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| Achewood - April 19, 2004 | Teodor: Donald Trump is a corny douchebag! I'm not afraid to say it.
/ Beef: Hush Teodor don't wake up that wino / Teodor: Aw, he's out cold - oh my god, It's Ray!
/ Beef: Holy Dickens and Delilah you're right
/ What in the jam / Teodor: Ray! RAY! Are you ok?! What happened to you? / Ray: [supine, wearing a suit made of newspapers] Dick Dale's hands are so strong he could play the Golden Gate bridge like a harp / Teodor: Agh! He smells like farted-in vinegar!
/ Ray: Are there any women named Derek I wonder / Once home I plan to write several documents about canine anaesthesia
/ It is such a complex topic / Teodor: RAY! YOU WERE A FAT CHILD! YOU ... WERE ... A ... FAT ... CHILD!
/ Ray: NO I WASN - Teodor! Where am I?! What's going on? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04192004 |
| Achewood - April 19, 2004 | Teodor: Donald Trump is a corny douchebag! I'm not afraid to say it.
/ Beef: Hush Teodor don't wake up that wino / Teodor: Aw, he's out cold - oh my god, It's Ray!
/ Beef: Holy Dickens and Delilah you're right
/ What in the jam / Teodor: Ray! RAY! Are you ok?! What happened to you? / Ray: [supine, wearing a suit made of newspapers] Dick Dale's hands are so strong he could play the Golden Gate bridge like a harp / Teodor: Agh! He smells like farted-in vinegar!
/ Ray: Are there any women named Derek I wonder / Once home I plan to write several documents about canine anaesthesia
/ It is such a complex topic / Teodor: RAY! YOU WERE A FAT CHILD! YOU ... WERE ... A ... FAT ... CHILD!
/ Ray: NO I WASN - Teodor! Where am I?! What's going on? / {{ Eau de Smuckles }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04192004 |
| Achewood - April 19, 2005 | Molly: So did you pick out a gift for them yet? / Roast Beef: Oh hee hee yeah I found all these funny onesies that would be humorous on a baby
/ Molly: Ooh! Show me! / [[Roast beef holds up a onesie reading: SO WHAT IF A TIT IS FOOD ...I AIN'T BUGGIN']] / [[Roast beef holds up a onesie reading: FUTURE DEAD PERSON]] / Molly: Oh my god! I don't know what's worse, that these are for sale or that you think a baby should wear them!
/ Roast Beef: Oh come on this stuff is humorous / Molly: I'd like to know what you got dressed in as an infant if you think these are acceptable. / [[cut to a scene of baby Roast Beef in a Wonder bread bag and a power cord]] / {{alt text - Parents Korner: The AAP no longer recommends Wonder Bread bags with 6' extension cord fasteners as a safe and effective diapering solution.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04192005 |
| Achewood - April 19, 2005 | Molly: So did you pick out a gift for them yet? / Roast Beef: Oh hee hee yeah
/ Roast Beef: I found all these funny onesies that would be humorous on a baby
/ Molly: Ooh! Show me! / [[Roast beef holds up a onesie reading: SO WHAT IF A TIT IS FOOD ...I AIN'T BUGGIN']] / [[Roast beef holds up a onesie reading: FUTURE DEAD PERSON]] / Molly: Oh my god! I don't know what's worse, that these are for sale or that you think a baby should wear them!
/ Roast Beef: Oh come on this stuff is humorous / Molly: I'd like to know what you got dressed in as an infant if you think these are acceptable. / [[Roast Beef twitches and looks distraught]] / [[cut to a scene of baby Roast Beef in a Wonder bread bag tied around his neck with a power cord]]
/ Baby Roast Beef: WAAAAUGH!
/ Baby Roast Beef: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! / {{alt text - Parents Korner: The AAP no longer recommends Wonder Bread bags with 6' extension cord fasteners as a safe and effective diapering solution.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04192005 |
| Achewood - April 19, 2007 | [[VLAD: A NIGHT OF THE TIME IN THE MIND OF THE KING OF THE MAKE-OUTS]]
/ [[A flowchart of Vlad's decision making process follows]] / 1. ON?
/ 1.1. YES to 2
/ 1.2. NO back to 1
/ 2. AM I HARMINK A HUMAN?
/ 2.1. YES to 3
/ 3. _STOP IT._
/ 3.1. OK back to 2
/ 2.2. NO to 4
/ 2.3. yada yada to 5
/ 4. ANY ORDERS FROM HUMANS LATELY?
/ 4.1. YES
/ 5. FULFILL ORDERS
/ 5.1. OK back to 4
/ 5.2. yada yada back to 2
/ 4.2. NOPE to 6
/ 6. PROTECT OWN EXISTENCE
/ 6.1. "OKAY, ISAAC, SURE THING BUDDY" to 7
/ 7. (SERIOUSLY, I AM ALWAYS THINKINK THIS ONE IS, LIKE, SO CHEESY)
/ 7.1. yada yada yada yada yada ya back to 2
/ 7.2. "DONE" to 8
/ 8. OKAY GETTINK TIRED OF SITTINK ON COUCH PROTECTINK SELF HERE, PEOPLE
/ 8.1. GO SCORE WITH BUNCH OF CHICKS HIT THE SOLENOID, IS DOLLAR BEERS NITE to 9
/ 9. HEY, BABY - MIND IF WE HIT IT ALL NIGHT?
/ 9.1. AGH LINE DOES NOT WORK AGAIN! ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS SUCH MOVINK TARGET to 10
/ 10. HEY, BABY - ARE YOU A BRONTOSAURUS? BESAUSE I JUST DISCOVER A BONE IN MY PANTS
/ [[small print: JESUS TOUGH ROOM THESE DAYS]] / 8.2. CALL THE DUDES to 11
/ 11. "THIS IS LIE BOT. WHAT'S UP?"
/ 11.1. L.B.! LET US DRINK! LET US SING! LET US FOR ONE MORE NIGHT SPIT INTO THE FACE OF DEATH! to 12
/ 12. "JUST KIDDING. I'M EITHER NOT HERE, OR AWAY. PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE."
/ 12.1. AGH! i AM NEVER TELLINK IF IT IS HIS MACHINE to 13.
/ 13. BEEEEEEEEP
/ 13.1. HEY, LIE BOT. IS VLAD. CALL ME IF YOU ARE WANTINK TO GO OUT, OKA-
/ 14. [CLICK] DUDE, IT'S ME. I WAS KIDDING.
/ 14.1. ARRRGH! AGAIN YOU ARE CATCHINK ME WITH THIS ONE!
/ 15. UH HUH. HEY, LET'S MEET UP AT THE SULLEN SOLENOID.
/ 15.1 NOT LIKE LAST TIME, YES? YOU ARE ACTUALLY SHOWINK UP THIS TIME?
/ 16. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! I WAS THERE FOR AN HOUR!
/ 16.1 DON'T DO THIS WITH ME L.B. IS SO ANNOYINK
/ 17. DO WHAT?
/ 17.1 AGH WHY EVEN I CALL YOU IS PERMANENT MYSTERY
/ 18. SEE YOU IN A BIT.
/ 18.1 WAIT, AT-
/ 19. [CLICK] / [[Side panel: a picture of two robots, caption reads: College photo of Vlad (L) and Utsheyev, 1976 - our gang name in this time is "The Tasty Dudes."]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04192007 |
| Achewood ? April 19, 2009 | Pat: What do you mean you're still in bed? It's ten thirty-eight in the morning! / Ray: Got to get my Lovely Twelve, hoss. That's just the way this one honest man plays the game.
/ Pat: That's disgusting. Sleeping that much has to be terrible for you. / Ray: Au contraire, talkin' Pat. Look at it this way... / Ray: For twelve hours my ass ain't smokin', slippin' down gold Johnny Blues, dry-steamin*, grufflin' the popper sampler at Burger Crater, or takin' in impure ideas through the eyes.
/ * Incinerating marijuana. / Ray: If you think about it, bein' in bed as long as possible is the healthiest thing I do each day. / Pat: That's pathetic, Ray. Lazy reasoning from a lazy man. / Ray: Look, dude. I pay my bills. I ain't got pregnancies all over town. Where you get off actin' like I got to get up at six AM and eat a damn garbanzo bean? / Ray: In fact, you know what? Screw you and all the rest of you self-righteous, "I-get-up-early" types! "Oooh, look at meeeee. I'm so raaaad. I know what the gaaaarbagemen look like." / Ray: All my life I been gettin' shit for the hours I keep. I ain't understand why gettin' up so early is so goddamned great. / Pat: Society observes a covenant to operate during specified -- / Ray: Yeah, I get that folks leave for work at seven 'cause we ain't used to have light bulbs at night, but it's been like a hundred damn years. / Ray: I don't know, Pat. Maybe I'm progressive, but maybe also you're old-fashioned, like all knowin' what it looks like for a horse to go to the bathroom start-to-finish. I ain't sure, but I'm almost sure, and the man who invented the future barely even had that. / {{Title text: In panel four, Ray is still buzzed, so he can riff that way.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04192009 |
| The Hangover Ham | [[Ray is on a sidewalk in Germany, hungover, filthy and wearing a suit made of newspaper]]
/ Ray: So...uh...what you guys been up to?
/ Roast Beef: Why you wearin' a filthy suit made of newspapers Ray
/ Roast Beef: And why is there a small amount of carro tin your ear
/ Ray: Oh! Ha ha! An amount of carrot in my ear!
/ Ray: Let me just remove that.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04202004 |
| The Story of Zell and Cory | [[Emeril, Téodor, and Roast Beef continue their search for Philippe.]]
/ Emeril: Alright I must quickly consult with Zell and Cory to se if they did come across Philippe. You both wait here. / [[Emeril leaves, Téodor and Roast beef remain]]
/ Téodor: Why can't we come with you? Emeril? I-hey! Whats the deal?
/ Roast Beef: Oh dogg you do not want to meet Zell and Cory. / Téodor: Are they huge jerks or something? What's up? / Roast Beef: No man remember when the Lakeshore flophouse burned down back in '02?
/ Téodor: Yeah. They did it? They're hiding out down here? / Roast Beef: No man they got fourth-degree burns all over their bodies.
/ Téodor: Fourth degree...is that the bad one or the good one? Is first degree the worst? / Roast Beef: No dude uh with fourth-degree burns your're considered unlucky if you live. These guys make Freddy Krueger look like Carmen Electra. / Téodor: And Emeril thinks Philippe saw them?! He's never gonna sleep again! If we even find him!
/ Roast Beef: They live in an abandoned railway tunnel and only leave on moonless nights don't worry. / [[SOON. Emeril returns with news]]
/ Emeril: Zell does confirm Philippe was headed for the transfer station we must hurry. / [[MEANWHILE. Philippe stands atop a pile of garbage at the transfer station]]
/ Philippe: I AM THE SHERIFF OF THE DUMP! TELL ME WHERE THE OLD COUCHES GO! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04202006 |
| Roast Beef's Tone Poem | TONE POEM / Roast Beef: I paid my taxes / Roast Beef: Somehow I paid more in taxes than actual functional people with marginal careers pay for a used Saturn / Roast Beef: Yet the taxes I paid / Roast Beef: will not even cover one-tenth of the installment costs of a new / Roast Beef: city storm drain / Roast Beef: or one week of the cost of employing a restaurant sanitation inspector / Restaurant Sanitation Inspector: Your "Wash Your Hands" sign is over twelve inches from the lavatory soap dispenser. / Restaurant Sanitation Inspector: You may no longer serve tacos or taco-format savory conceits. This coprophiliac fantasy buffet ends now. / Roast Beef: or one full set of in-flight dinners on Air Force One / [[Menu]] SHRIMP AND CELERIAC R?MOULADE - TATTINGER / [[Menu]] ?TOUFF?E WITH OYSTER MUSHROOMS AND MIMOLETTE GRITS - MARLBOROUGH SAUVIGNON / [[Menu]] PANEED SQUAB WITH SMOKED APPLE AND PAIN AU LEVAIN BREAD SALAD - NOYES CABERNET / Roast Beef: Man I ain't stupid I know they ain't gonna give the President a Lean Pocket cut on the bias with extra marinara and ranch in two plastic cups / Roast Beef: I ain't begrudge him his falutin' at all the dude does more in one day than I will ever know can be done / Roast Beef: But FDR served the King of England hot dogs and beer and you can look that up / Roast Beef: That came from hard-ass personal qualities but also the fact that America was at the ATM with less than $20 in checking and needed to pay for world War II / Roast Beef: Maybe hot dogs and beer is our way outta this economic mess
/ All voice of elders / Roast Beef: The meat so cheap and the beer so well-priced
/ But wait ! Instead of a tap a periscope rises up out of the keg... / Roast Beef: The condiment pumps spray mustard gas !
/ Like butterflies the buns fly up and clamp over your nose and mouth ! / [[Laszlo's Cafe, 3AM]] Roast Beef: OHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIIIT!< http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04202009 |
| Achewood - April 21, 2004 | Beef: Come on now
/ Who's the idiot
/ Who is daddy's idiot / Ray: Lay off me, Beef! I got a headache the size of a 747 peeling out on my brain! / Beef: I'll make you some breakfast if you want
/ Some Sriracha chili pepper sauce spelling out your name on some Saltines / Beef: Oh my goodness whoops is that your academic ranking in our senior class! / Ray: You got SOME NERVE makin' fun of my high school grades, Mr. Quotes Tori Amos During His Salutorian Address / Beef: Oh and that's worse than not being able to learn Spanish / Ray: I didn't care about Spanish! I was a red-blooded male wth a whole lotta love to give! / Ray: You were all like ¡Hola Juan! ¡Yo redos dos math books! I was in my 4-Runner makin' whale music with Mary-Anne Feldman! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04212004 |
| Achewood - April 21, 2004 | Beef: Come on now
/ Who's the idiot
/ Who is daddy's idiot / Ray: Lay off me, Beef! I got a headache the size of a 747 peeling out on my brain! / [[Beef holds plate]]
/ Beef: I'll make you some breakfast if you want
/ Some Sriracha chili pepper sauce spelling out your name on some Saltines / [[Plate with Saltines reads "346 OF 350"]]
/ Beef: Oh my goodness whoops is that your academic ranking in our senior class! / Ray: You got SOME NERVE makin' fun of my high school grades, Mr. Quotes Tori Amos During His Salutorian Address! / Beef: Oh and that's worse than not being able to learn Spanish / Ray: I didn't care about Spanish! I was a red-blooded male wth a whole lotta love to give! / Ray: You were all like ¡Hola Juan! ¡Yo reado dos math books! I was in my 4-Runner makin' whale music with Mary-Anne Feldman! / {{Alt text: Life is an apology to be made at a later date}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04212004 |
| Achewood - April 21, 2005 | [[Roast Beef is sitting behind a counter as Ray enters from the left holding a black box in his hand.]]
/ Ray: Happy Birthday, Beef!
/ Roast Beef: Oh uh thank you but my birthday is not on this day / Ray: Yeah, but I know it's around now and I got this gift burnin' a hole in my pocket.
/ Roast Beef: Wow uh man you know I ain't need such as gifts / Ray: Tough shit! Open it! / [[Beef looks at the unwrapped present which appears to be a book.]]
/ Roast Beef: Esquire Magazine's 100 Favorite Sex Positions / Ray: Heh! Now that you got a steady lay, this should come in pretty handy! / [[Close up of the inside cover of the magazine. Ray has written a message that reads: "Happy Birthday Roast Beef! Have FUN having sex, dude. Ray 4/2005]] / [[Ray unexpectedly hugs Beef, who looks startled.]]
/ Ray: Seriously, man. Have fun having sex. / [[Beef gives a grimace and struggles to get away as Ray continues the hug.]]
/ Ray: This is #73, by the way. / {{Alt text: #73: The Upstanding Librarian. Many men think this is hot. }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04212005 |
| Achewood - April 21, 2006 | [[Phillipe is wearing a paper hat and wielding a staff with his sheriff star on it. He looks somewhat angry.]] / Phillipe: Sheesh! You people are pretty disappointing! Not even ONE of you raised your hand! / [[Phillipe is standing nearby a fat man. He is laying down passed out with a bottle nearby]] / Phillipe: They told me you'd be scary and dangerous! The only thing scary about YOU is that your teeth have scabs! / [[Phillipe is standing now next to a skinny woman, who is not wearing a bra and showcasing a small rubber hose on her left arm]] / Phillipe: a-HEM! Everyone I live with says that ladies should wear bras, even if their boobs are crummy! / [[Phillipe is walking]] / Phillipe: We can do a lot better around here, people! Worst... dumps...EVER! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04212006 |
| Achewood - April 22, 2002 | [[Polaroids of Roast Beef and his music/dress tastes at various times in his life]] / [[Ray gives a gift-wrapped box to Roast Beef, Teodor and Pat are looking on]]
/ Ray: Roast Beef, me and the fellows chipped in and got you a little something for your birthday. / Roast Beef: What's this
/ Ray: It's a Hot Put, dude! Happy Birthday! / Roast Beef: What's a...hot pot? / Ray: It helps you make tasty little meals!
/ Roast Beef: I don't really like...meals http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04222002 |
| Achewood - April 22, 2002 | [[Polaroids of Roast Beef and his music/dress tastes at various times in his life]] / [[Ray gives a gift-wrapped box to Roast Beef, Teodor and Pat are looking on]]
/ Ray: Roast Beef, me and the fellows chipped in and got you a little something for your birthday. / Roast Beef: What's this
/ Ray: It's a Hot Pot, dude! Happy Birthday! / Roast Beef: What's a...hot pot? / Ray: It helps you make tasty little meals!
/ Roast Beef: I don't really like...meals http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04222002 |
| Achewood - April 22, 2004 | Beef: Yeah well ain't it just rad that you had sex a bunch of times in high school / Ray: Yeah, it was! Whole lot better than learnin' to understand Spanish! / Beef: At least Spanish will serve me for the rest of my life
/ All you got from having sex in high school was having dunk oil on your backseat and a bunch of mix tapes with Alanis Morissette as the first song / Ray: {{Voice over}} Oh! Yeah! And I'd trade it all in a minute to have been President of the Equation of the Week club! / Beef: Congratulations a^2=b-1
/ You are the
/ equation of the week http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04222004 |
| Achewood - April 22, 2004 | Beef: Yeah well ain't it just rad that you had sex a bunch of times in high school / Ray: Yeah, it was! Whole lot better than learnin' to understand Spanish! / Beef: At least Spanish will serve me for the rest of my life
/ All you got from having sex in high school was having dunk oil on your backseat and a bunch of mix tapes with Alanis Morissette as the first song / Ray: {{Voice over}} Oh! Yeah! And I'd trade it all in a minute to have been President of the Equation of the Week club! / Beef: Congratulations a^2=b-1
/ You are the
/ equation of the week / {{Alt text: YOU ARE… THIS WEEK'S EQUATION OF THE WEEK}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04222004 |
| Achewood - April 22, 2005 | "Kut-Me-Ups" / [[Photos of several Achewood characters, Left to Right: Roast beef grilling, Ray on Toilet, Teodor and Roast Beef on Roombas, Phillippe, Todd, Roast Beef with Emeril and Spongebath, Nice Pete as a Goth. Each image is surrounded by dotted lines for the purposes of cutting out.]] / Do you want to have a little friend at your area. Then this is what you can do. / 1. Download and print the high resolution PDF of this document onto heavy card stock (link above). Use Landscape mode. / 2. Cut along the dotted lines, then follow these simple and clear instructions. Sent Photos of your successfully executed Kut-Me-Ups to chris at achewood.com if you feel that you did a good job. Do not expect a reply. / Instructions:
/ Seperate Tabs
/ Spread Tabs
/ Glue Undersides
/ Apply To Large Coin (Base) http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04222005 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04222008">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04222008 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - April 23, 2002 | [[Teodor, dressed in shorts and a varsity sweater, glares offscreen as a basketball bounces in and lands in his arms.]]
/ Teodor: Lyle, did you just kick my basketball?
/ Lyle: Yeah, I did! And I LIKED it! / [[Teodor now confronts Lyle, who has his ubiquitous bottle of whiskey in hand.]]
/ Teodor: Don't do that! It makes it go out-of-round.
/ Lyle: I'll kick anything I want! / Tedoor: Oh yeah? Would you kick..._Jesus?_
/ Lyle: Of COURSE! / Teodor: You can't kick Jesus! Are you retarded?!
/ Lyle: Where in the Bible does it say you can't kick Jesus? / Teodor: You can't do anything mean to Jesus!
/ Lyle: Well, I could try! / Teodor: This is ridiculous.
/ Lyle: Come back here! You haven't heard my ideas! / {{Alt text: You could run up and kick him in the shins.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04232002 |
| Achewood - April 23, 2003 | Todd: Hey Ray! H-H-How's business?
/ Ray: Pretty slow, Todd. / Todd: If ya don't have any customers right now, can you take me up? I got a couple bucks! / Ray: Well, yeah, but you won't be in the Mile High Club.
/ Todd: What?! Why not? / Ray: Well, first of all you got to have sexual relations! You can't get in alone!
/ Todd: But I ain't got a girlfriend!
/ Todd: Come on, man! Ten bucks! /
/ Ray: Look, Todd...I don't usually do this, but... I've got a sexy video you can watch. How about that?
/ Todd: I can get in by watchin' porno? / Ray: Well, not just by watchin'... I mean, you got to do the deed, of course.
/ Todd: Oh! Sure! No problem! / Ray [[thinking]]: Man, the things I do for this club. / {{alt text: Business is slow so he let's Todd jack off in his plane}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04232003 |
| The Mile High Club | [[Todds van speeds by a sign reading:
/ Join the "Mile High" Club!
/ Private Cabin
/ Complimentary Moet
/ Your Pilot: Captain Ray Smuckles
/ $50/couple/half hour]] / [[Todd goes up to a counter, behind which stands Ray in an airline pilot uniform]]
/ Todd: Hey Ray! H-H-How's business?
/ Ray: Pretty slow, Todd. / Todd: If ya don't have any customers right now, can you take me up? I got a couple bucks? / Ray: Well, yeah, but you won't be in the Mile High Club.
/ Todd: What?! Why not? / [[Shot of the plane, parked outside.]]
/ Ray: Well, first of all you got to have sexual relations! You can't get in alone!
/ Todd: But I ain't got a girlfriend!
/ Todd: Come on, man! Ten bucks! / [[Ray thinks.]] / Ray: Look, Todd...I don't usually do this, but...I've got a sexy video you can watch. How about that?
/ Todd: I can get in by watchin' porno? / Ray: Well, not just by watchin'...I mean, you got to do the deed, of course.
/ Todd: Oh! Sure! No problem! / [[Ray puts on his pilot hat.]]
/ Ray (thinking): Man, the things I do for this club. / {{alt-text: Business is slow so he lets Todd jack off in his plan}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04232003 |
| Leaving Germany | [[Ray in shower]]
/ Ray: aww yeah Vidal Sassoon do it to me one more time / Téodor: Ray! RAY! Can you hear me? / Ray: yeah! what's up? / Téodor: We're going to see Checkpoint Charlie and the Berlin Wall soon! If we have time, we're going to hit a couple cathedrals!
/ Ray (from shower): Count me out, T! / Téodor: You have other plans?
/ Ray: I chartered a special flight home with Todd!
/ Téodor: You're LEAVING? / [[Lyle walks up]]
/ Ray: Yeah! I felt like burnin' one in my hot tub and listening to the Police! I miss doin' that! Doesn't that sound great? Scampi and lamb burgers on the grill? / Lyle (to Téodor): I promise to look at cathedrals in a library book next time I get the chance. / [[Shot of Todd's plane flying home]]
/ Todd: This is Captain Todd s-s-speakin'! We got us a full flight today! Dinner is some pizzas and our in-flight movie is Faces of Death III! / {{Alt text: Hey, it was the only VHS tape Todd owned besides some GG Allin concert}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04232004 |
| Achewood - April 23, 2007 | [[Interior, Ray's house. Ray is sitting in an easy chair, smoking a bong. He lights the bong and takes a long, slow hit.]]
/ << SFX: (bong hit) CHK-PFFFFFFP>> / [[Looking stoned, Ray sits back and relaxes as he slowly exhales, a long wisp of smoke rising from his lips.]] / [[Ray's eyebrows go up as a thought occurs to him, and he suddenly has an epiphany.]] / Ray: Oh my god! Slow pitch softball! / [[Ray has gotten up from the chair. He is talking to Téodor on the phone.]]
/ Ray: Téodor! We startin' an all-stoned slow pitch softball team! You down, doggie? Charcoal grill at each base, we can do whatever in hell we want! This is LIFE! / [[Caption: BARELY FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER. At the Onstads' house, Ray has joined Téodor in his room, where he is seated at his desk. Ray stands behind the chair and looks on as Téodor works.]]
/ Ray: You already made us a logo? Let me see! Heh! Man, I can't BELIEVE you were burnin' one at the same time as me. This is hideous!
/ Téodor: I want him to seem like he wonders if he cares about anything. But in a good way. / [[Téodor's computer screen shows a graphics program in which he has created a logo for Ray's proposed all-stoned slow pitch softball team. It consists of a deliriously happy-looking cartoon bird running with its wings spread, and stylized text of the team name "Stoned LIGHTNING".]]
/ Ray: Whoah! He's a little psycho! I want to play with that little psycho and learn his name!
/ Téodor: That's a good reaction. That's a very good reaction to a new mascot. What'll his name be?
/ Ray: Dâvidé. Like, 'DAH-vi-day'. / {{alt text: Ray knew that little guy's name like jazzmen hit keys.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04232007 |
| Achewood - April 23, 2008 | Great Moments in Cinema presents A Clockwork Orange brought to you by Roomba! The robotic floor vac / T?odor: I'm a naked boy and I'm going to drink milk... with drugs in it! Horrorshow! / Later...
/ T?odor: I bought some Beethoven LPs and now I'm going to kick all my friends in the bonch! / Roast Beef: I don't know dogg is this the scariest stuff we can think of / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04232008 |
| Achewood - April 23, 2008 | Great Moments in Cinema presents A Clockwork Orange brought to you by Roomba! The robotic floor vac / T?odor: I'm a naked boy and I'm going to drink milk... with drugs in it! Horrorshow! / Later...
/ T?odor: I bought some Beethoven LPs and now I'm going to kick all my friends in the bonch! / Roast Beef: I don't know dogg is this the scariest stuff we can think of / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04232008 |
| The Carcinoslippery Slope. | [[Roast Beef is setting at his computer, looking depressed]] / {{Dialog is Beef's thoughts without a thought balloon))
/ Can't move a finger to type
/ Barely just refreshin' sites / Maybe...
/ Maybe a cigarette to soothe me / No...
/ No...
/ Can't give in to that kick / [[Ray is here, holding a Zippo lighter and cigarette]]
/ Ray: Hey, man! Do you want to smoke? / [[Ray turns his head]]
/ Ray: Do you want to smoke... / [[Ray lights the lighter, sharply turns his head back and furrows his brow]]
/ Ray: FOREVER?! / [[Roast Beef is older and laying in a bed with a breathing device attached to his mouth. There's a kid that looks like him standing next to the bed]] / Kid: D... Dad? Dad?
/ My only memories...
/ My only memories are of you smoking, Dad. / [[Newspaper obituaries page]]
/ OBITUARIES.
/ Q. R. LETTINGER, 89
/ Mr. Lettinger was surrounded by both family and community today as he came into his reward. Neither a smoker nor a worrier-be, he lead a civic life full of alertness, personal accountability, and quantifiable achievement.
/ R. BEEF KAZENZAKIS, 40
/ Roast Beef died today. It is because he smoked. His family is letting the city handle the body because it smells bad. / [[Roast Beef is standing with a gardening hose in one hand and smoking a cigarette in the other]]
/ If I light the cigarette when Molly starts to pee she won't hear the lighter and if I wash my mouth out with the garden hose when she flushes I can get away with a quick one in the yard / [[Molly is irately staring into a toilet]]
/ Oh god but what if the hose with the water pressure and the toilet flushes weakly man she'll know exactly what I'm up to
/ Molly: Hey, the toilet is flushing weird! Somebody must be SMOKING! / [[Roast Beef is sitting at his computer with his head buried under his arms]]
/ {{Roast Beef imagines the following dialog}}
/ Molly: Okay, your semen finally tastes so vile that I have to draw the line. Did you start smoking?
/ {{Synthesized voice font}}
/ You answered, 'No.' MediCross voice analysis software indicates that you are a smoker. We currently offer no plans which cover your condition. -CLICK-
/ Ray: Dude, let's smoke! FOREVER! Just like we always said! / {{Alt-text: On the night we left high school for college, me and my boys said we'd always smoke forever. }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04232009 |
| Achewood - April 24, 2002 | [[Ray is knocking on a large door]]
/ Ray: Hey Lyle, you in there? Let's go get some suds! / [[Ray enters room through door]]
/ Ray: Whoah, when did they get a motorcycle? / [[Ray is working on climbing aboard the motorcycle]]
/ Ray: I wonder how you ride this thing. / [[Ray is sitting in an awkward position on the motorcycle cushion]]
/ Ray: This can't be right. Feels kinda unsafe. / [[Ray has finally got this shit figured out]]
/ Ray: Ahhh, there we go. / [[Ray is in thought about motorcycle adventures]]
/ Ray: You lookin' damn fine, ladies! / {{Today's alt text by Sean Collins of New York City: 'This party is now nine times longer than Woodstock'}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04242002 |
| Achewood - April 24, 2002 | [[Ray is knocking on a large door]]
/ Ray: Hey Lyle, you in there? Let's go get some suds! / [[Ray enters room through door]]
/ Ray: Whoah, when did they get a motorcycle? / [[Ray is working on climbing aboard the motorcycle]]
/ Ray: I wonder how you ride this thing. / [[Ray is sitting in an awkward position on the motorcycle cushion]]
/ Ray: This can't be right. Feels kinda unsafe. / [[Ray shifts his position so he's sitting side saddle]]
/ Ray: Ahhh, there we go. / [[Ray is in thought about motorcycle adventures]]
/ Ray: You lookin' damn fine, ladies! / {{Today's alt text by Sean Collins of New York City: 'This party is now nine times longer than Woodstock'}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04242002 |
| Achewood - April 24, 2002 | [[Ray is knocking on a large door]]
/ Ray: Hey Lyle, you in there? Let's go get some suds! / [[Ray enters room through door]]
/ Ray: Whoah, when did they get a motorcycle? / [[Ray is working on climbing aboard the motorcycle]]
/ Ray: I wonder how you ride this thing. / [[Ray is sitting in an awkward position on the motorcycle cushion]]
/ Ray: This can't be right. Feels kinda unsafe. / [[Ray decides to ride side-saddle on the gas tank.]]
/ Ray: Ahhh, there we go. / [[Ray is in thought about motorcycle adventures]]
/ Ray: You lookin' damn fine, ladies! / {{Today's alt text by Sean Collins of New York City: 'This party is now nine times longer than Woodstock'}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04242002 |
| Achewood - April 24, 2003 | {{ Sandwich board sign reads, "join the Mile High Club!" Private Cabin. Complimentary Moet. Couples Only. $50/couple/half hour. }} / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04242003 |
| Achewood - April 24, 2006 | [[Phillipe, still at the landfill, is aproached by a friendly hobo.]]
/ Hobo: Yer'n a funny li'l feller, pip-squeak! Whats't yer name?
/ Phillipe: I'll tell you if you tell me where they take the old couches!
/ Hobo: Aw'll heck, couches'n cherss all go on the barge same as what. We'n sell 'em to China whar they got not enough of 'em t'begin with, y'ken.
/ Phillipe: What barge? Where?
/ Hobo: C'mere'n I show ya. 'hit's docked out in channel, waiting 'fer the tug.
/ [[A large barge is shown, holding large bags. Seagulls are flying around it. On it says "S16607"]] / {{Alt-text: urrrtra - peeenut!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04242006 |
| Achewood - April 24, 2007 Beef's Baseball Conditions | Ray (on phone): Roast Beef! You got to join our all-stoned slow pitch softball team! / Roast Beef (on phone): Oh uh no thanks dogg I ain't like weed or or softball or teams on the balance / Ray: I know that! Don't act like I don't know that! You think I just fell off the not knowin' you boat yesterday? / RB: So why you whinin' at me then man I mean I knew your mom was a bitch but I didn't know she had a puppy / Ray: Don't do a grody mouth! I'm serious! I want everyone to be happy and cook hot dogs and hit! The hell you should flap your boys in my face! / RB: I will only join your team if I can play inside a plexiglass chamber that has little baby incubator arms so I can grill
/ Ray: I...of course! Man, you act like I don't even know you.
/ [[image of beef standing inside a plexiglass bell cover like those mantle clocks with the spinning pendulums have, arms coming out through protective sleeved gloves, grilling some weiners at first base. Someone, perhaps Teodor, appears to be playing right field.]] /
/ {{mouseover footnote: Ray knew it would come to this.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04242007 |
| Achewood - April 24, 2008 | Ray: [[on phone]] You said WHAT to Molly?
/ Ray: [[on phone]] Whoah. Not cool, Beef. / Ray: [[on phone]] Yeah, flowers go without sayin'. But seriously, dogg, you're in card territory. / [[AT THE STORE.]]
/ [[Roast Beef looking a greeting cards]] / Roast Beef: God what is with all these idiotic categories why ain't every dang card just blank inside
/ I could write down any of these regular concepts by myself I mean come on
/ [[Card Categories:
/ To My Wife
/ Happy Mother's Day!
/ You're a Graduate, Graduate!
/ Job Promotion
/ New Home
/ On the Birth of Our Third Son
/ I'm Your New Grandfather!]] / Roast Beef: Man I think I'll start my own damn card company I mean it ain't like everybody don't got the same basic ruined life as me and need the same damn cards! / [[LATER THAT EVENING.]]
/ Roast Beef: [[typing]] I'm Sorry I Forgot All Kinds of Stuff About You; I Was Having a Panic Attack
/ Roast Beef: [[typing]] I'm Sorry I Freaked Out On Red Bull And Made You Call The Doctor
/ Roast Beef: [typing]] Sorry About Yesterday (7-pack)
/ roast Beef: [typing]] I'm Sorry I Pretend That I Don't Read The Drudge Report
/ Roast Beef: [[typing]] Some Trashy White People Named Their Baby Jaylen? Dammit Woman Some Of Us Have Work To Do (inside) I'm Sorry Baby Look I Been Real On Edge Lately
/ Roast Beef: [[typing]] Sorry I Said "Ta-Da!" When I Jumped Out Of The Shower After Whining About Having An Embolism All Day I Know I'm A Roller Coaster
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04242008 |
| Achewood - April 24, 2008 | Ray: [[on phone]] You said WHAT to Molly?
/ Ray: [[on phone]] Whoah. Not cool, Beef. / Ray: [[on phone]] Yeah, flowers go without sayin'. But seriously, dogg, you're in card territory. / [[AT THE STORE.]]
/ [[Roast Beef looking a greeting cards]] / Roast Beef: God what is with all these idiotic categories why ain't every dang card just blank inside
/ I could write down any of these regular concepts by myself I mean come on
/ [[Card Categories:
/ To My Wife
/ Happy Mother's Day!
/ You're a Graduate, Graduate!
/ Job Promotion
/ New Home
/ On the Birth of Our Third Son
/ I'm Your New Grandfather!]] / Roast Beef: Man I think I'll start my own damn card company I mean it ain't like everybody don't got the same basic ruined life as me and need the same damn cards! / [[LATER THAT EVENING.]]
/ Roast Beef: [[typing]] I'm Sorry I Forgot All Kinds of Stuff About You; I Was Having a Panic Attack
/ Roast Beef: [[typing]] I'm Sorry I Freaked Out On Red Bull And Made You Call The Doctor
/ Roast Beef: [typing]] Sorry About Yesterday (7-pack)
/ roast Beef: [typing]] I'm Sorry I Pretend That I Don't Read The Drudge Report
/ Roast Beef: [[typing]] Some Trashy White People Named Their Baby Jaylen? Dammit Woman Some Of Us Have Work To Do (inside) I'm Sorry Baby Look I Been Real On Edge Lately
/ Roast Beef: [[typing]] Sorry I Said "Ta-Da!" When I Jumped Out Of The Shower After Whining About Having An Embolism All Day I Know I'm A Roller Coaster
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04242008 |
| Achewood - April 24, 2008 | Ray: [[on phone]] You said WHAT to Molly?
/ Ray: [[on phone]] Whoah. Not cool, Beef. / Ray: [[on phone]] Yeah, flowers go without sayin'. But seriously, dogg, you're in card territory. / [[AT THE STORE.]]
/ [[Roast Beef looking a greeting cards]] / Roast Beef: God what is with all these idiotic categories why ain't every dang card just blank inside
/ I could write down any of these regular concepts by myself I mean come on
/ [[Card Categories:
/ To My Wife
/ Happy Mother's Day!
/ You're a Graduate, Graduate!
/ Job Promotion
/ New Home
/ On the Birth of Our Third Son
/ I'm Your New Grandfather!]] / Roast Beef: Man I think I'll start my own damn card company I mean it ain't like everybody don't got the same basic ruined life as me and need the same damn cards! / [[LATER THAT EVENING.]]
/ Roast Beef: [[typing]] I'm Sorry I Forgot All Kinds of Stuff About You; I Was Having a Panic Attack
/ Roast Beef: [[typing]] I'm Sorry I Freaked Out On Red Bull And Made You Call The Doctor
/ Roast Beef: [typing]] Sorry About Yesterday (7-pack)
/ roast Beef: [typing]] I'm Sorry I Pretend That I Don't Read The Drudge Report
/ Roast Beef: [[typing]] Some Trashy White People Named Their Baby Jaylen? Dammit Woman Some Of Us Have Work To Do (inside) I'm Sorry Baby Look I Been Real On Edge Lately
/ Roast Beef: [[typing]] Sorry I Said "Ta-Da!" When I Jumped Out Of The Shower After Whining About Having An Embolism All Day I Know I'm A Roller Coaster
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04242008 |
| Achewood - April 25, 2002 | [[Ray wearing a sombrero]]
/ ¡HOY EN ESPAÑOL! / [[Teodor holds a VCR, Lyle gesticulates with a bottle of unidentified brown liquor]]
/ Teodor: Lyle, dónde está nuestro VCR normal?
/ Lyle: Eso ES nuestro VCR normal! No me molesta! / [[Teodor looks irritated, Lyle appears to check the safety on a handgun]]
/ Teodor: ¡No! ¡No! Nuestro VCR es un < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04252002 |
| Achewood - April 25, 2003 | [[Philippe wakes up in his bed, stretches, and yawns.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04252003 |
| Achewood - April 25, 2003 | [[Philippe wakes up in his bed, stretches, and yawns.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04252003 |
| Lyle's Trannie Sex Gig | [[Lyle is sitting on the floor with a bottle of liquor, looking at a newspaper spread out on the floor. Todd enters with a can of beer in his hand.]]
/ Todd: Wassup, prick? / Lyle: Todd! Find me a job, asshole. / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04252005 |
| Emeril and Beef abandon Teodor | [[Roast Beef, Teodor, and Emeril are running.]]
/ Beef: Doggs I know we got to hurry but damn I mean reckless is no way to play it we got to-- / [[Roast Beef steps in dog shit.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04252006 |
| Emeril and Beef abandon Teodor | [[Roast Beef, Teodor, and Emeril are running.]]
/ Beef: Doggs I know we got to hurry but damn I mean reckless is no way to play it we got to-- / [[Roast Beef steps in dog shit.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04252006 |
| PLAAAAYYYY BAAAALLLLL | [[View of a softball field from right of home plate, showing Téodor at first base, Roast Beef in a plexiglass chamber with a large "ROAST BEEF" sign at second, Cornelius at the pitcher's mound, and Todd to his right, facing third. There are charcoal grills at the mound and every visible base.]]
/ Ray (thinking): I did this. I made this happen. / [[Ray, happy, wearing Stoned Lightning team jersey and visibly baked.]]
/ Ray (thinking): All my guys, stoned, on the softball field. / [[Cornelius, stoned but poised.]]
/ Ray (thinking): Some ain't been stoned since major religious thinkers came out against the diorama... / [[Todd, with a wisp of smoke above his head.]]
/ Ray (thinking): Some ain't not been stoned. / [[Roast Beef, working the second base grill from within his plexiglass fortress.]]
/ Ray (thinking): Some ain't need to be stoned in order to have strange cares. / [[Vlad, with a head of thick, light hair and signing A-OK with his right hand.]]
/ Ray (thinking): The robot dressed up his hair like Pete Rose.
/ Ray (thinking): That's fine, cause that's okay. / {{Alt text: Roast Beef is the stoned person of sober sadness.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04252007 |
| PLAAAAYYYY BAAAALLLLL | [[View of a softball field from right of home plate, showing Téodor at first base, Roast Beef in a plexiglass chamber with a large "ROAST BEEF" sign at second, Cornelius at the pitcher's mound, and Todd to his right, facing third. There are charcoal grills at the mound and every visible base.]]
/ Ray (thinking): I did this. I made this happen. / [[Ray, happy, wearing Stoned Lightning team jersey and visibly baked.]]
/ Ray (thinking): All my guys, stoned, on the softball field. / [[Cornelius, stoned but poised.]]
/ Ray (thinking): Some ain't been stoned since major religious thinkers came out against the diorama... / [[Todd, with a wisp of smoke above his head.]]
/ Ray (thinking): Some ain't not been stoned. / [[Roast Beef, working the second base grill from within his plexiglass fortress.]]
/ Ray (thinking): Some ain't need to be stoned in order to have strange cares. / [[Vlad, with a head of thick, light hair and signing A-OK with his right hand.]]
/ Ray (thinking): The robot dressed up his hair like Pete Rose.
/ Ray (thinking): That's fine, cause that's okay. / {{Alt text: Roast Beef is the stoned person of sober sadness.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04252007 |
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