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Achewood - August 27, 2008 [[Ray thinking to himself. His arms are crossed. He looks pretty down. He is holding a phone.]] / Ray: Man, this ain't workin'. I was born horny, loved Playboy since I was three, and need more than I'm gettin'. I got to call a sex line and make today happen. / [[With a book open in front of him. Furiously punching in numbers. Visibly sweating.]] / <> / <> / [[Phone to ear, laying down the law.]] / Ray: Yo. My name's Carlo... Fertezzi. I got the goods. NOW. / Phone: Oooh, Carlo Fertezzi/ I LOVE me that kind of name, baby. Where our sexy gonna be all at, Carlo Fertezzi? / [[Back turned to us, still laying down the law.]] / Ray: On the linoleum in the kitchen, like Eddie Van Halen! On the kitchen counter, like David Lee Roth! On a ski boat parked on white carpet in a garage in Arizona, like Sammy Hagar! We gonna do this up Rock and Roll Smithsonian! / [[Tina in bed with a glass of wine, phone held to her ear. Looks surprised. Pillow next to her with "Diva" on it. Thinking to herself.]] / Tina: It's... It's my chubby knight! He's back in your life, girl! This is a sign! / [[Same setting]] / Tina: Oh, Ray. I loved that time on my birthday when you had that fancy boat put special in the garage. / [[Tina with hand to her mouth, anxious, excited.]] / [[Ray looks stunned.]] / [[Ray looks kind of worried.]] / [[Tina still with hand to mouth, looks a bit worried now.]] / [[Ray looks ashamed. Head bowed]] / [[Ray raises his head.]] / [[Ray goes to speak.]] / [[He speaks:]] / Ray: Yo, Tina. Guess there ain't no use pretendin' this ain't me. How you been girl. / [[Tina's room again.]] / Tina: I been missin' you, Ray. Did you know that I got an MBA? I did that just for you, baby. / [[Ray. he looks happy.]] / Ray: An MBA? For reals? / Tina: Aw, it's just a little one from the local college, but maybe I could get a better one, if I had you by my side. / [[Ray, flicks his wrist up to check his watch - he isn't wearing one.]] / Ray: Damn, girl! You finally gettin' serious about doin' visual merchandisin' for The Body Shop? Tell you what, let's meet for a power cosmo down at Napoleon's. Catch up. / {{Is Ray about to pen an original track titled, Lovephoenix?}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08272008
Achewood - August 27, 2008 [[Ray thinking to himself. His arms are crossed. He looks pretty down. He is holding a phone.]] / Ray: Man, this ain't workin'. I was born horny, loved Playboy since I was three, and need more than I'm gettin'. I got to call a sex line and make today happen. / [[With a book open in front of him. Furiously punching in numbers. Visibly sweating.]] / <> / <> / [[Phone to ear, laying down the law.]] / Ray: Yo. My name's Carlo... Fertezzi. I got the goods. NOW. / Phone: Oooh, Carlo Fertezzi/ I LOVE me that kind of name, baby. Where our sexy gonna be all at, Carlo Fertezzi? / [[Back turned to us, still laying down the law.]] / Ray: On the linoleum in the kitchen, like Eddie Van Halen! On the kitchen counter, like David Lee Roth! On a ski boat parked on white carpet in a garage in Arizona, like Sammy Hagar! We gonna do this up Rock and Roll Smithsonian! / [[Tina in bed with a glass of wine, phone held to her ear. Looks surprised. Pillow next to her with "Diva" on it. Thinking to herself.]] / Tina: It's... It's my chubby knight! He's back in your life, girl! This is a sign! / [[Same setting]] / Tina: Oh, Ray. I loved that time on my birthday when you had that fancy boat put special in the garage. / [[Tina with hand to her mouth, anxious, excited.]] / [[Ray looks stunned.]] / [[Ray looks kind of worried.]] / [[Tina still with hand to mouth, looks a bit worried now.]] / [[Ray looks ashamed. Head bowed]] / [[Ray raises his head.]] / [[Ray goes to speak.]] / [[He speaks:]] / Ray: Yo, Tina. Guess there ain't no use pretendin' this ain't me. How you been girl. / [[Tina's room again.]] / Tina: I been missin' you, Ray. Did you know that I got an MBA? I did that just for you, baby. / [[Ray. he looks happy.]] / Ray: An MBA? For reals? / Tina: Aw, it's just a little one from the local college, but maybe I could get a better one, if I had you by my side. / [[Ray, flicks his wrist up to check his watch - he isn't wearing one.]] / Ray: Damn, girl! You finally gettin' serious about doin' visual merchandisin' for The Body Shop? Tell you what, let's meet for a power cosmo down at Napoleon's. Catch up. / {{Is Ray about to pen an original track titled, Lovephoenix?}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08272008
The Dumbwaiter Redux Todd: How c-c-come this dumbwaiter has controls on the frikkin' inside? / Roast Beef: Oh uh Ray uses it as an elevator when he's feelin' cranky and doesn't want to use the stairs / Todd: Wow! His own elevator! That frikkin R-R-Rules! / Roast Beef: Man when we were kids we used to play make believe for hours in here / Lyle: KILL THE LIGHT! / Roast Beef: Ray would pretend he was Mel Gibson and jump out of it and hit me with a bat / <> / Roast Beef: Or like I would pretend I was a bag of garbage and he would lower me to the basement / Roast Beef: I guess I am kind of ashamed of this but he also let me watch some of his early sex havin' from in here / Roast Beef: I mean technically he locked me in here and MADE me watch but whatever you know I wasn't really busy / {{alt text: additionally Ray would hit Beef on the head a lot}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08282003
Achewood - August 28, 2006 [[Téodor is on the phone, holding a notepad and rolled up construction plans under his arm.]] / Téodor: Ray! Want to help me convert an old diesel car to run on used restaurant oil? / [[Ray is leaning into his computer monitor with the phone to his ear, looking unimpressed. A wine glass sits on his desk.]] / Ray: You have reached Raymond Smuckles. I regret that for personal reasons I must not ride in a car that smells like Awesome Blossoms. Please leave a message. / Téodor: Seriously, the kits are really cheap! I think I'm onto something big. Think how lucrative the alternative fuel market is going to be. It's literally there for the taking. Let's get our hands dirty and learn the industry from the inside out! / Ray: Dirty hands? Kits? Clubfoot? What? / Téodor: Imagine being in on the ground floor of the next chapter in fuel history! You'd be a robber baron! The next Rockefeller! / [[Téodor listens, patiently awaiting Ray's response.]] / [[Téodor looks surprised.]] / Téodor (thinking): My god, maybe he's actually thinking about it! I think I tipped him! AND he's got enough juice to make it happen! / [[Ray holds the phone with his shoulder and reaches for the wine glass, still looking bored.]] / Ray: Man you find a car that runs on "bio-filtered" Ravenswood zinfandel comin' directly outta my catheter, and then we are having this conversation. Zero-emissions car, zero-emissions man. Think big.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08282006
The Unwilling Voyeur Mr. Bear: My heavens, Roast Beef! What an unthinkable predicament! / Lyle: KILL THE LIGHT! / Roast Beef: Oh it wasn't so bad I guess / Roast Beef: I mean Ray would do some pretty kinky stuff sometimes but I could always just close my eyes and cover my ears / <> / / Todd: What k-k-kinda stuff did he do? / Vlad: Yes, Beef. What were you seeink? / Lyle: Yeah, what didja see? / Roast Beef: Well / Roast Beef: One time he and this girl Melissa were gonna Do It / Roast Beef: But Ray refused to put out his cigarette 'cause it was kind of an expensive brand / Roast Beef: So he put an ashtray on her back and went about his business / Todd: Whoah! / Vlad: Is SO nasty! / Roast Beef: Then just as he 'maxed he took a big drag and spelled his name out in smoke / {{alt text: it was in cursive of course}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08292003
Achewood - August 29, 2006 [[Roast Beef is on the phone (it is not implied who he is talking to, Pat or Ray)]] / RB: Dogg we sayin' up hell of yo mama jokes in my place / RB: Yeah right no limits knuckles style exactly / [[Pat, Beef, and Ray are standing outside on the lawn hurling "Yo mama" jokes at each other. There is a grill cooking three hot dogs.]] / Pat: Yo mama smokes so much meth, the put the tooth fairy up at the Radisson! / RB: Yo mama was so small and deformed, in the school play she was a potato with a hearing aid! / Ray: Yo mama so crass, she smokes a cigar and eats shrimp cocktail on the bus! / RB: Yo mama s ugly, she tucks her bridge toll into her harelip! / Pat: Yo mama so primitive, after she uses the bathroom her hind legs scrape at the floor! / Ray: Yo mama so grouchy, she slaps the doorknob before she turns it! / RB: Yo mama got such a thick beard, you catch her and the bitch says where the treasure is hidden! / Ray: Yo mama's on the no fly list 'cause she got two hook feet and the croup! / Pat: yo mama so greedy, she won't pee. / Ray: Yo mama's so poor, Somalia sent her a cup of water with plastic wrap over the top! / Pat: Yo mama got such bad breath, dogs get calories by huffin' her mouth! / RB: Yo mama got such long buck teeth, she can cut her food while noddin' and lookin' you in the eye! / {{alt text: Is it a Fuck You Friday? I think Pat stole my glasses and I can't find my notes.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08292006
 
Téodor's Flowchart The Téodor Orezscu Decision-Making Flowchart / 1) Wake Up! / -> 2 / -> 9 / 2) Man I'm almost thirty why haven't I set up my room like Ferris Bueller's yet / It's impractical -> 3 / Today's the day. Let's do it -> 6 / 3) When someone opens the door a hidden Polaroid could take their picture! / What if it was just you again -> 4 / 4) Hm. That would waste like a dollar in film. / That's why Ferris Bueller was just a movie -> 5 / 5) If Ferris Bueller is my generation's James Bond, then Kid Rock is our Sinatra. / Rome didn't fall in a day -> black box / 6) Okay what does my room need to be set up to accomplish / 1 Ideally a girl would come in here and not sit on a staph infection while subconsciously falling for my incredibly hip style -> 12 / 2 A hamper would improve things -> 7 / 7) Yeah but cooler than that / It would smell better if you opened a window once in a blue moon -> 8 / 8) The window could be on a remote control! / Whatever, "Ferris." -> black box / 9) I should open a restaurant. I love to cook, it just makes sense. / Funny I hadn't pegged you as the main financial suicide person in this area -> 10 / 10) Come on! Put food on the plate, collect the money. / The city wants $122,536 in back taxes because the previous tenant declared this property an elementary school. -> 11 / 11) Not a classy industry, is it? / It ranks slightly behind three-card monty but two spots ahead of straight daytime flashing -> black box / 12) I could organize all my LPs along a shelf and that would show some old-school class / Hm I thought I had more than seven LPs -> 13 / 13) Whoah! "Legend of Sleepy Hollow"! / Oh man I haven't heard this in ages / I wonder if having this album as a kid is why I like goth chicks -> 14 / 14) [[Idea lightbulb]] / If I liked this album then they liked this album so I had better leave it lying around. / [[Poster of Robert Smith]] / Caption: Either way, I should probably take this poster off the ceiling above the bed. / [[black box]] / = Evaporation of gumption, reads cookbooks until 3'oclock / {{alt-text: Téodor desires mope-ass chicks with Flat Eric tattoos}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08292007
Achewood - August 30, 2004 Newspaper: Oddly enough... / AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - Civic officials have installed speaking commodes in several downtown locations. The "talking toilets" broadcast public service announcements, top news stories, and paid advertisements. / So far the experiment has been well-recieved by locals and tourists alike. Visitor Danny Sims, 23, / Phillippe: Oh boy! What a fun idea! / [[Cornelius on toilet, reading]] / Caption: SOON. / [[Phillippe is behind the toilet]] / Phillippe: Hello! I am the toilet! / Cornelius: Great Scott! / Phillippe: Nobody should smoke! / Cornelius: Philippe! Get out of here! My heavens! / Philippe: There is a sale on Cadillacs!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08302004
Achewood - August 30, 2004 Newspaper: Oddly enough... / AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - Civic officials have installed speaking commodes in several downtown locations. The "talking toilets" broadcast public service announcements, top news stories, and paid advertisements. / So far the experiment has been well-recieved by locals and tourists alike. Visitor Danny Sims, 23, / Phillippe: Oh boy! What a fun idea! / [[Cornelius on toilet, reading]] / Caption: SOON. / [[Phillippe is behind the toilet]] / Phillippe: Hello! I am the toilet! / Cornelius: Great Scott! / Phillippe: Nobody should smoke! / Cornelius: Philippe! Get out of here! My heavens! / Philippe: There is a sale on Cadillacs!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08302004
Achewood - August 30, 2004 Newspaper: Oddly enough... / AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - Civic officials have installed speaking commodes in several downtown locations. The "talking toilets" broadcast public service announcements, top news stories, and paid advertisements. / So far the experiment has been well-recieved by locals and tourists alike. Visitor Danny Sims, 23, / Phillippe: Oh boy! What a fun idea! / [[Cornelius on toilet, reading]] / Caption: SOON. / [[Phillippe is behind the toilet]] / Phillippe: Hello! I am the toilet! / Cornelius: Great Scott! / Phillippe: Nobody should smoke! / Cornelius: Philippe! Get out of here! My heavens! / Philippe: There is a sale on Cadillacs!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08302004
Achewood - August 30, 2004 Newspaper: Oddly enough... / AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - Civic officials have installed speaking commodes in several downtown locations. The "talking toilets" broadcast public service announcements, top news stories, and paid advertisements. / So far the experiment has been well-recieved by locals and tourists alike. Visitor Danny Sims, 23, / Phillippe: Oh boy! What a fun idea! / [[Cornelius on toilet, reading]] / Caption: SOON. / [[Phillippe is behind the toilet]] / Phillippe: Hello! I am the toilet! / Cornelius: Great Scott! / Phillippe: Nobody should smoke! / Cornelius: Philippe! Get out of here! My heavens! / Philippe: There is a sale on Cadillacs!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08302004
Achewood - August 30, 2005 [[Roast Beef and Ray walking]] / Roast Beef: Hey uh listen Ray I got to drive to downtown San Francisco and pick some stuff for Molly / Ray: Downtown, huh. Daylight? / Roast Beef: Yeah man uh you got any hulls / Ray: Yeh, yeah, of course. I think I got my best ones out on loan though. Here, let's take a look. / Roast Beef: Cool thanks / Ray: Well, he ain much to look at but he's yours. / Roast Beef: Yikes man / [[Ray hands Roast Beef the head and jacket.]] / Panel Text: Soon. / [[Roast Beef is wearing the head and jacket.]] / Ray: Got the harness on right? You breathe okay? / Roast Beef: Think so / Ray: Alright, man. Just play it safe, you know? / Roast Beef: Don't you lecture me _cracker_ / {{There is no NSTL to downtown SF because of the complex subterranean human public works}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08302005
Achewood - August 30, 2005 [[Roast Beef and Ray (with socks on) walking]] / Roast Beef: Hey uh listen Ray I got to drive to downtown San Francisco and pick some stuff for Molly / Ray: Downtown, huh. Daylight? / Roast Beef: Yeah man uh you got any hulls / [[Ray removing socks]] / Ray: Yeah, yeah, of course. I think I got my best ones out on loan though. / Ray: Here, let's take a look. / [[Beef and Ray exit house]] / Roast Beef: Cool thanks / [[Ray picks up hull: a shell shaped like the upper body of a bearded, dreadlocked man in a jacket]] / Ray: Well, he ain much to look at but he's yours. / Roast Beef: Yikes man / {{Panel Text: Soon.}} / [[Roast Beef is wearing the hull]] / Ray: Got the harness on right? You breathe okay? / Roast Beef: Think so / [[Beef, still in hull, now sits in driver's seat of car, while Ray stands outside talking to him]] / Ray: Alright, man. Just play it safe, you know? / Roast Beef: Don't you lecture me cracker / {{alttext: There is no NSTL to downtown SF because of the complex subterranean human public works}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08302005
Achewood - August 30, 2007 a bit of... Nice Pete / WELL MY GOODNESS, A FINE CHERRY PIE / WHAT A DELICIOUS DISH / start. / CONSIDER THE PIE / YES / IS IT HONEST-COOKED, WITH A TENDER CRUST AND FIRM FILLING? HAS IT BEEN WELL MOISTENED WITH NATURAL JUICES AND GOOD COUNTRY SUGAR? / YES / MMM. MOM-MOM NEVER COOKED A PIE LIKE THIS / OH MY WORD I HAVE SINNED IN THOUGHT AGAINST MOTHER / ? WHY IS THIS PIE OUT ALONE IN THE FOREST ANYHOW / ! [PICK THE PIE APART WITH A HUNTING KNIFE] / GOOD GOD IT IS RASMUS CAKE WITH JENNYWATER! THERE MUST BE A CHEMUS WITCH NEARBY! / RETCH THE FOUL CAKE WITH A GREAT GULP OF LENOX'S SHIVER-SALTS / OH LORD MY BOX OF SHIVER-SALTS IS EMPTY MUST RUN TO NEAREST DRUGGIST / WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF SHIVER-SALTS WHAT DO YOU DO IN THE CLUTCHES OF A CHEMUS WITCH THEN GOD DAMN YOU! / [[Nice Pete:]] GOD DAMN YOU! / hm still breathing better go drown him down in Texture Creek / Oh how he thrashes in the cold cold water of Texture Creek / MY GOODNESS IS THAT ANOTHER CHERRY PIE ON THAT STONE THERE / SO... / CUDGEL THE CAKE AND COVER IT WITH FRESH-DRESSED ENTRAILS / ALL I CAN FIND IS THIS PARSON'S MOUSE BUT NO TIME TO BE PICKY / THE WITCH IS MAKING MY HANDS SHAKE AND DANCE / PHEW THERE IT'S DRESSED WITH THE SIX ENTRAILS . . . BRAIN, HEART, KIDNEY, LIVER, LUNGS, STOMACH. THE CHEMUS WITCH SHALL HAVE NO CLAIM OVER MY MIND NOR CAUSE ME CHILBLAINS. / NO / UNFORTUNATELY, I CANNOT CONSIDER THIS PIE DUE TO CARES / A CARE / DO I NEED A TUXEDO FOR THIS UPCOMING WEDDING? I DESPAIR OF THE "TAILOR'S PAUSE" AS I PROVE MYSELF IGNORANT OF HIS HIGH TRADE / ANOTHER CARE / GOODNESS WHAT IF I AM NOT INVITED BECAUSE I AM OF LOW WAYS / OH WHAT A FOOL I WILL BE / A FOOL IN HIS TUXEDO OF SHAME / STANDING AT THE CHURCH DOORS HOLDING HIS WEDDING REGISTRY GIFT OF MORTAL HUMILIATION / [[Nice Pete:]] GOD DAMN IT!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08302007
Achewood - August 31, 2004 [[Ray reads a magazine]] / Ray: Oh, snap! Bensington Butters just signed KC 185-Loot! I was all hyped to land them on Prime Time! DAMN him! / Waterbury: Bensington Butters, sir? I regret I-- / Ray: Look, that's Butters, on the left. Look how proud he is of his eyes. / Ray: Did you know that he has it in his contract that you have to look into his eyes? / Waterbury: They are rather nice eyes, sir. / Waterbury: Such eccentricities become the stuff of legend, sir. It might be advisable to develop a few of your own, in your line of... work. / Ray: Huh. You might be right. / [[Ray at computer]] / Computer screen: Possible myths about me: / Once killed a man. / No, no, too nasty. Once stabbed... broke... no. hm / When gymnasts speak, my balls rise up into my body
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08312004
 
Achewood - August 31, 2005 Teodor: Check it out, Pat got a new bumper sticker. / Roast Beef: Dang man how can you tell / Teodor: It's the... isn't... didn't he used to... by the one with the...? / Roast Beef: Naw man looks pretty usual to me / HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS AND I'LL BACK INTO YOU / NADER / IF THIS CAR'S A-ROCKIN, THEN TWO BARBERS HAVE NO DOUBT BROKEN IN TO COMMIT LEWD ACTS ON EACH OTHER / THE STULTIFYING COMPOSITIONS OF EDVARD GRIEG / Trials of Honour / Ford / ARREST THEM ALL / FUCK YOU! I ONLY LISTEN TO ME! / Didn't you get the memo? DON'T EAT IN YOUR CAR OR USE THE PHONE IT IS NOT A GOD-DAMNED PHONE RESTAURANT
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08312005
Achewood - August 31, 2006 [[GREAT MOMENTS IN CINEMA PRESENTS "ERASERHEAD" / Brought to you by Roomba! the robotic floor vac]] / [[Roast Beef standing on Roomba with shirt and tie, looking serious]] / Roast Beef: Alright go man do it / [[Téodor at light switch]] / Téodor: You're ready? / Roast Beef: Yes man yes just do it / [[Téodor flicks the switch and the room goes dark]] <> / [[Roast Beef is transformed into Henry Spencer]] / [[Téodor turns on another Roomba, which has the baby from Eraserhead on it]] <> <> / [[Closeup of the Roomba with the baby]] <> / [[The Roomba with the baby rolls across the floor toward the one Roast Beef is standing on]] <> / {{title text: I couldn't draw the pencil machine in a scary enough way}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08312006
a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08312009">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08312009 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
Achewood - September 1, 2004 [[Roast Beef and Molly in bed]] / Roast Beef: Dang lady why you pushin on me / Molly: You were snoring so loud I thought you were going to suck the top of your head down your throat! / Roast Beef: Well I would have stopped snoring in that case and plus I would not have been pushed / Molly: It can't be good for you to breathe that way all night. It's so violent. I'm going to sew a tennis ball into the back of your shirt. / Roast Beef: What so you can hit me with a tennis racquet instead of just pushing / Molly: No, it keeps you from sleeping on your back, so you can't snore. / Roast Beef: Sounds more like it would just keep me from wearing that shirt / Molly: Beef! Come on. / [[Molly rolls over]] / Roast Beef: I tell you what let's sew a tennis ball to the front of my shirt and a racquet to the front of yours and work on our Serrrrve! / Molly: Goodnight, jerk. / [[Roast Beef squints his eyes closed]]
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09012004
Achewood - September 1, 2005 Harry Potter and the Difference Between Alternating Current and Direct Current / R. Beef Kazenzakis / Roast Beef: I mean it's just going to turn out to be a pretty short book is all Well of course I am writing to my strengths / Roast Beef: Yeah I know you let me choose my own topic you ain't got to keep repeating that Onstad / Roast Beef: Oh Jesus I knew he was gonna ask / Roast Beef: Well uh I guess it's about a page and a half including a sidebar where Harry discusses coulombs with a whispering pillar of light / Roast Beef: Yes coulombs are "germane" did they teach you that word at Talk Like a Dick school / Roast Beef: You can pretend all you want but I did just say that / Roast Beef: No I ain't being defensive you are Okay Mr. Funnylaffs I give up what do they say about guys with incredibly small novels
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09012005
Achewood - September 1, 2005 Harry Potter and the Difference Between Alternating Current and Direct Current / R. Beef Kazenzakis / Roast Beef: I mean it's just going to turn out to be a pretty short book is all Well of course I am writing to my strengths / Roast Beef: Yeah I know you let me choose my own topic you ain't got to keep repeating that Onstad / Roast Beef (thinking): Oh Jesus I knew he was gonna ask / Roast Beef: Well uh I guess it's about a page and a half including a sidebar where Harry discusses coulombs with a whispering pillar of light / Roast Beef: Yes coulombs are "germane" did they teach you that word at Talk Like a Dick school / Roast Beef: You can pretend all you want but I did just say that / Roast Beef: No I ain't being defensive you are Okay Mr. Funnylaffs I give up what do they say about guys with incredibly small novels / {{ Guys with incredibly small novels are usually Charles Bukowski }}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09012005
 
Achewood - September 1, 2006 [[GREAT MOMENTS IN CINEMA PRESENTS "PUMP UP THE VOLUME" / Brought to you by Roomba! the robotic floor vac]] / [[Roast Beef with headset and microphone looking intense]] / Roast Beef: Screw you, parents! I'm gonna say a five-pound cuss on ham radio and rent a P.O. Box! / Roast Beef: Talk hard! Say opinions! Adults will never understand us! The principal hates idiots! Gimme a call, Scottsdale! / [[Téodor, topless and wearing a wig, skirt, and striped leggings, rides a Roomba past Beef's window.]] <> / {{title text: Téodor has some fun little tits today!}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09012006
Beef the Cocaine Genius [[DIARY STRIP: CORNELIUS BEAR, SEPTEMBER 2, 2003]] / Mr. Bear: I sat in the dark of the dumbwaiter, with everyone else, waiting for the police to leave. / Mr. Bear: Roast Beef and Lyle struck up a conversation in the stuffy, crowded blackness. / Roast Beef: Have you ever done cocaine Lyle / Lyle: That stuff sends oyster shit down my throat. / Lyle: Makes me puke. / Mr. Bear: His answer was not surprising. Lyle would never betray his beloved brown liquors in favor of any other substance. / Roast Beef: I have done cocaine / Roast Beef: The next morning I went to look over all the code I thought I had written while high / Roast Beef: But instead of code it was a business plan for a restaurant chain that would compete with Romano's Macaroni Grill by featuring a waterfall in the main dining area / {{alt text: The fountain would be beautiful, it would be at least 20' tall.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09022003
Beef the Cocaine Genius [[DIARY STRIP: CORNELIUS BEAR, SEPTEMBER 2, 2003]] / Mr. Bear: I sat in the dark of the dumbwaiter, with everyone else, waiting for the police to leave. / Mr. Bear: Roast Beef and Lyle struck up a conversation in the stuffy, crowded blackness. / Roast Beef: Have you ever done cocaine Lyle / Lyle: That stuff sends oyster shit down my throat. / Lyle: Makes me puke. / Mr. Bear: His answer was not surprising. Lyle would never betray his beloved brown liquors in favor of any other substance. / Roast Beef: I have done cocaine / Roast Beef: The next morning I went to look over all the code I thought I had written while high / Roast Beef: But instead of code it was a business plan for a restaurant chain that would compete with Romano's Macaroni Grill by featuring a waterfall in the main dining area / {{alt text: The fountain would be beautiful, it would be at least 20' tall.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09022003
Achewood - September 2, 2004 [[Roast Beef and Molly brushing their teeth]] / <> / Molly: How did you sleep? / Roast Beef: Oh uh not too good Did I keep snoring / <> / Molly: Not too bad, I rolled you over a few times but that was it. / Roast Beef: Man I had all these horrible dreams / <> / Roast Beef: Like in one an atom bomb went off not too far away and it lit up the sky and shook the earth more terrible than you can imagine / Roast Beef: My first instinct as the mushroom cloud rose higher and the wind grew hot and fast around me... / Roast Beef: was to check Yahoo News / <> / {{How about you did you sleep okay}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09022004
Achewood - September 2, 2005 Ray: It recently came to our attention that Achewood is not handicap-accessible! / Ray: We were like "WHAT say WHAT?! Hold on, nigga!" / [[Ray, holding a martini, jumps over a wheelchair to which is attached a ball and chain.]] / Ray: DAAAAAAMN! / [[Ray has landed in front of a sort of platform with a computer on it and a ramp leading up to the computer; Beef is standing behind the ramp.]] / Ray: *It's like we care or something!* / [[Close-up on Ray]] / Ray: Plus if blind people click on our link, we now have invisible jokes! / [[Close up on Beef, who is speaking in Morse code]] / Roast Beef: -.. -.- ..-- ... --- .-.. - -.- -.- .. ... / Roast Beef (subtitle): "Dogg did you convert the alt text to speech output today heh dang it was mucho-fuxxed" / [[Beef again, this time with semaphore flags]] / Roast Beef (subtitle): "No I didn't oh but hey can your please re-forward me that recipe for opening a can of cherries" / [[Beef standing behind the ramp with the semaphore flags, as Ray jumps over the computer wearing Rollerblades, a martini in each hand.]] / {{Are there braille fonts?}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09022005
Achewood - September 2, 2005 Ray: It recently came to our attention that Achewood is not handicap-accessible! / Ray: We were like "WHAT say WHAT?! Hold on, nigga!" / [[Ray, holding a martini, jumps over a wheelchair to which is attached a ball and chain.]] / Ray: DAAAAAAMN! / [[Ray has landed in front of a sort of platform with a computer on it and a ramp leading up to the computer; Beef is standing behind the ramp.]] / Ray: *It's like we care or something!* / [[Close-up on Ray]] / Ray: Plus if blind people click on our link, we now have invisible jokes! / [[Close up on Beef, who is speaking in Morse code]] / Roast Beef: -.. -.- ..-- ... --- .-.. - -.- -.- .. ... {{Note: This morse code actually spells "DKITTSOLTKIS"}} / Roast Beef (subtitle): "Dogg did you convert the alt text to speech output today heh dang it was mucho-fuxxed" / [[Beef again, this time with semaphore flags]] / Roast Beef (subtitle): "No I didn't oh but hey can your please re-forward me that recipe for opening a can of cherries" / [[Beef standing behind the ramp with the semaphore flags, as Ray jumps over the computer wearing Rollerblades, a martini in each hand.]] / {{Are there braille fonts?}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09022005
Achewood § September 2, 2008 Ray: Alright, so I'll write a monthly column about men's groomin' tips for our magazine. / Tina: Paul Mitchell product placement. Good. / Ray: Actually, I was thinkin' more old school know-how. Like, how to properly clean your belly button. Who ever really got taught? / Tina: Huh! How DO you clean a belly button? / Ray: I got no idea. I ain't even looked inside this bad boy since I can remember. / Ray: Man, there is some gunk in here! It's all like dried and stuff! / <> / Ray: Dang, this feels good... It's like... Q-Tip good... / <> / Ray: Ow! OWWW! Damn, that stings! / Tina: OH! Oh, that is ILL! That is just WRONG, Ray! / Ray: Don't yell at me! You think I think this is right? Are you CRAZY?! / Tina: Don't call me crazy, fat boy! You done hella overstepped! / Ray: Jesus Christ, Tina! Shut up and call a doctor! LOOK AT ME! / SOON. / Roast Beef: Hey Ray uh how does the rhyme for rememberin' the calorie amount in Champagne go / Roase Beef: Ain't it like "The bubble reduces by ten percent / The typical grape's ghastly rent" / <> / <> / Roast Beef: Holy crap Tina what is this ? / Tina: Shut up, you stupid nerd! Call a doctor! / {{alt text: It's a clear fluid, not blood. In a way, that's worse. }}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09022008
 
The Taint is often called the Impossible Mile Lyle: This is getting FUCKING BORING! / Roast Beef: Hey I got an idea / Roast Beef: Why don't we reminisce on things of our childhood / / Roast Beef: I'll get the ball rolling / Roast Beef: Do you remember such things as hearing that a girl stuffed her bra / Roast Beef: Or arguing what a queef was when in private from teachers / Roast Beef: I still posit that it is a fake concept / Roast Beef: Anybody? / Roast Beef: It was also quite astonishing to hear the cusses of 2 Live Crew for the first time / Roast Beef: I spent a lot of time thinking about the things that those men said / {{alt text: The Cusses of the 2 Live Crew}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09032003
Achewood - September 3, 2004 Waterbury: Mr. Smuckles, a very large check has arrived from BabyBling.com. Is this in order? / [[Ray eating]] / Ray: Oh, yeah, that's one of my investments. Go ahead and deposit it. / Waterbury: A most intriguing name. May I ask what it is they offer, sir? / Ray: Oh, you know. Everything the kicked and krunked new family needs! 5" spinner rims for the stroller, 45-degree leaning carseat, Wu Tang mobile with detachable Ol' Dirty Bastard... / {{For when ODB is in prison or on the lam}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09032004
Achewood § September 3, 2008 TODAY'S ACHEWOOD IS HERE: / MYSPACE.COM/DARKHORSEPRESENTS / 8 FULL COLOR PAGES / ISSUE #14, SEPTEMBER 2008 / [Two yellow lighters flank the bottom of the panel, the right one lit.] / Teodor: It... can't explode. / It's... not a bomb. / Ray: Not only do I not have to tell you my secret recipe, but I also don't have to kill you. / [The American Flag with an exclamation mark in place of the stars] / Ray: Hawks are amazing birds, but I don't "believe" in them. That's where you run into problems. / Ray to Teodor: Why you dippin' your Mexican Pizza in some sour cream, Teodor? That item is perfect as it stands, it don't need no doctorin' around with. / Narrator: BUT... / Ray: AWWW yeah! Who wants to go to high school... IN MY PANTS!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09032008
Achewood § September 3, 2009 [[The center of the Wheel of Samsara is seen. The needle at the center of the wheel continues to sweep around the innermost circle, passing by "WOUNDED BY PARENT".]] / <> / [[The needle continues moving, sweeping past "WOUNDED BY GOD".]] / <> / [[The needle is still spinning, passing by "WOUNDED BY OTHERS".]] / <> / <> / <> / [[Roast Beef is seen somewhere inside the chute, upside down and in the fetal position. His eyes are closed tightly and covered by his hands.]] / <> / [[Inside the chute, Roast Beef opens an eye, sensing something is wrong.]] / Roast Beef: Sounds like an escapement lost a banking pin and got stuck in an infinite loop Either that or a pallet fork disengaged Better go take a look / [[Roast Beef pounds on the wall of the chute repeatedly. A section of thin sheet metal begins to dent and warp.]] / <> / [[Roast Beef grabs the edge of the wall panel and bends it outward. One of the fasteners breaks loose and pops out.]] / <> / [[Outside the chute, Roast Beef inspects an escapement, grabbing the disengaged pallet.]] / Roast Beef: Always cleanin' up after other folks Even on my one big day off / <> / [[Roast Beef holds onto a metal rod that he has stuck between the escapement and the gears and gives it a sharp downward yank.]] / <> / [[Roast Beef pauses in the middle of trying to fix the needle's mechanism, as something off-camera catches his eye.]] / [[A door with a sign above it reading "EXIT" is seen at the end of a hallway.]]
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09032009
Mark Twain and James Bond [[BACK WITH MARK TWAIN]] / Mark Twain: This James Bond, an English spy and bon vivant, seems to be the preeminent entertainer of their time. / Ray: Oh, yeah. James Bond is the 'mackinest. / Ray: Heh! There was even this one movie where James Bond went to the moon and got his Sperm on! / Mark Twain: Ray's colorful language described a rather interesting, complex character. / Ray: 'Course, they never show James Bond actually mackin'. He's way too classy for that. / Philippe: Ray! Mark Twain doesn't want to know about that kind of thing! Be polite! / Mark Twain: Apparently this James Bond is outfitted with a remarkable array of clever futuristic gadgetry. / Ray: He's got a pen that's actually a time bomb! / Philippe: Yes! Good! / Mark Twain: Am strongly considering giving Huck Finn a straw boater which shoots fire from the crown. / {{alt text: I don't think the movies ever indicated what sort of music James Bond liked?}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09042003
 
Achewood - September 4, 2007 [[Teodor sits at his computer. The title "Harry Potter - FOUR YEARS LATER -" is shown over his head]] / Teodor: All right, I'll take a crack at it. / Teodor: {{typing}} Harry sat on the edge of the diving board, intently tracing circles in the deep end with his toe. Had it all been a dream? / <> / Teodor: {{typing}} Ron exploded from the water like a jubliant dolphin. No, Harry smiles - it hadn't. Ron had come over at some point and jumped into the pool. / <> / Teodor: {{typing}} "Hey Ron," he asked, "Do you fancy some Burger King?" Harry fancied some Burger King, but knew that Ron was dicey about eating. "Oh," Ron answered. "Maybe a milkshake. You driving?" / Teodor: {{typing}} "No, Hermione's driving," Harry answered. "She just took delivery of that large brown Barracuda." "Oh. Right. I'm not oging to feel safe in that thing, you know." "Come on, Ron. Just come to Burger King with us. We'll only take surface streets, no freeways, and I'll make the payment for your milkshake." / Teodor: {{typing}} "Fucking hell," Ron sighed, climbing out of the water. "I'm not even hungry." / <> / Teodor: {{typing}} Hagrid, stoned out of his gourd, emerged from the house. He was playing virtual poker on his wireless laptop, and his robe hung open. His tremendous canvas briefs were visible, and a large diamond stud sparkled on his earlobe. Oblivious to his surroundings, he took a misstep and fell into the pool. He tried to chuck the laptop to safety, but it clattered into the spa. / Teodor: {{typing}} Ron and Harry winced and looked downward. / <> / Teodor: {{typing}} "We made too much money," said Harry. "Yes," said Ron, quietly. "We made too much money." / <> / {{alt-text: Four years after Hogwarts, and after they have all quit their jobs at Merrill Lynch.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09042007
Achewood § September 4, 2009 {{title: Roast Beef Takes a Gamble}} / [[A door with an exit sign.]] / [[Roast Beef looks at the door while holding the crowbar still wedged into the non-operating gears of the Karmic Cycle]] / [[Roast Beef looks at the crowbar and the machinery.]] / [[Roast Beef pulls the crowbar out of the gears, and return to operation.]] / <> / <> / [[Roast Beef places the crowbar gently on the ground.]] / [[Roast Beef approaches the door labeled exit, right arm outstretched for the handle.]] / [[Close-up of Roast Beef's right hand gripping the door handle.]] / [[With a firm grip, Roast Beef begins to open the door, revealing darkness initially.]] / [[Looking from the room on the other side of the door, Roast Beef stands in the door way, with a neutral expression.]] / [[The room is revealed further to show Molly sleeping in her normal place and sleeping position, Roast Beef's place in the bed is empty, and untouched.]] / [[Roast Beef looks over his shoulder, closing the door slightly to see something behind it.]] / [[The broken duct where Roast Beef was stuck previously.]] / [[Roast Beef, standing in the doorway, proceeds to look into the room, thinking.]] / [[Roast Beef, standing in the doorway, closes his eyes, in a sense of sigh and resignation.]] / [[Ray's Escalade consumed in flames.]] / [[The door begins to swing closed slowly.]] / <> / [[The door closes.]] / <>
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09042009
Achewood - September 5, 2006 Philippe: Lie Bot, what's the saddest thing? / Lie Bot: Oh, wow. I'm not sure you're ready for this, kid. / Philippe: Sure I am! I've been practicing. / [[Lie Bot shrugs, as resigned as a robot can be]] / Lie Bot: Okay, okay. I'll tell you. / Lie Bot: The saddest thing is an old bag lady, freezing to death in the snow on Christmas Eve, and the last thing she sees is a family in a nice warm diner getting beheaded by the Taliban. / [[Philippe is distraught]] / Philippe: Nooo! / {{Alt: Huzzah!}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09052006
Achewood - September 5, 2007 [[Ray is on the phone, drink in hand.]] / Ray: Let's just say there's a cumshot at my house, and I didn't put it there. / [[pause]] / Well, yeah, I sort of want to know who did. / Ray: On the back of the couch. Unmistakable. About one foot up. / [[pause]] / I'm just sayin' it's rude, is all. In fact, it's pretty rude. / Ray: Yeah, I get that at least once in this world someone had some delight for once. I know that ain't a common thing. But on my couch, dude. Couldn't someone have had some delight into an old refried beans can? / [[We see a bowl of beans and an opened can labelled "ROSARITA FRIJOLES REFRITOS" and beaing an image of a woman feeding a small child.]] / Ray: I'm eatin' refried beans for lunch, that's why. How 'bout you? / [[pause]] / Chili beans? Yeah, see - exactly. You feelin' me. / Ray: Oh, I'm sorry. I know. Just a bad start to the day, is all. Cumshot. Sofa. Boom. Martha Stewart ain't chimin' in on that one. / [[Ray leans on his windowsill.]] / Ray: Exactly. You ain't havin' nobody over if there's a damn cumshot. / {{alt-text: Ray is the Larry David of there being a cumshot at his house.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09052007
Patching Up a Friend. [[Ray is laying on the floor in the fetal position, his arms behind him, leaking fluid from his navel. Roast Beef kneels over him, and Tina stands behind looking greatly concerned.]] / Roast Beef: Alright it looks like his Rectus sheath is punctured and he's leakin' interstitial fluid / [[Close-up on Tina; top of Beef's head visible.]] / Tina: That crap don't clump, right? Like all hemogoblins an shit? / RB: I don't think it clots no so we got to plug this up quick / RB: Do you have uh do you got like one of those lady things in your purse / [[Tina smacks Beef upside the head.]] / T: I got nothin' BUT lady things in my purse, fool! You think a diva carries Skoal?! / [[Roast Beef turns angrily.]] / RB: Jesus Tina a TAMPON ! / [[Tina rummages in her purse.]] / T: Oh my God I can't believe I'm doin' this...so ill...SO wrong... / [[Close up of Beef's hand, holding a small tampon.]] / RB: Dang these things got a lot smaller since my mom used to use them / RB: She was always luggin' around these 3 Musketeers-size ones that had like a cardboard ejector chute and Charles Bronson on the package / [[Scene shows all three; Beef is lifting up Ray's leg to afford better access to the leaking navel.]] / T: Shut up and fix him, nerd! Hurry! / RB: OK wow good it looks like this fits perfectly now we just need somethin' to hold it in place you got like a band aid or anything else adhesive / [[Tina rummages in her purse some more, looking sheepish.]] / [[Closeup of Tina's hand holding a small box with a faint outline of a beaver on it, reading: / The Original / Diva Dam / Godiva Flavor / Self-adhesive dental dam]] / [[Roast Beef holds the box and looks at it.]] / [[Roast Beef holds the box and looks at Tina.]] / [[Tina, looking angry.]] / T: Don't have judgment, Roast Beef! You KNOW you don't drive a woman crazy enough to buck nasty! / [[Beef, looking irritated, applies the dental dam to Ray's navel.]] / RB, thinking: "It's not easy being Vagina Products MacGyver," thought Vagina Products MacGyver, as the harpy baselessly trashed his crotch chops. / {{Alt: Vagina Products MacGyver ran for one episode on Adult Swim but everyone agreed that the insouciant-title tail was wagging the strength-of-concept dog.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09052008
 

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