! Hey, anything you need, guy! / [[Philippe elicits a smile]] / Titling: LATER / Ray: Yo Beef! Can we lose the milk stuff? Please say yes! if you say yes, I can close this guy.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05092002
Achewood - May 9, 2003 (Chompin' Mignon on Bellagio Lake) [[Ray and Little Nephew are rolling the dozens]]Ray: Stand down little man and make peace with yourself!/You're just warm Winner's Cup and I'm all top Shelf! / Ray: I'm a Moët Bellini all chilled up real nice,/You're a Popov martini without any ice! / Ray: I'm rollin' large, makin' numbers at craps!/You're drinkin' a drink made out of wrung out Wet-Naps! / Ray: Ten women approach me and whisper, "bongiorno,"/You're in your room watchin' scrambled-up porno! <> {{the italicized "aww!" could be Ray playing his own hypeman or could be voiced by another, unseen character}} / Ray: I'm chompin' mignon on Bellagio lake,/You're at Circus Circus fightin' rats with a rake! / Ray: They comp me a suite and a silk lobster bib,/You get kidnapped at Binion's and sold as prime rib! / [[Ray looks on, appalled at his own cruelty, as Little Nephew begins to weep]] / {{alt text: fighting rats as in vermin in the rooms and halls}} / {{title: Chompin' Mignon on Bellagio Lake}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05092003
Achewood - May 9, 2003 (Chompin' Mignon on Bellagio Lake) [[Ray and Little Nephew are rolling the dozens]]Ray: Stand down little man and make peace with yourself!/You're just warm Winner's Cup and I'm all top Shelf! / Ray: I'm a Moët Bellini all chilled up real nice,/You're a Popov martini without any ice! / Ray: I'm rollin' large, makin' numbers at craps!/You're drinkin' a drink made out of wrung out Wet-Naps! / Ray: Ten women approach me and whisper, "bongiorno,"/You're in your room watchin' scrambled-up porno! <> {{the italicized "aww!" could be Ray playing his own hypeman or could be voiced by another, unseen character}} / Ray: I'm chompin' mignon on Bellagio lake,/You're at Circus Circus fightin' rats with a rake! / Ray: They comp me a suite and a silk lobster bib,/You get kidnapped at Binion's and sold as prime rib! / [[Ray looks on, appalled at his own cruelty, as Little Nephew begins to weep]] / {{alt text: fighting rats as in vermin in the rooms and halls}} / {{title: Chompin' Mignon on Bellagio Lake}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05092003
Achewood - May 9, 2003 (Chompin' Mignon on Bellagio Lake) [[Ray and Little Nephew are rolling the dozens]]Ray: Stand down little man and make peace with yourself!/You're just warm Winner's Cup and I'm all top Shelf! / Ray: I'm a Moët Bellini all chilled up real nice,/You're a Popov martini without any ice! / Ray: I'm rollin' large, makin' numbers at craps!/You're drinkin' a drink made out of wrung out Wet-Naps! / Ray: Ten women approach me and whisper, "bongiorno,"/You're in your room watchin' scrambled-up porno! <> {{the italicized "aww!" could be Ray playing his own hypeman or could be voiced by another, unseen character}} / Ray: I'm chompin' mignon on Bellagio lake,/You're at Circus Circus fightin' rats with a rake! / Ray: They comp me a suite and a silk lobster bib,/You get kidnapped at Binion's and sold as prime rib! / [[Ray looks on, appalled at his own cruelty, as Little Nephew begins to weep]] / {{alt text: fighting rats as in vermin in the rooms and halls}} / {{title: Chompin' Mignon on Bellagio Lake}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05092003
Achewood - May 9, 2005 [[Ray in Einstein wig, writing at table]] / [[Paper with notes: a ÷ …? ; [cursive] j = j ; ma + h]] / Roast Beef: So uh has Einstein spoke much through you today / Ray: Get outta here! You can't come in here when I got important stuff goin' on! You gonna screw me up! / Roast Beef: Ray uh maybe we should talk for a small bit about this channeling thing / Ray: Ain't see why. / Roast Beef: Dogg in three days you only talked to him that one time so far. Maybe it was like subconscious mind signals or just such as regular mind noise / Ray: I am helping Albert Einstein write down that he can't write down because he is a ghost and his hand is clear. I guess out of all people you would be the jealous one, wouldn't you! / Roast Beef: Oh no uh not me man Einstein's work led to the atom bomb / Ray (out of frame): What? / Roast Beef: I mean uh if you think it is rad to have the blood of 200,000 Japanese on your hands then rock on. Personally though all the crickets in the night would sound to me like the screams of melting schoolchildren / {{Alt text: Oh who is Beef kidding that is what all the crickets in the night sound like to him anyway}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05092005
Ray has finished his retardancy (May 9, 2007) [[Recovered, Ray speaks into the telephone holding a martini.]] / Ray: Yo, Beef. Ray here. Just wanted to say thanks for lookin' after me last couple of weeks. / [[Ray turns]] / Ray: Huh? Oh, come on, now. You ain't even got to demur. / [[Ray listens to Beef, eyebrow cocked]] / Ray: Whoah, dogg. Say shucks that much on your own time, maybe like for Guinness World Records. I hear they take mp3s. / Ray: Serious, though, man. You ever go creamy in the noggin, I got your back til end of days. Trust on that. / [[Ray leans forward, urging Beef.]] / Ray: What if I go creamy too? A clause, man! That's all! Nurses are to tuck us in on the TV room couch under a big puffy quilt that says, "Just Some Knuckleheads From The Day!" / [[Ray passes through a doorway]] / Ray: Dang, good idea! I'll call Rudy in production and we'll send promo samples to convalescent homes around the world. / {{Alt-text: Guinness World Records does not accept the mp3 format.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05092007
Ray has finished his retardancy (May 9, 2007) [[Recovered, Ray speaks into the telephone holding a martini.]] / Ray: Yo, Beef. Ray here. Just wanted to say thanks for lookin' after me last couple of weeks. / [[Ray turns]] / Ray: Huh? Oh, come on, now. You ain't even got to demur. / [[Ray listens to Beef, eyebrow cocked]] / Ray: Whoah, dogg. Say shucks that much on your own time, maybe like for Guinness World Records. I hear they take mp3s. / Ray: Serious, though, man. You ever go creamy in the noggin, I got your back til end of days. Trust on that. / [[Ray leans forward, urging Beef.]] / Ray: What if I go creamy too? A clause, man! That's all! Nurses are to tuck us in on the TV room couch under a big puffy quilt that says, "Just Some Knuckleheads From The Day!" / [[Ray passes through a doorway]] / Ray: Dang, good idea! I'll call Rudy in production and we'll send promo samples to convalescent homes around the world. / {{Alt-text: Guinness World Records does not accept the mp3 format.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05092007
Achewood - May 9, 2008 Ray: Let me guess. You feel... "bad." Is that it? Did I put my finger on it? / Roast Beef: Ray man what in hell are you doing here ?! / Ray: I came to pick your amateur ass up. Now let's hustle before that gold diggin' peanut slinger wanders out here in some frou-frou negligee that makes us ALL look cheap. / Roast Beef: I... how in hell do you know the score man what in the hell ?! / Ray: Let's go. We'll talk in Airwolf. / Caption: SOON. / Ray: See, Beef, you got just DUMB scratch for the first time in your life. You ain't know how to handle it, but there's plenty of sniffin' dogs that do. / Roast Beef: Oh man no wonder she poured so much Chivas in my noggin she was tryin' to get knocked up by a scratch-havin' man ! / Roast Beef: Dogg how did she know I was a trashy beginner rich guy ? / Ray: (A) Chivas, and (B) wearin' too tight of gray trousers from Sears. / Roast Beef: God wait though man I cheated on Molly man I CHEATED ON MOLLY ! / Ray: No you didn't. You existed in an area and nobody did moisture-style touches on your body. Calm down. / Ray: Now would be a good time to decide, though. Can you hang with money, or do you go back to the way you were? / Roast Beef: I think I basically got to be broke for Molly's sake man I can't have stewardesses constantly diving for my hog the rest of my life / Ray: What do you want to do with all the money from the card line? / Roast Beef: Gosh man uh how about we use it to endow a home for wrecked-up dudes and women who been messed with / Ray: I'll have my people manage that. Maybe set some aside for a rainy day? / Roast Beef: Hm maybe finally get some medical insurance / Roast Beef: I mean I don't want to seem all cocky and falutin' so maybe just a real basic plan where like if I die they put me in a coffin
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05092008
 
Achewood - May 10, 2002 [[Téodor is on his cordless phone]] / Ray: Hello, Téodor. This is Ray Smuckles calling to tell you about a... / Téodor: I know who you are, Ray. Is this about your startup company? / Ray: --about a unique software opportunity. Do you have a computer in your home, sir? / [[Téodor has "irritated Garfield" eyes]] / Ray: Tell me, Téodor - do you, like millions of others, have trouble keeping track of when to buy eggs and milk? / [[Téodor makes the previous face again]] / Ray: Téodor? Sir? / Téodor: Is this that Excel thing that Roast Beef made for his online programming class? / [[Téodor's eyes widen in bored anticipation of a response]] / Ray: No, sir. This is nothing short of a revolution. / {{Bocas Rancheros}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05102002
Achewood - May 10, 2004 [[Ray is on the phone, martini in hand.]] / Ray: Hey BEEF! Check it out! I'm NAKED! / [[Beef is on the other line, amused at Ray's shenanigans.]] / Roast Beef: That is some sweet Beans Ray. Anyhow the reason that I called is that I just got the new Chris Isaak album and I haven't even opened it yet. / [[Ray is titillated.]] / Ray: Oh shit, doggie! Let me throw on my duds and grab some bottled Cokes! / Roast Beef: word / [[Ray and Beef are dressed as Chris Isaak complete with pompadours and bottles of ice cold, refreshing Coca-Cola. Musical notes float through the air on gossamer wings.]] / Narrator: Soon / Ray: Man, listen to how nice all his guitar notes are. / [[Ray and Beef continue to appreciate the genius of Chris Isaak.]] / Roast Beef: These guitar notes are so good dude.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05102004
Achewood - May 10, 2004 [[Ray is on the phone, martini in hand.]] / Ray: Hey BEEF! Check it out! I'm NAKED! / [[Beef is on the other line, amused at Ray's shenanigans.]] / Roast Beef: That is some sweet Beans Ray Anyhow the reason that I called is that I just got the new Chris Isaak album and I haven't even opened it yet / [[Ray is titillated.]] / Ray: Oh shit, doggie! Let me throw on my duds and grab some bottled Cokes! / Roast Beef: word / [[Ray and Beef are dressed as Chris Isaak complete with pompadours and bottles of ice cold, refreshing Coca-Cola. Musical notes float through the air on gossamer wings.]] / Narrator: Soon / Ray: Man, listen to how nice all his guitar notes are. / [[Ray and Beef continue to appreciate the genius of Chris Isaak.]] / Roast Beef: These guitar notes are so good dude / {{ I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU (creamy guitar solo) }} / {{ links to: http://imagesource.allposters.com/images/151/7718.jpg }}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05102004
Achewood - May 10, 2004 [[Ray is on the phone, martini in hand.]] / Ray: Hey BEEF! Check it out! I'm NAKED! / [[Roast Beef is on the other end of the call.]] / Roast Beef: That is some sweet beans Ray Anyhow the reason that I called is that I just got the new Chris Isaak album and I haven't even opened it yet / Ray: Oh shit, doggie! Let me throw on my duds and grab some bottled Cokes! / Roast Beef: word / Narrator: SOON. / [[Ray and Roast Beef are dressed like Chris Isaak complete with pompadours and bottles of Coca-Cola. Musical notes float through the air.]] / Ray: Man, listen to how nice all his guitar notes are. / Roast Beef: These guitar notes are so good dude
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05102004
Achewood - May 10, 2005 1978 Volvo 244GLE OF DESPAIR / Beef: Whoah dogg is a teacher here / Ray: What? Oh, no man! I got this on eBay! / Beef: How come / Ray: This was Trent Reznor's high school car! If you sit in it, you are guaranteed to feel total despair! / Beef (getting in): Huh well let's just see about that shall we / Ray: I'm not so sure you're the kind of -- Beef! Wait! / Four panels of Beef's expression changing from normal to sad. / Beef with hands on ears, screaming. / Ray's mouth slightly agape as Beef continues screaming. / Beef now waving arms, eyes shut, screaming. Ray puts his hands on window. / SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK as Beef rolls down window. / Beef: "She checks out OK"
http://achewood.com/?date=05102005
Achewood - May 10, 2005 Title: 1978 Volvo 244GLE OF DESPAIR / [[Roast Beef and Ray are standing outside an old "brick" Volvo]] / Roast Beef: Woah dogg is a teacher here / [[Ray is holding up a rag]] / Ray: What? Oh, no, mann! I got this on eBay! / Roast Beef: How come / Ray: This was Trent Reznor's high school car! If you sit in it, you are guarenteed to feel total despair! / [[Ray polishes the car]] / <> / [[Roast Beef climbs into front seat]] / Roastbeef: Huh well let's just see about that shall we / Ray: I'm not so sure you're the kind of--Beef! Wait! / [[Roast Beef sits in driver's seat]] / [[Roast Beef's head drops slightly]] / [[Roast Beef looks sad]] / [[Roast Beef starts screaming, head in his hands]] / [[Ray watches Roast Beef screaming]] / [[Roast Beef continues screaming, pulling at himself; Ray puts his hands to the window, concerned]] / [[Roast Beef rolls the window down]] / <> / Roast Beef [[looks calm]]: She checks out OK
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05102005
Achewood - May 10, 2005 Title: 1978 Volvo 244GLE OF DESPAIR / [[Roast Beef and Ray are standing outside an old "brick" Volvo]] / Roast Beef: Woah dogg is a teacher here / [[Ray is holding up a rag]] / Ray: What? Oh, no, mann! I got this on eBay! / Roast Beef: How come / Ray: This was Trent Reznor's high school car! If you sit in it, you are guarenteed to feel total despair! / [[Ray polishes the car]] / <> / [[Roast Beef climbs into front seat]] / Roastbeef: Huh well let's just see about that shall we / Ray: I'm not so sure you're the kind of--Beef! Wait! / [[Roast Beef sits in driver's seat]] / [[Roast Beef's head drops slightly]] / [[Roast Beef looks sad]] / [[Roast Beef starts screaming, head in his hands]] / [[Ray watches Roast Beef screaming]] / [[Roast Beef continues screaming, pulling at himself; Ray puts his hands to the window, concerned]] / [[Roast Beef rolls the window down]] / <> / Roast Beef [[looks calm]]: She checks out OK
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05102005
Achewood - May 10, 2005 Title: 1978 Volvo 244GLE OF DESPAIR / [[Roast Beef and Ray are standing outside an old "brick" Volvo]] / Roast Beef: Woah dogg is a teacher here / [[Ray is holding up a rag]] / Ray: What? Oh, no, mann! I got this on eBay! / Roast Beef: How come / Ray: This was Trent Reznor's high school car! If you sit in it, you are guarenteed to feel total despair! / [[Ray polishes the car]] / <> / [[Roast Beef climbs into front seat]] / Roastbeef: Huh well let's just see about that shall we / Ray: I'm not so sure you're the kind of--Beef! Wait! / [[Roast Beef sits in driver's seat]] / [[Roast Beef's head drops slightly]] / [[Roast Beef looks sad]] / [[Roast Beef starts screaming, head in his hands]] / [[Ray watches Roast Beef screaming]] / [[Roast Beef continues screaming, pulling at himself; Ray puts his hands to the window, concerned]] / [[Roast Beef rolls the window down]] / <> / Roast Beef [[looks calm]]: She checks out OK
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05102005
Achewood - May 10, 2005 Title: 1978 Volvo 244GLE OF DESPAIR / [[Roast Beef and Ray are standing outside an old "brick" Volvo]] / Roast Beef: Woah dogg is a teacher here / [[Ray is holding up a rag]] / Ray: What? Oh, no, mann! I got this on eBay! / Roast Beef: How come / Ray: This was Trent Reznor's high school car! If you sit in it, you are guarenteed to feel total despair! / [[Ray polishes the car]] / <> / [[Roast Beef climbs into front seat]] / Roastbeef: Huh well let's just see about that shall we / Ray: I'm not so sure you're the kind of--Beef! Wait! / [[Roast Beef sits in driver's seat]] / [[Roast Beef's head drops slightly]] / [[Roast Beef looks sad]] / [[Roast Beef starts screaming, head in his hands]] / [[Ray watches Roast Beef screaming]] / [[Roast Beef continues screaming, pulling at himself; Ray puts his hands to the window, concerned]] / [[Roast Beef rolls the window down]] / <> / Roast Beef [[looks calm]]: She checks out OK
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05102005
Achewood - May 10, 2006 [[INT AIRWOLF]] / Ray: Aww, look at him all asleep on his side. What a cute kid. / Ray: You...you hid the Keith Moon head before he cound find it, right? / Téodor: Yeah. Pretty impressive craftsmanship on that thing--did you commission it? / Ray: What? No, man! That's the real deal! That's his actual head in there! / Téodor: Sure. Where'd you get it. / Ray: eBay, dog! / Téodor: You can't buy body parts on eBay. The have a policy. / Ray: I have a Platinum Reserve account. Kind of like their black market. / Téodor: Sheesh. Figures. / Téodor: What are you going to do with it? / Ray: Well, it's actually kind of a hassle to own. / Ray: you have to setup a living trust for the thing, you know--to provide for it in case you die--like old people do with their canaries. / Téodor: Parrots. / Ray: Right. Then there are these guys who do monthly inspections on it to make sure it ain't bein' stored in direct sunlight, hasn't come back to live, etc. This is all explicity stupulated in Keith's will. I kinda wish I'd known this stuff first, but what are you gonna do. / Téodor: You see the Loon's head on eBay, you Buy Now and ask questions later, I suppose. / Ray: I...exactly, T! EXACTLY! / Ray: Oh! T! Idea! You think that's vodka his head is suspended in? / Téodor: You know, I wouldn't be surprised. In death as he was in life, etc. / Ray: We got to take shots of it! Tell me how classic that is! We got to be able to tell that story dude! / Téodor: Eeesh. That seems like exactly the kind of thing that would make the head come alive and start biting at me. / Ray [thinking]: Oh classic! / [[BACK AT RAY'S]] / Ray: Here. I'll stand by with the glasses while you unscrew the lid and dip in the ladle. You ready? / Téodor: I...okay... / [[Téodor opens the jar]] / <> / <>
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05102006
Achewood - May 10, 2006 - Keith Moon's Head Alive [[INT AIRWOLF. Ray, seated in the pilot's seat, wearing a headset, looks back at Philippe.]] / Ray: Aww, look at him all asleep on his side. What a cute kid. / Ray: You...you hid the Keith Moon head before he cound find it, right? / Téodor: Yeah. Pretty impressive craftsmanship on that thing--did you commission it? / Ray: What? No, man! That's the real deal! That's his actual head in there! / Téodor: Sure. Where'd you get it. / Ray: eBay, dog! / Téodor: You can't buy body parts on eBay. The have a policy. / Ray: I have a Platinum Reserve account. Kind of like their black market. / Téodor: Sheesh. Figures. / Téodor: What are you going to do with it? / Ray: Well, it's actually kind of a hassle to own. / Ray: you have to setup a living trust for the thing, you know--to provide for it in case you die--like old people do with their canaries. / Téodor: Parrots. / [[Keith Moon's head in a jar is sitting on the floor of the helicopter.]] / Ray: Right. Then there are these guys who do monthly inspections on it to make sure it ain't bein' stored in direct sunlight, hasn't come back to live, etc. This is all explicity stupulated in Keith's will. I kinda wish I'd known this stuff first, but what are you gonna do. / Téodor: You see the Loon's head on eBay, you Buy Now and ask questions later, I suppose. / Ray: I...exactly, T! EXACTLY! / Ray: Oh! T! Idea! You think that's vodka his head is suspended in? / Téodor: You know, I wouldn't be surprised. In death as he was in life, etc. / Ray: We got to take shots of it! Tell me how classic that is! We got to be able to tell that story dude! / Téodor: Eeesh. That seems like exactly the kind of thing that would make the head come alive and start biting at me. / Ray [thinking]: Oh classic! / [[Panel text: BACK AT RAY'S]] / Ray: Here. I'll stand by with the glasses while you unscrew the lid and dip in the ladle. You ready? / Téodor: I...okay... / [[Téodor begins to unscrew the lid.]] / [[Téodor opens the jar. Keith Moon's eyes open wide.]] / [[Keith Moon's head flips on its back as it angrily sloshes around in the jar, glaring.]] / <> / [[The head continues to slosh around angrily.]] / <>
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05102006
Achewood - May 10, 2007 [[Ray steps into Cornelius' study, where the bear is sitting in an armchair, occupied with a book and a draught of cherry or port]] / Ray: Hey Connie! Got a minute to give me notes on my latest manuscript? / Cornelius: But of course. What's the premise? / [[Ray brings it to him]] / Ray: 'Member how I was idiotic the last two weeks? I had a realization--there ain't no romance novels for actual idiots! / Cornelius: Intriguing! Fraught with liability issues, though, I'd hazard. / [[Cornelius holds the manuscript up to read; Ray assuredly points at it]] / Ray: Nah, not if you got insight to the actual idiot mind. Check it! / [[The manuscript is presented to the reader]] / "Roger and Debbie were yelling and laughing. Roger had a pen! / 'Will you marry me, Debbie?' Roger asked. / 'GROSSSS!' laughed Debbie, wrinkling her nose. 'You're ugly and your shoes don't fit!' It was true. / 'C'mon, don't!' Roger said back. 'Be nice!' Always a good lesson. He would be a good husband if he could just get this to work. / 'I'll marry you if I get to keep your pen,' Debbie said. This was also true. / Roger, 23, sat on the couch and struggled with the concept of private property [see sidebar]. / [[The sidebar, set off in grey tint]] / Let's Talk About: 'PRIVATE PROPERTY' / If you have something, chances are, it's yours. But what does that mean? What if someone takes it? And what if, for example, a HORSE takes it? / To truly 'have' something, you have to be able to prove how you got it. A receipt, the word of a local policeman or clerk--even a well-regarded mailman [[....]]" / {{Alt-text: I ate next to these two at a discount restaurant recently.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05102007
 
Achewood - May 11, 2004 - Ray Quits Smoking [[Ray sits in his bathroom with a gun and a pack of Marlboro Lights]] / Ray: So long, soldier. / <> / <> / Ray: So long, soldier. / <> / <> / Ray: So long, soldier. / <> / <> / {{alt text: Read this comic while listening to There is a Place in Hell For Me and My Friends}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05112004
Achewood - May 11, 2004 - Ray Quits Smoking [[Exterior of a house. The only lights on are behind a small window. A voice can be heard coming from that window.]] / Voice: So long, soldier. / <> / <> / Voice: So long, soldier. / <> / [[Closeup of an open pack of Marlboro Lights. There are only four cigarettes left.]] / <> / [[Interior of a bathroom. Ray, looking heartbroken, is sitting on an upside-down bucket next to the toilet. The open pack of Marlboro Lights from the previous panel is seen on top of the toilet tank lid. Ray is holding a pistol above his head with one paw and dropping one of the cigarettes into the toilet bowl with the other.]] / Ray: So long, soldier. / [[Ray fires the pistol towards the ceiling.]] / <> / [[Ray flushes the toilet, still looking heartbroken.]] / <>
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05112004
Achewood - May 11, 2007 Pat: Ray! Did you know that your Cadillac Escalade only gets twelve miles per gallon? / Ray: Naw, but Fuck You for actin' like I'm gonna solve all the world's problems with my car! / Pat: Téodor! Did you know that it takes three acres of grain to produce one pound of beef? / Téodor: Fuck you, Pat. Three acres of grain tastes terrible with a baked potato. / Pat: Cornelius! If you're actively enjoying that alcohol, you need to consider intensive therapy and total abstinence. / Cornelius: I have the sneaking suspicion that you take your alarmist medical parameters from the same commercial insurance literature that classifies Elijah Wood as morbidly obese. Fuck along, now.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05112007
Fuck You Friday - Pat Edition [[Pat appears outside of Ray's black Cadillac Escalade]] / Pat: Ray! Did you know that your Cadillac Escalade only gets twelve miles per gallon? / [[Ray replies from inside of the car, giving Pat the fingers.]] / Ray: Naw, but Fuck You for actin' like I'm gonna solve all the world's problems with my car! / [[Pat comes up behind Téodor, who is cooking something, persumably beef.]] / <> / Pat: Téodor! Did you know that it takes three acres of grain to produce one pound of beef? / [[Téodor turns to Pat, annoyed.]] / Téodor: Fuck you, Pat. Three acres of grain tastes terrible with a baked potato. / [[Pat encounters Cornelius Bear, who has a martini glass in hand.]] / Pat: Cornelius! If you're actively enjoying that alcohol, you need to consider intensive therapy and total abstinence. / [[Cornelius is clearly angry.]] / Cornelius: I have the sneaking suspicion that you take your alarmist medical parameters from the same commercial insurance literature that classifies Elijah Wood as morbidly obese. Fuck along, now. / {{Alt-text: The doctor says you need to be perfect, but do not trust him. You have not known him long. Is he on the Abercrombie payroll?}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05112007
a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05112009">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05112009 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
Achewood - May 12, 2003 [[Ray and Cornelius sitting on couch]] / Ray: Holy crap! That sorry-assed crybaby won the goddamned Survivor?! / What the hell! / [[Ray raises an authoritative fist while Cornelius turns to look at him with disdain]] / Ray: She was all just whinin' and carryin' on for so many days I wanted to get on a plane and cold flyer her ass outta there myself! / Cornelius: Then why didn't you, Ray. / [[Ray leans forward, defensive and combative]] / Ray: Man, YOU know I can't remember where Survivor takes place one season to the next! / We TALKED about this! / [[Ray slides himself down off the couch]] / Ray: <> / [[Ray looks up at Cornelius with contempt and Cornelius appears surprised.]] / [[Ray leaves Cornelius sitting alone on the couch almost stunned.]] / {{It was Amazon this time.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05122003
Achewood - May 12, 2003 [[Ray and Cornelius sitting on couch]] / Ray: Holy crap! That sorry-assed crybaby won the goddamned Survivor?! / What the hell! / [[Ray raises an authoritative fist while Cornelius turns to look at him with disdain]] / Ray: She was all just whinin' and carryin' on for so many days I wanted to get on a plane and cold fly her ass outta there myself! / Cornelius: Then why didn't you, Ray. / [[Ray leans forward, defensive and combative]] / Ray: Man, YOU know I can't remember where Survivor takes place one season to the next! / We TALKED about this! / [[Ray slides himself down off the couch]] / Ray: <> / [[Ray looks up at Cornelius with contempt and Cornelius appears surprised.]] / [[Ray leaves Cornelius sitting alone on the couch almost stunned.]] / {{It was Amazon this time.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05122003
Achewood - May 12, 2003 [[Ray and Cornelius sitting on couch]] / Ray: Holy crap! That sorry-assed crybaby won the goddamned Survivor?! / What the hell! / [[Ray raises an authoritative fist while Cornelius turns to look at him with disdain]] / Ray: She was all just whinin' and carryin' on for so many days I wanted to get on a plane and cold flyer her ass outta there myself! / Cornelius: Then why didn't you, Ray. / [[Ray leans forward, defensive and combative]] / Ray: Man, YOU know I can't remember where Survivor takes place one season to the next! / We TALKED about this! / [[Ray slides himself down off the couch]] / Ray: <> / [[Ray looks up at Cornelius with contempt and Cornelius appears surprised.]] / [[Ray leaves Cornelius sitting alone on the couch almost stunned.]] / {{It was in the Amazon this time.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05122003
Achewood - May 12, 2003 - We TALKED about this! [[Ray and Cornelius sitting on couch]] / Ray: Holy crap! That sorry-assed crybaby won the goddamned Survivor?! / Ray: What the hell! / [[Ray raises an authoritative fist while Cornelius turns to look at him with disdain]] / Ray: She was all just whinin' and carryin' on for so many days I wanted to get on a plane and cold fly her ass outta there myself! / Cornelius: Then why didn't you, Ray. / [[Ray leans forward, defensive and combative]] / Ray: Man, YOU know I can't remember where Survivor takes place one season to the next! / Ray: We TALKED about this! / [[Ray slides himself down off the couch]] / <> / [[Ray looks up at Cornelius with contempt and Cornelius appears surprised.]] / [[Ray leaves Cornelius sitting alone on the couch almost stunned.]] / {{alt-text: It was in the Amazon this time.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05122003
Achewood - May 12, 2003 [[Ray and Cornelius sitting on couch]] / Ray: Holy crap! That sorry-assed crybaby won the goddamned Survivor?! / What the hell! / [[Ray raises an authoritative fist while Cornelius turns to look at him with disdain]] / Ray: She was all just whinin' and carryin' on for so many days I wanted to get on a plane and cold flyer her ass outta there myself! / Cornelius: Then why didn't you, Ray. / [[Ray leans forward, defensive and combative]] / Ray: Man, YOU know I can't remember where Survivor takes place one season to the next! / We TALKED about this! / [[Ray slides himself down off the couch]] / Ray: <> / [[Ray looks up at Corneliupooooooooops with contempt and Cornelius appears surprised.]] / [[Ray leaves Cornelius sitting alone on the couch almost stunned.]] / {{It was Amazon this time.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05122003
Achewood - May 12, 2004 Philippe: Oh boy! It looks just like my drawing! Thank you, Lyle! / <> / <> / <> / Lyle: Eh, no problem. Good to be wrenchin' again. / <> / Philippe: Wow! / Philippe: Did you get the horn to work the way we talked about? / Lyle: Try it! / Car horn: HERE COMES A HUGE FAG / Philippe: Hey! / <> / Philippe: Don't make my car call me a fag! That is very rude! / Philippe: Lyle! Hey! Where did you go to?! / [[Philippe thinks to himself]] / Philippe (thinking): Oh, brother! I can't drive around in a car that calls me a fag! It will cause problems in the community! / [[Todd's van drives up]] / Todd: Aw, don't w-w-worry about it, little guy! You should hear MY horn sometime! / <> / Todd's horn: IF THIS VAN'S A ROCKIN' / Todd's horn: I'M DOIN' COKE TO DOKKEN / <> / {{Alt text: I used to have a Celica with a license plate frame that said I was a woman}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05122004
Achewood - May 12, 2004 Philippe: Oh boy! It looks just like my drawing! Thank you, Lyle! / <> / <> / <> / Lyle: Eh, no problem. Good to be wrenchin' again. / <> / Philippe: Wow! / Philippe: Did you get the horn to work the way we talked about? / Lyle: Try it! / Car horn: HERE COMES A HUGE FAG / Philippe: Hey! / <> / Philippe: Don't make my car call me a fag! That is very rude! / Philippe: Lyle! Hey! Where did you go to?! / [[Philippe thinks to himself]] / Philippe (thinking): Oh, brother! I can't drive around in a car that calls me a fag! It will cause problems in the community! / [[Todd's van drives up]] / Todd: Aw, don't w-w-worry about it, little guy! You should hear MY horn sometime! / <> / Todd's horn: IF THIS VAN'S A ROCKIN' / Todd's horn: I'M DOIN' COKE TO DOKKEN / <> / {{Alt text: I used to have a Celica with a license plate frame that said I was a woman}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05122004
Achewood - May 12, 2004 Philippe: Oh boy! It looks just like my drawing! Thank you, Lyle! / <> / <> / <> / Lyle: Eh, no problem. Good to be wrenchin' again. / <> / Philippe: Wow! / Philippe: Did you get the horn to work the way we talked about? / Lyle: Try it! / Car horn: HERE COMES A HUGE FAG / Philippe: Hey! / <> / Philippe: Don't make my car call me a fag! That is very rude! / Philippe: Lyle! Hey! Where did you go to?! / [[Philippe thinks to himself]] / Philippe (thinking): Oh, brother! I can't drive around in a car that calls me a fag! It will cause problems in the community! / [[Todd's van drives up]] / Todd: Aw, don't w-w-worry about it, little guy! You should hear MY horn sometime! / <> / Todd's horn: IF THIS VAN'S A ROCKIN' / Todd's horn: I'M DOIN' COKE TO DOKKEN / <> / {{Alt text: I used to have a Celica with a license plate frame that said I was a woman}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05122004
Achewood - May 12, 2004 Philippe: Oh boy! It looks just like my drawing! Thank you, Lyle! / <> / <> / <> / Lyle: Eh, no problem. Good to be wrenchin' again. / <> / Philippe: Wow! / Philippe: Did you get the horn to work the way we talked about? / Lyle: Try it! / Car horn: HERE COMES A HUGE FAG / Philippe: Hey! / <> / Philippe: Don't make my car call me a fag! That is very rude! / Philippe: Lyle! Hey! Where did you go to?! / [[Philippe thinks to himself]] / Philippe (thinking): Oh, brother! I can't drive around in a car that calls me a fag! It will cause problems in the community! / [[Todd's van drives up]] / Todd: Aw, don't w-w-worry about it, little guy! You should hear MY horn sometime! / <> / Todd's horn: IF THIS VAN'S A ROCKIN' / Todd's horn: I'M DOIN' COKE TO DOKKEN / <> / {{Alt text: I used to have a Celica with a license plate frame that said I was a woman}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05122004
 
Achewood - May 12, 2005 [[Conrelius reads a letter]] / [[Cornelius leaves the letter on a table, and walks away, unhappy]] / [[Cornelius looks out a window]] / [[Cornelius grimaces, back to the window, arms crossed]] / Letter on Harlequin letterhead (middle column): Dear Cornelius, / Am very happy to hear you're back. Hope your Russian sojourn was just the inspiration you needed. Here is a lisf of plots we're hoping to ship this summer. Let me know which interest you. / 1) While abroad, a celebrated romantics-situations photographer has become enamored with in "Untouchable"-caste Indian hotel maid, and vice-versa. Class disparities threaten to keep them apart. Will love find a way? [Cornelius: yes.] 320pp. $2500. Due May 15. / 2) A wealthy American songstress researches the historical music of Paris, but when her torrid affair with a lowly cheese-boy suffers from class differences, more than just love is at stake. [No-brainer.] 240pp., $1800. Due May 18. / 3) The scion of a wealthy shipping family has teased the fiery, red-haired daughter of a longshoreman in their employ since they were tots. Now they are of age, but both know that any romance would threaten to destroy the company's rigid class distinctions. How do they keep their passions hidden from the prying eyes? [Cornelius: they create a set of false identities and rendevous in a different town... until they are discovered. Love eventually finds a way. Just a thought.] 352pp. $2750. Due May 20. / Kristi / Series Development / Harlequin Enterprises Ltd. / [[Cornelius looks visibly angry]] / [[Cornelius snatches the letter up and rereads it]] / <> / [[Cornelius sits at a typewriter, looking annoyed as he types]] / Written: Beneline Aulogois ran her tanned, elegant hand over a fragrent whell of ripened Brie. Born and raised in Ebbs, Texas, one would not have guessed that she would one day rise from her lowly roots to become a world-famous pop sensation. / <>
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05122005
Achewood - May 12, 2005 [[Conrelius reads a letter]] / [[Cornelius leaves the letter on a table, and walks away, unhappy]] / [[Cornelius looks out a window]] / [[Cornelius grimaces, back to the window, arms crossed]] / Letter on Harlequin letterhead (middle column): Dear Cornelius, / Am very happy to hear you're back. Hope your Russian sojourn was just the inspiration you needed. Here is a list of plots we're hoping to ship this summer. Let me know which interest you. / 1) While abroad, a celebrated romantics-situations photographer has become enamored with in "Untouchable"-caste Indian hotel maid, and vice-versa. Class disparities threaten to keep them apart. Will love find a way? [Cornelius: yes.] 320pp. $2500. Due May 15. / 2) A wealthy American songstress researches the historical music of Paris, but when her torrid affair with a lowly cheese-boy suffers from class differences, more than just love is at stake. [No-brainer.] 240pp., $1800. Due May 18. / 3) The scion of a wealthy shipping family has teased the fiery, red-haired daughter of a longshoreman in their employ since they were tots. Now they are of age, but both know that any romance would threaten to destroy the company's rigid class distinctions. How do they keep their passions hidden from the prying eyes? [Cornelius: they create a set of false identities and rendevous in a different town... until they are discovered. Love eventually finds a way. Just a thought.] 352pp. $2750. Due May 20. / Kristi / Series Development / Harlequin Enterprises Ltd. / [[Cornelius looks visibly angry]] / [[Cornelius snatches the letter up and rereads it]] / <> / [[Cornelius sits at a typewriter, looking annoyed as he types]] / Written: Béneline Aulogois ran her tanned, elegant hand over a fragrent whell of ripened Brie. Born and raised in Ebbs, Texas, one would not have guessed that she would one day rise from her lowly roots to become a world-famous pop sensation. / <>
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05122005
Achewood - May 12, 2006 [[Teodor and Ray in a room looking visibily agitated]] / Teodor: SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT, RAY! / Ray: I KNOW, MAN! I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN! / [[Keith Moon's head is in an opened jar with a very furious look upon his face. The jar is moving, causing the fluid in the jar to making a "slerp" noise]] / Teodor (out-of-sight): DO IT! HE'S STILL ALIVE! HE'S IN AGONY! / Ray (out-of-sight): HE'LL WEAR HIMSELF OUT! HE'LL WEAR HIMSELF OUT! YOU EVER KILL A PERCH? / <> / [[Teodor shields himself from the splashing of the fluid from the opened jar]] / Teodor: THIS ISN'T LIKE THAT! HE'S TURNING IN CIRCLES! HE...HE WANTS TO SEE WHY HE'S IN PAIN! SHOOT HIM OR I WILL! / [[Ray now has his arms crossed, and appear to be angry.]] / RAY: DO _NOT_ SHOOT THAT HEAD, TEODOR! YOU ARE A LOT OF THINGS, BUT YOU ARE NOT A GUY WHO SHOOTS A HEAD! / [[Teodor, aghast at Ray's comment, arms up in disbelief]] / Teodor: _I'M_ A LOT OF THINGS? WHAT ABOUT YOU! YOU BOUGHT A HEAD! MAYBE YOU'RE A LITTLE STUPID WITH YOUR MONEY, RAY! YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THAT? / [[Ray points at Teodor]] / RAY: OH! SO WE'RE GETTIN' STUFF OFF OUR CHESTS NOW, IS THAT IT?! WELL, _YOU_ AND _I_ SHOULD PROBABLY LOSE SOME WEIGHT! / [[Teodor, pointing, it speechless]] / [[Ray bends down to pick up the now closed jar with Keith Moon's head still inside]] / [[Teodor stands, still speechless]] / [[Ray exits the room via a door, pausing briefly to look back at Teodor with eyebrows arched, but angered]] / {{image title text: The head looks so smug when Ray protects it}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05122006
Achewood - May 12, 2006 [[Téodor and Ray in a room looking visibily agitated]] / Téodor: SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT, RAY! / Ray: I KNOW, MAN! I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN! / [[Keith Moon's head is in an opened jar with a very furious look upon his face. The jar is moving, causing the fluid in the jar to make a "slerp" noise]] / Téodor (out-of-sight): DO IT! HE'S STILL ALIVE! HE'S IN AGONY! / Ray (out-of-sight): HE'LL WEAR HIMSELF OUT! HE'LL WEAR HIMSELF OUT! YOU EVER KILL A PERCH? / <> / [[Téodor shields himself from the splashing of the fluid from the opened jar]] / Téodor: THIS ISN'T LIKE THAT! HE'S TURNING IN CIRCLES! HE...HE WANTS TO SEE WHY HE'S IN PAIN! SHOOT HIM OR I WILL! / [[Ray now has his arms crossed, and appears to be angry.]] / RAY: DO _NOT_ SHOOT THAT HEAD, TÉODOR! YOU ARE A LOT OF THINGS, BUT YOU ARE NOT A GUY WHO SHOOTS A HEAD! / [[Téodor, aghast at Ray's comment, arms up in disbelief]] / Téodor: _I'M_ A LOT OF THINGS? WHAT ABOUT YOU! YOU BOUGHT A HEAD! MAYBE YOU'RE A LITTLE STUPID WITH YOUR MONEY, RAY! YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THAT? / [[Ray points at Téodor]] / RAY: OH! SO WE'RE GETTIN' STUFF OFF OUR CHESTS NOW, IS THAT IT?! WELL, _YOU_ AND _I_ SHOULD PROBABLY LOSE SOME WEIGHT! / [[Teodor, pointing, is speechless]] / [[Ray bends down to pick up the now closed jar with Keith Moon's head still inside]] / [[Teodor stands, still speechless]] / [[Ray exits the room via a door, pausing briefly to look back at Teodor with eyebrows arched, but angered]] / {{alt text: The head looks so smug when Ray protects it}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05122006
Achewood - May 12, 2006 - Keith Moon's Alive Head [[Teodor and Ray in a room looking visibily agitated]] / Teodor: SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT, RAY! / Ray: I KNOW, MAN! I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN! / [[Keith Moon's head is in an opened jar with a very furious look upon his face. The jar is moving, causing the fluid in the jar to making a "slerp" noise]] / Teodor (out-of-sight): DO IT! HE'S STILL ALIVE! HE'S IN AGONY! / Ray (out-of-sight): HE'LL WEAR HIMSELF OUT! HE'LL WEAR HIMSELF OUT! YOU EVER KILL A PERCH? / <> / [[Teodor shields himself from the splashing of the fluid from the opened jar]] / Teodor: THIS ISN'T LIKE THAT! HE'S TURNING IN CIRCLES! HE...HE WANTS TO SEE WHY HE'S IN PAIN! SHOOT HIM OR I WILL! / [[Ray now has his arms crossed, and appears to be angry.]] / RAY: DO _NOT_ SHOOT THAT HEAD, TEODOR! YOU ARE A LOT OF THINGS, BUT YOU ARE NOT A GUY WHO SHOOTS A HEAD! / [[Teodor, aghast at Ray's comment, arms up in disbelief]] / Teodor: _I'M_ A LOT OF THINGS? WHAT ABOUT YOU! YOU BOUGHT A HEAD! MAYBE YOU'RE A LITTLE STUPID WITH YOUR MONEY, RAY! YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THAT? / [[Ray points at Teodor]] / RAY: OH! SO WE'RE GETTIN' STUFF OFF OUR CHESTS NOW, IS THAT IT?! WELL, _YOU_ AND _I_ SHOULD PROBABLY LOSE SOME WEIGHT! / [[Teodor, pointing, is speechless]] / [[Ray bends down to pick up the now closed jar with Keith Moon's head still inside. The head looks a lot happier, even smug.]] / [[Teodor stands, still speechless]] / [[Ray carries the jar away.]] / [[Ray looks back over his shoulder at Teodor, with eyebrows arched, still angry.]] / [[Ray exits the room via a door]] / {{image title text: The head looks so smug when Ray protects it}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05122006
Achewood - May 13, 2002 [[Ray is visiting Roast Beef, who is busy programming the Eggs and Milk Minder software]] / Ray: So, Roast Beef, how are those new features coming? / Roast Beef: I'm just finishing up the GUI / Ray: The whoosy-whatsit? / Roast Beef: The graphical user interface / Ray: Enough with the computer mumbo-jumbo, already! What are you doin'? / Roast Beef: Man don't you know anything about computers / Ray: Alright, Beef! So you know more about computers than I do! YOu gonna hold it against me? / Roast Beef: I just think you should know what certain basic things are called / Ray: Well, I just think you're a jerk! How about that?! / Titling: LATER / [[Ray is at his computer]] / Ray: Dear Diary: today I yelled at Roast Beef. I was sorry that I did it --- it's just because he is so good at computers and I am not. This is not his fault. / Ray: He made nachos later. He called them "Galaxy Nachos"? Is that a certain recipe? They were so tasy that I wished I had made them instead of him. I really need to get in control of this. / Ray: Anyhow, goodnight, diary. Sorry to ramble. / Ray: -=Ray=- / {{www.useit.com}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05132002
Achewood - May 13, 2002 [[Ray is visiting Roast Beef, who is busy programming the Eggs and Milk Minder software]] / Ray: So, Roast Beef, how are those new features coming? / Roast Beef: I'm just finishing up the GUI / Ray: The whoosy-whatsit? / Roast Beef: The graphical user interface / Ray: Enough with the computer mumbo-jumbo, already! What are you doin'? / Roast Beef: Man don't you know anything about computers / Ray: Alright, Beef! So you know more about computers than I do! YOu gonna hold it against me? / Roast Beef: I just think you should know what certain basic things are called / Ray: Well, I just think you're a jerk! How about that?! / Titling: LATER / [[Ray is at his computer]] / Ray: Dear Diary: today I yelled at Roast Beef. I was sorry that I did it --- it's just because he is so good at computers and I am not. This is not his fault. / Ray: He made nachos later. He called them "Galaxy Nachos"? Is that a certain recipe? They were so tasty that I wished I had made them instead of him. I really need to get in control of this. / Ray: Anyhow, goodnight, diary. Sorry to ramble. / Ray: -=Ray=- / {{www.useit.com}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05132002
Achewood - May 13, 2003 [[Roast beef is sitting at the computer Ray is stadning over his shoulder]] / Ray: What the heck is that, Beef? / Roast Beef: Check it out man I found a PC emulator for the old Oregon Trail. / / Ray: That the game we used to play in fifth grade? Man, that game was decent! / Ray: Say you think they are still makin' it? / / Roast Beef: Oh wow I bet they hella updated it. / Roast Beef: Lets take a look. / SOON / [[Ray is sitting at the computer and Roast Beef is looking over his shoulder]] / Roast Beef: Alright so what did I miss while I was on the phone / Did you get your horse shoed / Ray: Uhhh... Hold on! / Roast Beef: Dang what in the heck Ray How did you get syphilis / Roast Beef: "The next day: A tender letter arrives from Haram the blacksmith. Do you want to read it?" / Ray: He wrote! / {{Ray has a homosexual tryst in Oregon Trail}}
http://achewood.com/?date=05132003
Achewood - May 13, 2003 [[Roast beef is sitting at the computer Ray is stadning over his shoulder]] / Ray: What the heck is that, Beef? / Roast Beef: Check it out man I found a PC emulator for the old Oregon Trail. / / Ray: That the game we used to play in fifth grade? Man, that game was decent! / Ray: Say you think they are still makin' it? / / Roast Beef: Oh wow I bet they hella updated it. / Roast Beef: Lets take a look. / SOON / [[Ray is sitting at the computer and Roast Beef is looking over his shoulder]] / Roast Beef: Alright so what did I miss while I was on the phone / Did you get your horse shoed / Ray: Uhhh... Hold on! / Roast Beef: Dang what in the heck Ray How did you get syphilis / Roast Beef: "The next day: A tender letter arrives from Haram the blacksmith. Do you want to read it?" / Ray: He wrote! / {{Ray has a homosexual tryst in Oregon Trail}}
http://achewood.com/?date=05132003
Achewood - May 13, 2003 [[Roast beef is sitting at the computer Ray is stadning over his shoulder]] / Ray: What the heck is that, Beef? / Roast Beef: Check it out man I found a PC emulator for the old Oregon Trail. / / Ray: That the game we used to play in fifth grade? Man, that game was decent! / Ray: Say you think they are still makin' it? / / Roast Beef: Oh wow I bet they hella updated it. / Roast Beef: Lets take a look. / SOON / [[Ray is sitting at the computer and Roast Beef is looking over his shoulder]] / Roast Beef: Alright so what did I miss while I was on the phone / Did you get your horse shoed / Ray: Uhhh... Hold on! / Roast Beef: Dang what in the heck Ray How did you get syphilis / Roast Beef: "The next day: A tender letter arrives from Haram the blacksmith. Do you want to read it?" / Ray: He wrote! / {{Ray has a homosexual tryst in Oregon Trail}}
http://achewood.com/?date=05132003
Oregon Tail Ray: What the heck is that, Beef? / Roast Beef: Check it out man I found a PC emulator for old Oregon Trail / <><> / Ray: That game we used to play in the fifth grade?! Man, that game was _decent_! Say, you think they still makin' it? / <> / Roast Beef: Oh wow yeah I bet they hella updated it Let's take a look / Caption: SOON / Roast Beef: Alright so what did I miss while I was on the phone Did you get your horses all shoed / Ray: Uhhh... hold on! / Roast Beef: Dang what in the heck Ray How did you get syphilis / Roast Beef: _"The next day: A tender letter arrives from Hiram the blacksmith. Do you want to read it?"_ / Ray: [thinking] He wrote!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05132003
Oregon Tail [[Roast Beef is sitting at a computer and Ray, holding a cigarette, is standing behind him]] / Ray: What the heck is that, Beef? / Roast Beef: Check it out man I found a PC emulator for old Oregon Trail / <><> / Ray: That game we used to play in the fifth grade?! Man, that game was _decent_! / [[Ray takes a drag of his cigarette]] / Ray: Say, you think they still makin' it? / <> / Roast Beef: Oh wow yeah I bet they hella updated it / Roast Beef: Let's take a look / Caption: SOON / [[Ray is now at the computer typing looking upset, Roast Beef is behind him]] / Roast Beef: Alright so what did I miss while I was on the phone / Roast Beef: Did you get your horses all shoed / Ray: Uhhh... hold on! / Roast Beef: Dang what in the heck Ray How did you get syphilis / [[Roast Beef moves in close to read]] / Roast Beef: _"The next day: A tender letter arrives from Hiram the blacksmith. Do you want to read it?"_ / [[Ray looks excited]] / Ray: [thinking] He wrote! / {{Alt text: Ray has a homosexual tryst in Oregon Trail}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05132003
Oregon Tail [[Roast Beef sits at the computer typing; Ray stands behind him looking over Roast Beef's shoulder]] / Ray: What the heck is that, Beef? / Roast Beef: Check it out man I found a PC emulator for old Oregon Trail / <><> / Ray: That game we used to play in the fifth grade?! Man, that game was _decent_! Say, you think they still makin' it? / <> / Roast Beef: Oh wow yeah I bet they hella updated it Let's take a look / Caption: SOON / [[Ray is sitting at the computer. Roast Beef enters.]] / Roast Beef: Alright so what did I miss while I was on the phone Did you get your horses all shoed / Ray: Uhhh... hold on! / Roast Beef: Dang what in the heck Ray How did you get syphilis / Roast Beef: _"The next day: A tender letter arrives from Hiram the blacksmith. Do you want to read it?"_ / Ray: [thinking] He wrote!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05132003
Oregon Tail Ray: What the heck is that, Beef? / Roast Beef: Check it out man I found a PC emulator for old Oregon Trail / <><> / Ray: That game we used to play in the fifth grade?! Man, that game was decent! / Say, you think they still makin' it? / <> / Roast Beef: Oh wow yeah I bet they hella updated it / Let's take a look / Caption: SOON / Roast Beef: Alright so what did I miss while I was on the phone / Did you get your horses all shoed / Ray: Uhhh... hold on! / Roast Beef: Dang what in the heck Ray How did you get syphilis / Roast Beef: "The next day: A tender letter arrives from Hiram the blacksmith. Do you want to read it?" / Ray: [thinking] He wrote! / {{alt text: Ray has a homosexual tryst in Oregon Trail}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05132003
Achewood - May 13, 2003 Ray: What the heck is that, Beef? / Roast Beef: Check it out man I found a PC emulator for old Oregon Trail / <> / Ray: That game we used to play in the fifth grade?! Man, that game was decent! Say, you think they still makin' it? / <> / Roast Beef: Oh wow yeah I bet they hella updated it Let's take a look / Caption: SOON / Roast Beef: Alright so what did I miss while I was on the phone Did you get your horses all shoed / Ray: Uhhh... hold on! / Roast Beef: Dang what in the heck Ray How did you get syphilis / Roast Beef: _"The next day: A tender letter arrives from Hiram the blacksmith. Do you want to read it?"_ / Ray: [thinking] He wrote! / {{Alt text: Ray has a homosexual tryst in Oregon Trail}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05132003
Oregon Tail [[Ray is looking over Roast Beef's shoulder at the computer screen]] / Ray: What the heck is that, Beef? / Roast Beef: Check it out man I found a PC emulator for old Oregon Trail / <><> / Ray: That game we used to play in the fifth grade?! Man, that game was _decent_! Say, you think they still makin' it? / <> / Roast Beef: Oh wow yeah I bet they hella updated it Let's take a look / Caption: SOON / [[Roast Beef is returning from another room]] / Roast Beef: Alright so what did I miss while I was on the phone Did you get your horses all shoed / Ray: Uhhh... hold on! / [[Roast Beef looks over Ray's shoulder at the screen]] / Roast Beef: Dang what in the heck Ray How did you get syphilis / Roast Beef: [reading] _"The next day: A tender letter arrives from Hiram the blacksmith. Do you want to read it?"_ / Ray: [thinking] He wrote!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05132003
Achewood - May 13, 2004 YOU KNOW RAINER BEER, YOU'RE NOT SO BAD / JUST KEEP ME COLD / I WILL, RANIER, I WILL.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05132004
Achewood - May 13, 2004 [[Man is holding a can of Rainer Beer]] / Man: You know, Rainer Beer, you're not so bad. / Rainer Beer Can [[sings]]: Just keep me cold! / Man: I will, Rainer, I will. / {{alt text: The man will care about his beer, he promises.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05132004
Achewood - May 13, 2004 YOU KNOW, RAINER BEER, YOU'RE NOT SO BAD, / JUST KEEP ME COLD! / I WILL, RANIER, I WILL.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05132004
Onstad's First Foray Into Comics [[A handdrawn strip of a man holding a can of beer like a puppy to his chest.]] / Man: YOU KNOW, RAINIER BEER, YOU'RE NOT SO BAD. / [[Close up on the can. Word balloon has musical notes in it.]] / Rainier Beer: JUST KEEP ME COLD! / Man: I WILL, RAINIER, I WILL. / {{alt text: The man will care about his beer, he promises.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05132004
 
Achewood - May 13, 2005 The Philippe Times / Vol 7 No. 3 / Back Page: The Rumpus Round-up! / Friday Facts! / by Philippe, editor-in-chief! / [[Picture of Philippe]] / DID YOU KNOW... / If you swallow Pop Rocks and Coke at the same time, you won't actually die. I know what I'm doing this afternoon! / Africa has problems! They need money and supplies and clean hats. / Crickets use their legs like violins, but they can't write songs. It's not because they're stupid, they just don't write songs! There is no reason to expect them to. / Don't like tomatoes? Try this trick: eat Chinese food. No tomatoes. / Can you spell hippopatamus? I can't! / If you don't like shrimp then you are just plain crazy! You should have your head examined. Call the hospital! / [[Picture of a human head divided into four parts with the word "SCALLOPS" written on it]] / THE BRAIN tastes a lot like scallops. That's what they tell me! I didn't make that up. I got told that the brain tastes like scallops. / France weighs a hundred billion pounds. This does not include the weight of the buildings or the people who are on France. It only includes the first inch of dirt on the surface of France! / It is considered bad luck to ask a Chinese person if they ate breakfast. / Rob and Amber did not win The Amazing Race Season 2. Fuhgetaboutit! / ACCORDING TO LYLE, his ex-girlfriend was like "herpes" - you could always catch her on the toilet at Burger King! What does that even mean?! / Rich people LEASE cars, while regular people BUY cars. WHAT?! Talk about backwards! / SOME HAVE SAID that a fiddle is a violin played incorrectly. Don't tell that to a fiddle player, because he probably thinks he is doing a good job. / ABRAHAM LINCOLN got extremely mad once and broke a priceless wooden table. October 28, 1841. (His friend had lied to him) / Don't look at fat people! They know what you're up to. / SQUARE DANCING was invented by a person who had a damaged car! Just goes to show you that people from bad circumstances can still do good in life. It turns out that Square Dancing was the fellow's way of keeping near the song announcer!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05132005
Achewood - May 13, 2005 The Philippe Times / Vol 7 No. 3 / Back Page: The Rumpus Round-up! / Friday Facts! / by Philippe, editor-in-chief! / [[Picture of Philippe]] / DID YOU KNOW... / If you swallow Pop Rocks and Coke at the same time, you won't actually die. I know what I'm doing this afternoon! / Africa has problems! They need money and supplies and clean hats. / Crickets use their legs like violins, but they can't write songs. It's not because they're stupid, they just don't write songs! There is no reason to expect them to. / Don't like tomatoes? Try this trick: eat Chinese food. No tomatoes. / Can you spell hippopatamus? I can't! / If you don't like shrimp then you are just plain crazy! You should have your head examined. Call the hospital! / [[Picture of a human head divided into four parts with the word "SCALLOPS" written on it]] / THE BRAIN tastes a lot like scallops. That's what they tell me! I didn't make that up. I got told that the brain tastes like scallops. / France weighs a hundred billion pounds. This does not include the weight of the buildings or the people who are on France. It only includes the first inch of dirt on the surface of France! / It is considered bad luck to ask a Chinese person if they ate breakfast. / Rob and Amber did not win The Amazing Race Season 2. Fuhgetaboutit! / ACCORDING TO LYLE, his ex-girlfriend was like "herpes" - you could always catch her on the toilet at Burger King! What does that even mean?! / Rich people LEASE cars, while regular people BUY cars. WHAT?! Talk about backwards! / SOME HAVE SAID that a fiddle is a violin played incorrectly. Don't tell that to a fiddle player, because he probably thinks he is doing a good job. / ABRAHAM LINCOLN got extremely mad once and broke a priceless wooden table. October 28, 1841. (His friend had lied to him) / Don't look at fat people! They know what you're up to. / SQUARE DANCING was invented by a person who had a damaged ear! Just goes to show you that people from bad circumstances can still do good in life. It turns out that Square Dancing was the fellow's way of keeping near the song announcer!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05132005
Achewood - May 13, 2008 Roast Beef: Dogg is heavy metal over I mean did people stop doing that? / Teodore: Huh. I think you still hear about it being listened to in Finland, which is pretty much the world's musical toilet drain, so yeah. / Roast Beef: Oh man Finland is definitely where stuff goes on its way away from this world. / Teodore: Is there anything good about Finland? Let's pull up Wikipedia. / TAP TAP TAP / Finland / From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia / Characteristics / Finland is a Nordic country widely praised for not attempting to produce an automobile. Finnish men put paprika in their hair at weddings. / In 1833 Finland unsuccessfully fought to include a reindeer on its national postage stamp. / Finns presented with pencils (krakkamikoholiiuki partakkalak suüüns) often make drawings, but these typically end up resembling tridents tangled in seaweed. / TAP... TAP / "The Famous Drawing of Finland" ("Kuriapilainen Lisötöy Kiipj"), Heireikko Pikko, 1897. [enlarge]
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05132008
a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05132009">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05132009 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
Ray as the unwitting QA director [[Ray is testing the Eggs and Milk Minder]] / Screen: Hello Ray / Screen: You do NOT need to buy eggs / Screen: You do ____ need to buy milk / Screen: RUNTIME MEMORY ERROR CODE 140293 ABORTING PROCESS / Ray: ROAST BEEF! I think I broke the program! Oooooh damn! Oh no! Ohhhno-no-no-no-no! / <> / Roast Beef: You can't break a computer program / Ray: But look, dude! LOOK! / [[Roast Beef moves to look at computer.]] / Roast Beef: Huh / Ray: OHHHHHHHH Man! I'm so sorry, Beef! I just ruined everything, didn't I? / Roast Beef: This just indicates a type-9 memory stack leak / <> / [[Beef turns to Ray more forlornly than usual.]] / Roast Beef: It's okay - I didn't actually want to go to sleep tonight / Roast Beef: I've been having real awful dreams about giant apocalyptic machinery / Roast Beef: just mowing us all down / {{you can always reboot unless it is a virus}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05142002
Ray as the unwitting QA director [[Ray is testing the Eggs and Milk Minder]] / Screen: Hello Ray / Screen: You do NOT need to buy eggs / Screen: You do ____ need to buy milk / Screen: RUNTIME MEMORY ERROR CODE 140293 ABORTING PROCESS / Ray: ROAST BEEF! I think I broke the program! Oooooh damn! Oh no! Ohhhno-no-no-no-no! / <> / Roast Beef: You can't break a computer program / Ray: But look, dude! LOOK! / [[Roast Beef moves to look at computer.]] / Roast Beef: Huh / Ray: OHHHHHHHH Man! I'm so sorry, Beef! I just ruined everything, didn't I? / Roast Beef: This just indicates a type-9 memory stack leak / <> / [[Beef turns to Ray more forlornly than usual.]] / Roast Beef: It's okay - I didn't actually want to go to sleep tonight / Roast Beef: I've been having real awful dreams about giant apocalyptic machinery / Roast Beef: just mowing us all down / {{you can always reboot unless it is a virus}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05142002
Achewood - May 14, 2003 [[Téodor walks up to the computer]] / Téodor: RAY? BEEF? You guys around?! / Téodor: Oh wow, Oregon Trail! I haven't played this in years! / [[Téodor sits at the computer]] / Téodor: Let's see here... got to buy a wagon and supplies... / Téodor: some strong horses... / Téodor: get them shoed... / <> / Computer: Hiram the Blacksmith asks if you would like a cocktail while you wait. / Téodor: Wow! / Téodor: "Accept!" / <> / Computer: Hiram the Blacksmith mixes you a delicious concoction of coconut-infused rum and tropical juices. / Téodor: Holy smokes! / Téodor: "Thank you Hiram!" / <> / SOON / Computer: Hiram fills your glass again and again as he prepares dinner. Without warning, he playfully kisses the back of your neck. / [[Téodor looks around]] / Téodor: "That's cool" / <> / {{alt text: They had to coconut-infuse their own rum in those days}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05142003
 
Achewood - May 14, 2004 [[Chucklebot greets Vlad and Lie Bot, drinking beer at bar]] / Chucklebot: What it is you rock and roll faggots / <> / Vlad: Chucklebot! I am not believink it! / Lie Bot: Barkeep! My friend would like a shot of Grenadine with a cock ring floater! / Chucklebot: The first time you told that one I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur and broke my igneous thong / Vlad: Seriously, Chucklebot! Is goot to see you again! / Lie Bot: I heard you got fired from your job as a lamp that the Queer Eyes threw away! / Vlad: You...you are well? / Chucklebot: Kid Rock called and says he wants his gene pool back / Lie Bot: Paula Poundstone called! In between muffled sobs and the sound of two dozen pills dropping into a martini she told me she wanted her sense of humor back! / Vlad: You are havink place to stay, Chucklebot? / Chucklebot: The Fonz called to mention that he wants his prime time-friendly faux dago sexuality back / {{title text: GOOT / the typo that became dialogue}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05142004
Return of Chucklebot [[Chucklebot greets Vlad and Lie Bot, drinking beer at bar]] / <> / Vlad: Chucklebot! I am not believink it! / Chucklebot: WHAT IT IS YOU ROCK AND ROLL FAGGOTS / Lie Bot: Barkeep! My friend would like a shot of Grenadine with a cock ring floater! / Chucklebot: THE FIRST TIME YOU TOLD THAT ONE I LAUGHED SO HARD I FELL OFF MY DINOSAUR AND BROKE MY IGNEOUS THONG / Vlad: Seriously, Chucklebot! Is goot to see you again! / Lie Bot: I heard you got fired from your job as a lamp that the Queer Eyes threw away! / Vlad: You...you are well? / Chucklebot: KID ROCK CALLED AND SAYS HE WANTS HIS GENE POOL BACK / Lie Bot: Paula Poundstone called! In between muffled sobs and the sound of two dozen pills dropping into a martini she told me she wanted her sense of humor back! / Vlad: You are havink place to stay, Chucklebot? / Chucklebot: The FONZ CALLED TO MENTION THAT HE WANTS HIS PRIME TIME-FRIENDLY FAUX DAGO SEXUALITY BACK / {{title text: GOOT / the typo that became dialogue}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05142004
Achewood - May 14, 2007 [[Teodor is addressing Pat]] / Teodor: Do you know how hard it is to write when you're all high on prescription codeine cough syrup? / [[Ray is talking on his cell phone]] / Ray: It's REALLY hard! But when you've been coughing your brains out for three weeks, I guess you finally rearrange your priorities and drop the dose. / [[A leg, apparently amputated at the knee, is cabled to a brick wall]] / Leg: I'd basically been expectorating one green egg yolk from my lungs every half hour since two Mondays ago. / [[Milklin Honniker sits before Roast Beef's door]] / Milklin Honniker: Not only was it revolting, it was extremely painful after a while. / Milklin Honniker: It got to where every cough ended with a whimper. / [[A cigarette-smoking clove of garlic stands triumphant over a weeping pear]] / Garlic: I dreaded waking up each day, as I was virtually promised an hour of coughing fits and spasms while my sinuses drained the curds of the evening's repose. / [[A balding, bow-tie-wearing, stage-managerish-looking cat holding a stack of papers stands before the dressing room door of "The Oblio Correction," who are apparently Dicky, Dave, and Don]] / Stage-Managerish-Looking Cat: My wife finally called the doctor and got me the codeine, and now I've gone and shown you my special private drawing of garlic beating up a pear. I'd better get away from the desk before I start inventing fake mod bands. / {{title text: The leg talks out of the bone}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05142007
Achewood - May 14, 2008 [[Roast Beef, Ray, and Téodor are seated at a bar. Roast Beef's glass is nearly full, while Ray's and Téodor's are close to empty.]] / Téodor: You know what? If I ever made my money and could settle back, I'd open the pizza parlor we all went to as little kids. / Ray: We talkin' 'bout red glass Venetian candles? Push-button cigarette machine in the entry? / Téodor: Real cotton gingham tablecloths...all the walls in dark wood, amber-pebbled plastic tumblers for water... / Ray: Salad dressing all in some stainless steel five-bowl server caddy... / [[Téodor turns to look at Ray.]] / Téodor: [i]Blue cheese, Ranch, Russian, French, Thousand Island![/i] / Ray: [i]Italian comes on the side 'cause you gotta shake it![/i] / [[They high-five.]] / <> / Roast Beef: All cooks and dishwashers fifty years of age in the back never gonna have no pension / Roast Beef: Only socially able to marry a dim wife who clamors on every day about how she caught stinkeye from some immigrant on the bus / [[Roast Beef looks down into his drink.]] / Roast Beef: Waitress all can't get no better job 'cause one time back in life she shoplifted some lipstick / Ray: Come on, Beef. Don't be a drag. We talkin' 'bout a fun time here! / Roast Beef: Sorry dogg your pizza parlor is my exposition of the main living miseries / Roast Beef: A palace of woes where the living buy bread from the already dead / Ray: Man, somebody cut this guy off. He's saddin' so hard a poem came outta' his face. / [[Roast Beef picks up his drink and continues to stare into it.]] / Roast Beef: This is just cola
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05142008
Achewood - May 15, 2002 [[Ray and Beef are working on the Eggs and Milk Minder. Ray is drinking from a martini glass]] / <> / Roast Beef: Why are you drinking at work Ray / Roast Beef: What about your productivity / Ray: I'm knockin' off a little early today. How's your stuff comin'? / Roast Beef: The new hashbrowns module is almost done. / Roast Beef: Maybe now I should write a module that controls your drinking / Ray: Are you trying to be funny with me? / Roast Beef: Do you think that it is rad to have alcoholism, Ray? / {{We are not sure if this is a problem}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05152002
Achewood - May 15, 2002 [[Ray and Beef are working on the Eggs and Milk Minder. Ray is drinking from a martini glass]] / <> / Roast Beef: Why are you drinking at work Ray / Roast Beef: What about your productivity / Ray: I'm knockin' off a little early today. How's your stuff comin'? / Roast Beef: The new hashbrowns module is almost done. / Roast Beef: Maybe now I should write a module that controls your drinking / Ray: Are you trying to be funny with me? / Roast Beef: Do you think that it is rad to have alcoholism Ray / {{We are not sure if this is a problem}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05152002
Achewood - May 15, 2002 [[Ray and Beef are working on the Eggs and Milk Minder. Ray is drinking from a martini glass]] / <> / Roast Beef: Why are you drinking at work Ray / Roast Beef: What about your productivity / Ray: I'm knockin' off a little early today. How's your stuff comin'? / Roast Beef: The new Hashbrowns module is almost done / Roast Beef: Maybe now I should write a module that controls your drinking / Ray: Are you trying to be funny with me? / Roast Beef: Do you think that it is rad to have alcoholism Ray / {{We are not sure if this is a problem}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05152002
Lawnimatronics [[Ray and Téodor are at the kitchen counter]] / Téodor: Jesus, Ray. You've been pacing since you came into the kitchen. What's eating you? / Ray: It's Envelope, dogg. Guy across the street. He parked on his damn lawn again. / [[Téodor takes a drink]] / Téodor: Yeah, alright, I'll give that it's a little tacky, but- / Ray: A LITTLE tacky?! Not replacin' the empty toilet paper roll is a LITTLE tacky. / [[Close on Ray looking thoughtful]] / Ray: ...no, that's a lot tacky. Belt not matchin' shoes, now that's a LITTLE... no, that's real tacky as well. Movin' your fork between hands just to take a bite... no... unbearable... / [[Ray and Téodor]] / Téodor: Why don't you make an ultra-tacky lawn installation of your own, to show him how bad it looks? / Ray: Damn, T! You onto somethin' with that! / [[Téodor works at a drafting board with Ray standing over his shoulder]] / Caption: SOON. / Téodor: Okay, so we'll put an antique gas oven by the birch tree, and the Sylvia Plath mannequin that we have on all fours on that little train track system will roll forward and stick her head in it on the hour. / Ray: Uh huh. Uh huh. / Téodor: Then Rin Tin Tin will pull her out, and the animatronic Tintin will put a medal around his neck. / Ray: That starts the Marseillaise, right? And where do the anti-abortion protestors with the bloody fetus posters go? / {{alt-text: The anti-abortion protestors go on the sidewalk, of course.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05152007
 

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