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| Practice Makes Perfect | Dave: How in God's name, did you ever become a lawyer, Brian? You are one of the laziest men I've ever met. / Brian: The law is serious business, dude. It takes hard work, determination, years of commitment to the law. / Satan: Brian, I'm feeling a little frisky. Time to put on the chaps.
/ Brian: There are certain shortcuts. http://deadhonkey.com/?strip_id=2 |
| the time, they are a changing | Dave: "Brian, I can't believe you'd stoop to working for Satan."
/ Brian: "Only for business stuff, really."
/ Dave "Like what?" / Satan: "In the late 90's, I used to provide seed money to Internet start-ups in exchange for their immortal souls."
/ Dave: "Wait, used to?" / Satan: "Yeah, now I do customer service."
/ Dave: "Wow, the dot-com bust was hard on everyone." http://deadhonkey.com/?strip_id=3 |
| Sympathy for the Debil | Satan: "After the dot-com crash, nobody was making useless gobs of cash for doing nothing anymore. I had to return all those souls to their rightful owners. I spend more time in small-claims court these days." / Dave: "But that was a long time ago. Surely you've managed to make somebody rich and famous in exchange for their souls."
/ Satan: "Oh sure." / Satan: ">sigh< But Tila's no longer returning my phone calls."
/ Brian: "We are so suing her ass. That tight, perky, little ass."
/ Dave: "It's all so clear." http://deadhonkey.com/?strip_id=4 |
| Another Day in the Office | Jadine: David, what are you doing home so early?
/ Dave: My boss thought it's be a good idea for me to take the rest of the day off to cool down. / Jadine: Oh honey, you didn't have another argument with accounting, did you?
/ Dave: Yeah, but we settled our differences. / Jadine: I'm proud of you! Shall I make us some dinner?
/ Dave: Sure, but you'll need your cutting knife back. If H.R. calls, I've been home all day. http://deadhonkey.com/?strip_id=5 |
| First Floor - Mortality. Going down. | Dave: Elevators are an apt metaphor for life. Trapped in an enclosed space with complete strangers, trying to make it to their final destinations... / Dave: Forced to be involved in their petty dramas, drawn in and unable to escape...
/ Assclown: Really, Mom! The infection went away! / Dave: Eventually, they all gradually disappear, never seeing them again... / Dave: Leaving you alone with an old, fat person. http://deadhonkey.com/?strip_id=6 |
| Coffee with a Little Something Extra | Counter girl: "Welcome to Starbucks, may I take your order?"
/ Dave: "I'd like a grande..."
/ Annoying Person: "Alan, you're my agent, you have to be able to something..." / Counter girl: "What was that, sit?"
/ Dave: "I said I'd like a..."
/ Annoying Person: "Alan, don't they know who I am? I was in"Cats" after all. I'm an entertainer of the ages!" / Dave: "Darling, I'll give you a thousand dollars if you make a latte out of this guy's blood." / Counter girl: "Welcome to Starbucks, may I take your order?"
/ Tim: "Ya know, I think I'm pretty awake now..." http://deadhonkey.com/?strip_id=7 |
| The Gross is Always Greener | Dave: "I hate board meetings. Every time I attend one, I can feel my life being sucked out of my skull." / Dave: "It really makes me envy Brian's career. As a lawyer, at least he's given a shred of dignity and respect." / Brian "Your Honor, I fail to see the point in me wearing this outfit."
/ Judge: "I'm 67 years old, divorced and hate men. Proceed with your deposition, counselor." http://deadhonkey.com/?strip_id=19 |
| Midget Tennis? Oh Yes. | Dave: We are so going to Hell for this.
/ Brian: I like to think the good Lord intended midgets to be mankind's playthings. Otherwise, they'd be bigger. http://deadhonkey.com/?strip_id=22 |
| A Disgrace for Friends | Dave: This Myspace party sucks.
/ Brian: I think I see Tila Tequila. No, wait. That's just a plant. http://deadhonkey.com/?strip_id=23 |
| Could Midget Tennis Get Worse? Oh Yes. | Dave: Okay you won that game.
/ Brian: Yeah, but now we gotta find another midget. I wonder if there's a circus in town... or a daycare. http://deadhonkey.com/?strip_id=24 |
| A Pair of Nuts | Which would you rather have, a million dollars or be the king of the squirrels?
/ That's easy. I'd take the cash. / Are you joking?? The only sane answer is choosing to be the king of the squirrels!
/ You play that back in your head, sport, and tell me how that sounds to you. / But Daaaaaaaave! You'd be the frickin' king of the squirrels!
/ I'm in project management, Brian. I'm already wearing a crown made of walnuts. http://deadhonkey.com/?strip_id=25 |
| Science can be Perverted. | Dr. Brian, should I even ask what you're doing??
/ I'm building my own robotic dental hygenists. In the new regime, they will serve as my shocktroops of death. / Why does it have the head of a fush?
/ I ran out of spare parts, so I used old fishheads, RealDoll animatronics and legos. But it works, watch! / Ooh, baby! Fuck my gills, fuck my gills, you make me soooo wet. I'm a dirty, dirty fish-headed robot.
/ I feel so unclean.
/ Heyyyyyy, who's your friend? Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar! http://deadhonkey.com/?strip_id=26 |
| Tits a Living | Dave: Okay Dr. Brian, you're getting a little weird with this boob ray.
/ Brian: I am never leaving my house. http://deadhonkey.com/?strip_id=29 |
| Never Ask Your Ex for the Truth | Satan: "Hello God? It's me, Satan. No wait, don't hang up! This is not a prank call, I just wanted to ask your opinion on something." / Satan: "When I was the prince of darkness, was I a dick? Seriously, was I a prick about the whole thing?" / Satan: "Dude, why are you laughing? What do you mean, you've been waiting eons for this call? Oh yeah, wave omnipotence in my face. Like that's real mature." http://deadhonkey.com/?strip_id=30 |
| Another Night at the Club | Guido: "Do you want to dance?"
/ Olivia: "No." / Guido: "I said, do you want to dance?"
/ Olivia: "No." / Guido: "I said, do you want to dance?"
/ Olivia: "Sigh, fine. Let's dance."
/ Guido: "Wait, will that make me look fruity?" http://deadhonkey.com/?strip_id=31 |
| The Harsh Realities of the Internet | Would you like to see pictures of my butt?
/ Um, no. That's okay. / I have them on my Myspace profile. Pictures of my butt, pictures of me flexing. Lots of women look at them, I get a lot of profile views.
/ How do you know they're women? / ...um...
/ Oh my God, are you crying? http://deadhonkey.com/?strip_id=32 |
| A Time for War and a Time for Dance | Dave: "Excuse me, do you know what time it is?"
/ Guido: "Hey asshole! Are you hitting on my date?" / Olivia: "I'm not your date."
/ Guido: "Hey asshole! Are you hitting on my friend?" / Olivia: "I'm not your friend, either."
/ Guido: "Hey asshole! Are you hitting on a stranger? I'll kick your ass, that's my stranger!"
/ Dave: "I gotta buy a watch." http://deadhonkey.com/?strip_id=33 |
| The Softer Side of Sneers. | Sometimes, I think people have a bad impression of me, and don't see my more sensitive side. No thanks to your terrible character assassinations, either.
/ The deuce, you say. / So I think I need to recount all the times I have acted upon my more sensitive, deeper feelings toward my fellow man, with no ulterior motives behind my actions. / I give you thirty seconds before I start bazooka barfing.
/ That's just enough time. http://deadhonkey.com/?strip_id=35 |
| Slight Burrito Aftertaste | I'm off to work. Love you.
/ Just a second, David. What are you hiding behind your back, is that a knife? / Yeah, I'm borrowing it again.
/ David, I forbid you from taking one of my good kitchen knives to stab one of your co-workers again. / But it's the executive board meeting! VP's will be there. I need to look respectable.
/ Then wear the tie I bought you. In a pinch, you can strangle someone.
/ It's just not the same. http://deadhonkey.com/?strip_id=40 |
| Let's talk about Penises. | Man, today's deposition was so boring, I spent the entire time thinking up new names for my penis.
/ Don't tell me while I'm eating, it's all I ask. / I settled on "Charlie Bucket."
/ And with that, a perfectly good bagel dog is ruined. http://deadhonkey.com/?strip_id=41 |
| I got a golden ticket | Honey, I'm home from work.
/ Lawyer Brian called, he left a strange message for you. / Good Lord, what did he say?
/ Something about a hooker and "Charlie Bucket touring the chocolate factory." / What does that mean?
/ It means another childhood reference is now shattered forever. http://deadhonkey.com/?strip_id=42 |
| Brian hates Mondays, too. | Did you know there's an entire internet community devoted to removing the thought bubbles from Garfield cartoon strips? Without them, his owner comes off like a pathetic borderline psychotic loser. /
/ Cut it out. http://deadhonkey.com/?strip_id=43 |
| Marlon Brando and Cleaning Fish | Last night, I saw "Last Tango in Paris" for the first time, and it gave me an idea.
/ This doesn't involve butter, does it? / Yeah, I tried putting a stick of butter in a woman's poopchute. Turned into a disaster, though.
/ Color me surprised. / Yeah, the girl stocking the dairy section in the grocery store didn't find it funny, either.
/ You really are a lawsuit waiting to happen, Brian. http://deadhonkey.com/index.php?strip_id=48 |
| A Mime is a Terrible Thing. Period | Did I ever tell you about the mime class I took back in college?
/ I don't want to know. / Unfortunately, the teacher got hit by a cement mixer, so our final was an oral exam given by a teacher's aide.
/ Walking against the wind in traffic, eh? / It ended up forty-five students sitting for three hours in silence. Then we went to a bar. Drunk mimes everywhere.
/ I am imagining you trapped in an invisible box. Now I'm burying you in imaginary ground. http://deadhonkey.com/?strip_id=60 |
| A New Rocky Mountain Low | Brian and I wanted to share our love of the work of John Denver with the Dead Honkey audience for some time, and now we'd like to present our rendition of his last known recording. / Ahem... "AAAAAAAH, we're going down! For God's sake, we're going down! We're gonna crash, we're gonna crash! Someone help us please! Aaaaaaah!" / Thank you. / Remember to tip your waitress. http://deadhonkey.com/?strip_id=63 |
| The True Comparison | Dave: Hello, I'm a Mac.
/ Brian: And I'm a PC. / Dave: With me, you search the internet for pornography.
/ Brian: Me too! /
/ Dave: That's all I got.
/ Brian: Hooray for the Internet! http://deadhonkey.com/?strip_id=64 |
| Self-Love in the Self-Help Section | Dave: "On the internet, I saw this clip of some 'investigative report' catching some guy masturbating at a library." / Dave: "The unemployed schmuck lived with his parents, and the report had the gall to follow him home and confront them on the air. You end up feeling sorry for the poor bastard." / Brian: "That settles it. From now on, I'm only jerking off at public sporting events."
/ Dave: "In my opinion, watching baseball at home is jerking off, too." / couch http://deadhonkey.com/?strip_id=66 |
| The National Pastime | Brian: "Hey Dave! I just got back from the baseball game!"
/ Dave: "Yeaaaaah, um. I saw part of it on TV. Listen, Brian..." / Brian: "I thought about our conversation the other day, and one thing lead to another and ho-hooooo!! I had a pretty good time, I have to say!" / Dave: "Brian, are you aware they showed you on the jumbo-tron screen?"
/ Brian: "Yes sir! And let me tell you, buddy, that baby shows things LIFESIZE!" http://deadhonkey.com/?strip_id=67 |
| 7th Inning Stretch | Dave: "Back from the ballgame, I see. Tell me you didn't do... it... in the bleachers this time around."
/ Brian: "Well it just kinda happened." / Brian: "You get caught up in the excitement, the smell of the peanuts and popcorn, one thing leads to another and then... you know."
/ Dave: "Brian it's not like you stuck your peter in a box of Cracker Jacks." / Brian: "Want to see the prie I found inside? I suppose you could wear the ring on your finger if you really wanted."
/ Dave: "Aaaaaaah! Safe word! I said safe word, dammit!" http://deadhonkey.com/?strip_id=68 |
| Pops Out to Shortstop | Dave: "We need to talk."
/ Brian: "What's on your mind, frown-boy?" / Dave: "It's this new habit of yours. It's... it's... I don't even know what to call it, come to think of it." / Brian: "How about 'warming up the relief pitcher?'"
/ Dave: "A blight on human decency. Yes, that's what I think I mean." http://deadhonkey.com/?strip_id=69 |