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| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/?date=02282007">http://achewood.com/?date=02282007 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/?date=02282008">http://achewood.com/?date=02282008 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood § February 28, 2010 | Teodor: Jeez, Philippe. You look like death warmed over. Have you not been sleeping? / Philippe: Can you peek at my newest ideas? I...I'm gonna...I'll be right back. / [[Teodor reads the drawings.]]
/ [[Drawing of two shoes. One is crossed out. Inscription reads: it's the... "2-in-1 shoe!" it's a shoe AND also the other shoe! Save exactly 50%!! "do you smell what I am cooking?"]] / [[Drawing of two Big Macs. The top bun of one has opened on a hinge. Inscription reads: "Big Mac" toilet flush situation indicator. open=I have not flushed the toilet yet (place in hall) closed=I have recently flushed the toilet. (place on lid)]] / Teodor: This...this doesn't even... even by Sharper Image standards...doesn't... / I'll write a few of these for him. Poor little guy is firing on one cylinder. / [[Teodor sits in the dark at the computer.]]
/ Teodor: Okay...think. Common household or lifestyle problem "solved" with low amperage or ethno-mentional unitasker... / [[Caption: TWO HOURS LATER.]]
/ Teodor: "Sands of India Ball Peen Snow Globe Cheese Hammer" no... NO... / [[Caption: FOUR.]] / Teodor: Waltz of the Magyars Birthday Omelette Suggestion Pan! / [[Drawing of such a pan, with inscription around the circumference: BACON AND MUSHROOM - SPINACH DELITE - KEVIN'S FAMOUS NO. 3 - SHORT-TOP (HAM AND GRUYERE PESTO) - EGGY MAC]] / [[Caption: MEANWHILE, ACROSS TOWN.]]
/ [[Ray sits in the dark at the computer]]
/ Ray typing: -PRIVATE BRAINSTORM for RAYMALL 2.0-
/ Gherkins Floatin' in water From MIT
/ Ralph Lauren "Streets of Venice" Accordion Dongle
/ Slide Rule Slide Whistle (possible?)
/ Ray: Sorry massive little man, but this is how the game is played...
/ {{I told myself that after I posted this strip, I'd look up what a Magyar is.}}
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02282010 |
| Achewood - February 29, 2008 | Lyle: Rent's due, low-life! Dude says he wants it by four 'cause he's goin' to the bank, you no-name jerk!
/ Téodor: Rent?! It's the first of the month already? Oh Christ, I haven't got a dime! / Téodor (thinking): I'll...sell..sandwiches! I'll throw some stuff from the fridge in a cooler and make them where workers are...my angle can be "made to order," they'll like that...
/ Téodor: URRRGH! / [[Téodor grabs two bottles, one of Plotkin's Fine Horseradish Condiment and one labeled "Vet Rx; Dog Penis Medicine; Dog: Ricky"
/ Téodor (thinking): God...who put these condiments up so high...these both look like my horseradishes...no time to see which is full...bring 'em both... / Caption: SOON.
/ Téodor: Here you go, sir! One fine baloney and horseradish with lettuce slices, made to your order! Thank you for your business!
/ Construction worker: All RIGHT! Man, made-to-order! If mama could see me now! / Construction worker: Dam...DAAAAMN, sucker! That is some strong-ass mothafuckin horseradish! That that fresh stuff like they got in Hawaii?
/ Téodor: Let me check! I do keep a variety of styles... / [[Téodor picks up Dog Penis Medicine bottle.]]
/ Téodor (thinking): What?! / [[Téodor stares and begins imagining.]] / Construction worker: WAIT A MINUTE, THIS TASTES JUST LIKE DOG PENIS MEDICINE! WHAT YOU ALL ABOUT, SUCKER?! / [[Construction worker grabs bottle, interrupting Téodor's reverie.]]
/ Construction worker: Let me see that! / Construction worker: Whoah, "Dog Penis Medicine"? HEH! Just like those crazy-ass names the up with for hot sauces! Say, my rich cousin J.D. Klein from Alabama collects rare spicy stuff...how much for this jar? It pretty rare? / Caption: $200 LATER
/ Téodor: Alrighty, then! Thanks!
/ Construction worker: It ain't easy to impress Klein. He has a Mercedes an' a Corvette. / {{Alt text: Ricky is really up the creek right about now.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02292008 |
| Achewood - March 1, 2002 | [[Pat, Roast Beef, and Ray are standing around smoking.]]
/ Ray: You fellows know where I can get a case of white zinfandel? / Pat: Why would you want that much zin, man?
/ Ray: It's Tina's birthday tomorrow. I owe her big after last year. / Pat: How come?
/ Ray: Let's just say I didn't have a whole lotta scratch lyin' around... / [[A voice from under a car]]
/ Ray: But this is a Mustang>, baby! Don't you want to do it under a
/ Mustang? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03012002 |
| Achewood - March 1, 2004 | {{This strip originally ran November 4, 2002.}} / Ray: What? No, I don't want to buy no damn piano! Do you know what time it is?! Don't call here-- / Lucifer: Excuse me sir, but are you a single gentleman ? / Ray: So what if I am?
/ Lucifer: Sir, Ladies like Men who can play the Piano.
/ Ray: Hmmm. How much you gettin' for a piano these days, anyway? / SOON
/ Lucifer: Just sign the Contract, sir, and the Piano is yours.
/ Ray: Sheesh! This is long! Mind if I sign it now and read it later? / Lucifer: Not at All, Sir. Good Day.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03012004 |
| Achewood - March 1, 2005 | [[Ray on the phone]]
/ Ray: Teodor! You gotta come over and help me write a follow up hit to Friendship Lane!
/ Teodor (on phone): Okay. / [[Teodor holding a banjo]]
/ Ray: There now, just pluck away at the banjo.
/ Teodor: Cool. / Ray: I'm gonna clear my head and wait for the lyrics to come. / [[Ray thinking while Teodor plays]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03012005 |
| Achewood - March 1, 2006 | Ray: Alright, so what's the deal with the turkeys and brandy today? Is it like a buffet, or is it table service? And what about them side dishes? / Roast Beef: Jesus Ray don't you know even like one sentence of information about the Fight / Ray: don't sass me, chucklehead. i gave you a real basic two-option question. / Roast Beef: they give a choice you can have the turkey feast / Roast Beef: or you can let all your men have the turkey feast and you get none / Ray: you give a beggar your meal, he only loves you while it's on his lips - aint no dude gonna lay down on day three just cause i gave him a drumstick / roast beef: interesting - very few men go that way / and now, these words of advice from rodney leonard stubbs, great outdoor fight champion 1973! / ain't give no sucker your meal, it adds to nothin and he is an animal all the while, no receipt on file, no loyalty no style. / but rodney, many fighters use this meal to endear themselves to their-Rodney? ladies and gentleman, my guest has left the studio! / He...well, he's... there's a young lady here to greet him...oh my god! he's getting down on one knee, ladies and gentlemen! / it looks like...yes! yes! our champion is asking for this young woman's hand in marriage! / never! never have extreme bloodsport and that most sacred of holy unions, the magic of true love, descended upon the acres on the same-
/ Oh man bob raffles was basically the worst announcer ever / roast beef! your hot dog cheeser is ready! get out here now! / son of rodney
/ report to the snack tent immediately http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03012006 |
| Achewood - March 1, 2007 | [[Ray's glasses]]
/ THE RAY SMUCKLES DECISION-MAKING FLOWCHART / 1. IS THE MOTHER TURNED OUT? (yes: 5 no: 2)
/ 2. DO YOU WANT TO TURN THE MOTHER OUT? (yes: 7 no: 3)
/ 3. YOU GOT A STOMACH ACHE OR SOMETHIN'? (no: 7 yes: 4)
/ 4. TAKE SOME PEPTO, DOGG. QUEUE BRAVEHEART AND GET MAD SNUGGLY ON THE COUCH. (nice: 22)
/ 5. CAN WE PUT SOME HEAT UNDER THE SUCKER? (yes: 11 no: 6)
/ 6. DISAGREEMENT BOX (yes: 11)
/ 7. [[Ray doing a little dance]] THEN TURN THAT MOTHER OUT! (woot! woot!: 8, i just can't right now: 9)
/ 8. NOW, HOW TO TURN THIS PARTICULAR MOTHER OUT? (11)
/ 9. YES! YOU! CAN! (aside: 10)
/ 10: Wait -- is your mom there? Cough twice. (9)
/ 11: GEIL-KUHNZ LOGIC BACKSIPHON PREVENTION BAR (12, 16, 19)
/ 12: IS IT BREAKFAST? (eggs b. and a bloody, dogg: 13)
/ 13: I AM AT A GAS STATION (is the cashier hot?: 14)
/ 14: IT'S SOME DUDE NAMED NAPIL (how's he lookin': 15)
/ 15: HE IS UGLY (hilarious)
/ 16: IS IT A BASIC TIME OF FRIENDS? (night baseball or other drinking game: 17)
/ 17: DUDES GOT WAY RAW ON GIN (a baseball hat can hold the average puke: 18)
/ 18: HATS FOR EVERYONE AND CAB IT TO THE GOLD CLUB (throw your hat away in the can and rally)
/ 19: IS IT A PARTY? (do that magic trick where you pull an unrolled condom from a chick's ear while going "buuurp!": 20)
/ 20: DUDES LOVE IT BUT CHICKS AT BEST ENDURE IT (oh no the cure is on the radio!: 21)
/ 21: PRETEND THE RADIO IS KRYPTONITE (dudes are hella laughin')
/ 22: [[William Wallace]] / LESSON CORNER:
/ [[Ray with graduate's hat]]
/ 23: SOME MOTHERS SHOULD NOT BE TURNED OUT (like a funeral: 24)
/ 24: IT IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS TO TURN OUT A FUNERAL / {{Aww yeah, we can print this one with your name instead as well. }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03012007 |
| Achewood - March 2, 2004 | [Teodor hears Ray playing the piano like a virtuoso from a distance] / Teodor: Good LORD, Ray! When did you learn to play like that?
/ Ray: Teodor! Just the man I been wantin' to see! / Ray: Listen, T, do you think we can use that computer of yours to whip me up a CD?
/ Teodor: Sure! / [Soon]
/ [Ray puts into an envelope bound for Sony Records a CD entitled "a Sojourn into Destiny" and labeled "Ray Smuckles - Virtuoso"]
/ Ray: Good-bye Achewood, Hellllll-o Hollywood! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03022004 |
| Achewood - March 2, 2005 | [[Teodor wearing a hat, Ray holding a banjo]]
/ Teodor: Alright, I've gotta bail. I'm making dinner tonight.
/ Ray: Alright, T! / Ray: Here, man! Take this banjo and practice some while I come up with new lyrics. / [[Ray tosses a phone]]
/ Ray: Oh, and take my spare two-way mobile so you can lay it on your dresser and we can jam hands-free later!
/ Teodor; Alright. Call me. / LATER THAT NIGHT.
/ [[Teodor is sitting on his bed with the banjo]]
/ Phone: Ring! / Teodor; Ray?
/ Ray (on phone): Alright, man! I figured out MUCH good-timey lyrics! Hit it! / [[Teodor playing banjo]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03022005 |
| Turkeys and Brandy | [[Ray is walking towards a tent]] / [[Ray pops his head through the opening]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03022006 |
| Achewood - March 2, 2007 | FRIDAY DECISION-MAKING FLOWCHART - LYLE EDITION / [[Lyle holding a bottle and pumping a fist]]
/ 1. FUCK YOU! (go out drinkin': 2 meet up with Todd and do some drinkin': 5 did Crawler D really do jojo last night?: 14)
/ 2. IT'S PINT JACKS NIGHT AT THE MUD SCOW (ha ha haaaa! haaaaaaaaah! whooo: 3)
/ 3. [[Music notes]] OHHHHH I'M AN OLD-TIME RHYME-ING BOX (4)
/ 4. [[Blacked out]]
/ 5. TODD STATUS (we're square: 6 bitch owes me money from tuesday: 7)
/ 6. "Whatcha doin'?" -> "Whatta you care?" -> "Whatta *YOU* care?" -> "I don't. Wanna hit the Scow?" (8)
/ 7. SUCKER-HANG WITH TODD (trick him with a pizza box trap and make you take him to his loot: 8)
/ 8. WELCOME TO DRINKIN' ISLAND [[Picture of Lemmy Kilmeister labelled "The Mayor"]] (a boom boom boom: 9)
/ 9. "METALLICA SUCKS!" (who the fuck said that?: 10 let it slide it's pint jacks night and I ain't want to get booted: 13)
/ 10. [[Todd shaking & pointing]] TH-TH-THAT COLLEGE GUY WITH THE LITTLE GLASSES! (I'll teach that prick a lesson!: 11)
/ 11. LOOK, PUNK. METALLICA DIDN'T START SUCKING UNTIL 1996'S LOAD (you're damn right you're sorry now get the hell out of here: 12)
/ 12. HA HA JERK LEFT A FULL HIGHBALL (sweet! a boom boom boom: 9)
/ 13. 1:58 AM - TWO SCOUNDRELS GOT FRESH WITH A CHAIN-SMOKING TRAILER PIXIE WHO LATER ATTACKED THEM WHEN THEY SAID THAT HER ARMS WERE ALL SKINNY AS A DOG'S LEG
/ 14. GO CATCH CRAWLER WHEN HE GETS OFF SCULLIN' AT 32 PASTAS (the Guatemalan says Crawler ain't punched in today: 15)
/ 15. THEY PICKED CRAWLER AND IOWA MIKE UP FOR MUTUAL HARASSMENT LAST NIGHT (Tammy the hostess with eczema on both elbows saw it Hah!: 16 Hah!: 16)
/ 16. GO TO DRINKIN' ISLAND (17)
/ 17. BUT THERE'S NO DRINKIN' ISLAND ON THIS MAP! (18)
/ 18. DRINKIN' ISLAND IS INSIDE EACH ONE OF US, MY SON (oh my God I see it: 8) / {{The Mayor of Drinkin' Island is Lemmy, and in the parade he rides a chopper made of bones.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03022007 |
| Achewood - March 2, 2007 | FRIDAY DECISION-MAKING FLOWCHART - LYLE EDITION / [[Lyle holding a bottle and pumping a fist]]
/ 1. FUCK YOU! (go out drinkin': 2 meet up with Todd and do some drinkin': 5 did Crawler D really do jojo last night?: 14)
/ 2. IT'S PINT JACKS NIGHT AT THE MUD SCOW (ha ha haaaa! haaaaaaaaah! whooo: 3)
/ 3. [[Music notes]] OHHHHH I'M AN OLD-TIME RHYME-ING BOX (4)
/ 4. [[Blacked out]]
/ 5. TODD STATUS (we're square: 6 bitch owes me money from tuesday: 7)
/ 6. "Whatcha doin'?" -> "Whatta you care?" -> "Whatta *YOU* care?" -> "I don't. Wanna hit the Scow?" (8)
/ 7. SUCKER-HANG WITH TODD (trick him with a pizza box trap and make you take him to his loot: 8)
/ 8. WELCOME TO DRINKIN' ISLAND [[Picture of Lemmy Kilmeister labeled "The Mayor"]] (a boom boom boom: 9)
/ 9. "METALLICA SUCKS!" (who the fuck said that?: 10 let it slide it's pint jacks night and I ain't want to get booted: 13)
/ 10. [[Todd shaking & pointing]] TH-TH-THAT COLLEGE GUY WITH THE LITTLE GLASSES! (I'll teach that prick a lesson!: 11)
/ 11. LOOK, PUNK. METALLICA DIDN'T START SUCKING UNTIL 1996'S LOAD (you're damn right you're sorry now get the hell out of here: 12)
/ 12. HA HA JERK LEFT A FULL HIGHBALL (sweet! a boom boom boom: 9)
/ 13. 1:58 AM - TWO SCOUNDRELS GOT FRESH WITH A CHAIN-SMOKING TRAILER PIXIE WHO LATER ATTACKED THEM WHEN THEY SAID THAT HER ARMS WERE ALL SKINNY AS A DOG'S LEG
/ 14. GO CATCH CRAWLER WHEN HE GETS OFF SCULLIN' AT 32 PASTAS (the Guatemalan says Crawler ain't punched in today: 15)
/ 15. THEY PICKED CRAWLER AND IOWA MIKE UP FOR MUTUAL HARASSMENT LAST NIGHT (Tammy the hostess with eczema on both elbows saw it Hah!: 16 Hah!: 16)
/ 16. GO TO DRINKIN' ISLAND (17)
/ 17. BUT THERE'S NO DRINKIN' ISLAND ON THIS MAP! (18)
/ 18. DRINKIN' ISLAND IS INSIDE EACH ONE OF US, MY SON (oh my God I see it: 8) / {{The Mayor of Drinkin' Island is Lemmy, and in the parade he rides a chopper made of bones.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03022007 |
| Distributed Homeboys | [[Ray is sitting at his desk in a large executive chair, talking on the phone.]]
/ Ray: Let's say you on the road, you know, and you ain't got your crew with you.
/ It ain't playin' to roll one deep! / [[Closeup of the cover of a pamphlet reading:
/ EMERGENCY
/ +
/ HOMEBOYS
/ 1-888-595-2800
/ -NATIONAL-
/ 24 Hours]] / [[Ray at his desk again.]]
/ Ray: It's like escorts, yeah, but instead of fingerless elbow-length gloves and gettin' in the bed, these boys show up "Crackin' OEs and Packin' PS3s." / [[The inside of of the pamphlet:
/ PACKAGES:
/ -------------------------------
/ #A: The "Baserunner." One
/ homeboy, likes to drink & chase
/ tail, guaranteed. Latest video game
/ skills. No priors.
/ #B: The "Posse." Three home-
/ boys--enough for a pickup game,
/ drinkin', skirt chasin', or video
/ games. Priors a possibility.
/ #C: The "Fo'Sho." Five high-end
/ homeboys and a wheelchair-bound
/ old pottymouth named "Garlic."
/ Comes with poker wheel and three
/ handles of Chivas. Warrants.]] / [[Ray at desk.]]
/ Ray: Yeah, man. We ahd to come up with disclaimers out the wazoo. Here's just one page of 'em: / [[Inside of pamphlet:
/ DISCLAIMERS - p7/23
/ Our Homeboys are guaranteed to
/ arrive fed, but will always be down if
/ you want to gruffle some Domino's.
/ They will eat a minimum of one
/ Courtesy Slice http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03022009 |
| Achewood - March 3, 2003 | [[Ray is talking into a cell phone. Teodor stands nearby]]
/ Ray: Pat! Pat You gotta be careful in that boat! It ain't finished! / [[The boat is moving across the water]]
/ Pat: Don't you try to talk me down, Ray! There's some people got to PAY for what they DONE! / [[Ray on cellphone]]
/ Ray: Who, Pat? Who you goin' after? / [[Pat from the inside of the boat]]
/ Pat: Oh I think you'll find out pretty quick--
/ Now leave me be! / MEANWHILE:
/ [[Vlad is at his Subway listening to the radio]]
/ Vlad: Slow mornink. Let us see what is new on Howard Stern show. / Voice on Radio: Howard! Help! My dog took a shit on my face!
/ Howard Stern: Whaaat?
/ Voice: Help! Ow!
/ Vlad: Heh! Idiot http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03032003 |
| Achewood - March 3, 2004 | Ray: Hey, who left this nice tasseled loafer out here in the yard?! / Ray: This was gonna get sprinklered on if I didn't find it!
/ Whoever left thois out here is hella lucky I found it. / Ray {{thinking}}: Looks like a pretty expensive shoe ...
/ What brand is it anyway / Loafer: mumblmumnumblunm / Ray {{thinking}}: Whoah, was that a little noise?! / Loafer: I AM LAZARUS, TASSELED LOAFER TO THE WORLD'S GREATEST BUSINESS MINDS / Lazarus Loafer: DON ME AND YOU SHALL SEE THE WORLD AS ITS TRUE COMMANDERS DO! / [[Ray, having donned the loafer, is empowered]] http://achewood.com/?date=03032004 |
| Lazarus the Business Loafer | [[Ray is looking down at a single loafer]]
/ Ray: Hey, who left this nice tasseled loafer out here in the yard?! / [[Ray points down]]
/ Ray: This was gonna get sprinklered on if I didn't find it!
/ Ray: Whoever left this out here is hella lucky I found it! / [[Ray kneels down over the loafer]]
/ Ray: Looks like a pretty expensive shoe...
/ Ray: What brand is it anyway? / [[Ray holds shoe, looking surprised]]
/ Lazarus: mumblmumnumblenm / Ray: Whoah, was that a little noise?! / [[Ray holds loafer up to his ear]]
/ Lazarus: I AM LAZARUS, TASSELED LOAFER TO THE WORLD'S GREATEST BUSINESS MINDS / Lazarus: DON ME AND YOU SHALL SEE THE WORLD AS ITS TRUE COMMANDERS DO! / [[Ray, wearing the loafter, radiates lines of power]] / {{alt-text: Oxblood Cordovan}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03032004 |
| Achewood - March 3, 2005 | Ray (thinking): Damn, man! What was that all about?
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03032005 |
| Achewood - March 3, 2006 | [[Ray looks at a piece of paper (a receipt) wearing a dapper hat.]] / [[Ray looks up from the safeway receipt.]] / [[Table with a solitary chair. On the table an unopened safeway roast turkey and an unopened bottle of Christian Brothers Brandy and a black spork hidden from view.]] / [[Ray looks back at the receipt with a puzzled look.]] / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03032006 |
| Achewood - March 3, 2008 | [[Téodor knocks politely on an open door to find Nice Pete at a writing desk]]
/ Téodor: You...called, Pete?
/ Nice Pete: Téodor. Thank you for coming. You are a man who loves women? / Téodor: ...yes? / Nice Pete: Excellent. I am writing a romance novel, only I am having one problem and that is in describing a convincing attraction between a man and a lady.
/ Téodor: How come? / [[Nice Pete faces the camera in a relaxed pose]]
/ Nice Pete: For the life of me, I cannot figure out how a man can love a woman when a woman is just a screaming clear area with a wig on and a large middle where the smells come from. / Téodor: Maybe think of things you love instead of a woman, then go back later and replace them.
/ Nice Pete: I see. A, "writer's trick." Thank you, Téodor. / [[Later That Evening.]]
/ Nice Pete, writing in longhand: Chuck held [the moment when a young boy has truly died, his hair moving in the breeze, yet his body perfectly still]1 in his arms. Soon they would move to Africa together, but tonight they would lie in bed and [watch mentally ill men take long, cold baths without suds]2. / 1. "Mary"
/ 2. have consensual sex / {{alt text: Folks are quite fond of love novels. They fly off of the shelves, he's told. }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03032008 |
| Achewood - March 4, 2002 | Ray: Man, I wonder what ever happened to Bill Cosby... / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03042002 |
| Achewood - March 4, 2003 | Roast Beef: Phillippe man you lookin' tight How'd you get that troublesome weight off
/ Phillippe: Thank you Roast Beef! / Phillippe: I just exercised and ate healthy! / Roast Beef: How's about we go get us a coupla' subs down at Subway My Treat / Phillippe: Oh, I don't know... That's how I got so big in the first place! / Roast Beef: Come on dogg 7 under 6 it is my treat You can even wear your rollerskates!
/ Phillippe: Oh boy! / [[MEANWHILE]]
/ Pat: Did you really think I wouldn't figure it out?! HUH? You BITCH? / < http://achewood.com/?date=03042003 |
| Achewood - March 4, 2003 | Roast Beef: Phillippe man you lookin' tight How'd you get that troublesome weight off
/ Phillippe: Thank you Roast Beef! / Phillippe: I just exercised and ate healthy! / Roast Beef: How's about we go get us a coupla' subs down at Subway My Treat / Phillippe: Oh, I don't know... That's how I got so big in the first place! / Roast Beef: Come on dogg 7 under 6 it is my treat You can even wear your rollerskates!
/ Phillippe: Oh boy! / [[MEANWHILE]]
/ Pat: Did you really think I wouldn't figure it out?! HUH? You BITCH? / < http://achewood.com/?date=03042003 |
| Achewood - March 4, 2003 | Roast Beef: Philippe man you lookin' tight
/ How'd you get that troublesome weight off
/ Philippe: Thank you Roast Beef! / Philippe: I just exercised and ate healthy! / Roast Beef: How's about we go get us a coupla' subs down at Subway
/ My treat / Philippe: Oh, I don't know...
/ That's how I got so big in the first place! / Roast Beef: Come on dogg 7 under 6 it is my treat
/ You can even wear your rollerskates!
/ Philippe: Oh boy! / Meanwhile
/ Pat: Did you really think I wouldn't figure it out?! HUH? You BITCH? / Ding!
/ Pow! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03042003 |
| Achewood - March 4, 2003 | Roast Beef: Philippe man you lookin' tight
/ How'd you get that troublesome weight off
/ Philippe: Thank you Roast Beef! / Philippe: I just exercised and ate healthy! / Roast Beef: How's about we go get us a coupla' subs down at Subway
/ My treat / Philippe: Oh, I don't know...
/ That's how I got so big in the first place! / Roast Beef: Come on dogg 7 under 6 it is my treat
/ You can even wear your rollerskates!
/ Philippe: Oh boy! / Meanwhile
/ Pat: Did you really think I wouldn't figure it out?! HUH? You BITCH? / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03042003 |
| Achewood - March 4, 2004 | [[Teodor is working at a computer with Roast Beef looking over his shoulder.]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh hey Teodor that is a boss new machine dogg. Did you build it yourself like a straight player. / Teodor: Sure did! 2.8GHz Pentium 4 with 800MHz frontside bus, 12X DVD+-R, over a gig of DDR RAM... take it for a spin! / Roast Beef: [[Sitting down at computer]] Oh dang dogg this machine is chubby
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03042004 |
| Achewood - March 4, 2005 | [[Roast Beef playing the banjo]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03042005 |
| Achewood - March 4, 2005 | [[Roast Beef playing the banjo]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03042005 |
| Achewood - March 4, 2008 | [[An architect's plan for a house]]
/ Level 1
/ Wrap-Around Pantry
/ Potty
/ Living Room (Empty)
/ Front Door (Locked) / The Phillippe Text Adventure v1.2
/ #start
/ YOU ARE PHILLIPPE. YOU ARE IN A LIVING ROOM. THERE IS AN EXIT TO THE NORTH.
/ #inventory
/ YOU HAVE:
/ A CARING MOTHER IN OHIO
/ #north
/ YOU ARE IN A WRAP-AROUND PANTRY. THERE IS A CHAMBER IN THE CENTER WITH FLOOR-TO-CEILING WINDOWS.
/ #look in chamber
/ CORNELIUS, SEATED ON A POTTY, SCOWLS AT YOU. "PHILLIPE! PLEASE!"
/ #south
/ LIVING ROOM. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO HERE. YOU TRY TO IMAGINE BOATS, BUT IT IS NO USE; YOU CANNOT IMAGINE A SINGLE ONE.
/ #north
/ PANTRY. CORNELIUS SCOWLS AT YOU AND ANGRILY RUSTLES HIS NEWSPAPER.
/ #south
/ LIVING ROOM.
/ #north
/ PANTRY. CORNELIUS HAS DOZED OFF. SOMETHING GLINTS IN HIS POCKET. / Appearing in this edition:
/ Phillippe
/ Cornelius
/ Ray / What you'll find on Level 2:
/ Almanac
/ Valise
/ Maiden
/ Correctional Fluid
/ Book of Kells
/ Early-Career Steve Martin
/ Walking Mode
/ Running Mode
/ Note: Graphics for packaging display only. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03042008 |
| Achewood - March 5, 2002 | [[Exterior of the Smuckles residence, in color don't you know.]]
/ Pat's Answering Machine: Hello. You have reached Pat. I'm sorry I'm not able to take your call right now b...
/ Ray: Damn, Pat! Pick up! / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03052002 |
| Achewood - March 5, 2003 | [[Panel 1: Roast Beef, in a fancy robe, walks down a corridor with rooms numbered D-8, D-10. He thinks:]]
/ Roast Beef: So this is it Heaven / [[Panel 2: Roast Beef sees a nameplate with his name on it: C. "Roast Beef" Kazenzakis].]
/ Roast Beef: Wow they even know I don't like my first name / [[Panel 3: He opens the door and sees an A-frame futon, folded. The door has a D-4 sign on it].]
/ Roast Beef: Oh my god I could stretch out for days on that futon
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03052003 |
| Achewood - March 5, 2003 | [[Panel 1: Roast Beef, in a fancy robe, walks down a corridor with rooms numbered D-8, D-10. He thinks:]]
/ Roast Beef: So this is it Heaven / [[Panel 2: Roast Beef sees a nameplate with his name on it: C. "Roast Beef" Kazenzakis].]
/ Roast Beef: Wow they even know I don't like my first name / [[Panel 3: He opens the door and sees an A-frame futon, folded. The door has a D-4 sign on it].]
/ Roast Beef: Oh my god I could stretch out for days on that futon
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03052003 |
| Achewood - March 5, 2003 | [[Panel 1: Roast Beef, in a fancy robe, walks down a corridor with rooms numbered D-8, D-10. He thinks:]]
/ Roast Beef: So this is it Heaven / [[Panel 2: Roast Beef sees a nameplate with his name on it: C. "Roast Beef" Kazenzakis].]
/ Roast Beef: Wow they even know I don't like my first name / [[Panel 3: He opens the door and sees an A-frame futon, folded. The door has a D-4 sign on it].]
/ Roast Beef: Oh my god I could stretch out for days on that futon
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03052003 |
| Achewood - March 5, 2003 | [[Panel 1: Roast Beef, in a fancy robe, walks down a corridor with rooms numbered D-8, D-10. He thinks:]]
/ Roast Beef: So this is it Heaven / [[Panel 2: Roast Beef sees a nameplate with his name on it: C. "Roast Beef" Kazenzakis].]
/ Roast Beef: Wow they even know I don't like my first name / [[Panel 3: He opens the door and sees an A-frame futon, folded. The door has a D-4 sign on it].]
/ Roast Beef: Oh my god I could stretch out for days on that futon
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03052003 |
| Achewood - March 5, 2003 | [[Panel 1: Roast Beef, in a fancy robe, walks down a corridor with rooms numbered D-8, D-10. He thinks:]]
/ Roast Beef: So this is it Heaven / [[Panel 2: Roast Beef sees a nameplate with his name on it: C. "Roast Beef" Kazenzakis].]
/ Roast Beef: Wow they even know I don't like my first name / [[Panel 3: He opens the door and sees an A-frame futon, folded. The door has a D-4 sign on it].]
/ Roast Beef: Oh my god I could stretch out for days on that futon
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03052003 |
| Achewood - March 5, 2004 | {{Ray is in bed, wearing one shoe, Lazarus Loafer}}
/ Lazarus: It's five, Ray. Time for a quick jog to clear your head before the market opens. / Lazarus: Ray? / Ray: Shut up, Lazarus! It ain't even light out! / Lazarus: Maybe if you hadn't stayed up all night drinking Old Windmill you'd be able to get up now. / Ray: Old Windmill Is tasty! I ain't got to defend that to you!
/ Lazarus: Get up. This is important. / Ray: I'm skippin' a day. You go on and do whatever you want. / Lazarus: Powerful men don't "skip a day." Get up. / Ray: DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT IF I SO MUCH AS BLINK I MIGHT GO INTO STAGE ONE RENAL FAILURE / {{alt text: The cat is having an argument with his powerful shoe.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03052004 |
| Achewood - March 5, 2007 | < http://achewood.com/?date=03052007 |
| Achewood - Leon Sumbitches | [[Raymond Smuckles reacts to off-panel sound.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03052007 |
| Achewood ? March 5, 2009 | Ray guzzling a martini, his phone rings. / Ray checks the caller ID and thinks, "Unknown number... could be good, though. This phone call could be the bomb." / Ray answers and says, "Yeah... 'sup?" / Ramses is heard over the phone: "-- and you make damn sure you never again take that little hand of yours and press it against that little horn of yours so long as my Falcon -- and that IS the car that just swung around to face you-- is anywhere you can see it" / Ray thinks, "That voice... it's... dad?!" "He pocket dialed me! He... he keeps my number in his phone!" / Ramses is heard over the phone: "Now the only reason I'm takin' my boot off your throat is 'cause I got a fresh calzone back in that car and I do NOT have time to argue with some cop about why your body is over here and your head is over there so on and et cetera" / Ray smiles and thinks, "This is so cool! It's like finally gettin' to hang out with him!" / Ramses is heard over the phone: "Now, I don't ever want to see you again unless it's in a coffin" "You see that Falcon, you best jump right in the nearest coffin you hear me" "I ain't care if it's your birthday and yo' mama needs the coffin 'cause she's dead" (Ray slurps his Martini) / Ramses is heard walking away with a crunching noise / Ramses is heard slamming his car door / Ramses is heard over the phone: "... no-account son of a bitch with half a soul and the balance owed to Judas..." / Ramses: "Why I must walk this earth with the bright-eyed liars and titans of inner filth shall ever plague me" / Ramses: "That the universe should misspend one mote of its grace and bounty on a fool like that is all the proof I need that the throne of the Lord sits empty" / Ray thinks: "Damn, this dude can't even eat lunch without destroyin' men and declarin' the death of God..." "I wish he'd ever come to a parent-teacher conference... top half of the teacher on fire... principal all destroyed and thrown completely over the gym into a pile of hubcaps..." / tooltip: "Ramses only has an outer monologue. He is ashamed of the world, not himself." http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03052009 |
| Achewood - March 6, 2002 | [[PHILLIPE has answered the door. RAY is standing in the doorway, holding a stuffed pink elephant over his crotch in lieu of his thong.]]
/ PHILLIPE: Ray?
/ RAY: Hey little guy, have you seen Todd? / PHILLIPE: Is today Todd's birthday? / RAY: Heh heh. Uh, no. But I do need to visit with him. / PHILLIPE: How come? / RAY: He... his library books are overdue! I don't want him to get in trouble!
/ PHILLIPE: Oh no! Will he have to pay a fee? / RAY: That's right! We need to find him soon or the library people will make him pay a fee!
/ PHILLIPE: TODD! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03062002 |
| Achewood - March 6, 2002 | [[PHILIPPE has answered the door. RAY is standing in the doorway, holding a stuffed pink elephant over his crotch in lieu of his thong.]]
/ PHILIPPE: Ray?
/ RAY: Hey little guy, have you seen Todd? / PHILIPPE: Is today Todd's birthday? / RAY: Heh heh. Uh, no. But I do need to visit with him. / PHILIPPE: How come? / RAY: He... his library books are overdue! I don't want him to get in trouble!
/ PHILIPPE: Oh no! Will he have to pay a fee? / RAY: That's right! We need to find him soon or the library people will make him pay a fee!
/ PHILIPPE: TODD! / {{Title or meta-text: Looks like Pat was worthless}}
/ {{Prior to this strip, the cats were smaller than the stuffed animal characters. Starting with this strip, they are larger than Philippe and equal in size to and generally taller than Teodor, Cornelius, and Lyle.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03062002 |
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