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| Achewood - August 27, 2007 - Lyle in Traffic Court | Judge: Lyle Gabriel, this police report states that you made an illegal U-turn on the 1500 block of Elm Street. Mr. Gabriel, how do you plead? / Lyle: Not guilty, your Honor. I was just tryin' to hang a Larry when all of a sudden my...my arm got caught in the steerin' wheel. I never meant to flip a... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08272007 |
| Achewood - August 27, 2008 | [[Ray thinking to himself. His arms are crossed. He looks pretty down. He is holding a phone.]]
/ Ray: Man, this ain't workin'. I was born horny, loved Playboy since I was three, and need more than I'm gettin'. I got to call a sex line and make today happen. / [[With a book open in front of him. Furiously... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08272008 |
| Achewood - August 27, 2008 | [[Ray thinking to himself. His arms are crossed. He looks pretty down. He is holding a phone.]]
/ Ray: Man, this ain't workin'. I was born horny, loved Playboy since I was three, and need more than I'm gettin'. I got to call a sex line and make today happen. / [[With a book open in front of him. Furiously... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08272008 |
| The Dumbwaiter Redux | Todd: How c-c-come this dumbwaiter has controls on the frikkin' inside? / Roast Beef: Oh uh Ray uses it as an elevator when he's feelin' cranky and doesn't want to use the stairs / Todd: Wow! His own elevator! That frikkin R-R-Rules!
/ Roast Beef: Man when we were kids we used to play make believe for... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08282003 |
| Achewood - August 28, 2006 | [[Téodor is on the phone, holding a notepad and rolled up construction plans under his arm.]]
/ Téodor: Ray! Want to help me convert an old diesel car to run on used restaurant oil? / [[Ray is leaning into his computer monitor with the phone to his ear, looking unimpressed. A wine glass sits on his desk.]]
/ Ray:... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08282006 |
| The Unwilling Voyeur | Mr. Bear: My heavens, Roast Beef! What an unthinkable predicament!
/ Lyle: KILL THE LIGHT! / Roast Beef: Oh it wasn't so bad I guess
/ Roast Beef: I mean Ray would do some pretty kinky stuff sometimes but I could always just close my eyes and cover my ears
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08292003 |
| Achewood - August 29, 2006 | [[Roast Beef is on the phone (it is not implied who he is talking to, Pat or Ray)]] / RB: Dogg we sayin' up hell of yo mama jokes in my place / RB: Yeah right no limits knuckles style exactly / [[Pat, Beef, and Ray are standing outside on the lawn hurling "Yo mama" jokes at each other. There is a... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08292006 |
| Téodor's Flowchart | The Téodor Orezscu Decision-Making Flowchart / 1) Wake Up!
/ -> 2
/ -> 9 / 2) Man I'm almost thirty why haven't I set up my room like Ferris Bueller's yet
/ It's impractical -> 3
/ Today's the day. Let's do it -> 6 / 3) When someone opens the door a hidden Polaroid could take their picture!
/ What if it... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08292007 |
| Achewood - August 30, 2004 | Newspaper: Oddly enough...
/ AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - Civic officials have installed speaking commodes in several downtown locations. The "talking toilets" broadcast public service announcements, top news stories, and paid advertisements.
/ So far the experiment has been well-recieved by locals and tourists... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08302004 |
| Achewood - August 30, 2004 | Newspaper: Oddly enough...
/ AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - Civic officials have installed speaking commodes in several downtown locations. The "talking toilets" broadcast public service announcements, top news stories, and paid advertisements.
/ So far the experiment has been well-recieved by locals and tourists... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08302004 |
| Achewood - August 30, 2004 | Newspaper: Oddly enough...
/ AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - Civic officials have installed speaking commodes in several downtown locations. The "talking toilets" broadcast public service announcements, top news stories, and paid advertisements.
/ So far the experiment has been well-recieved by locals and tourists... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08302004 |
| Achewood - August 30, 2004 | Newspaper: Oddly enough...
/ AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - Civic officials have installed speaking commodes in several downtown locations. The "talking toilets" broadcast public service announcements, top news stories, and paid advertisements.
/ So far the experiment has been well-recieved by locals and tourists... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08302004 |
| Achewood - August 30, 2005 | [[Roast Beef and Ray walking]]
/ Roast Beef: Hey uh listen Ray I got to drive to downtown San Francisco and pick some stuff for Molly
/ Ray: Downtown, huh. Daylight?
/ Roast Beef: Yeah man uh you got any hulls
/ Ray: Yeh, yeah, of course. I think I got my best ones out on loan though. Here, let's take... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08302005 |
| Achewood - August 30, 2005 | [[Roast Beef and Ray (with socks on) walking]]
/ Roast Beef: Hey uh listen Ray I got to drive to downtown San Francisco and pick some stuff for Molly / Ray: Downtown, huh. Daylight?
/ Roast Beef: Yeah man uh you got any hulls / [[Ray removing socks]]
/ Ray: Yeah, yeah, of course. I think I got my... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08302005 |
| Achewood - August 30, 2007 | a bit of... Nice Pete / WELL MY GOODNESS, A FINE CHERRY PIE
/ WHAT A DELICIOUS DISH / start. / CONSIDER THE PIE / YES / IS IT HONEST-COOKED, WITH A TENDER CRUST AND FIRM FILLING? HAS IT BEEN WELL MOISTENED WITH NATURAL JUICES AND GOOD COUNTRY SUGAR? / YES / MMM. MOM-MOM NEVER COOKED A PIE LIKE... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08302007 |
| Achewood - August 31, 2004 | [[Ray reads a magazine]]
/ Ray: Oh, snap! Bensington Butters just signed KC 185-Loot! I was all hyped to land them on Prime Time! DAMN him! / Waterbury: Bensington Butters, sir? I regret I--
/ Ray: Look, that's Butters, on the left. Look how proud he is of his eyes. / Ray: Did you know that he has it... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08312004 |
| Achewood - August 31, 2005 | Teodor: Check it out, Pat got a new bumper sticker. / Roast Beef: Dang man how can you tell / Teodor: It's the... isn't... didn't he used to... by the one with the...?
/ Roast Beef: Naw man looks pretty usual to me / HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS AND I'LL BACK INTO YOU
/ NADER
/ IF THIS CAR'S A-ROCKIN, THEN... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08312005 |
| Achewood - August 31, 2006 | [[GREAT MOMENTS IN CINEMA PRESENTS "ERASERHEAD"
/ Brought to you by Roomba! the robotic floor vac]] / [[Roast Beef standing on Roomba with shirt and tie, looking serious]] / Roast Beef: Alright go man do it / [[Téodor at light switch]]
/ Téodor: You're ready? / Roast Beef: Yes man yes just do it / [[Téodor... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08312006 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08312009">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08312009 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - September 1, 2004 | [[Roast Beef and Molly in bed]]
/ Roast Beef: Dang lady why you pushin on me / Molly: You were snoring so loud I thought you were going to suck the top of your head down your throat! / Roast Beef: Well I would have stopped snoring in that case and plus I would not have been pushed
/ Molly: It can't be... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09012004 |
| Achewood - September 1, 2005 | Harry Potter and the Difference Between Alternating Current and Direct Current
/ R. Beef Kazenzakis / Roast Beef: I mean it's just going to turn out to be a pretty short book is all Well of course I am writing to my strengths / Roast Beef: Yeah I know you let me choose my own topic you ain't got to... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09012005 |
| Achewood - September 1, 2005 | Harry Potter and the Difference Between Alternating Current and Direct Current
/ R. Beef Kazenzakis / Roast Beef: I mean it's just going to turn out to be a pretty short book is all Well of course I am writing to my strengths / Roast Beef: Yeah I know you let me choose my own topic you ain't got to... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09012005 |
| Achewood - September 1, 2006 | [[GREAT MOMENTS IN CINEMA PRESENTS "PUMP UP THE VOLUME"
/ Brought to you by Roomba! the robotic floor vac]] / [[Roast Beef with headset and microphone looking intense]]
/ Roast Beef: Screw you, parents! I'm gonna say a five-pound cuss on ham radio and rent a P.O. Box! / Roast Beef: Talk hard! Say opinions!... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09012006 |
| Beef the Cocaine Genius | [[DIARY STRIP: CORNELIUS BEAR, SEPTEMBER 2, 2003]]
/ Mr. Bear: I sat in the dark of the dumbwaiter, with everyone else, waiting for the police to leave. / Mr. Bear: Roast Beef and Lyle struck up a conversation in the stuffy, crowded blackness.
/ Roast Beef: Have you ever done cocaine Lyle / Lyle: That... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09022003 |
| Beef the Cocaine Genius | [[DIARY STRIP: CORNELIUS BEAR, SEPTEMBER 2, 2003]]
/ Mr. Bear: I sat in the dark of the dumbwaiter, with everyone else, waiting for the police to leave. / Mr. Bear: Roast Beef and Lyle struck up a conversation in the stuffy, crowded blackness.
/ Roast Beef: Have you ever done cocaine Lyle / Lyle: That... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09022003 |
| Achewood - September 2, 2004 | [[Roast Beef and Molly brushing their teeth]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09022004 |
| Achewood - September 2, 2005 | Ray: It recently came to our attention that Achewood is not handicap-accessible!
/ Ray: We were like "WHAT say WHAT?! Hold on, nigga!" / [[Ray, holding a martini, jumps over a wheelchair to which is attached a ball and chain.]]
/ Ray: DAAAAAAMN! / [[Ray has landed in front of a sort of platform with... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09022005 |
| Achewood - September 2, 2005 | Ray: It recently came to our attention that Achewood is not handicap-accessible!
/ Ray: We were like "WHAT say WHAT?! Hold on, nigga!" / [[Ray, holding a martini, jumps over a wheelchair to which is attached a ball and chain.]]
/ Ray: DAAAAAAMN! / [[Ray has landed in front of a sort of platform with... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09022005 |
| Achewood § September 2, 2008 | Ray: Alright, so I'll write a monthly column about men's groomin' tips for our magazine.
/ Tina: Paul Mitchell product placement. Good. / Ray: Actually, I was thinkin' more old school know-how. Like, how to properly clean your belly button. Who ever really got taught?
/ Tina: Huh! How DO you clean... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09022008 |
| The Taint is often called the Impossible Mile | Lyle: This is getting FUCKING BORING! / Roast Beef: Hey I got an idea
/ Roast Beef: Why don't we reminisce on things of our childhood / / Roast Beef: I'll get the ball rolling / Roast Beef: Do you remember such things as hearing that a girl stuffed her bra / Roast Beef: Or arguing what a queef was... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09032003 |
| Achewood - September 3, 2004 | Waterbury: Mr. Smuckles, a very large check has arrived from BabyBling.com. Is this in order? / [[Ray eating]]
/ Ray: Oh, yeah, that's one of my investments. Go ahead and deposit it.
/ Waterbury: A most intriguing name. May I ask what it is they offer, sir? / Ray: Oh, you know. Everything the kicked... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09032004 |
| Achewood § September 3, 2008 | TODAY'S ACHEWOOD IS HERE:
/ MYSPACE.COM/DARKHORSEPRESENTS
/ 8 FULL COLOR PAGES
/ ISSUE #14, SEPTEMBER 2008
/ [Two yellow lighters flank the bottom of the panel, the right one lit.] / Teodor: It... can't explode.
/ It's... not a bomb. / Ray: Not only do I not have to tell you my secret recipe, but I also... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09032008 |
| Achewood § September 3, 2009 | [[The center of the Wheel of Samsara is seen. The needle at the center of the wheel continues to sweep around the innermost circle, passing by "WOUNDED BY PARENT".]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09032009 |
| Mark Twain and James Bond | [[BACK WITH MARK TWAIN]]
/ Mark Twain: This James Bond, an English spy and bon vivant, seems to be the preeminent entertainer of their time.
/ Ray: Oh, yeah. James Bond is the 'mackinest. / Ray: Heh! There was even this one movie where James Bond went to the moon and got his Sperm on! / Mark Twain: Ray's... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09042003 |
| Achewood - September 4, 2007 | [[Teodor sits at his computer. The title "Harry Potter - FOUR YEARS LATER -" is shown over his head]]
/ Teodor: All right, I'll take a crack at it. / Teodor: {{typing}} Harry sat on the edge of the diving board, intently tracing circles in the deep end with his toe. Had it all been a dream?
/ < |
| Achewood § September 4, 2009 | {{title: Roast Beef Takes a Gamble}} / [[A door with an exit sign.]] / [[Roast Beef looks at the door while holding the crowbar still wedged into the non-operating gears of the Karmic Cycle]] / [[Roast Beef looks at the crowbar and the machinery.]] / [[Roast Beef pulls the crowbar out of the gears,... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09042009 |
| Achewood - September 5, 2006 | Philippe: Lie Bot, what's the saddest thing?
/ Lie Bot: Oh, wow. I'm not sure you're ready for this, kid. / Philippe: Sure I am! I've been practicing. / [[Lie Bot shrugs, as resigned as a robot can be]]
/ Lie Bot: Okay, okay. I'll tell you. / Lie Bot: The saddest thing is an old bag lady, freezing... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09052006 |
| Achewood - September 5, 2007 | [[Ray is on the phone, drink in hand.]]
/ Ray: Let's just say there's a cumshot at my house, and I didn't put it there.
/ [[pause]]
/ Well, yeah, I sort of want to know who did. / Ray: On the back of the couch. Unmistakable. About one foot up.
/ [[pause]]
/ I'm just sayin' it's rude, is all. In fact, it's... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09052007 |
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