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| Achewood - April 25, 2008 | [[An image of Roast Beef, looking downtrodden. Around him are the words "I Am Roast Beef. These Are My Cards. It's Not Like I Need to Know if You Care." Below, "Copyright Roast Beef Kazenzakis"]] / [[Beef is working on his computer]]
/ Roast Beef: [[thinking]] Man who says graphic design is hard that logo took six minutes and it's the best damn graphic design in the world
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04252008 |
| Achewood - April 25, 2008 | [[An image of Roast Beef, looking downtrodden. Around him are the words "I Am Roast Beef. These Are My Cards. It's Not Like I Need to Know if You Care." Below, "Copyright Roast Beef Kazenzakis"]] / [[Beef is working on his computer]]
/ Roast Beef: [[thinking]] Man who says graphic design is hard that logo took six minutes and it's the best damn graphic design in the world
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04252008 |
| Achewood - April 25, 2008 | [[An image of Roast Beef, looking downtrodden. Around him are the words "I Am Roast Beef. These Are My Cards. It's Not Like I Need to Know if You Care." Below, "Copyright Roast Beef Kazenzakis"]] / [[Beef is working on his computer]]
/ Roast Beef: [[thinking]] Man who says graphic design is hard that logo took six minutes and it's the best damn graphic design in the world
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04252008 |
| Achewood - April 26, 2002 | Heute auf Deutsch. / Teodor: Lyle, wo ist unser TV?
/ Lyle: Ich habe keine Idee.
/ [[subtitle]]"LYLE WHERE IS OUR TV."
/ [[subtitle]]"I HAVE NO IDEA" / Teodor: Ach! Es gibt ein Erscheinen über Blut heute abend.
/ [[subtitle]]"DAMN. THERE IS A SHOW ABOUT BLOOD TONIGHT." http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04262002 |
| Achewood - April 26, 2004 | [[Téodor approaches Cornelius, who is sitting at his typewriter.]]
/ TEODOR: Letter for you from Harlequin Romance. Want me to toss it?
/ CORNELIUS: Oh! No - that's my paycheck. / TEODOR: You're writing romance now?
/ CORNELIUS: The Mini needs a new clutch. / [[Cornelius hands Téodor a page over his shoulder.]]
/ TEODOR: Mind if I read some?
/ CORNELIUS: Judge the audience, not the author.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04262004 |
| Achewood - April 26, 2004 | [[Téodor approaches Cornelius, who is sitting at his typewriter.]]
/ TEODOR: Letter for you from Harlequin Romance. Want me to toss it?
/ CORNELIUS: Oh! No - that's my paycheck. / TEODOR: You're writing romance now?
/ CORNELIUS: The Mini needs a new clutch. / [[Cornelius hands Téodor a page over his shoulder.]]
/ TEODOR: Mind if I read some?
/ CORNELIUS: Judge the audience, not the author.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04262004 |
| Achewood - April 26, 2004 | [[Téodor approaches Cornelius, who is sitting at his typewriter.]]
/ TEODOR: Letter for you from Harlequin Romance. Want me to toss it?
/ CORNELIUS: Oh! No - that's my paycheck. / TEODOR: You're writing romance now?
/ CORNELIUS: The Mini needs a new clutch. / [[Cornelius hands Téodor a page over his shoulder.]]
/ TEODOR: Mind if I read some?
/ CORNELIUS: Judge the audience, not the author.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04262004 |
| Achewood - April 26, 2004 | [[Téodor approaches Cornelius, who is sitting at his typewriter.]]
/ TEODOR: Letter for you from Harlequin Romance. Want me to toss it?
/ CORNELIUS: Oh! No - that's my paycheck. / TEODOR: You're writing romance now?
/ CORNELIUS: The Mini needs a new clutch. / [[Cornelius hands Téodor a page over his shoulder.]]
/ TEODOR: Mind if I read some?
/ CORNELIUS: Judge the audience, not the author.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04262004 |
| Achewood - April 26, 2005 | [[Roast Beef and Molly at a French restaurant, looking at menus]]
/ Roast Beef: Dang Molly this place is completely fancy / Molly: It's your birthday treat! You deserve it, sweetheart!
/ Molly: Why don't you pick us out a nice wine. / Roast Beef: Dang I got like no idea of how to do that
/ Roast Beef: Do they have just such as Coronas / Molly: French restaurants don't have Corona. Choose a wine. / Waiter: Bon soirée, and welcome to Les Jamelles.
/ Waiter: May I start you off wis a bottle of wine? / Roast Beef: Oh yeah uh hi sir uh I would like a serving of your classiest wine
/ Waiter: Monsieur? / Roast Beef: Do...you have good wines ? / Waiter: Yes, we have an excellent selection. May I make a suggestion?
/ Roast Beef: That would be acceptable sir / Waiter: The '95 Mouton-Rothschild is at he's peak this year. / Roast Beef: Hm yes sir and this wine you mention will it make us look like dicks
/ Waiter: Pardon?
/ Molly: Beef! / Roast Beef: OH uh sorry year I didn't mean to blurt that out I just uh I ain't know too many wine terms
/ Waiter: Per'aps a more recent vintage, sir. / Roast Beef: Hm yes well then what is your most recent wine
/ Waiter: The 'ouse wines are on page sree. / Roast Beef: Are house wines considered pretty recent ? / Waiter: Many authority on the subject consider house wines to be extremely recent. / Roast Beef: Well then uh we would like three dollars each of your most recent wine
/ Waiter: Tres bien. Now I must take yo-yo or pet toad as collateral.
/ [[Molly smacks her forehead]] / {{title-text: Ordering wine is not easy if you are a poor man from bad circumstances}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04262005 |
| Achewood - April 26, 2007 | [[Ray stands proudly]]
/ Ray: These guys don't know this, but I got a special softball bat. To make today a thing. / [[Elvis softball bat]]
/ Ray: Clear liquid-filled acrylic with a young Elvis... / [[Bat upside down, Elvis's hair has fallen off]]
/ Turn him upside down and you see the rare situation of a bald Elvis. / [[Ray looking at bat]] / [[Ray tilting bat]] / [[Elvis's hair is falling off; Ray is amused]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04262007 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04262010">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04262010 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Ray's Romance Novel by Rick Dorado | [[Teodor is standing behind Cornelius, who is at his computer. Teodor is holding a piece of paper.]]
/ Teodor: You know, Ray wrote a romance novel a couple years back. He doesn't like to talk about it.
/ Cornelius: Really!
/ Teodor: Yeah. I think I have a copy in my room. / [[We see the cover of Ray's book, which features a photo of him lying in a bed with a military hat on, covered by a sheet, with a single rose at the foot of the bed. It reads:
/ DANGER
/ ...at 2 1/2 Feet
/ A Tale of Love in Time of War
/ by Rick Dorado]]
/ Cornelius: My Heavens! / [[We see the first page, which reads:
/ CHAPTER 1
/ Tanner Roland pulled his gleaming black Jeep Cherokee into the wide, still-dewy driveway of his soon-to-be father in law's house, where his fiancée lay asleep in her childhood room. He would leave for Operation Desert Storm at 08:00, but wanted to hand-deliver the letter he had spent all night writing.
/ He took off his smart beige pilot's dress cap and placed it over his heart as he pulled up the arm of the Orunagawa family mailbox. Mission accomplished, he backed out of the driveway and put his cap back on. He did not get far before he stopped the car so that he could get out and put on his grandfather's WWII flight jacket.]] / {{alt-text: IT WAS A DARK AND RAUNCHY NIGHT}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04272004 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/?date=04272005">http://achewood.com/?date=04272005 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - April 27, 2006 | [[Teodor enters the junkyard]]
/ Teodor: This is it? Where are the blood-vomiting winos and toothless huffer-sluts? / Teodor: Better get someplace high and look around / [[Teodor climbs a mountain of garbage]] / [[Teodor picks up a piece of garbage]]
/ Teodor: Oh my god! A piece of an old closet door with pages from Swedish Erotica #34 pasted to the inside! / Teodor: My friend Justin and I had this one when I was a kid...wow... / [[Teodor's eyes widen]] / [[Teodor drops the closet door, disgusted]] / [[Teodor brushes his hands off]] / MEANWHILE.
/ [[Philippe is messing with an old refrigerator]]
/ Philippe: UGGH! STUPID FRIDGE! STUPID HEAVY FRIDGE! STUPID JERK FRIDGE! / [[Philippe sets sail in a Coors beer cooler]]
/ Philippe: I'm coming, couch! I still love you! People care about you! You were always our friend! You matter! / [[Philippe sails along]] / [[Philippe is getting tired]] / [[Philippe falls asleep in the beer cooler]] / [[The lid closes]] / {{title text - I saw this actual porno trash shrine at the local dump one day about a year ago}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04272006 |
| Achewood - April 27, 2006 | [[Teodor enters the junkyard]]
/ Teodor: (thinking) This is it? Where are the blood-vomiting winos and toothless huffer-sluts? / Teodor: (thinking) Better get someplace high and look around / [[Teodor climbs a mountain of garbage]] / [[Teodor picks up a piece of garbage]]
/ Teodor: (thinking) Oh my god! A piece of an old closet door with pages from Swedish Erotica #34 pasted to the inside! / Teodor: (thinking) My friend Justin and I had this one when I was a kid...wow... / [[Teodor's eyes widen]] / [[Teodor drops the closet door, disgusted]] / [[Teodor brushes his hands off]] / MEANWHILE.
/ [[Philippe is messing with an old refrigerator]]
/ Philippe: UGGH! STUPID FRIDGE! STUPID HEAVY FRIDGE! STUPID JERK FRIDGE! / [[Philippe sets sail in a Coors beer cooler]]
/ Philippe: I'm coming, couch! I still love you! People care about you! You were always our friend! You matter! / [[Philippe sails along]] / [[Philippe is getting tired]] / [[Philippe falls asleep in the beer cooler]] / [[The lid closes]] / {{title text - I saw this actual porno trash shrine at the local dump one day about a year ago}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04272006 |
| Achewood - April 28, 2003 | [[Phillipe is in bed.]]
/ Phillipe: Maybe I should pray to Jesus and the Lord that the bed will be dry tomorrow! That's what Mom would say to do. / Phillipe: Dear God and Jesus, / Phillipe: I know that I peed in the bed last night. I am sure that this was part of your plan for me. / Phillipe: I have learned from this lesson. I will work hard to improve my life and the lives of others. / Phillipe: I will make meals for the homeless. / Phillipe: I will volunteer at rest homes, and help the elderly. / Phillipe: I'll watch movies with burn victims, and mist their eyes if they don't have any eyelids left. / [[Phillipe looks worried]] / Phillipe: Actually, instead of that last one I could just help at the library or something. / {{Alt Text: unblinking, they await Phillipe's help}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04282003 |
| Todd's Romance Novel | [[Todd is speaking with Cornelius and Téodor]]
/ Todd: H-Hey guys! Didja ever see MY romance novel?
/ Cornelius: When did you learn how to read and write, Todd? / [[Focus on Todd standing on top of his van. His friend Blister, the ghost squirrel, is beside it.]]
/ Todd: I didn't! It's one 'a them audio-books! / Blister: HEY I THINK IT'S IN THE TAPE DECK I'LL JUST REWIND IT / [[SOON. Cornelius and Téodor listen to Todd's romance novel.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04282004 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/?date=04282005">http://achewood.com/?date=04282005 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| eBay Platinum Reserve | [[Ray sits in an armchair. He has bags under his eyes]]
/ Ray: Daaamn! Seven AM and nobody around for omelettes! Maybe I'll just burn one and hit the hay.
/ Ray: Kids, always sleep stoned! / [[Ray takes a hit off his bong]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04282006 |
| Achewood - April 29, 2002 | [[Ray and Téodor are checking out Todd's van]]
/ Ray: Whoah, can't Todd read?
/ Téodor: I don't think so. Why? / Ray: Check this out! / [[Close-up of license plate and frame]]
/ Frame top: Suckin' Dick
/ Frame bottom: Bought This Van. / {{Alley-oop assistance: Mr. D. Perkins}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04292002 |
| Mehr Deutsch | [[Ray is pictured wearing a dog collar. Caption reads "heute auf Deutsch".]] / [[Ray is pictured with the dog collar, also wearing his thong, looking off into the distance. Next to him are three large hanging pocket watches. Under the pocket watches is the word ".....Perfektion".]]
/ Ray: Ich liebe mein Kultur
/ [[Captioned translation at bottom: My culture is beautiful]] / [[Ray is holding one of the pocket watches, the chain of which is still attached to something above the panel.]]
/ Ray: Aber, kann ich umsteigen?
/ [[Captioned translation: But it also has certain rules]] / [[Ray angrly holds the watch away; it has turned into a mirror.]]
/ Ray: nein.
/ [[Captioned translation: We can tour around the city on a bus]] / [[Ray punches through the mirror, which shatters.]] / [[Ray is sitting on the edge of an open grave in an empty field, with a blank headstone, sobbing. Captioned translation: But I would rather stage an [sic] sexual antic with you.]] / {{alt-text: But can I change? Nein.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04292003 |
| Mehr Deutsch | [[Ray is pictured wearing a dog collar. Caption reads "heute auf Deutsch".]] / [[Ray is pictured with the dog collar, also wearing his thong, looking off into the distance. Next to him are three large hanging pocket watches. Under the pocket watches is the word ".....Perfektion".]]
/ Ray: Ich liebe meine Kultur
/ [[Captioned translation at bottom: My culture is beautiful]] / [[Ray is holding one of the pocket watches, the chain of which is still attached to something above the panel.]]
/ Ray: Aber, kann ich umsteigen?
/ [[Captioned translation: But it also has certain rules]] / [[Ray angrly holds the watch away; it has turned into a mirror.]]
/ Ray: nein.
/ [[Captioned translation: We can tour around the city on a bus]] / [[Ray punches through the mirror, which shatters.]] / [[Ray is sitting on the edge of an open grave in an empty field, with a blank headstone, sobbing. Captioned translation: But I would rather stage an [sic] sexual antic with you.]] / {{alt-text: But can I change? Nein.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04292003 |
| Achewood § April 29, 2004 | [[Ray is sitting at his computer, on the phone, with a martini]]
/ Ray: Roast Beef! How do I protect my computer from Spy-Ware? / [[Roast beef is grilling a hot dog, on the phone, talking to Ray]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh uh you got to download Ad-Aware from Lavasoft.de
/ That program is the bitch / [[Ray again]]
/ Ray: So I just download it and it gets all the problems away? / [[Back to Roast Beef]]
/ Roast Beef: sigh
/ I'll be over in a minute / [[Roast Beef is over at Ray's, on his computer, looking concerned]]
/ Roast Beef: Dang Ray I never seen a computer so inftected as this
/ Ray: Don't snoop around! Just download the damn program! / Roast Beef: Jesus Christ Ray you go to some nasty websites what the hell man
/ I want to type through a napkin
/ Ray: I...I had to look a lotta stuff up for my advice column! / Roast Beef: I don't recall you advisin' any women on the subject of mashin' birthday cakes around under their bottoms / Roast Beef: Yet that is exactly what I see here
/ [[Ray looks disappointed with himself]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04292004 |
| Achewood - April 29, 2005 | [[Téodor 's soul rises from his dead body]]
/ Téodor: I...died? I died?
/ Téodor: This feeling... euphoric... / Téodor: A pervasive sense of relief...freedome from responsibility / [[Téodor's soul bumps into the ceiling]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04292005 |
| Achewood - April 29, 2005 | [[Téodor 's soul rises from his dead body]]
/ Téodor: I...died? I died?
/ Téodor: This feeling... euphoric... / Téodor: A pervasive sense of relief...freedom from responsibility / [[Téodor's soul bumps into the ceiling]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04292005 |
| Achewood - April 29, 2005 | [[Téodor 's soul rises from his dead body]]
/ Téodor: I...died? I died?
/ Téodor: This feeling... euphoric... / Téodor: A pervasive sense of relief...freedome from responsibility / [[Téodor's soul bumps into the ceiling]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04292005 |
| Achewood - April 29, 2008 | Phone voice: Uhhh yes, Mr. Kazant ... Kazant-sepsis? Thanks for holding.
/ Phone voice: I'm afraid my superiors here think that your cards are just too... "out there" to connect with Walgreens customers. / Roast Beef: SO YOU GONNA SHOVEL OUT ZOLOFT LIKE COAL INTO A STEAM ENGINE BUT YOU AIN'T GONNA SELL THE CARDS YOUR CUSTOMERS NEED BEFORE THE ZOLOFT KICKS IN HUH IS THAT IT! / Roast Beef thinks: Dang that makes me think of a card / {{Card: I Am Sorry I played it Huffy on the Phone}}
/ {{Card: (inside) It's just That Society Did My Nerves Up Wretched}} / {{Title: Later.}}
/ Ray: You know what you need? Cards for times of dudes. Dude-to-Dude cards ain't even a category yet, and you can own it.
/ Roast Beef: Dang that is basically true / {{Title: That night.}}
/ {{Card: Dogg Let's Go Eat Dishes With Chorizo When Our Ladies Ain't Around}}
/ {{Card: (inside) We All Know Ladies Hell of Mentally File Chorizo-Based Meals Away to Use Against Us When We're Fatter}}
/ Roast Beef thinks: No... no... somethin' just ain't right yet
/ << tap tap tap tap tap tap tap >> / Roast Beef thinks: Wait... think I have it...
/ {{Card: Dogg It Must Feel Sick As Hell to Receive a Card From a Dude}}
/ {{Card: (inside) This Is Just Sick as Hell}}
/ Roast Beef thinks: Oh man this is it this is that part in the painting where God's finger touches Adam's
/ << tap tap tap >> / {{Mouseover text: If your weekend picnic rash develops into full-blown Kazantsepsis, see a doctor immediately.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04292008 |
| Achewood - April 30, 2003 | Roast Beef: Why sure Vlad of course you can come to the barbecue
/ It is for all our friends
/ Vlad: Excellent! I am bringink date, is OK? / Ray: Heh heh! You got any lady-bots for us? / Roast Beef: Oh shut up Ray don't even talk about gettin' with a robot
/ That is a ill idea / Ray: Come on, Roast Beef! You ain't never been with a lady robot! How you know you won't like it? / Roast Beef: Oh just shush now that is a crazy idea and it is just terrible
/ Ray: I bet if you could read your email in their eyes you wouldn't mind the kink! / Vlad: Is true what he says, actually! All our ladies have basic Ethernet. Read email during boff, surf web, whatever is needed. / [[ray thinks about it]]
/ Ray: [[thinking] Well would you look at that
/ Ric Ocasek is 54 today
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04302003 |
| Achewood - April 30, 2004 | Little Nephew: I'm goin' over to Baba O'Riley's house, Uncle Ray. / Ray: What you talkin' about some boy named Baba O'Riley! Ain't no parent in this day got no kid named at ALL Baba O'Riley! / Little Nephew: Whatever. Have fun being in or near the house.
/ Ray: That's a damn Who song, foolish child! / Little Nephew: Who? What? Look, Abbot and Costello, I ain't got time for you to put two muffins on forks and pretend they're dancin' feet.
/ {{Overhead, two frames of film depict a delighted Ray doing just this}} / Ray: What in HELL are you talkin' about?!
/ Little Nephew: Oh, before I go - what's the verdict on wooden nickels? / Ray: Don't... don't take any!
/ Little Nephew: Thanks Uncle Ray. Oh, if you get an appetite you can radar-range a couple johnnie cakes that I left in the icebox. / {{Alt: Thank you for all the emails but it is not Johnny Depp it is Charlie Chaplin}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04302004 |
| Achewood - April 30, 2007 | [[Ray looking at bald Elvis softball bat]]
/ Ray: A highway with grooves cut into the road perpendicular to travel... / Ray: The grooves are spaced out so that when your wheels roll over them in succession, a song is played.
/ Like with a record! / [[Ray is visibly excited]]
/ Ray: The song is coded into the road!
/ If you go the wrong way down a one-way street it will play a Satanic message about turning around! / [[Cornelius at the grill]]
/ Cornelius: Ray? RAY! I say, are you ready for the first pitch? / [[Ray swinging the bat]]
/ Ray: Huh? Oh! Oh yeah! First-ever pitched in the stoned slow-pitch softball league!
/ Actually, Connie, I got us a special guest to throw it out. / Ray: Nightlife Mingus! Roll on, baby! / [[Nightlife emerges from behind the bleachers]] / [[A joint in his hand, Nightlife speaks in beat poetry]]
/ Nightlife: Now who is the cat
/ with the bone in his hat
/ who can think / [[Nightlife is smoking the joint]]
/ Nightlife: Who has a brain
/ like a stone in the rain
/ who is pink / [[Ray and Nightlife are pounding it]]
/ Ray: I believe that would be you.
/ Nightlife: Nice bat. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04302007 |
| Achewood - April 30, 2008 | Ray: Huh? What's this?
/ Roast Beef: Just open it dude / Ray: Weird. Is he ... arresting me?
/ Ray: Is this a ... "Friends' Arrest"?
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04302008 |
| Achewood § April 30, 2009 | A delighted Lowerth holds a letter and addresses Lil' Nephew.
/ Lowerth: Ahem! Listen to me boy! / Lowerth (reads): Dear Srs Sanders, your "bra" had me so deceived by my wife's once-toom bosoms, that in an uguarded moment, I paid her a compliment. / He continues, gesturing: I have never before now experienced such a romp on the ticking as what occured thereafter. I fear I may pay her another compliment! Yn Duw, Cwynn Cleddoc. / As lil' nephew looks on, Lowerth continues: In a post-script he places an order for another bra, this time in "dark colours"! Tell me, dear Charley, what other ideas yawn in yer fertile brain? / Lil Nephew, up close: Well, honest, man, the toilet scene in history is straight bodankey. You all got fine hats but you poop in a bowl in the room where you sleep? / An angry Lowerth: What of it? Name me a finer solution!
/ Lil' Nephew, with his 'salesman' on: Dude. A private room, with a water system that washes the mess away into a hidden pit. / Lowerth, still angry: Insanity! Such home irrigation would rival the Hanging Gardens of Babylon for outlay and upkeep!
/ Lil' Nephew: I'ma go out in the backyard and build one. You see if it don't make sense when I'm done. / Caption: SOON In the backyard stands the contraption. It's made of two steel drums, with poorly welded pipe connections between, a hand operated water pump handle in the top drum, an outtake pipe trailing forward of the painful looking wooden seat. A long steel protrusion holds the perforated toilet paper roll. / Lowerth, scratching his old chin thoughtfully: Interesting. I know not whether to piss in it or wish it well on its voyage to the new world.
/ Lil' Nephew: Put your ass where your mouth is, old man. I got a track record. / Caption: THEN
/ Lowerth sits on the contraption, pants around ankles, but long shirt maintains his modesty. His legs are surprisingly muscular. He is pulling the water pump handle.
/ Lowerth: Why....this pleases me! And I feel proud to use the handle! / A pleased Lowerth holds a proud hand on Lil' Nephew's shoulder: Dear boy, commit to paper ten more of these inventions, and we shall call a convocation of marvels... They will shock from far and wide to sample of your genius! / An old school flyer: COME ONE, COME ALL! THIS SATURDAY!
/ I. Sanders & Son. 12 Stryd Ych.
/ INVENTIONS ON DISPLAY: The TOILET. This system of canisters which dispatches excreta in an intellectually satisfying fashion!
/ MARVELS OF THE AGE: The FORK. No longer considered an affectation of Italian homosexuals, the FORK lifts food twice as well as a knife.
/ NACHOS. A layered oven dish of exotic origins, the Nacho is sure to raise as many questions as it satisfies. / {{I learned early on in life that I had a talent for wanting to draw ugly guys on the toilet}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04302009 |
| Achewood - May 1, 2002 - Shove It! | [[Philippe stands behind Lyle as Lyle drops a bottle similar to Jack Daniels on the ground]]
/ Philippe: Don't litter, Lyle! / [[Lyle angrily points back at Philippe who is surprised and scared at Lyle's reaction]]
/ Lyle: Shove it, Philpipe! / [[Philippe is now standing alone, still surprised and scared]] / [[Philippe closes his eyes, places his hand on his face and and fearfully imagines a newspaper obituary]]
/ Obituary Text: IN MEMORIAM Philippe died today because he was told to Shove It by someone who he thought was his friend. He was 5. Services will be held tomorrow in the cemetery. / {{alt text: My housewarming is this weekend!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05012002 |
| Achewood - May 1, 2002 - Shove It! | [[Philippe stands behind Lyle as Lyle drops a bottle similar to Jack Daniels on the ground]]
/ Philippe: Don't litter, Lyle! / [[Lyle angrily points back at Philippe who is surprised and scared at Lyle's reaction]]
/ Lyle: Shove it, Philpipe! / [[Philippe is now standing alone, still surprised and scared]] / [[Philippe closes his eyes, places his hand on his face and and fearfully imagines a newspaper obituary]]
/ Obituary Text: IN MEMORIAM Philippe died today because he was told to Shove It by someone who he thought was his friend. He was 5. Services will be held tomorrow in the cemetery. / {{alt text: My housewarming is this weekend!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05012002 |
| Achewood - May 1, 2002 - Shove It! | [[Philippe stands behind Lyle as Lyle drops a bottle similar to Jack Daniels on the ground]]
/ Philippe: Don't litter, Lyle! / [[Lyle angrily points back at Philippe who is surprised and scared at Lyle's reaction]]
/ Lyle: Shove it, Philpipe! / [[Philippe is now standing alone, still surprised and scared]] / [[Philippe closes his eyes, places his hand on his face and and fearfully imagines a newspaper obituary]]
/ Obituary Text: IN MEMORIAM Philippe died today because he was told to Shove It by someone who he thought was his friend. He was 5. Services will be held tomorrow in the cemetery. / {{alt text: My housewarming is this weekend!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05012002 |
| Achewood - May 1, 2006 | [[Ray radios Teodor from Airwolf]]
/ Ray: Hey Teodor! You got any problems or anything? / [[Teodor responds on his cellphone from atop a mountain at the Transfer Station]]
/ Teodor: Ray? What are you doing up this early? / [[Ray radios from Airwolf]]
/ Ray: I have Airwolf. I'm just seein' if there's anything I can do to help my guys. / [[Teodor responds on his cellphone]]
/ Teodor: I'm not sure what you mean. I don't know if what you're saying means anything. / [[Ray radios from Airwolf]]
/ Ray: I have Airwolf. This is not code language. I am flying Airwolf becuase I own Airwolf.
/ Ray: Nothing else I could say would make more sense given what I own and what I am doing at this moment. / [[Teodor responds on his cellphone]]
/ Teodor: I ... alright. Fine. Yes, I have a problem. A pretty bad problem, actually. / Ray: Awesome. Where are you?
/ Teodor: Philippe's lost somewhere in the Transfer Station out in the marshes. I'm there now, but I can't find him. / [[Inside Airwolf; Ray is at the controls with a headset on]]
/ Ray: Dude. No one should go to the Transfer Station.
/ Ray: Didn't they show you that video in the sixth grade? / [[Teodor responds on his cellphone]]
/ Teodor: If you're gonna help, come help! I feel bad enough as it is!
/ Ray: Okay, look up and wave. I need to make sure that's you I'm seeing. / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05012006 |
| Achewood - May 1, 2006 | [[Ray radios Teodor from Airwolf]]
/ Ray: Hey Teodor! You got any problems or anything? / [[Teodor responds on his cellphone from atop a mountain at the Transfer Station]]
/ Teodor: Ray? What are you doing up this early? / [[Ray radios from Airwolf]]
/ Ray: I have Airwolf. I'm just seein' if there's anything I can do to help my guys. / [[Teodor responds on his cellphone]]
/ Teodor: I'm not sure what you mean. I don't know if what you're saying means anything. / [[Ray radios from Airwolf]]
/ Ray: I have Airwolf. This is not code language. I am flying Airwolf because I own Airwolf.
/ Ray: Nothing else I could say would make more sense given what I own and what I am doing at this moment. / [[Teodor responds on his cellphone]]
/ Teodor: I ... alright. Fine. Yes, I have a problem. A pretty bad problem, actually. / Ray: Awesome. Where are you?
/ Teodor: Philippe's lost somewhere in the Transfer Station out in the marshes. I'm there now, but I can't find him. / [[Inside Airwolf; Ray is at the controls with a headset on]]
/ Ray: Dude. No one should go to the Transfer Station.
/ Ray: Didn't they show you that video in the sixth grade? / [[Teodor responds on his cellphone]]
/ Teodor: If you're gonna help, come help! I feel bad enough as it is!
/ Ray: Okay, look up and wave. I need to make sure that's you I'm seeing. / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05012006 |
| Nightlife's opening pitch | Nightlife Mingus: Are you ready for the ball that starts it all, baby? / Ray: It's a thing, man! / Nightlife Mingus: Then ring... / Nightlife Mingus: ...a ding... / Ray (thinking): Whoah! "Snuggleguns." Is that a new palindrome?! Did I just discover a new one?! / Ray (thinking): I think that one's me! I think that's all me! / Ray (thinking): Wait. Somethin' don't seem right with this palindrome. S-s, n-n... / Nightlife Mingus: [[pitches the ball]] DING! / [[Ball hits Ray in the face, breaking his glasses. Blood shoots out of his ears.]] < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05012007 |
| Nightlife's opening pitch | Nightlife Mingus: Are you ready for the ball that starts it all, baby? / Ray: It's a thing, man! / Nightlife Mingus: Then ring... / Nightlife Mingus: ...a ding... / Ray (thinking): Whoah! "Snuggleguns." Is that a new palindrome?! Did I just discover a new one?! / Ray (thinking): I think that one's me! I think that's all me! / Ray (thinking): Wait. Somethin' don't seem right with this palindrome. S-s, n-n... / Nightlife Mingus: [[pitches the ball]] DING! / [[Ball hits Ray in the face, breaking his glasses. Blood shoots out of his ears.]] < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05012007 |
| Achewood - May 1, 2008 | [[Overhead view of electric stove. On the front burner, a black cast iron skillet has hash browns scattered across the bottom.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05012008 |
| Achewood - May 2, 2002 | {{Alt-Text: If the cooler stinks, does that ruin the beer in it?}} / [[Lie Bot is startled by a car door slamming]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05022002 |
| Achewood - May 2, 2003 - Fuck Algebra | Little Nephew: B–But Uncle Ray! You made an album! / Ray: Yeah, and that was actual real music! You, you just yellin' to some beatbox, sayin' that algebra is gay! / Little Nephew: I'm just responding to the times, Uncle Ray! This is stuff that's on everybody's mind! / Ray: Yeah, in the third grade, maybe! And you shouldn't even be usin' language like this at your age!
/ Little Nephew: Oh come on! That's the language of the hard streets! / Ray: "If a number can't come real/ Then I don't need that stumper/ The concept of the variable/ can take it in the dumper." / [[Ray stares at Little Nephew. Little Nephew winces.]] / {{alt: This is from the guy who signed The Sexual Homeboys}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05022003 |
| Achewood - May 2, 2003 - Fuck Algebra | Little Nephew: B–But Uncle Ray! You made an album! / Ray: Yeah, and that was actual real music! You, you just yellin' to some beatbox, sayin' that algebra is gay! / Little Nephew: I'm just responding to the times, Uncle Ray! This is stuff that's on everybody's mind! / Ray: Yeah, in the third grade, maybe! And you shouldn't even be usin' language like this at your age!
/ Little Nephew: Oh come on! That's the language of the hard streets! / Ray: "If a number can't come real/ Then I don't need that stumper/ The concept of the variable/ can take it in the dumper." / [[Ray stares at Little Nephew. Little Nephew winces.]] / {{alt: This is from the guy who signed The Sexual Homeboys}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05022003 |
| Achewood - May 2, 2003 - Fuck Algebra | [[Ray's hands hold a CD case whose cover bears a picture of Little Nephew and the text "Fuck... ALGEBRA! with Little Nephew." Little Nephew is shown in the background.]]
/ Little Nephew: B–But Uncle Ray! You made an album! / Ray: Yeah, and that was actual real music! You, you just yellin' to some beatbox, sayin' that algebra is gay! / Little Nephew: I'm just responding to the times, Uncle Ray! This is stuff that's on everybody's mind! / Ray: Yeah, in the third grade, maybe! And you shouldn't even be usin' language like this at your age!
/ Little Nephew: Oh come on! That's the language of the hard streets! / [[Ray reads from the CD's liner notes.]]
/ Ray: "If a number can't come real/ Then I don't need that stumper/ The concept of the variable/ can take it in the dumper." / [[Ray stares at Little Nephew. Little Nephew winces.]] / {{title: Fuck Algebra}}
/ {{alt: This is from the guy who signed The Sexual Homeboys}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05022003 |
| Achewood - May 2, 2005 | [[Lyle is standing in the living room. An open bottle is lying on the sofa]]
/ Lyle: Jesus Christ! I set this beer down for five minutes and you popped it, you fug? / Lyle: That was my REWARD beer, you bastard! It's IMPORTED! / [[Téodor lying face-down on the floor]] / Lyle: Wake up, turd! / Lyle: HEY! I don't like kickin' asleep dudes' asses, but I'll do it! I know how! / [[Téodor's spirit standing upside down on the ceiling, his clothing hanging over his head]]
/ Téodor: Agh! What the hell's going on?! / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05022005 |
| Achewood - May 2, 2005 | [[Lyle is standing in the living room. An open bottle is lying on the sofa]]
/ Lyle: Jesus Christ! I set this beer down for five minutes and you popped it, you fug? / Lyle: That was my REWARD beer, you bastard! It's IMPORTED! / [[Téodor lying face-down on the floor]] / Lyle: Wake up, turd! / Lyle: HEY! I don't like kickin' asleep dudes' asses, but I'll do it! I know how! / [[Téodor's spirit standing upside down on the ceiling, his clothing hanging over his head]]
/ Téodor: Agh! What the hell's going on?! / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05022005 |
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