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| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date%E2%80%A6">http://achewood.com/index.php?date%E2%80%A6 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - January 1, 2004 | {{Guest strip by Jeff Roysdon}}
/ [[roastbeef takes up smoking]] / [[Roast Beef chainsmokes for days]]
/ Roast Beef: dang-i thought these things were supposed to totally kill you / [[Roast Beef continues to smoke and looks depressed]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01012004 |
| I Love My Fat Son | [[Lyle sits on the couch with beer and remote]]
/ TV: DON'T FORGET TO TUNE IN NEXT TIME WHEN WE'LL HAVE MOTHERS WHO STILL SPANK THEIR ADULT CHILDREN...TAKE CARE... / [[Lyle changes the channel]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01022002 |
| Achewood - January 2, 2003 | Mr Bear: My heavens, Lyle! When did you start this franchise?! / Lyle: My uncle died, I inherited it. You want a sandwich or what? / Mr Bear: Is the parent company helping you take the reins? / Lyle: Bah! Not hardly! / Lyle: They're openin' up three more franchises on this same street! / {{Meanwhile}}
/ Lie Bot: Hm. Where to hank Jared poster.
/ Lie Bot: This is not such easy nut to crack. / {{alt text=2003 sounds so space-agey}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01022003 |
| Achewood - January 2, 2003 | Mr Bear: My heavens, Lyle! When did you start this franchise?! / Lyle: My uncle died, I inherited it. You want a sandwich or what? / Mr Bear: Is the parent company helping you take the reins? / Lyle: Bah! Not hardly! / Lyle: They're openin' up three more franchises on this same street! / {{Meanwhile}}
/ Vlad: Hm. Where to hank Jared poster.
/ Vlad: This is not such easy nut to crack. / {{alt text=2003 sounds so space-agey}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01022003 |
| Achewood - January 2, 2003 | Mr Bear: My heavens, Lyle! When did you start this franchise?! / Lyle: My uncle died, I inherited it. You want a sandwich or what? / Mr Bear: Is the parent company helping you take the reins? / Lyle: Bah! Not hardly! / Lyle: They're openin' up three more franchises on this same street! / [[Meanwhile]]
/ Lie Bot: Hm. Where to hank Jared poster.
/ Lie Bot: This is not such easy nut to crack. / {{alt text=2003 sounds so space-agey}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01022003 |
| Achewood - January 2, 2003 | Mr Bear: My heavens, Lyle! When did you start this franchise?! / Lyle: My uncle died, I inherited it. You want a sandwich or what? / Mr Bear: Is the parent company helping you take the reins? / Lyle: Bah! Not hardly! / Lyle: They're openin' up three more franchises on this same street! / {{Meanwhile}}
/ Vlad: Hm. Where to hank Jared poster. / Vlad: This not such easy nut to crack.
/ {{alt text=2003 sounds so space-agey}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01022003 |
| Achewood - January 2, 2004 | [[Ray hands a bill to Phillipe.]]
/ Ray: Hey, Phillipe! Here's a fiver. Pick me up a pack of lucky strikes.
/ Phillipe: Um... Okay... / [[Phillipe goes crazy across the town in the style of Billy from The Family Circus. Locations visited include: an hourly rate hotel, Beer 'n' Smokes, a strip club, the tattoo parlor, the liquor store, video poker, and a saloon.]] / [[Phillipe reenters pierced, tattooed, smoking and carrying a bottle.]]
/ Ray: You get my smokes, little guy?
/ Phillipe: Suck it, old man. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01022004 |
| Achewood - January 2, 2004 | [[Circular panel at top left of main picture. Ray hands a bill to Phllippe.]]
/ Ray: Hey, Philippe! Here's a fiver. Pick me up a pack of lucky strikes.
/ Philippe: Um... Okay... / [[Main picture, borderless. A view of the town, with Philippe's route shown by a dotted line that rambles wildly. Locations visited include: an hourly rate hotel, Beer 'n' Smokes, a strip club, the tattoo parlor, the liquor store, video poker, and a saloon.]] / [[Phillipe reenters pierced, tattooed, smoking and carrying a bottle.]]
/ Ray: You get my smokes, little guy?
/ Phillipe: Suck it, old man. / {{Alt text: Guest week extended! We return Monday}}
/ {{Archive title: Guest strip by Drew Weing}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01022004 |
| Coming in 2006... | Title: Coming in 2006! Scenes from... The Story of Molly Sanders / [[A sketched, artistic-style, wordless tale of Molly's past life on an ship in bygone times., in turbulent water. An old woman lectures her, and leaves. The captain sticks a gun in his mouth. Molly sits on her bed, as the boat sways heavily and looks up as lightning strikes - we see her soft toy float in the water...]] / Title: Also in '06... / [[Ray kneels over an empty fast food box]]
/ Ray: Who ate my dang nachos?! / [[Ray puts his hands to his head in rage]]
/ Ray: WHO... ATE... MY... DAAAAAAAANG NAAAAACHOS! / {{alt-tag: Thanks to Tony Millionaire for the boat-angle nibtricks}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01022006 |
| Achewood - January 2, 2007 | << http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01022007 |
| Achewood - January 2, 2007 | << http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01022007 |
| Achewood - January 2, 2008 | Ray: Here you go, T! Merry Christmas. Sorry I didn't get this to you on the big day.
/ Ray: It's been crazy. / Teodor: Wow, you wrote a book?
/ Ray: Heh! Yeahhhhh. Just got it back from the printer. / Book Title: re you There, God? It's Me, Jamiroquai. By R. Smuckles / Book reverse: US $24.95 ISBN 0-312-37378-3
/ As Jamiroquai comes of age, it frets over its new breasts and wonders why every other band seems to have already gotten its period.
/ {{italics}}"Not since Judy Blume has Ray Smuckles succeeded in accurately describing that awkward phase in a band's life when it becomes a woman." / [[Teodor looks at the book]] / Ray: Be sure to tell me what you think. I don't even know if this was the right thing to do. / {{AltTag}} Ray wasn't sure, but he did it anyway. A Man of Action. http://achewood.com/?date=01022008 |
| Achewood - January 2, 2008 | Ray: Here you go, T! Merry Christmas. Sorry I didn't get this to you on the big day.
/ Ray: It's been crazy.
/ Teodor: Wow, you wrote a book?
/ Ray: Heh. Yeahhhhh. Just got it back from the printer.
/ [[Scene description]] Close up of book title: "Are You There, God? It's me, Jamiroquai" By R. Smuckles
/ [[Scene description]] Close up of inside flap: As Jamiroquai comes of age, it frets over its new breasts and wonders why every other band seems to have gotten its period. "Not since Judy Blume has Ray Smuckles succeeded in accurately describing that awkward phase in a band's life when it becomes a woman."
/ [[Scene description]] Teodor looks up, speechless.
/ Ray: Be sure to tell me what you think. I don't even know if this was the right thing to do. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01022008 |
| There is a snake in the yard | [[Mr. Bear points off-panel]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01032002 |
| Wall of Tough Guys | [[Vlad and Philippe, in Vlad's Subway]]
/ Vlad: Hey there little guy! I haf exciting sandwiches deal for you!
/ Philippe: Hi Vlad! / [[Phillipe looks at a wall of framed pictures under the letters "WALL OF THE TOUGH GUYS"]]
/ Vlad: Buy ten sandwiches and I put your picture on the Wall Of The Tough Guys!
/ Philippe: Really?! / [[Close-up on a signed picture.]]
/ Vlad: Look, here is James Brolin! He was in just this mornink!
/ Philippe: Who? / [[Another picture.]]
/ Vlad: Here is photo Charles Bronson mails in! He is Master of Tough Guys, but cannot travel due to hip.
/ Philippe: Wow! / Philippe: {{thinking}} I want to be on the Wall of Tough Guys!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01032003 |
| Achewood - January 3, 2005 | Overground Map:
/ Achewood, California / 1. Residence of Ray Smuckles
/ 2. Kazenzakis residence
/ 3. Residence of Pat Reynolds
/ 4. Residence of Téodor, Philippe, Mr. Bear, Lyle, and the Onstads
/ 5. Apartment residence of Chucklebot, Andy, Vlad, Tina, Emeril, Spongebath
/ 6. Residence of Todd Squirrel / LEGEND.
/ * Entrance to underground (storm drain, disguised stairwell, train tunnel, repurposed newspaper stand, basement, manhole, etc.)
/ == Major thoroughfare or highway
/ --- Surface street
/ - - Boundary of main underground imprint / SCALE
/ __ = 1/6 mile / [[Text in map:]] / ACHEWOOD HEIGHTS
/ ACHEWOOD ESTATES
/ EAST ACHEWOOD
/ ACHEWOOD
/ Dexter University
/ Seven Pines G.C. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01032005 |
| Achewood - January 3, 2005 | Overground Map:
/ Achewood, California / 1. Residence of Ray Smuckles
/ 2. Kazenzakis residence
/ 3. Residence of Pat Reynolds
/ 4. Residence of Téodor, Philippe, Mr. Bear, Lyle, and the Onstads
/ 5. Apartment residence of Chucklebot, Andy, Vlad, Tina, Emeril, Spongebath
/ 6. Residence of Todd Squirrel / LEGEND.
/ * Entrance to underground (storm drain, disguised stairwell, train tunnel, repurposed newspaper stand, basement, manhole, etc.)
/ == Major thoroughfare or highway
/ --- Surface street
/ - - Boundary of main underground imprint / SCALE
/ __ = 1/6 mile / [[Text in map:]] / ACHEWOOD HEIGHTS
/ ACHEWOOD ESTATES
/ EAST ACHEWOOD
/ ACHEWOOD
/ Dexter University
/ Seven Pines G.C. / {{title text: Serializer subscribers will notice subtle variations on the original neighborhood map}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01032005 |
| Lyle's sink bath | [[Lyle is sitting by himself in the left hand sink of a double kitchen sink, with a bottle of liquor. He has a Chevrolet tattoo on his chest.]]
/ <> / Ray: DAAAAAMN, PEOPLE
/ OH HELL YES
/ [[Lyle turns toward him, looking angry]] / [[Ray is roller-skating around with an iPod, wearing his trademark shades, thong, and medallion.]]
/ Ray: RAAAAAY
/ SMUCKLES / Ray: THE DUDE HAS ICKY MOVES / [[He skates a weave pattern.]]
/ Ray: HE SKATES THE DREAMS OF THE CHILDREN WHO HAVE NO ONE TO SPEAK FOR THEM / [[Ray whips his head around in surprise.]]
/ Ray: Dang but does it smell like simmered-up pinto beans in this place. / [[Ray sees Lyle in the sink.]]
/ Ray: Oh! Lyle! You sittin' in the sink! Why come? / Lyle: Shower's busted. Got a job interview. / Ray: You need soap to take a bath, not just whiskey!
/ Heh! Classic Lyle. / Lyle: What's with the fruit boots?
/ Ray: Oh, this? Diabetes, man! Gonna beat the D in oh-three-plus-three! / Ray: Turns out roller skatin' is the best type of exercise there is!
/ Runnin' a mile stinks, tennis is 80's, and hockey dudes always gettin' donked on the head. So, I skate, plus I eat well! / Ray (singing): If it's fried to a crunch, I can't have a bunch!
/ I order my salad new girlfriend-style -- Dressing on the side, great big fake smile. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01032006 |
| Achewood - January 3, 2007: Lyle is demoted from Mister Band | [[Lyle holds a guitar]]
/ Lyle: I’m just sayin’, two guys are in a band, usually both of ’em get to help write songs. Gimme a shot, man. / [[Nice Pete speaks into his microphone]]
/ Nice Pete: Hm. I see. This is like women’s television. You feel you are not, “being heard.”
/ Lyle: Well, yeah. Basically. / Nice Pete: And do you know what I think of women? / Nice Pete: I think that women are clear, like a horrible toy with no color in the plastic.
/ Nice Pete: If they talk, it is the sound of glass breaking and birds burning in a shoebox. / Nice Pete: In speaking that way, Lyle—of your needs—you have become the woman of this band. / Nice Pete: I will remain as the leader, but you will no longer be allowed to play music. Your job now, as a woman, is to provide hot stews and identify your replacement.
/ Nice Pete: One, two, three! / {{title text: A woman’s voice is crime and siren in one.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01032007 |
| Achewood - January 3, 2008 | Ray: Here's the thing. Stephen Hawking couldn't fight his way outta a paper bag, right? / Roast Beef: There's a lot of things Stephen Hawking can't do with a paper bag but yeah
/ Ray: And he only talks outta a computer? / Roast Beef: He's a hackable dude for sure I mean he is basically a laptop
/ [[Ray gets the germ of an idea.]] / [[Stephen Hawking is on a stage.]]
/ Hawking: ESTEEMED COLLEAGUES AND MEMBERS OF THE PANEL IT IS MY HONOR TO PRESENT YOU WITH THE LATEST EQUATION... / [[Ray, in black-ops gear with a gun with telescopic sight, pushes a button on a keyboard.]] / Hawking: VISIT GOLDEN PALACE DOT COM FOR ALL YOUR GAMING NEEDS AND FLY ON SIR RICHARD BRANSON'S AIRLINE WHENEVER TIME PERMITS
/ Audience: GASP - GASP - OH MY / Ray: Dolly to the dollhouse. The mole has left the mountain. There are seven pieces of rice. Oh me oh my. Do you copy. / {{alt text: Stephen Hawking looks at the paper bag on the counter and he's like CURSE YOUUUU}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01032008 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01032012&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=pulsenews">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01032012&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=pulsenews | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Hand-held fan | [[Mr. Bear sits on the sofa with a hand-held fan]]
/ Mr. Bear: AHHHH / [[Lyle appears with a bottle of liquor]]
/ Lyle: Oooh! Look at the big woman with his little fan! Are you sitting on a doily, Mr. Lady-Lady? / Lyle: Better not get that too close to your uterus! It might freeze your dainty little ovaries! / Mr. Bear: Oh please. I'm just feeling a little hot. / Lyle: Maybe it's menopause! you ever hear of that, you dumb old broad? Ha ha ha! / [[Lyle gives Mr. Bear the finger]] / {{title text: Lyle travels through the living room, agitated by drink.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01042002 |
| Police Blotter, 9/8/1932 | [[Scan of old Police Blotter, which reads:]]
/ ACHEWOOD CITY POLICE DEPARTMENT
/ Incidents of Police Record for the date September 8, 1932.
/ IN LARAMIE ST.
/ Eulalie Dorsson, of 14 Laramie St., reports that groceries valued at $3.42 were damaged by animals before she could meet the grocer and bring them in. A packet of coffee beans was opened and contaminated by claw marks, tins of Italian tomatoes were tossed about roughly and scraped, and 2 lb. of ground beef was missing entirely.
/ Barbara Fenwick, of 62 Laramie St., reports that several chrome strips were removed from her automobile. Deputy reports confirm that said pieces are missing. The automobile is a '25 Mettering Type VII. Reward.
/ IN PINING WAY
/ David Grimes, of 175 Pining way, had left his hat outside for a moment when he returned to discover that it had been struck through the crown with a sharpened dowel. Mr. Grimes (Dexter '02) reports that several of his old college chums may have been in the vicinity, with no good purpose in mind. Several animal tracks were found in the area, perhaps made by special molds belonging to Mr. Grimes' college chums. Investigation open; contact with the chums has not been established.
/ ALONG ACHEWATER CREEK, WEST COOPERATION
/ The body of a vagrant was discovered early yesterday morning along the West Cooperation at Hooper's Gate. The pockets contained several dollars in loose change, and a wallet with photographs remained intact. Only the curious detail of the vagrant's hair having been tied to a nearby blackberry bush via a half-dozen lines of twine distinguished the otherwise common scene.
/ SOUTH OF THE WATER TEMPLE PEDIMENT
/ Trespassers once again dislodged the grate covering the main aqueduct exchange. Found about the scene were several discarded liquor bottles and one extremely small novelty hat. Youth are suspected.
/ PENMAN SQUARE
/ Each of the perimeter refuse bins which demarcate the border of the square was set aflame last evening. Responding officers noted nothing other than a preponderance of curious raccoon eyes in the underbrush, which quickly dispersed when a rock was thrown.
/ CROFT-BYMAN SUBDIVIDE
/ A fresh boar's hide was found draped over the Croft-Byman gate yesterday morning. Perversely, the creature had been decorated with four tiny black boots, and a miniature wallet found nearby held a photograph of what is assumed to be a lady boar.
/ EAST ACHEWOOD
/ A hound dog was found hanged by the neck, strung up on the automatic railroad crossing gate. The cord was long enough that the dog could stand on the ground while the gate was down, but not once the gate lifted. This is the fifteenth such incident in recent months, a crime which detectives have nicknamed "mailbagging." No leads have been identified, but officials have stated that the perpetrators always wrap the victim's head in a burlap Gravenstein apple sack prior to placing the noose.
/ Sherovoam Duncan was arrested on charges of public drunkenness outside of the What Cheer saloon on Broadway.
/ Murray V. O'Dowd was arrested on charges of public drunkenness outside of the Tam O'Shanter saloon on Larkhurst.
/ Immanuel Rutlidge was arrested on charges of private drunkenness, in his own bed, so loud did he yell his own name and cry for arrest. It is the first known case of its type.
/ A man's body was threaded through a dozen car tires and rolled down Parson's Grade. The man came to a rest in Swinehart Creek at Mooney's Mill. The dome of his head had been exposed during the roll and was extremely damaged by rocks and brambles. Investigation open.
/ Stanislaus Kyrevjcny, 31, toppled the house of a neighbor with whom he had been having an argument. He pushed hard on the neighbor's wall until the house fell down. The neighbor sat there, in his garters and shirt, without even his collar, as the dust settled into his breakfast soup. He blinked several times incredulously as the Pole stood by and laughed.
/ A local meeting of the Men of Promise, a Christian husband's club, was so overcome by the spirit that they overturned a child's pedal-car. Mr. Einar Ingvaldsson, of 341 Drake, upon inspection of the toy, decided not to press charges, at which point the accused returned to the church to consume juice and swap impressions of the event.
/ OBITUARIES.
/ Eldred Phepps, 65. Mr. Phepps was found deceased next to his cat, also deceased, in his East Achewood pension. Cirrhosis was determined to be the cause of death for both. Mr. Phepps was remembered by his neighbors as a troubled widower who had lost all six of his sons at Chemin des Dames.
/ Mr. Phepps will be cremated by the city. No services are planned.
/ Marjorie Rozenfeldt, 83. Mrs. Rozenfeldt took her own life in an East Achewood doss house. Mrs. Rozenfeldt had lost eleven grandchildren in the battles of Gallipolli, Trentino, and Jutland. Her husband Abraham passed away eighteen years prior.
/ Mrs. Rozenfeldt will be cremated by the city. No services are planned.
/ Silas Manning Graham, aged 3 months. Baby Silas was tragically poisoned when an exotic orchid wilted into his crib and the deadly flower was mistaken for a suckling teat.
/ Dr. and Mrs. Robert J. Graham plan to donate a new library to Dexter University in honor of their son's passing. Funeral services to be held Tuesday at Our Lady of the Divine Grace, Achewood Heights, 10:00AM.
/ Contact the Department: Tel. A-5022 http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01042005 |
| Achewood - January 4, 2006 | [[Text: WHAT DO THEY DREAM ABOUT WHEN THEY GO TO SLEEP (TEODOR)]] / [[Ray has his arm around Teodor. They are addressing a businessman.]]
/ Ray: (Referring to Teodor) This is Wade Hanson. He's the genius behind your new ad campaign. / Man: So, the idea of a sofa-sized ice cube tray with a puppy in each compartment was yours?
/ Teodor: Yes sir! / Man: We have a spot for you in-house, at our Hawaii office. What do you say?
/ Ray: Wow, Hawaii! / Man: You know, they'll let you marry whoever you want over there!
/ Ray: Anybody, Wade! / Teodor: (thinking) Wait, does he think I'm gay? He thinks I'm gay! Just because I'm a designer! / Teodor: I...uh...I guess I... / [[Teodor pulls off his snout.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01042006 |
| Achewood - January 4, 2007: The Lyle-Téodor Swap | [[Lyle is on the phone]]
/ Lyle: Hey T! You play bass? I need someone to stand in for me. / [[Téodor answers on a cell phone, apparently in the middle of jogging]]
/ Téodor: Sure I can play the bass. Anyone can play the bass. It's an idiot's instrument. It was invented so the guitarist and drummer would qualify for the carpool lane. / Lyle: Careful, shithead. I play the bass.
/ Téodor: Well, Sting has an IQ of 103, so as you can see it's just a high-functioning generalization. What's up? / Lyle: I... uh... I gotta go meet the children of Senator Dell Graham. / [[Lyle winces, waiting to see whether Téodor buys it]] / Téodor: That's weird. What's the deal?
/ Lyle: Oh, he's an old friend of my dad's. Kind of a pain, what can you do. Total formality.
/ [[Téodor breathes heavily]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01042007 |
| Achewood - January 4, 2007: The Lyle-Téodor Swap | [[Lyle is on the phone. He is holding a bottle of drink.]]
/ Lyle: Hey T! You play bass? I need someone to stand in for me. / [[Téodor answers on a cell phone, apparently in the middle of jogging]]
/ Téodor: Sure I can play the bass. Anyone can play the bass. It's an idiot's instrument. It was invented so the guitarist and drummer would qualify for the carpool lane. / Lyle (over the phone): Careful, shithead. I play the bass.
/ Téodor: Well, Sting has an IQ of 103, so as you can see it's just a high-functioning generalization. What's up? / Lyle: I... uh... I gotta go meet the children of Senator Dell Graham. / [[Lyle winces, waiting to see whether Téodor buys it]] / Téodor: That's weird. What's the deal?
/ Lyle (over the phone): Oh, he's an old friend of my dad's. Kind of a pain, what can you do. Total formality.
/ [[Téodor breathes heavily]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01042007 |
| Achewood - January 4, 2008 | Cornelius: A package with the tell-tale arrow for you, Teodor.
/ Teodor: Oh! Good! My new books from Amazon. / Cornelius: Which titles did you order, if I might ask?
/ Teodor: Just some stuff to help me with Philippe. He's been going through phases lately, and asking a lot of questions.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01042008 |
| Achewood - January 5, 2004 | [[Roast Beef is beating on the door of a public toilet stall)]]
/ Roast Beef: Ray come on dogg
/ We figured on how to get out of here
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01052004 |
| Achewood - January 5, 2005 | [[Scene is Ray and Roast Beef, alone. Both are wearing wigs.]]
/ Roast Beef: Alright Ray how does my Patsy Cline look
/ Is it any good / Ray: It's solid, man. Do you think my Loretta Lynn is decent? / Roast Beef: Yeah man it is spot on and the hair is great too so let's do this
/ Ray: Let's do this! Let's do this! / Roast Beef: Hello my name is Patsy Cline
/ Thank you for tuning in to our good old-fashioned country-time Ladies' Music Revue / Ray (singing): Oh daddy had a harelip/and momma had lice/Brother's in a pine box/They found him in the ice / [[Roast Beef plays a guitar.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01052005 |
| Achewood - January 5, 2006 | Teodor, in a Tinky-Winky (Teletubby) suit: [[looking fat and sassy]] Hello! / Teodor, in a Tinky-Winky (Teletubby) suit: [[adopting a Marching pose]] Hello, / Teodor, in a Tinky-Winky (Teletubby) suit: [[doing calesthenics for old ladies]] Hello! / Teodor, in a Tinky-Winky (Teletubby) suit: [[he has just landed on the Moon, figuratively]] Hello, / Teodor, in a Tinky-Winky (Teletubby) suit: [[arms bent up at elbows, irate now, feeling powerless]] Hello! / Teodor, in a Tinky-Winky (Teletubby) suit: [[matter-of-factly, now, to a crawling baby with three wisps of hair]] That was fun! That was fun! That was fun! Hello, fun that was had! Hello, fun! / Teodor, in a Tinky-Winky (Teletubby) suit: [[touching his nose]]: Wait! I am touching my nose! That means your daddy's money just ran out! Hee hee! Boy, is that gonna be a big theme in your life! Ding!
/ Baby: [[pointing at Teodor]] gub! / Teodor, in a Tinky-Winky (Teletubby) suit: [[his Teletubby hood has been removed, speaking to the legs of a human fellow]] Time's up. If you're done drinking American Shenanigan and staring catatonically at your own baby pictures, I need to go. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01052006 |
| Achewood - January 5, 2006 | Teodor, in a Tinky-Winky (Teletubby) suit: [[looking fat and sassy]] Hello! / Teodor, in a Tinky-Winky (Teletubby) suit: [[adopting a Marching pose]] Hello, / Teodor, in a Tinky-Winky (Teletubby) suit: [[doing calisthenics for old ladies]] Hello! / Teodor, in a Tinky-Winky (Teletubby) suit: [[he has just landed on the Moon, figuratively]] Hello, / Teodor, in a Tinky-Winky (Teletubby) suit: [[arms bent up at elbows, irate now, feeling powerless]] Hello! / Teodor, in a Tinky-Winky (Teletubby) suit: [[matter-of-factly, now, to a crawling baby with three wisps of hair]] That was fun! That was fun! That was fun! Hello, fun that was had! Hello, fun! / Teodor, in a Tinky-Winky (Teletubby) suit: [[touching his nose]]: Wait! I am touching my nose! That means your daddy's money just ran out! Hee hee! Boy, is that gonna be a big theme in your life! Ding!
/ Baby: [[pointing at Teodor]] gub! / Teodor, in a Tinky-Winky (Teletubby) suit: [[his Teletubby hood has been removed, speaking to the legs of a human fellow]] Time's up. If you're done drinking Ancient Shenanigan and staring catatonically at your own baby pictures, I need to go. / {{Agree with me, friend, that in a perfect world there is an inexpensive whiskey named Ancient Shenanigan.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01052006 |
| Achewood - January 5, 2007 | [[Teodor is standing at Ray's doorstep]] / Ray: Hey, T! Whatchu doin' round my pad? I'm light, dogg. Serious times. Smoke up a friend, holmes. I'm so bored. / Teodor: I'm sitting in for Lyle on bass tonight. What's the deal with this band? Are you in it? / Ray: Me? Hells naw, man. I ain't wantin' to get too tight with that Nice Pete dude.
/ Ray: Kief? Jay? Shake? Kingston Sideburn? I ain't picky, dude. / Teodor: Holy crap! Nice Pete's in the band? Who else? Please tell me a cop and a doctor. / Ray: Sorry, dogg. Just you and him. You know he kicked Lyle out, right? Just for sayin' his own ideas?
/ Ray: Weed, it's what's for dinner. Puff, puff, puff. Oh me, oh my. / Teodor: I'm not doing it. Lyle lied to me. Fuck this. Yeah, I'm holding. Let's go up to the roof. / [[Ray looks happily at Teodor, and raises a fist in joy.]] / {{Ray has a crush on being high pass it on}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01052007 |
| Achewood - January 5, 2007 | [[Teodor is standing at Ray's doorstep]]
/ Ray: Hey, T! Whatchu doin' round my pad? I'm light, dogg. Serious times. Smoke up a friend, holmes. I'm so bored. / Teodor: I'm sitting in for Lyle on bass tonight. What's the deal with this band? Are you in it? / Ray: Me? Hells naw, man. I ain't wantin' to get too tight with that Nice Pete dude.
/ Ray: Kief? Jay? Shake? Kingston Sideburn? I ain't picky, dude. / Teodor: Holy crap! Nice Pete's in the band? Who else? Please tell me a cop and a doctor. / Ray: Sorry, dogg. Just you and him. You know he kicked Lyle out, right? Just for sayin' his own ideas?
/ Ray: Weed, it's what's for dinner. Puff, puff, puff. Oh me, oh my. / Teodor: I'm not doing it. Lyle lied to me. Fuck this. Yeah, I'm holding. Let's go up to the roof. / [[Ray looks happily at Teodor.]] / [[Ray raises a fist in joy.]] / {{Ray has a crush on being high pass it on}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01052007 |
| Achewood - January 5, 2007 | [[Teodor is standing at Ray's doorstep]] / Ray: Hey, T! Whatchu doin' round my pad? I'm light, dogg. Serious times. Smoke up a friend, holmes. I'm so bored. / Teodor: I'm sitting in for Lyle on bass tonight. What's the deal with this band? Are you in it? / Ray: Me? Hells naw, man. I ain't wantin' to get too tight with that Nice Pete dude.
/ Ray: Kief? Jay? Shake? Kingston Sideburn? I ain't picky, dude. / Teodor: Holy crap! Nice Pete's in the band? Who else? Please tell me a cop and a doctor. / Ray: Sorry, dogg. Just you and him. You know he kicked Lyle out, right? Just for sayin' his own ideas?
/ Ray: Weed, it's what's for dinner. Puff, puff, puff. Oh me, oh my. / Teodor: I'm not doing it. Lyle lied to me. Fuck this. Yeah, I'm holding. Let's go up to the roof. / [[Ray looks happily at Teodor, and raises a fist in joy.]] / {{Image Title: Ray has a crush on being high pass it on}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01052007 |
| Achewood - January 6, 2004 | [[Scene is outside Friendly's restaurant in Hell.]]
/ Roast Beef: Alright Todd Ray can't get up so let's just bring a menu to him and get out of this place
/ Todd: C-C-Cool! / [[Scene is inside the men's restroom in Friendly's.]]
/ Roast Beef: You got your riddle all figured out then ?
/ Todd: Pshaw! D-Don't insult m-m-me. / Roast Beef: Alright dudes if you are ready then look straight into the bowl and answer the riddle you see in the menu when you cross your eyes / [[Roast Beef's riddle: "RIDDLE: Have you ever stuck your finger up your own (obscured)"]]
/ [[Todd's riddle: "If you're running a race and you pass the person in second place, what place are you in?"]]
/ [[Ray's riddle: "How much do most rocks weigh?"]] / Roast Beef: Twice
/ Todd: F-F-F-First place! Duh!
/ Ray: About a pound. / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01062004 |
| Achewood - January 6, 2006 | Cornelius [[holding a large brandy glass]]: What's all this Ray? [[Cornelius and Ray are standing behind a large and assorted stack of cardboard boxes.]] / Ray [[hand to mouth, thoughtfully]]: I ain't even sure. Me and the boys got pretty donked up yesterday and went kind of crazy on those TV shoppin' networks. / [[Ray is now crouched down, examining a very large framed poster, the poster says 'Italy' four times in different fonts, beneath which is the title - Quattro Stagione: the four seasons Giacomo Vendelli/Milan. Ray is looking perplexed]] / [[Ray and Cornelius are in the background, Ray is now scratching his head, hand on hip. In the foreground are some package labels, a smallish one says - Hollywood Laser Hair! A large one addressed to Ray says - IT'S THE... $50 Prison Pen Pal!]] / Ray: What in the hell?! [[he's opened a package, which is beside him now, and is reading a piece of paper]]
/ Man, I musta' been in the bathroom for this one! Everybody knows I hate pen pals! / The letter: Dear Ray, Let me get one thing clear. I love you. But it will be hard for me to learn to trust again after the events that falsely led against me (more on this soon).
/ My first favor is small, but it will show me who you are. Please cash the enclosed Postal Money Order ($700) and give it to my brother, who was badly ripped off by his landlord, a man named Mr. Samuel Ademis. He will be... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01062006 |
| Achewood - January 6, 2006 | Cornelius [[holding a large brandy glass]]: What's all this Ray? [[Cornelius and Ray are standing behind a large and assorted stack of cardboard boxes.]] / Ray [[hand to mouth, thoughtfully]]: I ain't even sure. Me and the boys got pretty donked up yesterday and went kind of crazy on those TV shoppin' networks. / [[Ray is now crouched down, examining a very large framed poster, the poster says 'Italy' four times in different fonts, beneath which is the title - Quattro Stagione: the four seasons Giacomo Vendelli/Milan. Ray is looking perplexed]] / [[Ray and Cornelius are in the background, Ray is now scratching his head, hand on hip. In the foreground are some package labels, a smallish one says - Hollywood Laser Hair! A large one addressed to Ray says - IT'S THE... $50 Prison Pen Pal!]] / Ray: What in the hell?! [[he's opened a package, which is beside him now, and is reading a piece of paper]]
/ Man, I musta' been in the bathroom for this one! Everybody knows I hate pen pals! / The letter: Dear Ray, Let me get one thing clear. I love you. But it will be hard for me to learn to trust again after the events that falsely led against me (more on this soon).
/ My first favor is small, but it will show me who you are. Please cash the enclosed Postal Money Order ($700) and give it to my brother, who was badly ripped off by his landlord, a man named Mr. Samuel Ademis. He will be... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01062006 |
| Coming in 2009 | Title: Coming in 2009 / Title shows Teodor with a floating ball, looking serious, Phillippe looking like he's seven, and Ray looking perplexed at the head of Todd impaled on a stick. / The Story of Lyle
/ Standing in front of a souped-up volkswagen beetle, Lyle drinking beer from a can, talking to a girl with a serious mullet, drinking from a can and smoking. / Lyle: We're fucked, babe. Gator beat town with all the gear from the cabinet shop. / Girl: I done TOLE you not to get that loan in your name! Now you ain't never gonna get no credit no more and I sure as HELL ain't marryin' no dishwasher / Subtext reads: Gainesville, 1989 / Three panels follow titled "ALSO, Inappropriate instruments of affection" / Philippe on a black and white tv, dressed in an army uniform, possibly referencing nazi attire. / Philippe: Ladies and Gentlemen, I command your attention!
/ Philippe: AHEM... Tonight is a new beginning! tonight is the first night of...
/ Philippe, stern: Cüddlenacht! / Another three panels follow titled "All-new Continuity errors! 'Can you spot them all?'" / Ray, dressed in shorts with pockets, talking to Roast Beef on the phone / Ray: Hey Beef, you had dinner yet?
/ Ray: Yeah, me too. Couple tacos
/ Ray: Alright. Talk to you later, dogg / The last three panels follow titled "And... Roomba Cinema Mash-ups"
/ The movies are "Amadeus" and "Some kind of wonderful" / Showing Teodor as Mozart and Roast Beef as Antonio Salieri in Amadeus / Mozart, singing "AH HA HA HA HAAAAAA": You always knew you were going to get these earrings, didn't you, Salieri? / Mozart puts earrings on Salieri, who is crying / Salieri: Let's always be working class okay Mozart
/ Salieri Let's not kid ourselves and try to be all rich like how those jerks are / Mozart: These earrings will symbolize the Utopian fraud of wealth Ah HA ha ha HAAA! / Alt-text: After the last panel, Mozart whispers TAE YM TIHS http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01062009 |
| We attempt a knock-knock joke! | Philippe: Knock knock! / Mr. Bear: Who's there, Philippe? / Philippe: A screaming person! / Mr. Bear: My, what a stumper this is! All right...a screaming person who? / Philippe: A screaming person out in the street! / [[Looking out the window]]
/ Mr. Bear: Oh my goodness! What a gruesome car accident! / {{title text: A knock-knock joke. You like those, don't you?}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01072002 |
| Achewood - January 7, 2003 | [[Showbiz is holding a bottle, next to a pair of sunglasses on the table.]]
/ Showbiz: Hey! Where you goin', Beef?! / Roast Beef: Ray! RAY! Where you at man / [[Ray is laying down on the floor of a restroom stall. We can see him underneath the door.]]
/ Ray: [[singing]] Where is Ray / Roast Beef: Man Ray you a shambles What the hell man where's your underpants
/ Ray: [[singing]] In heaven / Roast Beef: Oh god flush the toilet once in a while why don't you You my most disgusting friend you know that
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01072003 |
| Achewood - January 7, 2003 | [[Showbiz is holding a bottle, next to a pair of sunglasses on the table.]]
/ Showbiz: Hey! Where you goin', Beef?! / Roast Beef: Ray! RAY! Where you at man / [[Ray is laying down on the floor of a restroom stall. We can see him underneath the door.]]
/ Ray: [[singing]] Where is Ray / Roast Beef: Man Ray you a shambles What the hell man where's your underpants
/ Ray: [[singing]] In heaven / Roast Beef: Oh god flush the toilet once in a while why don't you You my most disgusting friend you know that
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01072003 |
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