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| Achewood - April 19, 2004 | Teodor: Donald Trump is a corny douchebag! I'm not afraid to say it.
/ Beef: Hush Teodor don't wake up that wino / Teodor: Aw, he's out cold - oh my god, It's Ray!
/ Beef: Holy Dickens and Delilah you're right
/ What in the jam / Teodor: Ray! RAY! Are you ok?! What happened to you? / Ray: [supine,... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04192004 |
| Achewood - April 19, 2004 | Teodor: Donald Trump is a corny douchebag! I'm not afraid to say it.
/ Beef: Hush Teodor don't wake up that wino / Teodor: Aw, he's out cold - oh my god, It's Ray!
/ Beef: Holy Dickens and Delilah you're right
/ What in the jam / Teodor: Ray! RAY! Are you ok?! What happened to you? / Ray: [supine,... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04192004 |
| Achewood - April 19, 2005 | Molly: So did you pick out a gift for them yet? / Roast Beef: Oh hee hee yeah I found all these funny onesies that would be humorous on a baby
/ Molly: Ooh! Show me! / [[Roast beef holds up a onesie reading: SO WHAT IF A TIT IS FOOD ...I AIN'T BUGGIN']] / [[Roast beef holds up a onesie reading: FUTURE... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04192005 |
| Achewood - April 19, 2005 | Molly: So did you pick out a gift for them yet? / Roast Beef: Oh hee hee yeah
/ Roast Beef: I found all these funny onesies that would be humorous on a baby
/ Molly: Ooh! Show me! / [[Roast beef holds up a onesie reading: SO WHAT IF A TIT IS FOOD ...I AIN'T BUGGIN']] / [[Roast beef holds up a onesie... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04192005 |
| Achewood - April 19, 2007 | [[VLAD: A NIGHT OF THE TIME IN THE MIND OF THE KING OF THE MAKE-OUTS]]
/ [[A flowchart of Vlad's decision making process follows]] / 1. ON?
/ 1.1. YES to 2
/ 1.2. NO back to 1
/ 2. AM I HARMINK A HUMAN?
/ 2.1. YES to 3
/ 3. _STOP IT._
/ 3.1. OK back to 2
/ 2.2. NO to 4
/ 2.3. yada yada to 5
/ 4. ANY ORDERS FROM... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04192007 |
| Achewood ? April 19, 2009 | Pat: What do you mean you're still in bed? It's ten thirty-eight in the morning! / Ray: Got to get my Lovely Twelve, hoss. That's just the way this one honest man plays the game.
/ Pat: That's disgusting. Sleeping that much has to be terrible for you. / Ray: Au contraire, talkin' Pat. Look at it this... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04192009 |
| The Hangover Ham | [[Ray is on a sidewalk in Germany, hungover, filthy and wearing a suit made of newspaper]]
/ Ray: So...uh...what you guys been up to?
/ Roast Beef: Why you wearin' a filthy suit made of newspapers Ray
/ Roast Beef: And why is there a small amount of carro tin your ear
/ Ray: Oh! Ha ha! An amount of carrot... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04202004 |
| The Story of Zell and Cory | [[Emeril, Téodor, and Roast Beef continue their search for Philippe.]]
/ Emeril: Alright I must quickly consult with Zell and Cory to se if they did come across Philippe. You both wait here. / [[Emeril leaves, Téodor and Roast beef remain]]
/ Téodor: Why can't we come with you? Emeril? I-hey! Whats the... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04202006 |
| Roast Beef's Tone Poem | TONE POEM / Roast Beef: I paid my taxes / Roast Beef: Somehow I paid more in taxes than actual functional people with marginal careers pay for a used Saturn / Roast Beef: Yet the taxes I paid / Roast Beef: will not even cover one-tenth of the installment costs of a new / Roast Beef: city storm drain / Roast... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04202009 |
| Achewood - April 21, 2004 | Beef: Come on now
/ Who's the idiot
/ Who is daddy's idiot / Ray: Lay off me, Beef! I got a headache the size of a 747 peeling out on my brain! / Beef: I'll make you some breakfast if you want
/ Some Sriracha chili pepper sauce spelling out your name on some Saltines / Beef: Oh my goodness whoops is... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04212004 |
| Achewood - April 21, 2004 | Beef: Come on now
/ Who's the idiot
/ Who is daddy's idiot / Ray: Lay off me, Beef! I got a headache the size of a 747 peeling out on my brain! / [[Beef holds plate]]
/ Beef: I'll make you some breakfast if you want
/ Some Sriracha chili pepper sauce spelling out your name on some Saltines / [[Plate... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04212004 |
| Achewood - April 21, 2005 | [[Roast Beef is sitting behind a counter as Ray enters from the left holding a black box in his hand.]]
/ Ray: Happy Birthday, Beef!
/ Roast Beef: Oh uh thank you but my birthday is not on this day / Ray: Yeah, but I know it's around now and I got this gift burnin' a hole in my pocket.
/ Roast Beef: Wow... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04212005 |
| Achewood - April 21, 2006 | [[Phillipe is wearing a paper hat and wielding a staff with his sheriff star on it. He looks somewhat angry.]] / Phillipe: Sheesh! You people are pretty disappointing! Not even ONE of you raised your hand! / [[Phillipe is standing nearby a fat man. He is laying down passed out with a bottle nearby]] / Phillipe:... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04212006 |
| Achewood - April 22, 2002 | [[Polaroids of Roast Beef and his music/dress tastes at various times in his life]] / [[Ray gives a gift-wrapped box to Roast Beef, Teodor and Pat are looking on]]
/ Ray: Roast Beef, me and the fellows chipped in and got you a little something for your birthday. / Roast Beef: What's this
/ Ray: It's... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04222002 |
| Achewood - April 22, 2002 | [[Polaroids of Roast Beef and his music/dress tastes at various times in his life]] / [[Ray gives a gift-wrapped box to Roast Beef, Teodor and Pat are looking on]]
/ Ray: Roast Beef, me and the fellows chipped in and got you a little something for your birthday. / Roast Beef: What's this
/ Ray: It's... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04222002 |
| Achewood - April 22, 2004 | Beef: Yeah well ain't it just rad that you had sex a bunch of times in high school / Ray: Yeah, it was! Whole lot better than learnin' to understand Spanish! / Beef: At least Spanish will serve me for the rest of my life
/ All you got from having sex in high school was having dunk oil on your backseat... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04222004 |
| Achewood - April 22, 2004 | Beef: Yeah well ain't it just rad that you had sex a bunch of times in high school / Ray: Yeah, it was! Whole lot better than learnin' to understand Spanish! / Beef: At least Spanish will serve me for the rest of my life
/ All you got from having sex in high school was having dunk oil on your backseat... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04222004 |
| Achewood - April 22, 2005 | "Kut-Me-Ups" / [[Photos of several Achewood characters, Left to Right: Roast beef grilling, Ray on Toilet, Teodor and Roast Beef on Roombas, Phillippe, Todd, Roast Beef with Emeril and Spongebath, Nice Pete as a Goth. Each image is surrounded by dotted lines for the purposes of cutting out.]] / Do... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04222005 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04222008">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04222008 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - April 23, 2002 | [[Teodor, dressed in shorts and a varsity sweater, glares offscreen as a basketball bounces in and lands in his arms.]]
/ Teodor: Lyle, did you just kick my basketball?
/ Lyle: Yeah, I did! And I LIKED it! / [[Teodor now confronts Lyle, who has his ubiquitous bottle of whiskey in hand.]]
/ Teodor: Don't... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04232002 |
| Achewood - April 23, 2003 | Todd: Hey Ray! H-H-How's business?
/ Ray: Pretty slow, Todd. / Todd: If ya don't have any customers right now, can you take me up? I got a couple bucks! / Ray: Well, yeah, but you won't be in the Mile High Club.
/ Todd: What?! Why not? / Ray: Well, first of all you got to have sexual relations! You... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04232003 |
| The Mile High Club | [[Todds van speeds by a sign reading:
/ Join the "Mile High" Club!
/ Private Cabin
/ Complimentary Moet
/ Your Pilot: Captain Ray Smuckles
/ $50/couple/half hour]] / [[Todd goes up to a counter, behind which stands Ray in an airline pilot uniform]]
/ Todd: Hey Ray! H-H-How's business?
/ Ray: Pretty slow, Todd. / Todd:... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04232003 |
| Leaving Germany | [[Ray in shower]]
/ Ray: aww yeah Vidal Sassoon do it to me one more time / Téodor: Ray! RAY! Can you hear me? / Ray: yeah! what's up? / Téodor: We're going to see Checkpoint Charlie and the Berlin Wall soon! If we have time, we're going to hit a couple cathedrals!
/ Ray (from shower): Count me out,... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04232004 |
| Achewood - April 23, 2007 | [[Interior, Ray's house. Ray is sitting in an easy chair, smoking a bong. He lights the bong and takes a long, slow hit.]]
/ << SFX: (bong hit) CHK-PFFFFFFP>> / [[Looking stoned, Ray sits back and relaxes as he slowly exhales, a long wisp of smoke rising from his lips.]] / [[Ray's eyebrows go up as... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04232007 |
| Achewood - April 23, 2008 | Great Moments in Cinema presents A Clockwork Orange brought to you by Roomba! The robotic floor vac / T?odor: I'm a naked boy and I'm going to drink milk... with drugs in it! Horrorshow! / Later...
/ T?odor: I bought some Beethoven LPs and now I'm going to kick all my friends in the bonch! / Roast... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04232008 |
| Achewood - April 23, 2008 | Great Moments in Cinema presents A Clockwork Orange brought to you by Roomba! The robotic floor vac / T?odor: I'm a naked boy and I'm going to drink milk... with drugs in it! Horrorshow! / Later...
/ T?odor: I bought some Beethoven LPs and now I'm going to kick all my friends in the bonch! / Roast... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04232008 |
| The Carcinoslippery Slope. | [[Roast Beef is setting at his computer, looking depressed]] / {{Dialog is Beef's thoughts without a thought balloon))
/ Can't move a finger to type
/ Barely just refreshin' sites / Maybe...
/ Maybe a cigarette to soothe me / No...
/ No...
/ Can't give in to that kick / [[Ray is here, holding a Zippo... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04232009 |
| Achewood - April 24, 2002 | [[Ray is knocking on a large door]]
/ Ray: Hey Lyle, you in there? Let's go get some suds! / [[Ray enters room through door]]
/ Ray: Whoah, when did they get a motorcycle? / [[Ray is working on climbing aboard the motorcycle]]
/ Ray: I wonder how you ride this thing. / [[Ray is sitting in an awkward... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04242002 |
| Achewood - April 24, 2002 | [[Ray is knocking on a large door]]
/ Ray: Hey Lyle, you in there? Let's go get some suds! / [[Ray enters room through door]]
/ Ray: Whoah, when did they get a motorcycle? / [[Ray is working on climbing aboard the motorcycle]]
/ Ray: I wonder how you ride this thing. / [[Ray is sitting in an awkward... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04242002 |
| Achewood - April 24, 2002 | [[Ray is knocking on a large door]]
/ Ray: Hey Lyle, you in there? Let's go get some suds! / [[Ray enters room through door]]
/ Ray: Whoah, when did they get a motorcycle? / [[Ray is working on climbing aboard the motorcycle]]
/ Ray: I wonder how you ride this thing. / [[Ray is sitting in an awkward... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04242002 |
| Achewood - April 24, 2003 | {{ Sandwich board sign reads, "join the Mile High Club!" Private Cabin. Complimentary Moet. Couples Only. $50/couple/half hour. }} / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04242003 |
| Achewood - April 24, 2006 | [[Phillipe, still at the landfill, is aproached by a friendly hobo.]]
/ Hobo: Yer'n a funny li'l feller, pip-squeak! Whats't yer name?
/ Phillipe: I'll tell you if you tell me where they take the old couches!
/ Hobo: Aw'll heck, couches'n cherss all go on the barge same as what. We'n sell 'em to China whar... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04242006 |
| Achewood - April 24, 2007 Beef's Baseball Conditions | Ray (on phone): Roast Beef! You got to join our all-stoned slow pitch softball team! / Roast Beef (on phone): Oh uh no thanks dogg I ain't like weed or or softball or teams on the balance / Ray: I know that! Don't act like I don't know that! You think I just fell off the not knowin' you boat yesterday? / RB:... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04242007 |
| Achewood - April 24, 2008 | Ray: [[on phone]] You said WHAT to Molly?
/ Ray: [[on phone]] Whoah. Not cool, Beef. / Ray: [[on phone]] Yeah, flowers go without sayin'. But seriously, dogg, you're in card territory. / [[AT THE STORE.]]
/ [[Roast Beef looking a greeting cards]] / Roast Beef: God what is with all these idiotic categories... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04242008 |
| Achewood - April 24, 2008 | Ray: [[on phone]] You said WHAT to Molly?
/ Ray: [[on phone]] Whoah. Not cool, Beef. / Ray: [[on phone]] Yeah, flowers go without sayin'. But seriously, dogg, you're in card territory. / [[AT THE STORE.]]
/ [[Roast Beef looking a greeting cards]] / Roast Beef: God what is with all these idiotic categories... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04242008 |
| Achewood - April 24, 2008 | Ray: [[on phone]] You said WHAT to Molly?
/ Ray: [[on phone]] Whoah. Not cool, Beef. / Ray: [[on phone]] Yeah, flowers go without sayin'. But seriously, dogg, you're in card territory. / [[AT THE STORE.]]
/ [[Roast Beef looking a greeting cards]] / Roast Beef: God what is with all these idiotic categories... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04242008 |
| Achewood - April 25, 2002 | [[Ray wearing a sombrero]]
/ ¡HOY EN ESPAÑOL! / [[Teodor holds a VCR, Lyle gesticulates with a bottle of unidentified brown liquor]]
/ Teodor: Lyle, dónde está nuestro VCR normal?
/ Lyle: Eso ES nuestro VCR normal! No me molesta! / [[Teodor looks irritated, Lyle appears to check the safety on a handgun]]
/ Teodor:... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04252002 |
| Achewood - April 25, 2003 | [[Philippe wakes up in his bed, stretches, and yawns.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04252003 |
| Achewood - April 25, 2003 | [[Philippe wakes up in his bed, stretches, and yawns.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04252003 |
| Lyle's Trannie Sex Gig | [[Lyle is sitting on the floor with a bottle of liquor, looking at a newspaper spread out on the floor. Todd enters with a can of beer in his hand.]]
/ Todd: Wassup, prick? / Lyle: Todd! Find me a job, asshole. / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04252005 |
| Emeril and Beef abandon Teodor | [[Roast Beef, Teodor, and Emeril are running.]]
/ Beef: Doggs I know we got to hurry but damn I mean reckless is no way to play it we got to-- / [[Roast Beef steps in dog shit.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04252006 |
| Emeril and Beef abandon Teodor | [[Roast Beef, Teodor, and Emeril are running.]]
/ Beef: Doggs I know we got to hurry but damn I mean reckless is no way to play it we got to-- / [[Roast Beef steps in dog shit.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04252006 |
| PLAAAAYYYY BAAAALLLLL | [[View of a softball field from right of home plate, showing Téodor at first base, Roast Beef in a plexiglass chamber with a large "ROAST BEEF" sign at second, Cornelius at the pitcher's mound, and Todd to his right, facing third. There are charcoal grills at the mound and every visible base.]]
/ Ray... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04252007 |
| PLAAAAYYYY BAAAALLLLL | [[View of a softball field from right of home plate, showing Téodor at first base, Roast Beef in a plexiglass chamber with a large "ROAST BEEF" sign at second, Cornelius at the pitcher's mound, and Todd to his right, facing third. There are charcoal grills at the mound and every visible base.]]
/ Ray... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04252007 |
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