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T: ... What? Holy crap, did I do that? Did I actually win? / T: don't remember winning. Ugh. I am taking out these damn things. Gross. That's just sick. / T: Whoa. This is new. I can fly? Wait. I can't lift my head! / T: Oh, I see now. Note to self: Killroy recovers as quickly as you do.
/ T: You know, this may not hurt, but it can't be good for me.
/ K: Apologies! Would you like a pillow?
/ T: And here I thought only Earth had sarcasm.
/ K: How clever of you! |
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T: Crap. So what happens now?
/ K: I am evaluating courses of action. Since killing you means my own death, I will spare your life... For now.
/ T: Ah, you're a saint.
/ K: Sarcasm!
/ T: *Sigh*
/ T: Great. The one guy on earth who hates me most has me by my ponytail. Could this be more messed up?
/ T: Well, well. Mom's here. Brandon too. Wonderful.
/ Matilda: Hey!
/ T: This is the best Christmas ever.
/ K: This woman walks with a peculiar gait and posture.
/ T: Right. You know how your eyes glow all red? It's like that, only worse.
/ [Killroy, Tina, Brandon, Matilda] |
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Matilda: Who the hell do you think you are? Nobody treats my daughter like that?
/ K: Pah! I saved her life a short time ago. If not for me, a knife wielding assailant would have had his pound of flesh.
/ M: Is this true? Good god, Tina, why do you do this to me?
/ T: *sigh* You know me, MOm. I just looove inciting pandemonium.
/ K: I suppose I am to acknowledge you in some fashion.
/ B: The name's Janet. Miss Jackson, if you're nasty.
/ M: Nobody likes a smartass Tina. And don't give me that loo--
/ FWASH! |
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W: I do hope we can speed this up a bit. I have places I must be at.
/ F: Wraith, you're a formless void that can traverse time and space. Where, exactly, do you need to be in such a hurry.
/ W: Your fragile human mind cannot possibly even begin to comprehend.
/ F: Try me.
/ W: Do not attempt to deduce the mystery that is me. I do not question you or your motives. ... What are we even doing here, anyway?
/ [Killroy, Tina, Brandon, Matilda, Wraith, the Fulcrum] |
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F: I'm going to try some influence on Mom. Can you block Brandon from my vision?
/ W: Who? You mean Janet? Why?
/ F: Because I don't want to see him any more than I have to.
/ F: Now to just access your empathy... there!
/ W: What are you doing? Are you going to brainwash your own mother?
/ F: Not brainwashing, per se. Just getting mom to show her understanding side.
/ F: It's what must be done. Still, it doesn't feel right. Sorry, Mom.
/ F: But this is in the best interests of everyone. Even me. Gods. To think I could ever fit into pants that size.
/ [Fulcrum, Wraith, Tina, Matilda] |
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W: Say goodbye to your youth...
/ F: ha ha.
/ M: Wait, wait. So he saved your life?
/ M: You saved my daughter?
/ K: It would appear so, yes.
/ M: Thank you!
/ T: Oh. My. God. This has got to be the most disturbing thing ever.
/ B: Don't question the forbidden love that you can't understand.
/ T: Ugh. Don't even joke, Bran. |
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B: Dunno how you're fitting in the car, Bluto. How would you feel about being lashed to the roof like some sort of bizarre hunting mishap?
/ T: Never mind, Brandon. I'm going to walk home with Killroy and let him know how I "appreciate" his efforts.
/ M: You're sure, hon? After all you've been through?
/ T: We'll be fine.
/ M: Killroy. That name brings me back. Ever listen to Styx Brandon?
/ B: Either I haven't or my mind's just repressing it.
/ T: Now I know this is messed up, but I do not want my mom finding out about all this. I'll do anything. I swear to God. Just don't tell her.
/ K: Very well. I will hold you to your word when the proper time comes. Your hasty promise has sealed your fate, Tinamatthews.
/ T: Fine. Whatever. And just say "Tina," okay? I'm tired, I'm hungry, I can't see a thing, and I need to change. I feel like I've been wearing this stupid yellow shirt for months now.
/ [Killroy, Tina, Brandon, Matilda] |
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Chapter 3 In Your Eyes |
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T: What? He is not staying here!
/ M: He saved your life, Tina. I don't care if he's Darth Vader, he is staying her until he gets back on his feet!
/ T: What's he even doing in there?
/ M: Not sure. He asked where the darkest room was, then just stared off at that wall.
/ T: And you don't find anything odd about that?
/ M: Well I'll be! Looks like he's asleep! With open eyes. While standing.
/ T: Great, Mom. We now have a cross between a fish and a horse in our garage.
/ M: Hey, you always wanted a pony!
/ T: ...
/ M: Oh, lighten up.
/ [Tina, Matilda, Killroy, Kathleen Jacques] |
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B: What's a matter babe? Papa Smurf still got you down?
/ T: I dunno. It's just... nothing.
/ B: Anything I can help with?
/ T: No. Probably not.
/ B: You sure?
/ T: Thanks. It's not so bad. Killroy's just a liiitle bit unstable. I don't want him going outdoors just yet. That's all. If anyone deserves to know all this, it's Brandon. I'll tell him, once I find the words.
/ Meanwhile, outdoors...
/ K: One-dimensional chess? How archaic. A small wonder you play alone.
/ Old man: Chess is two-dimensional, Blinky. Siddown and I'll show you how it's done.
/ [Tina, Brandon, kiss, Killroy, Dildo Baggins] |
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Shawn: Hi Tina.
/ T: What? Oh, hey Shawn.
/ S: What happened to your backpack? / T: I kinda lost it over the weekend.
/ S: So then... what about our physics exam?
/ T: Studied at the library.
/ S: So where did you lose your backpack?
/ T: Don't! Know! Shawn! / S: Well, where were you when you los-- / T: Listen! I have just had the worst weekend in my life! I don't give a fuck about my backpack... ...or anything else, right now! / S: Dude! Your eyes are all red!
/ T: It's just my contacts, Shawn.
/ S: I heard they can cause brain damage if they slip ba-
/ T: GO AWAY. / Elsewhere...
/ K: ...So you have no dropships. No jumpgates. No faster-than light tech. And the farthest you can go is your own moon.
/ Old man: That's right. / Old man: We're thinking of making a Mars trip.
/ K: How nice for you! / Old man: Yup. We're too busy here at home to worry about anywhere else. Checkmate. That means I've won, by the way. / K: Pah. You win nothing but a trifle. No matter. I tire of your game. And your planet. / [Tina, Killroy, Shawn] |
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T: Hi Killroy. Did you stay in the house today, like I asked?
/ K: No. Look what I made.
/ T: What are they?
/ K: They are homing beacons. They signal when we are outside of our empowered radius.
/ T: Wait. These things look expensive. Killroy! Did you steal them?
/ K: Do not be daft. I simply paid with your V.I.S.A. card.
/ T: That's only for emergencies, Killroy! How much did you spend?!
/ K: Do you have ears?! I said I exchanged your V.I.S.A. card for the device's components at the electronics store.
/ T: Wait. Oh. Oh God.
/ [Killroy, Tina] |
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K: What are you doing?
/ T: Cancelling my credit card.
/ T: I just asked you to stay in the house one day!! I mean, do I honestly have to put a bell on you, Killroy?!!
/ T: YES, FINE! I'LL HOLD!!
/ Chicago.
/ Rod: So I got this cop after me, but he's runnin' like he's got a roll o' quarters up his--
/ Meg: Rod Anton?
/ R: The hell? Gotta go, Eddie.
/ R: What the hell do you-- Oh, my my
/ M: The same Rod Anton who sold his soul to avoid prosecution for rape 7 years ago?
/ R: Wait. How did you...?
/ M: I have my sources. And not the ones you've been staring at since I walked in.
/ M: Shit. Now I have blood spattered all over my dress. And I bet Mr. Right here doesn't even have a paper towel. Christ do I hate poor people.
/ [Killroy, Tina, Meg, Furies] |
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Meg: Alexis, Tricia! Where the hell were you? I had to do this one myself.
/ Tricia: Naff off, Meg! Just had to fix m'self up a bit, y'know?
/ M: Tricia, why do you always feel compelled to tart yourself up for work?!
/ T: It's just all that's clean when we go out on a kill is all.
/ M: Wear your goddamn garanimals for all I care! Just show up!
/ Alexis: Arr, mateys! / To be continued!! Except, like, later on. Not continued in the obvious, usual way.
/ [Alexis, Meg, Tricia, Furies] |
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B: Okeedoke. All purtied up. So what's this important thing you wanna say?
/ T: Actually, you'll probably want to sit down, Bran. / B: "Sit down!" "Pause your game!" "Put your pants on!" How important is this? / T: FIne. Brandon, Killroy and I share a sort of lifeforce that gives me superhuman strength.
/ K: And laser vision.
/ T: ...and laser vision. / B: Kay.
/ T: ... So um, yeah. Maybe it just seems more staggering to me.
/ K: I do not believe he fully understands. Hit him as hard as you possibly can. / [Brandon, Tina, Killroy] |
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T: Hey Killroy, you do anything fun today? / K: Yes. I created a handheld device that teleports heat energy from the surface of the sun to the center of Earth, causing instantaneous massive meltdown on a global scale. I call it the Thermocrusher. It was "fun" to build. / T: You'd better be kidding. / K: ... Indeed. I am ... kidding.
/ [eBay, Killroy, Tina] |
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T: This... is... so... awesome! / T: I can't believe I'm not even getting tired!
/ K: So then, are you Tina's mate?
/ B: Not nearly often enough, my friend. Tina's a firm believer in a time and place for everything. / K: Really. Please explain. / T: Well, she's a total neat freak. ... and balances her checkbook for fun. It's almost like every part of her life has to be collated, and sorted into alphabetical order.
/ K: Interesting. / CRASH!
/ T: Um. Heh! Looks like I'm going to have to find a new kind of workout. / B: Does she even need to work out anymore?
/ K: Not as such.
/ B: Gonna tell her?
/ K: No. Are you?
/ B: Meh. Maybe later. A little bit of placebo never hurt anyone. Plus, I get to eat her food when she feels fat. / [Tina, Brandon, Killroy] |
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K: Name: Killroy. Confirmation code: [alienese] Signature scan... now. Computer. Open a communication channel to my second in command, Ariek. Inform him that I am still trapped on Sol III and have undergone bionetic bonding... with the Fulcrum.
/ F: It's called a screensaver. Try not to kill it.
/ K: What are you doing here?
/ [Killroy, Tina, flying toasters] |
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F: So. You know.
/ K: Yet she does not. Why do you withhold this information from her? That you and she are one and the same?
/ F: Believe me, I have my reasons. She will learn. In time.
/ K: And if I were to tell her?
/ F: You wouldn't.
/ K: You seem sure of yourself.
/ F: I'd remember if you told me as a youth.
/ F: Also, you've never been one to just throw away useful information. And aside from all of this... I would have to kill you.
/ [Killroy, Fulcrum] |
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K: This is food somehow? / T: It's a quesadilla. Apparently they're really good, but I can't eat them. I have violent reactions to all dairy foods... and it happens almost immediately. / K: STAND ASIDE! / BJORK
/ T: And yet another side effect of the bionetic bonding rears its ugly head.
/ B: Whoa! Super powered projectile vomiting! That means you can do it too, babe!
/ T: Lovely. / [Killroy, Tina, Brandon] |
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T: Welcome to Planet Soy, Killroy! / K: Gods. Perhaps we can leave Soyworld for a planet whose foods do not embarrass the consumer.
/ T: Funny. Listen up. Since you apparently have my health issues, I'm simply enlightening you on how to work with them. I'm trying to help, here. / K: Then buy me the pop-up tarts I came here for! It would be a great help to me! / T: Shut the hell up. We'll get your damned poptarts. And the soy. And I don't want to hear another word. / K: Why can I not kill you?
/ clerk: Dude, I've got this thing with these guys on Friday... and if you do that on stage, I will totally give you like ten bucks. / [Killroy, Tina, Soylent Soy, Comparable to Ezra] |
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T: Brandon?
/ B: IN the kitchen. Just a sec.
/ T: Hey! Mr. Rochester! Who's a pretty kitty?
/ Blah blah blah
/ K: What are you looking at?
/ [Killroy, Brandon, Tina, cat] |
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T: So after taht whole fiasco in the market, I kinda figured someone else could watch him...
/ B: Whoa! Hey, time out! I know nothing about caring for ginormous blue aliens. / T: Just for a few hours. Honey, I'm at the end of my rope! Between these freak powers and that powerful freak, I'm going insane! / T: You're both guys. Go do some guy things.
/ B: Doesn't seem freakish to me.
/ T: He's conversing with your cat.
/ B: Touche. / K: So what is your opinion of Brandon?
/ Mr. Rochester: The can opener serves me well. But the day he misses a meal will be his last. / B: Aight. A few hours. I can do that.
/ Mr. Rochester: The girl calls him my "Daddy." He is not my true father, however.
/ K: Right. I gathered as much. / [Killroy, Tina, Brandon, Mr. Rochester, cat] |
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Chapter 4 Boys Don't Cry |
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K: Since we will be out-of-range today, I have modified the homing beacons. They are not much smaller, and feature a 2-way communicator.
/ T: Killroy! That's actually sweet, in a weird sort of way. I have something to show you, too. / K: What is this?
/ T: It's a sort of reference guide. I call it... The Brandonomicron. I went to the liberty of documenting every stupid, bizarre, crazy thing Brandon has ever done, in the hope of one day figuring him out. / K: And you do not find it also bizarre that one would chronicle the actions of the one she holds dearest to her heart? / T: The only thing I find bizarre is that no one else does it. Anyway, feel free to use it, and add anything important you discover. / Matilda: Killroy, can you finish dinner for me? I just got a call. Someone's idiot boyfriend has just been arrested for impersonating a police dog.
/ T: Actually, I might need that book a little longer.
/ K: A "dinner" is a breed of falcon, correct? / [Killroy, Tina, Matilda, Brandonomicron] |
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B: I wasn't impersonating a police dog! I've been trying to tell you the whole way home - I was a seeing eye dog! I was just trying to get into a movie for free. That's not a crime! / Matilda: First of all--
/ B: Bu-
/ M: NO! You are done talking! You are totally paying me back if you don't want your father to hear about this. Now we're just going to go inside and have a nice meal of whatever the hell Killroy made for us. / M: And just what the hell is that, Killroy?
/ K: ... Falcon. / M: Of course. I'm suddenly very tired. I'm going to turn in for the night. / T: This does not excuse you from Killroy duty. He's about to blow his top just like the rest of us. So take him somewhere relaxing... the last thing I need si for him to go into some blood rage. / K: So tell me more of this "paintball."
/ T: Well it's kinda like war... except it's, like, wicked hard. You'll see. / [Killroy, Tina, Matilda, Brandon] |
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B: OKay... I opened this... why?
/ K: Paint-ball.
/ B: Oh yeah! That's right, paintball crap. First up, the paintball. These come in all sorts of colors, but they all taste nasty, and some make you see wood sprites. I know this from experience. But I would eat one again, for a dollar. / B: This is CO2. It gets cold fast, looks phallic, and I guess powers the thing. 'Nuff said. / B: And here's the paintball gun, shiny as a wrestler's bottom. It probably looks a bit emasculating to a guy like you, but it's not like you're going to level Tokyo with it, either. / B: Now I have some helmets, but your malformed head will be tough to size... Dude. What the hell? I just gave that to you!
/ K: I did not become what I am today by using light weaponry.
/ B: Still, like, compensate much? / [Killroy, Brandon] |
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B: Killroy, this is awesome! I can't believe she does this! [scribble] Heh. "Will clean stuff for sweet monkey love."
/ Gaylord: Well, if it isn't Brandon Lame. / G: You lost, lame?
/ B: Oh, hell. It's the Lord of the Cock Rings. What are you and your "platonic" pals doing here, Gaylord? / G: Same thing we do every Saturday. Play paintball. We got memberships. Don't tell me you're thinking of playing. / Bundy: Check it out, yo. He brought Matthews' pet gorilla with him.
/ B: Shake it off, Killroy. "Bedwetting" Bundy probably had a rough night. / K: This is getting monotonous, Brandon. It is time to move on.
/ B: No doubt. Call off your altarboys, Gaylord. We'll settle this on the paintball field... park... forest... thing. |
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G: Whatever, Lame. You got twenty minutes to meet with your "team" and suit up. / G: C'mon, guys. We got twenty to light up.
/ B: Know what's funny? How they keep using that same Brandon Lame joke since fourth grade. It's a damned riot.
/ K: Yes, it sounds funny. We should meet the other... / K: ... team members?
/ B: Damn. I knew we should've gone shopping cart surfing instead. / B: Any of you even played paintball before? / Kid 1: No, but my dad says not to come home till I'm a man.
/ Kid 2: Same deal with me. Folks said to get out and meet people.
/ Kid 3: My mommy and daddy are having wrestle time! They said to come back in three hours! No sooner! |
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B: Damnit. This sucks like Creed. Can't you just squish Gaylord like a prune or something?
/ K: I believe Tina explained this. My abilities are nullified when I am over five kilometers from her. / Kid 2: Well, this talk is all nice and, let's face it--insane... but it's probably about time we put on equipment and get ready to have our asses handed to us. I'm Dave, by the way. / K: No need to worry, Dav. We will not lose the day. Brandon. I hereby commandeer stewardship of this team. / B: What?! You've never even played paintball! / K: Excellent point. / K: But we are no longer playing "paintball."
/ Kid 3: K. Should I go tell the other team? / [Killroy, Brandon] |
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