You're browsing the archives of College Roomies From Hell.
You can search these comics too.
show: [ full transcriptions | abridged transcriptions | just the first line ]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Wednesday, October 16, 2002||Mike: Well, I had no idea he would do such a stupid thing! It's not my fault! / April: Mike, we pushed him over the edge. And to think this wouldn't have happened if I didn't care so much about my damn fingernails... / Mike: Ugh. They are NICE fingernails... / April: Geez, Mike. Let me scratch your hand already so you can concentrate. / Mike: OOOh. Oh my God, that feels sooo good. Wow. / April: Whatever we do, no one should find out. They would hate us! / Mike: Especially NOT Marsha. You see, she has these really nasty jealousy fits... / Mike: And now when bad things happen to... people... / [[Mike becomes aware of Marsha's presence behind the couch]] / Marsha: You guys. Have no IDEA. How... BAD!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Thursday, October 17, 2002||[[Mike, on crutches, interposes between Marsha, armed with a baseball bat, and April]]
/ Mike: But we were doing nothing! She was just scratching my hand!
/ Marsha: And you didn't want me to find out about THAT.
/ Mike: Not that! We were just talking! About, uh, kittens and puppies, and baby turtles...
/ Marsha: I'm so deeply sorry, Mike. I love you, but I'm afraid that I gotta kill you now. / [[April interposes between Marsha and Mike]]
/ April: NO! Don't hurt him!
/ Marsha: Get out of the way, you traitor! I thought you were my friend!
/ April: But it's not his fault! I came here to show him my new hairdo, and... and to SEDUCE him!
/ Mike: <
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, October 18, 2002||Margaret: I don't know where they are. I haven't seen them since last night. My guess is that April is hiding somewhere. / Mike: Damn! Well, it's no surprise, really. I only hope they're okay and not in jail or something. / Mike: Anyway, I'm here to make a deal with you... since Marsha's on the loose and it's gonna take a bit of time to convince her not to kill me, I'm gonna need... protection. / Margaret: Pfft! You want me to be your bodyguard? What's in it for me? / Mike: In the meantime, I'll find Dave, so you can have a little mental peace. / Margaret: Mental peace? Give me a BREAK. / Mike: Heheh. So, you're gonna look for him on your own? What's he gonna think about THAT, mmmh? / Margaret: Mike, you know what he's gonna think, no matter what I do. / Mike: Point! Still, it's no help for your tough girl rep! / Margaret: Aw, shut up. I'll help you, if only because you're pathetic. / Mike: Riiiiight.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, October 21, 2002||Mike: Hey, Roger, I was wondering... / Roger: Not now, Mike. I'm busy. / Mike: Doing what? / Roger: I'm classifying my popcorn in alphabetical order. / Mike: They should all be under "P", then. / Roger: Don't be silly. This one looks like Snoopy so it should be under "S". / Mike: Aaaanyway. I was thinking that since Marsha and April and Dave are missing, we could do some detective work. I'll be Nero Wolfe, and you can be Archie Goodwin! / Roger: More like Jabba the Hut and Leia the Slave Princess. No, thanks. / Mike: But it'll be fun! By the way, Diana doesn't know that you're a werecoyote, does she? / Roger: Why, you... / Roger: You... you are despicable! I hate you! / Mike: Ba-pssch. Shouldn't you be used to blackmail by now? / Roger: Not THAT! You just ate Van Gogh! I only have three of those! / Mike: Yeah? Well, maybe he was a genius and all but he definitely needed butter.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Tuesday, October 22, 2002||[[Blue is on the phone]] / Blue: Well, bro, good luck. I think you ARE gonna need it. Maybe you can convince Mom you want drastic plastic surgery. / Mike: [[through phone]] And change my beautiful features? I'd rather die. / Blue: That's what I thought! Say, is the sexy green-eyed wonder around? / Mike: [[through phone]] No, I'm telling you that she was trying to kill me, and... / Blue: Not Marsha, Asimov! / [[Mike is on the phone]] / Mike: Eeeh. I'll tell him to call you back. / Blue: [[through phone]] He can't pay for the long distance. / Mike: He can call collect. / Blue: [[through phone]] He's not gonna do that, Mike. / Mike: Oh, all right. I don't know when he's coming back. / Mike: He said he would be gone for a few days. / [[Blue is on the phone]] / Blue: Gone??? You're lying. Is he avoiding me? I just want to know that. Be honest. / Mike: [[through phone]] Honest? Why don't you ask for my head on a platter while you're at it?|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Wednesday, October 23, 2002||Mike: Well? How did it go? / Roger: Marsha's location is unknown. / Mike: She called me on the phone a while ago to say she'll dance with 7-inch heels over my dead deceased corpse. So at least she's okay. / Roger: [[handing Mike a note]] Oh. I DID find April, tho. Here. / Mike: [[reading the note]] Aaah. Cool. It makes sense. She'll be safe there, I guess, at least for now. / Roger: Yeah. 7-inch heels, huh? Woot! Do you think she'll mind if I watch? / Mike: I'll promptly ignore that you just said that. / [[Meanwhile, at Diana's place]] / April: And if you want your makeup to last all night, a good thing to do is apply mineral water to your skin first. / Paul: [[furiously scribbling]] Right! / April: And you don't want to make your eyeliner too thick under your lower eyelid if you don't want to look like a hooker. No offense. / Paul: None taken. This stuff is pure gold.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Thursday, October 24, 2002||Mike: So, where else could he be? We got hospitals and jail covered. He's not at his folks' and he's got no money. / Roger: Maybe he joined the circus. / Mike: Maybe he's on a misery journey. / Roger: No, that's what YOU would do. / Roger: If you want to know what he'd do, you have to think like him and see what happens. / Mike: Pssch. All right, let's see. I'm Dave. I'm Dave. I'm Dave. Uummmh. / Roger: So, how do you feel? / Mike: I dunno. I have this strange urge to kick my own butt. / Roger: Then you're still Mike.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, October 25, 2002||Margaret: Well, I'm going home. I'll see you tomorrow. / Mike: Sure. Thanks, M... / Roger: Sing-o-gram for you, Mike. / Scully: There was a Mike, he had a horse, and Expresso was his name-o! And when this horse awakes he'll find... Mike's head in the hay-o! / Roger: Cool! That didn't rhyme at all! / Mike: [[alarmed]] On second thought, Dave's bed is empty. Please stay. / Margaret: Pfft. But if you guys start walking around pantless, I'm walking. / Roger: Saaay, you sleep naked, don't youuu. / Margaret: Not ALWAYS.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, October 28, 2002||[[Mike, on crutches, encounters Steve and Waldo, both of whom are heavily bandaged]] / Mike: Hey Steve... / Steve: DAMN! Get away from me. I don't want to talk to any of you. We've HAD it with you guys. / Mike: Not exactly a pleasant experience for me either, but still... / Steve: You guys are NOTHING but trouble. And I have no business with you, so hit the road. / Mike: I don't mean to MARRY you, Steve. I just wanted to ask you about... / [[A knife flies into frame from an unseen assailant. Margaret, wearing shades, tosses a book toward it.]] / Margaret: [[holding the book, which has the knife embedded through it]] Heh! She should throw cream pies at you... they would definitely be more lethal! / Mike: *sigh* I hate it when she does that. Anyway, back to what we were saying... / Steve and Waldo [[off-panel]]: [[shouting]] Stay away from me!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Tuesday, October 29, 2002||[[Steve and Waldo retreat to safety]] / Steve: BWAHAHAHAH! I have to admit that from afar, it WAS very funny to watch that idiot dodge all the sharp steely death stuff! / Waldo: Yeah, talk about your animal magnetism... / Steve: What a loser! Why doesn't he call the cops on her? / Waldo: It's a shame we don't have the whole thing on videotape... / Steve: [[suddenly stops laughing]] OOOhhoh. / Waldo: What? / Steve: I've just got an idea. And WHAT an idea. My H'astur. / Waldo: Not in the mood for idea-otic stuff. / Steve: It's so beautiful! I'm in awe at my own EEEEEVIL. / Waldo: Well, if it involves forks, you can fork-get about it. / Steve: Save your silly puns, minion! Watch the genius at work! / Waldo: More like a Genie-ASS.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Thursday, October 31, 2002||[[Diana arrives home]] / Diana: Hey April! Roger gave me some notes for you... / Diana: [[spotting something off-panel]] AAARGH! OhmyGOD! / Paul: [[off-panel]] Geez, sis, don't you ever knock? / Diana: I'm sorry! Uh, forget I saw anything! You guys keep on whatever you're doing! / [[What they're doing: Paul is trying to get April's hair back under control]] / April: Paul, I give up. Bring the electric shaver. / Paul: Never!!! We still have 12 kinds of conditioner to try! There's still hope!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, November 1, 2002||Professor Dover: [[writing a formula on the blackboard]] So, once we have this, how do we find the minimum area? People?
/ Dover: Mike? / Mike: Well, we need to differentiate the top surface area, and... um...
/ [[Mike notices a red spot of light on his chest]] / [[Margaret, in shades, shoves Mike bodily away from the red spot]]
/ Margaret: Look OUT!
/ Mike: <
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Saturday, November 2, 2002||[[Mike is lying on his back on the couch]]
/ Mike: Worst. Week. EVER.
/ Roger: It wasn't so bad. After all, Diana and I went to...
/ Mike: I meant for ME! I broke my leg, my girlfriend is trying to kill me and my slave vanished!
/ Roger: I heard if you treat your roommates to pizza the bad luck leprechauns will leave your silk stockings alone. / Mike: I don't wear silk stockings, Mr. Subatomic Brains.
/ Roger: Well, maybe you should start, and then...
/ Mike: I see you, too, are a punishment from Heaven. Or Hell. Whatever. It SUCKS.
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Sunday, November 3, 2002||Blue: Hey! What happened to your leg? / Mike: I dunno. I was stoned. / Blue: Again??? Why didn't you tell me? / Mike: I don't want Mom to find out. / Blue: Ah! Thanks for your trust. Where's Dave? / Mike: I told you, he's not here. He is... He went home for a few days. / Blue: AHA. You must think I'm an honorary member of the DUH club. I called his mom, and he's not there. / Mike: WHAT? You didn't tell her anything, did you? / Blue: Of course NOT. But WHERE is he? / Mike: I don't know! I'm looking for him! I think he ran away, but I don't know where! / Blue: Ran away from what? You've been picking on him? That bitch Margaret landed a kick on his nuts again? / Margaret: I'm right behind you, you know. / Blue: OOOOh my God. Your camo is just so good, I didn't notice you standing there. / Mike: [[off-panel]] Blue, would you mind not pulling my life deeper into the abyss?|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, November 4, 2002||Mike: [[looking in his palm]] I keep thinking that something has fundamentally changed... / Blue: Heh! I don't think you'll ever change, for better or for worse. / Mike: No, no. I don't think *I* have changed. It's more like something inside of me has been... cancelled. / Blue: Honestly, you look like same ol' Mike to me. / Mike: And why does my hand keep itching? / [[Mike shows his palm to Blue]] / Blue: I don't see anything. / Mike: I didn't see anything either, but now, when I don't look at it directly, I think I SEE something. / Blue: What is that? / Mike: I'm not sure. But it's scary. I afraid that I'm about to turn... / [[Mike touches Blue's far shoulder with his tentacle, which he has snuck behind her back while they've been talking]] / Mike: [[grinning evilly]] EEEEVIL!!! / Blue: AAAIGH!!! / Mike: PFFWAAAHAHAHAH! You ALWAYS fall for that one! / [[Blue smacks him on the tentacle with a cushion]] / Blue: Too BAD for you your bodyguard's on a coffee break!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Tuesday, November 5, 2002||[[Roger pokes his head above the back of the sofa]] / Roger: Psst. Blue around? / Mike: Nope. She got up early and went off looking for Dave. / Roger: How about Margaret? / Mike: Taking a shower. / Roger: [[tossing him a note]] Catch. / Mike: [[catching it]] K. / Mike: [[reading the note]] Damnation nation. / Roger: I'd say. / Mike: How bad? / Roger: REALLY bad. / Mike: He's gonna make it? / Roger: They still don't know. We'll have to wait till tomorrow. / Mike: Uummh. Well, you'll have to pretend you're still working on it. / Roger: [[off-panel]] Can I pretend in front of the television? / Mike: Only if you scratch my hand. / Roger: [[off-panel]] Not that good of a deal. Forget it.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Wednesday, November 6, 2002||[[A rather disheveled Roger is standing in front of the couch.]] / Mike: What happened to you? Clown attack? / Roger: WORSE. Diana and I were at the mall, when Marsha attacked. / Mike: She attacked YOU? What the hell? / Roger: She wanted to make me tell her where April is by drowning me on the fountain. / Mike: Oh! You didn't go werecoyote on her, did you? / Roger: I couldn't. Diana was with me. And I mean literally. After a while, she got in the fountain too and we all started rasslin'. / Mike: Oh my God. She's really losing it. / Roger: Actually, it was kinda fun... until the cops arrested Marsha and took her away. / Mike: WHAT???!!!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Thursday, November 7, 2002||Mike: [[on crutches, shouting through gritted teeth]] They... are going DOWN! They're going SO down they'll have to send postcards from Australia! / Blue: Who is going down and why? / Mike: Steve and Waldo! They videotaped Marsha attacking me, and now they're saying it was Marsha who beat them up! / Blue: Well, the videotape might prove she's violent, but not that she attacked THEM! / Mike: Unfortunately, there's some footprint shaped bruises on Waldo's ass, and they match Marsha's feet! / Blue: Whoa, like some kind of deranged Cinderella... how is she? / Mike: They wouldn't even let me see her! She's under "psychological monitoring" / [[Marsha, in a straightjacket and Hannibal-Lector-type muzzle-mask, is strapped to a vertical bed. A psychologist is showing her a Rorschach ink blot]] / Psychologist: So what does this one look like? / Marsha: Looks like some shrink holding an ink spot, and a girl in a "Hannibal" mask who plans his death. / Psychologist: I detect a certain annoyance towards the tests. / Marsha: Oh wait, I think I see something else. Your momma.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, November 8, 2002||[[April returns to the apartment. She has a scarf around her head.]]
/ April: I heard about Marsha...
/ Margaret: Yeah, I guess it's safe for you to come out now... heeeheeheeh! What's with the granny scarf?
/ April: If I take it off you're gonna laugh at me.
/ Margaret: All right, I promise I won't.
/ April: Will you spare me your sarcastic comments?
/ Margaret: Sure. / [[April removes the scarf. Her hair is -- well, let's just say it's not what anyone expects to see on a human head this side of 1980 and leave it at that. Margaret drops her glass and her book, and knocks a small lamp off the table in the background.]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Saturday, November 9, 2002||[[Mike chides Blue, who is on the verge of tears]] / Mike: Just where the HELL have you been??? It's almost midnight! I was about to call the police! / [[Blue sits on the couch]] / Blue: How could you? / Mike: Uh? / Blue: You didn't tell me he was at the hospital. / Mike: [[putting a comforting arm on her shoulder]] I found out this morning. I'm sorry. / Blue: Get away from me, Mike. I'm PISSED at you. / Mike: You don't want to know why I did that? / [[They hug]] / Blue: Why else? You want to protect me. You're just like Mom. You traitor. / Mike: Me? I'm not qualified to protect anyone. See what a spiffy job I did with Dave. / Blue: Yeah, I was smart enough to ask a person whose idea of safety is getting into a "Tag" game with Satan.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Sunday, November 10, 2002||Nurse: For now, we can only allow one of you in. Keep it brief, please. / [[Roger, April (with headscarf), Blue, and Mike (on crutches) all look toward Margaret]] / Margaret: Why is everybody looking at me? / Blue: Don't play stupid and get in there. / Margaret: Why? I'm the baddie of the movie, remember? / Blue: So? Good or bad, he wants it from YOU. I'll just be there to pick up the pieces.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, November 11, 2002||[[Margaret sits beside a hospital bed. Dave, in the bed, has bandages around his head, all his limbs in plaster, he's in traction and he's on a drip.]] / Dave: UUUGGGHpain... / Margaret: My God, Dave, what happened to you??? / Dave: Just... call me Humpty... / Margaret: Everybody's been looking for you like crazy. / Dave: Got carried away... big truck... / Margaret: So... it was an accident, right? I mean, suicide is just not your thing. Please tell me it was an accident. / Dave: [[glaring]] My whole LIFE... is an accident...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Tuesday, November 12, 2002||Dave: Why are you here... anyway? You don't have to... pretend you care about me... / Margaret: Don't say that. I'm not pretending. It's just that I... oh darn, I never know how to make people feel better... / Dave: Um, yeah. Now, listen... / Dave: I don't want to be rude or anything... but I really don't need... your company. I just need to sleep. / Margaret: Oh. All right. Just... get better, okay? / Dave: Thanks. I appreciate the concern. / [[Margaret walks out]] / Blue: What happened? How is he? / Margaret: He's more rational than EVER...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Wednesday, November 13, 2002||[[Blue is at the side of Dave's hospital bed]] / Blue: I came yesterday, but they didn't let me in. / Dave: It was probably for the best. / Blue: I knew you were bad, but I couldn't even imagine. God... / Dave: At least I'm alive, right? There's no need to be so dramatic... / Blue: [[burying her face in her hands]] I have to go home tomorrow... but I'll come back next weekend. I don't care who I have to murder. I'm gonna think about you every second, and I... I... / Dave: Aaaw, no. No, don't do that. Please don't cry... / Blue: I'm sorry! I try to control myself, but when I think... my poor, sweet baby... / [[A complete stranger enters]] / Stranger: Hi, Dave. How are you feeling today? / Dave: Better, Dad. Thanks. / Stranger: Your mother and sis are here. Do you want to see them? / Dave: Sure. By the way, could you tell the people in charge I don't need any more visits from volunteers? They're starting to depress me...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Thursday, November 14, 2002||[[Our favorite roomies are standing around the hospital, bickering]] / Roger: Do you guys have any idea of how COMMON a name like "David Jones" is? It's not my fault! And he matched the description! So how was I supposed to know? / Margaret: All that guilt spent on an idiot who was run over by a truck while he was "surfing" on it! / Mike: Hey, don't look at me. You guys were the ones who told me it was him. / Blue: Well, don't look at me either! I'm in love! I'm supposed to be stupid! / Blue: At least we should be happy for Dave, since he is NOT in a hospital with a million broken bones. I hope. / April: [[still wearing the headscarf]] Yeah, but we still have to look for him, and help Marsha... / Blue: In the meantime, I know a hot oil recipe that can help you, April. / April: I don't know. I have tried everything. I guess it can't get any worse. / Roger: [[leaning in]] Hot oil? Poit! / [[A tentacle looms over Roger]] / Blue: Duck, Roger...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, November 15, 2002||[[Blue confronts her mother, who is in the tub]] / Blue: Where IS he, Ma? / Hazel: Where is who? / Blue: You know who! Don't play innocent with me! / Hazel: I don't know what you're talking about. / Blue: You DO, too! / Hazel: My rubber ducky and I are sharing some quality time, so if you don't mind... / Blue: You don't even have a rubber ducky! / Hazel: That's what YOU think.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Saturday, November 16, 2002||Hazel: Look, you're interrupting my bath. If you're going to start tossing random accusations at me, you better start from the beginning. / Blue: Why don't you just admit it? And you promised me you wouldn't hurt him if my eyesight turned out right. / Hazel: OOOOh. But did I really say that? I only said I wouldn't SHOOT him. / Blue: So you admit it! Let him go now! / Hazel: Who's admitting anything? Besides, why do you think I did something to him? / Blue: He just vanished from the face of Earth. Something so clean has to have YOU involved. / Hazel: Why, thank you! / Blue: Mom, I swear... if you don't let him go... / Hazel: Heh! You're just a kitten, my dear. You can only MEOW very loud... but your nails are not big enough to get anything done.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Sunday, November 17, 2002||Blue: Mom, please let him go. I'll do anything.
/ Hazel: Let's suppose for a minute that I *do* have him... would you convince Mike to spend his spring break here?
/ Blue: WHAT?? I can't do that! I mean, I could TRY, but... / Hazel: You know what I like about my rubber ducky? The way it squeaks when I squeeze it. And the harder I squeeze it, the louder it squeaks.
/ Hazel: And the best part is I can squeeze it as hard as I can, until it breaks or I get bored. See?
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, November 18, 2002||[[Blue storms out of her mother's bathroom]] / Thadeus: I told you that it was better to wait until Madam was... / Blue: With all due respect, Thad, Madam can wear a screwdriver for a hat and TWIST! / [[Thadeus opens the door to the bathroom]] / Thadeus: Did you call, Madam? / Hazel: [[off-panel]] No. / Thadeus: Are you sure? / Hazel: [[off-panel]] I said NO. Close the door, Thadeus. / Thadeus: Are you totally, positively sure? I thought I heard you calling. / Hazel: [[off-panel]] Well, since you are here, fetch me another rubber ducky. This one broke. / Thadeus: We're all out of rubber duckies. / Hazel: [[off-panel]] My supersoaker, then.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Tuesday, November 19, 2002||[[The Green Mother is no longer in her bath. Dressed once again, she strides onward...]] / Hazel: It's very simple. If she thinks I kidnapped her little friend, she'll stop worrying about it. I don't want her finding out who was really responsible for it. / Thadeus: Young Master Michael? / Hazel: Exactly. If he found out about the incident with Blue... well, Michael tends to get a little carried away when it comes to protecting his sister. / Hazel: In any case, I have to make sure he's not getting himself into a mess because of his not-so-subtle revenge. / [[Hazel checks her computer]] / Hazel: And to know where he is keeping this Jones kid, we only need to know where Michael has been. / Hazel: Since the cell phone I gave Michael for Christmas had a hidden tracking device, the only thing we need to do is check the data from the global positioning satellite, and... / Hazel: Oh! Now... THIS is interesting... / Thadeus: Madam, the clock in the hall exploded again...|
<< 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40
41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60
61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80
81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 >>