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| Achewood - March 31, 2004 | [[Ray is shown on a typewriter in the streets of Berlin, wearing his newspaper suit as he furiously types his Lambda Manifesto, the manifesto is shown at the right and reads as follows]] / We are slaves to the LAMBDAS (waves of energy) which resonate thoughout all matter as a result of the big bang. / Retailer Hammacher Schlemmer provides the so-called "sonic insect trap," which is known to cancel out the Lambda, or Universal Baseline. / Once free from the UB, one can freely converse with the Angels who occasionally observe and chronicle our "progress." They paint a very different story indeed. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03312004 |
| Achewood - March 31, 2005 | [[Teodor holds a presentation board]]
/ Teodor: Here it is, fellows... your new logo! / [[Logo reads "Lyle and Ray's Perfect Jays", image of a joint with Ray's head on one end wearing Aviator sunglasses. He has stringy hair and holds a J in his mouth expectantly. On the opposite end of the joint, the head of Lyle with a push-broom mustache. He extends a lit Zippo to Ray.]] / Ray: Man, I hate this logo! / [[Ray throws hands up]]
/ Ray: I ain't wear aviators and have chemistry people hair!
/ Lyle: Why'd you make me look fat, T? / Teodor: When you start a company like this, it's important that you look like a couple of dumbfucks from Vermont. / Ray [pointing angrily]: Wrong, wrong, {{italicized}}wrong. / Ray: When we say "perfect," we mean, like, Swiss, you know? / Ray: Picture a perfect Swiss man sitting in his cubic black leather armchair, the crisp click of his lighter as he flames an unforgivingly precise jay-- / Teodor: You're naïve! Perfect Swiss men probably account for under one ten-millionth of a percent of worldwide joint sales! / Ray [leans in on Teodor]: Shame on you for thinking the demographic is inflexible! Sometimes the product creates the consumer, T! / Teodor: Come on! Compete in the established marketplace, you pussy!
/ Ray [points]: Yeah, and get iced by Mexican yeyo boys? No thanks, fool! / [Lyle puts paws to ears, others look surprised]
/ Lyle: SHUT UP! Shut up, both of you! God, I've never wanted to start a joint company less in my life! / {{Alt text: It's a Stay Away from Mexican Yeyo Boys Thursday}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03312005 |
| Achewood - April 1, 2002 | [[Lie Bot and Chucklebot.]]
/ Lie Bot: Ha ha! Chucklebot! You've still got it.
/ Chucklebot: YO I CAN'T STAY TOO LATE / Lie Bot: Why not? / Chucklebot: I HAVE TO KILL MY GIRLFRIEND TOMORROW
/ Lie Bot: Whoah! You're working some rough chuckles these days! / Chucklebot: WHAT, WAS THAT TOO MUCH?
/ Lie Bot: Eh... / Chucklebot: THAT WAS SOME NEW MATERIAL I'VE BEEN WORKING ON / Chucklebot: I'M TRYING TO GET INSIDE YOUR HEAD, YOU KNOW? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04012002 |
| Achewood - April 1, 2003 | Vlad: Roast Beef! Did you get video card I am sendink!
/ Roast Beef: Yeah but Vlad why did you make me pay for priority mail / Roast Beef: I mean I live next door pretty much
/ Roast Beef: And you did not send me a peripheral it was basically just some pamphlets about tooth decay / Vlad: Excellent! So we are exchangink feedbacks?
/ Roast Beef: Well heh heh I kinda already did that Vlad / [[Vlad at computer]]
/ Caption: LATER / [[eBay screenshot]]
/ 137 positives. 133 are from unique users.
/ 0 neutrals. 0 are from unique users.
/ 1 negatives. 1 are from unique users.
/ Feedback for vlad12roses (13
/ Leave feedback for vlad12roses
/ Read feedback by vlad12roses
/ Left by
/ roastbeef94070 (536)
/ Complaint: Hella slow, did not recieve product
/ super-olof (64)
/ Praise: Seller is so good. A+ / [[Vlad at computer]]
/ Vlad: Roast Beef, you are payink for all eternities!!! / [[eBay screenshot]]
/ Leave feedback for user:
/ roastbeef94070 (536)
/ This transaction was:
/ positive
/ neutral
/ negative [[selected]]
/ Buyer tries to stab me.
/ Signs me up for so much spam!
/ Your comment (max 80 characters) / {{alt-text: I just KNOW this guy has a curly mohawk}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04012003 |
| Achewood - April 1, 2004 | Roast Beef: Hey John- Wake up!
/ Ray: Huh? What, Deanster? / Roast Beef: Your alarm clock has been going off for an hour / Ray: Oh No! I'm going to be late for my job...at the alarm clock company! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04012004 |
| Achewood - April 1, 2004 | Roast Beef: Hey John- Wake up!
/ Ray: Huh? What, Deanster? / Roast Beef: Your alarm clock has been going off for an hour / Ray: Oh No! I'm going to be late for my job...at the alarm clock company! / {{alt text: AGH I am SO CLOSE to figuring out how to get syndicated}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04012004 |
| Achewood - April 1, 2005 | [[Map of Achewood Underground
/ Survey 187-B-109298 C.H. Mohr & Assoc. sn. 1 of 7 / Fig. 1: Sample cross section of the Achewood underground. / Excavation and construction of the Achewood underground began in earnest in 1945, spearheaded by billionaire (feline) developer J. Vincent J. Lemoni, who sensed an imminent postwar population boom in the area. Achewood is connected to the National Subterranean Transit Link (NSTL) via light rail, and is a Full Communications Partner with international privileges via Craydon Teledyne. / Prior to 1945, non-human species assumed residence in natural caves, forests, riverbanks, and abandoned buildings (mainly in the blighted East Achewood division, where sightings of "animals with human behavior" were generally written off as hallucinations by the chronically intoxicated populace). / Mr. Lemoni sought to create a framework where commerce could flourish, safe from human detection. The Achewood underground has been a modest success, and as of this survey has enjoyed the addition of an upscale shopping district and new medical center. All Achewood underground property is leased from the Lemoni Holding Company, and each LHC underground city is conceived as a franchise, managed by a small team of LHC local executives.]] / {{title text: Panel 2 of 2 and Legend next week.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04012005 |
| Achewood - April 1, 2008 | Cornelius: Roast Beef! I say! Could you assist me in the selection of a personal computer? / Roast Beef: Oh yeah Cornelius definitely in the main I mean for real so like what are you looking for? / Cornelius: A sturdy little fellow, full of zip and dash! One that pops open each morning ready to put the tabasco on any task! / Roast Beef: You mean like saving zingers in a file and occasionally looking up chaps and lads from history
/ Cornelius: You understand my computing needs precisely. Do you know of a suitable marque? / SOON.
/ Roast Beef: Alright here is the one I wanted to show you
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04012008 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04012012">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04012012 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| The Party: Day XVI: Vlad | [[Vlad and Lie Bot are talking at a party]]
/ Lie Bot: So Vlad, how's the Make-Out King?
/ Vlad: Pretty good, Lie Bot. Been havink some pretty good make-outs. / Lie Bot: Anybody I know?
/ Vlad: < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04022002 |
| Achewood - April 2, 2003 | [[Night time in the neighborhood]] / [[Clock and Candle]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04022003 |
| Achewood - April 2, 2007 | [[Ray stands with a phone and a cocktail.]]
/ Ray: Simon Le Cowell! Nice to talk to you! / Cowell: [[off]] It's Cowell. Who am I speaking with, please.
/ Ray: The Grenchmen.
/ Cowell: I haven't got any idea what "The Grenchmen" is. / Ray: It's the Nazi skinhead band you were in! In high school! Sausage-leg jeans, kicky-boots, the whole deal!
/ [[An inset of Simon Cowell wearing an earpiece has appeared.]]
/ Cowell: I was never in any racist high-school band named "The Grenchmen". This is absolute rubbish. / Ray: Funny how Photoshop disagrees. / Cowell: [[off]] Are you threatening me with extortion?
/ Ray: Maybe I am. But maybe there's somethin' real basic, and kind of fun, that you can do for me. / Cowell: Look. Fuck off.
/ [[He hangs up]] / [[Caption: UPON CONTEMPLATION]]
/ [[Ray sits at his computer]]
/ Ray: You know what? I'M in the music biz. I got a tight chest. I look like I don't care if I spend six hundred dollars. Who needs Simon Le Cowell?! / {{alt-text: Ray totally fronted on knowing how to use Photoshop}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04022007 |
| Achewood - April 2, 2008 | Teodor: Cornelius! Package from England! / Teodor: It's from...Shrovis-Bishopthorpe? It feels like...like a sturdy new head for a spade.
/ Cornelius: Ah, Teodor. Would that you narrated their television advertising.
/ Teodor: Huh? / Cornelius: I see a bright-eyed lad watching the deliveryman pull away, confused but excited by what his father has received in the post...
/ Cornelius: ... the gestalt of the whole not unlike the "1984" spot which Ridley Scott directed for Apple Computer. / Teodor: Okay.
/ Teodor: You got a box that weighs fifty pounds and smells like Sean Connery's neck at a wedding. Where do you want me to put it? / Cornelius: Aaaah, Halston suede and Giorgio of Beverly Hills. A whiff of landed sweat, and the merest suspicion of a preprandial on-brand 7&7. / Cornelius: But wait...lightly mildewed rucksacks, with finishing notes of shoes laced under threat of opprobrium. Young boys are punished for holding freshly-sharpened pencils to their noses and stealing in the heady aroma.
/ Cornelius: Despite its initial flash, this machine is as British as a bilious lord. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04022008 |
| Achewood - April 3, 2002 | [[PHILLIPPE and ULTRA-PEANUT are standing next to each other. ULTRA PEANUT is holding a piece of paper upon which PHILLIPPE has written. PHILIPPE is wearing a Mickey Mouse hat, a tie and pants. ULTRA PEANUT wears a skirt and top.]] / PHILLIPE: Look, this is the best that I can do. Do you like this? Does this make any sense to you? / [[ULTRA PEANUT begins to write on the paper]]
/ PHILLIPPE: No! Don't write anything on the paper! Just show me if you understand this hat! / PHILLIPPE: Oh, boy. You're just writing more swears, aren't you? / [[ULTRA PEANUT continues to scribble, her tongue emerging from her mouth as she concentrates. PHILLIPE watches silently, looking around as he considers what to do.]] / [[ULTRA PEANUT finishes her drawing and hands it to PHILLPPE, who winces as he takes it, anticipating more swears. / [[Instead, ULTRA PEANUT has drawn a cartoon dog, in the manner of drawing school advertisements - and quite well.]] / PHILLIPPE: Wow! This is amazing! / [[ULTRA PEANUT is gone, but she's left her dress, top and shoes on the ground. PHILLIPPE looks on, perplexed.]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04032002 |
| Achewood - April 3, 2003 | Police officer: Hello, Pat Reynolds! Let's see now . . . armed robbery and manslaughter?
/ Why don't we just put you in with Nice Pete. / Pat: [[thinking]] "Nice Pete!" That doesn't sound like such a bad guy to share a cell with!
/ Probably just a crooked accountant or something! / Police Officer: Here we go! Nice Pete, meet Pat! / {{klink}} / Nice Pete: Pat / Nice Pete: Pat do you think that it is bad for a man to give another man kisses / Nice Pete: Or do you agree that it is okay http://achewood.com/?date=04032003 |
| Achewood - April 3, 2003 | [[Police Station]]
/ POLICE OFFICER AT DESK: Hello, Pat Reynolds! Let's see now... armed robbery and manslaughter?
/ Why don't we just put you in with Nice Pete. / [[PAT is led through a hall reading BLOCK A]]
/ PAT: {{Thinking to self}} "Nice Pete!" That don't sound like such a bad guy to share a cell with! Probably just a crooked accountant or something! / [[PAT stands in front of the cell, NICE PETE is behind bars]]
/ POLICE OFFICER: Here we go! Nice pete, meet Pat! / [[cell door closes]]< http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04032003 |
| Nice Pete | [[Police Station]]
/ Police officer at desk: Hello, Pat Reynolds! Let's see now... armed robbery and manslaughter?
/ Why don't we just put you in with Nice Pete. / [[Pat is led through a hall reading BLOCK A]]
/ Pat: {{Thinking to self}} "Nice Pete!" That don't sound like such a bad guy to share a cell with!
/ Probably just a crooked accountant or something! / [[Pat stands in front of the cell, Nice Pete is behind bars]]
/ Police officer: Here we go! Nice Pete, meet Pat! / [[cell door closes]]< http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04032003 |
| Achewood - April 3, 2006 | Philippe: Lie Bot, I can't sleep. Will you tell me a fairy tale?
/ Lie Bot: Sure, little guy! Get under the covers! / Lie Bot: Okay then. There's this Dutch kid, and he sees water leaking out of a dyke, so he sticks his finger into the leak to stop it.
/ Philippe: Wow! Phew. / Lie Bot: Unfortunately, pretty soon his finger dies, and then the rest of him dies, too. He's little, and it's so very, very cold. / Philippe: Nooo! / Lie Bot: Sorry, true. Anyhow, the next morning a priest sees the boy, and it turns out he's not all the way dead.
/ Philippe: Oh my gosh! Is he okay? / Lie Bot: Not in general. His father is furious with him for not coming home, and in a blind rage he burns their house down. / Philippe: But...but his mom was nice to him, right? / Lie Bot: Whoo! Definitely not.
/ Lie Bot: She screamed at him so loud and long that blood came out of her mouth and tear ducts! The doctors had to send her to be killed. / Lie Bot: The end! No moral. / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04032006 |
| Achewood - April 3, 2006 | Philippe: Lie Bot, I can't sleep. Will you tell me a fairy tale?
/ Lie Bot: Sure, little guy! Get under the covers! / Lie Bot: Okay then. There's this Dutch kid, and he sees water leaking out of a dyke, so he sticks his finger into the leak to stop it.
/ Philippe: Wow! Phew. / Lie Bot: Unfortunately, pretty soon his finger dies, and then the rest of him dies, too. He's little, and it's so very, very cold. / Philippe: Nooo! / Lie Bot: Sorry, true. Anyhow, the next morning a priest sees the boy, and it turns out he's not all the way dead.
/ Philippe: Oh my gosh! Is he okay? / Lie Bot: Not in general. His father is furious with him for not coming home, and in a blind rage he burns their house down. / Philippe: But...but his mom was nice to him, right? / Lie Bot: Whoo! Definitely not.
/ Lie Bot: She screamed at him so loud and long that blood came out of her mouth and tear ducts! The doctors had to send her to be killed. / Lie Bot: The end! No moral. / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04032006 |
| Achewood - April 3, 2007 | [[Caption: FINALLY, ON THE FILM SET]]
/ [[Ray is in his Simon Le Cowell garb and Rod is sitting with a magazine.]]
/ Ray: Alright, Rod. We couldn't find anyone else to star with you, so you just get on the bed and do what you gotta do to make this dirty.
/ [[He gives Rod an encouraging slap on the back.]] / Rod: I'm not a Cuisinart, pudding. I need a little something to get me warmed up. / [[Outside, Téodor, in his porno outfit, is holding a camera.]]
/ Ray: [[off]] Téodor! Come take your shirt off and do jumping jacks in here! Rod ain't a Cuisinart!
/ Téodor: [[thinking]] ..."Rod"? Oh, no... / [[Téodor enters the room.]]
/ Rod: Troy Harlem, if I'm not mistaken!
/ Téodor: Hey, Huggings. How's the wide world of bottoming.
/ Ray: Troy Harlem? What? T, you a secret gay porno actor? Damn, this is handy! / Rod: Very good, thank you! In fact, I was able to purchase a small plane recently.
/ Téodor: No, I'm not. It was just a misunderstanding.
/ Ray: But, dude! Think how perfect! / Ray: I come bustin' down the wall and complain about how poorly some fat guy's playing with himself, there's no gay OR straight appeal! It's just every fat dude's worst nightmare come to life!
/ Téodor: Look, let's just greenscreen him in a couple different positions and superimpose him on himself in post. You can bust in on that. / {{alt-text: Ray is completely wrong about the potential appeal of such a video.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04032007 |
| Achewood - April 3, 2008 | [[Cornelius is working with his laptop]]
/ Laptop: Welcome to Shrovis-Bishopthorpe: good, British computing. Click anywhere on the titmouse to begin / [[Moves mouse to click on picture of a titmouse on laptop screen. A sound is played.]]
/ Laptop: Well done. Now, please click elsewhere on the titmouse. / [[Moves mouse, clicks on a different point on the titmouse. A different sound then before is played.]]
/ Laptop: Oopsy-daisy! You've made him cross. Must have clicked too hard.
/ Cornelius: But I didn't! / Laptop: Only joking. Now "right-click" on the titmouse. This is your password.
/ Cornelius, thinking: Right-clicking on the titmouse is my password. The boys will never know.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04032008 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04032012">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04032012 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| The Party: Day XVIII: Little Nephew | Ray: Little nephew! What are you doing here? / Ray: You should be at home, practicing your musical instrument! Run along now! / Little Nephew: But, Uncle Ray! I want to party like you do! I want to get my Bone on! / Ray: < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04042002 |
| The Party: Day XVIII: Little Nephew | < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04042002 |
| Achewood - April 4, 2003 | [[PAT and NICE PETE in a cell]]
/ PAT: So... what are you in for, Nice Pete? / [[NICE PETE STARES]] / NICE PETE: I would take a picture of a child / NICE PETE: And I would put that picture on the Internet / PAT: Y-you mean naked pictures? / NICE PETE: No, they was all dressed and such
/ PAT: Then why are you in prison? / NICE PETE: I would put speech bubbles above the child's head / NICE PETE: And in the bubbles I would put pictures of my murders http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04042003 |
| Achewood - April 4, 2005 | Herro. This ah Ray Smuckel? / Yeah. Speak up! You got a pretty thick accent. / I am represent Japan Man. / You afraid, Ray Smuckel? / Who's Japan Man? Did we party? / You not want make enemy Japan Man. / I ain't wanna make enemies with anybody! What's this about? / Japan Man sell all the weed in this place. You not sell weed in this place. / Is that a threat? 'cause monopolies be illegal in the U.S.! Not to mention bad for the marketplace! / Pick up you digital camera look at last photo, Ray Smuckel. / Yeah, man! We doin' this! / You sit down pee side-saddle, Ray Smuckel. Japan Man see it all.
/ How in hell did you get in my house? / Japan Man same as Santa Claus, but one small difference: he stop at nothing to kill you. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04042005 |
| Achewood - April 4, 2005 | Herro. This ah Ray Smuckel? / Yeah. Speak up! You got a pretty thick accent. / I am represent Japan Man. / You afraid, Ray Smuckel? / Who's Japan Man? Did we party? / You not want make enemy Japan Man. / I ain't wanna make enemies with anybody! What's this about? / Japan Man sell all the weed in this place. You not sell weed in this place. / Is that a threat? 'cause monopolies be illegal in the U.S.! Not to mention bad for the marketplace! / Pick up you digital camera look at last photo, Ray Smuckel. / Yeah, man! We doin' this! / You sit down pee side-saddle, Ray Smuckel. Japan Man see it all.
/ How in hell did you get in my house? / Japan Man same as Santa Claus, but one small difference: he stop at nothing to kill you. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04042005 |
| Achewood - April 4, 2005 | Herro. This ah Ray Smuckel? / Yeah. Speak up! You got a pretty thick accent. / I am represent Japan Man. / You afraid, Ray Smuckel? / Who's Japan Man? Did we party? / You not want make enemy Japan Man. / I ain't wanna make enemies with anybody! What's this about? / Japan Man sell all the weed in this place. You not sell weed in this place. / Is that a threat? 'cause monopolies be illegal in the U.S.! Not to mention bad for the marketplace! / Pick up you digital camera look at last photo, Ray Smuckel. / Yeah, man! We doin' this! / You sit down pee side-saddle, Ray Smuckel. Japan Man see it all.
/ How in hell did you get in my house? / Japan Man same as Santa Claus, but one small difference: he stop at nothing to kill you. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04042005 |
| Achewood - April 4, 2005 | Herro. This ah Ray Smuckel? / Yeah. Speak up! You got a pretty thick accent. / I am represent Japan Man. / You afraid, Ray Smuckel? / Who's Japan Man? Did we party? / You not want make enemy Japan Man. / I ain't wanna make enemies with anybody! What's this about? / Japan Man sell all the weed in this place. You not sell weed in this place. / Is that a threat? 'cause monopolies be illegal in the U.S.! Not to mention bad for the marketplace! / Pick up you digital camera look at last photo, Ray Smuckel. / Yeah, man! We doin' this! / You sit down pee side-saddle, Ray Smuckel. Japan Man see it all.
/ How in hell did you get in my house? / Japan Man same as Santa Claus, but one small difference: he stop at nothing to kill you. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04042005 |
| Achewood - April 4, 2005 | Herro. This ah Ray Smuckel? / Yeah. Speak up! You got a pretty thick accent. / I am represent Japan Man. / You afraid, Ray Smuckel? / Who's Japan Man? Did we party? / You not want make enemy Japan Man. / I ain't wanna make enemies with anybody! What's this about? / Japan Man sell all the weed in this place. You not sell weed in this place. / Is that a threat? 'cause monopolies be illegal in the U.S.! Not to mention bad for the marketplace! / Pick up you digital camera look at last photo, Ray Smuckel. / Yeah, man! We doin' this! / You sit down pee side-saddle, Ray Smuckel. Japan Man see it all.
/ How in hell did you get in my house? / Japan Man same as Santa Claus, but one small difference: he stop at nothing to kill you. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04042005 |
| Achewood - April 4, 2005 | Herro. This ah Ray Smuckel? / Yeah. Speak up! You got a pretty thick accent. / I am represent Japan Man. / You afraid, Ray Smuckel? / Who's Japan Man? Did we party? / You not want make enemy Japan Man. / I ain't wanna make enemies with anybody! What's this about? / Japan Man sell all the weed in this place. You not sell weed in this place. / Is that a threat? 'cause monopolies be illegal in the U.S.! Not to mention bad for the marketplace! / Pick up you digital camera look at last photo, Ray Smuckel. / Yeah, man! We doin' this! / You sit down pee side-saddle, Ray Smuckel. Japan Man see it all.
/ How in hell did you get in my house? / Japan Man same as Santa Claus, but one small difference: he stop at nothing to kill you. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04042005 |
| Achewood - April 4, 2007 | [[Téodor is filming Rod as Ray spectates.]]
/ Ray: Yeah, man, yeah. I like how that leg dangles off the bed. It's like, "Where does that leg go?" / [[On the bed, Rod strikes a pose.]]
/ Ray: [[off]] Nice, man. Now gimme something else. Take me back to Broadway, baby. / [[Rod lies on his back, arm hanging off the bed, tongue lolling out.]]
/ Ray: [[off]] Ooooooh yeah. Death of a Salesman. Work it. Work it. / [[Rod crouches on all fours in the centre of the bed.]]
/ Ray: [[off]] Oh yeah. Act like you ate the candy, Rod. But also act like you deserved it. / Ray: Okay Rod, I'm gonna say something, and you just do whatever comes to mind, dig? Ahem... "There is no false power in the universe." / Ray: God DAMN. Brilliant, Rod. Just brilliant. This man could find work on Mars, people.
/ Téodor: Wow. / {{alt-text: MARS...NEEDS...HUGGINS}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04042007 |
| Achewood - April 4, 2008 | [[Cornelius is typing on his laptop computer.]] / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04042008 |
| Achewood - April 5, 2002 | Lie Bot: So, what can I get you, Chucklebot? / Chucklebot: DO YOU HAVE ANY OUZO / Lie Bot: Ouzo? Who drinks ouzo? / Chucklebot: I SAW MATT DAMON DRINKING SOME IN A MAGAZINE / Lie Bot: Who? / Chucklebot: YOU KNOW, MATT DAMON. HE'S PRETTY COOL / Chucklebot: I HOPE HE POSES NUDE SOMETIME / Lie Bot: Hold on -- what? / Vlad: Did you not hear, Lie Bot? Chucklebot is gay! He totally makes out with dudes now! / Chucklebot: I HAVE KNOWN SINCE I WAS 12 http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04052002 |
| Achewood - April 5, 2004 | [[Plush Philippe is at The Scotch Whiskey Heritage Center]] / [[Plush Philippe gestures to a sign reading "WE SELL MARS BARS IN BATTER"]] / [[Plush Philippe is on a railing]] / [[Plush Philippe is in front of a sign reading "Royal Mile"]] / {{Where will he wind up tomorrow?}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04052004 |
| Achewood - April 5, 2005 | [[Left Side]]
/ Map of Achewood Underground
/ Survey 187-B-109298 C.H. Mohr & Assoc. sn.1 of 7 / Hidden Hills Select Shoppes
/ 1. Napoleon's
/ 2. Schumacher
/ 3. Battori Uomo
/ 4. Soap
/ 5. Rive Gauche Brasserie
/ 6. A Dansk
/ 7. The Chophouse
/ 8. Humidor
/ 9 Gèneve Chocolaière
/ 10. Port au Fine
/ 11. Quie?
/ 12. Granite / Hidden Hills
/ 28. Luigi's Restaurant
/ 29. Hole in One Liqours
/ 30. Macaroni's
/ 31. Saturday's Cool Tool's
/ 32. Christian Scientist Reading Room
/ 33. Pacific Trust Bank
/ 34. BankOne
/ 35. CooperMetz Federal Credit Union
/ 36. Inga Travel
/ 37. Robert Romero Goldsmith
/ 38. Scrapbook Depot
/ 39. Shoe Universe
/ 40. Hidden Hills Crafts
/ 41. Plum Garden Madranin Cuisine
/ 42. Harlan The Tobbaconist
/ Hidden Hills Annex
/ 13. Underpants Time
/ 14. Chicho's
/ 15. Meyer Discount
/ 16. The Jobber
/ 17. Machas
/ 18. Chilli Pepper Lunch Company
/ 19. Hong Dry Clean
/ 20. Toshi's Fine Teppanyaki
/ 21. Burrito Bown
/ 22. Crown Hat Booksellers
/ 23. Bickersley's Bar
/ 24-27. [Vacant] / Other Buidlings in this survey
/ H - Diablo Groceries
/ I - McDonald's
/ J - Don Connors Counter & Granite
/ K - Music Time Musical Supples
/ L - J. Vincent J. Lemoni K-8 elementary school
/ L-1 - J. Vincent J. Lemoni gymnasium
/ L-2 - J. Vicent J. Lemoni athletic pool facility
/ M-1 - J. Vicent J. Lemoni Medical Center A
/ M-2 - J. Vicent J. Lemoni Medical Center B
/ N - H Fornaio
/ O - She's a Lady Lingerie
/ P - Speakin' of Spokes Bicycle Shop
/ Q - Loard's Ice Cream & Candies
/ R - The Happy Hound Dog grill
/ S - Father Nature's Shed
/ T - Primo's Pizza and Pasta
/ U - The Record Factory / [[Right Side]]
/ Achewood! ... a pleasent community
/ [[Left row of pictures]]
/ Culture, Recreation.
/ [[1st Left Picture: Phillipe and Teodor(?) in plush doll form are chasing around a small RC car on a hill]]
/ Citizens of the Achewood underground happily chase a remote-control car over the crest of a small hill.
/ [[2nd Left Picture: Picture of an international Subway. Looks European. Phillipe is on first plane, in plush form.]]
/ Several of our citizens hail from international backgrounds.
/ [[3rd Left Picture: Phillipe, in plush form, is using a pay phone.]]
/ Telephone calls can cost a lot... they can cost too much. All Achewood Craydone Teledyne subscribers pay a flat monthly rate for local and international calls.
/ [[Right Row of Pictures]]
/ No Dogs Allowed!
/ [[1st Right Picture: A black Dachshund wearing small diapers is sitting at a couch.]]
/ Dogs are not allowed in the underground. This dog is wearing crude, embarassing underpants that control the flow of her menses.
/ [[2nd Right Picture: Two Dachshunds.]]
/ Neither of these dogs is allowed in the underground.
/ [[3rd Right Picture: A Dachshund is eating a burger on a plate.]]
/ This dog is attempting to fool you by eating a hamburger. Notice that the dog has no idea how to eat a hamburger in the proper way. This is literally disgusting. / [[PANEL 2 OF 2]] / {{Alt Text: And there you have it, a partial map!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04052005 |
| Achewood - April 5, 2006 | [[Phillipe is walking towards Vlad, bald at the moment. A couch is behind Phillipe]]
/ Phillipe: Saaaay, why's the couch in the front hallway? Crazy!
/ Vlad: They are gettink rid of it!
/ [[Phillipe is confused]]
/ Phillipe: What do you mean? It's going to someone else's house?
/ [[Vlad is doing a hand motion describing the disposal of something]]
/ Vlad: Goes on trash heap today! Bulldozer make it into total puckey!
/ [[Phillipe holds self into the couch]]
/ Phillipe: They're throwing it awway?! Nooo! NOO! They can't!
/ < http://achewood.com/?date=04052006 |
| Achewood - April 5, 2006 | [[Philippe is walking towards Vlad, bald at the moment. A couch is behind Philippe]]
/ Philippe: Saaaay, why's the couch in the front hallway? Crazy!
/ Vlad: They are gettink rid of it! / [[Philippe is confused]]
/ Philippe: What do you mean? It's going to someone else's house? / [[Vlad is doing a hand motion describing the disposal of something]]
/ Vlad: Goes on trash heap today! Bulldozer make it into total puckey! / [[Philippe holds self into the couch]]
/ Philippe: They're throwing it awway?! Nooo! NOO! They can't!
/ < http://achewood.com/?date=04052006 |
| Achewood - April 5, 2006 | [[Philippe walks past the couch. Vlad is there.]]
/ Philippe: Saaaay, why's the couch in the front hallway? Crazy!
/ Vlad: They are gettink rid of it! / Philippe: What do you mean? It's going to someone else's house? / Vlad: Goes on trash heap today! Bulldozer make it into total puckey!
/ [[Philippe is distressed]] / [[Philippe hugs the couch behind him protectively]]
/ Phillippe: They're throwing it away?! Nooo! NOO! Thay can't!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04052006 |
| Achewood - April 5, 2007 | Teador: Ok, I finished shooting his "top" footage. He's taking a shower. / Ray: Nice. Alright, time to film me bustin' through the wall and yellin' at him. Then you can edit this all together, year? / Ray: s-sup (slurping martini)
/ Teador: Right. Now go into the next room, and turn out the lights before busting in. It'll look better on film if you come in in from the dark / Ray: Right, totally. You sure I can bust down this wall, right? We only got one take, you know.
/ Teador: These walls are just fifty year-old sheetrock. They'll crumble like dried sand. / Ray: (thought bubble) Huh...what should I yell...Wait, what direction do I go in, even? Crap, dude. / Teador: Alright, Ray! Rolling! Battery's dying, no time to waste! http://achewood.com/?date=04052007 |
| Achewood - April 5, 2007 | [[Ray is sipping a cocktail and Téodor is still holding his camera.]]
/ Téodor: Okay, I finished shooting his "top" footage. He's taking a shower. / Ray: Nice. Alright, time to film me bustin' through the wall and yellin' at him. Then you can edit this all together, yeah? / Téodor: Right. Now go into the next room, and turn out the lights before busting in. It'll look better on film if you come in from the dark. / [[Ray leaves the room.]]
/ Ray: Right, totally. You sure I can bust down this wall, right? We only got one take, you know.
/ Téodor: [[off]] These walls are just fifty year-old sheetrock. They'll crumble like dried sand. / [[Ray turns off the light.]]
/ Ray: [[thinking]] Huh... what should I yell... Wait, what direction do I go in, even? Crap, dude. / [[Cut to a shot from outside the hotel.]]
/ Téodor: [[off]] Alright, ray! Rolling! Battery's dying, no time to waste! / {{alt-text: Don't worry, Ray's just going to crash through into Bring John Malkovich for fifteen minutes.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04052007 |
| Achewood - April 5, 2007 | [[Ray is sipping a cocktail and Téodor is still holding his camera.]]
/ Téodor: Okay, I finished shooting his "top" footage. He's taking a shower. / Ray: Nice. Alright, time to film me bustin' through the wall and yellin' at him. Then you can edit this all together, yeah? / Téodor: Right. Now go into the next room, and turn out the lights before busting in. It'll look better on film if you come in from the dark. / [[Ray leaves the room.]]
/ Ray: Right, totally. You sure I can bust down this wall, right? We only got one take, you know.
/ Téodor: [[off]] These walls are just fifty year-old sheetrock. They'll crumble like dried sand. / [[Ray turns off the light.]]
/ Ray: [[thinking]] Huh... what should I yell... Wait, what direction do I go in, even? Crap, dude. / [[Cut to a shot from outside the hotel.]]
/ Téodor: [[off]] Alright, ray! Rolling! Battery's dying, no time to waste! / {{alt-text: Don't worry, Ray's just going to crash through into Being John Malkovich for fifteen minutes.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04052007 |
| Philippe and the Hibbies | {{The comic comprises four color photographs spread rakishly and captioned by Philippe; descriptions are row-major, left-to-right, top-to-bottom order}} / [[The first photograph shows Philippe (in plush form, as for all his photographic appearances; while in Britain he wears a red scarf with white tassels) in a drinking establishment with a soccer (football) theme, walls resplendent with newspaper clippings of local football issues, and lightbulb contained in a football-colored lampshade]]
/ Caption 1: This is me just ``kickin' it'' before the match. I practiced learning the soccer songs everyone sang. / [[The second photograph shows Philippe in the arms of a bespectacled elderly gentleman wearing a natty collared shirt]]
/ Caption 2: This is me with Peter, the official mascot of the ``Hibs.'' / [[The third photograph shows Philippe in the seating stands at a football ground]]
/ Caption 3: This is me at the Hibernians soccer match! All of the players had good luck and they won the game. / [[The fourth photograph shows Philippe seated on a penny-farthing bicycle, somewhat unable to reach the pedals]]
/ Caption 4: These are the bicycles that we all rode through the town after the Hibs won. I loved Scotland, but tomorrow we must leave. / {{Tooltip: Tomorrow, where will he go?}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04062004 |
| Philippe and the Hibbies | {{The comic comprises four color photographs spread rakishly and captioned by Philippe; descriptions are row-major, left-to-right, top-to-bottom order}} / [[The first photograph shows Philippe (in plush form, as for all his photographic appearances; while in Britain he wears a red scarf with white tassels) in a drinking establishment with a soccer (football) theme, walls resplendent with newspaper clippings of local football issues, and lightbulb contained in a football-colored lampshade]]
/ Caption 1: This is me just ``kickin' it'' before the match. I practiced learning the soccer songs everyone sang. / [[The second photograph shows Philippe in the arms of a bespectacled elderly gentleman wearing a natty collared shirt]]
/ Caption 2: This is me with Peter, the official mascot of the ``Hibs.'' / [[The third photograph shows Philippe in the seating stands at a football ground]]
/ Caption 3: This is me at the Hibernians soccer match! All of the players had good luck and they won the game. / [[The fourth photograph shows Philippe seated on a penny-farthing bicycle, somewhat unable to reach the pedals]]
/ Caption 4: These are the bicycles that we all rode through the town after the Hibs won. I loved Scotland, but tomorrow we must leave. / {{Tooltip: Tomorrow, where will he go?}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04062004 |
| Achewood - April 6, 2005 | [[Interior, the Onstad house - Chris and Phillipe are shown talking.]]
/ Chris: Did you do a good job of babysitting the baby, Phillipe? / Phillipe: Yes! And I wrote down everything she did so you would have an idea! / Chris: Thank you! Was she noisy much? / [[Phillipe hands a sheet of paper to Chris.]]
/ Phillipe: No, she was pretty sleepy. Oh! She also farted seven times. See, here. I made kind of a little graph of each one. / [[Phillipe's graph is shown. It consists of the header "The Baby" and the first four graphs are visible, each a single curve going up and then down, in various degrees and lengths. The labels for each graph read, "fart 1: 7:56 PM", "fart 2: 8:01 PM", fart 3: 8:04 PM", and "fart 4: 8:10 PM (my goodness!)"]] / Chris: Wow, that was very responsible of you! Thank you for this information. / Phillipe: I could barely hear the second one but I figured better safe than sorry, right? / Chris: Wait. You're not one hundred percent sure if the second fart was real or not? / Phillipe: (worried) I...I think I heard it. I'm...I mean I'm not... / Chris: Do I need to erase the second fart, Phillipe? Yes or no. / Chris: You need to tell me immediately or the baby could get very sick. You wouldn't like that, right? / Phillipe: I...oh no! I'm not sure! / Chris: (to his wife) HONEY?! Start the car! The baby might not have fully articulated the second of a seven-series gas panel!
/ Phillipe: (running away, horrified and crying) I'M SO SORRY!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04062005 |
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