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| Achewood - April 6, 2007 | [[Dressed as Simon Cowell, Ray abruptly smashes through the wall of the motel room and into the bathroom.]] / [[Rod Huggins is seen from behind, taking a shower.]] / [[Startled, Rod turns around suddenly as Ray smashes through the wall.]] / [[Rod's eyeglasses are seen resting on top of the toilet.]] / [[Rod screams in horror.]]
/ Rod Huggins: AL... / Rod Huggins: -QAEEEDA! / [[Fearing for his life, Rod panics and turns to flee. He smashes through the opposite wall of the bathroom.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04062007 |
| Achewood § April 6, 2010 | Steve: Phillippe, I'm Steve DeNeuve, / Steve: The very fact that I'm here means your friends must care a great deal about you. / Steve: Now... you're going home to live with your mother, is that right?
/ Phillippe: Yes! I finally get to sleep in my old bed with the big ropy afghan and see dad's wooden ship model that's on the bookcase again! / Steve: Very good. Your father passed away when you were young, is that right? I'm sorry if this raises bad memories. / Phillippe: ...yeah. He was a really fun guy, but I guess he didn't live healthy. All mom says is that he "went on his own terms." / Steve: Mm hmm. Do you remember the old dinner plates - the beige ones with dark brown oak leaves and acorns painted around the edges?
/ Phillippe: Oh, boy! 'Course I do! I can see the hot pork chops on 'em now! / Steve: Exactly. And that Christmas when you made a crossbow out of a coat hanger and the elastic from an old pair of underwear?
/ Phillippe: Oh my gosh! HOOOME! I can't wait to get home again! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04062010 |
| Achewood - April 7, 2003 | [[Nice Pete hands Pat a bottle]]
/ Nice Pete: Seriously Pat try this liquor I made
/ Pat: What is it? / Nice Pete: I made it out of raisins that I fermented in a jar / Nice Pete: It's kind of like a...Schnapps, if you will / Pat: Ech! It's kind of like rocket fuel!
/ Nice Pete: Heh heh you'll get to like it / SOON:
/ [[Pat is visibly drunk]]
/ Nice Pete: See Pat when I get out / Nice Pete: I would like to open a company that sells cutting boards / Nice Pete: But the thing that is special about my cutting boards / Nice Pete: Is that they do not hold DNA evidence http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04072003 |
| Philippe in York | [[Photograph of a blue car parked in front of an old stone castle. Phillipe narrates]]
/ Phillipe; Chris said we were very luck to get to see Ali G's car. We waited for a while but Ali never came out of his house. / [[Photograph of a stuffed otter, presumably Phillipe, in a church]]
/ Phillipe; Everybody who thinks that York is boring, have your picture taken in a church! / [[Live-action Phillipe stands in the ruins of a fallen church]]
/ Phillipe; Or in an even older church! / [[Close up of Phillipe on a narrow street]]
/ Phillipe; The model railway museum costs 8£, which Chris said was 356 American dollars, so we didn't get to go in. / [[Philippe standing on a fence. Next to him, a street sign a motorcycle and a car below it]]
/ Philippe; I waited for an hour, but this never happened. / [[Silhouette of Philippe against silver-lined clouds]]
/ Philippe; Goodbye, York. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04072004 |
| Philippe in York | [[Photograph of a blue car parked in front of an old stone castle. Phillipe narrates]]
/ Phillipe; Chris said we were very lucky to get to see Ali G's car. We waited for a while but Ali never came out of his house. / [[Photograph of a stuffed otter, presumably Phillipe, in a church]]
/ Phillipe; Everybody who thinks that York is boring, have your picture taken in a church! / [[Live-action Phillipe stands in the ruins of a fallen church]]
/ Phillipe; Or in an even older church! / [[Close up of Phillipe on a narrow street]]
/ Phillipe; The model railway museum costs 8£, which Chris said was 356 American dollars, so we didn't get to go in. / [[Philippe standing on a fence. Next to him, a street sign a motorcycle and a car below it]]
/ Philippe; I waited for an hour, but this never happened. / [[Silhouette of Philippe against silver-lined clouds]]
/ Philippe; Goodbye, York. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04072004 |
| Achewood - April 7, 2006 | [[Philippe stands in the house's front doorway. He looks to the right.]] / [[Philippe stands in the house's front doorway. He looks to the left.]] / [[Philippe is walking down a dirt pathway, carrying a small bag. Some dead trees are in the foreground.]]
/ Philippe: Geology Greg from City College Community Minute says that marshes are where land and water meet! I'll just follow the creek! / [[Philippe slides down a slope.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04072006 |
| Achewood - April 8, 2002 | Ray: I guess you are becoming a man now, Little Nephew. My, where do the years go. / Ray: Now, you have to understand, getting one's Bone on is a big responsibility! / Ray: Are you sure you're ready? / Little Nephew: I...I think so.
/ Little Nephew: I even have some cologne. / Ray: Never mind cologne! have you got a jimmy hat?
/ Little Nephew: Y-yes. / Ray: Good! Now...you know how to put the jimmy onto your wee-wee, right? / {{alt text: never, don't hit it backpack-style}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04082002 |
| Achewood - April 8, 2002 | [[Little Nephew and Ray are sitting outside, Little Nephew looking embarassed, Ray with a glass in his hand]]
/ Ray: I guess you are becoming a man now, Little Nephew. My, where do the years go. / Ray: Now, you have to understand, getting one's Bone on is a big responsibility! / Ray: Are you sure you're ready? / Little Nephew: I...I think so.
/ Little Nephew: I even have some cologne. / Ray: Never mind cologne! have you got a jimmy hat?
/ Little Nephew: Y-yes. / Ray: Good! Now...you know how to put the jimmy onto your wee-wee, right? / {{alt text: never, don't hit it backpack-style}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04082002 |
| Achewood - April 8, 2003 | {{title: Murder, Explained}} / [[Nice Pete takes a swig from his bottle while Pat looks on from his bed]]
/ Nice Pete: Oh I been in prisons all over this land
/ Oak Park Hill
/ Devil's Slide
/ Even old Big Blue / [[Nice Pete finishes his swig]]
/ Nice Pete: Food was best at Big Blue / [[He passes the bottle to Pat]]
/ Pat: Why do they keep movin' you around? / [[A close-up on Pat's surprised face; Nice Pete remains out of frame]]
/ Nice Pete: I keep killin' my cell mates / [[Pat's point-of-view of Nice Pete sitting across from him]]
/ Nice Pete: Oh I know what you're thinkin' Pat / [[Pat's surprised expression]]
/ Nice Pete: Is he gonna kill me too / [[Pat looks more shocked, his mouth hanging open]]
/ Nice Pete: The answer is I don't know / [[Pat looks disturbed, frowning intensely]]
/ Nice Pete: Killin' is a special thing / [[A close-up on Nice Pete's face, his eyes widened]]
/ Nice Pete: It's a special thing you do
/ when you want someone to die / {{alt text: no one says it better than Pete}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04082003 |
| Philippe's London Trip | [[PHOTO: Phillipe poses with guard at the tower of London.]]
/ This man works at the Tower of London. Chris said he was Ricky Gervais' dad. Who is Ricky Gervais? / [[PHOTO: Philippe poses with two busts]]
/ Gin, Philippe, and Beer: Three bad dudes. / [[PHOTO: Philipe in the audience for The Rod Stewart Musical]]
/ We would have stayed at the Tower longer, but Chris's favorite show was in town. / {alt text: What, where, tomorrow, etc.} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04082004 |
| Achewood - April 8, 2008 | [[Cornelious at his computer having a conversation with Mr. teal through a dialog box]]
/ MR. TEAL says: Have you ever been married, COrnelius? I think that i should like to be married one day.
/ Cornelius: I have indeed. Why would you like to be married, Mr. Teal?
/ MR. TEAL says: Simply to have someone with whom to eat honey, and with whom to speak fondly of the honey we have eaten.
/ Cornelius: You are a true romantic, Mr. Teal. Is that one of yours?
/ MR. TEAL says: Yes. I enjoy honey a great deal, and it slips into my conversation now and again. Tell me of your own love for honey.
/ Cornelius: Oh, it's fine enough in its own right, I suppose. I wouldn't say that I necessarily love the stuff.
/ MR. TEAL says: To disregard honey is to turn up one's nose at the very essence of Mother Nature's grace and sweetness!
/ [[Cornelius begins to type "Heavens! I merely..." but it cut off by Mr. Teal]]
/ MR. TEAL says: PEOPLE WHO DO NOT ENJOY HONEY ARE RUBBISH! DOGLESS SHIRT-LIFTERS WHO LICK THEIR LIPS AS THEY ROGER ONE ANOTHER IN...STAIRWELLS!
/ Cornelius: Language, Mr. Teal!
/ MR. TEAL says: I...[ACK]...PIF...IF I...EVER...[ERGH]...HFFFFFFFFffffff 01010100 01010111 01000101 01000101 01010100
/ [[A series of descending musical notes are played from the computer]] / [[In a dialog box:]]
/ ERROR: Mr. Teal found himself greatly exercised by your statements and at the direction of a physician has traveled to Harrogate for a series of restorative tonics / [[Cornelius thinks:]] The delicate little fellow! I hope he finds it in himself to forgive me when he has recovered... / [[SOON.]]
/ [[The Publican has taken Mr. Teal's place on the screen]]
/ Publican: AND ONE MORE THING! THE PAKIS, WORKIN' THREE OF OUR JOBS AND LODGIN' TEN TO A ROOM...IT'S JUST NOT RIGHT, I SAY. SIFTIN' THE COD FROM OUT CHILDREN'S VERY BLOOD, THEY ARE! / [[Cornelius thinks:]] I only wanted to hook up a blasted printer... / {{alt-text: Even now Mr. Teal has a cold washcloth on the back of his neck and his beak in a thimble of sulphur-water}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04082008 |
| Achewood ? April 8, 2009 | [[Roast Beef and Molly laying in bed together]]
/ Molly: Your birthday's coming up, babe. Would you like to do anything special, maybe? / [[Close up on Roast Beef]]
/ Roast Beef, thinking: Oh man she wants to go to a bed and breakfast / [[Roast Beef and Molly laying in bed together]]
/ Roast Beef, thinking: What is with a bed and breakfast anyway
/ How come it is so great to get up and eat a scone in a large old house with rose images on all of the cloth and walls / [[Close up on Roast Beef]]
/ Roast Beef, thinking: All some husband who got talked into running a bed and breakfast cooking "not chef"-quality scrambled eggs when you smile into the dining room / Roast Beef, thinking: All no man in the world understanding the appeal of anything that is happening / [[Roast Beef, wearing a shirt and tie and with black hair parted on one side, holding a sheet of paper from which he is reading. With with is Jim, a bed and breakfast owner with a bar over his eyes to protect his identity]]
/ Roast Beef: So Jim it says here that when you retired your wife talked you into opening a bed and breakfast
/ Didn't want to spend the last twenty years of your life listening to her pout over her stupid idea huh ?
/ Jim: No. I did not. / Roast Beef: So these days you get up at six a.m. to scramble eggs for people who think it's a real high time to sleep in a room full of your wife's cheap antiques ?
/ Jim: That about sums it up. / Roast Beef: Vase of dried hydrangeas, vase of dried acanthus, or vase of dried rununculas ? which would you rather throw at your wife ?
/ Jim: All thr?hey, that wasn't nice. / Roast Beef: Since the operation do you notice that you are less aggressive and don't mark the furniture as much ?
/ Jim: Go ahead and laugh, young man. Seriously... while you still know how. / {{Title: Bead and Breakfast]]
/ {{Alt text: Jim got the first half of marriage, and Deb gets the second half.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04082009 |
| Achewood § April 8, 2010 | Steve: You know, when I was a kid about your age, my dad made me the best burger I've ever tasted. / Phillippe: Wow, I'll bet.
/ Steve: We had one of those electric skillets, like you use for making pancakes, you know?
/ Phillippe: Yeah! With the orange light that says it's ready! / Steve: Right. My dad griddled me a burger in there, along with a few slices of onion. I'd never had griddled onions before.
/ Phillippe: You don't say! / Steve: When the burger was nice and crusty, he put the onions on top and melted a slice of cheddar cheese over that.
/ Phillippe: Sounds tasty. / Steve: Try as I might, I've never had a burger quite so satisfying. / Phillippe: Well, I bet mom cooks me her famous pork chops with hot asparagus and buttered rice! She makes the best pork chops in the whole WORLD! / Steve: Yeah, she just might, if you make sure to ask. Will you make sure to ask? Moms love to cook their kids' favorite dishes. / Phillippe: I always had that with cold Acidophilus milk! Boy, what a great drink to-
/ Steve: Phillippe! You'll ask, won't you? About the pork chops and buttered rice? / Phillippe: Yeah sure! 'Course! Anyways, after that, we always have a scoop of fifty-fifty! That's orange and vanilla ice cream where the flavors are in stripes and... / Steve: Here it is, little guy. One-five-five. Here, let's get you unbuckled. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04082010 |
| Achewood - April 9, 2002 | [[PHILLIPE stares at ULTRA PEANUT'S discarded clothing, clearly at a loss.]] / [[RAY offers instructions to LITTLE NEPHEW, holding out his hand and twisting it back and forth.]]
/ RAY: Now do like this with your free hand.
/ LITTLE NEPHEW: Like this, Uncle Ray? / [[LIE BOT is speaking to TODD and another squirrel, in the background. LYLE, in the foreground, is glaring back at them, his left hand occupied with a whiskey bottle.]]
/ LIE BOT: First of all, Lyle can't even READ cursive!
/ SQUIRREL: Ha ha!
/ TODD: What a fag! / [[TEODOR, dressed in a tuxedo, stares mournfully out a window.]]
/ TEODOR: Penny... / [[The panels begin to fragment as the pace of our observation picks up.]] / [[ROAST BEEF, cigarette in hand, is speaking to CORNELIUS and his girlfriend. His dialogue is partially obscured by the next panel.]]
/ ROAST BEEF: I want to commit suicide / [[LYLE pushes LIE BOT from behind, sending him to the ground]] / [[INSET PANEL: TEDOOR suddenly looks surprised, or startled.]] / [[LYLE, crouches on LIE BOT's opened chest, yanking out wires with abandon.]]
/ LYLE: Hey, what's this? Cursive? / [[PHILLIPPE's clothing lies neatly next to ULTRA PEANUT's. Apparently, PHILLIPPE has joined ULTRA PEANUT - to do what, we can only guess at.]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04092002 |
| Achewood - April 9, 2003 | {{title: Killing is Like Basketball}} / [[Close up on Pat's disconcerted expression]]
/ Pat: What's it like to...what's it like to kill someone, Pete? / [[Pat's point-of-view of Nice Pete staring back, wide-eyed and silent]] / [[Same point-of-view, but Pete is now speaking with his head leaned forward]]
/ Nice Pete: It's kind of like / [[An empty basketball court]]
/ Nice Pete: It's kind of like playin' a basketball game / [[Nice Pete in the basketball court from behind; he is crouching wearing a basketball jersey with the number "06," tube socks, and nothing else]]
/ Nice Pete: I am there / [[The other end of the court is seen with a shadowy player in the distance under the hoop]]
/ Nice Pete: and the other player is there / [[Close up on Pete from behind]]
/ Nice Pete: and it's just the two of us / [[Close up of the back of a van with one of its doors open]]
/ Nice Pete: and I put the other player's body in my van / [[Close up of the scoreboard, which reads "Home: 00; Visitor: 01" with four seconds left on the clock]]
/ Nice Pete: and I am the winner / {{alt text: "The 'rough cider'? The Rough Cider. It's a term." http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04092003 |
| Achewood - April 9, 2008 | [[Cornelius sits in his comfy chair, reading a book]] / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04092008 |
| Achewood § April 9, 2009 | [[Ray is carrying a paper bag toward a big city-supplied trash receptacle]] / [[A sign on the bin reads: "Use of this trash receptacle for anything other than its intended purpose is strictly forbidden. The City and collection company are not responsible for any injury, harm, or death caused by improper use."]] / [[Ray is reading the sign]] / [[Ray is beginning to get ideas]] / [[Ray has gotten ideas]] / [[The trash bin is tied to a rocket and Ray is addressing several children]]
/ Ray: Hey! Do any of you kids have curiosity about... space?! [[A child is raising his hand]] / [[Ray is inside the bin holding a cookie sheet and wearing a black bandana and gloves]]
/ Ray: WHOOO...WANTS TO KNOWWW...WHY MY COOOOKIES...TASTE SO BAAAAD! / [[Ray is shooting the bin gangster style]] < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04092009 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04092010">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04092010 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - April 10, 2002 | [[Philippe and Ultra Peanut's clothes lying on the floor]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04102002 |
| Achewood - April 10, 2002 | [[Philippe and Ultra Peanut's clothes lying on the floor]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04102002 |
| Achewood - April 10, 2003 | [[Ray is visiting Pat in prison; the two converse using phone-intercoms. Ray looks concerned.]] / RAY: So tell me about prison life, Pat!
/ RAY: Who's your cell mate? Is he alright? / PAT: Apparently he's like the Dr. J of murdering people!
/ PAT: Aren't you guys doing anything to get me out of here? / RAY: It's hard, Pat! You cold shot a man!
/ RAY: It ain't like you just fucked up your recycling! / PAT: Well, what are you doing about it?
/ RAY: _Pat!_ I mean, _really!_ / RAY: Don't you care at all how he's doin?
/ RAY: You've known him since small times! / RAY: BMX bikes, man!
/ RAY: Scammin' each other for Capri Suns! / RAY: _Gettin' busted for drawin' Ramona Quimby doin' the Principal!_ http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04102003 |
| Achewood - April 10, 2007 | [[Pat's motel room, now with hole in wall. Pat is revealed to not be masturbating at all but in fact putting golf balls. He looks back at naked, dripping, spectacle-less Rod.]]
/ Pat: R-Rod Huggins?! / [[Rod squints at Pat]]
/ Rod: [[thinking]] What a _dish_! / [[Rod quickly leaves Pat's room]] / [[Pat looks shocked]] / [[The room is now empty...]] / [[Rod casually reappears, whistling, now dressed in towel and glasses]] / [[Pat smiles]] / Rod: You know my work, pudding? / Pat: I just rented SoftBoys: Picnic Panic XXVI last week! / Pat: How you still manage to look genuinely panicked at having left the picnic basket at home for the twenty-sixth time is... incredible! How do you do it? / Rod: You're sweet, cinnamon face. I'm a method actor. I leave a picnic basket at home before each shoot.
/ Rod: Juilliard has so much more to offer the world than bitches who are so smart they can't pee, you know? / Pat: Juilliard. I knew it! The way you and Trot Husky squabble in XXIV--about who forgot the picnic basket--it was Rosencrantz & Guildenstern all over again!
/ Rod: He was my roommate all four years! VERY good! Let's continue this chat over cobbler and cake, sugar factory. / {{The idea is, they get so panicked about the forgotten picnic basket that they fuck.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04102007 |
| Achewood - April 10, 2008 | [[Mr. Bear is wearing clandestine dark-coloured, night-time winter gear, and typing furiously on the Shrovis laptop]] < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04102008 |
| Achewood - April 11, 2002 | [[Vlad is on the phone with Philippe's Mom, who was trying to reach Philippe.]] / Philippe's Mom: Hello? Hello? Who is this? "Flod"? / Vlad: Is Vlad, baby. We are connectink, no? You haf such sexy voice. / Philippe's Mom: Flod, this is Philippe's mother. Is he there? / Vlad: A woman's voice, is such rarest flower. But I pick it. Vlad picks, petal from petal, until you are nudest you are ever being. / Vlad: Until you are so nude. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04112002 |
| Achewood - April 11, 2002 | [[Vlad is on the phone with Philippe's Mom, who was trying to reach Philippe.]] / Philippe's Mom: Hello? Hello? Who is this? "Flod"? / Vlad: Is Vlad, baby. We are connectink, no? You haf such sexy voice. / Philippe's Mom: Flod, this is Philippe's mother. Is he there? / Vlad: A woman's voice, is such rarest flower. But I pick it. Vlad picks, petal from petal, until you are nudest you are ever being. / Vlad: Until you are so nude. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04112002 |
| Achewood - April 11, 2002 | [[Vlad is on the phone with Philippe's Mom, who was trying to reach Philippe. There are pictures of Philippe on the wall.]] / Philippe's Mom: Hello? Hello? Who is this? "Flod"? / [[Vlad clutches a beer and leans into the phone.]]
/ Vlad: Is Vlad, baby. We are connectink, no? You haf such sexy voice. / [[Philippe's Mom looks worried.]]
/ Philippe's Mom: Flod, this is Philippe's mother. Is he there? / [[Vlad remains intense.]]
/ Vlad: A woman's voice, is such rarest flower. But I pick it. Vlad picks, petal from petal, until you are nudest you are ever being. / [[Close up on the top of Vlad's face.]]
/ Vlad: Until you are so nude. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04112002 |
| Bead Shop | [[Roast Beef and Molly walk down the street].]
/ Molly; "Ooh, can we stop in the bead shop for just a minute?" / [[Beef stands alone.]]
/ Beef; "What" / [[Beef stands in the bead shop behind Molly.]]
/ Beef's thoughts; "Oh holy crap oh no" / [[Beef looks very concerned.]]
/ Beef's thoughts; "That stillness in the air, the silence of the carpet. This is a Boring place!" / [[Beef looks at some beads.]]
/ Beef's thoughts; "Each one of these beads is so boring" / [[Beef looks at the edge of a container.]]
/ Beef's thoughts; "Even...even the edge of this container is boring" / [[Beef holds up a sign and a megaphone as if at a protest. The sign reads SUPPORT EUTHANASIA FOR DUDES WHO HAVE BEEN BROUGHT TO THE BEAD SHOP.]] / [[Beef continues to look at the container.]]
/ Beef's thoughts; "Somewhere right now Wallace Shawn is ears-deep in cleavage just giggling his head off. And I am at the bead shop" / [[Beef continues to look at the container. He seems angry.]]
/ Beef's thoughts; "Right now Danny De Vito and Andy Kaufman are eating in a secret basement room at 21. And I am at the bead shop." / [[Beef continues to look, even more angry now.]]
/ Beef's thoughts; "Dennis Rodman and Carly Simon are making love in the bathroom at Bob Dylan's illegal ranch on Neptune. And I am at the bead shop." / [[Molly looks at some beads and smiles.]]
/ Molly; "Oh, look! Buy nine beads and the tenth bead is free!" / [[Beef is completely enraged.]]
/ Beef's thoughts; "Letterman hires a company to jump an RV over a Wal-Mart and the Red Hot Chili Peppers agree to play while strapped to its roof. Meanwhile Google returns zero results and suggests a misspelling of my last name." / {{Alt Text: Everyone has their Boring place.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04112005 |
| Bead Shop | [[Roast Beef and Molly walk down the street.]]
/ Molly; "Ooh, can we stop in the bead shop for just a minute?" / [[Beef stands alone.]]
/ Beef; "What" / [[Beef stands in the bead shop behind Molly.]]
/ Beef's thoughts; "Oh holy crap oh no" / [[Beef looks very concerned.]]
/ Beef's thoughts; "That stillness in the air, the silence of the carpet. This is a Boring place!" / [[Beef looks at some beads.]]
/ Beef's thoughts; "Each one of these beads is so boring" / [[Beef looks at the edge of a container.]]
/ Beef's thoughts; "Even...even the edge of this container is boring" / [[Beef holds up a sign and a megaphone as if at a protest. The sign reads SUPPORT EUTHANASIA FOR DUDES WHO HAVE BEEN BROUGHT TO THE BEAD SHOP.]] / [[Beef continues to look at the container.]]
/ Beef's thoughts; "Somewhere right now Wallace Shawn is ears-deep in cleavage just giggling his head off. And I am at the bead shop" / [[Beef continues to look at the container. He seems angry.]]
/ Beef's thoughts; "Right now Danny De Vito and Andy Kaufman are eating in a secret basement room at 21. And I am at the bead shop" / [[Beef continues to look, even more angry now.]]
/ Beef's thoughts; "Dennis Rodman and Carly Simon are making love in the bathroom at Bob Dylan's illegal ranch on Neptune. And I am at the bead shop" / [[Molly looks at some beads and smiles.]]
/ Molly; "Oh, look! Buy nine beads and the tenth bead is free!" / [[Beef is completely enraged.]]
/ Beef's thoughts; "Letterman hires a company to jump an RV over a Wal-Mart and the Red Hot Chili Peppers agree to play while strapped to its roof. Meanwhile Google returns zero results and suggests a misspelling of my last name" / {{Alt Text: Everyone has their Boring place.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04112005 |
| Achewood - April 11, 2006 | [[Philippe is sleeping outside, shivering in the freezing night.]]
/ << zzzzzzzzzz brrrrrr zzzzzzzz brrrrrr>> / [[Scene change: A tunnel built into a cliff. Something is wheeling out of it.]]
/ <<< scree scree scree >> / [[Two horribly burnt figures appear: a bald slim charecter wearing a hankerchief, shirt and pants (with a protosis on the left leg.) and a a fat legless character strapped into a wheelchair wearing a cap, black sweater and pants.]] / [[Scene change: Ray, Teodor, Roast Beef and Emeril are drinking.]]
/ Ray: So, like I was sayin'! When you gonna drop the ring on Molly, Beef? / Roast Beef: Dogg you only want a wedding so you can gruffle a kilogram of bacon-wrapped shrimp
/ All dipping the broccoli so deep into the ranch dressing that your cuff is rolled and you are pulling up the bracelet with the other hand / [[Ray is patting Roast Beef in the back. Beef is taking a sip of his beverage.]]
/ Ray: This is him! This is my guy! That's why he's my guy!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04112006 |
| Achewood - April 11, 2006 | [[Philippe is sleeping outside, shivering in the freezing night.]]
/ << zzzzzzzzzz brrrrrr zzzzzzzz brrrrrr>> / [[Scene change: A tunnel built into a cliff. Something is wheeling out of it.]]
/ <<< scree scree scree >> / [[Two horribly burnt figures appear: a bald slim charecter wearing a hankerchief, shirt and pants (with a protosis on the left leg.) and a a fat legless character strapped into a wheelchair wearing a cap, black sweater and pants.]] / [[Scene change: Ray, Teodor, Roast Beef and Emeril are drinking.]]
/ Ray: So, like I was sayin'! When you gonna drop the ring on Molly, Beef? / Roast Beef: Dogg you only want a wedding so you can gruffle a kilogram of bacon-wrapped shrimp
/ All dipping the broccoli so deep into the ranch dressing that your cuff is rolled and you are pulling up the bracelet with the other hand / [[Ray is patting Roast Beef in the back. Beef is taking a sip of his beverage.]]
/ Ray: This is him! This is my guy! That's why he's my guy!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04112006 |
| Achewood - April 11, 2007 | [[Back at the Onstad residence, Ray enjoys a martini as he checks up on Roast Beef and Téodor's post-production work with the Rod Huggins footage.]]
/ [[Caption: SOON THEREAFTER.]]
/ Ray: Alright, guys! How's that compositin' goin'? You able to make some pretty hot scenes outta all that Rod footage? / [[Téodor is seated at his desktop workstation with Roast Beef standing behind him and looking on as Ray joins them.]]
/ Téodor: It's terrible. We don't have any idea what we're doing, and I don't think it would matter if we did.
/ Roast Beef: We got no chops on this device
/ Ray: Baloney! Show me show me. / [[A close-up of Téodor's monitor is shown, displaying the video editing program. The playback has been paused on a frame depicts seven copied images of Ron Huggins taken from the footage and arranged in a pyramid formation on the motel bed.]] / [[Ray looks on, vaugely unimpressed. Roast Beef and Téodor look slightly helpless.]]
/ Ray: Huh. You got any other frames I can see?
/ Téodor: Maybe some of our early experiments... / [[Another frame in the video editor shows two duplicate images of Rod hunched over with his hands behind his back, seated on opposite corners of the bed.]]
/ Téodor: (voiceover) "Cherub Standoff at the Gargoyle Corral..." / [[A third frame depicts two images of Rod arranged so that one appears to be lying on its back while the other is balanced on the first one's hands.
/ Téodor: (voiceover) "The Chinese Acrobats..." / [[A fourth frame consists of two images of Rod arranged so that one is standing on the bed, his tongue sticking out and one arm outstretched, pushing away the image of Rod posing on his hands and knees, which has been turned sideways so that he appears to be kneeling.]]
/ Téodor: (voiceover) "No, Father. The Family Business Dies With You. I am a Yale man now..." / [[Téodor unpauses the playback. The kneeling image of Rod falls backwards and off of the bed, and "YOU WIN" is superimposed over the video.]] / [[Ray looks on, unhappy.]]
/ Ray: Huh. Yeah. This ain't goin' too good. Maybe we got to talk about things. / {{Alt text: "Ray is focused. This is not sign-on-the-line gay porn."}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04112007 |
| Achewood § April 11, 2008 | Policeman: Let's just have a look-see at what's on this floppy, shall we Nolan? / Cornelius: I tell you, my name is Cornelius! You are making a grave error!
/ Policeman: Boys, check Nolan's files for an AKA Cornelius. / Policeman: Because of what I expect we'll find on this disk, Nolan, I have to open it on a special, remote "virtual" computer at the FBI. Just so that no one thinks we have kiddie porn on our own local machines. / [[MEANWHILE.]]
/ Téodor: Hey Cornelius! You around? / Téodor: Huh, his special Victorian tinnitus cap is missing! He never takes that thing down. / Téodor (thinking): His car's out too...and I didn't see that new laptop on his desk...
/ Ray: Hey T! What's the hap-haps, man m' man? / Ray: Oh, and dude! You should have seen Connie earlier! Sayin' he was in some big hurry, all dressed in black, talkin' wistful about basic stuff like sounds... / Téodor (thinking): Old age...tinnitus...all black...car's gone...brought his laptop for a goodbye note... / Téodor: Ray! I think he's finally doing it! I think he's gone to the woods to let nature run its course!
/ Ray: You guys do that too? I thought it was just old cats! / Téodor: No one needs to do that with modern medicine! We have to go find him! What if he's sitting demented in a creek?
/ Ray: Right, right. / [[SOON, AT CORNELIUS'S FAVORITE CAMPING SITE]]
/ Téodor: Look, he started to dig his own grave but he got so demented he must have wandered off!
/ Ray: His computer's in the car. Let's check it for a note. / Publician: GREEKS? PAH. THE BRITISH INVENTED HOMELESSNESS. NOT PROUD 'A THAT ONE, BUT WHEN YOU'RE BUSY CREATIN' THE MODERN WORLD, SOME THINGS ARE BOUND TO GET COCKED UP. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04112008 |
| The Party: Day XXIV: Blood Beagle | [[Blister and Todd is standing by Todd's van. Loud music is playing in the background]]
/ Blister: IT'S YOUR MASTER CYLINDER TODD YOU BLEW A GASKET
/ Todd: That s-s-sucks! / Blister: TOTALLY
/ Todd: And so does this music! Let's listen to some tunes in the van. / [[Blister and Todd sits in the van. The music is less loud]]
/ Blister: HEY IS THIS BLOOD EAGLE
/ Todd: Aww yeah! / Blister: MY FIRST TIME WAS TO THIS SONG
/ Todd: No way! Me too! / Blister: MAN I HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS DOING
/ Todd: You can say that again! / Blister: SHE HAD ALL THESE STING TAPES BUT I WAS LIKE NO DEFINITELY BLOOD EAGLE / {{title text: based on a memory of a song by Hearter Attack}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04122002 |
| The Party: Day XXIV: Blood Beagle | [[Blister and Todd is standing by Todd's van. Loud music is playing in the background]]
/ Blister: IT'S YOUR MASTER CYLINDER TODD YOU BLEW A GASKET
/ Todd: That s-s-sucks! / Blister: TOTALLY
/ Todd: And so does this music! Let's listen to some tunes in the van. / [[Blister and Todd sits in the van. The music is less loud]]
/ Blister: HEY IS THIS BLOOD BEAGLE
/ Todd: Aww yeah! / Blister: MY FIRST TIME WAS TO THIS SONG
/ Todd: No way! Me too! / Blister: MAN I HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS DOING
/ Todd: You can say that again! / Blister: SHE HAD ALL THESE STING TAPES BUT I WAS LIKE NO DEFINITELY BLOOD BEAGLE / {{title text: based on a memory of a song by Hearter Attack}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04122002 |
| Achewood - April 12, 2004 | [[Todd and Roast Beef in room. Todd is holding tax forms]]
/ [[Todd shakes his tax forms]]
/ Todd: Hey Roast Beef! Can you help me do my t-t-taxes?
/ Roast Beef:Well Sure Todd I would be happy to
/ Roast Beef: It's good to see you filin' early that is dope / [[Roast Beef looks at forms with pencil in hand]]
/ Roast Beef: Alright first you basically got to declare your income and how you come by that income
/ Todd: I run smack in my van! / [[Roast Beef begins writing on form]]
/ Roast Beef: Hm that's definitely gonna raise a red flag Let's just say you're a private contracter
/ Todd: A contracter! Nice! Real respectable like! / Roast Beef: And how much money did you make last year
/ Todd: I dunno! Not much, I bet. / Roast Beef: Well that particular figure is very important here
/ Roast Beef: We can't really move foward without it
/ Todd: What's the best number to say? / [[Roast Beef puts pencil down and holds forearms slightly off table]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh you don't want to go makin' stuff up
/ Roast Beef: You gonna get audited if you do
/ Todd: What's gettin' audited? / [[Beef leans towards Todd, eyes widened in an uncomforting manner]]
/ Roast Beef: That's when a man comes to your house and he just looks at you / [[Beef leans even more, with eyes even wider and scarier. Todd shakily leans back in fright]]
/ Roast Beef: He just looks at you and he knows that you lied / {{alt text: Reprint of Febuary 27, 2003}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04122004 |
| Achewood - April 12, 2005 | [[Lyle is working on the letter folding machine/joint roller, when Ray enters, looking badly spooked.]]
/ Ray: Lyle, man! We gotta call it quits! No more joint company! / Lyle: What, asshole? / Ray: I been gettin' threats from this drug dealer goes by the handle of Japan Man! We gotta pack it in! / Lyle: You mean YOU gotta pack it in. I ain't afraid of some punk with an aftermarket tailpipe and a D in typing. / Ray: This dude snuck into my house! He took a secret picture of me on the can! / Lyle: Cool. Guy can take all the can shots he wants of me. I got technique. / Ray: Ain't you get it, man? He ain't gonna stop at that! / Lyle: You think he'll graduate to actual toilet cams?
/ Ray: No, I - no, man! No! Jesus, Lyle! / Ray: I'm talkin' sleepin' with the fishes! Cement shoes! / Lyle: If he wanted you dead you'd be dead by now. He just took a picture of you on the toilet because he's weird. / Ray: Yeah, I guess you're right! The dude is sick! Probably had issues potty training! / Ray: Maybe he doesn't even sell weed at all, and just uses that as a cover for takin' pictures of me on the can!
/ Lyle: Exactly. / {{alt text - Alt text returns Wednesday!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04122005 |
| Achewood - April 12, 2007 | Rod: Hmmm. I think I'm in the mood for peach cobbler with cheddar and a mocha. Doesn't that just sound divine, pudding? / Pat: I... I'm not seeing a lot of vegan options here.
/ Rod: Well, why would you? This is a restaurant, not a florist. / Pat: [[thinking]] So Rod's a boor. Oh well, everyone needs a project. / Pat: I don't patronize any artificial systems that create needless suffering, is all.
/ Rod: Well, then I guess we won't be playing much Twister. / Pat: You can sass all you want, but that slice of cheddar means a hopeless cow sits trapped in a tiny, smelly pen all day.
/ Rod: So get her a couple of brats and turn on the soaps. If you're going to rant by numbers, at least paint a complete picture, rhubarb loins. / Pat: If you weren't Rod Huggins, I'd probably leave you with your cheddar and the check right about now.
/ Rod: [[thinking]] So Pat's a bore. Oh well, everyone needs a project. / {{Title/Alt Text: The more ruffled Rod gets, the less his nicknames sound like nice sweets/anatomy combinations. }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04122007 |
| Achewood - April 13, 2004 | [[Showbiz is holding a bottle, next to a pair of sunglasses on the table.]]
/ Showbiz: Hey! Where you goin', Beef?! / Roast Beef: Ray! RAY! Where you at man / [[Ray is laying down on the floor of a restroom stall. We can see him underneath the door.]]
/ Ray: [[singing]] Where is Ray / Roast Beef: Man Ray you a shambles What the hell man where's your underpants
/ Ray: [[singing]] In heaven / Roast Beef: Oh god flush the toilet once in a while why don't you You my most disgusting friend you know that
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04132004 |
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