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| Achewood - July 14, 2003 | Lyle; Aw crap, man. I just won Oasis.
/ Teodor; What? / Lyle; This freakin' Pepsi contest. I was kinda hopin' for the Kia Sedona.
/ Teodor; Oasis, huh? I used to like them. / Lyle; Yeah, you and everybody else from the third grade. What am I gonna do with these toothless jerks? / Teodor; Maybe just... http://achewood.com/?date=07142003 |
| Achewood - July 14, 2003 | Aw crap, man. I just won Oasis. / What? / This freakin' Pepsi contest. I was kinda hopin' for the Kia Sedona. / Oasis, huh? I used to like them. / Yeah, you and everybody from the third grade. What am I gonna do with these toothless jerks? / Maybe just don't claim the prize... ? / sigh / Yeah...I... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07142003 |
| Achewood - July 14, 2004 | [[Mr. Bear is reading a newspaper]]
/ Mr. Bear: What is this "MILF" acronym I'm seeing bandied about in the personals these days?
/ Lie Bot: It stands for "May I Leave Flowers?" / Lie Bot: It's like SWM and all that, but it signals that you're a gentleman, you know?
/ You use it in your ad to show that... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07142004 |
| Achewood - July 14, 2006 | [[(IT'S A...)]]
/ [[FUCK YOU FRIDAY!]]
/ [[Leo Fontanette is looking angry.]] / [[Leo is driving his car.]]
/ Leo: How DARE that fucking kid talk to me that way! Does he know how much VOLUME I do?! DOES HE KNOW HOW MUCH VOLUME I DO? NO! NO! HE DOESN'T! 'CAUSE HE'S AN IDIOT! AGH! PIECE OF SHIT MORON! / Leo:... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07142006 |
| Achewood - July 15, 2002 | [[A desk with papers and a martini glass. Ray, dressed in shirt and tie, is just discarding a sheet of paper.]]
/ Ray: Dang, people! Hello and good morning! Listen, today is a very special day around here. / Ray: Why? Because the Achewood book is finally done, that's why! / [[Phillippe appears at... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07152002 |
| Achewood - July 15, 2003 | Lyle: Hey! OASIS! / Lyle: Yeah, I'm talkin' to you! You know who you are! / Lyle: Don't give me that look! I'll come over there and slap the scowls right off your faces, so help me! / Oasis 1: Sorry Lyle we's tired like
/ Oasis 2: We's all just bloody hot an' tired wot wiv' the labor an' such
/ We ain't... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07152003 |
| Achewood - July 15, 2003 | Lyle: Hey! OASIS! / Lyle: Yeah, I'm talkin' to you! You know who you are! / Lyle: Don't give me that look! I'll come over there and slap the scowls right off your faces, so help me! / Oasis 1: Sorry Lyle we's tired like
/ Oasis 2: We's all just bloody hot an' tired wot wiv' the labor an' such
/ We ain't... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07152003 |
| Roast Beef Shoe Shopping | [[Roast Beef and Molly are in their mattress on the floor]]
/ Molly: Hey, Beef! LEt's go get you some new shoes! / Roast Beef: Oh come on now what do you think I am - Prince / Molly: I'm sick of seeing your feet so roughed up. What kind of shoes do you like? / Roast Beef: Shoes which are still at the... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07152004 |
| Roast Beef Shoe Shopping | [[Roast Beef and Molly are in their mattress on the floor]]
/ Molly: Hey, Beef! Let's go get you some new shoes! / Roast Beef: Oh come on now what do you think I am
/ Prince / Molly: I'm sick of seeing your feet so roughed up. What kind of shoes do you like? / Roast Beef: Shoes which are still at the... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07152004 |
| Achewood - July 15, 2005 | [[Title card: "GREAT MOMENTS IN CINEMA(tm)" "PRESENTS" "STAR WARS]] / [[Title card: "BROUGHT TO YOU BY" "Roomba" "Robotic Floor Vac!"]] / [[Beef and Teódor - just the tops of their heads visible. Beef is holding the Roomba above his head, flying it around like the Millennium Falcon.]] / Beef:... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07152005 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/?date=07152008">http://achewood.com/?date=07152008 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07152010">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07152010 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - July 16, 2007 | [[Teodor walks in on Ray, who is looking at 3 mannequins]]
/ Teodor: What's with all these human torso mannequins, Ray? / Ray: Oh, just tryin' to get back in the game. / [[Teodor raises and eyebrow]] / [[Teodor taps Ray on the shoulder]] / Ray: Ultra-realistic mannequins. My portfolio. I'm thinkin'... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07162007 |
| Achewood § July 16, 2009 | [[The first panel is taken up with the first of many pages of a letter to Ray from Williams-Sonoma]]
/ Letter: Mr. Smuckles, Alright, that was the single worst example of Sapphic erotica I have ever read. That truly is saying something. Allow me to show you how it is done in the big leagues, young man.... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07162009 |
| Achewood - July 17, 2002 | [[Ray, martini glass in hand, is on the phone, although not to Roast Beef, who is presumably still on the moon.]]
/ Ray: Hey hot mama! Can you dig it?
/ Tina: What the--who in hell is this? / Ray: It's Ray, sweet thang! Whooo yeah! You feelin' me, baby?
/ Tina: Ray, you got some nerve callin' me after... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07172002 |
| Achewood - July 17, 2002 | [[Ray, martini glass in hand, is on the phone, although not to Roast Beef, who is presumably still on the moon.]]
/ Ray: Hey hot mama! Can you dig it?
/ Tina: What the--who in hell is this? / Ray: It's Ray, sweet thang! Whooo yeah! You feelin' me, baby?
/ Tina: Ray, you got some nerve callin' me after... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07172002 |
| Achewood - July 17, 2003 | File photo of Philippe taken in Berlin train station while waiting for rail service to Warsaw
/ August 28, 2002, 5:47 AM (WESZ) / How do we know that this photograph was actually taken in Europe? / (1) Only a non-American mind could conceive of a food product based on the union of "Texas" and "bagels. / (2)... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07172003 |
| Achewood - July 17, 2006 | [[Ray is talking on the phone]]
/ Ray: Beef, dogg. Bad news, man. You seated? / Beef: Oh Christ you got that tone dogg what the hell it is man who ate it don't talk soft to me.
/ Ray [[Over phone]]: It's Leo, dogg. From our gym. They just found him, dude. / Beef [[Thinking]]: Hold on what in the hell... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07172006 |
| Achewood - July 17, 2006 | [[Ray is talking on the phone]]
/ Ray: Beef, dogg. Bad news, man. You seated? / Beef: Oh Christ you got that tone dogg what the hell it is man who ate it don't talk soft to me.
/ Ray [[Over phone]]: It's Leo, dogg. From our gym. They just found him, dude. / Beef [[Thinking]]: Hold on what in the hell... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07172006 |
| Achewood - July 17, 2007 | [[Roast Beef and Molly are stopped mid-coitus on the couch]]
/ Molly: Babe? What's the matter? You...you shrank really fast! / [[Roast Beef on phone, looking hella angry]]
/ Roast Beef: THE HELL WHY DID YOU LOLCAT ME ON THE NEWS RAY YOU SON OF A BITCH! / Roast Beef: LIKE HELL IT'S GONNA "BLOW OVER"... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07172007 |
| Achewood - July 17, 2008 | [[Ramses Luther Smuckles and Pat are loading up their plates at the buffet]]
/ Ramses: The hell your'e so picky at the buffet, son. You eat just one damned roll, you ain't gonna have no base down for later.
/ Pat: They haven't made ANY attempt to accommodate modern dietary needs.
/ Ramses: Body eats... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07172008 |
| Achewood - July 17, 2008 | [[Ramses Luther Smuckles and Pat are loading up their plates at the buffet]]
/ Ramses: The hell your'e so picky at the buffet, son. You eat just one damned roll, you ain't gonna have no base down for later.
/ Pat: They haven't made ANY attempt to accommodate modern dietary needs.
/ Ramses: Body eats... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07172008 |
| Achewood - July 18, 2002 | [[Philippe is holding an electric guitar plugged into a speaker.]]
/ Philippe: Look Lyle! My mom got me an electric guitar!
/ Lyle: What's that? Some piece of baloney from Sears? / Philippe: Stop it! It's totally rad! Just listen! / [[Philippe rocks out.]]
/ Speaker: HERE COMES A SPECIAL BOY HERE... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07182002 |
| Achewood - July 18, 2003 | [[Lyle is looking out of a window and down towards someone or something that is out of frame]]
/ Lyle: OASIS!
/ Voice 1: Wot yeah
/ Voice 2: Is it quittin' time then yeah mate / Noel: Aw, Liam He's gonna be pissed that you asked 'im that
/ Liam: Up your arse Noel I'm the one what 'as been removin' most... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07182003 |
| Achewood - July 18, 2003 | [[Lyle is looking out of a window and down towards someone or something that is out of frame]]
/ Lyle: OASIS!
/ Voice 1: Wot yeah
/ Voice 2: Is it quittin' time then yeah mate / Noel: Aw, Liam He's gonna be pissed that you asked 'im that
/ Liam: Up your arse Noel I'm the one what 'as been removin' most... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07182003 |
| Achewood - July 18, 2005 | [[Roast Beef sits at computer, chin on hands.]]
/ Roast Beef (thinks): Dang man well dang it sounds like you can make a mint if you host Google ads on your site / Roast Beef (thinks): Man I wonder what concept of website would bring in the most visitors if I were to host it / Roast Beef: Oh dogg a site... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07182005 |
| Roast Beef's I Got Problems website | [[Roast Beef sits at computer, chin on hands.]]
/ Roast Beef (thinks): Dang man well dang it sounds like you can make a mint if you host Google ads on your site / Roast Beef (thinks): Man I wonder what concept of website would bring in the most visitors if I were to host it / Roast Beef: Oh dogg a site... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07182005 |
| Achewood - July 18, 2006 | [[Ray is seated, reading the newspaper with his eyebrows raised]] / [[Close-up of classified ad, entitled "The Mike Stonetower School"]]
/ Ad: Is Your Boy a Chunkity-Ass Nerd? All across this great nation our boys are becoming chunkity-ass nerds. We aim to change all of that. Whether your boy is a chunkity-ass,... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07182006 |
| Achewood - July 18, 2007 | [[Ray is sitting on a cushy armchair, thoughtfully biting his nails and thinking in an internal monologue]]
/ Ray (thought): Man, I really done it up with Christmas lights and a pony this time. / [[Ray's hand is now under his chin and his eyebrows are concerningly arched into frowns]]
/ Ray (thought):... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07182007 |
| Achewood - July 18, 2008 | Ray: 'Scuse me, T. I got to see a man about a dad.
/ Arwell: Are you the Ray who did the speech? I have been asked to take your photograph with the bride and groom.
/ Ray: I... Jesus. Real, real fast, right?
/ Lyle (thinking): Aw crap, this beer ain't got a twist-off! Now I gotta shame-walk all the way... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07182008 |
| Achewood § July 18, 2009 | [[The first panel is taken up by a large invitation to the sapphic erotica competition]]
/ You are invited to THE NEW KINGS OF SAPPHIC EROTICA
/ - Freestyle Literary Battle -
/ Competing: Raymond Q. Smuckles
/ President, Prime Time Records
/ Vs.
/ Chuck Williams
/ Founder, Williams-Sonoma
/ The victor is... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07182009 |
| Achewood - July 19, 2004 | HISTORY...ON THE MARCH! TM
/ -PRESENTS-
/ "THE 18TH AMENDMENT, 1918: THE ESTABLISHMENT OF PROHIBITION"
/ BROUGHT TO YOU BY
/ ROOMBA! THE ROBOTIC FLOOR VAC / THE WHITE HOUSE.
/ Roast Beef: Doggie the nation pisses hell of ducats up the wall on drinks and frosty beers / [[Roast Beef moves around to the other... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07192004 |
| Trials of Honour | [[Pat sits watching a TV program with a surprised look on his face]]
/ TV: Fare...thee...NOT...well...Cymulon...Fare...thee...NOT...well. / [[Pat trash talks the TV]]
/ Pat: Ooh! It's PAYBACK time, Cymulon! So much for YOUR seat at high court! / [[Nice Pete enters and stands behind Pat]]
/ Pete: Pat what... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07192005 |
| Achewood - July 19, 2006 | [[Ray is kneeling and talking to Todd, Roast Beef stands to the right obscured by text balloons]]
/ Ray: Daaamn, Todd! Did you lost a bunch of weight?
/ Todd: Sure did! It's from all the f-f-fuckin' I been doin'! / [[Ray excitedly motions pointing down at Todd, who is below panel view]]
/ Ray: Hey-o! / [[Ray... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07192006 |
| Achewood - July 19, 2007 | [[Ray enters the room.]]
/ Ray: Yo Connie! You in here? I gotta get some advice off 'a you, man! / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07192007 |
| Achewood - July 20, 2004 | [[A taco stand labled "tacos del rey $1" sits in the foreground.]] / Ray: Dang, Lyle! You openin' up a taco stand? / Lyle: The cholo cooks at my new busin' gig load me down with tons of leftovers every night ... I got frijoles and tortillas comin' outta my ears! / Ray: Daaamn, no operating costs!... http://achewood.com/?date=07202004 |
| Achewood - July 20, 2004 | Ray: Dang, Lyle! You openin' up a taco stand?
/ (Taco stand sign: tacos del rey $1 ) / Lyle: The cholo cooks at my new busin' gig load me down with tons of leftovers every night...
/ I got frijoles and tortillas comin' outta my ears!
/ Ray: Daaamn, no operating costs! I like your model! / Ray: You know,... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07202004 |
| Friday Facts -- Sports Edition | [[The Sports Page of The Philippe Times, Vol 9 No. 11]] Heading: It's the Sports Page! Don't Worry Though, It's Not Super Boring.
/ [[Column heading in crazy misaligned type:]] Friday Facts!
/ [[Byline]]by Phillippe, editor-in-chief!
/ [[Subhead]]SPORTS TRIVIA!
/ I'm a Bathlete! My best event is the two-meter... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07202007 |
| Achewood - July 21, 2003 | [[Téodor approaches Ray, who is typing on his computer.]]
/ Téodor: Hey man, we just set up a badminton court! Come play!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07212003 |
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