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| Achewood - January 7, 2004 | [[Phillipe is in the kitchen. Lyle enters carrying bags.]]
/ Phillipe: Oh boy! Are we having cracked crab for dinner tonight, Lyle!
/ Lyle: Yep, just gotta cook 'em and clean 'em. / [[Lyle is dumping crabs in pot]]
/ Phillipe: My favorite! / [[Lyle is putting the lid on the pot]]
/ Lyle: Goodnight, you Prince of the Pacific - you King of the Coast. / [[Phillipe is dancing]]
/ Phillipe: Cracked crab dance! Cracked crab dance! / [[Lyle glances over at Phillipe.]] / [[Lyle removes the lid from the pot.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01072004 |
| Fuck You | [[Ray is sipping martini, talking on the phone]]
/ Pat (on phone): Ray, this is Pat. I need you to come over and sample my new trail mix recipe. I'll expect you in five minutes. / Ray: Not today, man. Fuck you. / [[Ray is talking to Milklin (or some salesman)]]
/ Milklin: Excuse me, sir. Can you spare a moment to talk about the life of Jesus Christ? / Ray: Sorry, fella. Fuck you. / [[Ray is at the drive-thru]]
/ Ray: Yeah, I'd like Meal #2 with a Sprite.
/ Attendant: Would you like a slice of Strawberry Cheesecake with that?
/ Ray: No. Fuck you. / [[Ray is in bed, on the phone]]
/ Ray: Naw, I ain't want to respond to a survey about time share properties. Fuck you. / [[EPILOGUE: Ray is grilling a steak, talking to camera]]
/ Ray: Hey, everybody! Ray Smuckles here on a beautiful Fuck You Friday! That's right, take old Fuck You out for a spin today. You'll be glad you did!
/ Take care, and...Fuck you! / {{Alt-text: Click here for a big Fuck You (links to: http://www.achewood.com/rsrc/img/emeril_walk.gif ) }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01072005 |
| Achewood - January 7, 2008 - Little Kid Message Board | [[Cornelius enters as Teodor is watching Philippe use a computer which has Mickey Mouse ears]]
/ Cornelius: Oh dear lord no, the boy's on the internet again?
/ Teodor: It's alright, we got him a special kid computer that can only take him to kid websites. / Cornelius: Philippe, what are you reading?
/ Philippe: It's the Little Kid Message Board! It's the message board where kids can say what kids have to say! / [[Cornelius and Teodor leave sighing as Philippe browses the threads...]]
/ LITTLE KID MESSAGE BOARD!
/ DISCUSSION TOPICS!
/ Dr. Seuss: jumped the shark?
/ My friend Jeff is from Sweden (NOT LYING THIS TIME)
/ I don't understand caves :(
/ HELP I did a 2 but I wanted to do a 1 (HURRY!)
/ My dad said Greek people die early
/ Who fell over today? (poll)
/ Cars should have wheels that let them roll sideways
/ Ouch! (closed)
/ Will Rachael Ray get her boobies this year? Fingers crossed! Alison, 7, Baton Rouge.
/ 179213 topics and over 23 replies! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01072008 |
| Achewood ? January 7, 2010 | [[Title box]]
/ GREAT MOMENTS IN CINEMA PRESENTS JAMES CAMERON'S AVATAR BROUGHT TO YOU BY ROOMBA! THE ROBOTIC FLOOR VAC / [[Teodor and Roast Beef are standing on one Roomba, embracing each other.]]
/ Teodor: Jake Sully
/ Teodor: We are mated before Eywa now / Roast Beef: Jesus Christ man why we got to do this part of the movie why not like gunships or just a meal scene
/ Roast Beef: Jesus CHRIST / {{Title text: They also did a good bit where a browned marshmallow stood in for Unobtainium, but Philippe ate it during a smoke break.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01072010 |
| Kung Foo | [[Téodor and Lyle sit on the sofa, watching TV with drinks in hand]]
/ Téodor: Don't you ever just want to learn Kung Fu? Look at that dude! / Lyle: Kung Fu? Yeah, sure. But it's real hard to learn Kung Fu. And the lessons cost a bundle. / Téodor: It would be so awesome to know Kung Fu. DRAGON KICK! Suckers go flyin'. LOTUS PUNCH! Suckers scamper through the tress, their insides all torn out. / Lyle: Yeah, I could get into Kung Fu. But I'm already pretty set with my own fighting style.
/ Téodor: What's that? / Lyle: I just fight, man. I fight like crazy!
/ Téodor: What's your technique? / Lyle: Hey! Our jive-asshole cartoonist couldn't write an ending for this pointless strip! Looks like It's time to hit the road! / {{title text: This took all fucking night and it's not even any fucking good!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01082002 |
| Kung Foo | [[Téodor and Lyle sit on the sofa, watching TV with drinks in hand]]
/ Téodor: Don't you ever just want to learn Kung Fu? Look at that dude! / Lyle: Kung Fu? Yeah, sure. But it's real hard to learn Kung Fu. And the lessons cost a bundle. / Téodor: It would be so awesome to know Kung Fu. DRAGON KICK! Suckers go flyin'. LOTUS PUNCH! Suckers scamper through the trees, their insides all torn out. / Lyle: Yeah, I could get into Kung Fu. But I'm already pretty set with my own fighting style.
/ Téodor: What's that? / Lyle: I just fight, man. I fight like crazy!
/ Téodor: What's your technique? / Lyle: Hey! Our jive-asshole cartoonist couldn't write an ending for this pointless strip! Looks like It's time to hit the road! / {{title text: This took all fucking night and it's not even any fucking good!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01082002 |
| Achewood - January 8, 2003 | [[Phillipe is walking by Teodor. He is carrying a wrapped sandwich and is fat.]]
/ Teodor: Phillipe! What happened to you?!
/ Phillipe: Huh? / Teodor: How much Subway have you been eating?
/ Phillipe: Well, I eat at Lyle's Subway for breakfast, and Vlad's for lunch, and Todd's for dinner... / Phillipe: ...and usually I try to pick up a six-incher at Pat's before the Late Show. Don't want to leave anyone out! / Teodor: [[angry]] Do you know what happens when you only eat fast food, Phillipe? You get diabetes!
/ Phillipe: So what! I'll eat a candy bar! / Teodor: They have to cut your legs off! Then you die a year later! Remember Waylon Jennings?
/ Phillipe: [[thinking]] Oh my gosh that's right! / [[Phillipe is shown pondering a scene in which one freshly-dug grave reads "RIP: PHILLPE TOP HALF 1997-2004" next to a grave reading "RIP: PHILLIPE'S LEGS 1997-2003"]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01082003 |
| Achewood - January 8, 2003 | [[Phillipe is walking by Teodor. He is carrying a wrapped sandwich and is fat.]]
/ Teodor: Phillipe! What happened to you?!
/ Phillipe: Huh? / Teodor: How much Subway have you been eating?
/ Phillipe: Well, I eat at Lyle's Subway for breakfast, and Vlad's for lunch, and Todd's for dinner... / Phillipe: ...and usually I try to pick up a six-incher at Pat's before the Late Show. Don't want to leave anyone out! / Teodor: [[angry]] Do you know what happens when you only eat fast food, Phillipe? You get diabetes!
/ Phillipe: So what! I'll eat a candy bar! / Teodor: They have to cut your legs off! Then you die a year later! Remember Waylon Jennings?
/ Phillipe: [[thinking]] Oh my gosh that's right! / [[Phillipe is shown pondering a scene in which one freshly-dug grave reads "RIP: PHILLIPE TOP HALF 1997-2004" next to a grave reading "RIP: PHILLIPE'S LEGS 1997-2003"]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01082003 |
| Achewood - January 8, 2004 | [[Teodor is at the computer. Cornelius Bear aproaches him.
/ Cornelius Bear: What are you working on, Tèodor?
/ [[Teodor gets suprised]]
/ Teodor: Oh, check it out! I'm making a fake Yahoo Personals ad for Ray!
/ [[Cornelius takes a sip from his drink]] / [[Computer screen]]
/ Step 2: Likes/Dislikes
/ The dails on what you're lookin / I live at 11 Via Verde in Achewood Estates and I need a Puerto Rican woman who's not afraid to break furniture during fights / PS I like Italian food and I like to Do It after I eat Italian food / |
| Achewood - January 8, 2004 | [[Teodor is at the computer. Cornelius Bear aproaches him.
/ Cornelius Bear: What are you working on, Tèodor?
/ [[Teodor gets suprised]]
/ Teodor: Oh, check it out! I'm making a fake Yahoo Personals ad for Ray!
/ [[Cornelius takes a sip from his drink]] / [[Computer screen]]
/ Step 2: Likes/Dislikes
/ The dails on what you're lookin / I live at 11 Via Verde in Achewood Estates and I need a Puerto Rican woman who's not afraid to break furniture during fights / PS I like Italian food and I like to Do It after I eat Italian food / |
| Achewood - January 8, 2004 | [[Teodor is at the computer. Cornelius Bear aproaches him.
/ Cornelius Bear: What are you working on, Tèodor?
/ [[Teodor gets suprised]]
/ Teodor: Oh, check it out! I'm making a fake Yahoo Personals ad for Ray!
/ [[Cornelius takes a sip from his drink]] / [[Computer screen]]
/ Step 2: Likes/Dislikes
/ The dails on what you're lookin / I live at 11 Via Verde in Achewood Estates and I need a Puerto Rican woman who's not afraid to break furniture during fights / PS I like Italian food and I like to Do It after I eat Italian food / |
| Achewood - January 8, 2004 | [[Mr. Bear approaches Teodor who is using the computer]]
/ Mr. Bear: What are you working on, Teodor? / Teodor: Oh, check it out! I'm making a fake Yahoo Personals ad for Ray!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01082004 |
| Achewood - January 8, 2004 | [[Mr. Bear approaches Teodor who is using the computer]]
/ Mr. Bear: What are you working on, Teodor? / Teodor: Oh, check it out! I'm making a fake Yahoo Personals ad for Ray!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01082004 |
| Achewood - January 8, 2007 | [[ gray screen]] "aww yeah, man. hooray" / [[gray screen with smoke drifting]] "hooray for some guys." / [[Teodor coughing on a hit, mellowed out]] / Teodor: So what's the deal with this band of theirs? / Ray: Nice Pete sings these really bonkers lyrics over a bass line. It's like that black elf-rock stuff? Is that what I mean? From Norway? / Teodor: Oh, like lyrics that are all, / [[close up of Teodor]] / Teodor: THE FURY OF THE MOME RATH RENT THE EARTH IN TWAIN BY TWAIN! / [[Ray blows out a hit]]
/ Ray: No, his stuff is even dumber. It's like, < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01082007 |
| Van Practice | [[We see Téodor and Mr. Bear. Téodor holds a stopwatch.]]
/ Mr. Bear: What's with all the asparagus?
/ Téodor: It's for Todd. / Todd's voice: Quit yappin' and get ready, Téodor! This one's gonna be good!
/ Téodor: Go, then! / [[Todd's van slaloms through upright asparagus]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01092002 |
| Achewood - January 9, 2003 | [[Roast Beef is helping the drunk Ray walk. At the bar, Showbiz sees him.]]
/ Showbiz: RAY?! I didn't know YOU were here! Let's get this party started!
/ Roast Beef: Look uh Showbiz Ray is in pretty bad shape
/ Roast Beef: You know any place we could go to freshen up for the night / Showbiz: Hey RAY! 'Member some 'a the DRINKS we used to make as KIDS?
/ [[Ray perks up.]]
/ Ray: Hah! Quiz me, Biz! / [[Roast Beef shuts his eyes tight.]]
/ Showbiz: Alright, smart guy! What's in a... Satellite TV!
/ RAy: HAH! A hard boiled egg stuck with toothpicks, olives on the end of the toothpicks! Gin... to cover! / Showbiz: Heh! How 'bout... The Drink of Tomorrow!
/ Ray: Blue curacao with Styrofoam peanuts! Ha ha! / Showbiz: You remember The Devil's Dictionary?
/ Ray: Whoo boy! Tequila while you watchin' the SPICE channel! And you gotta be... / [[They simultaneously pump both arms and shout.]]
/ Showbiz and Ray: ...hella yellin' about the sex! / {{Alt text: the Hocket Hair - Labatt's with a pickle in it}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01092003 |
| Achewood - January 9, 2003 | [[Roast Beef is helping the drunk Ray walk. At the bar, Showbiz sees him.]]
/ Showbiz: RAY?! I didn't know YOU were here! Let's get this party started!
/ Roast Beef: Look uh Showbiz Ray is in pretty bad shape
/ Roast Beef: You know any place we could go to freshen up for the night / Showbiz: Hey RAY! 'Member some 'a the DRINKS we used to make as KIDS?
/ [[Ray perks up.]]
/ Ray: Hah! Quiz me, Biz! / [[Roast Beef shuts his eyes tight.]]
/ Showbiz: Alright, smart guy! What's in a... Satellite TV!
/ RAy: HAH! A hard boiled egg stuck with toothpicks, olives on the end of the toothpicks! Gin... to cover! / Showbiz: Heh! How 'bout... The Drink of Tomorrow!
/ Ray: Blue curacao with Styrofoam peanuts! Ha ha! / Showbiz: You remember The Devil's Dictionary?
/ Ray: Whoo boy! Tequila while you watchin' the SPICE channel! And you gotta be... / [[They simultaneously pump both arms and shout.]]
/ Showbiz and Ray: ...hella yellin' about the sex! / {{Alt text: the Hocket Hair - Labatt's with a pickle in it}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01092003 |
| Achewood - January 9, 2003 | [[Roast Beef is helping the drunk Ray walk. At the bar, Showbiz sees him.]]
/ Showbiz: RAY?! I didn't know YOU were here! Let's get this party started!
/ Roast Beef: Look uh Showbiz Ray is in pretty bad shape
/ Roast Beef: You know any place we could go to freshen up for the night / Showbiz: Hey RAY! 'Member some 'a the DRINKS we used to make as KIDS?
/ [[Ray perks up.]]
/ Ray: Hah! Quiz me, Biz! / [[Roast Beef shuts his eyes tight.]]
/ Showbiz: Alright, smart guy! What's in a... Satellite TV!
/ RAy: HAH! A hard boiled egg stuck with toothpicks, olives on the end of the toothpicks! Gin... to cover! / Showbiz: Heh! How 'bout... The Drink of Tomorrow!
/ Ray: Blue curacao with Styrofoam peanuts! Ha ha! / Showbiz: You remember The Devil's Dictionary?
/ Ray: Whoo boy! Tequila while you watchin' the SPICE channel! And you gotta be... / [[They simultaneously pump both arms and shout.]]
/ Showbiz and Ray: ...hella yellin' about the sex! / {{Alt text: the Hocket Hair - Labatt's with a pickle in it}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01092003 |
| Achewood - January 9, 2003 | [[Roast Beef is helping the drunk Ray walk. At the bar, Showbiz sees him.]]
/ Showbiz: RAY?! I didn't know YOU were here! Let's get this party started!
/ Roast Beef: Look uh Showbiz Ray is in pretty bad shape
/ Roast Beef: You know any place we could go to freshen up for the night / Showbiz: Hey RAY! 'Member some 'a the DRINKS we used to make as KIDS?
/ [[Ray perks up.]]
/ Ray: Hah! Quiz me, Biz! / [[Roast Beef shuts his eyes tight.]]
/ Showbiz: Alright, smart guy! What's in a... Satellite TV!
/ RAy: HAH! A hard boiled egg stuck with toothpicks, olives on the end of the toothpicks! Gin... to cover! / Showbiz: Heh! How 'bout... The Drink of Tomorrow!
/ Ray: Blue curacao with Styrofoam peanuts! Ha ha! / Showbiz: You remember The Devil's Dictionary?
/ Ray: Whoo boy! Tequila while you watchin' the SPICE channel! And you gotta be... / [[They simultaneously pump both arms and shout.]]
/ Showbiz and Ray: ...hella yellin' about the sex! / {{Alt text: the Hocket Hair - Labatt's with a pickle in it}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01092003 |
| Achewood - January 9, 2003 | [[Roast Beef is helping the drunk Ray walk. At the bar, Showbiz sees him.]]
/ Showbiz: RAY?! I didn't know YOU were here! Let's get this party started!
/ Roast Beef: Look uh Showbiz Ray is in pretty bad shape
/ Roast Beef: You know any place we could go to freshen up for the night / Showbiz: Hey RAY! 'Member some 'a the DRINKS we used to make as KIDS?
/ [[Ray perks up.]]
/ Ray: Hah! Quiz me, Biz! / [[Roast Beef shuts his eyes tight.]]
/ Showbiz: Alright, smart guy! What's in a... Satellite TV!
/ RAy: HAH! A hard boiled egg stuck with toothpicks, olives on the end of the toothpicks! Gin... to cover! / Showbiz: Heh! How 'bout... The Drink of Tomorrow!
/ Ray: Blue curacao with Styrofoam peanuts! Ha ha! / Showbiz: You remember The Devil's Dictionary?
/ Ray: Whoo boy! Tequila while you watchin' the SPICE channel! And you gotta be... / [[They simultaneously pump both arms and shout.]]
/ Showbiz and Ray: ...hella yellin' about the sex! / {{Alt text: the Hocket Hair - Labatt's with a pickle in it}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01092003 |
| Achewood - January 9, 2004 | [[Ray standing in his pool, with phone to his ear]]
/ Ray: You found what, Teodor? / Ray: Naw, Man! I don't use no chumpy Yahoo personals. Talk about your people who eat nachos at every meal! / [[Close up of Ray's face, phone to his ear]]
/ Ray: Of COURSE I think that people who use Yahoo Personals eat nachos at each meal. Hypocrite?! Hey, that was my BIRTHDAY, asshole! / [[Zoomed out overhead of Ray's place]]
/ Ray: Hold on now. This ad has a PICTURE of me? Doin' what? / [[Closeup of Ray's martini]]
/ Ray: "It looks like I'm bragging." Huh. Thanks, T. Say, are you all split on green? Is this some kind of low shenanigan? / [[Ray at his computer -- SOON.]]
/ Ray, internally: Aw man! Some internet guy is saying that I like to pour wine along my pecker! I HATE days like today. / {{title textr: Every Good Boy Deserves Good Nachos (dropped tuning)}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01092004 |
| Achewood - January 9, 2004 | [[Ray standing in his pool, with phone to his ear]]
/ Ray: You found what, Teodor? / Ray: Naw, man! I don't use no chumpy Yahoo Personals! Talk about your people who eat Nachos at every meal! / [[Close up of Ray's face, phone to his ear]]
/ Ray: Of COURSE I think that people who use Yahoo Personals eat Nachos at each meal. Hypocrite?! Hey, that was my BIRTHDAY, asshole! / [[Zoomed out overhead of Ray's place]]
/ Ray: Hold on now, this ad has a PICTURE of me? Doin' what? / [[Closeup of Ray's martini]]
/ Ray: "It looks like I'm bragging." Huh. Thanks, T. Say, are you all split on green? Is this some kind of low shenanigan? / [[Ray at his computer -- SOON.]]
/ Ray, internally: Aw man! Some Internet guy is saying that I like to pour wine along my pecker! I HATE days like today. / {{title textr: Every Good Boy Deserves Good Nachos (dropped tuning)}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01092004 |
| Achewood - January 9, 2004 | [[Ray standing in his pool, with phone to his ear]]
/ Ray: You found what, Teodor? / Ray: Naw, Man! I don't use no chumpy Yahoo personals. Talk about your people who eat nachos at every meal! / [[Close up of Ray's face, phone to his ear]]
/ Ray: Of COURSE I think that people who use Yahoo Personals eat nachos at each meal. Hypocrite?! Hey, that was my BIRTHDAY, asshole! / [[Zoomed out overhead of Ray's place]]
/ Ray: Hold on now. This ad has a PICTURE of me? Doin' what? / [[Closeup of Ray's martini]]
/ Ray: "It looks like I'm bragging." Huh. Thanks, T. Say, are you all split on green? Is this some kind of low shenanigan? / [[Ray at his computer -- SOON.]]
/ Ray, internally: Aw man! Some internet guy is saying that I like to pour wine along my pecker! I HATE days like today. / {{title textr: Every Good Boy Deserves Good Nachos (dropped tuning)}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01092004 |
| Achewood - January 9, 2007 | [[Teodor and Ray are stoned]]
/ Teodor: THE BOILING LOG / THAT CRUSHED THE ORC / DID BEAR THE WIZARD'S HEX! / Ray: Say, man! Why not set this stuff to a hip-hop beat! / Teodor: Dude, did you just invent... hip-hobbit? / Ray: I...I think I did, dude! Daaamn! Look at this man! / [[Ray points to self]] / Teodor: Beat box my dwarf-core, dude! Ready? / Ray: (beatboxing) uh-pfuh uh-pssssh uh-pfuh uh-pssssh / {{title text: A log cannot be boiling. That is incorrect.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01092007 |
| Achewood - January 9, 2007 | [[Teodor and Ray are bleary eyed and stoned]]
/ Teodor: THE BOILING LOG / THAT CRUSHED THE ORC / DID BEAR THE WIZARD'S HEX! / Ray: Say, man! Why not set this stuff to a hip-hop beat! / Teodor: Dude, did you just invent... hip-hobbit? / Ray: I...I think I did, dude! Daaamn! Look at this man! / [[Ray points to self]] / Teodor: Beat box my dwarf-core, dude! Ready? / Ray: (beatboxing) uh-pfuh uh-pssssh uh-pfuh uh-pssssh / {{title text: A log cannot be boiling. That is incorrect.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01092007 |
| Achewood - January 9, 2007 | [[Teodor and Ray are stoned]]
/ Teodor: THE BOILING LOG / THAT CRUSHED THE ORC / DID BEAR THE WIZARD'S HEX! / Ray: Say, man! Why not set this stuff to a hip-hop beat! / Teodor: Dude, did you just invent... hip-hobbit? / Ray: I...I think I did, dude! Daaamn! Look at this man! / [[Ray points to himself]] / Teodor: Beat box my dwarf-core, dude! Ready? / Ray: (beatboxing) uh-pfuh uh-pssssh uh-pfuh uh-pssssh / {{title text: A log cannot be boiling. That is incorrect.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01092007 |
| Achewood - January 9, 2008 | [[Ray is seated stage left reading a newspaper, Roast Beef is standing stage right with a beer in his hand, looking sympathetic]] Roast Beef: So I heard you're monk dimin' Ray that is rough miles / Have you looked into Rogaine and plugs such as that / Ray: At first, yeah. It was hard to come to where I'm at now. Lots of long walks, lots of late-night calls. But I'm resigned to it. I'm at peace with this process.
/ Roast Beef: That must have been a raw while man / Ray: Look at it this way. If you think about it, what was the worst aspect of the 1980s? < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01092008 |
| The dirtiest dudes in town | [[T?odor approaches three cats standing together]]
/ T?odor: What's up, fellas?
/ Pat: We be talkin' dirty! / T?odor: Oh, man! I want in on that! / Pat: Do you think you can hang with the dirtiest dudes in town? / T?odor: Sure!
/ Pat: Then say the dirtiest thing you can. / [[T?odor says something dirty, blacked out - "Shivering Anus." It shocks these cats.]] / Pat: Man, that was dirty!
/ Ray: Where'd you learn to talk that way, boy? / {{title text: The main idea is that the cats are standing on their hind legs.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01102002 |
| The dirtiest dudes in town | [[T?odor approaches three cats standing together]]
/ T?odor: What's up, fellas?
/ Pat: We be talkin' dirty! / T?odor: Oh, man! I want in on that! / Pat: Do you think you can hang with the dirtiest dudes in town? / T?odor: Sure!
/ Pat: Then say the dirtiest thing you can. / [[T?odor says something dirty, blacked out - "Shivering Anus." It shocks these cats.]] / Pat: Man, that was dirty!
/ Ray: Where'd you learn to talk that way, boy? / {{title text: The main idea is that the cats are standing on their hind legs.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01102002 |
| The dirtiest dudes in town | [[T?odor approaches three cats standing together]]
/ T?odor: What's up, fellas?
/ Pat: We be talkin' dirty! / T?odor: Oh, man! I want in on that! / Pat: Do you think you can hang with the dirtiest dudes in town? / T?odor: Sure!
/ Pat: Then say the dirtiest thing you can. / [[T?odor says something dirty, blacked out - "Shivering Anus." It shocks these cats.]] / Pat: Man, that was dirty!
/ Ray: Where'd you learn to talk that way, boy? / {{title text: The main idea is that the cats are standing on their hind legs.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01102002 |
| Hi Grandma! | [[PREFACE. I have recently been informed that my grandmother has found out about my strip and plans to start reading it. Please enjoy our new format.]] / Teodor: What are you doing, Philippe?
/ Philippe: I'm studying about my family! / Teodor: Oh! That's good!
/ Philippe: I know! It's important! / Teodor: So, do you want to get up at 5 tomorrow, or sleep in until 6?
/ Philippe: Oh, better make it five! I was going to take some of the neighborhood kids to breakfast before work. / Teodor: Okay, I'll wake you when I get back from 4 o'clock mass. / Philippe: Oh! Better take me with you. I want to pray. /
/ {{Alt text: ON MONDAY WE REMINISCE ABOUT WHEN I USED TO LIKE IZOD A LOT}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01102003 |
| It's a Go (To)fuck Yourself Monday | [[Ray is sitting at his computer, talking on the phone, martini class at his side]]
/ Ray: Pat! Why'd you send me an "E-vite" just to come over for lunch? / Ray: Why you think you need to document my reply? You think I'm gonna say yes and then bail? / Ray: No I didn't! I never bailed on you for lunch before. / Ray: Oh, that's right. I guess I did.
/ But that was only after I found out you were making Tofurters and oven fries. / Ray: Dude, your oven fries suck! I feel like Mrs. John Lithgow when I've got one of those things in my mouth! / Ray: What in hell do you THINK it means?! Oh, and I already GOT plans for tomorrow, so you can go Tofuck yourself! / {{Alt-text: I think you know what kind of Monday it is }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01102005 |
| It's a Go (To)fuck Yourself Monday | [[Ray is sitting at his computer, talking on the phone, martini glass at his side]]
/ Ray: Pat! Why'd you send me an "E-vite" just to come over for lunch? / [[Pat replies off-mike]] / Ray: Why you think you need to document my reply? You think I'm gonna say yes and then bail? / Ray: No I didn't! I never bailed on you for lunch before. / [[Ray listens to Pat's reply]] / Ray: Oh, that's right. I guess I did.
/ But that was only after I found out you were making Tofurters and oven fries. / Ray: Dude, your oven fries suck! I feel like Mrs. John Lithgow when I've got one of those things in my mouth! / Ray: What in hell do you THINK it means?! Oh, and I already GOT plans for tomorrow, so you can go Tofuck yourself! / {{Alt-text: I think you know what kind of Monday it is.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01102005 |
| It's a Go (To)fuck Yourself Monday | [[Ray is sitting at his computer, talking on the phone, martini glass at his side]] / Ray: Pat! Why'd you send me an "E-vite" just to come over for lunch? / Ray: Why you think you need to document my reply? You think I'm gonna say yes and then bail? / Ray: No I didn't! I never bailed on you for lunch before. / Ray: Oh, that's right. I guess I did.
/ But that was only after I found out you were making Tofurters and oven fries. / Ray: Dude, your oven fries suck! I feel like Mrs. John Lithgow when I've got one of those things in my mouth! / Ray: What in hell do you THINK it means?! Oh, and I already GOT plans for tomorrow, so you can go Tofuck yourself! / {{Alt-text: I think you know what kind of Monday it is }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01102005 |
| Helicopter Head Chop Off | [[Ray is looking at something on his computer.]]
/ Ray: Hey Beef! Come look at this picture of a guy who got killed by a helicopter! / [[Roast Beef is in another room, reading. He looks up from his book.]] / [[Roast Beef looks back down at his book.]] / [[Ray looks at the screen and is slightly grossed out.]] / [[Ray looks over to see if Roast Beef has come in.]] / Ray: Beef! You hear me? / [[Roast Beef concentrates on his book.]] / [[Ray at computer.]]
/ Ray: You busy? I can email it to you. You want that? Ain't no trouble. / [[Roast Beef is trying to concentrate but is starting to look angry.]] / Ray (from other room): Oh...crap. I just checked my membership agreement--they say I can't e-mail the pictures around.
/ [[Roast Beef rolls his eyes.]] / Ray (from other room): I'll just describe it to you. It's a military dude, and it looks like he's on the deck of an aircraft carrier, and the top half of his helmet is over by what looks like a little wet pile of pink marshmallows, only we know it's not marshmallows because it has an ear. And a sideburn.
/ [[Roast Beef closes his eyes tightly.]] / Ray (from other room): In the cool light of the windswept afternoon Colonel D. Allen, of the USS Demeter, kneels by the side of the fallen soldier's...hold on, dude. I'm gonna open up Microsoft Word. Somethin's happenin' here.
/ [[Roast Beef has exited the scene, leaving his book on the arm of the chair.]] / {{alt-text: This is a lot like how The Da Vinci Code came into being.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01102006 |
| Achewood - Chillin' by the window - January 11, 2002 | [[Ray and Roast Beef (though as yet un-named) stand outside smoking]]
/ Roast Beef: How was poker last night?
/ Ray: I won fifty-eight bucks off the dog! That stupid bastard. / Roast Beef: Hah! Was he wearing that retarded sweater?
/ Ray: Of course! / [[Lyle appears at a window]]
/ Lyle: Hey guys, I'm tryin' to sleep in here. / Roast Beef: Hey Lyle, what's up?
/ Ray: 'sup, Pops? / Lyle: Not much. Nice work on the dog, Ray.
/ Ray: Eh, it was nothin'. / Lyle: We still on for drinkin' tonight?
/ Roast Beef: We'll be over after Survivor, cool? / {{title text: Dave Thomas is dead and I didn't have the guts to make a strip about it}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01112002 |
| Achewood - January 11, 2005 | [[Ray has just swung his legs to the floor from his double bed]] Ray: Yaaaaaaaawn! Yawn yawn yawny-yawn! / Ray: Oh, that's right! I put 2,000 Flushes in the toilet last night! I can't wait to see the great blue color that it made! / [[Ray is walking down his hallway]] Ray: Hooray, man! Today already rocks! / [[Ray is looking into his toilet, he thinks to himself]] Ray: Man, that is one hell of a beautiful color. Bless the baby angel who is in charge of days like today. / [[Ray stands at the top of the stairs, one hand on hip, one on door frame]] Ray: Roast Beef! Get up here! Check out this! / [[Roast Beef is at the bottom of the stairs, looking up at Ray]] Roast Beef: What / Ray: You want to go on a little mini vacation to paradise? Come look in my toilet, dude! / [[Roast Beef and Ray are now both standing above the toilet, looking into the bowl]] Roast Beef: Dang man I feel like there should be a little paper umbrella and some Bob Marley music
/ Ray: Wait right here! I'm gonna bring up the hibachi and call the fellows! http://achewood.com/?date=01112005 |
| Achewood - January 11, 2005 | [[Ray awakens one fine morning]]
/ Ray: Yaaaaaaawn! Yawn yawn yawny-yawn! / Ray: Oh, that's right!
/ Ray: I put 2,000 Flushes in the toilet last night! I can't wait to see the great blue color that it made! / [[Ray hustles down the hallway]]
/ Ray: Hooray, man! Today already rocks! / [[Ray enters the bathroom and gazes into the toilet. He thinks to himself:]]
/ Ray: Man, that is one hell of a beautiful color.
/ Ray: Bless the baby angel who is in charge of days like today. / Ray: Roast Beef! Get up here! Check out this! / Roast Beef: What / Ray: You want to go on a little mini-vacation to paradise? Come look in my toilet, dude! / [[Ray and Roast Beef stare reverently into the toilet]]
/ Roast Beef: Dang man I feel like there should be a little paper umbrella and some Bob Marley music
/ Ray: Wait right here! I'm gonna bring up the hibachi and call the fellows! / {{Alt: Don't let them fool ya, or even try to school ya! Oh, no!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01112005 |
| Achewood - January 11, 2005 | [[Ray awakens one fine morning]]
/ Ray: Yaaaaaaawn! Yawn yawn yawny-yawn! / Ray: Oh, that's right!
/ Ray: I put 2,000 Flushes in the toilet last night! I can't wait to see the great blue color that it made! / [[Ray hustles down the hallway]]
/ Ray: Hooray, man! Today already rocks! / [[Ray enters the bathroom and gazes into the toilet. He thinks to himself:]]
/ Ray: Man, that is one hell of a beautiful color.
/ Ray: Bless the baby angel who is in charge of days like today. / [[Ray hollers down the stairwell]]
/ Ray: Roast Beef! Get up here! Check out this! / [[Beef replies from the bottom of the stairs]]
/ Roast Beef: What / Ray: You want to go on a little mini-vacation to paradise? Come look in my toilet, dude! / [[Ray and Roast Beef stare reverently into the toilet]]
/ Roast Beef: Dang man I feel like there should be a little paper umbrella and some Bob Marley music
/ Ray: Wait right here! I'm gonna bring up the hibachi and call the fellows! / {{Alt: Don't let them fool ya, or even try to school ya! Oh, no!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01112005 |
| Todd's Ana-Tomix | Todd: R-R-Ray! I need six million bucks!
/ Ray: Excuse me, Todd? / Todd: T-T-Ta start this company I been dreamin' of! Ana-Tomix Car Concepts! I'm comin' to you first! / Ray: Anatomical car concepts, huh. Like those fake nutbags they got for hangin' off trailer hitches? / Todd: Yeah! Yeah! 'zzzackly! But dicksacks for cars is only the beginnin'!
/ Ray: Okay, okay. I'm listening. / Todd: I got this idea called Boy Dog! It's a modified brown golf bag you can strap unnerneath your ride! / Ray: Uh huh. And this represents the actual dog phallus, not just the dog's oat tote?
/ Todd: Yeah! Yeah! 'zzzackly! The whole ka-doodle! / Ray: Okay, alright. Keep goin'.
/ Todd: Well, that's my main best idea for n-n-now. / Ray: Okay then. Well. What I typically offer entrepreneurs at this stage is guidance, and maybe a tiny seed, or "angel," investment.
/ Todd: Whatever you got, m-m-man! / Ray: Todd, "Boy Dog" is compelling, but it doesn't cover the market. What about "Girl Dog?"
/ People obviously want to think that their cars can nail each other. That is a given. How well the business community addresses those needs is up to you and me. It's an exciting time. http://achewood.com/?date=01112006 |
| Todd's Ana-Tomix | Todd: R-R-Ray! I need six million bucks!
/ Ray: Excuse me, Todd? / Todd: T-T-Ta start this company I been dreamin' of! Ana-Tomix Car Concepts! I'm comin' to you first! / Ray: Anatomical car concepts, huh. Like those fake nutbags they got for hangin' off trailer hitches? / Todd: Yeah! Yeah! 'zzzackly! But dicksacks for cars is only the beginnin'!
/ Ray: Okay, okay. I'm listening. / Todd: I got this idea called Boy Dog! It's a modified brown golf bag you can strap unnerneath your ride! / Ray: Uh huh. And this represents the actual dog phallus, not just the dog's oat tote?
/ Todd: Yeah! Yeah! 'zzzackly! The whole ka-doodle! / Ray: Okay, alright. Keep goin'.
/ Todd: Well, that's my main best idea for n-n-now. / Ray: Okay then. Well. What I typically offer entrepreneurs at this stage is guidance, and maybe a tiny seed, or "angel," investment.
/ Todd: Whatever you got, m-m-man! / Ray: Todd, "Boy Dog" is compelling, but it doesn't cover the market. What about "Girl Dog?"
/ People obviously want to think that their cars can nail each other. That is a given. How well the business community addresses those needs is up to you and me. It's an exciting time. http://achewood.com/?date=01112006 |
| Achewood - January 11, 2006 | TODD: R-R-Ray! I need six million bucks!
/ RAY: Excuse me, Todd? / TODD: T-T-Ta start this company I been dreamin' of! Ana-Tomix Car Concepts! I'm comin' to you first! / RAY: Anatomical car concepts, huh. Like those fake nutbags they got for hangin' off trailer hitches? / TODD: Yeah! Yeah! 'zzzackly! But dicksacks for cars is only the beginnin'!
/ RAY: Okay, okay. I'm listening. / TODD: I got this idea called Boy Dog! It's a modified brown golf bag you can strap underneath your ride! / RAY: Uh huh. And this represents the actual dog phallus, not just the dog's oat tote?
/ TODD: Yeah! Yeah! 'zzzackly! The whole ka-doodle! / RAY: Okay, alright. Keep goin'.
/ TODD: Well, that's my main best idea for n-n-now. / RAY: Okay then. Well. What I typically offer entrepeneurs at this stage is guidance, and maybe a tiny seed, or "angel," investment.
/ TODD: Whatever you got, m-m-man! / RAY: Todd, "Boy Dog" is compelling, but it doesn't cover the market. What about "Girl Dog"? People obviously want to think that their cars can nail each other. That is a given. How well the business community addresses those needs is up to you and me. It's an exciting time. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01112006 |
| Achewood - January 11, 2007 | [[Nice Pete in foreground, cringing with pipe and lighter in hand, listening to Teodor and Ray in the far background; all are still on the roof.]]
/ Teodor: HIDDEN IN HIS LABYRINTH, HE DINED ON COELACANTH! / [[Ray, beat-boxing.]]
/ Ray: uh-pfuh / Ray: uh-pssssh / Ray: uh-pfuh / Ray: uh-pssssh / [[Ray raises his arms; music is evident.]]
/ Ray: THAT WIZ-ARD... HE ATE IT... HE ATE THAT COELACANTH! < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01112007 |
| Achewood - January 11, 2007 | [[Nice Pete in foreground, cringing with pipe and lighter in hand, listening to Teodor and Ray in the far background; all are still on the roof.]]
/ Teodor: HIDDEN IN HIS LABYRINTH, HE DINED ON COELACANTH! / [[Ray, beat-boxing.]]
/ Ray: uh-pfuh / Ray: uh-pssssh / Ray: uh-pfuh / Ray: uh-pssssh / [[Ray raises his arms; music is evident.]]
/ Ray: THAT WIZ-ARD... HE ATE IT... HE ATE THAT COELACANTH! < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01112007 |
| Achewood - January 11, 2007 | [[Nice Pete in foreground, cringing with pipe and lighter in hand, listening to Teodor and Ray in the far background; all are still on the roof.]]
/ Teodor: HIDDEN IN HIS LABYRINTH, HE DINED ON COELACANTH! / [[Ray, beat-boxing.]]
/ Ray: uh-pfuh / Ray: uh-pssssh / Ray: uh-pfuh / Ray: uh-pssssh / [[Ray raises his arms; music is evident.]]
/ Ray: THAT WIZ-ARD... HE ATE IT... HE ATE THAT COELACANTH! < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01112007 |
| Achewood - January 11, 2007 | [[Nice Pete in foreground, cringing with pipe and lighter in hand, listening to Teodor and Ray in the far background; all are still on the roof.]]
/ Teodor: HIDDEN IN HIS LABYRINTH, HE DINED ON COELACANTH! / [[Ray, beat-boxing.]]
/ Ray: uh-pfuh / Ray: uh-pssssh / Ray: uh-pfuh / Ray: uh-pssssh / [[Ray raises his arms; music is evident.]]
/ Ray: THAT WIZ-ARD... HE ATE IT... HE ATE THAT COELACANTH! < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01112007 |
| Achewood - January 11, 2007 | [[Nice Pete in foreground, cringing with pipe and lighter in hand, listening to Teodor and Ray in the far background; all are still on the roof.]]
/ Teodor: HIDDEN IN HIS LABYRINTH, HE DINED ON COELACANTH! / [[Ray, beat-boxing.]]
/ Ray: uh-pfuh / Ray: uh-pssssh / Ray: uh-pfuh / Ray: uh-pssssh / [[Ray raises his arms; music is evident.]]
/ Ray: THAT WIZ-ARD... HE ATE IT... HE ATE THAT COELACANTH! < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01112007 |
| Achewood - January 11, 2007 | [[Nice Pete in foreground, cringing with pipe and lighter in hand, listening to Teodor and Ray in the far background; all are still on the roof.]]
/ Teodor: HIDDEN IN HIS LABYRINTH, HE DINED ON COELACANTH! / [[Ray, beat-boxing.]]
/ Ray: uh-pfuh / Ray: uh-pssssh / Ray: uh-pfuh / Ray: uh-pssssh / [[Ray raises his arms; music is evident.]]
/ Ray: THAT WIZ-ARD... HE ATE IT... HE ATE THAT COELACANTH! < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01112007 |
| Achewood - January 11, 2007 | [[Nice Pete in foreground, cringing with pipe and lighter in hand, listening to Teodor and Ray in the far background; all are still on the roof.]]
/ Teodor: HIDDEN IN HIS LABYRINTH, HE DINED ON COELACANTH! / [[Ray, beat-boxing.]]
/ Ray: uh-pfuh / Ray: uh-pssssh / Ray: uh-pfuh / Ray: uh-pssssh / [[Ray raises his arms; music is evident.]]
/ Ray: THAT WIZ-ARD... HE ATE IT... HE ATE THAT COELACANTH! < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01112007 |
| Achewood - January 11, 2007 | [[Nice Pete in foreground, cringing with pipe and lighter in hand, listening to Teodor and Ray in the far background; all are still on the roof.]]
/ Teodor: HIDDEN IN HIS LABYRINTH, HE DINED ON COELACANTH! / [[Ray, beat-boxing.]]
/ Ray: uh-pfuh / Ray: uh-pssssh / Ray: uh-pfuh / Ray: uh-pssssh / [[Ray raises his arms; music is evident.]]
/ Ray: THAT WIZ-ARD... HE ATE IT... HE ATE THAT COELACANTH! < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01112007 |
| Achewood - January 11, 2007 | [[Nice Pete in foreground, cringing with pipe and lighter in hand, listening to Teodor and Ray in the far background; all are still on the roof.]]
/ Teodor: HIDDEN IN HIS LABYRINTH, HE DINED ON COELACANTH! / [[Ray, beat-boxing.]]
/ Ray: uh-pfuh / Ray: uh-pssssh / Ray: uh-pfuh / Ray: uh-pssssh / [[Ray raises his arms; music is evident.]]
/ Ray: THAT WIZ-ARD... HE ATE IT... HE ATE THAT COELACANTH! < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01112007 |
| Achewood - January 11, 2007 | [[Nice Pete in foreground, cringing with pipe and lighter in hand, listening to Teodor and Ray in the far background; all are still on the roof.]]
/ Teodor: HIDDEN IN HIS LABYRINTH, HE DINED ON COELACANTH! / [[Ray, beat-boxing.]]
/ Ray: uh-pfuh / Ray: uh-pssssh / Ray: uh-pfuh / Ray: uh-pssssh / [[Ray raises his arms; music is evident.]]
/ Ray: THAT WIZ-ARD... HE ATE IT... HE ATE THAT COELACANTH! < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01112007 |
| Achewood - January 11, 2007 | [[Nice Pete in foreground, cringing with pipe and lighter in hand, listening to Teodor and Ray in the far background; all are still on the roof.]]
/ Teodor: HIDDEN IN HIS LABYRINTH, HE DINED ON COELACANTH! / [[Ray, beat-boxing.]]
/ Ray: uh-pfuh / Ray: uh-pssssh / Ray: uh-pfuh / Ray: uh-pssssh / [[Ray raises his arms; music is evident.]]
/ Ray: THAT WIZ-ARD... HE ATE IT... HE ATE THAT COELACANTH! < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01112007 |
| Achewood - January 11, 2007 | [[Nice Pete in foreground, cringing with pipe and lighter in hand, listening to Teodor and Ray in the far background; all are still on the roof.]]
/ Teodor: HIDDEN IN HIS LABYRINTH, HE DINED ON COELACANTH! / [[Ray, beat-boxing.]]
/ Ray: uh-pfuh / Ray: uh-pssssh / Ray: uh-pfuh / Ray: uh-pssssh / [[Ray raises his arms; music is evident.]]
/ Ray: THAT WIZ-ARD... HE ATE IT... HE ATE THAT COELACANTH! < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01112007 |
| Achewood - January 11, 2007 | [[Nice Pete in foreground, cringing with pipe and lighter in hand, listening to Teodor and Ray in the far background; all are still on the roof.]]
/ Teodor: HIDDEN IN HIS LABYRINTH, HE DINED ON COELACANTH! / [[Ray, beat-boxing.]]
/ Ray: uh-pfuh / Ray: uh-pssssh / Ray: uh-pfuh / Ray: uh-pssssh / [[Ray raises his arms; music is evident.]]
/ Ray: THAT WIZ-ARD... HE ATE IT... HE ATE THAT COELACANTH! < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01112007 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01112008">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01112008 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - January 12, 2004 | [[Ray is talking to Roast Beef on a cell phone, a bruise on his cheek and a martini glass in hand]]
/ Ray: Beef, you gotta help me!
/ I got my ass beat down by almost seven Puerto Rican chicks today! / Roast Beef, over phone: Did you provoke them?
/ Ray: Naw, man! They read that fake Yahoo personals ad and thought that was my thing! / Roast Beef: So what you need an ice pack or something
/ Ray: You gotta hack into Yahoo and delete this ad, Beef! / [[Roast Beef is seen at his computer in silhouette, smoking a cigarette]]
/ Roast Beef: Hm
/ Hack into Yahoo
/ It's hella risky Ray
/ What's in it for me / Ray, over phone: Remember that robotic vacuum we saw on TV?
/ Roast Beef: The Roomba Robotic Floor Vac.
/ I remember being particularly interested in the Pro-Elite model. / [[Back in the house, Ray's brows are furrowed with determination]]
/ Ray: One up front and one when the job is done. / [[A close-up of Roast Beef's hand putting out a cigarette in an ashtray]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01122004 |
| Achewood - January 12, 2004 | [[Ray is talking to Roast Beef on a cell phone, a bruise on his cheek and a martini glass in hand]]
/ Ray: Beef, you gotta help me!
/ I got my ass beat down by almost seven Puerto Rican chicks today! / Roast Beef, over phone: Did you provoke them?
/ Ray: Naw, man! They read that fake Yahoo personals ad and thought that was my thing! / Roast Beef: So what you need an ice pack or something
/ Ray: You gotta hack into Yahoo and delete this ad, Beef! / [[Roast Beef is seen at his computer in silhouette, smoking a cigarette]]
/ Roast Beef: Hm
/ Hack into Yahoo
/ It's hella risky Ray
/ What's in it for me / Ray, over phone: Remember that robotic vacuum we saw on TV?
/ Roast Beef: The Roomba Robotic Floor Vac.
/ I remember being particularly interested in the Pro-Elite model. / [[Back in the house, Ray's brows are furrowed with determination]]
/ Ray: One up front and one when the job is done. / [[A close-up of Roast Beef's hand putting out a cigarette in an ashtray]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01122004 |
| Achewood - January 12, 2005 | [[Ray is seated on an upturned bucket between the toilet and the wall, on the cistern to his left, his martini, also an old school stereo playing tunes. Todd is in front of the toilet, drink in hand, Roast Beef is standing to the other side, drinking a beer next to a small barbeque, that has sizzling meat products upon it.]] Ray: Yeah, Teodor. Just lay your coat on the bed. That Brioni?
/ Roast Beef: Hey man / [[Teodor, in a turtleneck with a T on it, is standing to the left of roast beef]] Teodor: Wow! Todd! I haven't seen you in a while! Are you fat now? / [[Todd; close up]] Todd: N-N-No! I'm carryin' Tony H's prison baby, fuckface! 'Course I'm fat! Bein' fat rocks! / [[Roast Beef; close up]] Roast Beef: Dogg being fat is rough on your triglycerides and metabolism. There was this one interview with Russell Crowe after The Insider where he said that even after losing the weight he put on for that part he- / [[Todd; close up, he's spilling his near-empty drink]] Todd: Like I give a shit, snot-cock! Put a sock in it and pass me another eight hundo! / [[Back to group scene, Todd is drinking, Ray has Martini in hand, Ray, Roast Beef and Teodor all are looking at Todd]] Todd: < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01122005 |
| Achewood - January 12, 2005 | [[Ray is seated on an upturned bucket between the toilet and the wall. On the cistern to his left, his martini, also an old-school portable stereo playing tunes. Todd is in front of the toilet, drink in hand, and Roast Beef is standing to the other side drinking a beer next to a hibachi with various things grilling on it.]] Ray: Yeah, Teodor. Just lay your coat on the bed. That Brioni?
/ Roast Beef: Hey man / [[Teodor, in a turtleneck with a T on it, is standing to the left of Roast Beef]] Teodor: Wow! Todd! I haven't seen you in a while! Are you fat now? / [[Todd; close up]] Todd: N-N-No! I'm carryin' Tony H's prison baby, fuckface! 'Course I'm fat! Bein' fat rocks! / [[Roast Beef; close up]] Roast Beef: Dogg being fat is rough on your triglycerides and metabolism
/ Roast Beef: There was this one interview with Russell Crowe after The Insider where he said that even after losing the weight he put on for that part he- / [[Todd; close up, emptying his malt liquor dregs on the bathroom floor]] Todd: Like I give a shit, snot-cock! Put a sock in it and pass me another eight hundo! / [[Back to group scene, Todd is drinking, Ray has Martini in hand, Ray, Roast Beef and Teodor all are looking at Todd]] Todd: < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01122005 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/?date=01122006">http://achewood.com/?date=01122006 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - January 12, 2007 - Nice Pete's iKill | [[An iMac sits next to a nondescript white box on a table. An error dialog is on the screen.]] / [[The white box is revealed to have a blade sticking out of it and a belt attached to strap it to something or someone.]] / [[Nice Pete reads a manual with an eyebrow raised.]] / [[Ray and Téodor are restrained on a wall, looking surprised and worried.]] / Nice Pete: Either of you boys know what "please locate the correct USB driver for this device" means? / Téodor: Yeah, uh, a driver is a small file that tells the computer how to communicate with specific types of hardw--
/ Ray, to Téodor: dude! / {{title text: His jackassed developer forgot to give him the final rev of the driver!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01122007 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/?date=01122009">http://achewood.com/?date=01122009 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - January 13, 2003 | [[Ray, Roast Beef and Showbiz stand outside of Louis XIV, a fancy restaurant.]]
/ Ray: Dang, this place looks fancy! / Ray: Come on guys--- Fanciest Dinner In The World! My treat! I'm serious! / Showbiz: This place ain't no good! It's got... uh... it's got... / Showbiz: This lady got... like... two rats in this one salad! They... they were gettin' it on under the lettuce! Missionary style! / Ray: Daaamn! I'm gettin' me some Scallops Flambé and crackin' us some Moët!
/ Roast Beef: That sounds good to me Let's eat / [[Showbiz leaves. Ray enters. Roast Beef follows, only to be accosted by a restaurant employee.]]
/ Employee: A very nice hair-cut, Mister Showbiz! But are you not coming in zee wrong door?
/ Roast Beef: Huh no sir I ain't-- / [[Roast Beef is shoved into the kitchen, where a stack of dirty dishes awaits.]]
/ Employee: GET BACK TO WORK! / {{it looks like showbiz's walkman was stolen}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01132003 |
| Achewood - January 13, 2004 | [[Roast Beef, in silhouette, at his computer and smoking a cigarette]] / Roast Beef [[thinking]]: First part of any good hack is through misdirection / Roast Beef [[thinking]]: Gonna rain down a DOS storm from some false Brunein IPs / Roast Beef [[thinking]]: Scan all ports in reverse Fibonacci sequence and run T.I.C.K.L.E scripts / [[Roast Beef picks up phone]]
/ Roast Beef [[thinking]]: Cause seventeen ham pizzas to be delivered to the Yahoo Network Operations Center in Sunnyvale / [[Close up on Roast Beef, in shadow, putting on a hat]]
/ Roast Beef [[thinking]]: ...the deliverman: a one Mr. R. Beef Kazenzakis / [[Roast Beef in collared shirt and hat by a rear loading dock, carrying 17 pizza boxes]]
/ Caption: soon / [[Close up on a note taped to the pizza boxes in the Yahoo Network Operations Center]]
/ Note: dear NOC'ers!
/ Note: Surpirse pizza party!
/ Note: Thanks for all your
/ Note: hard work. Odwalla
/ Note: in the "frigo."
/ Note - JERRY + Dave
/ [[In the background, Roast Beef sneaks away saying]]
/ Roast Beef: PIZZA'S HERE! / {{Alt text: Gut as Divining Rod}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01132004 |
| The Yahoo Ham Hack | [[Roast Beef, in silhouette, at his computer and smoking a cigarette]] / Roast Beef [[thinking]]: First part of any good hack is through misdirection / Roast Beef [[thinking]]: Gonna rain down a DOS storm from some false Brunein IPs / Roast Beef [[thinking]]: Scan all ports in reverse Fibonacci sequence and run T.I.C.K.L.E scripts / [[Roast Beef picks up phone]]
/ Roast Beef [[thinking]]: Cause seventeen ham pizzas to be delivered to the Yahoo Network Operations Center in Sunnyvale / [[Close up on Roast Beef, in shadow, putting on a hat]]
/ Roast Beef [[thinking]]: ...the deliverman: a one Mr. R. Beef Kazenzakis / [[Roast Beef in collared shirt and hat by a rear loading dock, carrying 17 pizza boxes]]
/ Caption: SOON / [[Roast beef running out door in the background]]
/ Roast Beef: PIZZA'S HERE!
/ [[Close up on a cursive note taped to the pizza boxes in the Yahoo Network Operations Center]]
/ Note: dear NOC'ers!
/ Surpirse pizza party!
/ Thanks for all your
/ hard work. Odwalla
/ in the "frigo."
/ Note - JERRY + David / {{Alt text: Gut as Divining Rod}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01132004 |
| Todd Shanks Pat | [[Ray, Pat, Teodor, Roast Beef, and Todd are all hanging out in Ray's bathroom, enjoying some meats on the grill, drinking fine liquors, and admiring Ray's blue toilet water.]]
/ Ray: Heyyyy, who invited Pat?
/ Pat: Very funny, Ray. Here, I brought some of my homemade chocolate-covered cherries. / Roast Beef: Dang man Pat I love on chocolate-covered cherries
/ Pat: Only take one! / Ray (whispering to Todd): I'm serious. Who?
/ Todd (whispering back): Frikkin' wasn't me! Guy sucks! / Roast Beef (spitting out the cherry): Uck pthaw what man what the hell is that that ain't chocolate-covered cherries / Pat: Oh, you know me, I can't resist improving the original while reducing fat and calories. I replaced the chocolate with potassium-enriched carob, / Pat: And instead of a nasty little cherry drenched in toxic alcohol, I've used prunes. It's 100% vegan. / Roast Beef: That flavor was insanely raunchy
/ Pat: Perhaps you'll want to take that back when I tell you that this recipe won a contest on the official MOBY website! / [[Todd shivs Pat in the leg.]]
/ Pat: AAAAIIIAUGH!
/ Todd: Shank 'em if ya got 'em, fellas! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01132005 |
| Todd Shanks Pat | [[Ray, Pat, Teodor, Roast Beef, and Todd are all hanging out in Ray's bathroom, enjoying some meats on the grill, drinking fine liquors, and admiring Ray's blue toilet water. Music plays from a boom box perched on the toilet tank.]]
/ Ray: Heyyyy, who invited Pat?
/ Pat: Very funny, Ray. Here, I brought some of my homemade chocolate-covered cherries. / Roast Beef: Dang man Pat I love on chocolate-covered cherries
/ Pat: Only take one! / Ray (whispering to Todd): I'm serious. Who?
/ Todd (whispering back): Frikkin' wasn't me! Guy sucks! / Roast Beef (spitting out the cherry): Uck pthaw what man what the hell is that that ain't chocolate-covered cherries / Pat: Oh, you know me, I can't resist improving the original while reducing fat and calories. I replaced the chocolate with potassium-enriched carob, / Pat: And instead of a nasty little cherry drenched in toxic alcohol, I've used prunes. It's 100% vegan. / Roast Beef: That flavor was insanely raunchy
/ Pat: Perhaps you'll want to take that back when I tell you that this recipe won a contest on the official MOBY website! / [[Todd shivs Pat in the leg.]]
/ Pat: AAAAIIIAUGH!
/ Todd: Shank 'em if ya got 'em, fellas! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01132005 |
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