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| Achewood - September 6, 2005 | Panel text: RAY SMUCKLES: HE GETS THINGS DONE
/ [[Ray is hunching forward on the toilet looking at a catalog with an irritated expression]]
/ Ray: Man, the food photography in this Home Depot catalog is ass! / [[Close up of Ray's face, sitting up against the toilet lid -- inspiration has struck!]]
/ Ray:... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09062005 |
| Achewood - September 6, 2005 | Panel text: RAY SMUCKLES: HE GETS THINGS DONE
/ [[Ray is hunching forward on the toilet looking at a catalog with an irritated expression]]
/ Ray: Man, the food photography in this Home Depot catalog is ass! / [[Close up of Ray's face, sitting up against the toilet lid -- inspiration has struck!]]
/ Ray:... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09062005 |
| Achewood - September 6, 2005 | Panel text: RAY SMUCKLES: HE GETS THINGS DONE
/ [[Ray is hunching forward on the toilet looking at a catalog with an irritated expression]]
/ Ray: Man, the food photography in this Home Depot catalog is ass! / [[Close up of Ray's face, sitting up against the toilet lid -- inspiration has struck!]]
/ Ray:... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09062005 |
| Achewood - September 6, 2006 | [[Teodor, Roast Beef, and Ray are out walking]]
/ Ray: Oh man, it's a Magreaux dog! Quick, let's cross the street like we didn't see him. / [[The Magreaux dog stands on the sidewalk on its hind legs, wearing a sweatshirt and holding a soda. It is similar in appearance to Ray, with the same rounded... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09062006 |
| Achewood - September 7, 2004 | [[Ray and Roast Beef are having a conversation on the phone.]]
/ Roast Beef: So yeah uh I was at Raley's and they have changed the label design on cans of --- / [[The phone conversation is interrupted as Ray's cordless phone begins picking up loud interference.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09072004 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/?date=09072005">http://achewood.com/?date=09072005 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - September 7, 2006 | [[Roast Beef on cell phone at the doctor's office.]]
/ Roast Beef: Hey Pat uh Ray just saw a Magreaux dog downtown by the KFC / Roast Beef: Yeah we're at the doctor's office he's gettin' the whole workup you know full body MRI and even a chaplain / Roast Beef: Yeah man ok cool I'll see you here in a... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09072006 |
| Achewood - September 7, 2007 | [[Ray sits at a writing desk with a pencil in his hand, looking worried, while Teodor walks up behind him.]]
/ Ray: Whoah, man, check this out! Everything I draw accidentally ends up lookin' like a dick!
/ Teodor: Really? / Ray: Yeah, dude! Ask me to draw somethin'!
/ Teodor: Okay, how about a loaf of... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09072007 |
| Achewood - September 8, 2004 | Ray: Waterbury, um, are you a secret agent instead of a butler?
/ Waterbury: Sir? / Ray: My cordless phone accidentally picked up your call to the Queen last night.
/ Waterbury: Ah, I see... / Waterbury: Yes, Mr. Smuckles. I am sorry to have deceived you, but the safety of the crown was at stake.
/ Ray:... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09082004 |
| Achewood - September 8, 2006 | Doctor: Well, Ray, the MRI didn't turn up anything. I'd like to do one last test, a video colonoscopy.
/ Ray: Anything, doc. Whatever you think is necessary. / Doctor: So you know, we're evaluating a new piece of equipment - the Sanryobuki RemoteMed "Trio." It examines three patients at once and is guided... http://achewood.com/?date=09082006 |
| Achewood - September 8, 2006 | [[Doctor holding a clipboard talking to Ray, who is wearing only a long sheet of paper over his front with a strap around the neck]]
/ Doctor: Well, Ray, the MRI didn't turn up anything. I'd like to do one last test, a video colonoscopy.
/ Ray: Anything, doc. Whatever you think is necessary. / Doctor:... http://achewood.com/?date=09082006 |
| Achewood - September 8, 2006 | [[Dr. Andreti is holding a board of some sorts, while Ray is wearing an examination garb]] / Dr. Andretti: Well, Ray, the MRI didn't turn up anything. I'd like to do one last test, a video colonsocopy.
/ Ray: Anything, doc. Whatever you think is necessary. / Dr. Andretti: So, you know, we're evaluating... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09082006 |
| Achewood § September 8, 2009 | [[Beef and Molly's dark bedroom. Molly alone in bed, asleep.]] / [[Beef getting into bed.]] / [[Molly coughs a bit in her sleep.]] / [[Mid shot of Roast Beef.]] / [[Roast Beef thinks to himself:]]
/ Beef: Sorry Molly / Beef: I was a coward who would desert a dyin' man. / [[Hosptial. A doctor over... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09082009 |
| Achewood - September 9, 2002 | [[Ray speaks into the phone to Roast Beef, who is still on the moon. Lyle and Teodor are watching TV in the background.]]
/ Ray: Roast Beef! You should get down here! We lookin' at *hella porno!* / [[Roast Beef is in the cockpit of Pat's rocket ship speaking on the phone. Ray is visible as an inset head... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09092002 |
| Achewood - September 9, 2002 - We lookin' at hella porno | [[Ray speaks into the phone to Roast Beef, who is still on the moon. Lyle and Teodor are watching TV in the background.]]
/ Ray: Roast Beef! You should get down here! We lookin' at *hella porno!* / [[Roast Beef is in the cockpit of Pat's rocket ship speaking on the phone. Ray is visible as an inset head... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09092002 |
| Your Porno Name | [[DIARY STRIP: CORNELIUS BEAR, SEPTEMBER 9, 2003]]
/ [[TRAPPED IN THE DUMBWATER]]
/ Roast Beef: Okay guys uh do you know how to generate your "porn star name"
/ Lyle: No! How? / Mr. Bear: Roast Beef entertained us with an amusing game he had read about on the Web.
/ Roast Beef: Well uh it's pretty fun
/ Roast... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09092003 |
| Your Porno Name | [[DIARY STRIP: CORNELIUS BEAR, SEPTEMBER 9, 2003]]
/ [[TRAPPED IN THE DUMBWATER]]
/ Roast Beef: Okay guys uh do you know how to generate your "porn star name"
/ Lyle: No! How? / Mr. Bear: Roast Beef entertained us with an amusing game he had read about on the Web.
/ Roast Beef: Well uh it's pretty fun
/ Roast... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09092003 |
| Achewood - September 9, 2004 | Roast Beef: Oh heck if that isn't my cell phone dang it
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09092004 |
| Achewood - September 9, 2005 | [[Téodor is on the phone. Philippe is standing next to him.]]
/ Téodor: Pat? Philippe wants to know if he can come look at your aquarium today.
/ Philippe (thinking): Yes! / [[Pat is in front of an aquarium with several kinds of fish and a treasure chest, holding a cordless phone.]]
/ Pat: You told the... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09092005 |
| Achewood - September 10, 2002 | [[The backyard of a house in Achewood. Pat's rocket ship has just touched down and Roast Beef has disembarked via the ramp. Ray is there to greet him.]]
/ Ray: Dogg! It's good to see you! / Roast Beef: yeah uh you too Ray you too
/ Ray: Man, has it been a while!
/ [[He opens his arms and hastens towards... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09102002 |
| Ketel One, Eminem, Twain Invents the Internet | [[BACK WITH MARK TWAIN]]
/ Mark Twain: I thanked Ray and Philippe for using their time machine to bring me the wonders of their modern world:
/ Ray: Well, we gotta take. Philippe starts school tomorrow! / Mark Twain: The Ketel One vodka was a great improvement upon the vodkas I had sampled while abroad;
/ Ray:... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09102003 |
| Achewood - September 10, 2004 | [[Ray_and_Beef_Chat 6.0]]
/ [[(C) R.Beef Kazenzakis 1996-2004]] / ray: Dirty Sanchez all the way!
/ beef: oh man dogg old high school terms such as Dirty Sanchez and Cleveland Steamer, also Donkey Punch
/ beef: man so excellent
/ ray: Don't 4get the Blumpkin!
/ beef: Oh man I have this .txt file of a bunch... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09102004 |
| Ray and Beef Chat | [[Ray_and_Beef_Chat 6.0]]
/ [[(C) R.Beef Kazenzakis 1996-2004]] / ray: Dirty Sanchez all the way!
/ beef: oh man dogg old high school terms such as Dirty Sanchez and Cleveland Steamer, also Donkey Punch
/ beef: man so excellent
/ ray: Don't 4get the Blumpkin!
/ beef: Oh man I have this .txt file of a bunch... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09102004 |
| Achewood - September 10, 2004 | [[Ray_and_Beef_Chat 6.0]]
/ [[(C) R.Beef Kazenzakis 1996-2004]] / ray: Dirty Sanchez all the way!
/ beef: oh man dogg old high school terms such as Dirty Sanchez and Cleveland Steamer, also Donkey Punch
/ beef: man so excellent
/ ray: Don't 4get the Blumpkin!
/ beef: Oh man I have this .txt file of a bunch... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09102004 |
| Achewood - September 10, 2007 | [[Teodor sits at a computer as Mr. Bear looks over his shoulder.]]
/ Mr. Bear: Your reply might have gone to my "Junk" mail folder? How do you mean?
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09102007 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09102008">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09102008 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - September 11, 2002 | [[A backyard in Achewood. Pat's rocket ship, back from the moon, is parked on its fins, the ramp extended but the door shut. Ray is knocking on the door.]]
/ Ray: Roast Beef! Come on out the spaceship!
/ Roast Beef (inside): why should I... just gonna get *lied to* / Ray: Is that what you really think?... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09112002 |
| You just gonna lie to me | [[A backyard in Achewood. Pat's rocket ship, back from the moon, is parked on its fins, the ramp extended but the door shut. Ray is knocking on the door.]]
/ Ray: Roast Beef! Come on out the spaceship!
/ Roast Beef (inside): why should I... Just gonna get lied to / Ray: Is that what you really... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09112002 |
| Coming Home / Clues | Ray: Phew, glad THAT'S over! Man, 1882 was MEGA dull!
/ Philippe: You didn't have to lie to him! He was so nice to us! / Ray: Well BLAH blah BLAH blah BLAH blah BLAH!
/ Philippe: Ray! Look! The police are at your house! / Ray: That ain't the police! That's the company that looks after my Harman Kardons!
/ Ray:... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09112003 |
| Coming Home / Clues | Ray: Phew, glad THAT'S over! Man, 1882 was MEGA dull!
/ Philippe: You didn't have to lie to him! He was so nice to us! / Ray: Well BLAH blah BLAH blah BLAH blah BLAH!
/ Philippe: Ray! Look! The police are at your house! / Ray: That ain't the police! That's the company that looks after my Harman Kardons!
/ Ray:... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09112003 |
| Achewood - September 11, 2006 | [[Title: HEUTE AUF DEUTSCH.]]
/ Ray: Ich habe Gesellschaft!
/ {{literally, "I have society"} / [[Statue of Teodor dressed as Klaus Nomi]]
/ Teodor: Im Thuringen sagen sie…
/ [[Subtitle: They have a saying in Thuringen…]] / [[Teodor in front of statue]]
/ Teodor: Hunde mögen nicht Frucht…
/ [[Subtitle: Do... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09112006 |
| Achewood - September 11, 2006 | [[Title: HEUTE AUF DEUTSCH.]]
/ Ray: Ich habe Gesellschaft!
/ {{literally, "I have society"} / [[Statue of Teodor dressed as Klaus Nomi]]
/ Teodor: Im Thuringen sagen sie…
/ [[Subtitle: They have a saying in Thuringen…]] / [[Teodor in front of statue]]
/ Teodor: Hunde mögen nicht Frucht…
/ [[Subtitle: Do... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09112006 |
| Achewood - September 11, 2008 | [[Ray is in bed, smiling like he did when he got hit between the eyes with a baseball. Beef stands over him, concerned.]]
/ Beef: I get the thing that you were tryin' to do with Tina man / Ray: Spill, Beef. A brother is tore up on toxic shock syndrome and rockin' a Schedule III Sodium Pentothal* in his... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09112008 |
| Achewood - September 12, 2002 | [[Roast Beef and Ray walk into a bar that's been decorated to look like Cheers.]]
/ Ray: Look, Beef! I made everything just like Cheers! / [[Teodor is behind the bar - he winks and points his finger.]]
/ Ray: Teodor is like Sam, all cool and smooth...
/ Teodor: What'll it be, Beef? / [[Mr. Bear raises... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09122002 |
| Achewood - September 12, 2002 | [[Roast Beef and Ray walk into a bar; Ray has his right arm over Beef's left shoulder. Teodor is behind the bar, wearing a slicked-back black toupee and collared shirt. A banner above him says "Cheers."]]
/ Ray: Look, Beef! I made everything just like Cheers! / [[Teodor is behind the bar - he winks and... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09122002 |
| Achewood - September 12, 2002 | [[Roast Beef and Ray walk into a bar that's been decorated to look like Cheers.]]
/ Ray: Look, Beef! I made everything just like Cheers! / [[Téodor is behind the bar - he winks and points his finger.]]
/ Ray: Téodor is like Sam, all cool and smooth...
/ Téodor: What'll it be, Beef? / [[Mr. Bear... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09122002 |
| Hot Lunches | [[Ray is on the phone]]
/ Ray: Yes, this is Mr. Smuckles. I understand there's been a disturbance in my home?
/ Ray: Ah-ha, I see. But no trace of vandalism? / Ray: Very good. Well, you may dismiss your guard. I'll be home shortly.
/ Ray: No, thank YOU Carrie!! / [[SOON]]
/ Ray: So let me get this straight:
/ Ray:... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09122003 |
| Achewood - September 12, 2005 | [[Ray is reading Maxim.]]
/ Ray: Well I'll be! Says here that George Clooney is learnin' Coptic!
/ Ray: Daaamn! / Ray: Hello, CafePress? I need to have a shirt made. I want it to be white and say certain information about George Clooney--
/ Ray: Oh, use your website? Yeah, I'll just use your website.... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09122005 |
| Achewood - September 12, 2007 | Cornelius Bear Thought Patters and Processes
/ ->
/ Yaaawn! (Am I the only fellow who effects a proper double-armed yawn upon waking anymore?)
/ ->
/ HM. Four hours 'til I open the pub. What to do?
/ -> {{A/B}} / {{A}}
/ Grind out new romance novel
/ -> Theme? ->
/ A man named Derek comes to crave a woman... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09122007 |
| It's a Fuck You Friday! 09/12/2008 | IT'S A FUCK YOU FRIDAY / [[Ray, at a fast-food counter, looks at his plate with one eyebrow raised.]]
/ Ray: Woah, you guys buy your tortilla chips at the damn [i]store?[/i] What kind of candy assed taqueria is this, anyway?
/ Server: [i]Chupa mi pene, cabron.[/i] / [[Pat stands at his doorway, speaking... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09122008 |
| It's a Fuck You Friday! 09/12/2008 | IT'S A FUCK YOU FRIDAY / [[Ray, at a fast-food counter, looks at his plate with one eyebrow raised.]]
/ Ray: Woah, you guys buy your tortilla chips at the damn [i]store?[/i] What kind of candy assed taqueria is this, anyway?
/ Server: [i]Chupa mi pene, cabron.[/i] / [[Pat stands at his doorway, speaking... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09122008 |
| Beef gets bent | [[Roast Beef and Ray stand at a bar tended by Philippe, who is wearing a strange wig.]]
/ Beef: You...you did all this for me Ray? / Ray: That's right, Beef! And after we have some drinks we all goin' out for pepperoni pizza! / Beef: Man I would love a pepperoni pizza All hot and crispy as the Dickens... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09132002 |
| Achewood - September 13, 2004 | [Roast beef is on the phone in his darkened room. We only hear his side of the dialog.]
/ Roast Beef: Johnny Cash traded his knuckles in for dirt exactly a year ago dogg can you believe it / Roast Beef: Yeah I tried to do a thing or two / Roast Beef: Well like I was gonna wear all black but all I could... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09132004 |
| Achewood - September 13, 2005 | [[Ray and Roast Beef are walking]] / Roast Beef: Dude so like listen uh I got plans tomorrow so can you use a free ticket to Cartilage Head / Ray: Damn. Cartilage Head, huh. I really wasn't ready for that this week. / Beef: I know but serious you can't get these tickets open-market
/ Ray: I know. / Ray:... http://achewood.com/?date=09132005 |
| Achewood - September 13, 2005 | Roast Beef: Dude so like listen uh I got plans tomorrow so can you use a ticket to Cartilage Head / Ray: Damn. Cartilage Head, huh. I really wasn't ready for that this week. / Roast Beef: I know but serious you can't get these tickets open-market
/ Ray: I know. / Ray: Jeez, man. Alright. Yeah. Yeah,... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09132005 |
| Cartilage Head | [[Scene: Ray and Roast Beef. Roast Beef is wearing a shirt and tie.]]
/ Roast Beef: Dude so like listen uh I got plans tomorrow so can you use a ticket to Cartilage Head / Ray: Damn. Cartilage Head, huh. I really wasn't ready for that this week. / Roast Beef: I know but serious you can't get these tickets... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09132005 |
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