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| Achewood - August 27, 2008 | [[Ray thinking to himself. His arms are crossed. He looks pretty down. He is holding a phone.]]
/ Ray: Man, this ain't workin'. I was born horny, loved Playboy since I was three, and need more than I'm gettin'. I got to call a sex line and make today happen. / [[With a book open in front of him. Furiously... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08272008 |
| Achewood - August 27, 2008 | [[Ray thinking to himself. His arms are crossed. He looks pretty down. He is holding a phone.]]
/ Ray: Man, this ain't workin'. I was born horny, loved Playboy since I was three, and need more than I'm gettin'. I got to call a sex line and make today happen. / [[With a book open in front of him. Furiously... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08272008 |
| The Dumbwaiter Redux | Todd: How c-c-come this dumbwaiter has controls on the frikkin' inside? / Roast Beef: Oh uh Ray uses it as an elevator when he's feelin' cranky and doesn't want to use the stairs / Todd: Wow! His own elevator! That frikkin R-R-Rules!
/ Roast Beef: Man when we were kids we used to play make believe for... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08282003 |
| Achewood - August 28, 2006 | [[Téodor is on the phone, holding a notepad and rolled up construction plans under his arm.]]
/ Téodor: Ray! Want to help me convert an old diesel car to run on used restaurant oil? / [[Ray is leaning into his computer monitor with the phone to his ear, looking unimpressed. A wine glass sits on his desk.]]
/ Ray:... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08282006 |
| The Unwilling Voyeur | Mr. Bear: My heavens, Roast Beef! What an unthinkable predicament!
/ Lyle: KILL THE LIGHT! / Roast Beef: Oh it wasn't so bad I guess
/ Roast Beef: I mean Ray would do some pretty kinky stuff sometimes but I could always just close my eyes and cover my ears
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08292003 |
| Achewood - August 29, 2006 | [[Roast Beef is on the phone (it is not implied who he is talking to, Pat or Ray)]] / RB: Dogg we sayin' up hell of yo mama jokes in my place / RB: Yeah right no limits knuckles style exactly / [[Pat, Beef, and Ray are standing outside on the lawn hurling "Yo mama" jokes at each other. There is a... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08292006 |
| Téodor's Flowchart | The Téodor Orezscu Decision-Making Flowchart / 1) Wake Up!
/ -> 2
/ -> 9 / 2) Man I'm almost thirty why haven't I set up my room like Ferris Bueller's yet
/ It's impractical -> 3
/ Today's the day. Let's do it -> 6 / 3) When someone opens the door a hidden Polaroid could take their picture!
/ What if it... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08292007 |
| Achewood - August 30, 2004 | Newspaper: Oddly enough...
/ AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - Civic officials have installed speaking commodes in several downtown locations. The "talking toilets" broadcast public service announcements, top news stories, and paid advertisements.
/ So far the experiment has been well-recieved by locals and tourists... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08302004 |
| Achewood - August 30, 2004 | Newspaper: Oddly enough...
/ AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - Civic officials have installed speaking commodes in several downtown locations. The "talking toilets" broadcast public service announcements, top news stories, and paid advertisements.
/ So far the experiment has been well-recieved by locals and tourists... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08302004 |
| Achewood - August 30, 2004 | Newspaper: Oddly enough...
/ AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - Civic officials have installed speaking commodes in several downtown locations. The "talking toilets" broadcast public service announcements, top news stories, and paid advertisements.
/ So far the experiment has been well-recieved by locals and tourists... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08302004 |
| Achewood - August 30, 2004 | Newspaper: Oddly enough...
/ AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - Civic officials have installed speaking commodes in several downtown locations. The "talking toilets" broadcast public service announcements, top news stories, and paid advertisements.
/ So far the experiment has been well-recieved by locals and tourists... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08302004 |
| Achewood - August 30, 2005 | [[Roast Beef and Ray walking]]
/ Roast Beef: Hey uh listen Ray I got to drive to downtown San Francisco and pick some stuff for Molly
/ Ray: Downtown, huh. Daylight?
/ Roast Beef: Yeah man uh you got any hulls
/ Ray: Yeh, yeah, of course. I think I got my best ones out on loan though. Here, let's take... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08302005 |
| Achewood - August 30, 2005 | [[Roast Beef and Ray (with socks on) walking]]
/ Roast Beef: Hey uh listen Ray I got to drive to downtown San Francisco and pick some stuff for Molly / Ray: Downtown, huh. Daylight?
/ Roast Beef: Yeah man uh you got any hulls / [[Ray removing socks]]
/ Ray: Yeah, yeah, of course. I think I got my... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08302005 |
| Achewood - August 30, 2007 | a bit of... Nice Pete / WELL MY GOODNESS, A FINE CHERRY PIE
/ WHAT A DELICIOUS DISH / start. / CONSIDER THE PIE / YES / IS IT HONEST-COOKED, WITH A TENDER CRUST AND FIRM FILLING? HAS IT BEEN WELL MOISTENED WITH NATURAL JUICES AND GOOD COUNTRY SUGAR? / YES / MMM. MOM-MOM NEVER COOKED A PIE LIKE... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08302007 |
| Achewood - August 31, 2004 | [[Ray reads a magazine]]
/ Ray: Oh, snap! Bensington Butters just signed KC 185-Loot! I was all hyped to land them on Prime Time! DAMN him! / Waterbury: Bensington Butters, sir? I regret I--
/ Ray: Look, that's Butters, on the left. Look how proud he is of his eyes. / Ray: Did you know that he has it... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08312004 |
| Achewood - August 31, 2005 | Teodor: Check it out, Pat got a new bumper sticker. / Roast Beef: Dang man how can you tell / Teodor: It's the... isn't... didn't he used to... by the one with the...?
/ Roast Beef: Naw man looks pretty usual to me / HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS AND I'LL BACK INTO YOU
/ NADER
/ IF THIS CAR'S A-ROCKIN, THEN... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08312005 |
| Achewood - August 31, 2006 | [[GREAT MOMENTS IN CINEMA PRESENTS "ERASERHEAD"
/ Brought to you by Roomba! the robotic floor vac]] / [[Roast Beef standing on Roomba with shirt and tie, looking serious]] / Roast Beef: Alright go man do it / [[Téodor at light switch]]
/ Téodor: You're ready? / Roast Beef: Yes man yes just do it / [[Téodor... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08312006 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08312009">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08312009 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - September 1, 2004 | [[Roast Beef and Molly in bed]]
/ Roast Beef: Dang lady why you pushin on me / Molly: You were snoring so loud I thought you were going to suck the top of your head down your throat! / Roast Beef: Well I would have stopped snoring in that case and plus I would not have been pushed
/ Molly: It can't be... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09012004 |
| Achewood - September 1, 2005 | Harry Potter and the Difference Between Alternating Current and Direct Current
/ R. Beef Kazenzakis / Roast Beef: I mean it's just going to turn out to be a pretty short book is all Well of course I am writing to my strengths / Roast Beef: Yeah I know you let me choose my own topic you ain't got to... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09012005 |
| Achewood - September 1, 2005 | Harry Potter and the Difference Between Alternating Current and Direct Current
/ R. Beef Kazenzakis / Roast Beef: I mean it's just going to turn out to be a pretty short book is all Well of course I am writing to my strengths / Roast Beef: Yeah I know you let me choose my own topic you ain't got to... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09012005 |
| Achewood - September 1, 2006 | [[GREAT MOMENTS IN CINEMA PRESENTS "PUMP UP THE VOLUME"
/ Brought to you by Roomba! the robotic floor vac]] / [[Roast Beef with headset and microphone looking intense]]
/ Roast Beef: Screw you, parents! I'm gonna say a five-pound cuss on ham radio and rent a P.O. Box! / Roast Beef: Talk hard! Say opinions!... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09012006 |
| Beef the Cocaine Genius | [[DIARY STRIP: CORNELIUS BEAR, SEPTEMBER 2, 2003]]
/ Mr. Bear: I sat in the dark of the dumbwaiter, with everyone else, waiting for the police to leave. / Mr. Bear: Roast Beef and Lyle struck up a conversation in the stuffy, crowded blackness.
/ Roast Beef: Have you ever done cocaine Lyle / Lyle: That... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09022003 |
| Beef the Cocaine Genius | [[DIARY STRIP: CORNELIUS BEAR, SEPTEMBER 2, 2003]]
/ Mr. Bear: I sat in the dark of the dumbwaiter, with everyone else, waiting for the police to leave. / Mr. Bear: Roast Beef and Lyle struck up a conversation in the stuffy, crowded blackness.
/ Roast Beef: Have you ever done cocaine Lyle / Lyle: That... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09022003 |
| Achewood - September 2, 2004 | [[Roast Beef and Molly brushing their teeth]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09022004 |
| Achewood - September 2, 2005 | Ray: It recently came to our attention that Achewood is not handicap-accessible!
/ Ray: We were like "WHAT say WHAT?! Hold on, nigga!" / [[Ray, holding a martini, jumps over a wheelchair to which is attached a ball and chain.]]
/ Ray: DAAAAAAMN! / [[Ray has landed in front of a sort of platform with... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09022005 |
| Achewood - September 2, 2005 | Ray: It recently came to our attention that Achewood is not handicap-accessible!
/ Ray: We were like "WHAT say WHAT?! Hold on, nigga!" / [[Ray, holding a martini, jumps over a wheelchair to which is attached a ball and chain.]]
/ Ray: DAAAAAAMN! / [[Ray has landed in front of a sort of platform with... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09022005 |
| Achewood § September 2, 2008 | Ray: Alright, so I'll write a monthly column about men's groomin' tips for our magazine.
/ Tina: Paul Mitchell product placement. Good. / Ray: Actually, I was thinkin' more old school know-how. Like, how to properly clean your belly button. Who ever really got taught?
/ Tina: Huh! How DO you clean... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09022008 |
| The Taint is often called the Impossible Mile | Lyle: This is getting FUCKING BORING! / Roast Beef: Hey I got an idea
/ Roast Beef: Why don't we reminisce on things of our childhood / / Roast Beef: I'll get the ball rolling / Roast Beef: Do you remember such things as hearing that a girl stuffed her bra / Roast Beef: Or arguing what a queef was... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09032003 |
| Achewood - September 3, 2004 | Waterbury: Mr. Smuckles, a very large check has arrived from BabyBling.com. Is this in order? / [[Ray eating]]
/ Ray: Oh, yeah, that's one of my investments. Go ahead and deposit it.
/ Waterbury: A most intriguing name. May I ask what it is they offer, sir? / Ray: Oh, you know. Everything the kicked... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09032004 |
| Achewood § September 3, 2008 | TODAY'S ACHEWOOD IS HERE:
/ MYSPACE.COM/DARKHORSEPRESENTS
/ 8 FULL COLOR PAGES
/ ISSUE #14, SEPTEMBER 2008
/ [Two yellow lighters flank the bottom of the panel, the right one lit.] / Teodor: It... can't explode.
/ It's... not a bomb. / Ray: Not only do I not have to tell you my secret recipe, but I also... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09032008 |
| Achewood § September 3, 2009 | [[The center of the Wheel of Samsara is seen. The needle at the center of the wheel continues to sweep around the innermost circle, passing by "WOUNDED BY PARENT".]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09032009 |
| Mark Twain and James Bond | [[BACK WITH MARK TWAIN]]
/ Mark Twain: This James Bond, an English spy and bon vivant, seems to be the preeminent entertainer of their time.
/ Ray: Oh, yeah. James Bond is the 'mackinest. / Ray: Heh! There was even this one movie where James Bond went to the moon and got his Sperm on! / Mark Twain: Ray's... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09042003 |
| Achewood - September 4, 2007 | [[Teodor sits at his computer. The title "Harry Potter - FOUR YEARS LATER -" is shown over his head]]
/ Teodor: All right, I'll take a crack at it. / Teodor: {{typing}} Harry sat on the edge of the diving board, intently tracing circles in the deep end with his toe. Had it all been a dream?
/ < |
| Achewood § September 4, 2009 | {{title: Roast Beef Takes a Gamble}} / [[A door with an exit sign.]] / [[Roast Beef looks at the door while holding the crowbar still wedged into the non-operating gears of the Karmic Cycle]] / [[Roast Beef looks at the crowbar and the machinery.]] / [[Roast Beef pulls the crowbar out of the gears,... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09042009 |
| Achewood - September 5, 2006 | Philippe: Lie Bot, what's the saddest thing?
/ Lie Bot: Oh, wow. I'm not sure you're ready for this, kid. / Philippe: Sure I am! I've been practicing. / [[Lie Bot shrugs, as resigned as a robot can be]]
/ Lie Bot: Okay, okay. I'll tell you. / Lie Bot: The saddest thing is an old bag lady, freezing... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09052006 |
| Achewood - September 5, 2007 | [[Ray is on the phone, drink in hand.]]
/ Ray: Let's just say there's a cumshot at my house, and I didn't put it there.
/ [[pause]]
/ Well, yeah, I sort of want to know who did. / Ray: On the back of the couch. Unmistakable. About one foot up.
/ [[pause]]
/ I'm just sayin' it's rude, is all. In fact, it's... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09052007 |
| Patching Up a Friend. | [[Ray is laying on the floor in the fetal position, his arms behind him, leaking fluid from his navel. Roast Beef kneels over him, and Tina stands behind looking greatly concerned.]]
/ Roast Beef: Alright it looks like his Rectus sheath is punctured and he's leakin' interstitial fluid / [[Close-up on... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09052008 |
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